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00:00THE END
00:16Get out, you rubbish!
00:18I don't want your sort in here!
00:20There's no room in the inn!
00:22My wife needs somewhere warm to rest.
00:24She's gonna have a baby.
00:26I don't care. You gotta have a drink on the go.
00:28Rules is rules.
00:29Christmas!
00:30Oh dear, why pity? Never mind.
00:32I'm not running a soup kitchen out, I'm trying to make a living!
00:34You bastard!
00:35Go on, sling your rock!
00:37I never even touched them, mate!
00:38Oh yeah, lightly bloody story.
00:43Scrooge, you charmer. Flannery will get you everywhere, and I mean everywhere.
00:48I think I'd better have another drink.
00:52Scrouge it, bastards!
00:53I don't see why I should have to pay the price for their one night of unrivaled, unprotected, carnal lust!
00:58It's been a year.
00:59How could you throw a pregnant girl out on the streets?
01:03It's Christmas Eve!
01:04Exactly! It's the busiest night of the year, I need the seats!
01:08Where is everyone?
01:09Well, Prof has to spend Christmas with his mum, and Terry is probably at a carol service.
01:11Eh?
01:12Well, he goes every year, he says those Christian girls are a right pushover after a glass of mulled wine in a sing-song.
01:25It's a good old year, then come Christmas they really let their hair down. Look at Mary Magdalene!
01:32I don't know, religion and families are spoiling what Christmas is really all about. Making money!
01:38It's not commercial enough! That's the actual problem here!
01:42If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
01:45If you said I had a beautiful body, I'd let you shake me.
01:48And I'd say you need your eyes testing!
01:53Wreck off, hamster nuts!
01:54Would you like hospital food?
01:56I'd prefer Thai, if you're asking me out, but...
02:00You'd be paying, so you get to choose.
02:03Leave it, Ellen, he's just jealous.
02:08There's something about that man I don't like. If I could just put my finger on him.
02:14Is it that he's going out with your girlfriend?
02:17She is not my girlfriend.
02:19I don't fancy her. How many times?
02:23Good afternoon. Molten whiskey, please.
02:27Sorry, Santner, no drink for you, you're driving tonight!
02:33Oh, good one, girl.
02:34Topical humour, the cutting edge.
02:36Look at his face, it's a picture!
02:39Listen, I have been stuck in the house all day with my bloody mother.
02:44Having to listen to the inane chatter of her under imbecilic cisterns
02:47that I only escape by pretending to be Father...
02:51...Trespass at the children's home.
02:53So, will you please remove your opposable digit from your rectum
02:57and get me a shitting drink?
03:00All right, Prof. Get him a drink, Janet.
03:03Be back in two shakes of a kangaroo's cock.
03:07I'll wait for you here, shall I?
03:08Oh, Ellen, you're such a spunk rat.
03:11That's a good thing.
03:12Ta-da!
03:15Now, that is what I call a carol service.
03:19Lovely girl, that carol.
03:21Wahey! The mania!
03:25Oi, Grandad, get out of it!
03:28Oh, dear. How embarrassing.
03:31We've come out in the exact same outfit.
03:34I'll have to go home!
03:35Sarah, you're in a very good mood.
03:37It's Christmas!
03:38I wish it could be Christmas every day.
03:45I am certainly glad that it is not.
03:48My mother believes that Christmas is a time for abstinence and castigation.
03:52We spend the entire festivals eating gruel and beating ourselves with paddles.
03:56You jammy bugger.
03:58I spent 500 quid on a weekend like that once.
04:02I'm just glad I'm not spending Christmas with my mother.
04:05You've got a mother, Bullshithead?
04:06Gov!
04:07Yeah, of course I do.
04:08What did you think?
04:09Well, I just thought you sprouted from a mouldy beer towel in the snark.
04:13Why don't we ever see her?
04:14Because she's a right royal pain in the arse, that's why.
04:17Always bullying everyone and going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on with her.
04:22Stupid, outdated opinion.
04:23Fortunately, I take after my father.
04:26Whoever that was.
04:27Eh?
04:29Nothing.
04:31How about a Christmas kiss, darling?
04:33I'd rather use a porcupine as a panty liner.
04:36Me too.
04:38You have to kiss me.
04:40I've got the mistletoe.
04:42It's the law.
04:44And it's the law I intend to take full advantage of.
04:47The lines man must pop down to the train station.
04:55Back off, mate.
04:58Back off.
05:00You're lucky, mate.
05:01It's a season of goodwill to all men.
05:04There are other options.
05:10Oh.
05:12Bingo!
05:15No, Terry, are you mad?
05:16No!
05:20Three crisps!
05:21Three crisps!
05:23With power!
05:24With power!
05:25With power!
05:27Ex Maria, Virginie, Galete!
05:32Darling, God's never.
05:34Close to the angels I'm going to marry!
05:37Ex Maria, Virginie, Galete!
05:42Hi, girls.
05:44My eyes snubs.
05:45Have you met my goblin elves?
05:47Hang on, they're going to help me empty my sacks.
05:51Greg Thompson, what an unexpected pleasure.
05:54Of course it is.
05:55We're collecting for the poor and or nutty kiddies, so all of you cough up.
05:59Bah, humbug.
06:01I thought the whole point of Christmas is I was going to make money.
06:04Oh, dear, slops.
06:05Is that a weed on your bar?
06:06Oh, my mistake.
06:07It's your Christmas tree.
06:09Laugh.
06:10Laugh, everyone, at Mr Thompson's witticism.
06:13Personally, I've got a 50-footer.
06:14And my Christmas tree's pretty big and all.
06:18I'm implying I've got a massive cock.
06:20All right, my Christmas puddings.
06:21Are you Santa bringing you what you wanted for Christmas?
06:22Well, you're still alive, so apparently not.
06:23Yeah, nice one.
06:24Sorry, Santa.
06:25The only breast you'll be getting this Christmas is turkey.
06:26You'll have to jingle your own bell.
06:27Actually, Janet's with me and I don't much care for the way you're talking to her.
06:41All right, pal.
06:43How many girls we can't hang around here?
06:44Because later on I'm going to be coming down all your chimneys.
06:48Clean your hearts.
06:49Clean your hearts.
06:51Clean your hearts.
06:52Clean your hearts.
06:53The poor, round-door, nutty kiddies, thank you.
06:56Hey, kiddies, thank you.
06:58Bastard. 12-way action.
07:01That's Dodeca action.
07:03Uh, guys!
07:05Can someone get me out of here?
07:09Oh, well. The math's a math.
07:26Hey, you two, stop that.
07:31That better not be French kissing, not in my gaff.
07:34Come on, mate, sling your hook.
07:37Actually, Alan's staying the night.
07:39Oh, no, you don't.
07:41Under my roof!
07:42Oh.
07:43Well, okay, then I'll just let him out the back door.
07:46Eh?
07:48Oh, yeah, that's right. Better be off.
07:52Prick.
07:54Loser.
07:56Right, well, then, I'll see you tomorrow.
08:01Yeah, I'll be leaving now.
08:03Okay, bye.
08:04Bye.
08:10You all right, son?
08:12I'd love to stop and chat, but if I'm not fast asleep,
08:15when Santa gets here, he won't leave me any presents.
08:17Rules is rule.
08:23Hello?
08:24What?
08:25The home's burnt down.
08:26Oh, God, my mother.
08:27She's...
08:28She's...
08:29Oh, bollocks.
08:30She's all right.
08:33Oh, God, no.
08:34No, you listen to me.
08:35It's not my problem.
08:36You can't house her.
08:37No, you...
08:38No, you can't!
08:39No!
08:40Christmas with my mother!
08:41No!
08:42No!
08:43No!
08:44No!
08:45No!
08:46No!
08:47No!
08:48No!
08:49No!
08:50No!
08:51No!
08:52No!
08:57What are you doing here, you stupid old bastard?
08:59We're closed.
09:00You mistake me, friend.
09:02I am the ghost of Christmas past.
09:05I am one of the first spirits...
09:07Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:08We all know the story.
09:09It's been done to death.
09:10Get on with it.
09:11Fuck!
09:12That was my big speech.
09:14Come on.
09:23We're walking in here.
09:25You rest of hell.
09:27Everybody does that.
09:28It's not funny.
09:29Miserable old ghoulie.
09:33The Yuletide of 1972.
09:36Look, that's my old mum.
09:38She's so young.
09:39Here, is that my old man in there, eh?
09:41Ha, ha, ha!
09:44Put your back into it.
09:47Son!
09:48What are you doing in here?
09:49Stop it.
09:50The boy.
09:51He leaks me.
09:52Course it's you.
09:54Mummy, Mummy, I made you a Christmas card.
09:56Ah, well, leave it in the bin.
09:58I'll look at it later.
09:59No, Mummy, look!
10:00Give it us here.
10:04Is that supposed to be me?
10:05Me, with green hair and a blue face?
10:08I have never been so insulted in all my life.
10:11You are a bad boy.
10:12Now get out!
10:14Oh, God.
10:15This is not a very good example.
10:17We'll try another year.
10:21Keep it up, Barry.
10:22You're doing fine.
10:23Get back down there.
10:24Two short Christmases later.
10:25Oh, yeah.
10:26I remember this.
10:27Woo-hoo!
10:28Quick before my husband gets back in the castle, Gary!
10:30Son!
10:31What are you doing in here?
10:32I'm playing dressing up.
10:33Now you listen to me, my boy.
10:34Men do not put on dresses.
10:37Men do not wear make-up.
10:39You are never confused.
10:40Never confused.
10:41Say it.
10:42I was never confused.
10:43Can I come in?
10:52You all right, son?
10:53Just come and poke round with the old boiler.
10:54So you get out of there and leave us to it.
10:56i was never confused can i come in you all right son uh just come and poke around with the old
11:02boiler so you get out of here and leave us to it i love you mommy well i don't love you not after
11:14what you did to my fanny oh well maybe i'll leave it hey oh come on terence a mouth to mouth yeah i
11:22suppose so i never looked it like that before balls i'm really picking them tonight
11:34a mouth's a mouth
11:381979. mother mother you need to come downstairs right now piss off his father's wake piss off
11:48my dad died at christmas still he'd lived his allotted span as a publican two score years and
11:54five only 13 years for me now not long now point your clothes and get downstairs
12:01ah hello there young man i was just uh looking for narnia oh i hate you mum oh piss off
12:11um look i really do not feel correct about this i uh your female form repulses me but the manner of
12:21your exposure is somewhat stimulating proceed
12:31oh you're right you poor sod christmas is cracked i quit
12:37hello i am the ghost of christmas present leave it out girl it's not worth it okie dokie and you
12:49future you really should have seen this coming get out you lot you're barred for life after death
12:56i don't believe it you didn't come and i've been good all year
13:07luckily i thought to buy myself a present
13:12oh the fat dump board game i'm cheating me remember when the proper
13:17shut up yeah fair enough
13:19you made it then prop yes i managed to slip a few sleeping pills into mother's gruel this morning
13:27i hope i did not slip in too many
13:31it's a lovely spread gun thanks no it's not for you it's for my mother everything has to be perfect
13:36she's one christmas she's not in a ruin oh is your mother coming today oh i knew i shouldn't have
13:43got rid of that condom how lovely to see you it's like i never left
13:54you're right girl sleep well no i only slept a wink
13:57yeah because she's sounding like you're having a terrible dream
14:00it's all screaming and shouting and moaning and something about a big boy and you wanting him to give
14:04you something
14:09wanker no you're the wanker
14:20hey look what i've got for christmas you've got your laptop i did great isn't it
14:26i'm bored with it now where are we going i hope you're not gonna take advantage of me
14:38that is the woman i'm going to marry terry that's my mother oh sorry guv i didn't recognize with her
14:44clothes on could you sign for this please guv yeah sure oh lovely harris oh oh look at all these gorgeous
14:54men happy christmas who are you all dressed up like a great big puff i'm your son i have no son
15:05is that your wife no no no she's just a barmaid i thought she was a bit feminine for you he's so
15:11confused that boy always confused shut up mum i've heard so much about you it's really nice
15:18nice to meet you mrs b h mrs g oh an aussie bread for bar work it's eden stop it i'm doing it on me
15:30own instant you gotta watch the till mind them aussies are all thieves every last one of them
15:41hanging's too good for them shut up mum are you trying to get me drunk
15:47what for half to put a tongue in nasty bastard you stay away from me you naughty old lady
16:01do you know who i blame for all the problems in this country the gypsies they want to send them all
16:09home you haven't really thought that one through every mother and another thing that bsc it's got
16:15nothing to do with cars it's all them vegetarian lesbians screwing monkey
16:28and you can say what you like about it but some of his ideas were right it was just the way he went
16:35about putting them into practice and another shush mum call that stuffing it looks like sick
16:43for more white wine for the lady boy oh leave me alone i just need you to complete the set
16:52i'm cheeky me you're not you're so not cheeky hey it's the christmas postie that isn't for me is it
17:01that's right that's right yes it isn't for you it's for janet hello oh how's that where's it from
17:08well he's from me oh alan my last boyfriend never gave me anything except thrush but that's cleared up
17:15now though but hey piss off bean face damn my bean shaped face
17:21i think we should all bow our eggs and give thanks to jesus oh can it granddad it's christmas for
17:36god's sake just one day of the year could you please shut up about religion will you please
17:40just grab the bloody turkey i've been eating gruel for three days
17:46no answer where is everyone today hello hello
17:52let's start with a cork up her ass shut up mum she's my new boss and she's only got six months
17:59left to live oh dear what a pity never mind hello how you didlin hello i'm fine vicky i've got some
18:08rather exciting news about a revolutionary new hand dryer it's going to change the way we dry our
18:13hands forever yeah yeah that's super it really is but surely you don't have to work today love oh there's
18:18no rest for the wicked this job is 24 7. yeah but it's christmas day is it oh gosh i'm embarrassing
18:27i completely forgot well look um i don't want to interrupt i'll just uh go back to my flat alone
18:33no wouldn't you like to stay with us oh no i couldn't oh dear what a shame it would have been
18:38so nice to have had you here see you later bye get it vicky we would be most honored if you were to
18:44join us for our humble rapace of traditional christmas fair really that's mega we're all going to have a
18:54wumbling merry christmas do you remember that song no sit here biggie was you like to pull my cracker
19:05thank you i'll i'll sit over here hello i don't like you dear you think you're it don't you so don't
19:15even think about having a conversation with me anywho would you pass the sprout and of course you
19:25know alan don't you uh no i haven't had the pleasure i have he works at the brewery no i don't think so
19:36i'm sorry janet i haven't been entirely honest with you
19:40i'm actually one of the policemen who's doing surveillance in the pub last week
19:44i so wanted to talk to you that i suppose you could say i abused my position
19:50you mean the only reason you knew what i like and hate was because you were
19:55secretly listening in on my conversations yeah i'm sorry
20:02that is the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me
20:05seriously yeah mate you have to remember up till you she's only been out with australian blokes
20:13come on i think you better be going home again
20:22don't worry sunshine i'm still available oh leave me alone
20:29if anybody wants me i'll be on my bed in the cellar playing factant alone merry christmas
20:35please please can we begin eating now
20:38algenon now how did i guess i would find you here mother um i i can explain
20:46i and what happens to little boys who sin at christmas the devil tosses them off
20:53and where did he toss them off to into the bowels of hell the very bowels of hell my boy
21:03your only hope of salvation is 48 hours self-inflicted paddling
21:08i do believe it's dorothy moore we were at school together that woman makes the whore of babylon look like snow white
21:31oh you're a fine one to talk i have engaged in that unspeakable act on only one occasion in order to
21:38produce algenon mr mccoy and i beat ourselves soundly with paddles for a whole fortnight afterwards
21:46oh and the rest we used to call her the milk float because she'd been around the block that many times
21:54you lying fucking top
22:02no mother mother stop it stop it you're not going to ruin this christmas for me you could ruin it for me when i was a child but now
22:11i am a man a man come on come on so i want you to sit down shut up and eat your christmas dinner but i
22:21no i would shut up
22:25listen to me you're not you're going to sit down and you're going to eat your bloody christmas dinner
22:28and you're bloody welcome to enjoy it this is going to be the best bloody christmas any of you sad
22:33bastards you've ever had and if i hear one word of complaint out of any one of you you'll be barred barred
22:39and you're not
22:46i
22:48you
22:50you
22:52you
22:54you
22:56you
22:58you
23:00you
23:02you
23:04you
23:06you
23:08Jerry, you're barred.
23:19Well, gov, it was her.
23:38You're barred.