- 05/06/2025
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00:00This planman's breakfast is lush, Gav.
00:27I don't know how you keep dreaming them up.
00:29Either you've got it or you haven't, Terry.
00:31First I had the idea of frying up the bread.
00:33Then I fried the cheese.
00:35Then I swapped the ham for bacon.
00:36Fried.
00:37Then I fried the cucumber and the lettuce.
00:40The fried egg placed atop the dish is surely la pièce de la résistance.
00:45Oi, prof, no French.
00:48What's the fried egg?
00:49The piece of the resistance.
00:52That's better.
00:52I must confess, at first I wasn't convinced about the fried chutney.
00:56It really worked.
01:01Doesn't it?
01:04Perhaps I should have left out a pickled onion.
01:07I fried it.
01:08Of course.
01:09Why didn't I think of that?
01:10Tug in the latch!
01:12Oh, yeah.
01:13Great British grub in the Great British pub.
01:15Because you can judge a nation by its food, can't you?
01:17You are what you eat.
01:18You are what you eat.
01:20Connie, do you fancy being my cock tonight?
01:23Terry, are you actually asking me to eat your penis?
01:27Yeah.
01:30I would need to literally consume it in order for your joke to work.
01:33I know.
01:36And anyway, from what I hear, it's a snack you can have between meals without spoiling your appetite.
01:40Shut up!
01:41It's like a piece of celery.
01:43Who told you about that?
01:46Anyway, Terry, I thought you said you didn't fancy me.
01:48I don't.
01:48I was just teasing you again.
01:50You're never going to eat my genitals, never.
01:54You would not want to.
01:55The human penis is somewhat unpalatable.
01:57Too many cocks.
01:59Well, the prof.
02:02Oh, so I have heard.
02:03Do you mind?
02:04I was talking here.
02:05You can judge a nation by its food, can't you?
02:07Well, you are what you eat.
02:08I mean, the French are French.
02:13Frogs, snails and horses.
02:14Frogs, snails and horses.
02:16Now, what does that tell you about the French, eh?
02:17They're stark staring mad.
02:20You're right, Gramps.
02:21That are extremely hungry.
02:24The Italians, what do they eat?
02:26They eat pizza.
02:27That's right, which says to me they're a bone idol, lazy, feckless people,
02:31entirely reliant on takeaway food for sustenance.
02:35Lazy.
02:35Stephen?
02:36Connie.
02:38Can't you do it, Steve?
02:39I'm trying to work.
02:40I've got to rest.
02:42I've got a broken foot.
02:43Your foot can't still be broken.
02:45I did medicine last term,
02:46and a minor fracture like that should have healed in about a month.
02:49Well, my bones are very slow to mend.
02:52I'm a medical marvel.
02:53Yeah, well, mend this, Marvel boy.
02:57I was talking.
02:59The Germans eat sauerkraut, yeah,
03:01which says to me they hate themselves and want to die.
03:04You know, there's no German word for happy.
03:07Did you know that?
03:08And yet they've got 22 different words for poison gas.
03:13Ah, that's pumpengassen.
03:15You are incorrect.
03:18The German word for happy is glucklich.
03:20Oh, yeah?
03:21I mean, how would you know that, eh, Lord Haw Haw?
03:23Fact hunt.
03:24How many times I am not fact?
03:26No, no.
03:26Fact hunt.
03:27Fact hunt.
03:28It was one of the questions on fact hunt.
03:31Oh, I see.
03:32Do you remember when the prof won two quid on that?
03:35Yeah.
03:36I never forget it.
03:37It was nothing.
03:39Oh, my goodness.
03:40It was a noise town.
03:41I am trying to work.
03:42I've got a very important philosophy exam this afternoon.
03:45Philosophy?
03:45Yeah, time waster.
03:47Oh, some subjects are worth studying, yeah.
03:49Chemistry, for instance.
03:50You can do a chemistry degree.
03:51You can get yourself a job in boots.
03:53Yeah, that's right.
03:55Modern languages learn a foreign language,
03:57go to a foreign country and be rude to those foreign people
03:59in their own foreign language.
04:02Poetry.
04:02But, philosophy, I mean, what's the point?
04:04What is the point of anything?
04:06Someone should look into that.
04:10Do you know what will happen if I fail this exam?
04:13Do you?
04:14I will be given only six further chances to retake it.
04:18And if I still fail to achieve the 10% pass mark,
04:23my tutor will send me a letter
04:25registering his mild disappointment.
04:28You do not know how hard my life is.
04:32You don't have to worry about it, love.
04:34I mean, exams.
04:35Here, boys, have any of you got any exams?
04:37Nah.
04:38Not one.
04:39Failed them all.
04:39Just C or C metal work.
04:41Don't worry about academic exams, love.
04:44I mean, none of us have got any exams
04:45and we've all ended up OK, ain't we?
04:48No.
04:49No, no, you have not ended up OK.
04:52You have ended up as the saddest collection
04:54of degenerate cockwits
04:55I've ever had the misfortune to meet.
04:57You are all strange
04:59and deranged and congenitally insane
05:01and that is why I have to do well in this exam
05:03so I don't end up like any of you.
05:05You pig ignorant.
05:06Hey.
05:06Pig ugly.
05:07What?
05:08Pig shagging.
05:09Just the once.
05:12I'm the bloody holly.
05:14Please, love.
05:15We do not use the A word in here.
05:16You know we prefer the term piss apostles
05:18without a judious piss carrot amongst them.
05:22Oh, I hate you and I hate this place.
05:24No, just leave me alone.
05:27Don't worry about her, lads.
05:29Time of month.
05:30The crimson tide is lapping at the tulip of A.
05:33Carrie.
05:34She is sitting on weeping
05:36by the red rivers of Babinon.
05:39Stop it.
05:40No one's pricked her.
05:41Does she not bleed?
05:42I like that one.
05:44Classy.
05:45Stop it, Terry.
05:46Don't talk about her like that.
05:47She's too young and pure
05:48to have any bodily excretions of any kind.
05:51Oh, love.
05:52What?
05:53Leave her be.
05:54You know, Gov,
05:55that food was lush.
05:56I've made up my mind.
05:58Today, I'm going to spend the whole day
06:00eating as a ploughman.
06:02What do you mean?
06:03I mean what I say.
06:04For the rest of the day,
06:05I'm going to eat the fair
06:06that would grace the plate of a ploughman.
06:07I'm going to have ploughman's breakfast,
06:09ploughman's lunch,
06:11ploughman's dinner,
06:11ploughman's supper,
06:13and if I get a bit peckish,
06:14I'm going to have a ploughman's snack.
06:15Don't be a fool, Terry.
06:17All that cheese.
06:18You'll have nightmares.
06:19I said I've made up my mind.
06:22A ploughman's diet
06:23was notoriously unhealthy.
06:25Why do you think none of them are left?
06:28The demise of the ploughman
06:30is due to the mechanisation of ploughs
06:31in the late 18th century,
06:32which rendered agriculture more efficient.
06:34That's not how I remember it.
06:36Oh, death.
06:38Why did you take them and not me?
06:41Bowman.
06:42I could do that.
06:43Well, this barman thing,
06:44it's always been temporary.
06:46You know, ploughing stuff.
06:47With my plough.
06:48Get a call in the morning.
06:50Hey, look,
06:50can you come and plough my field?
06:52Well, I'm looking in my diary,
06:54but I'm chock-a-blocked till next Tuesday.
06:55Could you not do it sooner?
06:56It's a ploughing emergency.
06:58I hear you, cheap plough.
06:59I'm looking now
07:00and it's ploughing, ploughing lunch,
07:02ploughing, ploughing lunch.
07:04Plough.
07:04I'm serious.
07:06I'm going to do it.
07:07I'm going to plough my way out of the ghetto.
07:10Why don't you put a card
07:10in the newsagent's window?
07:12Oi, Crosby, get back here.
07:13You're supposed to be working.
07:15Oi, Garb, I'm feeling a bit peckish.
07:17You couldn't trussle me up
07:18the ploughman's brunch, could you?
07:20I don't know, Terry.
07:21No brown cheddar-style
07:21processed cheese flavoured wedges
07:23don't come cheap.
07:24It's any expense.
07:28All right.
07:28Bloody hell!
07:35Can't I get a moment's peace
07:37in this place?
07:38Oh, sorry.
07:39Oh, wait a minute.
07:44What am I apologising for?
07:46You're the one
07:46who's supposed to be working.
07:47That is what I'm trying to do,
07:49you fat-headed twat.
07:50I'm not fat-head!
07:53And I'm not a twit.
07:54I said twat.
07:55No, you didn't.
07:56You wouldn't know such a word.
07:57So young, so innocent, so pure.
08:00Look, look, I've just got to make Terry
08:01a ploughman's brunch,
08:02whatever the hell that is.
08:03Oh, I don't know,
08:04perhaps a ploughman's
08:05with everything fried
08:06on just one side?
08:07That's brilliant!
08:08You're a genius!
08:09I mean, no-nothing
08:09bloody student.
08:11Lucky gets, that's all.
08:13So lovely.
08:16So you can still cook,
08:17despite your barman's hand?
08:19Oh, yeah.
08:19You see, my barman's hand
08:22only affects bar-related activities.
08:24I can still cook,
08:25even though it's woman's work.
08:27Oh, my bloody useless hands
08:29mock me.
08:30Oh, hands,
08:31if only I could get my hands on you.
08:37Look at me!
08:38Don't look at me!
08:43I'll just try and be as quiet as I can.
08:49Well, thank you, Maura!
08:55Can you just stop for one moment
08:57and think what it is like for me?
08:59This exam counts towards
09:000.3% of my final degree!
09:05Calm down, love.
09:06It's not that important
09:07if you think about it
09:08in the grand scheme of things.
09:09I don't think you can have heard me!
09:110.3%!
09:13It doesn't matter.
09:14It's just a philosophy exam.
09:16Try and be philosophical about it.
09:18You know, it's all academic book work
09:22if you think about it, isn't it?
09:24You know, it may seem like
09:25all the world to you now,
09:26but in the future,
09:27when you're dead,
09:28it...
09:29That came out wrong.
09:32Can I get back to work now?
09:35No.
09:36You don't understand.
09:37There are more important things
09:38in life than all this work.
09:39You see...
09:41You see, today I've got a letter,
09:43right, from my...
09:43from my wife.
09:45Now, the thing is,
09:46the divorce had hit me hard enough,
09:47but now it seems
09:48she's only getting married again...
09:50...to a Frenchman.
09:55Next month.
09:56Oh, yeah.
09:57I thought she'd just left me
09:59to teach me a lesson.
09:59I thought she'd be coming back.
10:01But now it looks as though
10:02I'm never going to see my boy.
10:04I miss my boy, that's all.
10:06I'm never going to see my son again.
10:08Do I have to say it
10:12for a third time?
10:130.3%!
10:18Yeah.
10:19All right, love.
10:20I'll leave you to it.
10:28Quickly!
10:28The landlord is returning!
10:29From the Palamon's brunch!
10:40Ah!
10:41Tuck into that!
10:43Hurry up and get us a drink,
10:45hey, Gov,
10:45a man could die first in here.
10:50This Palamon's brunch is blinding,
10:53Gov.
10:53Genuine oats cuisine.
10:55in. I love the half-fried cheese. I think it's clogging up my artichokes. I warned you,
11:05Terry, no good will come from your ploughman's plan. Yeah, what with your history of heart
11:09attacks. Oh, no, the grim rimmer. Oh, come on, death, take me. It must be my turn by
11:21now, be fair. Fair enough, mate. I couldn't just finish me brunch before I go, could I?
11:31Death, you're a diamond.
11:41That's it. All done. I couldn't have another pint before I go, could I? Maybe a game of
11:49chess. Do not challenge death, my friend. You may win the most terrible prize of all,
11:56eternal life. Grow up, you old git. It's obviously just Crosby dressed up.
12:06I knew that. Look at your face. It's a picture. Pitch off.
12:11What are you thinking of me ploughman's outfit?
12:16Crosby, do you have any actual idea of what a ploughman does? I mean, think about it, son.
12:21The clue is in the name.
12:23Of course I do. He ploughs things with a plough.
12:28God, look at me straight.
12:30All right, Gav, look at the clock. Time for me lunch.
12:33Terry, you sure you really want to go through this eating as a ploughman all day thing?
12:36Of course I do. When Terry Brooks says he's going to do something, Terry Brooks does it.
12:41Yeah, which is why you've been engaged over a hundred times, yet never got married.
12:44Oh, you really know how to work a man, don't you?
12:47I'm sorry, Terry. It's just I've got a lot on my mind.
12:50You know, I got this letter this morning, and, well, the divorce had hit me hard.
12:53Any time on that ploughman's, Gav.
12:56Right away.
12:57One for me too, Gav. Better keep my strength up.
13:00Probably got a heavy afternoon ploughing ahead of me.
13:03Surprised no-one's called you up so far.
13:04It's lunchtime.
13:07Who's going to be stupid enough to ring a ploughman during lunch?
13:27Oh, for God's sake!
13:29It doesn't matter anyway, damn it.
13:31What's the matter, darling, girl?
13:34Connie?
13:35No good. I'm going to fail. I am so stupid.
13:38Oh, you're not stupid. Don't be stupid.
13:41You think you're stupid, then you really are stupid.
13:44Stupid.
13:46Yeah, I am so stupid.
13:47No, you're not. You're the cleverest person I've ever met.
13:50All right, I haven't met that many people, and all of them have been thick as pig shit.
13:53Oh, great. Less thick than pig shit, so I'll put that on my CV.
13:58You're working too hard. That's what it is. Take a break.
14:01You know what they say, if you don't know it now, then you never will.
14:04Yeah, but I don't know it now.
14:06Then you never will.
14:07Don't you get it? I haven't had time to study, what with working here and being secretary of the JCR,
14:13and then the drinking and the partying, and then I have to watch daytime TV
14:17just so I can keep up with all the ironic conversations about how brilliant it is.
14:21And now I'm going to fail.
14:23God.
14:24Oh, look, just hang on a second. I've got to take Terry as ploughmans.
14:27Look, you stay here. Don't do anything stupid. Don't put your head in the oven, please.
14:30If I haven't cleaned it in years, you'd never get the grease off.
14:33There you go.
14:37Ploughman's lunch. Pure, single, classic.
14:42Look at all that cheese.
14:45Where's mine?
14:46Oh, I figured you wouldn't be doing any ploughing today.
14:48Seeing as the sort of ploughing you might do with that kind of plough
14:50would be round about autumn, during the harvest time.
14:54You reap stuff in the autumn?
14:57Some people.
14:59God, I am so stupid!
15:01Oh, I've got to go.
15:03Crosby, you're in charge.
15:04Unless an urgent ploughing thing comes up, then I'm out of here.
15:07What's happening?
15:09There are peas coming out of my face.
15:12My lord, you're Terry.
15:13Too much cheese. It's a waking nightmare.
15:16Cheese is one of the most powerful hallucinogens known to mankind
15:19when consumed in sufficient quantity.
15:21Ah, but look on the bright side.
15:23All that cheese does seem to have stopped him farting.
15:26I'm all banged up!
15:28The luxury of methane-free air are going to come at too high a cost.
15:32Stop eating the cheese, Terry.
15:34For God's sake, stop eating the cheese!
15:38I have to eat it, old man.
15:39When Terry Brooks says he'll do something, Terry Brooks does it!
15:44Ah, look!
15:46It's a devil woman with evil on her mind!
15:49Help me!
15:53There, there.
15:55Oh, I want to, but I can't!
15:58Two years!
16:00I have to go now. My exam starts in ten minutes.
16:03Hang on a second. I can help you.
16:05Yeah, as if.
16:06No, no, no. I'm not as stupid as I look.
16:08Look, we go over the main points together.
16:09I don't think so. You're hardly Confucius.
16:11I was never Confucius.
16:13No.
16:13The thing is, though, you've got to look at it like this.
16:15Every philosopher's philosophy tells you as much about himself
16:18as it does about the meaning of life.
16:20It's obvious. Listen to the governor.
16:22It's staring in the face, yeah?
16:23Now, that bloke you just said.
16:25Confucius.
16:26Yeah, the Roman geezer.
16:27Now, what did he say?
16:29My enemy's enemy is my friend.
16:31Yeah.
16:32My enemy's enemy is my friend.
16:34Very profound, that, innit?
16:35Yeah?
16:36But what does it tell us about Confucius?
16:37Well, it tells us he was a short bloke, didn't it?
16:40Because if he'd been built like a brick shithouse,
16:41that would never have occurred to him, would it?
16:43My enemy's enemy?
16:44Where is he? I'll have him as well.
16:45Come on!
16:47This isn't really helping.
16:49No, no, no. Give me the book.
16:50Give me the book.
16:51Yeah? Let's have a look.
16:52Hey?
16:53Plato.
16:54Ah, yeah.
16:54Invented the platonic relationship.
16:56Bastard.
16:58What does that tell us about Plato, eh?
17:00I don't know.
17:01It tells us that he was an ugly, charmless man, yeah?
17:04The only bloke in Greece in Cape to get off with a middle-aged woman from Birmingham on her holidays.
17:08Look at me!
17:10All my pupils are diluted!
17:13That devil woman's got me up to behind!
17:16Piss off, guys!
17:17I'm the driver, not the navigator!
17:20I'll go away!
17:21You're just the pigment of my imagination!
17:24I'm going in the hole!
17:26Now, that Nietzsche.
17:27He invented Superman, but he never saw a penny from him.
17:31I have to go now.
17:32No, no, no.
17:32We've just got one more to do.
17:34Descartes.
17:34Rennie Descartes.
17:35Now, he said that thing, didn't he?
17:36I think, therefore I am.
17:39What does that tell us about Rennie?
17:41Well, it tells us that he was unemployed, didn't it?
17:43Because if he'd had a job, he'd never had time for all that bloody thinking.
17:46Great, thanks.
17:47You've been a really big help in wasting even more of my valuable time.
17:52Now I have to go.
17:53Go, Connie, go, quick.
17:54It's Terry.
17:55He's over deed on cheese.
17:56He's collapsed.
17:57Oh, no, that's terrible.
17:59I could be held liable for this.
18:00I'll have to go now.
18:02It sounds like that's in five minutes.
18:03But, Connie, you're the one who can help.
18:04You said you did medicine last term.
18:06Yes, but if I'm late, it's an automatic fail.
18:08It's my whole future.
18:10It's a man's life.
18:11But it's not 0.3%.
18:14Selfish cow.
18:18Yeah.
18:20Lovely, though, isn't she?
18:25Yes, she is.
18:26Four times in the last two years, he's been at death's door, and I haven't even got through
18:42the front gate.
18:43Lucky bastard.
18:44Terry, I'm sorry.
18:46I feel partly responsible.
18:47I promise I'll never, ever serve ploughmans again.
18:49Why should every ploughman be penalised?
18:51Because one idiot can't handle his cheese.
18:53I hate to say, part of me is relieved.
18:56I had no idea what I was going to give him as a ploughman's dinner.
18:59Well, what shall we do?
19:00What shall we do?
19:01Well, has anyone rung 999?
19:03No, Steve wouldn't let us.
19:05Got to keep the line free in case a ploughing job comes in.
19:08Yeah, I suppose fair enough.
19:10We've got to do something fast.
19:14Any ideas?
19:15Paddle him.
19:16Would that help him, Prof?
19:16It would help me.
19:18Maybe we could turn him upside down and shake him and all the cheese would come out.
19:23Don't be stupid.
19:24I haven't paid for these carpets yet.
19:26Maybe we could cryogenically freeze him until the technology to cure him is invented.
19:32That's the best idea yet.
19:33Right, let's get him in the freezer.
19:34Come on.
19:36Come on, put your bats into it.
19:37Oh, my old man's arms.
19:40Come on, me, Terry and Steve got Tony Harris upstairs the other day.
19:43Yeah, I think Terry did most of the lifting.
19:45I pretended like this.
19:48Yeah, me too.
19:49Oh, Connie, I knew you'd come back.
19:53I knew you wouldn't forsake a dying man.
19:56Yeah, well, I just want you to know that by doing so, I've now failed my exam and it's
20:00all entirely your fault and not my fault at all.
20:03What shall we do?
20:04Right, get the first aid kit.
20:07What we need to do is administer a shot of adrenaline directly into Terry's heart.
20:11Whoa, like in Pulp Fiction!
20:13Is it?
20:14I wouldn't know.
20:15I learnt it at college.
20:19Have we got any adrenaline, Steve?
20:20Er, no.
20:21We've got an odd-shaped bandage, some Savillon, oh, and a mouse.
20:26Hang on a minute.
20:27Ha-ha.
20:28I've got some of this nicure my wife got from a jorker in 91.
20:31This will get anyone's heart pumping.
20:33Right, it'll have to do.
20:35Now, what we need to get is a really big hypodermic syringe so that we can get it through his ribs.
20:39Steve?
20:40Maybe the mouse could burrow into his chest and spit it into his heart.
20:46No.
20:47What we need is something very sharp and very strong.
21:04You have to be really careful.
21:06He'll die if you go even a millimetre too far.
21:09Oi!
21:09No metric!
21:11The blade has to enter the heart, but only very slightly.
21:13I know!
21:15Now, perhaps I should do it.
21:16Perhaps I should do it!
21:18Who's a professional ploughman?
21:19What's ploughing got to do with it?
21:21Don't confuse him any further, love.
21:23Ready, Croft?
21:23Yes, as soon as the scythe plough enters the heart, I shall pour in the liqueur.
21:28I do hope he does not die.
21:30One, two, three.
21:39Oh!
21:40That was blinding!
21:42I've had all my drinks intrapenously from now on.
21:45I think it's unclogged me, too!
21:49I think it's just a normal full English breakfast, all minced up in a mincer, with some spuds on the top.
22:10Yeah!
22:10That's made up my mind.
22:13Today, I'm going to spend the whole day eating as a shepherd.
22:17Do you think that's wise, Terry?
22:19All that potato?
22:21Diet and mainly potato can't be good for you.
22:23I mean, look what it's done for the Irish.
22:24That's made up my mind.
22:26When Terry Brooks says he'll do something, Terry Brooks does it.
22:30A shepherd?
22:32I could do that.
22:33A shepherd in the sheeps around.
22:36And I've got the crook.
22:39Hi, Connie!
22:39You're late!
22:40Not that it matters.
22:42So lovely.
22:43Hope you're enjoying being alive, Terry.
22:46That's all right.
22:47A bit overrated, if you ask me.
22:50Yeah, well, thanks to you, I failed my philosophy exam.
22:53I just hope I can make out the remaining 99.7% on the rest of the coursework.
22:57Won't they let you take it again, though?
22:59Yeah, but only five more times.
23:01Better get to work, then, love.
23:02No, it's not till next Friday.
23:04Plenty of time.
23:05Lately, student.
23:08So lovely.
23:10Oh!
23:11Shepherd's brunch when you're ready, gov.
23:23Oh!
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23:36ت
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23:43Ya
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