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00:00Do you, Terrence Leslie Brooks, take Victoria Bloody Ms Jackson Cow to be your lawful wedded
00:26wife, even though she has never pulled a pint? No, no! Too bloody right? Go! What result? Yes!
00:36How many times, Terrence, are you supposed to say, I do? I do!
00:40But I'm going to marry Ms Jackson. I can't believe my bloody luck.
00:44That's not the point. You should follow the wedding service in the good book to the letter,
00:50else your union will be barren.
00:53He's already got her pregnant, you stupid old bastard.
00:57I'll have to try again.
00:58Oh, for God's sake, we have been going through this sad pantomime of the marriage ceremony
01:05all day and he still has not got it correct. My knees are killing me and I need a shitting
01:09drink.
01:10Well, I really enjoyed it, Terrence. I'd be proud to be your wife.
01:16Get off.
01:18Always the bridesmaid.
01:20All right, all right. We'll take a break then.
01:21Give us a pint, Steve.
01:23Aren't you going to take that dress off?
01:25No.
01:26Well, why go to all that bother when I've just got to put it back on again?
01:34All right, Paulie?
01:35Get off.
01:36I've got the crisp for the stag night.
01:38My crisp, my beautiful last crisp is a free man.
01:42Oh, look at that.
01:43That is a woman I'm going to marry.
01:45Terry, you're about to marry Ms Jackson.
01:47Oh, yeah, bollocks. I forgot.
01:52You'll be paying for the stag night up front as usual.
01:54Of course.
01:55Look, Gov, I want to thank you for sorting this all out for me.
01:59You're my best mate in the old world.
02:02Yeah, about that, Terry.
02:03I thought I was going to be your best man.
02:05Oh, yeah, sorry, Gov.
02:07I forgot I promised Gary.
02:13Bastard.
02:14Anyway, you're conducting the ceremony.
02:16Are you sure landlords are legally allowed to conduct marriages?
02:20Yeah, of course.
02:20It's vicars, landlords and captains of football team.
02:24Ludicrous.
02:25Morning, fellas.
02:27It's six o'clock in the evening, Davo.
02:30Bonus.
02:30You want to go back to bed, Jello?
02:32Hardly seems worth it.
02:34The only thing you've managed to raise in the bedroom this last week is a smile.
02:37The implication that Davo has a dysfunction of the erectile tissue of his penis is hilarious.
02:46Although disappointing.
02:48Look at his face.
02:49Can you see what it is yet?
02:53It's a picture.
02:56Don't hang shit on me, Grandpa.
02:57I'm an Aussie.
02:58I reckon I'm the Aussiest bloke in the world.
03:00Yes, we know.
03:01The only way I could be any more Aussie than I am now would be if I had, like, a tail and two massive feet and, like, a pouch.
03:07Shut up, baby!
03:10Anyway, Steve-O and I reckon this place isn't very Aussie.
03:13You say that like it's a bad thing.
03:16Would it be alright if we whacked up an Aussie flag?
03:18Yeah, alright.
03:19Be my guest.
03:20Thanks, mate.
03:22Janet, how long is this ponce boyfriend of yours staying?
03:25I want him to leave, but he just won't take the hint.
03:28Watch.
03:29Hey, Davo, will you piss off bed to Australia?
03:33How do you mean?
03:37Oh, you're great, Davo.
03:39Thanks, Steve-O.
03:40I'm learning how to be an Aussie, like you.
03:44Gee-day, mate.
03:46Why are you looking for a thing calm?
03:49Steve-O, that's fantastic.
03:51But if you want to be really Aussie like me, you have to do this.
03:55This isn't pretty Aussie.
04:02Oh, yeah.
04:03It's a beautiful country out here.
04:08So, uh, how many times have you been engaged now, Guest Feds?
04:11I don't keep count.
04:13I don't know, Terry, all these times you've been engaged but never got married, it's not normal.
04:17Not only that, it's not fair.
04:19It's like having all the fun of committing a murder without actually having to go to prison.
04:22You know, it cannot be as good as that.
04:27Hey, Bordhello, what do you reckon are these?
04:30Yeah, it's not bad, but do you mind if I make a couple of adjustments?
04:34Oh, no, look.
04:36It's so interesting.
04:41There.
04:41That's much better.
04:44Don't forget, pal, she's your queen, too.
04:46It's all right, Mr Jackson.
04:47Yeah, yeah, everything's fine.
04:49Yeah.
04:50Hello.
04:51Good day!
04:54Hello, Mrs Brooks.
04:55All ready for Saturday.
04:57Yeah, who's the gorilla?
04:59I'm Miss Victoria's minder.
05:01I could be so good for you.
05:03Do you remember that programme?
05:05Yeah, for once, I actually do.
05:06Yeah, I love that show.
05:07I identified with the barman.
05:10Daddy can't be here for the actual wedding.
05:12He's in Africa, bulldozing orphanages to make way for munition factories.
05:15So he's hired him to make sure I don't do a runner before we get hitched.
05:21Jeez, you are one ugly bastard.
05:24Did you get whacked in the gob with the ugly stick or what?
05:26Well, watch it, pal.
05:27Hey, don't spin out.
05:28I'm only pranking.
05:29Dave, I was a prankster.
05:31No, no, no, no, Steve.
05:32I'm not a prankster.
05:33I'm the prankster.
05:35I'm a prankasaurus.
05:36I'm General Pranko.
05:37I'm Frankenstein's monster.
05:39Pranking Stein.
05:41Are you Australian?
05:43Oh, mate, am I Australian?
05:45Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
05:46Cos I fucking hate Australian.
05:52No, no, I'm not Australian.
05:54Oh, no, I must be the least Australian person in the world.
05:59Lucky for you, mate.
06:00I am.
06:01I'm an Aussie.
06:02Terry, I need to talk to you.
06:07He thought I was Australian.
06:08I've come to ask you to reconsider.
06:13Oh, well, you know, sorry, babes.
06:15I've already paid for the stagnating.
06:17I'll reimburse you.
06:18Plus, I work for a brewery.
06:21If you don't marry me, I can get you free beer for life.
06:24Well, I don't, no.
06:26And a 10% discount on all crisps, excluding luxury crisps.
06:30You're kidding.
06:31I love crisps, mate.
06:33The wedding's off.
06:34If you don't marry Miss Victoria, I'm going to rip out your testicles
06:39and crush them into testicle dust in a testicle crushing machine.
06:44Then I'm going to place them in a very big cannon
06:46and shoot them up into the heart of the sun.
06:52The wedding's back on!
06:54Yay!
06:54Oh, this is minging!
06:58Very good.
07:04Look, Janet, I know I'm not exactly your fave person,
07:07but surely you can help me.
07:10Hmm.
07:11Well, I'll help you organise your hen party.
07:14We can have it here tomorrow night.
07:16No, no, no, no.
07:17Vicky can't come here.
07:18It's my last night as a free man.
07:20You tell her, gov.
07:21No, no, you'd be more than welcome, girls.
07:23Double the takings.
07:25Ha-ha.
07:25Lots of money.
07:26Ha-ha.
07:28Ha-ha.
07:32Now.
07:37Oh.
07:40Oh.
07:46What are you doing, Davo?
07:47Oh, nothing.
07:48Is it one of your pranks?
07:49Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm playing a prank on the gov-o, you know?
07:52Don't tell him, will you?
07:53No, Wooka Furry.
07:55Ha-ha-ha.
07:55Hey!
07:57Have you seen my hat?
08:00Oh.
08:02Steve-o, you got this Aussie thing down pat.
08:05That's fantastic.
08:06Oh, I know.
08:06The only way I could be more Aussie
08:08is if I was in an Australian remake of that film, The Fly,
08:12and unbeknownst to me,
08:14a kangaroo hopped into one of me telepods.
08:18Shit, Steve-o, that wouldn't be very Aussie.
08:20That'd just be like some weird conglomeration of man and marsupial.
08:25Oh.
08:26Sorry, Davo.
08:27Help me be more Aussie.
08:29Well, if you want to be really Aussie,
08:32what you've got to do is go to Australia.
08:36That's great, but I couldn't afford it.
08:39Well, I'll lend you the money.
08:41Really?
08:42Yeah, there you go.
08:43Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
08:48Excellent.
08:48morning slops Greg Thompson one unexpected pleasure yeah I'm just on my way to Landlord of the Year
08:58Awards surely I can't win it again this time you deserve it too true slops too true you are my
09:05little dairy they dunker when you're gonna come work for me then when Haley's chosen as a venue
09:10for the Winter Olympics I like water sports myself don't I love oh Greg hey buck are you looking at my
09:19girlfriend's tits yeah yeah they're pretty good ones aren't they I said you had nice tits god women
09:28there's no pleasing them you're Australian mate I am I Australian yes he is bloody Australian
09:33you can't be stopping because later on I'm gonna let you polish my trophy it's 16 inches eye with
09:39a head the size of a cricket ball I'm implying I've got a massive cock you still wearing that I
10:01couldn't get it off cap oh I love stag nights because you get pissed at a stag night getting
10:11pissed it's pretty Aussie the only way I could be any more Aussie than that would be if I was made out
10:17of wool I don't drink alcohol is that problem no not at all you're still Aussie cheers yeah Miss
10:26Victoria's having a lovely time come on Jack see cheer up it's your head night you're meant to be having
10:33fun have a drink no it's what got me into this trouble in the first place oh now come on you need a
10:38look on the funny side
10:40sorry pal no mythical half-man half-beast creatures in here now go it's me Terry you master of disguise you
10:58I'm a stag of course you know why men have stag nights and women have end nights don't you yeah
11:05because that's the way men and women see themselves in it yeah men see men see themselves as stags yeah
11:10mighty noble beasts yes every nerve vibrant sinew alive with the possibilities of nature's glory yeah
11:16for the right to service and dominate submissive does yeah whereas women have head nights because
11:26they see themselves as hens puffed up clucking creatures little more than egg-laying machines
11:32woken every morning by an insistent cock
11:37I wish lay off me jano
11:47oh jeez if a blown-up condom attached to you doesn't cheer you up nothing will
11:56what's this now don't pretend you don't know slapper come on have a drink Janet I'm pregnant
12:06jack see this is gas pants kit it's gonna be 50 proof as it is yeah and the way I see it you
12:12should start kids on booze as soon as you can I mean they're pissing and puking themselves as it is
12:17why wait another 18 years back off Brussels
12:20I always wanted to have a baby
12:24man alive I never thought I'd be having one with him
12:29this is my impression on an express train
12:33hey Terry here's to your little one
12:44who told you about that
12:47I meant your baby
12:50oh right oh yeah oh yeah
12:52my baby eh
12:53it's a beautiful thing having a baby Terry
12:55yeah you cherish that kid
12:57yeah you clutch him to your breast
12:59you hold it tight and you never let it go
13:00unless of course he's being sick in which case hold it to one side and aim it at its mother
13:04I remember when my Stan was born
13:10he was so perfect
13:12I felt I was in heaven
13:14when he grasped my finger in his tiny hand
13:17what I didn't know then
13:19was that those hands would go on to strangle
13:22a whole cage full of monkeys
13:25rather spoils the moment in hindsight
13:30hey Jenna
13:32cop this
13:34be a nice one Davo
13:40oh Davo you are such a prankster
13:44you're even funnier than Cheeky Alan Supple
13:47oh let me try
13:48it does burn
13:54you know you and I are not so different Janet
13:59we're both saddled with horrible men we can't get rid of
14:03yeah I don't know what that's about
14:05I mean even though I hate him
14:06I can't resist the dirty scuzzy bastard
14:09at least I'm not so stupid as to get pregnant like some kind of troll
14:13come on prof let's rat
14:18I do not believe
14:18yeah yeah we are men
14:20we are stags
14:22let's fight with our antlers
14:23to see who is the most dominant
14:25oh come on prof
14:28kill me
14:29kill me
14:31kill me
14:33you asked for it
14:34Algenon
14:40Algenon is that you
14:45dressed up as the horned man himself
14:49you know what to do
14:52oh shut off mother
14:54who dare you speak to me like that
14:58have you been drinking
15:00yes
15:01and smoking
15:03and dressing up as a stag
15:05and cavorting with this man
15:07and I nubbed it
15:09oi
15:10so
15:13piss off
15:15you ugly old harridan
15:17when you have sobered up
15:22you will have to come home
15:24and I promise you
15:26you will be paddled
15:27until your arse is red raw
15:30with the big paddle
15:34now I shall pray for you
15:39oh my word
15:47the big paddle
15:48what have I
15:49what's wrong with us Jaxie
15:53if the prof can stand up to his mum
15:55we can stand up to these bastards
15:57hey Jano
15:58there's something I want to ask you
16:00like
16:00you know
16:01I reckon you're a real top chick in that
16:02and like
16:03I love the way you wash me undies
16:05and you laugh at all the funny things I say in that
16:07and you're a real top root
16:08you know
16:09when I can crack a stivvy
16:10so
16:10you know
16:12what do you reckon
16:13do you want to get married and that
16:14shit yeah
16:15oh tops
16:16I'm going to get pissed
16:17Barry
16:22Mike
16:23Dave
16:23cheers
16:24cheers
16:25let's hear it for the beer
16:26cheers
16:27all hail to the ales
16:28cheers
16:29and welcome to wine
16:30for the ladies
16:31so go
16:34guess who won the landlord of the year award this year
16:37Greg Thompson
16:38no no no no no
16:40your dear old uncle Barry finally did it
16:43Barry
16:43you beat him justice
16:45yes yes
16:47so that silly nitty will have to eat humble pie tonight
16:50the cocksure little fucker
16:52well done Barry that's pucker
16:57I made up for you
16:59shall we pop the shampoo
17:01oi Barry you know I won't have that French muck in here
17:03I ain't give it a year I'm celebrating
17:06hey
17:07oh shit
17:12sorry mate
17:14no I'm done
17:21it could happen to anybody
17:22delicious
17:25uh oh
17:28Jackson's on the grog again
17:30watch out
17:31the nympho's about
17:32come to daddy
17:33wait a minute
17:37now I'm drunk again
17:39the mists are clearing
17:41I didn't come back here
17:43after leaving the queen of hearts
17:45on gay night
17:45I never even saw Terry
17:48I've been crumbled
17:49I went to the swan
17:52I remember everything
17:56lads
18:00it's been a lovely night
18:02thank you
18:02doing fine
18:03hello there
18:10Miss Jackson
18:12what are you doing here
18:13you know very well Barry
18:16well now Vicky
18:17let's not be hasty
18:18I think you've had a few too many
18:20maybe you should be in bed
18:22now you're getting the idea
18:24Miss Jackson
18:25you try to seduce me
18:27you bet
18:28do you remember that program
18:30no
18:30but I must warn you
18:32that I'm a recovering sexaholic
18:34keep it up Barry
18:46you're doing fine
18:48did that actually happen
18:57I've assumed it was a dream
19:02I've seen the old dog yet
19:05well then Cherry Blossom
19:07if you're the father
19:08you'll have to marry Miss Victoria
19:10I don't think so mate
19:12I'll stand by you Vicky
19:15help you raise the child
19:17I'm ashamed to say that
19:19I was never that responsible
19:21in my youth
19:22but now
19:23in the winter of my life
19:25I have a chance
19:26to make up for it
19:27but as a committed atheist
19:30it would be hypocritical
19:32of me to marry you
19:33warm up the testicle
19:34crushing machine
19:35will you
19:35if you think you can cope
19:37and have a go
19:38alright
19:38if you think you're hard enough
19:40I have to warn you
19:41that I am an expert
19:43at fight dynamics
19:45alright
19:46alright
19:46I'm not going to touch you
19:48you ain't heard the last of this
19:50Barry my hero
19:53get a grip Barry
19:56get a grip
19:57goodbye
19:58thanks Uncle Barry
20:01you know Gov
20:02with all this talk of
20:04paternity
20:05I want you to know
20:08that I really am
20:10your dear old dad
20:13would have been proud of you
20:14you're a good lad
20:17really
20:17thanks Uncle Barry
20:19come on lads
20:23duty again
20:26Leslie
20:29I don't suppose there's anything
20:30no I thought not
20:34look at me
20:35all dressed up
20:37and nowhere to go
20:39oh well
20:41a mouth's a mouth
20:43well what a day
20:53still
20:54at least I got a lovely till
20:55chock full of beautiful bloody money
20:57where's the money gone
21:00somebody's probably pinched it
21:02I bet it was an Aussie
21:03pinching money is one of the Aussiest things you can do
21:05who do you reckon's the Aussiest person here
21:07me
21:08me
21:08me
21:08me
21:09I'm Aussie
21:09well come on then
21:10cross me
21:11turn out your pockets
21:12so it was you Steve
21:15oh Davo gave me that
21:17I did no such thing
21:18Steve
21:19how could you do this to me
21:21after all I've done for you over these years
21:23you get out
21:24never darken this door again
21:26but I'm your barman
21:28I have no barman
21:31go
21:31well
21:35if there's a job going
21:37an Aussie
21:38bread for bar work
21:39it's instinct
21:41no you can't do it
21:43I told you to get out
21:46instinct
21:48I'll be back
21:50no you won't
21:51you are bad
21:53delicious
22:11nah never confused
22:12Janet what are you doing down here
22:22look I can't stay
22:24you know I left Australia to get away from that stinking dagger
22:27I'll go home
22:28no Janet you can't go
22:30I've grown accustomed to your face
22:33it's been a year
22:35it's been a year
22:35Christ what's that
22:38I cannot go home
22:41my mother will kill me
22:43get out prof go on
22:45Janet
22:48Janet
22:49no
22:51go
23:07go
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23:18go go go
23:19You