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00:00Of course, it was the British who invented all the main sports.
00:20Cricket, rugby, rowing, football, tennis.
00:23Hockey?
00:24Yeah, clearly an off day, that one.
00:27Polo, dart, snooker, shove, apeney.
00:30Running.
00:31Well, we didn't invent running, exactly, but we have inspired a great deal when we turned
00:34up on foreign shores with firearms.
00:37The golden days of the British Empire when one-fifth of the world map was pink.
00:43Not the colour I'd have chosen.
00:46Ta-da!
00:47Got any lugs left?
00:50There you go, guest pits.
00:52Enjoy.
00:53Mmm, suck into that.
00:55Just what the doctor or judge.
00:57You know, you listen to me.
01:01I need 200 scented urinal splosh mats and I need them yesterday.
01:06Oh, no, today would be fine.
01:09Okay.
01:10Hello.
01:11Hello.
01:13Governor.
01:14Ms. Bloody Jackson.
01:15If I don't get this out right away, I think I'm going to burst with excitement.
01:22I'll feel like that every time you walk in here, Vicky.
01:26Listen up.
01:28How do you lot fancy being on TV?
01:31I've already been on TV.
01:36Oh, yeah?
01:36What so?
01:37Crime Watch.
01:40Yes.
01:41It was Crime Watch, actually.
01:43I was appealing to my stand to give himself up.
01:46If only he'd listen to me, those pandas would still be alive today.
01:53Anywho.
01:54About my news.
01:55Oh, sorry.
01:56Weren't you the centre of attention for one second?
01:58Everyone listen to Nicky.
02:00Vicky.
02:01Annoying, isn't it?
02:02All right, girls.
02:03Who here watches late night cable TV?
02:07Oh, I don't.
02:08Not me.
02:09Me either.
02:11Still, hey.
02:14I do.
02:15It's blinding.
02:18Ever wished you were taking part instead of just watching?
02:21Too bloody right.
02:23You know those guys get paid as well.
02:25Talk about on-the-job satisfaction.
02:28Then I'm guessing you'd be interested in being on Fact Hunt.
02:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:35Fact Hunt.
02:35Fact Hunt.
02:36You know, the cult TV pub quiz show.
02:38The very television programme upon which that trivia machine is based.
02:42Remember when the prof won two quid out of it?
02:45I wish that you men would stop harping on about that.
02:50It's hosted by Cheeky Alan Supple.
02:53I'm Cheeky Me.
02:54God, I love him.
02:55I'm his number one fan.
02:56I can't believe you've chosen us to be on it.
02:59I love you, Vicky.
03:00Miss Jackson.
03:02I haven't exactly.
03:03I mean, you have to get through quite a few heats before you actually get on the telly.
03:06Never put a point in the life.
03:09Now I'm looking for his.
03:10We'll walk it.
03:10We've got the prof.
03:11Yeah, we're going to be on Fact Hunt.
03:13I'm Cheeky Me.
03:14Goal!
03:15In the first round, you're drawn at home.
03:17We're going to be on Fact Hunt.
03:18I'm Cheeky Me.
03:19Goal!
03:20It all kicks off on Tuesday.
03:22We're going to be on Fact Hunt.
03:23I'm Cheeky Me.
03:25And you're playing a team from Greg Thompson's gaff.
03:28I'm Cheeky Me.
03:32Pass out.
03:33Each team is made up of the landlord of the pub plus three of his regulars or bar staff.
03:45Don't waste your breath, darling.
03:47We don't stand a chance.
03:49We're up against Greg Thompson.
03:50What?
03:51Tickets?
03:52That stupid fig jam is as thick as a lobotomised slug and twice as sliming.
03:57Doesn't matter.
03:58He always beats me.
03:59Always has.
03:59Get a grip.
04:03Are you a man or a muff?
04:05A muff?
04:06We are going to win this.
04:08We've got the profs.
04:09And we've got you, Gov.
04:11You know everything about European history.
04:14Hmm.
04:14And you just so have a...
04:18Quiet, darling.
04:19I am trying to think.
04:21I'll do it, Gov.
04:23I went to the University of Life.
04:24I've got a degree in hard knocks and a no-level in ringing people's doorbells and running away.
04:29But I've failed that.
04:31I respect that, Terry.
04:32I respect that.
04:33You haven't filled up that pretty little head of yours with book knowledge, have you?
04:36Now, I mean, I feel sorry for clever people.
04:39I think in all the time.
04:42Drinking coffee, thinking even more.
04:45Can't stop thinking.
04:49Ordinary people have got a pint on the go, not a thought in their heads.
04:54Isn't that right, Terry?
04:57Aye?
04:57That's beautiful.
05:01You're on the team.
05:02Oh, great.
05:03Just promise me you won't try and answer any of them questions.
05:05You won't hear a peep out of me.
05:09I can give you the beer.
05:10I'm really good.
05:11Please.
05:13Can I be in it, Gov?
05:14Sorry, son, no.
05:15Oh, but I've watched every episode of Fact Hunt.
05:18I'm cheeky, mean.
05:19Yeah, and could you answer any of the questions?
05:21Well, not as such.
05:22I'm cheeky, mean.
05:23Yeah, and could you remember any of the answers when they come up?
05:26Not really, no.
05:27I'm cheeky, me.
05:28Steve, would you mind if I was a tiny bit cheeky with you, eh?
05:32Would you mind that?
05:32I'd love it.
05:33Cheeky, eh?
05:34Yeah?
05:35Mm?
05:39Look, I don't want to blow my own trumpet.
05:42Shut up, Terry.
05:43But I was grand champion of the Australian TV quiz.
05:47Who wants to win a case of beer?
05:50With all due respect, my darling, you was up against Australians.
05:55You're cruising for a contusion, mate.
05:57And besides, you do not send a woman to do a man's job.
06:02No, no, it's all right, Squire.
06:04We're doing fine as it is, thanks.
06:06All right.
06:07She's on the team.
06:13Double arsehole.
06:19Ta-da.
06:21It's a crack.
06:24What is an odinist?
06:26I should know that one.
06:28Terry.
06:29You're making a big mistake, bullet head.
06:31Go.
06:31It's not too late to change your mind.
06:33Barry.
06:34Mike.
06:34Dave.
06:35What are you doing here?
06:37Cheers.
06:38Yeah, cheers, yeah.
06:39Let's hear it for the beer.
06:40Cheers.
06:41Cheers, yeah.
06:41All hail to the ale.
06:43Cheers.
06:44Cheers, yes.
06:45And welcome the wine for the remainder.
06:48Yeah.
06:49Now, the best of luck tonight, Gubb.
06:50We thought you might need a bit of support.
06:53See?
06:53Thanks, Uncle Barry.
06:54That's beautiful.
06:54Oh, nothing would give me more satisfaction than to see you trounce Greg Thompson.
07:00To be perfectly frank with you, the man is a complete fucker.
07:03We're right behind you, Gubb.
07:10I'm filling up.
07:11You are the best supporters a man could ever have.
07:14That's why, wait, this one.
07:15Then you come.
07:16We hate your pub and we hate your pub.
07:18We hate your pub and we hate your pub.
07:20We hate your pub and we hate your pub.
07:22We are your pub.
07:24We hate us.
07:25You're shit.
07:26No, no, you are.
07:35Oi, oi, slops.
07:36Looking forward to tonking you again as usual.
07:38Met my new barmaid.
07:39This is, um, what's your name again, love?
07:41Jenny.
07:42Well done.
07:43It's the only question she'll be getting right today, eh?
07:45That is a woman I'm going to marry.
07:47So, is she on your team then, Greg?
07:50No, this is my team.
07:52All right, I guess, get over here.
07:53As you know, the university is next door to my gaff.
07:56This year, a professor at that joint, Mr Professor Baker.
07:59Oh, yes?
07:59In what do you specialise?
08:01Oh, well, everything.
08:02My first degree was in history.
08:04Then when I was 15, I took a degree in both philosophy and robotics,
08:08which I completed while training as a lawyer.
08:10Um, need I go on?
08:11No, you don't need to, but blokes like you always do anyway.
08:14They answer your questions on pop music, film, TV and 1970s suites.
08:18Who remembers Freddos?
08:20They still do them.
08:21Computer wizard and net millionaire.
08:23Must have sold a lot of nets.
08:24It's the Brian O'Green.
08:25Who remembers speed bugging?
08:29Seriously, though, nice to meet you, chum.
08:32Got you!
08:33Fucking crutching!
08:34And completing the winning team, Jack Raymond.
08:39You're joking.
08:40Is that the best you can do?
08:42It even makes me look good.
08:44Why don't you go home to your mother?
08:48Is he 18?
08:49Of course I am.
08:50I was born on June 12, 1982, which incidentally was a Saturday.
08:54What about the 16th of July, 32 and 98?
08:56A Wednesday.
08:57754 times 397?
08:59299,338.
09:01How many matches?
09:0259.
09:03Well done.
09:05All right, all right.
09:07If you're so clever, what am I thinking about?
09:09Jenny's mammary glands.
09:13He's good.
09:14Well, it is going to give me enormous pleasure to piss all over you from a great height.
09:19Oh, well, we'll see about that, Greg.
09:21I'm talking to Jenny.
09:22Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
09:30I can't bring you home beer in here.
09:31Who says we can't, Slups?
09:33Me?
09:34You're a very funny little man.
09:37Who's the tosser?
09:38Who's the tosser?
09:39Who's the tosser with our air?
09:42Who's the tosser with our air?
09:46Who is the tosser with our air?
09:48Oh, sorry.
09:49Listen up.
09:50Hello.
09:50Come on, I'd like to make a start ASAP.
09:54So, when does he get in?
09:56Who?
09:57Who?
09:58Cheeky Alan Supple.
10:00That's who.
10:00Oh, he doesn't come to the heats.
10:02I'm going to be question master tonight.
10:04That's no good.
10:05You can't go, I'm cheeky me, can you?
10:08I'm cheeky me.
10:09Now, so you're a professor, correct?
10:15Yes.
10:16And at what discipline are you a professor?
10:18Oh, well, it's more of a Nicky name, really.
10:22Yeah, he wears glasses, you see.
10:24Oh, dear.
10:25Well, I suppose my speciality would be television science fiction.
10:28Star Trek, Star Trek Voyager, Blake Seven, Doctor...
10:32Who grew up?
10:35I'd give up now if I was you, mate.
10:37You ain't got a chance.
10:38I disagree.
10:39Your team's composed of ignoramuses.
10:41Aye?
10:42Simpletons, cretins, clowns, nincompoops, dunces, dimwits.
10:45Ah.
10:46I won't be so sure.
10:47Any questions on Elvis and I'm laughing.
10:49Elvis?
10:50Nerd alert, nerd alert!
10:52Oi!
10:54Don't knock him!
10:55There's only one Elvis.
10:57Well, who is the one Elvis to which you refer?
10:58Is it Presley or Costello?
11:01There's only two Elvises.
11:04Right, my little sweet pea.
11:05I'll see you again.
11:06What on earth could have caught your attention?
11:08Tickets.
11:09Oh, it's my tits.
11:10What an unexpected turn of events.
11:12Yeah, nice one.
11:13I'd just like to say, may the best team win.
11:17Don't worry, Cherry Blossom.
11:18We will.
11:19Yeah, good luck, mate.
11:20Nice one.
11:21Thanks, Tom.
11:22That's really nice.
11:22Mate, let's get started.
11:23I'll see you again.
11:24I'll see you again.
11:28Critting.
11:32I didn't even put one on his chair.
11:35How did someone like you get to be a millionaire, eh?
11:37Have you got a website?
11:39Is that it?
11:39Have you?
11:40Hey?
11:40W-W-W-W.
11:42End.
11:43End.
11:44The end.
11:44What do you mean, we haven't started yet?
11:46Oh, I said it.
11:47The end.
11:47Must say it.
11:48The end.
11:48You can't sit on the end.
11:49Baker's on the end.
11:50No, no, no.
11:51No, that's right.
11:52Your dreams are super clever.
11:54Baker's in hand.
11:57Okay.
11:58So, let's hear some support for Greg and his team.
12:01We're lost.
12:03We're lost.
12:05Good.
12:06And for the governor here.
12:08Bullets.
12:08Kids.
12:09Gov.
12:10Great.
12:11Okay.
12:13It's opening time.
12:18Just a few simple questions to start with.
12:20What's the capital of Australia?
12:22It's Canberra.
12:23If they'll say Sydney, all you stupid pawns say Sydney.
12:26Canberra?
12:26No, no, no.
12:27It's Sydney.
12:27He meant Sydney.
12:28You can only accept your first answer, I'm afraid.
12:30Oh, crap.
12:31You've screwed it up.
12:32Which was correct.
12:33One nil to you.
12:36You genius.
12:40One nil in your face, Thompson.
12:42We're heading to win this.
12:45Who won the Franco-Prussian War?
12:49England.
12:50Prussia.
12:55Correct.
12:56Prussia is no such bloody country.
12:58That's the French for you, though.
12:59They'd lose to anyone.
13:00Narnia, England.
13:01I cannot hear the questions.
13:05What colours make up the Italian flag?
13:08White.
13:10No.
13:11It's the only colour flag you'll ever see them wave.
13:14The colours are red, white and green.
13:15Red, white and green.
13:16Red, white and green.
13:17Red, white and green.
13:17Yes, yes, correct.
13:21And at the end of the first round, the scores are home one, Queen of Hearts 15.
13:26Don't worry, gov.
13:30You're doing fine.
13:33Queen of Hearts.
13:34Queen of Hearts.
13:36Queen of Hearts.
13:37So, posting.
13:39You're not supporting the Queen of Hearts, are you?
13:41No.
13:42Oh, good.
13:43They're all bastards, aren't they?
13:45I just want you to know that I knew every one of those shithouse questions.
13:49Oh, yeah.
13:50It looks easy from down there, but when you're up here in the spotlight...
13:54Oh, rack off, Jess Pence.
13:56OK, round two.
13:58Make mine a short.
13:59I'm cheeky, me.
14:01You're not cheeky.
14:02You're not cheeky.
14:04Who was Rembrandt's wife?
14:05Who was Rembrandt?
14:08That's an easy one after all.
14:10She was in most of his paintings.
14:12Saskia.
14:13That's correct.
14:13Yes.
14:14Yes.
14:15What star does the earth revolve around?
14:19Elvis.
14:20Oh.
14:21Terry!
14:22I told you to shut her!
14:24No.
14:25It is the earth sun.
14:27The earth sun.
14:28The earth sun.
14:29The earth sun.
14:29Oh, you're lucky, sir.
14:31Trick question, asshole.
14:33Terry!
14:33If you two would simply let me answer some of the questions, then we might get somewhere.
14:39Who here likes Cheeky Alan Supple?
14:41Yeah, I'm cheeky, me.
14:43Because me, I'm cheeky, me.
14:45Is this loser with you, Mike?
14:47No.
14:47Piss off, dickhead.
14:48Yeah, get lost, you knob.
14:50Don't worry, it's just banter.
14:52We're great mates.
14:53Have it, Michael.
14:54Hey, David!
14:55Hello, hello.
14:57So, you're not only a bean-faced loser and a dead-end job, but you're a soccer yobo, too.
15:03How am I able to resist your child?
15:05Stop calling me bean-faced.
15:07Stop having a face shaped like a bean and I will.
15:11And leave my Steve-o alone.
15:13Oh.
15:15Shit, don't know.
15:16I'm hurt.
15:16Shit.
15:17It doesn't matter, Russell.
15:17It doesn't matter.
15:18It's it bloody does.
15:19A lot of the answers, but they're too quick on the buzzer.
15:28I think I'm in here.
15:30Wait.
15:30That's it, Terry.
15:31That's it.
15:32These overheated brain box tits spend their whole lives with their heads in books.
15:36They never actually see any real women.
15:39Janet?
15:40What?
15:40You're going to help us win this one after all.
15:43Oh, bonza!
15:44Ha, ha, ha, ha!
15:46And at the halfway stage, it's 32 to 1 in the Queen of Hearts favour.
15:51Yeah!
15:53Easy!
15:54Easy!
15:54Easy, please, darling.
15:55Just do it.
15:56I'm not doing it!
15:57Oh, come on.
15:58I need this.
15:59Who shot J.R.?
16:01Come on.
16:01Do it!
16:05Kristen Shepard?
16:06Correct.
16:07Yeah!
16:09What is the square root of 179,776?
16:17424.
16:19Correct.
16:19Justice!
16:23We're catching up, but not fast enough.
16:25Is that Professor Baker?
16:26It doesn't seem to work with him.
16:28Maybe being a professor, he does all right with the women.
16:30Maybe, Janet.
16:32But maybe not.
16:33Stephen?
16:45Who wrote...
16:46Who wrote the opera Turandot?
16:54Oi!
16:54Prof!
16:55Golly!
16:56Oi!
16:56Harvey!
16:57Prof!
16:57Oh, oh, oh, oh!
16:59It's Pachini, Pachini, Pachini!
17:00Correct!
17:01Oh, yeah!
17:04Last orders, please!
17:06It's the final question, and there's only one point between the teams.
17:10OK.
17:12How many UK number ones did Elvis Presley have?
17:19I don't know.
17:21No!
17:22No!
17:22Yes!
17:23Yes!
17:23One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirty, forty,
17:30fifteen, sixteen, seventeen!
17:32Seventeen!
17:33It's the correct answer!
17:34And all that means that with 37 points to each team, we have to go into the sudden death lock-in!
17:51Get this right, prof, and I promise you I'll give you anything you want.
17:56Anything?
17:56Oh, yes, anything!
17:57Anything!
17:58Algenon!
17:59Mother!
18:00Algenon!
18:01Your tea's on the table getting cold.
18:06I thought I told you never to come into these houses of sin.
18:10Mother, I wasn't drinking.
18:12I was just playing a little quiz.
18:14And what happens to little boys who disobey their mothers?
18:18The devil sucks them off.
18:21And where does he suck them off to?
18:23Into the bowels of hell.
18:25Into the very bowels of hell, my boy.
18:27Mother, please, please, just let me stay just a little bit longer.
18:31Mother, this is what I was put on earth to do, please.
18:34Come home at once or you get no tea.
18:37I'll make you tea, prof.
18:38Just stay, please.
18:40Oh.
18:41And I suppose you'll change his soiled sheets every morning for 40 years as well, will you?
18:47Er, no, I don't think I will.
18:51Now get through that door before I tan your hide.
18:55I'm sorry, everyone.
18:56Well, that's us up shit creep without a poodle.
19:02The rules do allow for a substitute player in the event of incapacitation.
19:06Choose me, bullet head!
19:08She's answered every question so far.
19:10Me, me, me, me, me, me.
19:13Sorry, Steve.
19:14Come on, love, sit down.
19:15All right.
19:17All right, all right, all right.
19:18One minute.
19:19What is the national airline of Australia?
19:24Come on, darling.
19:26Come on.
19:27She's froze, gov.
19:30I'll never be there for a second, yes, please.
19:33Quantus.
19:34The answer's Quantus.
19:34Only five, Quantus.
19:35Never.
19:36Yes, correct.
19:36Correct.
19:37Yes.
19:40The mystery one.
19:41Just one second.
19:44I found out something rather interesting about Jack Raymond.
19:49My suspicions were aroused the second he said he was 18.
19:51At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it.
19:54Get on with it!
19:55There's an article about him in But That's Impossible magazine, which claims he's only 12 years old.
20:01But that's impossible.
20:06He knew the right year of birth for an 18-year-old.
20:10This throws the entire British public house age assessment system into turmoil.
20:16The rules clearly state that all contestants must be over 18 years of age.
20:21I'm sorry I have no option but to disqualify the entire Queen of France.
20:24Oh!
20:28Come on, big green.
20:30He got it fair and square.
20:32Ha-ha!
20:33We're better than you are.
20:34We're better than you are.
20:36That's it.
20:37So, the winners are...
20:41Just one second.
20:42I've just been surfing on the net.
20:44W-W-W.
20:46And I found out something rather interesting about Janet Wilson.
20:50According to classified government records, it appears her residency visa expired six months ago.
20:57She was also fielded an illegal player.
21:00But she didn't even answer any questions.
21:01That's not the point.
21:02She still has to be expelled from the competition.
21:04And presumably from the country itself.
21:07Well, in an ideal world.
21:09Yeah, but if you kicked out all the illegal Aussies, who'd staff our bars?
21:13No biggies.
21:14Who wins the contest, eh?
21:16I have no option but to call for an immediate replay of the entire competition.
21:20With both teams made up of British nationals over 18 years of age.
21:25And I'm going to miss Ali McBeal.
21:32Don't worry, Gav.
21:34It's not over till it's over.
21:36And it's time for last orders, please.
21:39Who painted the night watch?
21:43That's our old friend Rembrandt again.
21:45Oh.
21:45Correct.
21:46Yay!
21:47Hi, gentlemen, please.
21:51The Queen of Hearts are the winners.
21:52Yay!
21:52Yay!
21:53Let's make one again.
21:55Oh, you're sick!
21:56Oh, you're sick!
21:57It's time!
21:59No call for language.
22:01At least we kept our dignity.
22:04I managed to sneak out whilst Mother was sleeping.
22:06Are we winning?
22:07Queen of Hearts!
22:09Queen of Hearts!
22:10Queen of Hearts!
22:12Queen of Hearts!
22:14Queen of Hearts!
22:16Queen of Hearts!
22:18Queen of Hearts!
22:19Queen of Hearts!
22:21Queen of Hearts!
22:22OK.
22:24The final question.
22:26How is Mostellus canis better known?
22:29The dogfish! Correct!
22:33Queen of Hearts, Queen of Hearts!
22:36Tied, gentlemen, please!
22:38Oh, that's the bell end. I mean, the bell for the end of the show.
22:43On Tiki Me!
22:49Oh, fantastic! So the Queen of Hearts are the Grand Champions!
22:52So that's all from Fat Con for this series, and from me, Cheeky Annan Supple.
23:01I'm Cheeky Annan Supple!
23:03What's he doing against us, Mike?
23:05Aye, up, and it looks like Greg here hasn't just won the cheque.
23:09I'm Cheeky Me!
23:12Why don't you piss off, Cheeky?
23:15Oh, shit!
23:17Frostbink, turn that off!
23:22We are good.
23:44We actually are in the league with the ages, but we couldn't get up here.