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00:00Let's go.
00:30Come on, Steve.
00:34I'm back!
00:36Yes!
00:37Ah-ha! La Beaujolais Nouveau est arrivé.
00:39Oi! Prof! No French!
00:42Well done, Steve, you've done it again. Victory!
00:45What's all this in aid of, Prof?
00:47Ah, well, every year when the new Beaujolais wine is ready,
00:49the English pubs race to be the first to bring it back from France.
00:52Oh, I thought I wouldn't have thought bullet-head.
00:54Open that, sweetheart.
01:00I'm ever so good at sucking cork.
01:07But that's impossible!
01:09Remember, Steve, she's an Aussie, bred for bar work.
01:12It's eein-sting!
01:14Who's in time for that now, Steve?
01:16Oh, beautiful.
01:18France's finest.
01:30Fantastic stuff. Gets the porcelain gleaming every time.
01:37And it kills all known germs.
01:39Yeah, except for the French themselves.
01:41Ironically, it makes them live longer.
01:44But the more of it we waste, the sooner they'll all die.
01:47Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
01:50Justice!
01:51Yeah, ponds and men, all the debt must have rotted your brains.
01:56Oh, it's just a shame Terry wasn't here to see that.
01:58Yeah, it's not like him to miss Beaujolais Nouveau day,
02:01or any other day come to that.
02:02Yeah, he hasn't been in for almost a week now.
02:04Yeah, I must admit I have missed him.
02:06His constant farting actually masks how bad this place really smells.
02:10No, I don't think he's sleeping.
02:13He can't be.
02:14If he snuffed it, Bagsy I get his stalled.
02:17Oh!
02:18In your face, Prof, I Bagsy'd it.
02:19Hold your horses, Grandad. Terry can't be dead.
02:21Well, you did bore him, Gubb.
02:23You caught him down the market last week trying to pass Gary off
02:25as one of those robotic cyberpets.
02:31He wasn't doing any harm.
02:33What about where he was inserting the batteries?
02:35Actually, I rather like Gary like that.
02:40He reminds me of Doctor Who's erstwhile cyborg companion, K9.
02:44Oh!
02:45Oh!
02:46No, Terry never takes my barring seriously.
02:48If something had happened to him, we'd surely have heard by now.
02:52Ah!
02:54Hello?
02:55Oh, Officer, how can I be of assistance?
02:58Oh, no.
03:00No, tell me it isn't true.
03:01Tell me it's not true.
03:02Oh, poor Gaspence.
03:04I can't believe he's really gone.
03:06Result!
03:07Oi!
03:08Get off there, you stupid old bastard.
03:09It's not Terry.
03:10It's Tony Harris.
03:11Hello, Tony.
03:12Tony Harris?
03:13That's the bloke Miss Jackson replaced his brewery rep, right?
03:16Yeah, and a bloke so fat, if he lies on his back,
03:19Sherpas try and scale him.
03:22Stephen!
03:23Shut up!
03:27Oh, no, surely they let her off with a caution, mate.
03:30First offence.
03:31How many times?
03:32Oh, bloody hell.
03:34Oh, dear.
03:35Well, look, I'll see what I can do.
03:37Oh, the shame.
03:38How can he live with the shame?
03:40Sounds like they caught the notorious train station flasher.
03:44Oh, I do not believe that they have.
03:47I can't believe it.
03:48How can he live with the shame?
03:49It's worse than that.
03:50Tony's only been caught shoplifting.
03:51Oh, is that all?
03:52That's nothing.
03:53Who hasn't?
03:54Yeah, good on him.
03:55He's only taking advantage of the old five-binger discount.
03:56Yeah.
03:57Tony was caught coming out of M&S in ten pairs of ladies knickers.
03:58Oh, that's different.
03:59He should have gone for the designer lingerie because he's much less chafing.
04:14I would imagine.
04:15Anyway, now he wants me to bail him out.
04:17Oh, my God.
04:18Oh, my God.
04:19Oh, my God.
04:20Oh, my God.
04:21Oh, my God.
04:22Oh, my God.
04:23Oh, my God.
04:24Oh, my God.
04:25Oh, my God.
04:26Oh, my God.
04:27There's nothing in here.
04:28Nothing in here.
04:29There must be a thousand pounds.
04:32How many times, Steve, you are not to accept that stuff?
04:36But it's so hard to tell from the real stuff.
04:40Stephen, look carefully.
04:42Hmm?
04:43Hmm?
04:44Hmm?
04:45I had four grand in there last week.
04:49One of you team leads has got his fingers in the till.
04:52Don't be stupid.
04:53I wouldn't train with it.
04:54No, but I got to find a thousand pounds right away.
04:56Or Tony Harris will be left rotten in jail in ten pairs of large ladies' s'mores.
05:01I'll tell you one thing for it.
05:03All right.
05:04I'm going to have to pawn my bell.
05:06That bell could do with a good wife.
05:08Huh?
05:09Reminds me of my last boyfriend.
05:11In what way?
05:13Whenever you mind.
05:14Can you take a minute?
05:16Of course it is, darling.
05:17This bell has been in my family for almost three generations.
05:20It's the bell of the Titanic.
05:22But the bell of the Titanic was surely lost with that?
05:25Ill-fated vessel, eh?
05:27Not the shit, Brainiac.
05:28The Titanic Arms.
05:29You know, the super pub that opens on the high street.
05:32I remember.
05:34The 40-storey pub.
05:36They said it was going to change the way we drank forever.
05:39But it went bust after that disastrous first night.
05:43Yeah, ironically, they ran out of ice.
05:46The governor never recovered from the humiliation.
05:49My father, fortunately, was able to liberate this bell.
05:52Steve, take this down to the pawn shop.
05:54Accept no less than ten thousand pounds.
05:56You can rely on me, Gov.
05:57Good boy.
05:58Now, on your bike, son.
06:00Hello.
06:01Hello.
06:02Hello.
06:03Hello, Governor.
06:04Miss Jackson, what are you doing here?
06:06What are you doing here?
06:07Oh, don't worry.
06:08I'm only here for the beer.
06:09No, it's white wine fruit-based drink for the lady, now.
06:13I was just joshing.
06:15Actually, I don't drink alcohol.
06:16Don't drink alcohol?
06:18Don't drink alcohol?
06:19What sort of brewery representative doesn't drink alcohol?
06:22I don't know.
06:23What sort of brewery representative doesn't drink alcohol?
06:26Eh?
06:27Oh, sorry.
06:28I thought it was going to be a joke.
06:31Ha, ha, ha.
06:32Dilbert.
06:33Be fair, bullet head.
06:34Gav.
06:35Maybe Jaxie doesn't drink because she's an alcoholic.
06:38Janet, how many times?
06:40We do not use the A word in here.
06:42We prefer the term hollow leg top fancier.
06:47Oh, no.
06:48Never fear.
06:49The only kind of drink problem I've got is I just can't afford it.
06:52No, seriously.
06:54Actually, drink is very fattening and we girlies have to keep an eye on our figures.
06:59You like a drink, don't you, Jeanette?
07:01Janet, Janet, Janet!
07:03Janet, why don't you just go and make Ms Jackson a lovely cup of tea?
07:07How do you take it?
07:08Any way she can get it.
07:11Anyway, the brewery are very concerned about petty theft, stock going missing,
07:16so we're doing a series of surprise spot checks on all our gaffes.
07:20I've never pulled a pint in her life.
07:23So, first up, I'm going to need to see your book.
07:25Ja, wohl, muss Hitler!
07:27I mean, why don't we step through the stunt now and we can look over them in a minute, eh?
07:32Da-na!
07:33Na-na!
07:35Da-na-na-na!
07:37Da-na-na-na!
07:39Da-na-na-na-na-na!
07:42Da-na!
07:44Na-na-na-na!
07:45Na-na-na-na!
07:46Na-na-na-na-na!
07:48Na-na-na-na-na!
07:50Hello, Vicky!
07:51We'll be with you in a minute.
07:53Oi, Grandad!
07:54Get out of it!
07:55I'm not dead yet!
07:56You were lucky this time!
07:58I only have to be lucky once!
08:01Terry!
08:02Oh, God, am I glad to see you!
08:05Have we missed you, mate!
08:06Jesus, have we missed you!
08:07Now, Terry, buy something!
08:09Please, just buy something!
08:10Well, I'm not stopping!
08:11I've only come to see if those batteries are turned up yet!
08:14No phone number!
08:15Oh, well, best be on my way!
08:17Terry!
08:18Oh!
08:19Got any lunch left?
08:20I can't wait to work!
08:21Oh!
08:22Oh!
08:23Oh!
08:24Oh!
08:25Oh!
08:26Got any lunch left?
08:27I can't wait to work!
08:28Oh!
08:29Pile them up, then!
08:30Oh!
08:31Oh!
08:32Oh!
08:33Suck into that!
08:35It's beautiful!
08:37I'm filling up!
08:38Oh!
08:39It is blinding!
08:41My condiments to this jet!
08:43God, I've never missed this, Blake!
08:45What do you mean?
08:46Oh, sorry, God!
08:47Look!
08:48I've got some blinding news!
08:50I'm engaged!
08:51We've been married!
08:53Oh!
08:54Bones and guest pets, you leg engaged!
08:57Don't get too excited, love!
08:59Terry's always getting engaged!
09:00He's the only bloke I know who can go into jewellers and ask for the usual!
09:05Our worries are over!
09:07Did you get rid of it, son?
09:08Of course!
09:09Oh!
09:10Good lad!
09:11I love you!
09:12Never confused!
09:13So!
09:14How much did you get for it, then?
09:15That's a brilliant thing!
09:16I've got something better than money!
09:18Oh, no!
09:19Steve!
09:20Who here remembers the story of Jack and the Beanstalk?
09:23Ha!
09:24Please, no!
09:25Well, Jack swaps the cow he's meant to be selling for some magic beans!
09:29Get on with it!
09:30Well, I was on the way to the pawn shop, and blow me tight!
09:34A bloke comes out the shadows and offers me some magic mushroom!
09:38Tell me you haven't done it, Steve, please!
09:40Well, all you need to do now is wait for the magic mushroom stalk to grow!
09:45Come on!
09:46Come on!
09:47Stephen!
09:48That was my answer!
09:53Grow my magic stalk!
09:57I know how to make your magic stalk grow really quickly!
10:01Do you know what I mean?
10:02I mean your-
10:03Cock and ball!
10:04How many times do I have to tell you, Steve?
10:06There's no such thing as magic!
10:07Well, if magic mushrooms aren't magic, why do they call them magic mushrooms?
10:12Janet!
10:13Dispose of those!
10:14With pleasure!
10:15Any sign of those books, Governor?
10:18Coming!
10:19And any time you're ready with that tea, Jeanette?
10:21Yes, it's just brewing!
10:23Come on, Terry!
10:24Give us the boss!
10:25Who's the unbelievably lucky lady?
10:26Well, yeah!
10:27And what breed's her guy?
10:28No!
10:29Not such thing!
10:30That's comical!
10:31Look at his face!
10:32It's a picture!
10:33Oh, it doesn't matter how many times Terry gets engaged, that joke is always funny!
10:38So, what's her name, Terry?
10:39And what's the name of her guy, Doc?
10:40Ha ha ha!
10:41Not such thing!
10:42That's comical!
10:43Look at his face!
10:44It's a picture!
10:45Oh, it doesn't matter how many times Terry gets engaged, that joke is always funny!
10:51So, what's her name, Terry?
10:53And what's the name of her guy, Doc?
10:56Ha ha ha!
10:57Got him again, Steve!
10:58Double time!
10:59Rib tickling!
11:00You're just jealous!
11:03Well, actually, Janet, her name is Cecilia.
11:06Oh!
11:07And where did you meet her?
11:08Presumably somewhere with access for a guide dog!
11:11It's a trouble, you, Steve, innit?
11:14You take a joke and just run it into the grid.
11:17As a matter of fact, I met her up at the... at the nowhere.
11:22Any time this century with those books, Governor?
11:26I'll take them for you.
11:27Oh, thanks, love.
11:28What are you doing, son?
11:30Getting prepared!
11:32Well, when we're sliding down a magic mushroom stalk with an angry giant hot on our heels,
11:37you'll be glad someone thought ahead.
11:39Have you been eating those?
11:41No!
11:42That would be a waste of magic mushrooms.
11:45I can't believe you gave away my dad's bill for this.
11:48That's all I had left of my old man.
11:50It's the only thing I inherited from him.
11:52Apart from this shooing pain that runs down my left arm.
11:55I'm so alone.
11:57So, er, how's the tea?
12:01Mmm, scrum diddlyumptious.
12:03You know, you can fool them, but you're not fooling me.
12:06I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, Jeanette.
12:09Janet!
12:10What am I on?
12:11Yeah, good question.
12:13You don't have to keep up your goody-two-shoes charade with me, Vicky.
12:16I know why you don't drink.
12:18You don't drink cos you don't like to lose control, do you?
12:20Cos when you lose control...
12:21Talk to the hands, sister, cos the face ain't listening.
12:24Enjoy your tea, Vicky.
12:28One last day, one last pint.
12:32So, tell, joking aside, what does your fiancée do?
12:36Well, I tell you, the fantastic thing is, Steve.
12:39She's a barton... a berm, a berm.
12:43Erm, er, she ain't got a job.
12:45Erm, after this one, then.
12:47After this one, I'll leave.
12:49Terry, all the times you've been engaged before,
12:51you haven't had to stop drinking in here.
12:53Well, the other times, it was just, er, inflatulation.
12:56Pfft!
12:58But this time, it's the real Dr McCoy.
13:01I asked Silla to marry me,
13:03and she replied with those three little words,
13:05every man dreams of hearing.
13:08Go on, then.
13:12Oh, wee!
13:13Look at that!
13:14That is the woman I'm gonna marry.
13:16Terry!
13:18Er, are you all right, Ms Jackson?
13:21Fine.
13:22Really super.
13:23Look!
13:27These accounts are all over the place.
13:28According to this, you owe me £1,000.
13:30Now, I think I'm gonna have to do a rigorous stock check.
13:33You all right, Vicky?
13:34Ah!
13:35Satan!
13:36Where?
13:37Um...
13:38Er...
13:39The seller's this way.
13:41Oh, no, no, no, no.
13:43It's funny, isn't it?
13:46What is?
13:47What's what?
13:48Funny.
13:49Yes!
13:50Oh!
13:51So, are we gonna do the stock-taking, then?
13:52Yes.
13:53Let's stock-take.
13:54Take stock.
13:55I mean, what do we amount to?
13:57Really amount to?
13:58I'm 35.
13:59I've got a great deal.
14:00I've got a great deal.
14:01It's funny, isn't it?
14:02What is?
14:03What's what?
14:04Funny.
14:05Yes!
14:06So, are we gonna do the stock-taking, then?
14:07Yes.
14:08Let's stock-take.
14:09Take stock.
14:11I mean, what do we amount to?
14:12Really amount to.
14:15I'm 35.
14:17I've got a great job, a nice car, but...
14:22When I get home, I'm alone.
14:25Alone...
14:30Good.
14:35So, we've, er...
14:37We've got a crate of vodka here.
14:39Er, there's half a crate of gin.
14:40Gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin, gin.
14:45We're all out of whiskey at the moment.
14:47Ah!
14:48Ah!
14:49There are peas coming out of my face!
14:50Stop them!
14:51Stop the peas!
14:52Ah!
14:53Um, look, ah, Miss Jackson, Vicky, why not just have a nice lie down, eh?
15:02Oh, look at the floor.
15:03It's the ceiling!
15:04It's the ceiling!
15:05The ceiling!
15:06It's the ceiling!
15:07It's the ceiling!
15:08Um, excuse me.
15:10Ah!
15:13It's the ceiling!
15:14It's the ceiling!
15:15It's the ceiling!
15:16It's the ceiling!
15:17Hum.
15:18It's the ceiling!
15:19Excuse me?
15:20It's the ceiling!
15:21Ah!
15:22That's me!
15:23Hum!
15:24Hum!
15:25That's something a bit strange.
15:26Wait!
15:27Something's happening!
15:28Oh, no, it's a worm.
15:30Jesus, about the time I've got to go.
15:32Terry, you don't have to stop drinking in here just because you're engaged.
15:35I'm not going to, but I've got no need to come down here anymore
15:38if I'm getting free drinks at the Queen of Art.
15:42Oops-a-daisy.
15:44What?
15:45Didn't I say Camilla is a barmaid up at the Queen of Arts?
15:50Thompson's gaff. After all we've been through with him,
15:53what the bloody hell are you doing drinking up there?
15:56They've got a Tex-Mex, Gav.
15:58You have betrayed me, Terry Brooks.
16:00You're barred, and I mean it this time. Barred for life!
16:03You can't bar me, Gav, because I already barred myself.
16:06You can't bar yourself.
16:08And I'm not coming back.
16:09I wouldn't drink in this pub if it was the last pub on Earth.
16:13Actually, I would drink in this pub if it was the last pub on Earth,
16:16but it's unbinded to me.
16:17Oh, just get out, you rubbish!
16:18All right, don't worry. I'm going.
16:21I only ever drank in here because I felt sorry for you all.
16:25Look at you.
16:25You're pathetic. A load of freaks and spasmoids forced together
16:30because none of you have got anyone else.
16:34You're all so afraid of being alone
16:36that you're prepared to accept each other for company.
16:40You're the same!
16:41I used to be a long time ago
16:43before I went out into the world beyond this pub.
16:46Up to the pub under the flyover.
16:48Yes!
16:49And I like what I saw.
16:51It's a brave new world up there.
16:53An agadoo.
16:54It made me realise
16:57that every single one of you
16:59is scum.
17:02What, apart from you two, of course?
17:04Oh, yes, all three and the tigger.
17:10I'm going
17:11and I'm never ever
17:13going to drink in this pub again.
17:15Would you mind if I have a slice before I go?
17:20Oh, bastard.
17:21Yeah, but you've got to have a pint on the go.
17:23Rules is rules.
17:24Give us another pint, darling.
17:27Oi, oi, slopsie.
17:28Greg Thompson, what an unexpected pleasure.
17:31You celebrating, are you?
17:33Yeah.
17:33The Queen of Hearts won the Beaujolais Nouveau race again.
17:36Justice!
17:37Oh, no, I don't think so, Greg.
17:39I think you'll find that young Stephen here
17:40was actually back an entire hour ago.
17:42Oh, yeah?
17:451995.
17:47I've reported from the offie round the corner.
17:49Is that wrong?
17:52Anyway, look, I ain't got long.
17:54I'm going to go up town,
17:55watch a show, get a meal,
17:56and after that, who knows?
17:58Well, to be honest, I know.
18:00After that, it's going to be camoche!
18:02Six hours of no holes barred shagging.
18:04Oh, Greg!
18:06Anyway, look,
18:07I've come in here to warn you
18:08about some pervert
18:09that's been hanging around my boozer,
18:11harassing my waiting staff.
18:13I reckon he's that notorious train station flasher.
18:16Oh, will they never catch that criminal mastermind?
18:20You can eat your lunch off that, you rhino.
18:23Shame I finished mine.
18:24You got any more?
18:25That's him, Greg.
18:27Chlamydia.
18:28What are you doing here, my lovely...
18:31Oh!
18:32I like that, girl.
18:33Now, you keep away from her, Nancy.
18:35Hey.
18:35But she's my fiancée.
18:38No, I'm not.
18:40The first time he comes down the pub,
18:42he goes to me,
18:43you're beautiful, can I marry her?
18:45Well, that's right.
18:46And you said, go on, then.
18:48Yeah, but I was joking.
18:49I get that kind of banter all the time.
18:51But in law, they have to take your first answer.
18:54No, that's fact, hun.
18:56Yeah, that's right.
18:57In fact, don't they have to take your first answer.
19:00Oh!
19:01And believe me,
19:02you come near my pub or my waiting staff again,
19:04you're going to get a lot worse than that, nonce boy.
19:06But, Cistitis...
19:10Look...
19:11I've bought you a ring.
19:14Greg bought me a whole handful.
19:16Yeah.
19:16And later on,
19:17I'm going to be giving her a pearl necklace.
19:21You fool me.
19:23All right, Trey,
19:23well, let's get out of here.
19:27Oh, by the way,
19:28my name is Gail.
19:29Get out, you rubbish.
19:35Justice!
19:37Don't worry, Gail.
19:38I'm going.
19:39As soon as I can stand up,
19:40I'll be on me way.
19:41Can't you crawl?
19:42I suppose so.
19:43Look, I'll try and crawl.
19:46Oh.
19:46Oh.
19:52Gail.
19:53I want you to have this.
19:55Oh!
19:56There we are.
19:57I don't know what to say.
19:57I mean, my divorce isn't through yet.
20:02No, no.
20:03You can pawn it.
20:04You know,
20:05bail for Tony Harris.
20:06Oh.
20:07Tony, I'd forgotten all about him.
20:10Oh, all right, Terry.
20:11You're not barred anymore.
20:12I'm not.
20:13No, of course not.
20:14Oh, backer.
20:16I'm the kingdom of the freaks and spasmoids, Terry.
20:19You are the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
20:22That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
20:26Look at this.
20:27Who's Jackson?
20:28What the fuck?
20:29My clock.
20:29My blonky.
20:30Oh, do you have it back?
20:32No, no.
20:32Leave it on.
20:33Come on.
20:34It's the old people.
20:35I can't.
20:37It's been a year.
20:39Come on.
20:40Let's all get naked.
20:42Yes.
20:42I'm gay.
20:43You are the most beautiful man I've ever seen.
20:50Will you marry me?
20:52Oh, listen, darling.
20:54I've fallen for that joke already once this week.
20:58And to be honest,
20:59my necklace won't stand another disappointment.
21:03Come on.
21:04Let's all make love.
21:06Swepper.
21:06I knew I shouldn't have got rid of that condom.
21:09Miss Jackson, shouldn't you be leaving?
21:14Ooh.
21:16Wait.
21:17You owe me £1,000.
21:19Arseholes.
21:20Thank you, Spitz.
21:23Whoa, man.
21:25It's amazing.
21:27Debt paid in full.
21:29Mwah.
21:30Bye.
21:33Toy money was real.
21:36You see, it's an easy mistake that anyone could make.
21:42How much of that have you done?
21:44About four cups.
21:45It's quite more-ish.
21:46Why?
21:46No reason.
21:50Come on, grow my mushroom stool.
21:59I know you'll grow.
22:02I believe.
22:03I knew it would work.
22:21I'll deal with this.
22:46Eat it, Lesley.
22:51Suck into that!
23:16Come on.
23:17You're using a piano.