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00:00Gav! Gav! It's Terry! Gav, please! I need to talk, Gav! Gav! Gav, I ain't got no-one
00:19else to talk to you but you! Gav, let me in! Sign up, we're closed! Open the door, please!
00:28It's three o'clock in the morning, this pub is shut! Rules is rules! We're not having
00:32a 24-hour opening here! Back off, Brussels!
00:36Wait, Terry! Terry?
00:53Oh, Terry, you're soaked, mate! Thanks for pointing it out. I'd noticed
00:58you're a sarky bastard. Please, let me in. Oh, how can I resist those cute
01:03baby eyes? All right, then, just for a minute. Come on. Let's get you out of them wet things.
01:08Let's get you back into them wet things. Here. I'll towel you down, mate. Come on.
01:29Oh, I'll go get Gary's blanket. Oh. There you go. Thanks, Gav. Oh. Hold on, Terry. Aren't you
01:57a bard? Well, he doesn't seem likely. Yes, you are. You've done something to Gary. I'm
02:03sure of it. I was trying to turn him into that three-headed dog that guards hell. You know,
02:13like in Jason and the Astronauts. You know, to deter burglars. Get out! Don't bother me,
02:20Gav. Not today, of all days. What? Why? What's happened, Terry? I really need a drink, please. No,
02:25I'm sorry. I can't serve you alcohol. Rules is rules. It doesn't matter who you are. That's
02:31why I always keep a pair of boots behind the bar, just in case the Dalai Lama should pop
02:35in. Well, you know, I have to take my shoes off if I go into his temple. The least he can
02:40do is put on some when he comes in mine. It's all about respect. Give me a solid drink,
02:47you slaphead tosser. Just the one. No, I want whiskey. No, you don't. You don't like
03:01whiskey. No one likes it. No one. I do. No, you don't. I do. I like whiskey. No, plenty
03:07of people say they like whiskey, but no one actually likes it. Give me a whiskey. No, Terry,
03:12you won't drink it. Get me a pint. That's better. No, a pint of whiskey. You wouldn't,
03:19then. I don't know, Terry. Whiskey's disgusting, mate. It's foul. It's rancid petrol. I would
03:25sooner drink a skunk's piss than drink whiskey. And that's why it's Scotland's finest achievement.
03:32Whiskey keeps the beer flowing. Here you go.
03:42Oh, that is disgusting. Shame again.
03:53It's your funeral, mate. Well, I wish it was. What's the point?
04:01How do you mean? You know, what is the point in all this, being alive and that, eh?
04:06Well, we're all looking for answers, Tell. Some of us look for answers in religion.
04:10Others in poetry. Others look for their answers in an endless round of meaningless sexual encounters
04:15with nameless, faceless strangers.
04:20It's all right for some, isn't it? Others look for their answers in philosophy. But, you
04:24know, I think philosophy's overrated, mate. You know, there's that French philosophy, isn't
04:29there? That René Descartes. Now, he'd come along, he said that thing, didn't he?
04:32I think, therefore, I am. I think, therefore, I am. Yeah. But am what, exactly? Eh?
04:44Does he try hasn't finished it, has he? That... That am is sat on the end there with nothing
04:48to do. I'll tell him what he am. He am a dozy French tit who can't finish his sentences.
04:53That's what he am. It's no coincidence the French word for think is ponce, is it?
04:58My philosophy's simple, and it's this. I drink, therefore, I am drunk. Now, that may not be
05:07deep and meaningful, but at least it makes bloody sense. I'll drink to that. All the answers
05:13you'll ever need, Terry, are there in your hand. You see, an optimist, an optimist would
05:18look at that glass right now, wouldn't he, Tell, and he'd say that it was half empty.
05:22No, you've copped it up. You mean it's half full? Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, that's a pessimist,
05:29isn't it? He'd say it's half empty. But a pessimist, he didn't give a shit, does he? Because he's
05:32got five pints lined up at a bar, isn't he, God? Oh, no, I've done it again, haven't I?
05:38That's a piss-heart, this, not a pessimist. They're barely similar people in my experience.
05:45You don't think I'm dependent on alcohol, do you, God? No, Terry. No, I won't have that.
05:49I won't hear that. No, the alcohol is dependent on you. Yeah. Without you, I'd be trapped in
05:55this bottle for all eternity. That's right. You owe me!
06:06Debt, pay, and fault. Terry, let's go sit by the fire together, eh?
06:11Oh, thanks, Gar. You're my best mate, you know that. And it's not just because you've got
06:16a pub. You're a really great bloke, too. Oh, thanks, Till.
06:23Oh, look at that.
06:26You know, I love this place. I can come in here when I'm sad, and I can come in here when
06:32I'm happy, and I can come in here when I'm a hollow shell, devoid of emotion, but most
06:40of all, I'll come in here when I'm thirsty. Ah, it's beautiful. You know, the first time
06:46I ever come in here was back in 1963, it was. You was just a winkle in your old man's eye then.
06:54Whoever he was.
06:56Aye.
06:57Yeah, and ever since then, you know, this pub has always been here for me. I tried to church
07:03once, never again. It's not like this place. You have to sit there and listen to some old
07:10opinionated fool spouting out some ridiculously outdated idea. Yeah, well, we're very fortunate
07:16we don't have that sort of sermonology in here. Then when the house's up, all you get is one
07:22sip of bloody wine. I thought Christianity was all about generosity and no worldly goods. Then
07:30the sodding vicar doesn't even trust you enough to let go of the cup. And the little crown
07:37crisps they have there. Oh, I mean, you know how I feel about crisps, Gov.
07:42Oh, you love them, you, Terry. Yeah, I do. I love them, but these were disgusting, tasteless,
07:47stale. Had absolutely no body.
07:50Bloody Catholic conspiracy. Now, the church does offer a disappointing range of bar snacks,
07:55as it has to be said. I mean to say, if you was to have a wine in here, you'd be barred,
08:01obviously. It's a ladies' drink, obviously. No, no. What I mean is, if you were to have
08:05a wine in here, well, it wouldn't represent anything, would it? Nothing at all. It's just
08:09a drink. Yeah, it's true. If ever I'm in trouble, I can always find the answer here, at the bottom
08:18of my glass. Next question, please. Right.
08:33So what's happened to her? What are you doing here? I don't really want to talk about it.
08:37It's not bloody Miss Jackson, is it? You're not the secret father of her love child, are you?
08:43No, I wished. If I'd have shagged it, I'd have done more than brag about it, I'd have taken
08:48out a full-page ad in the Star. Goal! I assumed it was you.
08:56No, the thing is, I don't know, mate. I can't remember anything about that gay night.
08:59The whole thing's a blank out of me memory. Well, you'd remember if you did, eh?
09:03Mm. Release of all that back pressure build-up.
09:07Spanked up. It had been a year. Do you know who my money's on, eh? Who?
09:13The prof. You're the right flash bastard. It's always a quiet one.
09:24So what's happened, sir? Come on. I'm cold, Gar. Could you hold me?
09:30Oh.
09:43Oi, Janet! Jesus Christ, boyhood!
09:45Garth?
09:46What are you doing down here?
09:47Well, it was the man who asked you the same question.
09:49Well, I heard voices, and I thought there might be some burglars.
09:52I just came down to check there was nothing missing from the till.
09:56No, it all seems to be in there, thank goodness
10:00Good girl, Aussie, you see, bread for bar work
10:03It's instinct
10:04Instinct
10:07I'm proud of you, girl
10:10Yeah, thanks
10:11What are you two up to anyway?
10:14Hugging in front of a roaring fire?
10:16Am I interrupting something?
10:18Oh, no, no, it's nothing like that
10:20Terry's cold, that's all, never confused
10:23Yeah, but what's Gaspance doing here at this time of night?
10:28Yeah, what are you doing here this time of night?
10:31Well, I was passing on my way back from the hospital
10:34Oh, dear
10:35What did you accidentally sit on this time, eh?
10:39No, it's nothing like that, gov
10:42My God, Gaspance, what's wrong?
10:45No, I'm alright, you know
10:47I was visiting my old mum
10:49What's wrong with her, is it serious?
10:51She's dead
10:53Oh, right
10:54That's pretty serious
10:56Yeah
10:57My old mum died tonight
11:00Yes, man
11:05Oh, Terry
11:07Your mum better really be dead, Terry
11:14Oh, she is
11:16That's alright, then
11:18Terry, I'm so sorry this has happened to you, mate
11:22God, he's such a bastard
11:24He shouldn't have taken your old mum, mate
11:27No, he shouldn't
11:28He should have taken my bloody mother instead
11:30Curse you, God
11:32For making me this way
11:34I want to see the death certificate tomorrow
11:47I promise she's dead
11:50I wouldn't lie about that
11:52Alright, I'm sorry
11:53Are you feeling any better?
11:56Well, a little
11:57That'll be a bit longer, though
11:59Your dad isn't still alive, is he?
12:03No, he died of an heart attack when he was 45
12:06That's some relief
12:07At least this is a one-off
12:08Christ
12:10I'm an orphan
12:11I'm an orphan
12:13Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I was you, Terry
12:15Being an orphan isn't what it used to be
12:17In the old days, orphans were orphans who lived in orphanages
12:20They wouldn't put into care, were they?
12:22No, because no-one cared back then
12:24Better times
12:26That is a crumb of comfort to me
12:29You got any lunch left?
12:31Yeah, I'll get it
12:32Here you go, mate
12:45This'll keep you warm
12:46They use it in marathons
12:47Oh, get it off me
12:48Last time I was in a marathon
12:50I had an heart attack
12:51Yeah, sorry, mate
12:54I forgot about that
12:54Look, if it's any consolation, Terry
12:57Your mummy's in a better place now
13:00So's my mother
13:01Oh, is your mum dead too?
13:03No, she's in Australia
13:04She might as well be dead then
13:07I'd have more chance of contacting the dead with you in charge of the telephone
13:13Look, if Australia's so great, then why did you leave in the first place, eh?
13:16I wish I hadn't
13:17Give me my money and I'll go hang out
13:19Don't forget, my mum's just died
13:23Oh, sorry, Terry
13:25How are you feeling?
13:28Well, I don't really feel anything
13:30I feel numb
13:31You know, it's always been like this
13:34The only death that ever affected me was when old lady Dye died
13:39She was at Cannes
13:42She would never be forgotten
13:44It was a weird time, weren't it, eh?
13:49That week after she went
13:51It became like a competition to see who was the most upset person in the country
13:56Which really annoyed me
13:59It made me sick
14:00Because I was by far the most upset
14:02No-one was more upset than me
14:04I don't know how they even dare compete
14:06I remember you were upset, Terry
14:09I was inconceivable
14:11No-one loved lady Dye like me
14:15No-one
14:16Well, except her family, maybe
14:18No!
14:19No-one!
14:21I was so upset when I went to sign that book of remembrance down at old Kensington Palace
14:26All the other people were chatting and eating and going to the toilet
14:31Which I found inappropriate
14:33I stood there thinking about what lady Dye meant to me
14:3918 hours I waited in that queue
14:43Yeah
14:43By the time I got to the front I was tired and disorientated
14:50And I realised I hadn't thought about what I was going to write
14:54So what did you write, Terry?
14:57Well, you've got to understand I was disorientated
14:59So what did you write?
15:02Well, I had to think fast
15:03There were people in the queue behind me
15:05What did you write, Terry?
15:06Well, I didn't exactly write anything
15:09So what did you do?
15:12Well, I drew a picture
15:13A picture?
15:15Yeah, a picture
15:16Of a really big cock
15:19Well, it was a really good picture
15:28I was pleased with it
15:30But when I looked the second time
15:31I realised what I'd done might be
15:34Misconstrued?
15:35Yes, misconstrued
15:37Regarded as
15:38Inappropriate
15:40Yeah
15:41So what did you do next?
15:42Well, I had to think on my feet
15:43There were people behind me being impatient
15:45So I tried to change the picture
15:47To make it more acceptable
15:48So I drew some arms on it
15:50Arms?
15:54Yeah, so it looked like a snake
15:55But snakes don't have arms
16:01Well, I know that now, don't I?
16:05I'm not stupid
16:06I was all flustered
16:07Then I tried to change it
16:09To look like a picture
16:10Of Lady Di
16:11I've done a really good drawing, right?
16:15I got a write down
16:16And then when I looked at it again
16:19The whole thing, you know
16:20I realised
16:21That it was probably worse, if anything
16:23Then I had a really good idea
16:27Which luckily saved my beacon
16:29What I did
16:31And it's quite clever
16:32And ran away
16:34It was probably
16:37Yeah
16:37Got out of there before anybody noticed
16:39I felt quite guilty for a while
16:43But then I realised
16:45Lady Di
16:47Would have understood
16:49I'm not sure she would have, guess
16:53What's weird is
16:55I cried for Lady Di
16:57But I can't cry for me old mum
17:00The tears won't come
17:02But that's okay, Terry
17:03Yeah, Lady Di's death
17:05Is one of the only things
17:06It's alright for men to cry about
17:07That and being sent off
17:09For cheating
17:09During an important sporting occasion
17:11No, the only two things
17:13Men are allowed to cry over
17:14I mean, Lady Di's death
17:15Didn't really hit me
17:16Until my
17:17Until my wife left
17:18And took my little boy
17:21I'll tell you
17:23When they were walking out the door
17:24My son
17:26My boy
17:26He turns to me
17:27My flesh and blood
17:28And you know what he does
17:29He goes like this
17:31Piss off, Dad
17:32Piss off
17:35I said, no, son
17:38How dare you
17:39Speak to me
17:40Your father like that
17:41I brought you up properly
17:42Haven't I
17:43It's piss off, Dad
17:46I'm not at all
17:48And he turns to me
17:51And you know what he does
17:52It goes like this
17:54Piss off, Dad
17:57Like that
17:58And I was touched
18:01Because he'd shown me respect
18:04For the first time
18:06In this tiny little love
18:07Oh, mate
18:12Oi, get off him
18:14You're meant to be comforting me
18:16My mum's just bloody died
18:19Oh, oh
18:20This pain
18:22Never cease
18:23Oh, that's a bit better
18:27You know, I used to have a kangaroo
18:31No rat shit
18:32We had him since he was a joey
18:34His mother got killed on the highway
18:36So we had to raise him ourselves
18:37Using a pillowcase as a pouch
18:40How cute
18:41What is his name?
18:43Joey
18:43I get it
18:46Oh, you're really good at coming out with names
18:48Ain't you, Janet
18:49It was her idea to call that guy, Guy
18:52Joey was my best mate when I was growing up
18:55Oh, we had some adventures, I can tell you
18:57But then one day
18:59My little brother Damo fell in the creek
19:01Ho, ho
19:01I didn't let little Joey come up to you and go
19:03And he went
19:04What's that, Joey?
19:05Ah, Damo's falling in the creek
19:08Yeah, that's right
19:10Ah, well, we'd better go along and rescue him
19:11Quick, follow me
19:12Okay, let's do that
19:14Alright, is that what happened?
19:16Nah
19:16Oh
19:17That happens much less in Australia
19:19Than our TV shows would have, you believe
19:21What, Shane?
19:23No, no
19:23Well, Damo tried to use Joey as a life preserve
19:27And little Joey drowned
19:29Oh, Joey, no!
19:32But you see that
19:33Why?
19:34Why did you take Joey away?
19:36Oh, I'm sorry, Terry
19:37I didn't mean to upset you
19:39And I wasn't saying that your mother
19:41Isn't more important than a kangaroo
19:43Oh, she isn't
19:44Poor little Joey
19:46He was so young
19:47Isn't what helped me get through my grief
19:50Was remembering all the good times
19:52That me and Joey had had together
19:53Thanks a lot
19:55Now I'm upset about my mother and Joey
19:58How much grief can one man bear?
20:02No
20:03My point was
20:04What are your happy memories of your mother?
20:07I ain't got none
20:08Oh, come on
20:10There must be something
20:10No
20:12I only sat eyes on her for the first time tonight
20:15She gave me up for adoption
20:18When I was born
20:19I've spent my whole life trying to find her
20:23Apart from the time when I was drinking in here
20:26And tonight I finally tracked her down
20:31The doctor said if I'd have got there five minutes earlier
20:34She'd still be with us
20:36Oh, God
20:40Oh, I'm sorry, God
20:43I just remembered when I had paid that breath
20:47I know
20:50Oh, no
20:51Oh, Terry
20:53Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
20:57Oh, that's very nice of you, Janet
20:59But, um
21:00My mum's just died
21:02I don't think it would be appropriate
21:03Maybe in a couple of days
21:05I'm sorry you both had to see me like this
21:12Oh, don't be stupid, Terry
21:13I'm serious
21:15What I like about this place
21:17Is no-one ever sees the real me
21:20You're a master of disguise, all right, Terry
21:23We all are
21:25Yeah
21:26Yeah, we are
21:27Yeah, look
21:28I'll tell you what
21:29Tomorrow
21:30We'll pretend we never even had this conversation, yeah
21:33You'll come in, I'll say
21:34You're barred, yeah
21:35And then Janet will make an unfunny, filthy joke
21:37And I'll tell her to shut up
21:39And no-one will be any the wiser
21:41Oh, thanks, God
21:42But you'll need something to bar me for
21:44Oh, I suppose
21:45Gary!
21:51Come to Daddy
21:52Of course, Jesus was British, you know that, don't you, Prof
22:04Don't you, Dove?
22:06Of course he was
22:06The Bible's in English, innit?
22:09And St Paul, he was from London
22:11Nonsense, he was from Tarsus
22:13Yes, he was
22:14His cathedral's here
22:15St Peter, he got the place in Rome
22:17St John just got an ambulance
22:18St Michael
22:20A chain of flagging pant shops
22:22See, even saints can draw short straws
22:26Don't know
22:28Oi, Grandad, get out of it
22:30Oh, my
22:31Hello, Gov
22:33Hello, Janet
22:34Hold on, Terry
22:36Aren't you barred?
22:37Am I?
22:39Yeah, he is
22:40He tried to pass Gary off
22:41As the Hindu god
22:42Ganesh
22:43Oh, look at his pathetic floppy trunk
22:53It reminds me of my last boyfriend
22:55You know, he's caught
22:56Shut up, you're not funny
22:58Please let me stay, Gov
23:00I won't do it again
23:03All right then, Terry
23:05Just this once
23:08Oh, my
23:17Oh
23:18Oh
23:19Oh
23:24Oh
23:26Oh
23:26Oh
23:27Oh
23:36Oh