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00:00What? Get out! It's not Hockmoney, it's New Year!
00:20Son of! It's Scotland so great, what are you all doing down here then, eh?
00:30Bloody jocks! I don't know why they go so mad about New Year, it's not like they've got anything to celebrate, is it?
00:35Another year of being Scottish? Doesn't bear thinking about!
00:40Anything for a piss-up that lot. It's sad, innit?
00:48Another pipe, please, shall it?
00:50Anyway, New Year is an English festival, everyone knows that.
00:53How do you work that one out, Woolardhead?
00:55Gov, because we the English control time. We're the masters of time.
01:00The custodians of time. Time lords.
01:03Oh, grow up. England is the centre of the Earth.
01:07It is true that the Earth's meridian does pass through Greenwich in London.
01:10Thank you, Mr Data. It's a sign bloody tiffic fact.
01:13Yeah, and who put the line there in the first place?
01:15Er, well, we did. That's not the point!
01:18We the English are in charge of what time it is all over the world.
01:21If they want to know what time it is in Peking, they've got to know what time it is here first and do the bloody sums.
01:28No wonder they're so angry and confused.
01:31Exactly. The world wants to Greenwich meantime. GMT. Not Paris meantime. PMT.
01:36What? Imagine the chaos.
01:40I mean, what's the time difference with Australia, eh?
01:42We're 12 hours ahead.
01:4430 years behind, more like.
01:46I'll get it! I'll get it!
01:49Governor, you are a wag.
01:51Look at her face! It's a picture!
01:54Suck my fet one!
01:57What does she mean?
01:58For once, I genuinely have no idea.
02:02Of course, you, Pom, is the envy of the world when it comes to New Year's celebrations.
02:05I remember last year you tried to sit fire to a river.
02:08But amazingly, it didn't work!
02:10What a total surprise!
02:13I'm being sarcastic.
02:15Alright, I'll admit it.
02:16Last year's millennium celebrations certainly lacked a luster.
02:19No, we shouldn't have built a giant tent on the disused gasworks.
02:22No!
02:23We should have got that Lancaster bomber we still got, yeah?
02:26Dusted her down, built a fresh bouncing bomb
02:28and attacked the Thames barrier for old time's sake.
02:32Show the world who's boss again!
02:34Flood Peckham!
02:37The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few!
02:40Yeah, and then maybe, on his return journey,
02:42the pilot could have swung up the Seven River,
02:44taken out them two bridges and cut the Welsh off permanently.
02:49You can always dream!
02:51This New Year we're going to forget the gimmicks
02:53and get back to what New Year is all about.
02:55Getting pissed!
02:56Yeah!
02:58It's a festival of the fermented fettle,
03:00a bonanza of booze.
03:02An assembly of alcoholics.
03:03Janet, please, we do not call them that.
03:06We refer to them as the waking wet dreamers.
03:09I mean look at that!
03:10It's beautiful, isn't it Terry?
03:12It's like a shaft of summer sun caught in a crystal prison.
03:16It's the reason the good Lord gave us thumbs, innit?
03:20And look Terry, look!
03:21What?
03:22Look, there's even a bump there to tell you where to put your thumb
03:24for when you're really shit-faced.
03:26I'll see it!
03:27I'll see it!
03:28I'll see it!
03:29Oh, it's beautiful.
03:30Tell it all.
03:31Booze is a beautiful thing.
03:33It works its sweet alchemy that turns ordinary people into diamond geysers.
03:38It turns the ugly into the shaggable.
03:42Thank you God.
03:43That's why in this gap of New Year we have a low-key celebration.
03:47We don't need street parties or fireworks or millennium domes.
03:50No.
03:51As long as we've got each other.
03:54And the alcohol.
03:56Yeah.
03:57And the alcohol, obviously.
03:58Yeah.
03:59As long as I've got the alcohol I can do without you lot!
04:01Aw!
04:02What, you mean even on New Year these dipsos are the only people in the pub?
04:06But it's the one night of the year a barmaid's guarantee to get a root.
04:09It's a perk of the job.
04:11Like a minge benefit.
04:13Fuck!
04:17That was a joke!
04:19No!
04:20Minge benefit, like fringe benefit, but minge benefit.
04:24Benefits to my minge!
04:26Would you please stop!
04:27Stop saying that word!
04:30Minge!
04:31Yes, no!
04:32What is a minge?
04:33Stop saying minge!
04:36He said minge himself!
04:38Stop!
04:39No, I've said minge four times!
04:40No, I mean no offence guys, but at midnight I'd rather kiss a baboon's ass than any of you bludgers.
04:52I wouldn't do that if I was you.
04:54You'd think they'd like it, wouldn't you?
04:56But it really pisses them off, believe you me!
05:00So at midnight you're not gonna try and kiss me?
05:05No, of course not.
05:06Look, all those times I was going after you, it was only pulling your dick.
05:09You know, having a laugh.
05:11I thought you realised that.
05:12I don't really fancy you.
05:14Well that's good.
05:15Yeah.
05:16Why not?
05:17So, Terry, any New Year's resolutions?
05:21Yeah.
05:22I'm gonna give up drinking.
05:29Oh, it doesn't matter how many times Terry tells that joke, it's always funny.
05:35Any resolutions, Prof?
05:36To stop the killing.
05:38Oh.
05:39That's hard, Prof, innit, eh?
05:41Dedicated to world peace.
05:43But what could one man do, Prof?
05:45How much could one man struggle?
05:46Oh, you would be surprised.
05:50And how about you, Brandon?
05:52Well, when you get to my age, you think that every New Year is gonna be your last.
05:59This year, I just pray to God that it will be.
06:04This time next year, I'm gonna be a millionaire.
06:06Oh, yeah, right, Del Boy.
06:08You're never gonna amount to anything.
06:09Come on, Steve.
06:10You're as much use as an arseless man in an arse-kicking content.
06:15Yeah.
06:16Well, I know a story about a young man everyone thought was stupid.
06:19A young man who failed all his exams.
06:21A young man who his teachers actually wrote on one of his reports.
06:24He would never amount to anything.
06:26Do you know who that young man was?
06:29Was it you, Steve?
06:32No.
06:33It really sounds like you from the way you've described it.
06:37No, it wasn't.
06:38That young man's name was Albert Einstein.
06:42And did he amount to anything?
06:43It was Albert Einstein, Terry.
06:44Never heard of him.
06:45That old one of the sports quiz.
06:46I love him.
06:47He's not on it anymore.
06:48Forget it.
06:49So, what do you think 2001 holds for you, bud?
06:50Good.
06:51Well, if I could have one thing, it would be that my boy.
06:52My boy.
06:53My boy.
06:54My boy would have to come back to me.
06:55Daddy, where's my daddy?
06:56Son?
06:57No, that's Greg Thompson's son.
06:58You've got a scooter.
06:59Oh, yeah, mate.
07:00I'll go here for Christmas.
07:01I didn't get any pints this year.
07:02Daddy said it was because Santa hates me.
07:03Oh.
07:04Oh dear.
07:05Look, son, I want you to have this.
07:06Oi, son.
07:07My boy wants to come back to me.
07:09Daddy, where's my daddy?
07:11Son!
07:12No, that's Greg Thompson's son.
07:16You've got a scooter.
07:17Ah, yeah, mate. I got it for Christmas.
07:20I didn't get any pints this year.
07:22Daddy said it was because Santa hates me.
07:26Oh, dear.
07:29Look, son, I want you to have this.
07:32Oi, son.
07:33What have I told you to do when strange men give you things?
07:35Oh!
07:38Now take your scooter.
07:40I'm bored, I love you.
07:42All right, son, shut up. I'm talking and mind my ear.
07:46Right, now, listen up.
07:47I've got something rather special going on at the Queen of Arts tonight.
07:49You're all invited.
07:50That's very interesting, Greg, but I think you'll find we all spend New Year's Eve in here.
07:54Boys, oh! Boys, we all.
07:55Don't we?
07:56Yeah.
07:57Oh, dear, what a pity.
07:59So I've got a secret surprise celebrity guest turned up tonight.
08:02But if you're all staying here...
08:03Celebrity guest? What?
08:04Who is it?
08:05I can't tell you. It's a secret.
08:07Oh, go on. Tell us a secret.
08:09You'll have to come and find out, Grandad.
08:11Although logic dictates that the identity of a celebrity will be a disappointment,
08:15the secrecy involved makes the event almost irresistibly exciting.
08:19It's not Albert Einstein, is it?
08:21Who's that? What, the bald geezer of the sports quiz?
08:23He's not on it anymore!
08:25No, but you're close.
08:27Right, I'm going to give you a little clue.
08:29I'm cheeky, mate.
08:30It's not Cheeky Alan Supple, the impertinent host of TV's premiere late-night pub-based quiz show fact hunt.
08:37It's the window-cross one.
08:38Yes!
08:40Now, is anyone interested? Any takers?
08:43No.
08:44No.
08:48Anyone else?
08:49No.
08:50No.
08:50I will.
08:51Terry, you Judas!
08:53Not you, Nancy.
08:54Not after what you did to my barmaid.
08:55My lovely psychica.
08:57God, how long is her?
08:59Well, you're barred per life.
09:01All right, my cherry Danish.
09:03Happy New Year.
09:07You are feeling very sleepy.
09:10You are falling into my power.
09:13When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and no longer be a disgusting, pervade hinch.
09:21Yeah, nice one.
09:23Why don't you come up my gas, and later on I'll come up yours.
09:28Don't worry, tickets.
09:29I already got your pathetic anonymous invitation.
09:32Eh?
09:33I'll never set foot in your shithouse pub, so go stick a kookaburra where the sun don't shine.
09:38You're lost, darling.
09:39And don't forget, guys, I'm cheeky, mate.
09:44I'm cheeky, mate.
09:45I told you, mind my hair.
09:47Come on.
09:48Get your hand.
09:51Thanks for your loyalty, everyone.
09:54Oh.
09:54Um, is that the time?
09:56My mother.
09:59Tea on the table.
10:00Um, bye.
10:02I've got a library book that needs returning.
10:06I've got to go.
10:09I've got to go up there, Queen of Arse, to see Cheeky Alan Suttle.
10:13Damn it.
10:15You can't go, Terry.
10:17You're barred.
10:18Oh, no.
10:19And it's not like one of the Govs bar.
10:21When Greg bars, you can't even come in for a drink.
10:24Hey!
10:24But, unfortunately, for Greg Thompson, he doesn't realise I am a master of disguise.
10:32Goodbye, Terry Brooks.
10:35And hello, Telly Brooks.
10:37I am Greek.
10:42Not in my case, you ain't.
10:44Get out, you're barred!
10:47Queen of Arse.
10:48Here I come.
10:52Sorry, Gov.
10:53I've got to go.
10:54No, you can't, son.
10:55You're working tonight.
10:56But this ain't my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to meet Cheeky Alan Suttle.
11:00You go out that door.
11:02Don't you even think about coming back in again!
11:09Well, looks like you're my only chance of a New Year's pitch.
11:19Really?
11:22That was a joke.
11:26I know.
11:30Oh, my, it's more wonderful than I could possibly have imagined.
11:37It's so big!
11:38Look at the size of the bar.
11:40It's so clean.
11:41It smells like an alpine forest rather than of Terry's forest.
11:44Oh, give me a half an hour.
11:48Look at the upholstery.
11:50Built for comfort.
11:52Oh, my God.
11:53They've got Fat Hunt 2, the big hunt.
11:56And it's not out of order.
11:58Now, it's water-wool crumb there.
12:01Whoa, whoa.
12:03One of them's got to marry me.
12:05It's Laura Cabbages.
12:06Look!
12:07It's got hot nuts.
12:09So, why?
12:10Welcome, fellas.
12:11First drink spring.
12:13Whoa.
12:14This is the best pub ever.
12:16This is feral.
12:27I don't believe this.
12:28What's eating you?
12:30It's what's not eating me that's the problem.
12:35Oh, God.
12:37Yo.
12:38I spent last New Year on a beautiful golden Aussie beach in front of the clean blue ocean,
12:45eating shrimps off the barbie and making out with a six-foot-two lifeguard.
12:50Ooh, I blew his whistle that night, all right.
12:52Stop it.
12:54Yeah, well, look at me now.
12:56It's minus five degrees in this pissy, slushy shit-out of a country,
13:00and I'm stuck on my own in a dead-end pub,
13:02which even the sad losers who drink in here have abandoned,
13:05with a bullet-headed bastard who hasn't paid me a price reserve
13:08in all the months I've worked here.
13:09Do you think I'm happy about it?
13:13Hey, I am that bullet-headed bastard.
13:16I've just had the worst year of my life.
13:18I'm broke, I'm alone, and I miss my boy.
13:21And now all my so-called friends are bugging off to my worst enemy's pub.
13:24Oh, yeah, that's a perfect end to another sodding year in my so-called fucking life.
13:32And yes, before you ask, I am being sarcastic.
13:38Sorry, mate.
13:39I hadn't really thought of it like that.
13:44At least I'm still here.
13:46I won't be bloody do.
13:49Shut up, mate.
13:50There's no reason we can't make the most of this.
13:52You think?
13:53Yeah, no, up and far is.
13:54Look, I've got this bottle of Aussie moonshine.
13:58I've been saving it for a special occasion.
14:00It's made from fermented eucalyptus,
14:03and it gets you really wrecked.
14:05Plus, it's great for your sinuses.
14:08Yeah.
14:08Have a sweet.
14:10Bonza.
14:28Hot nuts.
14:30They're like normal nuts, but hot.
14:31It's amazing.
14:33Yeah, look at me, savage,
14:34between the two best-looking girls in the gap.
14:36Not for the first time, either.
14:39All the girls call me conga,
14:40and later on I'm going to show you both why.
14:42Because I've got a massive cock.
14:45Oi, Greg, when's you getting here?
14:47Who?
14:48Who? I'm cheeky, me.
14:50Be patient, fellas, get another round, do you know?
14:53So, we're getting love?
14:55I've gone, son, don't I know you?
14:56No, I don't think so.
14:58I am new in the area.
14:59I am a Greek.
15:00I can't see about that.
15:09All right, mate, my mistake, carry on.
15:10You're off.
15:17Cheers.
15:19You know, I love you, Aussies.
15:23We're Brit for bar work.
15:25Instinct.
15:27Instinct.
15:28Now, I like you, because you don't piss about, do you?
15:33I mean, I like what you've done with the English language.
15:35You've boiled it down to its barest bones.
15:37It's very impressive.
15:39I mean, you could say, good day, couldn't you?
15:42Good day.
15:44Good day.
15:45Yeah, exactly.
15:46But, instead, you say, good day, like that, don't you?
15:48Yeah?
15:49You save yourself a valuable split second.
15:51Extra time to loll about on a beach and do F all.
15:57And then you take that double O, don't you?
15:58And you save it up for using a ridiculous place name later on, like,
16:02Woola-Ronga-Doola-Ronga.
16:05That's very funny.
16:08Oh, oh, oh.
16:10No, this stuff ain't fair, but it does leave a nasty taste in the back of your mouth.
16:14Yeah, reminds me of my last boyfriend.
16:18Hey!
16:19I'll get it!
16:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
16:27Kiss a kiss, girl.
16:29Wait till midnight.
16:30Oh.
16:31Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
16:35It's paradise and El Dorito.
16:39This is the best pub I've ever drunk in.
16:42And we always drunk in here.
16:44I think so.
16:45I seem to remember somewhere else far away a long time ago.
16:49A dark place where the nuts were cold.
16:51So cold.
16:54No.
16:57I would knock those men off the fact hunt machine.
17:00Well, go for it.
17:01You remember when the prop won two quid on that?
17:05No.
17:06No, neither do I.
17:14Would you say my face is bean-like?
17:16No, mate.
17:18A bit, a bit beanish.
17:19Will you stop going on about your bloody face, Mike?
17:22It's New Year's Eve!
17:23Yeah, but...
17:24Look.
17:25The bird's been eyeing you up all night.
17:26Get in there.
17:27I'm not interested.
17:28You're not still pining about that Aussie barmaid from that shit-o up the road, are you?
17:33No.
17:35I hope she read my card.
17:36Look, forget about her.
17:38If you ain't gonna have a crack at it...
17:40I am.
17:42Let the mayhem commence.
17:46Let's play fact hunt with me.
17:49Cheeky Alan Sopple.
17:50I'm cheeky bean.
17:53He is, he is so cheeky.
17:56Oh, I wonder when he's getting it.
17:58So, er, you still seeing that cop on him?
18:02No, I gave him the flip.
18:05Well, to be honest with you, he dumped me.
18:07Why?
18:08Why would any man do such a thing?
18:09I don't know.
18:10Why did your wife leave you?
18:12You know, there isn't a single day I don't ask myself that question.
18:16Why?
18:17Why would anyone leave all this behind?
18:20Yeah, it's a mystery, all right.
18:23What is the most common name in the world?
18:26It's Kirstie.
18:27I know some right common girls called that.
18:30No, no, no.
18:30The answer is Mohammed.
18:31No, it's not.
18:32No, it's not.
18:33Correct.
18:36Nice one, Promo.
18:37Collect it.
18:39You have one, two pound, fist eight pence.
18:43I'm cheeky bean.
18:46Good on you, bruv.
18:47Big straw on you.
18:51Oh, it's finished.
18:53Oh, here.
18:54Why don't we have an Alka-pop?
18:59Isn't that a fruit-based drink for the lady?
19:02Strictly speaking.
19:03But the thing is, they're so delicious.
19:08And every now and again, dead of night, I'll pop down here and have a couple.
19:12Don't tell the boys.
19:13Ah, my lips are sealed.
19:22That'll be £24.30, please, for us.
19:25Right, come back, Mike.
19:36Bean-faced twat.
19:39All right, shut it.
19:40Ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment you've all been waiting for.
19:43It's time for our special celebrity guest.
19:45Cheesy Alan Supple.
19:50I'm cheesy, me.
19:53That's not cheeky Alan Supple.
19:56No, that's cheesy Alan Supple.
19:58He's a cheeky Alan Supple look-alike.
20:00I'm cheesy, I am.
20:02He doesn't look anything like him, or sound like him.
20:06You've hoodwinked us.
20:07I didn't say it was going to be the cheeky boy, did I?
20:10I've been so blind, but now I remember the pub where we drink.
20:15Yeah, it doesn't have a triv machine or bar girls on roller skates or sweet hot nuts,
20:20but it's got something more important than that.
20:24What's that?
20:25I don't know, but I'm sure I'll think of it on the way back there.
20:29Come on, gents, we're going home.
20:31I'm not.
20:33I want to promise.
20:34We'll see about that.
20:37You!
20:38You master of disguise!
20:40Go, get out, you bard, the lot of you!
20:42Go!
20:43And you four-eyed, move it!
20:45I'm cheesy!
20:45Go on, granddad, get out!
20:48Don't you ever come back in here!
20:51I'm cheesy, I am!
20:53That's not cheeky Alan Supple.
20:56Twatting Leslie!
20:59New Year, new start.
21:05Janet, there you are.
21:07Didn't you read my card?
21:09Huh, was that from you?
21:11No, it was from Guy Ritchie.
21:14When didn't you come?
21:15I don't know.
21:17Maybe it's because I didn't fancy kissing a giant head-sized bean.
21:20I'm not a vegetable.
21:26I'm a human being.
21:28No, you're a human being.
21:32Hey!
21:32Oh, you're going bad, girl.
21:35You're going good.
21:38You know, you're not such a bad-looking bastard in a suit and line.
21:42Oh, and you, a very attractive young lady.
21:47I would even think that, even if hadn't been a year.
21:49Oh, you silver-tongued charmer.
21:51Oh, it looks like I might be getting one of you special after all.
21:54Oh.
21:58Ta-da!
22:00Happy New Year!
22:03Happy New Year.
22:05Happy New Year, Jake.
22:07Yeah, when we first and then, for a second, it looked like you two were going to have a snog.
22:11Ha-ha-ha!
22:12Ha-ha-ha!
22:13Ha-ha-ha!
22:14That'll be ridiculous.
22:15The very odd here.
22:17Ugh.
22:18Imagine snogging the governor.
22:20Oh, I have.
22:23Happy New Year.
22:31Should old acquaintance be forgotten?
22:36Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
22:40Should old acquaintance be forgotten?
22:45Oh, old langsine!
22:49Oh, old langsine!
22:53Oh, oh, langsine!
23:02Oh, the size of old langsine!
23:07For old langsine!
23:09Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha