Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00You
00:19Cow
00:21Cow
00:25Can't eat targets, can I? Not eating targets, aren't I?
00:30I'm sorry
00:32Is something bothering you, bullied head?
00:34Cuff!
00:35It's bloody Ms Jackson from the brewery. She's never pulled a pint in her life.
00:39She says I'm not hitting projected sales targets.
00:42That's true.
00:43Crosby, shut your face!
00:46Argh! My old man's face!
00:49Sorry, Grandpa.
00:51If she wants to give me targets, then she should give me some targets worth hitting.
00:55Like our archers had in 1415 at the Battle of Agincourt.
00:59But I'll show her!
01:05Hmm, maybe not.
01:06Put this up, Mr Steve.
01:09You see, the problem with Ms Jackson and her cronies,
01:11is they don't know what real people want from a real night out, do they?
01:15Because they never think to ask them.
01:16They never think to listen to what they actually have to say.
01:20I mean, what do people really want from a night out, eh?
01:22Come on, Terry.
01:23Sex!
01:24Sex!
01:25Sex!
01:26No!
01:27You're wrong!
01:28Still, it's been a year!
01:30Ow!
01:31Ow!
01:32What they want is a right, good laugh.
01:34Yeah?
01:35Yeah?
01:36And so, step aside, Crosby.
01:37Free drinks for all customers over 80 years old.
01:43Now you're talking!
01:44No, no.
01:45Wait, wait.
01:46Read the small print.
01:47Provided they are accompanied by both parents.
01:51Ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:52Now that is funny.
01:54Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
01:55Now that is funny.
01:56Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:57I'll get it.
01:58I'll get it.
01:59Yes, good, innit?
02:00We're surprised by the landlord's initial generosity
02:02until our attention is drawn to the nullifying addendum.
02:04And thence the humour arises.
02:06That's not funny, poor kid.
02:09That's fucking shocking.
02:10No, no, no.
02:11Let me see.
02:12Anyone over 80, both their parents, will be dead.
02:15Ha, ha, ha, ha!
02:16It's hilarious!
02:17Oh, my lad!
02:19Oh, my lad!
02:20Papa!
02:21Why did you leave me?
02:23Stop out of it.
02:24It's just a joke.
02:25Well, it's not funny.
02:27I didn't fight in World War II.
02:30Admittedly.
02:33I had a bad foot and I couldn't go.
02:35But I know a lot of people who did fight,
02:38and I've had to listen to them going on about it endlessly
02:41for the past 55 years.
02:43So I think I deserve a bit of respect.
02:46Oh, I've got nothing but respect for you and your generation, Grandad.
02:49I mean, they didn't backpack around Europe when they was 18, did they?
02:53No!
02:54They destroyed Europe when they was 18.
02:57Yeah, and took a bloody good pop at Japan, too, while they was out here.
03:01For that, you deserve an ending gratitude.
03:03And maybe a generous government grant and go and give it another go.
03:07Yeah, you finish the job properly this time.
03:09Don't patronise me.
03:11If that stays up, I'm going to take my drinking money elsewhere.
03:15Oh, dear, what a pity. Never mind.
03:19I'll make you pay for this.
03:21You see if I don't.
03:23Oh, yeah, you and whose army, you stupid old git.
03:26Nice work, Stubblebonds.
03:28They're amusing signs doing wonders for business.
03:31They say, don't they, Janet, that in each and every one of us there's a book waiting to be written.
03:34Hmm?
03:35What's yours? The Bumper Book of Mouthy Cows?
03:45Accompanied by both parents.
03:47Oh!
03:48Oh, morning, bullet head.
03:52Gov.
03:54Well, your sign worked. The place is packed.
03:58I'm being sarcastic.
03:59Have some patience, love. Rome wasn't built in a day, was it?
04:03Though that was the builder's original estimate.
04:06Imagine that, being a builder and Italian.
04:09How unreliable can one person be?
04:13And after all this time, Rome still isn't finished.
04:16Well, have you seen that Coliseum?
04:18At least they haven't put the sodding windows in.
04:20Spivers!
04:22Oh, look!
04:23It's a friendly neighbourhood post run.
04:26Cheeky.
04:28Hey, Posty.
04:29Bet you like a laugh, don't you?
04:31Oh, yeah. I rarely stop.
04:33That's what I thought.
04:35Look at our new funny sign.
04:37Oh!
04:39Spare my aching sides.
04:41I know. I've been laughing all night.
04:43I love funny signs.
04:44Oh!
04:47Hello.
04:48Don't rack off your sarky cocky bean face no-hoper.
04:55Bean face?
04:56Yeah. You've got a face that's shaped like a bean.
05:02And what did you do that for? He's a great bloke.
05:05No, he isn't sherbet nuts. I don't like it.
05:08Sarky runs constantly ripping the piss out of you.
05:10And that's my job.
05:12That's just his way.
05:13He happens to be my best mate in the world.
05:15Yes.
05:16Now, that I won't argue with.
05:18Bill.
05:19Bill.
05:20Bill.
05:21Bill.
05:22Can't.
05:23Hit.
05:24Targets.
05:27Oh!
05:28Hello, sir.
05:30A new customer.
05:31We should like our free drinks, please.
05:33Eh?
05:34Free drinks for all customers over eight years old.
05:37We're accompanied by both parents.
05:40Yeah, yeah. That's very funny.
05:42Here's our paperwork.
05:43I think you'll find that's all in order.
05:45Come on, bullet head. They've got you fair and square.
05:51Such a display does constitute a legally binding contract.
05:55Thank you, Mr. Data.
05:57The engine and tonics, please. Large buns.
06:01That amusing sign's doing wonders for business.
06:04How? I'm not bothered.
06:05I can make a joke, but I can take a joke.
06:09After all, this is only going to be a one-half, innit?
06:11You see, the problem is these days, people live far too bloody long.
06:18Three score years and ten.
06:19That's your lot.
06:20Don't overstay your welcome.
06:23It's not natural.
06:25There's only so much life to go round, innit?
06:27For each and every one of you overdue bastards,
06:29there's some poor sod in his forties who's going to drop dead early.
06:33No offence, Terry.
06:36None taken.
06:37Yeah, where's a cold snap when you need one?
06:41You know, I'm thinking about it.
06:42I do forget to see the funny side in that sign.
06:45And I hope you'll still be laughing when there's no money left to pay you your wages.
06:49You never have paid me any wages.
06:50I'd leave at once, but I've got so much invested in this place.
06:54Steve, make yourself useful.
06:55Take that sign down.
06:56Yes, girl.
06:57Right away, girl.
06:59Yes, this looks like the place.
07:02Mama, quick, get rid of this.
07:04Okay.
07:06Algernon, is that you?
07:08Algernon?
07:09Algernon?
07:11Mother.
07:13Grandmapa.
07:14Grandpapa.
07:15What a pleasant surprise.
07:16Don't give me that.
07:17What are you doing here?
07:19I've told you never to come into places like this.
07:21Yes, but...
07:23Where does alcohol come from?
07:25The devil's winky.
07:27The devil's very winky, my boy.
07:31I wasn't drinking.
07:33I had just popped in to use the lavatory,
07:35but this gentleman said that the toilets are for patrons' use only,
07:39and so I'm just going.
07:41No, no, Prof.
07:42You can use the toilets.
07:43No, no, no, no, no, Governor.
07:45Stranger.
07:47I have no desire to stay in this den of iniquity for a moment long.
07:51What are you doing here, anyway?
07:53Never mind all that.
07:54Go to your room at once.
07:57That humorous sign's doing wonders for business.
08:01Three large gins and tonics, please.
08:03I thought alcohol came from the devil's...
08:06Whatchamacallit?
08:07Do you want a snack as well?
08:09No!
08:10Well, hurry up, then.
08:11Yes, Mum, at once, Mum.
08:13Gin it!
08:14I'd like a slow, comfortable screw, please, barkeep.
08:17I'm sorry, love.
08:18The only cocktails we do in here is snake bite.
08:20Who said I wanted a cocktail?
08:22Ah!
08:23Right!
08:25Don't mind me I'm terrible!
08:27Ha, ha, ha!
08:33Hey!
08:35No bloody shaggy!
08:36Hey, shaggy!
08:39Thanks, Boyle, sport.
08:41Uber.
08:41Wanker.
08:48Now, hi, man.
08:49This stops pace,
08:50or have I walked on a set of Michael Jackson's thriller?
08:53Greg Thompson?
08:54What an unexpected pleasure?
08:55There's more wrinklies in here than down the post office on Pensions Day.
08:58What'd you do?
08:59Tempt him in for little trailer biscuits?
09:01Oh, very funny.
09:03Laugh, everybody.
09:04Mr Thompson's witticism.
09:05Oh, you all right, there, my little puff pastry?
09:08You still here?
09:10I admire your staying power, darling.
09:12Oh, look, my tits!
09:14That's where I left them.
09:18I was wondering where they got to.
09:20Thanks for finding them for me tickets.
09:21Yeah, good one.
09:22You must be gutted.
09:24This place is doing better business than yours.
09:26Well, actually, this is the kind of custom I can do without.
09:28You see, I don't have wiped down seats in my gaff, if you get my drink.
09:32Hello, Anson.
09:33Oh, don't you piss off, Grandma.
09:35I bet you can't believe your eyes, eh, Greg?
09:38My gaff, a success.
09:40No, actually, slops, I can believe it.
09:42I mean, everywhere's going to be a success if you're giving out free drinks, eh, sir?
09:46Now, I admire you for that, slops.
09:48Giving something back to the old folk, even though you've got so little to give in every sense, eh?
09:52Yeah, you got me there, Greg.
09:55So that's why I borrowed one of the bar steward's minibuses for the poor and or nutty kiddies and shot down the local old folk's home.
10:01That's right, girls, bring them in, lovely jabbling.
10:05Come on, folks, in your own time.
10:07Free drinks, all on slops.
10:10You met my new kitchen hands.
10:12This is Annabella and this is Daniela.
10:14No, I'm Annabelle, Greg.
10:15And I'm Daniela.
10:16Oh, yeah, who gives a fuck, eh?
10:18You don't look at the name tag when you're removing the knickers, eh?
10:21Oh, Greg, you're awful.
10:22Yeah, I know.
10:23Those are the women I'm going to marry.
10:25Anyway, slops, we've got to be on our way.
10:28The girls are trained on the job, if you know what I mean.
10:30Later on, I'll be teaching them how to make a sandwich.
10:35OK?
10:37That jammy bastard.
10:38He gets the girls with dinner thrown in.
10:44All right, you'll get through this.
10:46I can't eat target.
10:48Oh, I can't eat target.
10:50What is the rest of saving me?
10:52I can't play his cruel tricks on the soul.
10:54Don't talk to me in here like this.
10:57It's not normal.
10:58No, it's never confused.
11:07Don't follow me.
11:08I'm too terrible.
11:10Get your coat, Steve, are you?
11:12Get away from me, you naughty old lady.
11:16Oh, sorry.
11:19I hope I'm not encroaching on your territory.
11:21Oh, no, I wish you were.
11:22Good on you.
11:23I hope when I'm your age, I've still got as much juice left in my papaya.
11:27What's wrong with you, Steve?
11:28You were in there.
11:29Terry, that's disgusting.
11:31She's old enough to be my grandmother's nanny.
11:34Don't knock it till you've tried it, mate.
11:38A mouth's a mouth.
11:40I'm not listening.
11:41I'm not listening.
11:41I'm not listening.
11:42I'm not listening.
11:43Open your mind, Stephen.
11:44Look at the choice.
11:45It's a regular borg.
11:47There's morgue of totty in here.
11:49Aren't bad at the pool.
11:52Terry, there isn't a woman in here under 80.
11:56To me, a woman's like a cheese.
11:58They get better the more they mature.
12:00Oh, good on you, Terry.
12:02But they're not really worth sampling until the blue vein starts showing forth.
12:11You curvoid.
12:12That's sick.
12:14No, you're the sick one, chummy.
12:15Getting older doesn't mean you don't want a bit of as your farmer.
12:19Isn't that right, love?
12:20Oh, no.
12:22Youngsters nowadays seem to think that when you reach 39,
12:27your genitals retract back up into your body and seize up.
12:32But that isn't so, is it, Eric?
12:35Well, a little, perhaps.
12:39But once you get the old engine running, eh?
12:43That's right.
12:43I've got my own that one.
12:47That is the woman I'm going to marry.
12:49That is the prof's mum.
12:51I don't care.
12:52He can never remember my name.
12:54It'll make it easier for him if he has to call me Dad.
13:00Hello, gorgeous.
13:01Are you after a smack?
13:03Now you're talking my language.
13:06You sons!
13:08That side was a joke!
13:09It was a joke!
13:10You're going to ruin me!
13:12Come on, haven't you got old people's homes to go to?
13:15You've had your fun.
13:16It's not funny anymore.
13:20Accompanied by both parents.
13:22Stephen Crosby, I thought I told you to take that sign down.
13:25It's all right.
13:26I'll do it.
13:26Uncle Barry, what are you doing here?
13:29Hello there, gov.
13:31It's a great shindy.
13:32We all appreciate it.
13:34It's a lovely gesture.
13:35I told you, no bloody singing!
13:43Come on, you evil bastards.
13:58Who was it that said only the good die young?
14:01Because they were writing a bloody button.
14:03Makes you wonder what Mother Teresa was secretly up to all that time.
14:07You hear that?
14:08If you're naughty, you get to live longer.
14:10Why don't you come round man and we can prolong our lives?
14:14Hardly seems worth it for an extra 20 seconds.
14:20Nice one!
14:21I don't get it.
14:22I don't get it.
14:23I can't get it down, gov.
14:25It's not often you hear a man say that.
14:29Oh, this drink's making me a bit tiddly.
14:32A man could take advantage of me.
14:35Ah, no, I couldn't.
14:38Still, it's been a year.
14:41No!
14:42Yeah, love.
14:43I wouldn't mind.
14:45Okay, I'm not that desperate.
14:51We're out vodka as well, gov.
14:53Oh, Jesus.
14:54Don't they know that sign was a joke?
14:57It was a bloody joke.
15:01Dear God.
15:03Sorry, me again.
15:05Look, I know, oh Lord, that one does not reach one's time until it is written in the great
15:11book of life.
15:13But look, I've got a job lot in here for you, mate.
15:15Come on.
15:16They're going to bloody ruin me.
15:17Take them off me hands.
15:18Please.
15:19Please, God.
15:19Just this once, mate.
15:21Just this once.
15:21Actually bloody do something.
15:24Please.
15:24Please.
15:25Anything.
15:25Anything.
15:27Oh, and any time you like with that car, very.
15:31Right.
15:32Psst.
15:33Janet.
15:34Hey, have you seen this place?
15:37We showed him good, didn't we?
15:39Thanks, girl.
15:39No whacking farries, mate.
15:40The great galah deserved it.
15:42What did you do?
15:43I rang that phoning radio station.
15:46All the old folk listened to it.
15:48They've been mentioning every half hour.
15:51Come on, you bastards.
15:53I'll take you all on.
15:54God, I'm going to be bloody ruined.
16:05Just like my dear old dad before me.
16:081979, he put his entire life savings into a venture called The Drive-In Pub.
16:15Then fashions changed and he was stuffed.
16:18I'm giving you a friendly warning, pal.
16:20The lady is with me.
16:22So back off.
16:22That's for her decide.
16:25I have decided.
16:26Now leave us alone.
16:29Like the world and the whole breeze
16:34Mother on the free
16:38Shut up!
16:41Oh, no.
16:44Shit for brains.
16:50Fact hunt.
16:51No, no.
16:52Fact hunt.
16:55Fact hunt.
16:56It's a trivia machine.
16:58Yes, well, I've been waiting for one of your repairmen for ten weeks now.
17:01Yes, well, you see, you do that because so far you've been absolute pants.
17:07Hello.
17:08Hello.
17:08Well, look at this place, governor.
17:12Steps back in amazement.
17:13Oh, I'm so sorry.
17:15I do it.
17:17This is amazing.
17:18You know, the Grey Brigade is a market we're very keen to exploit.
17:21I must pick your brain and see how you've managed it.
17:24Run a few ideas up the flagpole.
17:25You can run anything you like that my flagpole.
17:29Anything.
17:31Barry, is that you?
17:33Oh, Miss Jackson.
17:34What are you doing here?
17:35Who's looking after the swan?
17:37I'm just on my way.
17:41Cow, she's never pulled a pint in her life.
17:43Yeah, never pulled a pint in her life.
17:45I've had a great night.
17:47You're a good lad, really.
17:49Well, this is Pucker.
17:50I'm made up for you.
17:52You what?
17:52You and Steve and Jane.
17:54I'm called Janet.
17:56Oh, Janet.
17:57Yes, of course.
17:58What is my problem?
17:59That you're desperate and not getting it.
18:00I was talking about me, not you.
18:03Anyway, the really good news is that now you'll be able to pay me the money you owe the brewery.
18:06No, you don't understand, Miss Jackson.
18:09None of these people have paid for their drinks.
18:11Oh, come on, Governor.
18:12Do I look like I've got gullible written across my forehead?
18:15No.
18:15No, you don't understand.
18:16Look at the sign.
18:19Grosby!
18:27That's disgusting.
18:30Things are getting up, we've got to run out of supplies.
18:36Where's our fucking drinks?
18:38No, there's nothing left.
18:40You've got this drive.
18:41Don't believe that.
18:42Come on, let's trash the joint.
18:46Oh, come on, darling.
18:47Honestly, the moment I saw you, I knew the woman I was going to marry.
18:52Look, I warned you.
18:54Anytime.
18:57Look, I hate having to do this in front of a lady.
18:59But you've been asking for it.
19:01Oh, leave it, Cecil.
19:02He's not worth it.
19:04Eh?
19:06All right.
19:06Go on, kick him while he's down.
19:14Oh, there he is.
19:17My hero.
19:19How can I ever repay you?
19:21Well, I could do with a shag.
19:23So could I.
19:30Let's go to your place.
19:32Quick while my parents are not looking.
19:36Come on, darling.
19:38I'll take you home.
19:40I knew you'd come round.
19:42Well, it's the end of the evening and I've tried everybody else.
19:46I'm not proud.
19:48Don't mind me.
19:50I'm terrible.
19:50Woo!
20:00Do you like the new sign?
20:03I don't get it.
20:04Neither do I.
20:05I like the old sign.
20:07Accompanied by both parents.
20:08Well, well, well.
20:14Look at your face.
20:15It's a picture.
20:17Are you happy, Grandad?
20:18Are you?
20:19It's not what you've done.
20:20You brought me to my bloody knees.
20:21Oh, dear.
20:22What a pity.
20:23Never mind.
20:25Perhaps next time you fancy cheeking your elders and betters,
20:29you'll remember that revenge is a dish best served old.
20:34Good morning.
20:37Um, I wonder, did anyone see what happened to my mother?
20:40She didn't come home last night.
20:44That's most peculiar.
20:46That's a grand for the booze, another grand for the damages.
20:50It's coming out of your wages, Steve.
20:52Of course.
20:53And there's still that grand I owe bloody Ms Jackson.
20:55Don't forget our wages.
20:57Hmm.
20:58No, it's no good.
21:00I'm going to have to sell up.
21:01Excuse me.
21:03Not you.
21:04Bloody viriline.
21:05Shut up.
21:06The offer's over.
21:07No, no, no.
21:08We were here with our son last night.
21:10Yeah, I remember.
21:12He's the one to try and get up with a profs...
21:14No, nothing, mate.
21:16Nothing.
21:16I'm afraid to say that during the night he passed away.
21:20Oh, dear.
21:21What a pity.
21:21Never mind.
21:22I hope you're not after compensation.
21:24Oh, no.
21:26He had a great time here last night.
21:28Yeah, he made the most of it, the scrounge, huh?
21:30And when he passed away, he had such a lovely smile on his face.
21:37I bet he did the oversexed octogenarian tosspot.
21:40So, on his deathbed, he altered his will and left his life savings to you.
21:49He was a great man.
21:51And one that'll be sadly missed.
21:53So, how much are the life savings, eh?
21:55Four thousand pounds.
21:57Four thousand pounds?
21:59His whole life, his whole little man's 280 years?
22:02What the bloody hell's he doing with his time?
22:05He was the pub landlord.
22:08It's beautiful.
22:09I'm filling up.
22:11At last.
22:12But once in my life, I'm up.
22:14I'm up!
22:15Ha, ha, ha, ha!
22:17Ha, ha, ha!
22:19Hitting targets!
22:20Ha, ha!
22:21Lots of money!
22:22I suppose we couldn't trouble you for a couple more large G&Ts, could we?
22:27Of course you could.
22:28Please.
22:29Ten it?
22:30That'll be ten quid, please.
22:31Go up!
22:40We'll meet again
22:42Don't know where
22:45Don't know where
22:47But I know we'll meet again
22:51Some sunny day
22:53I told you!
22:59No bloody singing!
23:01Come on, get out of your bar!
23:04Holy crick!