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00:00Bitch! Cow! Slag!
00:23Is that supposed to be Miss Jackson from the brewery, Bullethead?
00:26Garth! I'll teach you to steal Tony Harris's job.
00:30I don't think it'll make much odds.
00:31That woman's had more than her fair share of little pricks.
00:35What, are you talking about the woman I'm going to marry?
00:38Yeah, right, and I've got a kangaroo stuck up me arse.
00:41I'm sorry to hear that. I had the same problem with an hamster once.
00:47How could the brewery make her their rep, eh?
00:49She's never pulled a pint in her life!
00:51Never pulled a pint in her life!
00:55She's a graduate trainee.
00:57All right, so she spent three years at college.
00:59Three years at university.
01:01What does she know about pubs and drinking?
01:04Well, that came out wrong.
01:06Now she insists on being called Muzz.
01:08You know that? Not Miss. Muzz!
01:10Cow!
01:12What's all this in a, doggy?
01:14Just training to be an acupuncturist at the doll hospital.
01:18Don't be ridiculous.
01:20This is voodoo.
01:22Voodoo?
01:22The primitive belief that anything done to a doll-like representation of a person will actually happen to that person in real life.
01:30Give it me, then!
01:31Oi!
01:32Oi!
01:32I've got a dart in me natchers.
01:38It was worth it, though.
01:40Where is she?
01:41The cow's supposed to be here any minute.
01:43She wants to talk to me about ideas she's got for theme night.
01:47Theme night!
01:48Theme night!
01:49The only theme a pub needs is beer.
01:52Yeah.
01:53Glass of white wine, fruit-based drink for the lady.
01:55Rules is rules.
01:56It's disgusting.
01:57The next thing you know, she'll be having me put garlic!
02:00Garlic!
02:01Garlic!
02:03In the Lancashire hot pot.
02:06It's not French, is it?
02:08It's not Lancashire Oopo, is it?
02:11There's no tiny hats on them hoes!
02:14You ponds are about as funny as thrush, and twice as irritating.
02:19Alice can't be eradicated with cranberry juice.
02:22What's she got against the thrush?
02:24It's always been my favourite songbird.
02:27Never mind, Grandad.
02:29Apart from you, Steve, I haven't got any problem with you taking up residency in my...
02:33Oh, tell her, Gov!
02:34I'm head barman.
02:35She must treat me with respect.
02:37Balls!
02:38It's Drew!
02:38No, come on, show us your balls.
02:39Get him out.
02:40Oh, get off of them!
02:41I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
02:42Oh, right, you're telling me you've got balls now.
02:45I met a girl like that in Thailand.
02:48I'm in charge out of the two of us, aren't I, Gov?
02:50Doesn't look like that for where I'm sitting, mate.
02:54She's only been here a week.
02:55I've been here five years.
02:57I'm her superior by the law of the top Trump.
03:01Jeez!
03:02You'd have lost your job last week if it hadn't been for me,
03:04you ungrateful but sexy little rascal.
03:08Get off!
03:08I'm not bothered.
03:09You'd have been doing me a favour.
03:10This is just temporary, until I find my true destiny.
03:14Oh, yeah, Stephen.
03:16What do you want to be when you go out, mate?
03:18Do you want to be an astronaut?
03:19Do you want to be a train driver?
03:21I always fancy being a gynaecologist.
03:24You know those guys get paid as well.
03:29Hold on a minute, Terry.
03:32Aren't you barred?
03:33Not I'm aware of, Gov.
03:35He certainly is, Gov.
03:36Last night he let off with a distress flare in the snug.
03:41He said it was a distress flare.
03:42He'd been in there 15 minutes.
03:44Maybe someone just lit a match.
03:46I wouldn't mind him so much if he hadn't strep the flare to poor Gary.
03:49I've been reading about a prize of a grand for the first manned British rocket in orbit.
03:55I was trying to make Gary the first dog in space.
03:58Ah, well, a dog has already been into space, actually.
04:02Namely, Laika, aboard Sputnik 2, launched on November 3rd, 1957, by the then-Soviet Union.
04:09Well, if I'd have known that, I wouldn't have attempted it, would I?
04:12This is the professor's fault for not telling me earlier.
04:15Agreed.
04:16Prop, you're barred.
04:17Blank up.
04:18Go on, get out, you rubbish.
04:19Never darken my door again.
04:21Get out, you nonch.
04:26Miss Jackson.
04:27Ah, Christ, I'm sorry.
04:29Look at that.
04:32Voodoo.
04:34Don't worry, I'm fine.
04:38Shaken but not stirred.
04:39No bones broken.
04:43Shine.
04:44Hello.
04:45Hello.
04:47Hello, Janice.
04:49Janet.
04:49Janet.
04:50No.
04:51You're Janet, I'm Miss Jackson.
04:54Janet Jackson.
04:58Right?
04:59Like the singer.
05:00Where's Michael?
05:04Oh, hello there.
05:06Oh, have you been to a fun fair?
05:08Stay away from there, for the love of God, don't make eye contact.
05:11Bring Chris.
05:11Bring Chris.
05:13Stay.
05:13Stay.
05:14One girl one.
05:15One girl one.
05:20Um, we've all had a lot of fun there.
05:24But, um, I come from Caesar bearing news.
05:28Huh?
05:28About Thackeray's first theme night.
05:30Oh, yeah.
05:32Now, about that, Miss Jackson.
05:34Oh, please call me Vicky.
05:35No, no.
05:36Ms Jackson.
05:37Well, Miss Jackson, then.
05:39No, no.
05:40Ms.
05:41I know what it's like nowadays.
05:43I call you Miss.
05:44Next thing I know, I'm up in front of Industrial Tribunal on the charge of sexual harassment.
05:49Back off, Brussels!
05:51Ms.
05:52It's fine by me.
05:54Look, I want you to think of me as one of your regulars.
05:57Oh.
05:58So you want us to think of you as a beer-soaked, manic-depressive, sexually impotent alcoholic?
06:02Jenny, please don't use the A-word in here.
06:06We call them the Unquenchables.
06:08Seriously, though, if anyone's got anything they want to talk to me about...
06:15What, anything?
06:16Anything about the pub, then, um, please feel free.
06:19I think it's very important to be hands-on.
06:21Me too.
06:23Oh!
06:25Sorry.
06:26Voodoo.
06:29Anywho, about the theme night, now, I'm really very excited about this.
06:33Next Monday, all the pubs in the Thackeray's chain will be having a gay night!
06:39A gay night?!
06:42Oh!
06:43Bugger me!
06:52No!
06:53It's fine for the fella!
07:03Oh, thank Christ!
07:07Still three days to go until G-Day!
07:11What am I going to do?
07:12Must think!
07:14Must think!
07:19Guinea pigs!
07:21They're used in so many experiments, you'd think they'd be more robust!
07:25Wow!
07:27That's fucking shocking!
07:29Sorry, Gov, I forgot.
07:30Never mind all that, Terry.
07:31You've got to help me get out of this gay night.
07:34No can do, Gov.
07:35I'm really looking forward to it.
07:36I'm bound to pull a bird.
07:39That is illogical.
07:40It is gay night.
07:41All of the women will be gay.
07:43The thing is, with gay nights, it's always chock-a-block with straight women.
07:47Really?
07:48Yeah, they see gay men as a challenge.
07:51They want to convert them.
07:53All I have to do is to pretend to be gay,
07:55and I won't be able to whack them off with a sticky brick.
07:59No, I could never let the thought into...
08:01Let's do it.
08:02It's been a year.
08:05No!
08:06Not in my gaff!
08:07Not never!
08:09Oh, what am I going to do?
08:12But, Bullethead...
08:13Gov?
08:14Why not just have the poxyganite?
08:16I don't want my pub full of those kind of...
08:20Of...
08:20Of...
08:21Of...
08:22Of poofs!
08:24Your chill will resound to the sound of the pink pound.
08:28You'll make more money than a prozzie with two...
08:31Accountants!
08:33Accountants!
08:33She said accountants!
08:35She said accountants.
08:37Think about it, girl.
08:38Monday nights are slow.
08:40Even for this place.
08:41You know, attendance is down 20%.
08:43Yes, that's the night I take my mother to line dancing.
08:48Exactly, Professor!
08:50Yes, ooh, she likes the hats.
08:52And the colours of the waistcoats moving from side to side.
08:55Of course, she can't really take part anymore.
08:58You know, with her leg.
08:59But...
09:00Oh, dear!
09:00What a pity!
09:01Never mind!
09:02Pretty much everybody has some kind of gay experience at some point in their lives.
09:07I haven't.
09:08I was never confused.
09:10I remember when I was at camp, there was this Italian girl, exchange student, and...
09:16And one night we...
09:20What?
09:22Carry on.
09:24What happened?
09:26Are you wankers getting off on this?
09:28Both of us, love.
09:30It's the way things are.
09:31It's the way no straight fella in the world will allow the thought into his mind of getting
09:36into bed with another fella and doing that fella business.
09:39He won't let that thought into his mind.
09:41Mainly for fear of actually liking the idea.
09:44If he's honest with himself.
09:45Exactly.
09:46No!
09:48Whereas to that same straight fella, the idea of two young ladies together...
09:52That's the way things are.
09:56You guys, you have trouble enough satisfying one woman at a time.
09:59What makes you think he could cope with two?
10:01Well, that's the beauty of it.
10:02When I'm done, they can finish each other off for me.
10:05A woman knows what a woman likes.
10:09And has the patience to see it through to its tedious conclusion.
10:12Would that turn you on, Steve?
10:17The idea of me with another woman?
10:20No.
10:21What turns me on is the idea of me with another woman.
10:25Who isn't you?
10:27Dan, it's right.
10:28They're all a bit ACDC, aren't we?
10:30Our swingometers can go either way, depending on the mood of the electorate.
10:35That is the beer talking.
10:37There is nothing in the world wrong with the occasional duel with the old pork swords.
10:43There's nothing wrong with it, no.
10:45Except that it is...
10:46Any port in a storm?
10:50It may have been a year.
10:52It's been a year.
10:53But my ship would remain at sea for a thousand years, rather than into that port to which
10:59you was referring.
11:02Regardless of the weather conditions.
11:03What's your problem?
11:06A mouth to mouth.
11:08And a moustache is a moustache.
11:11Your wife had a moustache.
11:12That's not the point!
11:15I used to work in a gay bar in Melbourne.
11:17Oh, do they have the gays in Australia?
11:19You don't see that on the neighbours.
11:22I'm all in special colonies in the Outback.
11:24Ah, that country's got some things right, I tell you.
11:27It was the best bar I ever worked in.
11:30Great atmosphere.
11:31No drunk blokes making passes at you.
11:33Worst luck.
11:34Those gay guys were such spunks.
11:36Yeah, well, you are what you eat.
11:42They were such fun.
11:44They always used to dress in those amazing extravagant costumes.
11:47Yeah, why is that with the gays?
11:49And the fancy dress?
11:51I mean, why is that gay?
11:53I think it's the code, Gov.
11:55They used to wear an earring, didn't they?
11:56So the gays could spot one another.
11:58Yeah?
11:58Yeah?
11:58An earring.
11:59And then, of course, there was a misunderstanding with a pirate.
12:02And they had to switch to something else.
12:03A brightly coloured handkerchief in the back pocket.
12:07Yeah?
12:08And, of course, they start to try and outdo each other.
12:10More and more extravagant handkerchiefs.
12:12One thing leads to another.
12:13Next thing you know, it's the full Indian headdress.
12:15Or they're a G.I.
12:18Or a construction worker or a traffic cop.
12:21I mean, you know, normally a village only has the one idiot.
12:25That's why I'm a phobia, slaphead.
12:27And it is a phobia.
12:28You're afraid.
12:29Well, I think a gay night sounds like fun.
12:33A whole night where folk can forget their worries and be as gay as they please.
12:38Yeah, granted.
12:40I think you're using the word gay in its old-fashioned sense.
12:44I can assure you I am not.
12:50Oh, Christ!
12:52Oh, Jesus!
13:11Oh, I was never confused.
13:16I know the difference.
13:17I was 12.
13:18It was a crash.
13:21He was captain of the football team.
13:23We all admire that.
13:25Beautiful mop of blonde hair.
13:27Blue eyes you could dive into.
13:29I've forgotten my shorts!
13:33I was never confused.
13:35Look!
13:35What are you doing in here?
13:38I thought you were being murdered.
13:39Oh, I was worse than that, love.
13:41Christ!
13:42Here, you can't come in here.
13:44This is my inner sanctum.
13:45Yeah.
13:46There's nothing worse than someone trying to come in your sanctum.
13:51Stop it, please!
13:54What are you doing up at this hour, anyway?
13:56I've been cleaning that hedgehog off the roof of the snug.
13:59I told gaspents he might have more luck
14:00if he tried launching his rockets outside.
14:03Yeah, but that's our Terry, innit?
14:05He won't be told.
14:06He's stubborn, but he's stupid.
14:10Oh, is that your wife?
14:12Er...
14:13Yes.
14:16Yes, it is, yeah.
14:17Oh.
14:18She looks very...
14:20clean.
14:21Yeah.
14:22I know.
14:23When they were handing out good looks,
14:24she was in the queue for nasal hair getting seconds.
14:29You remind me of her, actually.
14:31Oh, thanks a lot.
14:32I'm deeply touched.
14:33I'm being sarcastic.
14:35No, no.
14:36I mean, it's nice to have a woman around the place.
14:38I mean, not in my bedroom.
14:39No.
14:39You know, a woman's touch.
14:40No!
14:41I mean, you know...
14:41Yeah, it's all right.
14:43Don't sweat it, mate.
14:44I get you.
14:45I miss my boy, that's all.
14:47I'm so alone.
14:49Oh, thanks.
14:55What am I going to do?
14:57That's what I was wondering.
14:59No, Christ, my boy.
15:01No, I mean, you know, about this gay night.
15:03I mean, I'm a good-looking man.
15:04Position of authority.
15:07Distinctive uniform.
15:07The gays won't be able to help themselves.
15:11I mean, they're only human underneath it all.
15:14I mean, how am I going to keep temptation out of my reach?
15:18Their reach?
15:19Yeah, their reach, yeah.
15:22Why not lock yourself up in here all night?
15:24I'll take care of the pub.
15:26You sure?
15:26Yeah.
15:27If I step out of line,
15:28I'm sure Steve-O can lick me into shape
15:30if you catch my drift off.
15:31You know, he can perform...
15:33Leave it!
15:36I'll go to bed.
15:55Are you sure you'll be all right, Steve?
15:58So young.
16:01So pretty.
16:02All those flamboyant gays
16:04with their silver tongues.
16:07I'm not so sure their tongues are silver.
16:12Don't worry, I'll look after him.
16:14I think I'd rather take my chances with the men.
16:18I'd best be off them.
16:22You know, it wouldn't do to be here
16:23when the gays arrived.
16:25Mmm.
16:27Never confused.
16:31Oh, look, there's an ashtray there
16:33that needs cleaning.
16:34Er, I'll do that for you.
16:36No, no, it's all right.
16:37I'll...
16:38Look, you'd better get upstairs.
16:40They'll be here any minute.
16:44All right, then.
16:49Night-night.
16:50What a closet case.
16:59I've, er, forgotten.
17:01I've forgotten something.
17:03That beer towel.
17:04Yeah.
17:06Forgotten it.
17:07Ta-da!
17:35Ta-da!
17:35Ta-da!
17:35Ta-da!
17:35Ta-da!
17:35Ta-da!
17:37All right, guys.
17:39I'm gay for the night.
17:41Bring on the women.
17:42Oh.
17:44Terry, gay nights never really attract straight women.
17:48They only attract gay men, gay women,
17:51and straight men pretending to be gay men
17:53in the mistaken belief that the place
17:54is going to be full of straight women
17:55looking to convert gay men.
17:58Oh, well.
17:59A mouth's a mouth.
18:02It's a bit close to gas pants tonight, Steve.
18:04No-one's going to go within 20 feet of that arse.
18:15Look, I've got a backup plan.
18:19Voodoo.
18:20Is that meant to be you, Terry?
18:21Oh, and look, it's completely anatomically correct.
18:28Whatever happens to these dolls will happen here tonight.
18:32Do not dabble in the black hearts.
18:35Mark my words, it will end in devastation and fear.
18:39You know not what power you may unleash.
18:44Don't worry, Pops.
18:46I know what I'm doing.
18:47Miss Jackson will walk through that door
18:50any moment now.
18:52It's excellent.
19:04All the pub's a chock-a-block.
19:06I told you.
19:07Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
19:10The gay community is so extravagant and exuberant,
19:13so real.
19:13The whole thing's been a total success.
19:15What a shame, Vicky.
19:18No-one turned up for your shit-ass gay night.
19:20I did.
19:23I don't understand it.
19:25Mother had to miss her line dancing, too.
19:28All the other pub's a chock-a-block.
19:30Come to Daddy.
19:32Luckily, there was a Western on the television.
19:34I don't think she noticed the difference.
19:37Hello, Vicky.
19:38Hello.
19:39I just want you to know I'm gay.
19:43Well, that's excellent.
19:44Well done.
19:46Do you fancy trying to convert me?
19:50No.
19:51We'll see about that.
20:01I don't understand it.
20:03Why isn't it working?
20:05Well, things to do, people to see.
20:07I've got a dot-dot-dash.
20:08Wait!
20:09I want to send you into orbit.
20:14Look at my love rocket.
20:23That's a far work.
20:25Ah!
20:25What are you up to, Dad, man?
20:42What sick games are they playing with each other?
20:45Oh, I can only imagine.
20:47I was never confused.
20:53Dad, look what you've done.
21:00Ow!
21:02Help!
21:03It hurts!
21:04Oh, what the animal's doing to him now.
21:07Yeah, but for the grace of God go I.
21:09Oh, straddle!
21:11What's that?
21:12I want fire!
21:13You're a fire, you over.
21:15Oh, what the fain is.
21:17Garth, get down here.
21:19We need an extra pair of hands.
21:21Get to, Terry.
21:22Dost thou betray me with a kiss?
21:31Come on, sir.
21:32I need to get in there.
21:33I've got a fire down below.
21:35I know you have, you beast.
21:37Well, I'm not going to be the one to stoke it for you.
21:39Come on, guys.
21:45God, you're desperate, aren't you?
21:47What's wrong with you?
21:49All right.
21:50All right.
21:51I'm prepared to give it a go.
21:53I don't think I'm ready for the rough stuff here.
21:56That might make it a bit easier.
22:06Thanks for that, fellas.
22:10You really saved up a bacon there.
22:12Though the salt and vinegar are write-offs.
22:16My crisp.
22:17My beautiful crisp.
22:22I warned you.
22:24You are cursed.
22:25Cursed!
22:26Oh, look at your dirty yellow helmet.
22:29Reminds me of my last boyfriend.
22:33Yeah, look.
22:34I'm sorry about earlier on.
22:35As you know, I sleep very heavily
22:37and I was having the most disturbing dream.
22:39Oh, I know, sir.
22:40You explained.
22:41Yeah, and sometimes when I'm dreaming,
22:42I talk in my sleep and walk around
22:45and look like I'm awake.
22:47Yeah.
22:48And you take down your pyjama bottoms.
22:53Occasionally.
22:54Yes.
22:55Yes.
22:55Well, we best be on our way.
22:58It's only 10.30, Simon.
23:00If we rush, we can catch the last owners
23:02of that pub by the flyover.
23:03We're having a bit of a special night tonight.
23:06We might all enjoy it.
23:07Yeah.
23:08Exactly.
23:08We're having a bit of a special night.
23:09We're having a bit of a special night.
23:09We're having a bit of a special night.
23:10We're having a bit of a special night.
23:11We're having a bit of a special night.
23:12We're having a bit of a special night.
23:13We're having a bit of a special night.
23:14We're having a bit of a special night.
23:15We're having a bit of a special night.
23:16We're having a bit of a special night.
23:17We're having a bit of a special night.
23:18We're having a bit of a special night.
23:19We're having a bit of a special night.
23:20We're having a bit of a special night.
23:21We're having a bit of a special night.
23:22We're having a bit of a special night.
23:23We're having a bit of a special night.
23:24We're having a bit of a special night.