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00:00All I'm saying, Prof, all I'm saying, all I'm saying is that the French, the French,
00:24the French, are right to something.
00:26They cannot be trusted.
00:27Agreed.
00:28They haven't had a war with us for nearly 200 years.
00:31That in itself is suspicious.
00:33Definitely fishy.
00:35They're up to something.
00:36They're saucy.
00:40Saucy.
00:41They actually see sex as something to enjoy, not mutter and snigger about.
00:46Perverts.
00:47It's been a year.
00:48They're up to something.
00:49They don't have their own word for weekend.
00:53Lure weekend.
00:55They're not fooling anyone.
00:56Lure weekend, yes.
00:58Yeah, yeah.
00:58They're all wearing berets on, ain't they, Prof?
01:00What are those things?
01:01They're bomb casings, aren't they?
01:03That piece of string on top's a fuse.
01:05It's staring you in the face.
01:06Yes.
01:07Yes.
01:07They're up to something, aren't they?
01:08Yeah.
01:08The entire place is booby-trapped.
01:10Rigged to explode.
01:12None of the plugs are earthed, are they?
01:15Yeah.
01:15With air plumbing, they're taking a terrible risk.
01:17Yeah, exactly.
01:18Yeah.
01:21Yeah, they've got an arc to triumph and they've never won a bloody thing.
01:25You're not going to tell me, Prof.
01:26They built that 150 years ago on the off-chance of World Cup Euro 2000 doubles.
01:31Bastards.
01:33They got a foreign legion.
01:34They are foreign.
01:37Yeah.
01:38Exactly.
01:39What is the point they're making?
01:41So, Prof, what I'm saying here is no, I have no interest whatsoever in seeing your mum's
01:47eminent course society perform Verdi's bloody Requiem.
01:50But Verdi is not French.
01:53He is Italian.
01:56Yeah.
01:56Well, Italians are the French.
01:58They're in better clothing and slightly warmer and further away from us, so it's harder
02:04to keep them in check.
02:06That was Miss Jackson on the phone.
02:09Apparently, some of her pubs have been having a spot of bother with vandals and we're to
02:13give her a call for help if they show up here.
02:15Help?
02:16From that woman?
02:17She's never put a point in life.
02:19Steve, I've been in this game long enough to know how to deal with these sort of troublemakers.
02:23They're mouthy, cocky cows.
02:24You have to stand up to them and they back off in any confrontation.
02:27Oh, pull his head.
02:28I want words with you, you hairless gonads.
02:29Oh, is that the time?
02:30I have to get down to cash and carry.
02:32No, you don't, you great galah.
02:33Where's my money?
02:34I'd love to stop and chat, sweet hop.
02:35I've got to get down to cash and carry.
02:37We're nearly out of crisps.
02:38Out of crisps?
02:40Nah, I hoped I would never hear those words.
02:42Steve, give me all the crisps you've got left.
02:44I love crisps, me.
02:46This stingy dunderhead hasn't paid me for three whole weeks.
02:49Every day for the last fortnight, you have promised me on your boy's life.
02:53My boy?
02:54I'll miss you, men.
02:55Then I will get paid tomorrow.
02:58Oh, and yes, it's true, darling.
03:00I will pay you.
03:01Tomorrow.
03:03Oh, delicious iron, Ian.
03:05Don't crack the shit with me.
03:08This is unreal, mate.
03:09It's fucking shocking.
03:10Ah, tell me about it.
03:11I've worked here for five years.
03:13I look good for £4,000.
03:17Steve, that's coming out of your wages.
03:19Can't you get it?
03:21I only took this job so I could save up for my ticket back to Oz.
03:24I've been travelling for 18 months.
03:27I just want to get back home, see my folks.
03:30My mum, dad, my dog, Bluey, my old gran.
03:34She's been calling out my name every time she drifts into consciousness.
03:37And you'd understand what that was like if you've ever had anyone you love far, far away.
03:44What a heart-rending plea.
03:47I'm filled with symphony.
03:51Look at her face.
03:52It's a picture.
03:54Oh, dear, what a pity.
03:56Never mind.
03:58I wasn't born yesterday, love, so you can wipe away your crocodile dundee tears.
04:03Just give him a flaming money, you mongrel.
04:06Don't worry, love.
04:07I'll buy your air ticket home.
04:09You will?
04:10Course I will.
04:11If you marry me.
04:12Mmm, what a tempting offer.
04:18But on balance, I think I'd rather rim a rhino.
04:22I don't mind.
04:23We can have an open marriage.
04:25As long as I can watch.
04:28Hold on, Terry.
04:30Aren't you barred?
04:32Not in our remember, gov.
04:33Yes, he is.
04:34He stole one of your wife's dresses from upstairs and put it on Gary.
04:42The likeness is uncanny.
04:45Although your wife did have more facial hair.
04:47I was trying to help Gary get in touch with his, uh, feminine side.
04:52He doesn't need to.
04:53Gary was never confused.
04:56Don't change the subject.
04:58If I don't get paid soon, I'll be shooting off quicker than a monk at an orgy.
05:02There's the door fryer, Tuck.
05:04If I leave now, I won't get paid for the work I've already done.
05:07Ooh, yes.
05:08That thought would never cross my mind.
05:10If I carry on working, the chances are you'll never pay me.
05:13It's a crotch 22 situation, all right?
05:18I will pay you, sweetheart, as soon as he's humanly.
05:21It's just, I've got a bit of a cash flow problem at the moment.
05:23Right, that's, uh, £337.42, Terry.
05:28My crisps!
05:29My beautiful crisps!
05:31The only problem you've got is that you're as tight as a mozzie's muck.
05:36What?
05:36You know, Annette's nasty.
05:38I blow his bush.
05:39I fly his foo-foo.
05:41A wasp's wending.
05:43A small insect's vagina.
05:45Vaginas?
05:47Official language is Mandarin.
05:49You know that?
05:50Mandarin.
05:51Well, what's that going to do with anything?
05:53I want to know about the wasp's wending.
05:57Is there no one man enough to stand up to this peanut-headed bully?
06:01Steve, let us rise up together against our common oppressor.
06:17Well, I could see both sides.
06:20Stephen?
06:22I'm off.
06:23I'd like to leave you in charge.
06:24Me?
06:26In charge?
06:28I don't know what to say.
06:30Say yes, Steve.
06:31Say yes.
06:32Yes.
06:33With all my heart, yes.
06:36I could go off you, Steve-o.
06:38I really could.
06:39That's what I want.
06:41Divide and rule.
06:43It's the Great British Way.
06:44And, Steve, don't break my pub.
06:47It's in safe hands.
06:51Don't worry.
06:52I'll take it out of my wages.
06:59Ah-ah!
07:01Look at Steve at the helm.
07:04King of the castle.
07:07Numero one-o.
07:09The Ed Poncho.
07:10Don't worry.
07:11Although I'm now in a position of power,
07:13I will not forget you.
07:15The little people.
07:16Who helped me get where I am today.
07:19Janet.
07:20Clean the jetties.
07:21Go stick an echidna up your arse.
07:23Well, I might if I knew what an echidna was.
07:26Ah, well.
07:27An echidna is a spiny, burrowing monotreme
07:30native to Australasia.
07:32Help me out, prof.
07:33Oh, Stephen.
07:35It's a cross between an anteater and a hedgehog.
07:38Oh, I don't want one of them up where the sun don't shine.
07:42I wouldn't mind.
07:46See?
07:49Told you the baldy pub Gaylord had gone.
07:51Sorry, lads.
07:52You have to be 18 to come in here.
07:54Piss off, you lanky freak.
07:57I'm going to let you off with that this time.
07:59Let you off with a friendly warning.
08:01And I hope you respect me for that.
08:03For my fairness.
08:05Yeah, yeah, whatever.
08:09You're not allowed in here.
08:11Giznoko Popcast.
08:12Here.
08:16But our fingers.
08:18Janet!
08:19Janet!
08:20Did someone say something?
08:21I wouldn't do that if you attach any sentimental value to your testicles.
08:36Look, come.
08:38Have you no respect for other people's property?
08:41Tessie!
08:46Now she's cashback.
08:49Tessie, you've interrupted my reading, you bum fluff joeys!
08:52Oh, it's alright, darling.
08:54I'll deal with this.
08:56Come on, you to-regs.
08:57I'll take you all.
08:58What a freak.
09:11Look at her, stupid Garfield.
09:14Twat him, Leslie.
09:28Eleven and a half thousand pounds?
09:40I'm going to have to do some overtime.
09:45My crisps, just in the nick of time.
09:49Jerry, what happened to you?
09:51Do you want to see the other bloke?
09:52My path, my beautiful path.
09:59Is now a bad time to mention that I still want pain?
10:02It could be worse.
10:04Oh, I'd like to see how.
10:05Oi, slouch!
10:07I'm going to have your guts for garters.
10:09And I don't even wear garters.
10:11I'm going to get your guts, I'm going to make a bunch of garters and I'm going to chuck them away.
10:14Greg Thompson!
10:16Greg Thompson, Greg Thompson.
10:18Greg Thompson?
10:19Greg Thompson?
10:19No, it's Greg Thompson.
10:24It's him, isn't it?
10:25No, I'm Terry, you prick.
10:28Greg, what an hunnick's been in pleasure.
10:30Don't give me all that, slobs, now.
10:31What in the name of arse have you done to my nephew?
10:35Well, get in there, boy.
10:38I don't even know you allowed him in here.
10:39He's only 14.
10:41I needed the toilet, Uncle Greg.
10:42I didn't know what to do.
10:43Carrie, none of this is your fault.
10:45Now, what's been occurring here, slobs?
10:46Who's the Richard Head?
10:48He's the governor of the big pub up by the flyover.
10:51The Cock and Beaver.
10:53Oh.
10:56That's a bonzer name.
10:58The C&B is the main local competition for this place.
11:01And most nights, it wins that competition by about 300 to 5.
11:06No, slobs!
11:07You listen to me now.
11:08Why does he call him slobs?
11:09I am not a happy bunny.
11:13You see, Carrie here is family.
11:14Family!
11:15There is nothing more important to me than my family.
11:19You remember what happened to that last night and went after my little sister, didn't you?
11:23Now, Carrie, which one of these sad cases did this to you?
11:25It was him, Uncle Greg.
11:31Greg Thompson, nice to meet you.
11:35Now, the responsibility does lie with you, slobs, and I want some kind of compensation here, either fiscal or physical.
11:41Don't be so hasty, Greg.
11:42How about a drink on me house?
11:44I'll get you, son.
11:46It's a lucky punch, that's all.
11:47You got a glass of your dick breath?
11:50You're dead!
11:53Lovely boy.
11:54Yeah.
11:56Now, that is what I call a bit of top-jaw fluff.
12:00Chew me bum biscuits, dingo breath.
12:03An Aussie.
12:04Bread for bar work, it's instinct.
12:07Instinct!
12:11How's about that drink then, sweetheart?
12:12Erm, I'm afraid I'm not lactating at the moment, but I can get you something from the bar.
12:16Just kidding, whatever he wants, Janet.
12:19Pint for me, that's a pint for the fella.
12:21And slobs here, we'll have his usual glass of white wine for the lady.
12:25Eric, just a lemonade, please, Uncle Greg.
12:28Tosser.
12:28Poof.
12:33I don't believe it.
12:34You are no longer the last bloke in the world I'd sleep with.
12:37That's progress.
12:39Working me way up the ladder.
12:41Only 2.5 billion morons to climb.
12:44Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
12:46He's got tickets on himself, that bloke.
12:53Why are you licking his quaint?
12:54That kid deserved everything he got.
12:55You're the one that should be asking him for money.
12:58Yeah, but you don't mess with Greg Thompson.
12:59Why not?
13:00You just don't.
13:01No one does.
13:01The consequences are too dire.
13:03Yeah, well, I'll have a go.
13:04Because I hate him, but I admire him.
13:09I mean, what he's got.
13:10His pub, I mean.
13:11I was never confused.
13:13No.
13:14He's got the lot, you know.
13:16He's got a beer garden, a car park, and a carvery.
13:19It's a triple whammy.
13:21Bastard.
13:21He's started doing Tex-Mex now as well.
13:25He makes his money on the food.
13:27He isn't a pub anymore.
13:28It's a bloody restaurant.
13:30I'm waiting, slops.
13:31Why does he call you slops?
13:33On me way, Greg.
13:35Thanks for the lemonade, Uncle Greg.
13:37That's all right.
13:37Carry, you're a good lad.
13:43Jesus Christ.
13:44Any chance of a splash of lager in marble water, slops?
13:47Oh!
13:49You got me there.
13:53Look at it.
13:54Very funny.
13:55Look at my face.
13:57Look at my face.
13:59It's a picture.
14:01So, how's business over the cock and beaver, Greg?
14:04Fantastic, as always.
14:06Perhaps you haven't heard those slops.
14:07We've had to change your name.
14:09It's now called the Queen of Arts in her memory.
14:12I'm filling up.
14:14Very tastefully done, eh?
14:16I put a little shrine into her.
14:18When people buy around, they're invited to buy
14:20a white wine for Lady Di,
14:23a pint for Doddy,
14:24a soft drink for the driver.
14:28If only they'd had one that night, eh?
14:30If only.
14:32Killed by a Frenchman!
14:33I'm only after something!
14:35And a penny of all those drinks
14:37goes to all the poor and or nutty kiddies.
14:40It's what she would have wanted.
14:42She was a candle in the wind.
14:44And that candle...
14:45And that candle...
14:45And that candle...
14:46And that candle...
14:46And that candle...
14:46And that candle...
14:47And that candle...
14:48And that candle...
14:49Who are they talking about?
14:51To be completely honest with you,
14:52those slops,
14:53the public are losing interest a bit.
14:54They're fickle like that.
14:56How soon they forget.
14:57So I'm waiting for one of the Spice Girls to stuff it.
14:59Rename, refit.
15:02Spice of death, maybe.
15:03Don't look witty like that.
15:05Very witty, Greg.
15:09Is that we're going to solve our little problem,
15:11Neen Slops?
15:12Surely it doesn't have to come to that, Greg.
15:14Do our days at Landlord Academy count for nothing?
15:18Landlord Academy?
15:19That's where we train, Gorgeous.
15:21Yeah, not pub tech like all these modern landlords nowadays.
15:24No, Landlord Academy.
15:27Where the first seven years of your training are just theory.
15:29Bar physics.
15:30Fight mechanics.
15:31Fight dynamics.
15:32Including leave it, it's not worth it strategies.
15:34Pean-up wrangling.
15:35Black management.
15:36At the end of your seventh year,
15:38you pull your first pint...
15:39And they call you governor.
15:42First time in my life I've felt truly alive.
15:45I'm so alone.
15:48Happy days, eh?
15:49No.
15:50No, I'm afraid our time at Landlord Academy
15:52does count for absolutely nothing, Slops.
15:55You see, Carrie is family.
15:58Now, I want to settle this man-to-man.
15:59You either cough up or you put them up, son.
16:01Yeah, well, I'd love to, Greg.
16:03It's just I've got to, um...
16:04I've got to, uh...
16:04Change your barrel!
16:05Change your barrel, that's it.
16:06Nice one.
16:09Glass and crisps, Uncle Greg.
16:11Of course you can, Carrie.
16:12So at least these bastards could do for you.
16:13Yeah, look, this boat's got loads.
16:15Well, go on then, boy, up yourself.
16:16My crisps, my beautiful crisps!
16:19Right, you little oik.
16:20Now, it's personal.
16:23You're shit for brains.
16:24Call me that again,
16:25and next thing I'll be calling you is an ambulance.
16:28Shit for brains.
16:30Oh, right.
16:31Well, I warned you.
16:35My bar's about 30 feet longer than this one, you know.
16:38It's massive.
16:40I'd like to see it.
16:41I'm afraid you'll have to talk to my face.
16:43My mammary glands have not yet acquired the power of speech.
16:46Shame.
16:48And if they had, right now,
16:49they'd be telling you to fuck off!
16:52Yeah, good one.
16:54Say that we've been working here for nothing then, sweetheart.
16:56I don't know what you mean.
16:57Well, Slop Slepper pays his bar staff.
17:00The last staff bin spent four months here before she walked.
17:03Yeah, right, sure.
17:03I really believe that.
17:05I'm being sarcastic.
17:07You should come work for me, love.
17:09You get your own en-suite double bedroom.
17:11Choice of three meals for my carvery or Tex-Mex menu.
17:15And 400 quid a week,
17:16cashing you around, no questions asked.
17:18Are you kidding?
17:19Play your cards right,
17:20you get to sleep in the master bedroom.
17:23Actually, she's with me.
17:27All right, that's all right, pal.
17:29Respect that.
17:30But let me know when you're finished with it.
17:32I don't mind sloppy seconds.
17:34What are sloppy seconds, Uncle Greg?
17:36Never you mind, Carrie.
17:37Don't tell your mother.
17:38What a sloppy second.
17:41Piss off.
17:44The ambulance is on its way, pal.
17:47Taking you back to the mental hospital, is it?
17:49Uh, no.
17:52Damn it!
17:53I wish Slop's got to.
17:54Come on, pal, I'm a busy man.
17:56Yeah, yeah, I'll see where he's got to.
18:01What the hell do you think you're doing, boyhead?
18:03Slops, I'm in guff.
18:05Are you a man or a merkin?
18:08You should be hiding out here behind some crisps.
18:10This is your gaff, your rules.
18:11My gaff.
18:12My rules.
18:14He's just trying to intimidate you into paying up.
18:16If you square up to him, he'll run home to his mummy.
18:18Are you sure?
18:19Pretty sure.
18:21How sure?
18:2270%.
18:2365 lowest.
18:25Come on, get out there!
18:27Oh, there you are, Slops.
18:30I thought you spontaneously combusted.
18:33We had some firemen in our gaff the other week.
18:36Had a very funny story to tell about you.
18:39Have you come to Papland, have you?
18:40No, he's decided to fight.
18:42Oh, he has.
18:43Oh, yeah?
18:43He'll fall for it.
18:46Are you sure?
18:47Yeah, 50%.
18:4840, then.
18:51Yeah.
18:5130.
18:52If I just hit him, he might get a lucky pound.
18:55Ah, yeah!
18:56Gotcha!
18:57Now, say who's the best million!
18:59It's me!
19:00No, no, it's you.
19:01And what else?
19:03No, submit!
19:04Submit!
19:05Now, say it!
19:06Tell everyone what you are!
19:07Oh, I am...
19:09Governor!
19:10Hello!
19:11Hello!
19:13Moose Jackson!
19:15Vicky!
19:16Greg!
19:17What are you doing here?
19:19We must stop meeting like this.
19:20Slapper!
19:21What, do I own the pleasure of my little cherry tree?
19:26Well, I just received an anonymous phone call
19:28giving some info about our local hooligans.
19:30That was from me.
19:31I called you.
19:32The caller insisted on their anonymity.
19:35I know they did.
19:36Cos it was me.
19:37I insisted on it.
19:40Anyway, apparently one of the little bees is in here tonight.
19:43Yeah, that's him right there.
19:45I saw it all.
19:46I'm prepared to give a statement.
19:49Well, thanks, Janine.
19:50No, the name is Janet.
19:52Janet, yes.
19:53Oh, of course.
19:53What am I like?
19:54Smeghead?
19:58Uncle Greg, do something.
20:00Greg, surely you're not related to this reprobate?
20:03Course not.
20:03Uncle Greg, I'm family.
20:05I've never seen you before in my life.
20:07I'll tell Mum.
20:08No, you bloody won't if you know what's good for you.
20:10Well, I know his mum, obviously.
20:11Who's got shit for Brighton's dad, then, eh?
20:20I'm not going to forget about this, you know.
20:22You made a big mistake.
20:23You'll soon find out I was right about him,
20:25and when you do, you'll come running to me.
20:27They all do.
20:28Wreck off tickets.
20:29Vicky, fancy coming up the Queen of Arts for a quick one?
20:32Drink, I mean.
20:33Oh, Wreck.
20:35You're naughty but nice.
20:37Oh, no.
20:37Do you remember that advert?
20:39No.
20:43Thanks for that, love.
20:44I owe you one.
20:45No working furries, mate.
20:46Hey, what are you thanking her for?
20:49It was me phoned up.
20:51And you're a dark horse, aren't you?
20:53I was just protecting you from that Thompson, was it?
20:56Yeah, I know your game, you toey little ripper.
21:00Don't!
21:00Dennett, I want to show you my appreciation, love.
21:04But it was me.
21:06I saved a bloody day.
21:08That's the last time I make an anonymous phone call.
21:11Well, that kind of anonymous phone call.
21:15You know I can't pay you.
21:17Yeah, well, I know you will as soon as you can.
21:18I'm putting my trust in you.
21:20Yeah.
21:21Yeah, but what I can do is throw a great big party for you.
21:24Lots of food and drink, all for free.
21:26Oh, nice one, bully.
21:28How do you lead?
21:29Yeah, we'll do it tomorrow.
21:31Yeah.
21:32LAUGHTER
21:33MUSIC PLAYS
21:34What's he doing?
21:51What's he up to?
21:53Oh, no, it's not what it looks like.
22:03You don't understand.
22:04Oh, my God, he's thinking the slops.
22:06Oh, disgusting.
22:07Slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops, slops.
22:13Oh, va利 Informationen.
22:14Whoa, va, va...
22:15Whoa, va, va, va...
22:15Whoa, va, va...
22:16continuum.
22:17Bye-da-vo video horizontal.
22:18Bye-da-va, take a moment.
22:18Say, we are a great day.
22:22Bye-da-va, ha, ha,.
22:27Bye-da-va, ha, ha.
22:28Bye-da-va, ha, ha, ha, ha!
22:29Bye-da-va, ha, ha—
22:30Bye-da-va, ha, ha!
22:31Bye-da-va, ha, ha!
22:33Bye-da, ha, ha.
22:35Bye-da!
22:35Bye-da-va, ha, ha, ha, ha!
22:3510th mêmealon.
22:36Bye-da, ha, ha, ha!
22:37...