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00:00It's true, the British never put a man on the moon.
00:26No.
00:27No, of course not.
00:28It's not worth going, is it?
00:29And the moon was never going to be part of the British Empire, was it?
00:33There's no one to give it back to once we're done with it.
00:36Waste of a journey.
00:38Exactly.
00:38There's no point going to the moon, putting in a railway, trial by jury, a civil service, parliamentary democracy, the English language.
00:45There's no bastard there.
00:48There's nothing to be gained in the way of hot and spicy food or Olympic quality athletes.
00:53It's true, we never put a man on the moon, but we were the first up Everest, which is as near as you can get without the sodding fireworks.
01:02First people to climb Everest were a bloke from New Zealand and a Sherpa.
01:08Yeah, but they put the Union Jack on top, didn't they, and blew it for themselves.
01:13Sweats.
01:14Yeah.
01:15But, sweats are loyal to us.
01:18And that's what counts.
01:20Steve, hurry up.
01:21He'll be here any second.
01:22I'm going as fast as it's humanly possible.
01:25Excuse me, sweet nuts.
01:28That's impossible.
01:30Any sign of him yet, prof?
01:31Sensors are negative, number one.
01:33By sensors, do you mean your eyes?
01:35Eyes, yes.
01:37There's definitely no one coming.
01:41Is that the postman I see before me?
01:44No, I'm a hologram.
01:47No, you're not.
01:49You're a postman, you're all right.
01:52I see myself as a postman.
01:55Yeah, this bar thing's temporary.
01:57I've got aspirations.
01:59Aspirations to be a postman?
02:02Yeah.
02:03Could you put a word in for me, please?
02:06Oh, yeah, sure.
02:09Thanks.
02:10See you later, male invigilator.
02:12In a while, imbecile.
02:15What a fella.
02:16What is he?
02:17It's from bloody Muz Jackson from the brewery.
02:19It's a new range of designer snacks.
02:22Spicy tortilla chips.
02:27Bloody hell.
02:28Prawn crackers.
02:30Oh, God.
02:32Mini garlic baguettes.
02:36Back off, Brussels.
02:38I've never seen such a box of delights.
02:41Oh, brave new world that there are such savories in it.
02:45No!
02:46I will not be serving these abominations in my gaff.
02:50Jenny, bin it.
02:51Oh, look.
02:54Scampi flavoured balls.
02:56Reminds me of my last boyfriend.
03:01Oh, never mind.
03:03Red alerts.
03:03Red alerts.
03:04Action stations.
03:05Target's been sent.
03:06Is he coming or not?
03:08Well, yes.
03:08Yes.
03:09Right.
03:10Everybody hide.
03:11Steve.
03:11The lights.
03:12Hello?
03:18Surprise!
03:18Surprise!
03:20Oh, say.
03:22What a welcome.
03:23Hang on.
03:24Prof, that isn't Terry.
03:26Isn't it?
03:27Oh, I'm sorry.
03:28I...
03:28Who are you?
03:29I'm Alan Stevens from the St John's Ambulance.
03:32I'm here to do the first aid course in the function room.
03:34Oh, yeah.
03:35How could I forget?
03:37Surprised!
03:40Climmy.
03:40It's very kind of you to organise refreshments.
03:43I'm not sure there'll be quite that many of us.
03:45But Hope Springs, etc., as they say.
03:47And up for you, St John.
03:50Oh.
03:51Oh, well.
03:52Thanks, anyway.
03:53By the way, it's Alan.
03:59Attention, please.
04:01My course is open to everyone.
04:03It's educational, but fun.
04:05I promise you, I'll have you all in stitches.
04:08Well, obviously, in actual fact, I'm not trained to do any kind of surgery.
04:12But I'll be here all day.
04:14Any takers?
04:17OK, maybe later.
04:19Yeah.
04:20Keep up the good work, squire.
04:21You're doing a wonderful job.
04:24Bloody do-gooder.
04:26Amateur.
04:27If I want my life saved, I want it done by a professional.
04:30He's only joining St John's Ambulance to get into football for free.
04:34All he knows how to do is bandages.
04:36Bandages?
04:38Medicine's moved on, mate!
04:42What's going on?
04:43Shh.
04:43Well, it's all a bit of a surprise, actually.
04:45See, we're waiting for Terry.
04:46That's me, you plank.
04:49Oh, um...
04:50Gov?
04:51Ta-da!
04:53Terry!
04:54Uh-oh.
04:54What are you doing here?
04:55You're fired!
04:57I don't think so, Gov.
04:58Yes, he is.
05:00He tried to trick you into thinking the pub was frequented by royalty by sticking a picture
05:04of Prince Charlie on Gary's face.
05:09Yeah, and it would have worked, too, if the dog hadn't barked.
05:12Like this was uncanny, and I so wanted it to be true.
05:18I'm sorry, Terry.
05:19I couldn't possibly let you back in here, could I?
05:22If it wasn't for the fact that this pub operates an automatic birthday bar in Amnesty.
05:27Happy birthday, mate!
05:29Happy birthday!
05:30Oh, you guys.
05:32I'm underwhelmed.
05:34I thought you'd forgot.
05:36With friends like you, who needs animals?
05:38How could we forget, though?
05:41Your poster campaign was very effective.
05:45A coup de publicité.
05:48I'm sorry, Prof.
05:49I don't speak French!
05:51A coup of publicity.
05:53Yeah, now you got me.
05:54So, Terry, up for your usual birthday session?
05:56Of course.
05:57One pint for every year of my life.
05:59I don't know how I'll manage 29 pints, but still.
06:04Don't listen to him, Braniac.
06:06He's 45 this year.
06:0745 pints?
06:08That'll kill him!
06:09Of course it won't.
06:10Don't be such a party pooper.
06:12It's nice to see someone enjoy themselves for a change.
06:14You'll be paying up front, of course, Terry.
06:1781 pounds, 45p.
06:19Beautiful.
06:21Oh, look at that.
06:22He's taken off his shoes and put it on his slippers.
06:25It's bloody poetry.
06:27A landlord in the world, he doesn't find that a beautiful sight.
06:33If you smell anything, it's just my feet.
06:36I'm so alone.
06:38Surprise!
06:541963.
06:56I had my first ever taste of alcohol.
06:59I was eight.
07:00Late starter, eh?
07:01Your old man served me.
07:03Set me on me way.
07:04Made me the man I am today.
07:08That's very touching, Terry.
07:10I'm filling up.
07:121963, eh?
07:13Here, do you lads remember where you were when Kennedy got shot?
07:16I was in here drinking.
07:18I was in here drinking.
07:19Here drinking.
07:21Shame you didn't invite old Kennedy along.
07:24Could have got old JF out of sport.
07:26I'll bother there.
07:29I like these mini poppadoms.
07:32See, they're like regular poppadoms, only smaller.
07:35It means you could take your mouse along to an Indian restaurant and he wouldn't feel left out.
07:39Put those back in the bin, Crosby.
07:42I ought not.
07:42We're serving that rubbish.
07:44Mother!
07:45Let me have them, Gov.
07:46I love Chris Me.
07:47Oh, go on, please.
07:49It's my birthday.
07:50How can I resist those cute baby eyes?
07:53I miss my boy, that's all.
07:56Janet, do the honours.
07:59Hold on.
08:00What's that?
08:02Gay lords?
08:03God!
08:09I was never confused!
08:12Here you go, guest pets.
08:14Many happy repeats.
08:15Thanks, darling.
08:17What are the chances of a birthday kiss?
08:19Oh, about the same as the chances of anything coming from Mars?
08:22Oh, millions of won.
08:23I like those odds.
08:25I'll have a quid on it.
08:26There you go, if you want to chuck your money away.
08:29How about a birthday shag?
08:31You're fucking shocking.
08:33I wish Steve had your balls.
08:35Not literally.
08:36Oh, what an unpleasant mental image.
08:39I've offended myself.
08:40About bloody time.
08:43What do you think I'm doing wrong, gaspants?
08:45I mean, I'm flirting away like crazy, but he hasn't noticed.
08:48I'm worried I'm being a bit subtle for him.
08:50What you want to do is make him jealous.
08:53You reckon?
08:54Oh, yeah.
08:55Make him realise what he's missing when he sees you in the arms of another man, kissing him, touching him, allowing him to touch you.
09:04Wonder?
09:05That's a good idea, but who?
09:07I wonder.
09:08I wonder.
09:10Hello?
09:12No, not him, you dark pink.
09:14Me.
09:17Anyone turned up yet?
09:18Afraid not, Sinjin.
09:19It's Alan.
09:20Oh, well, these things are sent to, et cetera, as they say.
09:24Can I get you anything?
09:26And I mean anything.
09:28Oh, well, maybe I'll have a weak lemon squash.
09:32First aid is firsty work.
09:36You know, I love a man in uniform, but I prefer a man out of one.
09:48You know, so we can have a root.
09:50Oh, OK.
09:51Oh, right.
09:54Oh, right.
09:56I best be getting back.
09:58Remember, everyone's welcome to come and join in the fun.
10:00Oi, do we get to go to football?
10:03Oh, no.
10:04I'm yours.
10:06Oh, look, I'll give it a go.
10:08If you show me a bit of mouth to mouth, I'll show you a bit of mouth to...
10:13Cock-a-hoop!
10:15We're cock-a-hoop to have you here, Sinjin.
10:19Thanks, but it's Alan.
10:26Nance.
10:27I'll tell you, this country's called Great Britain.
10:29It would be called Amazing Britain if it wasn't for tits like him,
10:32pulling the average down.
10:35What year are you on now, tell?
10:381974.
10:39Year of the Cod War.
10:41Of course, I signed up straight away.
10:43I've always hated fish.
10:46If it was my chance to give them what for,
10:49I ended up spending the duration in a field in Germany.
10:52Poor sod.
10:53How they thought the cod were going to end up there, I'd do nothing.
10:56Maybe those sneaky cod have developed some kind of reverse submarine device.
11:01It was not mine to question why.
11:04I had to repay orders.
11:05Lions led by donkeys.
11:07Still, gave you a chance to keep your eye on the Jerry's, eh?
11:10Make sure they didn't get up with their old tricks.
11:12Didn't get a kill in it, though.
11:13Worse luck.
11:15Still,
11:1530 years too late for that.
11:18It's all in the timing, isn't it?
11:20I killed a couple of them, you know.
11:22The Germans.
11:24Good on you, Grandad.
11:24You're a bloody hero.
11:25No.
11:26I'm not proud of it.
11:28Senseless waste of life.
11:30They couldn't have been any more than teenagers.
11:32Yeah, but it was you or them, wasn't it?
11:34Not really.
11:35I fell asleep at the wheel.
11:40Mounted the pavement.
11:42You'd have thought their rucksacks would have cushioned the impact.
11:46Yep.
11:47Well, in my book, that still counts.
11:49It's insurance against the future.
11:53They shouldn't have taken your licence away.
11:54They should have given you a bloody medal.
11:57So, Terry, you having a nice birthday, mate?
11:59Oh, blinding guv.
12:00Don't worry, mate.
12:02We've got a little surprise lined up for you later on.
12:06It's not one of those striptograms, is it?
12:08I couldn't tell you.
12:10Oh, these boys are brilliant.
12:12Every year they book me one of those surprise striptograms.
12:16Naughty nurses, traffic wardens,
12:18girls that'll make your hair stand on end.
12:20I mean, more than it is already.
12:23Every year you fall for it.
12:24Not this year, guys.
12:25This year, I'm ready for anything.
12:28It's a glorious day.
12:30If this is global warming, then I, for one, am not complaining.
12:33It's excellent.
12:38You've expelled yourselves.
12:41How much do you have to pay over this?
12:45Terry!
12:46Honestly, Miss Jackson, it was all an innocent misunderstanding.
12:59He was trying to take my tights off with his teeth.
13:02Ah.
13:03Well, you see, that's quite funny, really.
13:04You see, he thought you was a stripper.
13:06What?
13:07What were you thinking, Terry?
13:11I don't know.
13:13When I saw her taking her jacket off, I thought it was her way of saying she resuscitated my feelings.
13:18I'll put it right.
13:23I want to make it up for you, Vicky.
13:27Would you like the gobble?
13:28Oh!
13:29Terry!
13:29No, no, no, no, turkey gobbles.
13:33They're like pork scratchings, but made out of turkey.
13:37They're delicious.
13:40Disgusting.
13:40They're only fit for the dog.
13:42My crisps.
13:44My beautiful crisps.
13:45Terry, have another drink.
13:47So, what year's that, then, sir?
13:53Um, 1977.
13:56The year I set up my first business.
13:58Oh, yeah?
13:58What were you doing?
14:00Manufacturing silver jubilee mugs.
14:02The first year was great.
14:04I was in clover.
14:06Come 78, the bottom just fell out of the market.
14:09I'll never understand it.
14:11The public is so fickle.
14:13It's time that when you did mouth to mouth, you had to put your tongue that far in.
14:17Oh, no, I didn't do anything, did I?
14:19And look, look.
14:20You spent all afternoon tying me up in there, haven't you?
14:23No, I wouldn't say that.
14:24Same, you didn't put a bandage on your mouth.
14:27Oh, look at those legs.
14:29Come here, love.
14:30Just keep away with me.
14:31No, I assure you.
14:33You've got the wrong end of the, uh, etc.
14:35As they say.
14:37What about you two?
14:39Would your tigger like a sling?
14:40No!
14:41Right away, brother!
14:42Free crisps!
14:43Free crisps!
14:45Oh, my God!
14:46Gay lords!
14:48Get in the nuts!
14:51Bring out the cashews!
14:57Bloody Ms. Jackson, the bloody designer snacks.
15:00Designer snacks.
15:02Designer snacks!
15:03Fair enough.
15:04Get in a designer if you're building an aeroplane.
15:06But snacks!
15:08If it ain't broke!
15:10Don't worry about fishpants Jackson, bullethead.
15:13Gov!
15:13She'd be all right if she pulled the broomstick out of her coin.
15:17Mind you, I reckon she's after a bit of rough.
15:21You know, she's the kind of woman who has tradesmen's entrance stamped on her knickers.
15:25I hope you're not suggesting.
15:31Still, it's been a year.
15:34No!
15:361981.
15:37Year of the London Marathon.
15:39You didn't run, though.
15:41Oh, I did.
15:42Remember that bloke at the end with the wobbly legs?
15:44It wasn't you!
15:46Nah.
15:46I was like that after the first hundred jars.
15:50Everybody told me I should have done some training, but I knew better.
15:53Bravado, really.
15:55That's when I had my first heart attack.
15:57Still, I met my fifth fiancée in the hospital.
16:06Funny how the sticky finger of fate works, eh?
16:09If I had had a garden marathon and she hadn't had an analogy to nuts, we'd have never met.
16:15Well, not that she met me exactly.
16:18She never came out of the coma.
16:19For all I proposed, there was a definite flicker.
16:24Yeah, a bit like that.
16:27I'm, er...
16:28I'm sorry I flew off the handle earlier, Governor.
16:33You have to understand that I want this pub to be a success as much as you do.
16:37It is a success!
16:39Look, I sold 45 pints of beer this morning.
16:41Oh, no, no, no.
16:42Your daytime figures are excellent.
16:44You're top of the league there.
16:45Liverpool United.
16:47But most of my pubs...
16:48I tend to pick up around six, you know, after work.
16:52Oh, there's no shame in being unemployed.
16:54Apart from the actual shame of being unemployed, obviously.
16:58Well, we need to attract some of that market to your pub.
17:00That's really why I sent those snacks across.
17:02They're very popular in the city.
17:03What did you think?
17:04I'm sorry, Miss Jackson.
17:05There's really no call for that sort of thing in here.
17:08Good morning, Chris, Gov.
17:09They're lost.
17:11Shut up, Terry.
17:12Sorry, but we will not be serving those snacks in here.
17:16Oh, I think you will, Governor.
17:19If the brewery was to hear what happened to me today,
17:21I hate to think what might happen to your pub.
17:23I'm afraid, Governor, it's my way or the highway.
17:32I suppose a birthday kisses out the question.
17:35That was 1982.
17:41She wants it, I'll tell you.
17:45That is the woman I'm going to marry.
17:471997.
17:58She was a candle in the wind.
18:01She will never be forgotten.
18:04Who are we talking about?
18:06Oh, by the way, Sal, I got you a birthday present.
18:10Oh, Steve, I'm touched.
18:12Here you go, mate.
18:13The keys to a £40,000 BMW.
18:16Hey?
18:17Oh, don't worry, Sal.
18:18It's just the keys.
18:19Someone left them in the snow.
18:20Damn!
18:22I'm a nice one, Steve.
18:23You're in there, sublime.
18:25Look at his face.
18:26It's a picture.
18:28By the way, mate, I'd better take those back.
18:30You've had a few to drink.
18:32Got him again!
18:34Two answers!
18:35Two answers!
18:36It's my birthday!
18:39Oh, can I get you a drink, Singe?
18:41Alan, yes, please.
18:43First aid certainly is firsty work.
18:49This isn't working.
18:51What?
18:52Well, you're not making me jealous.
18:54I'm just glad you're off my back.
18:56You and me.
18:57It's hardly a will-they-won't-they situation, is it?
19:00It's a they-won't situation,
19:02because I don't fancy you!
19:06I do.
19:11Janet, the weather today has been very, um,
19:14well, it's been very pleasurable.
19:15Yeah, it's been all right.
19:18Janet, I was wondering if, uh,
19:20one night this week you might like to walk out with me.
19:23Oh, look, thanks, Singen.
19:24Alan!
19:25My name is Alan.
19:27Right, Alan, um,
19:29look, I know it's a really daggy shithouse thing to do,
19:32but I was only flirting with you to make someone else jealous.
19:37I-I mean, I didn't think you'd be interested.
19:40I'm really sorry.
19:41Oh.
19:42Well, no, that's okay.
19:45Women are all...
19:46etc., as they say.
19:47I've done it!
19:5245 pints!
19:54Yay!
19:54My whole life!
19:56My whole bloody life!
19:59Christ, I'll feel funny.
20:01I think 95 was a dodgy old pint.
20:06Look at that!
20:07That is the woman I'm going to marry.
20:11Terry Brooks.
20:12Yeah?
20:13I need to question you regarding unpaid taxes from the year 1977.
20:18Anything you say will be taken down...
20:21Oh, shit!
20:22What's happening?
20:23Terry!
20:24Terry!
20:24She's just a stripper!
20:26Oh, Christ!
20:29He's having another heart attack!
20:31Singen, do your stuff!
20:32Oh, no, I'm sorry.
20:33I don't do heart attacks.
20:35I can, uh, put a bandage on it.
20:36Well, I don't.
20:38It's not my fault.
20:39I didn't do nothing.
20:40I don't know what to do.
20:41No, it's all right.
20:42I'm prepared for this situation.
20:44It's all right.
20:46They've got a 30-foot flex on them
20:48so they can reach any point in the public bar.
20:50They're on a light cotton steam
20:52so they should sort him out.
20:56Clear!
21:01If he dies, do you still have to pay me?
21:04Oh, no, the lights come on.
21:06Come on!
21:07Come on!
21:09It's cotton-up!
21:10Whoa!
21:11Get off!
21:12It's not a heart attack.
21:15Oh!
21:16Ah!
21:17My old man's eye!
21:20Oh, it was one of those turkey gobble things.
21:23He must have got it out of the dog's bowl.
21:25He was choking on it.
21:27He's not breathing.
21:28Oh, well.
21:29Here goes nothing.
21:30He owed me a million quid.
21:41Oh, what?
21:41Oh!
21:44Ah!
21:44Well, men's have a right.
21:47Terry, mate.
21:48I'm sorry.
21:49Oh!
21:50Me chest!
21:51Oh, the pain!
21:52Oh, my God!
21:54Nine a burn.
21:55I can deal with this.
21:56I can do gay lords, please, Gup.
22:09Back off, Croft!
22:10Ta-da!
22:14Terry!
22:16Shouldn't you be at the hospital?
22:17Nah, I've discharged myself.
22:20You wouldn't believe it.
22:21They didn't have a bar.
22:22I couldn't get a drink for love nor monkey.
22:26And they have the gall to claim that they make you feel better.
22:29Terry, you should go back.
22:30Those wounds could...
22:31Nonsense!
22:32Welcome back, mate.
22:34We all missed you.
22:35We all missed you.