- 09/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Are you there?
00:01I'm!
00:03Are you a sign now?
00:13?
00:16?
00:23Hello, Maureen. Have you shat everywhere?
00:46Smells like you've shat everywhere. Brilliant. A floor made out of dog turds.
00:52Like there's a mental patient on Grand Designs.
01:13Nice to see you here again, Ellen. He looks tall. Was Jesus quite tall?
01:17No-one knows. They were probably shorter back then, actually.
01:20Well, the medieval people were short. You can see that from the old doorways.
01:24So the Jesus-time people must have been tiny.
01:27I don't think they were tiny.
01:28I don't mean tiny like Playmobil people. Tiny like jockeys or those little stocky men who do judo.
01:35Oh, I need to get back.
01:37Shall I walk with you part of the way? I was thinking of having a full English at the cafe.
01:41Ooh, naughty. You won't be getting into heaven.
01:45I actually will. That's pretty much guaranteed.
01:49Access all areas.
01:54Sorry. Shit everywhere. The dogs.
01:57How is sweet little Maureen? Apart from the shit everywhere.
02:01If I wear a surgical mask and latex gloves and take three Pyroton, my breathing stays fairly normal. So happy to have her here.
02:08OK, I'm emailing you all copies of Laurie's will. Geoff, is your address still send Glenys Kinnock to prison at Gmail?
02:15Yeah, Geoff Nichols was already taken. And Geoff Nichols won.
02:18Nichols, Geoff?
02:19Might never chat.
02:20Ellen's going to be a little late. She's the executor of the will, so she's already familiar with what's in it.
02:24Sorry I'm late. Geoff, just saw the exhaust on your Volvo was trailing, so I did a temporary fix.
02:29Wow, cheers, mate.
02:31And Cass, you know that book we talked about on the architecture of Stuttgart should be on your Kindle?
02:35I so want to read that. Amazing Stuttgart in beautiful... Europe.
02:40Erm, sorry, Andrew. Private family event? The will, its core family, just the solid core. Blood family.
02:48And also, seemingly, Mike.
02:50Quietless.
02:52Actually, Stephen, Andrew is mentioned in the will.
02:54Yes. Mum asked me to come along.
02:57Hope I'm not treading on any toes.
02:59No, I'm guessing you've been left a table lamp or something. Some pens.
03:08You can sit next to me, Andrew. Make sure I don't die of bloody boredom.
03:12How's your B&B? Bit brim?
03:14I've stayed in more depressing places, but then I did have eight Christmases in care.
03:19Will you be reading the will?
03:21That only happens in films, Geoff.
03:22Ah, go on, please. You can start with,
03:24I expect you're wondering why I've asked you all here.
03:27That's murder mysteries. We know why she's asked us all here.
03:30And she didn't ask us all here. We all asked her here.
03:32You're determined to suck the fun out of things, aren't you, Stephen?
03:35Sorry. I apologise for sucking the fun out of my dead father's last wishes.
03:40What a fucking buzzkill.
03:42I think Jesus Christ, peace be upon him, is...
03:47We don't tend to say that. That's the... We just don't say it.
03:51Oh. Well, I think Jesus Christ, best wishes be to him, is the logical next step in my spiritual journey.
03:58Paganism, self-hypnosis, sprigs of rosemary down your pants will only take you so far.
04:04You need some red meat with your Aduki beans. And that's Jesus.
04:09The church is very pleased to welcome you, Ellen.
04:12I do like the idea of eternal life.
04:14And it's only possible through Christ. Everyone else is damned.
04:17Even a tiny baby is damned to hell if it dies unbaptised.
04:21You can work for 60 years feeding the poor, healing the sick, giving every ounce of yourself for the service of others.
04:27But unless you accept Christ as your saviour, you'll burn in agony for all eternity. And deserve to.
04:34You're quite hardline, aren't you?
04:36There's only one truth, Ellen. I'm not going to lie about it.
04:39What about people in remote tribes who don't know about Jesus?
04:42Help burn. Quite rightly. They know. Even the Amazon tribes can get 4G these days.
04:48And will Laurie burn?
04:50Yes, he will.
04:51I bequeath the residue of this business to my beloved wife, Ellen May Nicholls, a 45% share,
04:57and my children, Stephen Richard Nicholls and Cassandra Leslie Nicholls, a 25% share each.
05:03Doesn't that come to 95%?
05:05I may get 105%.
05:06Really?
05:07Maybe not. I've switched off since it became clear I'm getting fuck all.
05:10Unless I get that 5%.
05:12To aid with the transition period, Andrew Thomas Donnelly shall have a 5% stake in the John Barnicorn.
05:18Sorry, everyone. I was checking in with Julie and re lovely Jesus Christ and so on.
05:24I am hugely into Jesus now. I think he's brilliant.
05:28Mum, Andrew has a share of the business. 5%.
05:31Yes, great, isn't it? Just the shot in the arm this place needs. Help clear our debts.
05:36This is so lovely, guys. I'll do whatever I can to help you out. I'm humbled and I'm proud.
05:41You can't be. They're opposites. It's like being simultaneously on the moon and not on the moon.
05:51Who the fuck is he anyway?
05:53He claims he lived with us for a matter of months. I was Dad's proper son for 42 years.
05:57Andrew was a rescue son we temporarily honed.
06:00Yeah, we need to Google the shit out of him. Try and work out his history. Me and you. Like Cagney and Lacey. Or Scott and Bailey.
06:07Or maybe a partnership where one of them is a man. Yeah. Team us.
06:12Sorry, is this a bad back thing, the lying on the floor?
06:15Oh, no. Tom was here at lunchtime. We had sex in Graham's office. It's OK. He's away on a course.
06:20OK. Oh, I'm sorry I haven't told you, have I? We're trying for a baby.
06:24Right. Nice one. Oh, nice one. Who says nice one?
06:28After sex, I have to lie in this position for a bit to keep all the, you know...
06:32Yeah, I get it. ...cum up there. Sure.
06:34We've not been lucky yet, so we think the timing's pretty crucial. Could you just pass me that cushion?
06:39I've got a very precise ovulation calculator that works more or less to the hour. Thanks.
06:45Is it Swiss? Not sure. Anyway, sorry, too much grisly info.
06:50No, no. Are you up for carrying on the Andrew investigation tomorrow evening? Team us.
06:55Yeah. Although, at eight o'clock, can you remind me I've got to go home and have sex with Tom.
06:59I'll set an alarm too, but just in case, could you...?
07:02My pleasure. Thanks.
07:04We were just saying, Stephen, how Julian does a lot of drug outreach work.
07:18Work with assorted people Jesus would have hung out with.
07:20Rabbis and fishermen?
07:22Fringe people. Liminal people. Guys who are on the edge or in the gaps.
07:27I did a lot of voice and movement work with those kind of guys when I ran an actor's studio in Berlin.
07:32Oh, fucking hell. If you're addicted, you don't have a voice. You're, I love the drugs.
07:37But when you gain confidence through voice and movement work, you're like,
07:41No more drugs for me, thanks! It's that different.
07:44Now, sometimes I baptise the guys. Christ's not just in a church. He's in this pub.
07:49He's in a brothel in a treehouse. Bellmarsh Prison in Ikea.
07:53John baptised Christ outdoors in a river. Wherever there's water and the Holy Spirit,
07:57we can baptise those who seek redemption.
07:59Could you baptise me here, now?
08:01Of course.
08:07The Christian community welcomes you with great joy, Ellen.
08:10In its name, I claim you for Christ our Saviour by the sign of his cross.
08:19Wow.
08:20Go on. I'll have what she's having.
08:21What?
08:22Seems like the ideal time to get baptised.
08:24Do you actually believe in God?
08:25Sure.
08:26The Christian community welcomes you with great joy, Andrew. In its name, I claim you for Christ our Saviour by the sign of his cross.
08:34Baptising, is it?
08:35Yes.
08:36Brilliant.
08:37I'll have a pop.
08:38All my sins forgiven.
08:40Fantastic.
08:41I've fucked a load of people over in my time, and I once broke a security guard's spine, so this is an excellent deal.
08:47Stephen, will you be baptised?
08:49No, of course I won't.
08:50I don't want you to end up like your dad. He is burning in the fiery pit of hell right now.
08:55No, he isn't, Mum. Dad's not in hell. Don't upset yourself. His remains are rotting in a long wicker box.
09:04Seems small when you look around initially. Very small. But it's deceptively big, isn't it? Tremendously roomy. Too roomy, almost.
09:13Yeah, could you sign the docker?
09:14Trevellis Caravans. Are you a Cornish company?
09:17No.
09:18But you have a love of Cornwall, Trevellis, childhood holidays?
09:22My name's Trevellis.
09:24Ah, right. Clever. Clever Trevor.
09:28And you want another four of these?
09:30Almost certainly. This is just a sample to excite everyone. Do I get a discount for ordering five?
09:36No.
09:40Ah, good. You got the text.
09:42Welcome to the gold mine. Five static caravans in this field. Rent them out for holidays. Steady income. Clear our debts.
09:50OK.
09:51Initially, we'd need a septic tank, but the technology has improved hugely. Even with the medium-sized one, I've worked out that I could personally shit in it until I was 54 and still not fill it up.
10:03Let me give you the tour.
10:08It's very, very small.
10:09You think that when you look at it, but in reality it isn't.
10:12There's no oven. Just a hob.
10:14You can do most things on a hob. Picture the scene. Holiday makers having a great time locally, seeing the sights, then back to their spacious static for a slap-up hob-cooked meal.
10:26Do you genuinely like this sort of hutch?
10:29I love it. I would happily live here permanently. It's that good.
10:33Hey, life swap. If you stay here in Hobbit World, Andrew can have your room above the pub.
10:40No, I'm sure Stephen isn't serious about living in this hut. I am. You can have the stupid room. You can't fry an egg in a room. Can't we in a room?
10:53So what do we think, then, about the statics?
10:57I think this is a fantastic idea of Stephen's. I really do.
11:01Really?
11:02A superbly solid, workmanlike way of making some extra money. Let's get 100% behind this.
11:08I mean, I have had half a thought of my own about the future of the business, but let's not.
11:13What half a thought?
11:14Well, it's amazing.
11:16Um, well, something like, um...
11:19Wow!
11:20Let's do this. Whatever this is, please let's do it.
11:24We hold a food festival in the field. Come with me.
11:29Pop-up street food stalls, an Airstream serving great grilled cheese.
11:33Oh, I like a bit of grilled cheese.
11:35Cold cheese on toast.
11:36Tent selling local produce, you know, rare breed pulled pork, a vodka jelly kiosk, raw milk cheeses, a ferris wheel, falconry, a dim sum workshop, might be able to get a spitfire to fly over.
11:49Oh!
11:50And we call it the Snack and Field Event.
11:52Brilliant name.
11:53It's just a pun.
11:54And we end it with fireworks and a set by Coldplay.
11:57Fucking hell, that sounds amazing!
11:59I was joking about that last bit.
12:01Oh, still, fucking hell, the rest of it still sounds amazing.
12:04Can I just say, raw milk cheeses, you're playing with fire.
12:08They can cause pregnant women to miscarry.
12:10That's a 20 grand lawsuit minimum.
12:13Well, I love this idea.
12:14It's a thrilling and wonderfully exciting idea, as is Stephen's static caravan and septic tank proposal.
12:20But let's try the food festival first.
12:22Only if you're sure.
12:23I mean, I might make a massive cock-up of the whole thing.
12:26You won't.
12:27No chance.
12:28You're brilliant.
12:29So, I've been doing some Google sleuthing on Andrew today, and I've seen some of it checks out, but some of it's a bit hazy.
12:47Yes, I've been looking too. The Limoges restaurant stuff seems legit.
12:51Yeah, but it's not clear whether he owned it, or was a manager, or a waiter, or just ate there a lot.
12:56Got your chips and dips?
12:57Oh, thanks.
12:58Oh, I'll be going to the cash and carry in the morning.
13:00Oh.
13:01So, if anything occurs to you...
13:03Oh, I'll have a think.
13:06Why now?
13:07She just says, aww, all the fucking time.
13:10Aw.
13:12Did you notice Andrew's lost 18 months?
13:14No.
13:15There's a mystery period. 18 months where Andrew goes completely off the radar.
13:19Nothing about him on the internet for any of that time.
13:22Oh, interesting. Prism.
13:23Maybe.
13:24Perhaps he was a drug lord.
13:26No, sentence too short.
13:27An illegal fracker.
13:29He's been fracking his way through France.
13:31Or diddling. Serial diddling.
13:33I could look that up.
13:34No, your ISP might see the search terms and take you for the diddler.
13:37I'll search on mine.
13:38Lady diddlers are like hen's teeth.
13:40Hi.
13:41We've just been talking about continental paedophiles.
13:44And how the sentences are relatively short.
13:47Right.
13:48I wanted to talk very briefly about ferris wheels.
13:50Sure.
13:51Do you remember when Dad took us to the fair on the common?
13:53I loved the ferris wheel.
13:55And so did Dad.
13:57Yeah.
13:58Amazing days.
13:59Steven!
14:00I love rides.
14:01Sometimes being scared can be fun.
14:02And my entire waking existence is a carnival.
14:04The ferris wheel guy sent these.
14:06Oh, there he is. Excuse me.
14:08You could have a look at that.
14:09His location services will tell you whether he's been living where he says he has.
14:10I don't know.
14:11It's his private information.
14:12You need to know if he's a con man.
14:13Quick, he'll lock in a second.
14:14Bugger.
14:15Android.
14:16Don't know how to work Android.
14:17Fuck.
14:18What?
14:19I've taken a picture of myself.
14:20Shit.
14:21Delete it.
14:22I've tried to.
14:23Shit.
14:24Put it back.
14:25He's done it.
14:26He's coming back.
14:27OK.
14:28We can get ourselves a pretty great ferris wheel.
14:29Fully insured for an excellent price.
14:30I'm going to do the deal.
14:31Brilliant.
14:32Excellent detective work.
14:33We are such an amazing team.
14:34Phenomenal.
14:35Interpol shit hire us.
14:36We'd make millions.
14:37You need to have some money.
14:38I don't know how to work.
14:39I don't know how to work.
14:40I don't know how to work.
14:41I don't know how to work.
14:42I don't know how to work.
14:43Fuck.
14:44What?
14:45I've taken a picture of myself.
14:46Shit.
14:47Delete it.
14:48I tried to.
14:49Shit.
14:50Put it back.
14:51He's done it.
14:52I think.
14:53OK.
14:54We can get ourselves a pretty great ferris wheel.
14:55Fully insured for an excellent price.
14:56I'm going to do the deal.
14:57Brilliant.
14:58Excellent detective work.
14:59We are such an amazing team.
15:00Phenomenal.
15:01You need to have sex with Tom.
15:03Oh, God.
15:04Yes.
15:05Well remembered.
15:06I saw the time on Andrew's phone.
15:08I'll see you very soon.
15:09Good luck.
15:10Good luck.
15:11Oh, for fuck's sake, Stephen, you heinous twat.
15:20Really?
15:21Oh, this is going to be so fun.
15:22Come along.
15:27Jesus Christ.
15:28The oceans are warming quicker than this fucking pan.
15:33Hi.
15:34I'm just moving in.
15:35And we're sharing his burden.
15:36Can we come in?
15:41Oh.
15:42Is that water meant to be boiling?
15:43Leave the lid on.
15:44That's ten minutes of boiling time.
15:46I'll never get back.
15:47It doesn't look like anything is happening.
15:48Something is happening.
15:49Boiling is happening.
15:50I'm making pasta.
15:51I just wanted to check that you're still cool about living here while I take the room above the pub.
15:56Said I was, didn't I?
15:57Yes, but I'm just giving you a chance to change your mind.
16:00It doesn't make you feel claustrophobic?
16:02No.
16:03It would have to be small to make me feel like that.
16:05So you don't mind Andrew sleeping in your old bed, with no doubt the occasional companion?
16:09I'm totally fine with it.
16:10This really has no heat in it at all, Stephen.
16:12Don't you try to baptise me.
16:13Keep those fingers away.
16:14Don't you surreptitiously baptise me.
16:16I wouldn't do that.
16:17Baptise him, Julian, quick.
16:18Fuck off.
16:19Save him from the pits.
16:20Save him with the pasta water.
16:21No.
16:22Don't you fucking dare touch me with your fucking Christ fingers.
16:24Don't you fucking dare.
16:26I can't perform a non-consensual baptism, Ellen.
16:28I only want to save you, Stephen.
16:29I think you take to the church.
16:31You like cubs.
16:32I agree with Julian.
16:33Aggravated baptism is a non-runner.
16:34Now, will you all please leave my lovely home?
16:38I've got to start softening an onion now if I want to get to bed by 2am.
16:55This has disaster written all over it.
17:04Oh, God, Stephen, you have to try the grilled cheese.
17:11Seb does the best grilled cheese this side of NYC.
17:14Hey, I'd say it's the best including NYC.
17:16Yeah, well, I've spent a lot of time in NYC and maybe you're right.
17:19It's a great town, isn't it?
17:21Central Park.
17:22Amazing.
17:23Right in the centre there.
17:24Greenwich Village.
17:25The Brooklyn.
17:26Bronx.
17:27Uptown.
17:28Downtown.
17:29Eastside.
17:30All the sides.
17:31You've never been to New York, have you Cass?
17:32Not literally, but you can still feel the vibe.
17:34This is incredible grilled cheese, Stephen.
17:36Try it.
17:37It's cheese and bread, Geoff.
17:38How wonderful can it be?
17:45See, it's amazing, isn't it?
17:47How do you make it taste like it does?
17:50I make my own sourdough with spelt flour.
17:52Started from a local bakery that dates back 40 years.
17:55Cheese is a unique sheep's cheddar which I make in small batches.
17:58I really like it.
17:59I quite like cheese on toast.
18:02I quite like this.
18:03I'm not very hungry, though.
18:05I just did a roast in the static.
18:07This is such an amazing event, Andrew.
18:09Laurie would have loved it.
18:11You know, for the first time since he died, I think...
18:15I'm happy.
18:17Oh, thank you.
18:19You're welcome.
18:20I say roast.
18:21I haven't got an oven, so I boiled the chicken on the hob.
18:24It took a while, but it was cooked through.
18:26Why don't people boil chickens any more?
18:29Probably the smell.
18:31Tasty, though.
18:32She misses you, you know?
18:33Aye.
18:34She misses you.
18:35You think so?
18:36I know so.
18:37I know so.
18:38I sometimes wonder if she...
18:39She can't smell you at night.
18:40That's what it is.
18:41So she whines.
18:42Oh, the dog.
18:43Right.
18:44It's pitiful.
18:45I try to comfort her, but I'm no substitute for you.
18:47What the fuck?
18:48Oi!
18:49Oi!
18:50Stop that!
18:51That's my...
18:52Hang on!
18:53What are you doing?
18:54Toilet.
18:55What do you mean, toilet?
18:56This isn't a toilet.
18:57This isn't a toilet.
18:58No.
18:59No.
19:00No.
19:01No.
19:02No.
19:03No.
19:04No.
19:05No.
19:06No.
19:07No.
19:08No.
19:09No.
19:10No.
19:11No.
19:12This isn't a toilet.
19:13People are using a toilet in there.
19:15There is a toilet in there.
19:16But this isn't a toilet.
19:17This isn't a public toilet.
19:18This is my home.
19:19You live here?
19:20Yes.
19:21In this caravan?
19:22Yes.
19:23It's very big.
19:24Come on!
19:25On your way!
19:26Move along!
19:27There a loser in the pub!
19:28This is someone's home here!
19:29Poor fucker.
19:30It's very nice inside.
19:31Not anymore, mate.
19:32Looks like a gift shop at the Turb Museum.
19:35We are so pleased that so many of you have come today.
19:51Mate.
19:53Tom, hi.
19:54Great festival.
19:56Right.
19:57Any chance you could do me a favour?
19:58Sure, go ahead.
20:00Al and me, we've mistimed things.
20:02Got talking to the Welsh dim sum guy.
20:03Forgot about the time.
20:05And do you know where our egg time has gone off?
20:08Ovaries like big satsumas need to, you know, more or less right now.
20:13No time to get home.
20:14Say no more.
20:15Go ahead.
20:16You use the caravan for a while.
20:19It might smell a bit of shit and boiled chicken.
20:21I'll make myself scarce.
20:23Actually, you can stay and keep guard, could you, mate?
20:25Saw some people using it as a toilet earlier.
20:27We don't need them banging on the door when we're trying.
20:29No.
20:30Dimey, nightmare, of course.
20:32Nice one.
20:33Not nice one.
20:34Hi.
20:35Thanks so much.
20:36No problemo.
20:37Sorry about all the smells.
20:40Cheers, mate.
20:40And we'll be quiet.
20:41Well, Alison is pretty quiet in that regard anyway.
20:45Is she?
20:46Isn't she?
20:47Anyway, you weren't here much with the music and the tractor display and all that caper.
20:51Just a sec.
20:51It's great, this, isn't it?
21:02Thank all my Christmases have come at once, Jan.
21:07By which I mean enormously disorientating.
21:16We tried the grilled cheese.
21:19Could you maybe leave me alone, Jan?
21:21The festival made a loss.
21:39We actively lost money.
21:41Well, it might not have made a profit on your grey spreadsheet, Alan and Sugar, but it feels
21:45like it did because of the amazing vibe.
21:47It made a profit in goodwill, Stephen.
21:50Let's agree to differ.
21:51What?
21:52Agree to differ, mate?
21:53No, you can't.
21:54This isn't about opinions.
21:56It's about facts.
21:57That's everything secured.
21:59We'll do the clear-up in the morning.
22:00I'm going to take myself upstairs to bed.
22:02Brilliant day, Andrew.
22:04Yes, fantastic festival.
22:06Top work, boy.
22:07Top work.
22:08Thanks.
22:08I fear we might not have made a literal profit.
22:11It's only money.
22:13Thanks for your enthusiasm, guys.
22:14Night all.
22:15Night-night.
22:16Night.
22:16Night.
22:17I'm going to bed, too.
22:18Good night, love.
22:20Your hand's wet.
22:21Is it?
22:22Wait, were you...
22:23Do you think you've just baptised me?
22:25No, love.
22:25Because you haven't baptised me.
22:27You have no power to baptise me.
22:29I know.
22:30I didn't baptise you.
22:32You go off to bed, love.
22:33I'm not baptised.
22:34Of course you're not.
22:36When I die, my brain will be starved of oxygen,
22:39and everything I am, everything I've ever thought or felt,
22:41every memory I have, ends forever.
22:44Of course it does.
22:46You have a lovely sleep.
22:55You can't judge a book by looking at the cover of it.
23:19Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
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