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00:00I
00:30There's a mark. I can see it on that show. Get down there and lick it.
00:35Oh, God. You'll spit on it, then, and ram it hard.
00:39Madame, madame, listen, I'd better warn you that there is a brand-new dance
00:44and everyone in there will be doing it.
00:47What's it called? It's called the vomiter.
00:50Do I live it? No, you don't, but it's very easy to learn.
00:53Even a drunk alibut could learn it.
00:54Oh, well, sure.
00:56Give me a demonstration. Come on.
01:00The set.
01:01Civil play.
01:03Right, good.
01:05Now, ready?
01:05And it's one step, two step, courtesy to your partner.
01:11One, two, five. Do you see?
01:13And then step your foot like this,
01:15and then your hands like that,
01:16and make them apart.
01:18Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.
01:19Smack your partner's cheeks like this,
01:21make your face blum, blum, blum, blum, blum.
01:22And then get a hold of them,
01:24and lift them round really fast like that.
01:27Now you do it all again.
01:30I think I'll sit that one out, actually.
01:33You can't do that.
01:35You've got to be seen doing all the most fashionable things.
01:37You know what we thought of as oldie worldie, do you?
01:40No, I'm not.
01:41You are wearing the latest in cervical accoutrement.
01:44What are you doing?
01:46Necklace.
01:47Oh, the necklace.
01:47Yes.
01:48All right, yes.
01:48When Madame La Plange sees that necklace,
01:51she's going to be green with envy.
01:53Yes, green with envy.
01:53No, puse, actually.
01:54Completely puse.
01:55Yes, solid.
01:56Work it into the dance.
01:57Shall I?
01:57Show the necklace.
01:58Oh, all right.
01:58Show the necklace.
02:00Listen to my mistress.
02:02You go in there,
02:03and you dance,
02:04dance,
02:05dance like the flunky bitch you know you are.
02:07Go and dance the vomiter.
02:09I trust we are all vomiting.
02:15Poor breeding and no bleeding brains.
02:20Well, Madame.
02:21What, well, Monsieur?
02:27Set.
02:28Set.
02:30Continue, continue.
02:34So there you are, prepared to be.
02:37Yes.
02:37Hello, La Plange.
02:40Ah, my dear Columbine,
02:42I'm quite exhausted.
02:44So many eager young dancing partners,
02:46I feared my legs would very soon give way.
02:49Oh, my, my, my dear,
02:51you look glorious.
02:54And such an exquisite,
02:56gainty,
02:57understated little necklace.
02:59I hope your jeweller not to waste his off-cats.
03:04Is that your daughter?
03:05Amour?
03:06Yes, my dear Evelyne,
03:07so light on her feet,
03:09even with the Chevalier de la Cosse
03:11and upper skirt.
03:13Evelyne!
03:14With your permission.
03:16Evelyne!
03:17Ah!
03:23Madame Diplon.
03:26I'm a contrast for myself.
03:27I'm going to have to get loads more hazel,
03:30Cindy Beans and bolster them up from there.
03:32I thought I'd show them this time.
03:33I was going to call yesterday,
03:34I've been pecked up by blue tits.
03:36I'm richer than her, aren't I?
03:38Of course you are.
03:40Madame's richer than everyone,
03:41and anyone who says she isn't is a dirty, filthy liar.
03:44It's not in there.
03:46I was meant to feel,
03:47yes, this petite.
03:49No!
03:50Well, yes, she did, you know.
03:51Oh, that must have been terrible.
03:53Well, yes, that was awful.
03:53She didn't.
03:54She did.
03:54No, she did.
03:55Did she?
03:55Yes, she did.
03:56She did.
03:56Yes, she did.
03:57I'm telling you that she did.
03:58No, she did.
03:59Oh, that must have been terrible.
04:00Yes, no, was it?
04:01Oh, no.
04:02Yes!
04:02No.
04:03I was never again to be caught looking poorer than other people.
04:10No more small jewellery.
04:12Is she going?
04:13I haven't mentioned it yet.
04:15Well, I have to know.
04:19Waiting to sit.
04:21Oh.
04:24Look, such a function requires many hours of wardrobeial disagreement,
04:29weeks to be rejected,
04:30footwear lobbed at the wall,
04:34undergarments dispensed with...
04:36Function?
04:37What function?
04:38Well, I don't know if you've noticed,
04:40but I've been very busy preparing le petit déjeuner.
04:43That's breakfast to you.
04:44Do you think this trout just ripped out its own giblets
04:47and poached itself?
04:49After a year swimming in raw sewage, yes.
04:52Well, it didn't because...
04:53Sorry.
04:57What am I telling me what's going on here?
04:59Madam has received a most gracious invitation
05:02to a very unusual royal...
05:04thing.
05:07Thing? What thing?
05:08Occasion.
05:10Event.
05:12Basically, to watch Mary Antoinette and His Majesty
05:15express their love for each other.
05:19You know, point Percy at the porcupine.
05:21Jouer au cachet la saucisse.
05:28Have it all.
05:29Oh, doi, moi, yes!
05:33This is some kind of subversive, revolutionary joke, monsieur,
05:36because if it is, I am not in the mood.
05:38Well, someone obviously is.
05:41What's your...
05:41We may have to go there and watch them.
05:45I've got off that fish.
05:47Would you take the fish?
05:48I believe it to be something of an exercise
05:50in open government.
05:52Well, after all, every French person
05:54does have the right to watch the royal couple
05:56eat or sleep.
05:58I did once go to one of their toilet displays.
06:02What?
06:03It wasn't very good.
06:05Not a long queue for that,
06:07I wouldn't have thought.
06:08No, it's just me.
06:11She'd come to think of it,
06:12but I don't think I was supposed to be there.
06:15Still, it's His Majesty's way
06:17of getting closer to the people.
06:19Closer.
06:20I thought the whole point of being king
06:22was you didn't have to go to any other bloody people.
06:25Only 90% of them smell bad enough
06:27to keep the English at bay.
06:30Probably not your family, is it?
06:34I've got nothing against the poor, you know that.
06:38I mean, crab lice have to breed somewhere.
06:42No one's laughing at that, mistress.
06:47I mean, if they're just going to throw
06:49the gates of the palace open
06:50to anyone with a tapeworm and gangrene,
06:52where's the advantage in being an aristocrat?
06:55There isn't one, is there?
06:58No, none at all.
07:00Profiterole?
07:03Yes, I...
07:04I just want you to...
07:07puncture one so I can suck out the cream.
07:09Oh, that awful book!
07:10Oh, yeah, I've read that.
07:11Oh, that awful book!
07:12Oh, that awful book!
07:13Oh, that awful book!
07:14Oh, that awful book!
07:27Oh, that awful book!
07:28Oh, that awful book!
07:28...and, I quote...
07:30According to a recent anonymous, controversial and indeed scurrilous biography...
07:35Oh, that awful book! Oh, yeah, I've read that, yeah.
07:37She is, and I quote,
07:39an ugly Austrian slut who has cuckolded the king
07:43with every living Frenchman and six dead ones, yes.
07:47Why don't we do some royalties from that? How's it doing?
07:50Well, it's a number one blockbuster area in France, but it flopped in Vienna.
07:53Consequently, she wishes to be seen loving the king by as many subjects as possible.
08:01Sort of royal command performance, but with laughs.
08:04I hope without audience participation.
08:08I mean, you know, he's all right, but I wouldn't touch her with a toasting fork, is it?
08:12It simply says, répondez, s'il vous plaît.
08:15Yes, well, check that. That could be anything.
08:17What time's curtain up?
08:19Seven of the clock.
08:21Oh.
08:21And if I know his majesty, that's carriages at two minutes past.
08:25LAUGHTER
08:26What?
08:28LAUGHTER
08:29LAUGHTER
08:30Madame?
08:33Mm?
08:34Profiterole?
08:37LAUGHTER
08:38APPLAUSE
08:39A royal invitation?
08:43Yes!
08:44LAUGHTER
08:44Then I must wear my...
08:49pink dress, yes.
08:51for the red, though charming,
08:53I believe is a sign of a degenerate and loose prostitute.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58I just hate any man to think me loose.
09:02Indeed, the Chevalier de la Coste found me quite the opposite.
09:05You, Evelyne, are not going.
09:08I could, of course, wear the blue, which says nothing at all about one's sexual history, and therefore may be even worn at funerals.
09:16Evelyne!
09:17White, I'm afraid, would now be dishonest.
09:21Evelyne, my dear, you will not be accompanying me.
09:25But, Mamour...
09:26No!
09:26Surely this would be an ideal opportunity to formally present me to the king?
09:31No, but the king is going to be busy.
09:33Marie Antoinette, then?
09:35No, she'll most certainly have her eyes shut.
09:37Mamour!
09:38LAUGHTER
09:38You are not going, Evelyne.
09:41And that is the end of the matter.
09:42If you wish to see their majesties, the public have been invited to watch them eat.
09:46I cannot be formally presented if they both have their mouths full.
09:50Precisely.
09:51I hate you, Mamour.
09:53I hate you and everything you lie down for.
09:55Go to your room, Evelyne.
09:57And don't come out until you have learned to control your tongue.
10:01Ah!
10:02Powder!
10:03Powder me!
10:03Powder!
10:05Powder!
10:06Mm!
10:08Ooh!
10:08Ooh!
10:09Ha-ha-ha-ha!
10:11Mm!
10:11LAUGHTER
10:12It's impossible!
10:16I mean, what does one wear to a copulation?
10:19Well, apparently no-one's allowed to wear anything that might upstage the royal couple.
10:23Oh, there's not much chance of that, I'd have thought.
10:25No, she's got a pair of hams on her.
10:27You couldn't smoke with a forest fire.
10:29No, it's the only person I intend to upstage is Madame de Plange.
10:32I trust she's been invited.
10:34Only to the matinee.
10:36Oh.
10:37How are?
10:37How are the matinee?
10:39Afternoon show.
10:40Oh, right.
10:41Apparently they're expecting such a big turnout,
10:43they've put on an early show for the students and Moutelet de Guerre,
10:47followed by nibbles and wine,
10:49and a late show for the critics.
10:51Well, I think I should go to the matinee.
10:53No, no, no, no, Madame is far too important.
10:56Yeah.
10:57Oh, no, not to stay, but just to be seen as sort of passing through,
11:00wishing their Majesty's luck, you know,
11:03wearing something rather splendid
11:05and fanning myself with my evening invitation for Madame de Plange.
11:09Is Madame's chagrin not leading her even further down the avenue de folly?
11:15This rivalry with Madame de Plange.
11:21Rivalry?
11:22There's no rivalry, Monsieur.
11:23She's not my equal.
11:25But if I should be seen there wearing the biggest jewellery money can buy,
11:29you know, that is not the avenue de folly, Monsieur.
11:35Something hilarious coming up now.
11:37There, that is the rude awakening.
11:43There it is.
11:46No, but you see, I can't wear these.
11:48These are awful.
11:48No, I can't wear these.
11:49I need something else.
11:50No, you don't want to wear one of his frocks, do you?
11:52No, no, no.
11:52You won't wear something special.
11:54Big, Monsieur.
11:55Yeah, I'll get my nan to run something up for you.
11:59Yes, and I might run something up your nan.
12:02It says here, matinee.
12:07Yes.
12:08Do you know who I am?
12:14No.
12:16Everyone who is anyone has been invited to the evening performance.
12:22Well, I suppose there could conceivably have been a mistake.
12:27You are?
12:28Madame de Plange.
12:30No, no, no.
12:31Your title.
12:32Madame de Plange.
12:37Baroness to somewhere.
12:39Marquise to somewhere else.
12:41Mother superior.
12:44The king has promised me a marvellously important, grand title.
12:49He's just waiting for someone to die.
12:51No, I'm afraid the evening performance is for high aristocracy only.
12:55I demand you change my invitation.
12:58And why, madam, would I do that?
13:02She's going to die.
13:06I'm telling you, she's just going to die.
13:22Oh, she's just going to die.
13:25Oh, she's just going to die.
13:27Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
13:28Are you trying to die with me?
13:30Here we go.
13:30Here we go.
13:34Careful.
13:36Careful.
13:36Bend slightly.
13:39Yes, you through.
13:41Oh
13:50Monsieur next door, please quickly got half an hour before we'll be there
13:54And
14:07Not much further now through the orange grove
14:12Parade and the doors are quite wide from there on in
14:18May I say for Columbine contest of ass
14:24I
14:27See you. This is the matter now, isn't it?
14:34Just damaged people here
14:37Oh the way we've I think Madame de plonge has got word of your stunning presence and she's run off like some frightened snake in the grass back
14:44We're down entirely like
14:47Come on. I'll have to go back then if she's not here. All right reverse
14:50Reverse. Reverse. No, I know you'll have to turn me. You'll have to turn me. All right, we'll do a three-pointer
14:54Ready? Going round.
14:56Another way! Pheasant soldiers out of the way!
14:58Hello!
15:00Oh, oh! Hey, let's do
15:02I'm just passing by to say good luck. Break a leg
15:06You don't want to watch it?
15:12Watch it! Watch it!
15:14I suppose we have to stay an hour, do we?
15:17I think we're here for the duration now
15:19I'll save us having to come again later
15:22Oh, oh! Would you like to sit down, Madame?
15:24Yes
15:25Right, take the weight, take the weight
15:26I've got it
15:27Move it
15:28Er, Monsieur, Monsieur
15:29Oh!
15:30Oh!
15:31Oh!
15:32Oh!
15:33There you go
15:34Oh!
15:35Oh!
15:36Oh!
15:37Oh!
15:38Oh!
15:39I trust that was your crutch
15:40Oh!
15:41Oh!
15:42Oh!
15:43Oh!
15:44Oh!
15:45I'm not starting off with a solo, I hope, is she?
15:54Of course, in Austria, this would never happen.
15:58We might not do it so frequently,
16:01but when one is up for it,
16:03one would never be kept waiting, waiting.
16:07Waiting.
16:08Oh, bless.
16:11Perhaps His Majesty has been detained.
16:13That is a thought.
16:17The king, as you know, is a most enthusiastic weaver.
16:22What? No, I didn't catch it.
16:25Weaving, weaving.
16:27Weave, weave!
16:29Weave, la reine!
16:30Weave!
16:32Majesty is also an expert locksmith.
16:35Was?
16:37A person, what makes locks?
16:39Yeah, but even with him,
16:42a good woppenschlobben would normally come first.
16:47One cup.
16:50Perhaps we should pass round the pickles.
16:53Oh.
16:54But I, Majesty, I'm crying.
16:58Do you know their majesties, Monsieur Buffon?
17:00Not personally.
17:02Very strange.
17:03The Marquise de Montpellier assured me
17:06you were intimately acquainted with every queen in Europe.
17:11I expect that was just some reference
17:13to you being a flamboyant homosexual.
17:18Oh, dear.
17:19Now I have no-one to formally present me to the king.
17:22My maw is, of course, unable, being only a madame de.
17:26Though I could pay.
17:27Mamsel has money.
17:31I do.
17:32My father, who's sadly not known to me
17:35and indeed only a vague blur to my mother,
17:38sent him a large fortune,
17:41in exchange for which I must conceal my existence
17:43from his wife and promise to go abroad.
17:45When will you be leaving?
17:47Yes, Silly.
17:48I've just been.
17:50Two weeks in Spain.
17:52Then I think I may be able to help you.
17:59Here we go.
18:00One last mouthful ready.
18:02Here it comes.
18:03Here it comes.
18:04Here it comes.
18:04Oh, I missed.
18:06Here it comes.
18:07Here it comes.
18:08Here it comes again.
18:08Down the hatch to the basement.
18:13Fancy not turning up.
18:15Yes, what would you?
18:16I mean, the queen's no picture, is she?
18:18No, I mean, madame de Plonge.
18:19Oh, yeah.
18:20Naturally, madame de Plonge was not there.
18:24She's going to the evening performance.
18:29What?
18:30Just what?
18:32Her invitation has been changed.
18:34Oh, oh, oh!
18:35No, it was gone!
18:36I don't know!
18:37I don't know!
18:37I don't know!
18:38I don't know!
18:38I don't know!
18:39I don't know!
18:39I don't know!
18:40I don't know!
18:40I don't know!
18:40I don't know!
18:41I don't know!
18:41What time is it?
18:42What time is it?
18:42Six of the clock.
18:43Oh, six!
18:44Wait!
18:45Wait!
18:45Wait!
18:45Wait!
18:46Wait!
18:46Goals!
18:46Can this be done?
18:47Yes, it can be done!
18:50No!
18:51It can not be done!
18:52No!
18:53It can not be done!
18:54No!
18:55It can not be done!
18:56No!
18:57It can not be done!
19:03No!
19:04It can not be done!
19:05What time is it now?
19:06Half past six.
19:07Well, I demand to be standing by seven of the o'clock!
19:11What, today?
19:12Of course!
19:13Quickly!
19:14Quickly!
19:15Quickly!
19:16Quickly!
19:17We have to get this!
19:18Madame, I beg you not to go out in public looking like that!
19:22But I have to embarrass Madame de Plange!
19:24She must be paid back tenfold, Monsieur!
19:26Don't you realise that?
19:27Where has he been for the last 24 hours?
19:28Where have you been?
19:29Where have you been?
19:30A number of places!
19:31Oh, he's been everywhere!
19:32He's been all over!
19:33Oh, well, you know, I was gravely insulted, Monsieur!
19:45Gravely insulted?
19:46Yeah, I am cognizant of that!
19:48Oh, are you?
19:49Oh, he's cognizant of that!
19:50We'd all like to be cognizant, wouldn't we?
19:52I'd love to be cognorized!
19:53Yes, all right!
19:54I'd love to be cognorized!
19:55All I need is a lovely expert cognorizationist!
19:57Will you shut the fuck up!
19:59At the back there, it's undone!
20:03Oh, I see, oh, I see!
20:08Onward, onward, onward, onward!
20:10Mistress, please!
20:11Surely the thing to do is to publicly embarrass Madame de Plange
20:14in the same way that she embarrassed my lady.
20:16But if you go out looking like that,
20:18you'll simply embarrass yourself and me
20:20and the entire reputation of Maison Bouffant!
20:23Well, do you have a better idea, Monsieur?
20:25Hmm?
20:26Well, come on, speak plain into the purpose, do you?
20:28Yes.
20:29Well, I'm listening!
20:30It's not anything!
20:31Can I walk?
20:33If Madame will promise to remove that tent and burn it,
20:38I will ensure that Madame makes a vulgarly large amount of money,
20:42embarrasses Madame de Plange
20:43and has her expelled from the Palace of Versailles
20:45for the rest of her days.
20:47Would Madame like that?
20:49Yes, burn the dress!
20:51They say we have to leave the queue, dear.
21:01We don't have titles.
21:02Yes, we do, dear.
21:04I'm little Madame Smackybots,
21:07and you are vicious vixen voluptuous.
21:09Yes, I thought it best not to tell them that, dear.
21:12What shall we do, dear?
21:13Naughty piddly panty boys having a surprise cheese and flagellation party.
21:19You know I don't like cheese, dear.
21:22Of course yourself, dear.
21:24Ahem.
21:25Can I come?
21:26Yes, of course.
21:27Oh!
21:28Anyone else?
21:29Yes!
21:30Oh-ho!
21:31What a move in there!
21:32Oh!
21:33Title?
21:34Marquis de Beaujolais.
21:36Oh.
21:37A fruity little number, isn't it?
21:40How do you know that was him?
21:41Beaujolais, vintners droop.
21:43Hello.
21:44Hello.
21:45Hello.
21:46Ah, title, title.
21:48Chevalier in Normandy.
21:49Oh.
21:50What about him?
21:52Ah, yeah.
21:54Quite good on the beach.
21:55Flags alarmingly inland.
21:56Well, you're required to taste my food, you know, Lisette.
21:59I do it for you, Madame.
22:01Do you think I want to sleep with hundreds of gorgeous hunks above my station?
22:06Ah, Baroness.
22:08Hello.
22:09Title?
22:10Comtes de Beaujolais.
22:11Oh-ho-ho-ho.
22:12I think you are not Comtes de Beaujolais.
22:14I think you are a plain old Madame de Plonge and therefore not entitled to enter the Royal
22:27Chambre accouché.
22:28Goodbye.
22:29Then you are ill-informed, you tiresome little slut.
22:33I am not little.
22:36His Majesty has just confirmed on me the title of Comtes de Beaujolais and I shall enter
22:43wherever I damn well get the urge to enter.
22:46Ha-ha-ha.
22:47Touché, I believe.
22:48Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
22:50How exciting.
22:51I am to be formally presented to the King.
22:52Is it the dumb thing to kiss him on both cheeks?
22:53Yes, but never on the face.
22:54Curtain!
22:55Curtain!
22:56Curtain!
22:57Curtain!
22:58Madame la Comptesse.
22:59How can I ever thank you enough?
23:00I have the money.
23:01Sure.
23:02The curtain!
23:03Big trouble.
23:04Madame, I am most dreadfully sorry.
23:10There was just the timiest little putty problemette.
23:11Contest!
23:12Contest!
23:13The bivouac!
23:14She has just made my mistress look an absolute booby and a buffoon.
23:15She's the palace baboon!
23:16I'm ashamed to know her!
23:17I mean, bivouac, where is bivouac?
23:18I've never heard of it.
23:19I don't believe it exists.
23:20Well, it must exist, Monsieur, because she is not the company.
23:21The curtain!
23:22The curtain!
23:23The curtain!
23:24Big trouble.
23:25Madame, I am most dreadfully sorry.
23:26There was just the timiest little putty problemette.
23:27Contest!
23:28Contest!
23:29The bivouac!
23:30She has just made my mistress look an absolute booby and a buffoon.
23:33She's the palace baboon!
23:34I'm ashamed to know her!
23:35What's that, you're brilliant?
23:36You mean bivouac?
23:37Where is bivouac?
23:38I've never heard of it.
23:39I don't believe it exists.
23:41Well, it must exist, Monsieur, because she is not the contest of it.
23:44She simply bought the title from His Majesty.
23:47She bought it?
23:50Yes.
23:51And if we make haste, I think we'll find she's paying for it even as we speak.
23:56Come on, curtain!
23:59Oh, curtain!
24:00Oh, your majesty!
24:03Oh, dear!
24:05Oh, your majesty!
24:07I can...explain everything!
24:22It's...
24:23Louis!
24:24How court you!
24:26Would this be an appropriate moment, your majesty, to formally introduce Evelyne de Plange,
24:31your dear?
24:32The daughter of this woman, monsieur!
24:35What is not a contest no longer?
24:37Und is banished forever from the palace of...
24:41What is the name of the place?
24:43The side, the side.
24:44Palace of...
24:45The...
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25:10I
25:35Return Columbine for the time is now when all of France shall rise up
25:40feel sure my dear that by the time it is half up you will be sitting on it i don't believe
25:47your majesty we've been formally introduced i feel sure this would never happen in austria
26:00i pined for austria madame i wish i was back in salzburg we all wish you are
26:12what is happening the price of bread has gone up your marriage
26:18eat cake i said let them eat cake
26:23who is it you see i don't think you should have said that
26:39oh
27:05you
27:09You
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