- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00What's this?
00:03That's nothing to do with you.
00:04It's got my name on it.
00:06Adoption certificate.
00:30Blimey, Brian.
00:36This sounds like the worst day out of all time.
00:38Steam museums, country walks.
00:39You're going to bore your friends shitless.
00:41They're not my friends.
00:42As I've tried to explain on countless occasions,
00:44they are my children.
00:46My children?
00:48It's like he owned you, innit, girls?
00:50I sort of do own them.
00:51I created them.
00:52Yeah, they're robots.
00:53You built them in your mad shed, did you,
00:56Professor Plink Plonk?
00:57I need we.
00:58What a surprise.
00:59Lucy, take your sister to the toilet.
01:01Do I have to?
01:02Yes, and hurry up.
01:03We've got a lot to cram in today.
01:04I don't want to go to a boring museum anyway.
01:07Come on, then.
01:10I don't know what the hell's wrong with that child.
01:12Brian, you're going to the library later.
01:15Books aren't for the weekend.
01:16They're a last resort.
01:17Why aren't you in your shop?
01:18Shouldn't Saturday be your busiest day?
01:20Never mind about me.
01:21What are we going to do with these girls?
01:23Maybe we could go to the pub for a couple of cheeky gins.
01:25I didn't want to be this direct, but I'm going to ask you.
01:27Do you know what a child is?
01:31Well, you're not going to believe this.
01:34Here we go.
01:37Adopted?
01:37Adopted?
01:38Adopted!
01:39All these years, I knew something wasn't right.
01:42I told you.
01:43I told you I didn't belong in that weird family.
01:45Oh, God, I'm lost!
01:47Oi!
01:48There you are.
01:49We've been looking for you all night.
01:52Why would you be worried about me?
01:53You're not my mother.
01:54You stayed out all night.
01:56Not my business, but if you'd been my lad,
01:59I'd have run you over and fed your shattered body to the crow.
02:02Well, do it.
02:02You may well be my dad, for all I know.
02:04Or did you use a sperm donor?
02:06Daniel!
02:08Oh, your dad would be so upset to hear you say that.
02:12He had more than enough sperm.
02:15Too much in many ways.
02:17You've got the wrong end of the stick, as usual.
02:20You are not adopted.
02:22What?
02:22Tell him, Polly.
02:24We tried to have you adopted.
02:27You tried?
02:30Yes.
02:32Your dad and I were very young,
02:34and we found a couple, but they...
02:37They gave you back.
02:41Could I say something?
02:45I think that is the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard.
02:50And I think that is the funniest thing I have ever heard.
03:20Come on, Dan. It's good news. You're not adopted.
03:28Yeah, but now I'm going to be haunted, aren't I?
03:30What would my life have been like with them?
03:32I have to ask them, Jo.
03:34Dan, you just have to let that go.
03:36It's like Mum always says, what's the point in asking what shape the world is?
03:40It doesn't matter. It's just one of those things we will never know.
03:45I've got their address, though.
03:47They live in South End.
03:48No way. I've never been to the seaside.
03:53Girls! Fancy ditching that boredom festival going to the seaside?
03:57Yeah!
03:58No, absolutely not.
04:00Yes! We're going to the seaside! We're going to the seaside!
04:03It's round, by the way.
04:04We're going to the seaside!
04:06The world is round.
04:12I mean, what's the damn point? You're going to America, sir.
04:16To right wrongs, of course.
04:18Don't you see?
04:20We've got the wrong destiny.
04:22I can't go away without finding out what might have been.
04:25All I see is your insanity ruining my day.
04:29Well, the kids don't seem too upset about it.
04:31It's almost as if they'd rather go to the seaside than have their own father murder aboard them.
04:34I know what this is about, you know.
04:39I know why you don't want to go to the seaside.
04:41Say it.
04:44Say it!
04:44I will not tolerate sand in this vehicle, all right? I just won't.
04:49You got boyfriends?
04:50No.
04:51All right, you don't want to leave it too long. Your biological clock's ticking.
04:54I'm only four.
04:55My pet guinea pig had 14 kids by the time she was two. Think on.
04:59Lucy, you're very short. We can cheat that. Two words. Hairspray, backcombing. Get the hair big, accessorised with whatever you can get your hands on. Your scrunchies, your clips, your corsages.
05:11A fascinator made of tinfoil? Better than being ignored.
05:14They're children!
05:17I need the wee.
05:18Absolutely no chance. We're only an hour away.
05:20Brian, we both know my bladder. You throw in numbers at it will only make it panic.
05:24I need the wee too!
05:25Great. Now look what you've done. You're in dominoes.
05:27Well, I'm not taking her.
05:35Please tell me you're not reverse parking.
05:37You'll thank me later.
05:38Brian, you're the high priest of boring.
05:41Come on. Quick as you like.
05:52Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa there. Ian Beale.
05:54Is there a problem?
05:55Yes, there is a problem. You're not going into the girls' toilets.
05:57I'm taking my daughter in.
05:58You're not, I'm afraid. It's not right.
06:00What? A single parent accompanying a dependent minor into the restroom?
06:03You're not a female, sir. You'd like to go through gender reassignment. I'd be delighted to give you access to the female lavages.
06:08This is ridiculous.
06:09You think that's ridiculous?
06:10I'll tell you what's ridiculous.
06:12Having to wake up at 4am to do security at a service station 70 miles from your own home because you've got a wife that can't stop buying candles!
06:22Where's Lucy?
06:26Christ, that child. Don't. Take Daisy in, please. Don't forget her hands.
06:31I should be, Brian. I've used ladies before.
06:34And Ian Beale has never moustached.
06:35She did, but I watched it!
06:40Come on. We're leaving.
06:42I'm not there, mate.
06:44They've got everyone. Larry, Lance, Laura, Matty, Mark, Joe. They've got everyone.
06:49There's no Dan. They've been erased.
06:51Christ, does it matter?
06:52I'll just pick one.
06:54There. I'm Preston.
06:56Do you think they might have called me Preston?
07:01I don't care.
07:02I'll just get a few.
07:03Joe!
07:04Don't worry. This time, I remembered the hands.
07:05What possessed me? That's all coming off. Your mother will lose her mind.
07:07Can we just go now, Dan?
07:08No, we cannot. I have to make your sister look less like a prostitute. Come back here.
07:12Lucy!
07:13Oh, they sell wellies. Wellies.
07:16Wellies.
07:17Wellies.
07:18Wellies.
07:19Wellies.
07:20Wellies.
07:21Wellies.
07:22Wellies.
07:23Wellies.
07:24Wellies.
07:25I don't care.
07:26I don't care.
07:27I'll just get a few.
07:28Joe!
07:29Don't worry.
07:30Don't worry.
07:31This time, I remembered the hands.
07:32I remembered the hands.
07:33Looks like Ian Beale's kids have gone off the rails.
07:37It's time to pay the ferryman!
07:40It's okay, Lucy. Easy mistake.
07:43I didn't find out about money till I was 20.
07:46Ronald saw it.
07:47Joe.
07:48I've got the strangest feeling about what's going to happen next.
07:51I don't think I can stop it either.
07:54What are you doing? Get in the back.
08:04Brian, you're not going to like this.
08:06But honestly, it's bigger than me.
08:09What?
08:10Well, you're going to want to go home now, and...
08:13I know you're going to be mad, but...
08:18We've decided we're taking the scenic.
08:20With your kids still in it.
08:22Go to Southam without you.
08:24No!
08:25You can't!
08:26I know.
08:27It's weird, isn't it?
08:29Oh.
08:30I'm Brian.
08:31Thanks for reverse parking.
08:33Look!
08:34Girls!
08:35You're not part of this meeting, eh?
08:45No!
08:54Don't look so worried.
08:56You've got to tell Mum.
08:58This is boring.
08:59It doesn't mean to be loose.
09:01It's just grown-ups.
09:02You should make up some games if you're bored.
09:04Like what?
09:05Just pretend.
09:06I used to pretend I was a robot.
09:07It was wicked fun.
09:08I'll get kept out of normal lessons for nearly a year.
09:18Funny to think they might be in there now.
09:21Huddled around a fire.
09:23Talking about the day they gave me away.
09:25Do you want us to come with you?
09:27No.
09:28I need to do this on my own.
09:30I think there's going to be some pretty high emotion when we start talking about the lost years.
09:34No worries.
09:35Me and the girls go to the beach.
09:36Can we ever ride on a donkey?
09:38I've just been researching them.
09:39Half dog, half horse.
09:41What's not to like?
09:42I like the seaside!
09:43Yeah!
09:44Yeah!
09:45Yeah!
09:46I like the seaside!
09:55Can I build a big hole?
09:56No, no problem.
10:00Mum?
10:01Dad?
10:02It's me.
10:03I'm home.
10:05Mum?
10:06Dad?
10:07Oi, lanky!
10:08What are you up to?
10:09Oh, sorry.
10:10I was just looking for the owners.
10:12They're up.
10:13Down the pub.
10:15I see.
10:17They're broken, aren't they?
10:18Haunted by bad decisions.
10:20Ghosts from the past.
10:22Drinking to forget.
10:25No.
10:26There's an Irish band on.
10:28They're Irish?
10:29Yeah.
10:31Who are you?
10:32Of course they're Irish.
10:34Oh, kiss the smooth ancient surface of the bloody stone, I'm home.
10:39I love Guinness.
10:40I always dance with my arms by my side.
10:43Where is this tavern-wise old man?
10:46Down there on the left.
10:48Look, who are you?
10:51Well, am I not that boy?
10:54That old true lad, Hormut Lassoy is.
11:00What?
11:01Don't matter.
11:02I'll call the police.
11:03No, no, I'm going now.
11:04Mary, call the police!
11:05I'm finished!
11:10It's fucking massive!
11:13Can we paddle?
11:14What?
11:16Don't you know what paddling is?
11:18Is it?
11:24No, that's not paddling, silly.
11:26It's where you go into the water and you splash around in your welly boots.
11:29Oh!
11:30Come on!
11:31Come on!
11:32Ah!
11:33Ah!
11:35Ah!
11:36When he went to sleep rehabilitation young,
11:40When he went to sleep out of bed I did sleep in till he had no lathom young man.
11:48Well, who's next then?
12:14Cathy?
12:15No, no, not for me, boys.
12:18Oh, who will plow the fields now, and who will sow the corn, and who will watch the sheep
12:42now, and keep us from the harm.
12:47What can I get you?
12:49Oh.
12:50Well, you'll never put you to the latch if I win.
12:53I'll get this, please.
12:54What do you do, Jo, for a job?
13:00Well, I've got special needs, so my shop.
13:01Oh, yeah.
13:02Dad said it wasn't going too well.
13:03It's all right.
13:04It's all right.
13:05We don't have to talk about it.
13:06We're at the seaside.
13:07We can just have fun.
13:08Yes.
13:09Well, let's start having fun.
13:10You can start by telling me what the hell that is.
13:13It's a crab.
13:14Don't you know what a crab is?
13:16That is a mental massive sea spider is what that is.
13:17Bastard.
13:18we can just have fun yes well let's start having fun you can start by telling me what the hell that
13:24is that crap didn't you know what a crab is that is a mental massive sea spider is what that is
13:33bastard
13:40can we go in there i don't think it's a good idea it'll be fun i can't swim i don't think it's very
13:58sensible that's what dad would say well i can't believe i gave you away you know i'll read we
14:08forgive you oh you're a lovely boy hello you child abducting fuck brian yes brian where are they
14:19they're at the beach with joe they're fine what that's like leaving a tiger to look after some
14:24pork chops brian they're fine listen it all makes sense now i'm irish what seriously i think i've
14:34spotted my parents in there all this time i've been living life as a small british failure when
14:40deep inside it was a brave irish heart just trying to burst out give me my keys you idiot i can't they're
14:48wearing my coat in there well go and get them i can't do that brian i'm about to sing what you don't
14:56even know any bloody irish songs oh don't be so fucking naive they're not real songs they make them
15:02up they sing from here now get out of my way brian you won't crush my dublin spirit you won't crush my
15:13dublin spirit get away from all harm and keep us from all harm and the stack that's in the haggard
15:27unthrashed it may remain since johnny lovely johnny went to fight the king of spain
15:41who's next come on oh oh i'll sing brilliant man what you doing oh uh
15:50gilligan's pony i don't know that one but if you sing it we'll back you
15:57i really rude the day that i got john gilligan's pony people say that i can't write but those people
16:19don't know me i touched this man i touched this wolf that lovely little horse and then i went down the
16:27pub and had the paint of cars of cars come on you you idiots i really wrote the day
16:33what the fuck is that yeah what the fuck is that from my mommy and daddy you're just making that up you
16:48bollocks
16:57i think we need to get out now oh no what oh no why the girls oh my god the girls
17:05right if anything's happened to them i'm gonna kill you i'm sorry i was just just being yourself
17:14an ocean going bellend an english one with an actual mum christ joe can't even swim
17:21is that them oh my god they're miles out i'll call the postcard
17:26there's no time for that
17:30what's he doing
17:59joe he thinks you've all been swept out to sea he got attacks from lucy you said you were just
18:06taking photos i just did it for fun brian brian
18:11i reckon it's the end of our day out you think
18:19were you the young man that was asking about us in the pub
18:25i just don't know why you would have given me back
18:32it wasn't anything to do with you was it though no
18:36i mean you were a strange looking baby but
18:41jesus you were so long like a disgusting octopus like a tiny mr tickle
18:48we just realized that we didn't need anyone else didn't we mum
18:55we knew we were happy and we always would be it wouldn't have been fair to have a little
19:00boy we'd no room for it wasn't you lad and we were right we've had the most wonderful life
19:07happened to be my sweet it's been perfect couldn't have been better
19:13i think that's brilliant
19:20all i'm saying is couldn't have been more brilliant with me
19:24couldn't we have had fun
19:26i don't know
19:28maybe we could have formed a family band together
19:34toured island i mean you've heard me sing
19:37i just i just feel like we should have always been together
19:45having a crack just the three of us
19:49maybe
19:52maybe we still could
19:56well
20:13they're both dead
20:15what
20:18pretty sure they both just died of happiness
20:21fucking typical right
20:30i mean
20:38incredible right
20:40even by my standards
20:41it's not that uncommon apparently
20:43still got your real mum dan
20:45and daddy
20:46i've told you he's not my daddy
20:48right then
20:51shall we
20:53straight home right
20:55i guess we're not going to tell mum about this
20:58none of it
20:58i thought we should never lie
21:00there are exceptions daisy
21:01and anyway you can worry about that later
21:03no we're not going home just yet
21:05well you can't come to the seaside and not go to the fun fair
21:08no yes
21:09come on girls
21:11wow come on
21:12ryan
21:13ryan
21:15you're amazing
21:15i said hey boy
21:45sitting in your tree
21:47mommy always wants you to come for tea
21:51don't be shy
21:53straighten up your tie
21:55get down from your tree house
21:57sitting in the sky
21:58i wanna know
22:00just what i do
22:02here's a very big
22:04is the room for two
22:06i got a house
22:08with the windows and doors
22:09i'll show you my wish
22:12it's on video
22:14it's on video
22:15gotta let me in
22:17hey hey hey
22:21let the fun begin
22:25i'm a wolf today
22:32i'll huff
22:37i'll puff
22:39i'll huff
22:40i'll puff
22:41i'll blow you away
22:43say you won't
22:45say you'll do
22:47what i don't
22:49say you're true
22:51say to me
22:52say that i'll be
22:56say you won't
22:58but i'll see you
22:59at the top of the guys
22:59i'll see you
23:01in the back
23:01of the guys
23:01i'll see you
23:02a few minutes
23:02and then
23:04i'll try and I'll do
23:05you
23:06you
23:07you
23:08know
23:09you
23:10they're
23:11you
23:11you
23:12you
23:12you
23:13you
23:14you
23:14you
23:15you
23:15you
23:18you
23:18you
23:20you
23:22you
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