- 4 days ago
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😹
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00:00It's so strange. I feel different, you know?
00:07As soon as I saw him, as soon as I saw that little fella, I thought,
00:10yep, life will never be the same.
00:14The love you feel, it's...
00:16Why are you talking to me?
00:20I've just become a father.
00:21I don't care!
00:22Nor do I. None of us do.
00:24I'm not just a teacher, OK? This is me opening up a little bit.
00:28Jason, you know.
00:29What have I done?
00:31I think. I'm just saying I've become a dad.
00:32I should never be in the behavioural unit. All I did was eat some clay.
00:36All I'm saying is, some of you might become parents one day.
00:39No way, I'd get rid.
00:41Who'd bang you?
00:42Your dad has.
00:43Dilal, help me out here. Come on, you've had a couple of kids.
00:46Miss Fitz, are you looking for me?
00:48Yes. I would like paternity leave.
00:50No, I'm entitled.
00:52Hardly. You're not in a relationship with a mother and you live in a retirement village.
00:56Can I have any time off?
00:59Tomorrow.
00:59Saturday.
01:00Correct.
01:07Jackpot.
01:07Well, late for breakfast as usual, Daniel.
01:31Late by your standards, yes.
01:32I don't have to get up at 4am, but then neither do you.
01:35You'll need to be here at 5 o'clock sharp tonight. We won't wait.
01:40What?
01:40It's Ham Saturday.
01:43Honestly, do you ever listen?
01:44Your mother does a ham every last Saturday of the month.
01:48I've already chosen my outfit.
01:50It's a meat night at a retirement village. It's not the Mobos.
01:53And besides, I'll be spending tonight with my son, obviously.
01:57Emma won't want you fussing.
02:00She won't want a silly Billy in the way.
02:02Poor dear will have a vagina like a stamped bat.
02:05OK. I'm out.
02:08Oh, Carol.
02:09Have I shown you a picture of my child?
02:13Carol?
02:14Oh, Daniel.
02:16Sorry.
02:16Sergeant Lick has had a bad morning.
02:18I let him out to make water and he were attacked.
02:21What by?
02:21A giant chicken.
02:23I saw it with me own eyes.
02:25It was the size of a turkey, but he were a chicken.
02:28How can such a bird exist?
02:33Do you think you could go somewhere else rather than the breakfast area, though?
02:37It's just, if I bring my son to visit, it's not very hygienic, is it?
02:41Oh, but it's just he's very old and he had to be sedated and this is where he curled up.
02:46Well.
02:47I could put him on the big bean bag.
02:49Oh, the conflict is debilitating.
02:52Sorry, sorry.
02:53Daniel, you can be so thoughtless.
02:56Sergeant Lick is like a son to her.
02:59Well, I'm an actual dad, but no one seems interested in that.
03:02You haven't got a clue about parenthood, you long shit.
03:05Goodbye.
03:07Five o'clock shop for ham, Daniel.
03:09I haven't got time for this.
03:12I should be on my fifth travel suite.
03:13One per hour, no chewing.
03:14It'll only take a minute, Brian.
03:16Please, just a bit of financial advice.
03:17Joe, it's my daughter's birthday.
03:19I need to get there early to make an impact.
03:21She's been up in Scotland a long time and she's beginning to turn.
03:24Some people are gay, Brian.
03:26Deal with it.
03:27What?
03:27She's six years old.
03:28It's her accent.
03:29It's becoming...
03:29Scottish.
03:31So?
03:32People always change their accents.
03:33Remember that time Mickey banged his head?
03:35It was Chinese for a whole year.
03:36I didn't buy that then.
03:37I don't buy it now.
03:37The man's got attention deficit disorder.
03:39Oh, Brian, please!
03:40All right, shut up.
03:41I'm looking.
03:42It's a mess.
03:43What is a good system?
03:45Putting stuff in a box labelled things I don't understand is not a system.
03:50Why don't you understand this?
03:52Hello, Brian.
03:54She's dead.
03:55So you don't understand the concept of time?
03:59Ah, good.
04:00You bought it.
04:01Reluctantly.
04:02I have memories attached to that.
04:03It's all right, shameless Heaney.
04:05It's a pram.
04:05Not a look of your father's hair.
04:07Brian's in a grump because his daughter's got a wee bit Scotland.
04:10Exactly my point.
04:11The world in this country is small, not wee.
04:14Right.
04:15Would anyone like to ask me how I feel about becoming a father?
04:18What's this?
04:19No?
04:21Shakira, would you be interested in seeing a video of my new baby?
04:23Would you be interested in seeing one of me pissing in a bin?
04:26I see.
04:29Things have really changed.
04:31I don't know how even colours seem more vibrant, you know.
04:35Hello?
04:36Oh, my God.
04:37Joe?
04:38Yeah.
04:39They're letters from my pen pal, Hummerick.
04:41I say pen pal.
04:42I don't write back.
04:43Hummerick?
04:44A little bit dull.
04:45Not Hummerick, Joe.
04:47HMRC.
04:47These are tax demands.
04:50Why aren't we talking about me?
04:52I've had a child.
04:53I'm trying to concentrate.
04:54Shush.
04:56Jesus Christ.
04:57Fuck yeah.
04:59You need to drink some more water.
05:00That looks like cloudy honey.
05:05I won't be ignored.
05:08I've created life!
05:11Joe, these are dating back to the 90s.
05:13You could owe thousands.
05:15We need to get you an accountant.
05:16It's okay.
05:17This is good.
05:18It's not good.
05:19I'm freaking the fuck out!
05:21When I get back from Scotland, we'll...
05:24I can't believe it.
05:29I can't believe it's a baby.
05:30Me!
05:31You haven't had a baby.
05:32I had the baby.
05:34You were useless.
05:35Hey, that was emotion.
05:36Dry retching over a bin, repeatedly saying,
05:38here it comes again, this is the one, is not emotion.
05:41Well, I'm super dad now.
05:43I even remembered the prom.
05:46You're too late.
05:47Mum and dad bought a new one today.
05:50Oh.
05:51Yeah, it's nice.
05:53Where's that little smasher?
05:55Hello!
05:57Hello!
05:58Hello!
05:58Hello!
05:58Hello!
05:58He's adorable!
06:01He is pretty special.
06:03Mum!
06:05Yeah, he's a one-off.
06:06I hope this is appropriate.
06:08He's got a lovely penis.
06:13We've brought you some nappies and some flowers.
06:16You should see what he's done with the nursery.
06:18He's painted it from top to bottom.
06:19And, and, what did I find in the loft?
06:22A certain little wrong person
06:24that a certain little girl used to wear.
06:26Follow the yellow brick road.
06:31Follow the yellow brick road.
06:33Follow the road, follow the road, follow the road,
06:35follow the road, the road, the road, the road.
06:37Oh, leave a cowardly lion.
06:40I haven't got a heart.
06:41I'm thick as fuck.
06:43Oh.
06:46Hello?
06:47Did you not see the sign?
06:50Oh.
06:51Oh.
06:55Oh.
06:55No, I should, I should be the one to go.
06:59Well, if you just pop outside for a bit.
07:03Well, I'll tell you what, I'm his dad.
07:05I'll take him out for a while.
07:08Sorry, did I say something funny?
07:09The child is a day old.
07:11What were you planning?
07:12Taking him out bowling?
07:15No.
07:16What did you have in mind?
07:16An afternoon on the rifle range?
07:18Why not get him some rollerblades, you stupid bastard?
07:23Haskellim?
07:27Joe!
07:29Joe!
07:35Dear Brian.
07:37The taxman could be anywhere.
07:37I've gone off grid.
07:38Is that how you spell grid?
07:41I've said it too long now.
07:42It looks weird.
07:42Grid.
07:43Grid.
07:44Grid.
07:45Grid.
07:45Grid, grid.
07:46Grid, grid, grid, grid.
07:47Grid.
07:48Joe, listen. This is ridiculous. I've looked through the rest of your papers and essentially
07:59you've never existed. Anyway, I'll help. Now, call me. I need to hit the road and I can't
08:05while I'm worried about you.
08:07Oh, Daddy, I forgot to say just now I cannae wait to see you at my wee birthday party.
08:15Motherfucker!
08:17Oh, yeah!
08:22Oh, yeah!
08:24Oh, yeah!
08:30Oh, let me be the man my daddy was.
08:37Oh, let me be the man...
08:43Sorry about that, buddy. One who's got a brutal left foot.
08:49I know you.
08:51Do you?
08:52You were that bloke that was trying to live in the gym.
08:54I wasn't trying to live in the gym.
08:55Yes, you were. You were trying to live in the gym.
08:57What? You're living in a pram now?
09:00It's supposed to be for my son.
09:01You've got a kid. You.
09:03Little boy.
09:05I didn't have you pegged as a dad. Honestly, just being truthful, I thought you were the
09:10biggest loser on the earth. I mean, who tries to live in the gym?
09:13Hey, I wasn't trying to live in the gym.
09:15Yes, you were. You were trying to live in the gym.
09:18Well, I'm the biggest loser on earth. I'm not even allowed to take him out.
09:21What do you mean?
09:22Me and the mum aren't together, so...
09:24This pisses me off. My girl's the same. She didn't think dad time matters, but it matters, man.
09:28I had to tell her who Papa Bear was.
09:31Who is Papa Bear?
09:32I'm Papa Bear. And you're Papa Bear.
09:35I'm not Papa Bear.
09:36Not with that attitude. That's why I started the dad club.
09:39To give papas the time they need with their little cubs.
09:44You want to hang with a dad pack?
09:47I'd love it.
09:51Tell me you're Papa Bear.
09:53I'm Papa Bear.
09:54Mean it.
09:55I'm Papa Bear.
09:57Bears roar. They don't mew like a pussy.
09:59I'm Papa Bear.
10:00Mean it.
10:00I am Papa Bear.
10:02Now done.
10:03I'm Papa Bear!
10:07It's still a no.
10:09I am Papa Bear.
10:10I'm Mama. Don't give a shit.
10:17Look, I know you both know where she is.
10:20She just not show.
10:22She's supposed to be here dressed as the big egg.
10:25Of course she is.
10:27Okay.
10:28Mr. Crumbs.
10:29Mr. Crumbs?
10:31Do you have children?
10:31No.
10:32Crumbs only have fish and lizard.
10:35Okay.
10:36That'll work.
10:37What are their names?
10:38Dominic.
10:39What?
10:41Both of them.
10:42Sorry, both of them are called Dominic.
10:45The fish and the lizard.
10:47The fish and the lizard.
10:49Okay.
10:51Well, I'm sure you love Dominic and Dominic very much.
10:56So much, so, so much.
10:59Good.
10:59Well, just imagine that someone was stopping you from seeing them.
11:03No!
11:04Why?
11:06Why they stopped Crumb from seeing Dominic?
11:09Where are Dominic?
11:10No, no, they're not.
11:12Dominic are fine.
11:13I just wanted you to imagine that...
11:14Who take Dominic?
11:17Why?
11:18Dominic!
11:22Mickey, have you any idea at all where she might be?
11:25Oh, Dan, I'm so sorry.
11:55Sergeant Nick is still here.
11:57I should move him.
11:58Because it's ham night tonight.
12:00Oh!
12:02No, you can...
12:03You can leave your match silly, Carol.
12:05I'll watch him for you.
12:06Oh, you are so kind.
12:08You're going to make the best dad in the whole world.
12:11Well...
12:13Take good care of my baby.
12:28Please don't ever make her blue.
12:32Just tell her that you love her.
12:36Make sure you're thinking of her.
12:39In everything you say and do.
12:42And I said, lady, do I look like I've got the time to get a haircut?
12:48I've got a baby.
12:49I'm amazed if I get a chance to wash my balls.
12:50I know what you mean.
12:52I know what you mean.
12:53You should have plenty of time for the amount of sleep that kid gets.
12:56Yeah.
12:57When are we going to get to meet your little lad?
12:58Hopefully not today, right, lads?
13:00Let them sleep, eh?
13:02You don't want to let him kip too long, because you won't sleep tonight.
13:05Here's the thing.
13:06With mine, he will.
13:09Confident.
13:09Ooh.
13:10Excuse us.
13:11We need to see a man about quiche.
13:13Oh, quiche.
13:14So, he sleeps okay at night, then, eh?
13:18Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:19I wish you would share the secret.
13:21Mine's a nightmare.
13:22Oh.
13:23Yeah, how do you get him off?
13:25Oh, I, er...
13:27I sing.
13:28Oh.
13:28What do you sing?
13:30You wouldn't know it.
13:31Oh, really?
13:32What is it?
13:34It's, er...
13:37It's an old Jamaican lullaby.
13:40What?
13:40Yeah, yeah, when I was travelling, I learnt it from a wise old woman.
13:44What's a treat, sir?
13:45Bullshit.
13:46Not bullshit.
13:47Beautiful.
13:48What's it called?
13:51It's called Under the Coconut Treat.
13:53It's called what?
13:54It's called Under the Co...
13:56What's all this?
13:56Hello, you two!
13:58Dad's gonna sing as his son that gets his kid off.
14:00Oh, hey!
14:01I'm not!
14:01Come on!
14:03Fuck off.
14:03Seriously, fuck off.
14:05Okay, Papa Bear, I wanna meet this boy.
14:07I'm gonna get him off.
14:08No, no, no, no, he needs more sleep.
14:10No, he doesn't.
14:11He doesn't need more sleep.
14:12I'm gonna get him off.
14:14Under the coconut tree.
14:20Why's my baby so sleepy?
14:25Because he can hear the sound of the sea
14:29Lopping by the shore of the coconut tree.
14:39Hello!
14:54You escaped the midwives, then?
14:56Ah, yes, they let me out.
14:58Yeah, they probably just needed the bed.
15:01Oh, sorry, do you want me to put this out?
15:03No, don't you worry.
15:04Don't you let the newborn spoil your fag.
15:05Yeah, I'll put it out.
15:07I'll put it out.
15:08Aw, he's beautiful, by the way.
15:10He doesn't look at all like his dad.
15:12Yeah, touch wood.
15:13Don't you touch wood.
15:15Don't you touch any wood.
15:17That's what got you into this mess in the first place.
15:19You haven't seen Dan, have you?
15:28He came by earlier, seemed a bit panicked.
15:33No.
15:33I'm worried we might have crowded him out a bit.
15:35Yeah, the hormones can make you act like a bit of a twat.
15:42Cool, see you then.
15:42See you later.
15:43Yeah.
15:46What the fuck?
15:51Bit of a whiff coming from over there.
15:53Yeah, he's a farter, all right.
15:56Almost like he needs changing.
15:58The baby that never leaves the pran.
16:02Dan, what the fuck?
16:04Shh, shh.
16:05What are you doing?
16:06I've joined that club.
16:07Well, I've just seen Emma with your baby, so what the fuck is in there?
16:11Shut up.
16:12Oh, my God, is that a...
16:13I have talked to you.
16:15Sleep in.
16:16Have you lost your mind?
16:18So you're allowed to see the mystery kid?
16:20Yeah.
16:21Dan, have you not let him see the mystery kid?
16:23Well, and he's changing, so we could all see him.
16:26He is a bit smelly, man.
16:27Yeah, come on, Dan.
16:29Yeah, but I'm here.
16:29Come on, Dan.
16:30Come on, come on.
16:31You can do it.
16:32Come on, come on.
16:33What's wrong?
16:34You can do it.
16:34Come on, Dan.
16:36Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
16:37Hey.
16:39I think I know my own kid.
16:43For God's sake.
16:45It's getting changed.
16:47Honestly.
16:48Come on.
16:49Oh.
16:50There she goes.
16:53hello I couldn't help notice you didn't take any nappies in so I bought you one
17:02no you're all right need a nappy right
17:08no why not he uses the toilet a baby yep I trained him to use the toilet so
17:19right well when you're done I'd like to use it
17:22yep
17:27coming
17:37oh no
17:47hold that
17:49Jesus Christ your baby did that yeah it's massive you did this no I didn't bullshit not bullshit baby shit he's had a bit of
18:04malt loaf it's bigger than he is he goes once a week like a sloth can over it show me your kid no
18:09just taking him out for a bit of air come try this kiss me you can really taste the fennel yeah yeah
18:24well thanks for that you dick
18:27I'm a dick what are you playing at
18:29shouldn't I belong to something all right lips have cut me out my own son's life I'm out of the inner circle
18:35to stop my own all right calm down let's go and have a pint
18:39yeah all right come on quick one you reckon your son will be okay besides some bins where dogs clearly piss
18:46it's not going anywhere come on
18:51yeah
18:54joe you need to pick up I should be in skeleton services by now
18:57joe if I get up there late and those girls are eating awful and headbutting tourists
19:02you and I are going to have words
19:04oh sorry I'm no fun on your birthday darling but I spent yesterday playing hide and seek with an off-grid twat
19:09so now I'm a little bit tired not a wee bit a little
19:12FREEDOM
19:13FREEDOM
19:16unbelievable
19:20there's no respect I told you this wasn't what happened to me I don't think I was just leaving it in the middle of the street
19:26just relax Dan everything's going to be fine
19:29thanks
19:30honestly you are an idiot
19:33now get back to your daddy mates they're missing you
19:35yo papa bear the others are at Nando's they've been given their wooden spoon
19:40oh thanks I better get the little one home
19:43yeah where is he
19:45oh he's er
19:48oh he's gone
19:49you left him at the side of a pub near some bins
19:51yeah I did
19:53yeah he's gone
19:54Jesus Christ
19:55I'm sure I'll be fine
19:56your baby has been stolen you fucking nutter
19:58or has he
20:00is there a baby
20:01yes there's a baby
20:02he's in shock
20:03I want to call the police
20:04there's no need for that
20:06come on
20:07this must happen all the time
20:08Christ
20:09papa bear
20:10four units 10 57 be on the lookout for distinctive looking pushchair possible abduction
20:20I'll stop you there if I may
20:22sorry officer I'm in a rush
20:24oh I can imagine
20:26your baby
20:27no
20:28well
20:29kidnappers aren't usually so honest
20:31do I look like the sort of person that abducts babies
20:34come on sir
20:35the mustache
20:37the fur of slacks
20:38the soft hands
20:39you look like you've gone as a child snatcher to a fancy dress do
20:43this is textbook oppression
20:45in England our law enforcers are accountable
20:48I'll take your number
20:52I'll ask you to calm down
20:53I should have known violence wasn't far away you savage
20:57why not finish the job paint your face blue and show me your arse
21:02no need for profanity sir
21:04right that's it
21:05I'm going
21:06now just wait there a wee moment
21:09the word
21:10is
21:11small
21:14guys I appreciate your concern but I'm sure he'll come home when he's hungry they always do
21:18you're talking crazy
21:20oh my god up there
21:21oh my god up there
21:24here's a good boy
21:25oh
21:26I am taking my pram and I am going to Dundee
21:29ah
21:30I am going to Dundee
21:31I am going to Dundee
21:32I am going to Dundee
21:33I am going to Dundee
21:34I am going to Dundee
21:35I am going to Dundee
21:36I am going to Dundee
21:37I am going to Dundee
21:38I am going to Dundee
21:39I am going to Dundee
21:40I am going to Dundee
21:41I am going to Dundee
21:42I am going to Dundee
21:43I am going to Dundee
21:44I am going to Dundee
21:45I am going to Dundee
21:46I am going to Dundee
21:47I am going to Dundee
21:48I am going to Dundee
21:49I am going to Dundee
21:50I am going to Dundee
21:51I am going to Dundee
21:52I am going to Dundee
21:53I am going to Dundee
21:54Joe, my friend!
22:14No!
22:24No!
22:26No!
22:28No!
22:30No!
22:32No!
22:34No!
22:36No!
22:38No!
22:40No!
22:42Um...
22:48What the fuck?!
22:54I knew it.
22:56Daniel! So you took the ham?
22:58I blame Sergeant Lick.
23:00I've had him destroyed.
23:02This is going to take three hours to cook.
23:04And you know we like to eat at five.
23:18This is Brian Ames. I'm currently unavailable.
23:20Please leave a message after the Singletown.
23:22Daddy, how long do you get here? I can't wait to see you.
23:26Don't ignore it.
23:30If they were right, I'd agree.
23:32But it's them they know, not me.
23:36Now there's a way.
23:38And I know that I have to go away.
23:42I know I have to go.
23:46I have to go.
23:48I have to go.
23:50If not...
23:51You can't wait.
23:52I don't want to call it.
23:53I know...
23:54If we need to go away.
23:56You don't want to call it.
23:58Not to call it.
24:00I know I know I can't wait.
24:02We can't wait, but we can't wait, but...
24:03I know...
24:04I know I can't wait.
24:05If we go there...
24:06I know that I'm happy.
24:07I can't wait.
24:08If we get to the Singletown.
24:10We'll find a great event.
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