- 2 days ago
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00:01They smell lovely.
00:03Does he smell different?
00:05From?
00:06A cooked ham.
00:07Oh, you're funny.
00:08Most of these are beyond saving, I'm afraid, Dan.
00:11They're fresh flowers, Veronica.
00:13These are fresh, Dan.
00:15Why is the head buying new flowers, anyway?
00:17He's hoping I'll go back to the school and work, isn't he?
00:20He's one of the most inspirational teachers I've met.
00:22Enjoy being a mum, but come back soon.
00:24Over the top, isn't it?
00:25I've got fuck all and had my adenoids out.
00:27That's because Emma is an inspiration, Daniel.
00:29We're all inspirational, Geoff.
00:31Sort of comes with the territory.
00:33Yeah, your lesson's like dead poet society.
00:36I'm unconventional, but I get results.
00:39Well, from what I hear, you can't wait to get out of the room
00:42at the end of the day.
00:44Why are you nothing?
00:46You've never seen me teach?
00:47I've never seen a cat ice a cake,
00:49but I'm pretty sure it would make a mess of it.
00:52Very good.
00:54No opposable fun, you know?
00:56Carnage.
00:57Why is the head asking me to run a trip if I'm that bad?
01:00Probably looking for an excuse to sack you.
01:03It's because I light the flame of children's imaginations.
01:06For fuck's sake!
01:08Try not to wake my baby with your hysteria.
01:11Hmm.
01:16My baby?
01:18Yes.
01:20Our baby.
01:22Well, yes.
01:25No, they're all dead.
01:26As if I couldn't get a kid to look up to me.
01:35They're kids.
01:36They're no cleverer than bees.
01:37You don't care about the children you teach.
01:38I choose not to.
01:39I could inspire the tits off a kid.
01:41God, please be quiet.
01:42Let me eat an egg in peace.
01:43I know you're sulking.
01:44It wasn't my fault you got arrested.
01:45Oh, Christ.
01:46Secret fancy woman blown you out, you dirty little ferret.
01:48No, it's Joe.
01:49I don't have a secret fancy woman.
01:50I've got an upset daughter whose birthday party I missed because of my moronic friends.
01:54One of them has decided to check up on me every five seconds.
01:55At least Joe feels guilty about it.
01:56These damn texts.
01:57Make sure you brush those teeth, Brian.
01:58I thought she was in hiding from the tax man.
01:59She is.
02:00But she's also now decided.
02:01She's my guardian.
02:02Oh, God, please be quiet.
02:03God, please be quiet.
02:04Let me eat an egg in peace.
02:05I know you're sulking.
02:06It wasn't my fault you got arrested.
02:07Christ.
02:08Secret fancy woman blown you out, you dirty little ferret.
02:09No, it's Joe.
02:10I don't have a secret fancy woman.
02:11I've got an upset daughter whose birthday party I missed because of my moronic friends.
02:14One of them has decided to check up on me every five seconds.
02:17At least Joe feels guilty about it.
02:18These damn texts.
02:19What's wrong with you, Brian?
02:20I thought she was in hiding from the tax man.
02:21She is.
02:22But she's also now decided.
02:23She's my guardian angel.
02:24It's madness.
02:25I'm being stalked by a big Barbara Windsor.
02:28Oh, my God.
02:29I hope your bacon is nice, Brian.
02:31She's here!
02:32Leave me alone, you peroxide clown!
02:35I'll stick a stick to you, you dumb bastard.
02:38Please, Joe.
02:39Please!
02:46Where's he gone?
02:47He's stressed.
02:48Let him go and have his horrible wife runts jiggled.
02:50And stop this madness.
02:52And remember, Joe, a waterfall may flow downward, but the pool it forms looks up.
02:59See?
03:00Inspirational.
03:01And it was a piece of piss.
03:03The tax man!
03:05I live in the shadows.
03:07Oh, hello.
03:09My name's Jennifer.
03:10I pay my taxes.
03:11Oh, what a yummy breakfast.
03:13If I can't separate these, I'm gonna fuck you up.
03:17Yeah.
03:18Hi.
03:19Can I come by for a couple of hours?
03:21I know I'm not due, but I could really do with a session.
03:23Things are getting a little bit much.
03:24Chop, chop.
03:25Going to the museum.
03:26Yeah.
03:27Hi.
03:28Hi.
03:29Why'd he ask you to come along?
03:30He said to keep an eye on you because of what happened in Cornwall.
03:31He's sitting in a fountain.
03:32Er, I stood in a fountain that had a shit in it.
03:33Big difference, Jason.
03:34Why is he shouting at me?
03:35All right.
03:36Perfectly capable of running a poxy trip to a war museum.
03:37I speak the kids' language.
03:38I've talked Josephine.
03:39Get fucked.
03:40You see?
03:41That's real talk.
03:42You see?
03:43That's real talk.
03:44Let's roll.
03:45Let's roll.
03:46Oh, wow.
03:47I'm not going to go to the museum.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Why?
03:50Why'd he ask you to come along?
03:51He said to keep an eye on you because of what happened in Cornwall.
03:54He's sitting in a fountain.
03:55Er, I stood in a fountain that had a shit in it.
03:57Big difference, Jason.
03:58Why is he shouting at me?
03:59All right.
04:00Maybe he's sitting in a fountain.
04:01I have to say I'm a great coach.
04:02Perfectly capable of running a poxy trip to a war museum.
04:05I speak the kids' language.
04:06I've talked Josephine.
04:07Get fucked.
04:07You see?
04:08That's real talk.
04:09Let's roll.
04:10Oh, hey.
04:11Forgetting something?
04:12Uh, have you done something to your hair?
04:16Oh, hey.
04:21Forgetting something?
04:23Oh.
04:24Have you done something to your hair?
04:30Oh, it's, um...
04:32Kevin.
04:32Kevin.
04:33Come on.
04:34Honestly.
04:35Nice action!
04:36Fear me.
04:38The spirit of the wolf is strong in that one.
04:40Don't worry.
04:41We'll tame it.
04:43Together.
04:44Lovely.
04:46Want some more wisdom?
04:47Yeah?
04:48If you mess up this school trip, I'll sack you.
05:01God, it's so good to be getting out of that place.
05:05Here.
05:06Oh, no thanks.
05:08Look at someone who had sweets, aren't they?
05:10So I don't think we should be.
05:12Stopped talking about it.
05:13We'll talk about what's left side of the film.
05:16You think I was going to get to you.
05:17Hey, you.
05:19How are you doing?
05:21Fine.
05:22Cool.
05:23How's mum?
05:24All good?
05:25My mother is dead.
05:26Oh, yeah.
05:27Well, I forgot about that.
05:28Sorry.
05:34Yeah, guys, slow down.
05:36Slow down.
05:37Lots to discover, but let's do it together, yeah?
05:39You're being really weird.
05:42I'm not.
05:46Oh, Jesus Christ, Jo.
05:49Dan, where are we?
05:50A tax man could be anywhere.
05:52They have eyes everywhere.
05:54They have things up there.
05:56You're not a Taliban commander, for fuck's sake.
06:01Hey, this trip's all about the kids.
06:03I did this for the children, all right?
06:06Yeah, you're definitely being weird.
06:10Well, hello, time travellers,
06:13and welcome to the 1940s.
06:19Oh, look.
06:20Yes!
06:22You are about to step back to the golden age.
06:27Yes, there was struggle,
06:29but there was incredible community spirit.
06:34Any questions?
06:37Yes.
06:38You've seen Two Girls, One Cup?
06:39Yes, I see.
06:40Can I have a word?
06:41Yep.
06:43Well, it's a viral video, two women gobbling shit.
06:46Shut up!
06:47Stand up, straight man!
06:48Now I know to school, don't expect much.
06:51In what we used to happily and correctly refer to as retards.
06:54We usually ask the children to fill in worksheets,
06:57but I'll settle for you,
06:58keeping the little chips under control.
07:00A big stick, and a lot of shouting, right?
07:04Well, no, I think you're fine with the right guy.
07:06Shut up!
07:06You're a stranger to discipline, Davis.
07:09A gobbler of confectionery,
07:11unable to hold down a relationship or a proper job.
07:15Live with your mother, I would think,
07:17am I close?
07:19Yes, I am!
07:21Who is this?
07:23Oh.
07:23I said, who is this?
07:26Well, it's supposed to be Churchill.
07:27Sir Winston Lennart Spencer Churchill!
07:30Yes!
07:31An inspiration!
07:33A potent symbol of the greatest period in British history!
07:37Off you go, Tony.
07:39That is a leader, Davis.
07:42You're nothing more than a glorified sheepdog!
07:46Keep your flock of zombies off my exhibits and we will get along fine.
07:51However, if you fail to follow the expected code of conduct,
07:58I will shut your shit down like a rat on a potato.
08:05What will I do?
08:06Now, look.
08:07What will I do?
08:09Yes, you'll shut my shit down.
08:10Like?
08:11Like a rat.
08:12But the thing about a...
08:12Halt!
08:15Like a rat on a...
08:16On a potato!
08:17Splendid!
08:18Enjoy the Bukley War experience.
08:26Halt!
08:32Er, what is this?
08:33Have you no sense of where you are?
08:35Honestly.
08:36Right.
08:37Phones in the bag.
08:39What?
08:39I don't think that's a very good idea.
08:41They didn't have mobile phones in the war.
08:43I'm lucky to have a tin of ham.
08:45And a pipe.
08:46Here, get a picture of me handing these out.
08:48Why?
08:48Just do it.
08:50Worksheets.
08:51Worksheets.
08:53There you go.
08:54All right, everyone, off you go.
08:56First exhibit, learning.
08:57Always learning.
08:58Well, this is bullshit.
09:00You shouldn't struggle too much with this.
09:02It's for children.
09:05What's going on?
09:06Why have you taken the phones off them?
09:07Because the bloke who runs this place
09:09seems to think our children can't be sufficiently inspired
09:11to fill out a worksheet.
09:12Well, he's got a point.
09:13We'd better to let them run around taking pictures of each other.
09:16They haven't got the concentration span.
09:18Wake up.
09:19Can we dare to dream a little bigger for our children, Ali?
09:22Can we?
09:23Can we dream a little bigger?
09:26Yeah.
09:26All right, guys.
09:47You've got your worksheets.
09:48So, if you struggle, just let me know.
09:51You know I'll help you.
09:52I can and I will.
09:53You know I will.
09:54Okay.
09:56Stand still.
09:57Look at me.
09:58What?
09:58Eat this.
09:58Oh!
09:59Look, come on, leave them.
10:01They're fine.
10:02Let's go and take the piss out of some of the actors.
10:03General Montgomery has a speech impediment.
10:06And?
10:06And let's get him to say stuff with S's in.
10:09Greetings.
10:10Old Dan would have found that funny.
10:12Very funny.
10:13But I've realised something.
10:15If children are going to find their way,
10:17they need a bright light to guide them.
10:19Me.
10:19Hold this bag of phones.
10:22All right, guys.
10:24Gather round.
10:25Let's have a little look at this worksheet, shall we?
10:27Number one.
10:28Describe the atmosphere in this zone.
10:30Well, that's easy.
10:31What can you see?
10:32The biggest knob in Britain.
10:33Hey.
10:36You've got problems at home,
10:38so I'm going to let that slide.
10:39Her mum drinks.
10:40Okay.
10:40Close your eyes.
10:41Sir, this is torture.
10:43Close your eyes.
10:45So cut the atmosphere.
10:48That's it.
10:49Oh, my God.
10:50Yes, Jason.
10:51It's powerful, isn't it?
10:54Gregory's farted.
10:55I have not farted.
10:57You have?
10:57Hey, nobody's farted.
10:59He has.
11:00And I know it's him.
11:01It stinks of bananas.
11:01They didn't have bananas in the wartime.
11:04Whoa.
11:05That's good.
11:06Now, it's a shame farting got brought up,
11:09but together we have learned.
11:11They didn't have bananas in the war,
11:13so that's historically accurate.
11:15Is that historically accurate?
11:20Oh, my.
11:23That's just a bit of horseplay.
11:25I'm sure that'll wipe straight off.
11:26I'm so sorry.
11:32I've just had a Twix.
11:37And we always leave our doors open,
11:39because it's safe as ours is.
11:41It's the spirit of the Blitz.
11:42Oh, um, and this is my wife?
11:52That's right.
11:53Yeah.
11:55So, any questions so far?
11:57Is it true you had great sing-alongs?
11:58Oh, it certainly is.
12:00It's a long way to Tipperary.
12:04It's a long way to go.
12:09Sophie and I'm cooking rum.
12:11I'm like so hot, I'm drunk.
12:12It's the freaking weekend, baby.
12:14You're about to have me some fun.
12:18Any other questions about the war?
12:19Is it true women couldn't afford tights in the war?
12:22Glad you asked me that.
12:22I love the 1940s.
12:28Are you sure?
12:30I've never done this before.
12:33Can't I just do the usual?
12:35This doesn't feel right to me at all.
12:40Why do I have to stay with you?
12:42Hey!
12:44What happened before, it wasn't cool.
12:47But I get it.
12:48You feel like you're not being listened to.
12:49And I want you to know, I've got ears.
12:52I've got big ears.
12:54What the fuck are you talking about?
12:56You see these war poems?
12:59I'll bet you feel you couldn't write one.
13:01I couldn't.
13:02You could.
13:03I don't want to.
13:03You're going to.
13:04Can I have my phone back?
13:05What's a war poem?
13:08Sarah, I'm a Nazi!
13:09Oh!
13:12It is great that you're interested.
13:15And I want you to be curious, Jason.
13:16But you're going to have to put that back.
13:19Can I have my phone back, then?
13:20Oh, Jesus Christ.
13:21Where's the pack of funds?
13:22Oh, shit.
13:23I left them in the last zone.
13:24Oh, brilliant.
13:25Go and find a bag of phones and put that back.
13:28What are you hoping to achieve?
13:30Sir, finish the worksheet.
13:33Oh!
13:34That is what I'm hoping to achieve.
13:37A completed worksheet from...
13:42You are?
13:44Well done.
13:56What's your name?
13:57Kevin.
13:57Kevin.
13:58Well done, Kevin.
14:00Hang on a minute.
14:02You're taking the piss.
14:03What's this?
14:04What?
14:05Women couldn't afford tights in the war, so they smeared Nutella on their legs.
14:08What's this?
14:09It's bullshit!
14:09The woman told me.
14:11The woman told me.
14:12What was Hitler's first name?
14:13Danny?
14:14Why are you a moron, lad?
14:16Mr Davies!
14:16Well.
14:19It's true.
14:20There was a woman.
14:21She said she'd give us all the answers if we promised we weren't working for the tax man.
14:24Oh, no.
14:26Oh, no, no, no.
14:28What did they put in bombs?
14:32Jam.
14:34Joe.
14:35No.
14:36I don't know who Joe is.
14:37I'm just a simple 1940s housewife.
14:39Get that costume off.
14:40I'm trying to fill these kids with a passion for knowledge.
14:42No, Dad.
14:43Leave me here.
14:43I'm safe in the 1940s.
14:45You're not in the 1940s, you maniac.
14:52Oh, shit.
14:58You don't fancy him, do you?
14:59Who?
15:00Sir.
15:01Don't be ridiculous.
15:02Dick, isn't he?
15:05Guess who?
15:07Come on.
15:08We need to collect these worksheets up.
15:09They're bullshit.
15:10Give me those.
15:11Now, if you'd like to gather round, you can see first-hand what life was like for a wartime
15:15evacuate.
15:17Yes, this'll do.
15:19Right.
15:19We'll gather round.
15:20Watch this, and you'd better look interested.
15:22I've done your stupid poem.
15:23I'm going.
15:23You stay, you watch, or I steal the tuck shop money, and I frame you for the crime.
15:28Mr Davies.
15:30Oh, we're having a wonderful day.
15:33The children devour.
15:34They learn.
15:36Really?
15:37To explain, please welcome little Toby Perkins from the east end of London.
15:46Hello there.
15:47I'm Toby, and in the summer of 1940, my parents made a very big decision.
15:52Fuck my whole face.
15:56Carry on, Brian.
16:00We arrived in Cornwall, and were greeted by old Mr Watlington, and his rosy-cheeked wife,
16:06Fanny.
16:11Brian, what the hell is this?
16:13We thought you were sneaking off to meet a lady.
16:15You gimp.
16:16Why are you dressed like a child from the past?
16:18I'm usually an air raid warden.
16:20Anyway, fuck you.
16:22Fuck me?
16:23Fuck you, baby!
16:24Sorry, kids.
16:24That's just emotion.
16:27Hey.
16:27Hey.
16:29What is wrong with you?
16:31I was really looking forward to today.
16:33All I do is look after kids, and I really thought you and I would just let the kids off the leash
16:37and have a bit of a laugh.
16:39What's going on?
16:40Nothing's going on.
16:41Here.
16:42Take a picture of me reading Josephine's poem really thoughtfully.
16:44Her.
16:48Emma.
16:49God.
16:50That's who you were sending the picture to?
16:52You're trying to prove something to Emma.
16:54As usual, by pretending to be something you're not.
17:02Right.
17:03OK.
17:03I think we should just go.
17:05Sir, they've gone!
17:05The phone's!
17:06What?
17:07Oh, sorry.
17:15I didn't realise you were in here.
17:16I was just looking for somewhere to have a fag.
17:18No, it's OK.
17:30I'm sorry about the laughing.
17:32It was just a bit of a shock, that's all.
17:35That's all right.
17:36I'd laugh too.
17:40Everyone thought I was having a steamy affair.
17:43I rather like that they were thinking that.
17:46Pathetic.
17:47Brian, my life is so dull that for two weeks I've looked forward to having a laugh with your
17:53stupid, distracted friend today.
17:56I spend my spare time as an unpaid historical re-enactor.
18:00It looks fun.
18:02You don't think that.
18:03No, I don't.
18:04But my life is really boring too.
18:07Oh, thanks.
18:08I didn't mean it like that.
18:12You make a cute child refugee.
18:15Jesus.
18:16What an epitaph.
18:17Oh, you can't smoke in here.
18:27Don't you ever just want to do something crazy?
18:30I'm afraid I do not.
18:37Crazy and I rarely cross paths.
18:40Well, I'd be up for some real crazy, Brian.
18:44I could drive us back to town with no seatbelt on.
18:50Oh.
18:51They're not here.
18:53We'd better find them.
18:53My mum is going to go mental.
18:55We are not telling the head.
18:57Do you all understand?
18:58If I have to, I'll buy you all new phones, all right?
19:01Jesus.
19:02You trusted me.
19:03God, you're thicker than me.
19:05He was getting us out of the way.
19:07What?
19:07We've got the inspectors in today, you idiot.
19:09We're an embarrassment.
19:11Apparently so are you.
19:13No.
19:14Dan!
19:15It's this fat guy.
19:16He's got the phones.
19:21Churchill!
19:26Banker.
19:36What the fuck?
19:51Do take a look inside.
20:03A rare glimpse into the belly of the beast.
20:07Behind this curtain.
20:08Enjoy.
20:09What the hell?
20:24You like that, Churchill?
20:33My eyes!
20:34Brian, relax.
20:47I am relaxed.
20:48It's just a bit sleepy.
21:00Brian!
21:00Right, listen, I have a call from the museum.
21:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:24I thought Churchill.
21:25She tossed someone off in a bunker, I know.
21:27Now you listen to me.
21:29We think we know these kids.
21:31But we don't, because we don't even try.
21:33I've seen things from today that I wouldn't have thought possible.
21:36Some of them wrote war poems, for God's sake.
21:38War poems.
21:39Josephine?
21:40Fat, fat pussy rat.
21:42Hitler is a twat.
21:43That's fine for now.
21:44The point is, you send these kids away and then you lie.
21:48And I don't care if I've lost my job, because this needs to be heard.
21:52But any inspector, you, sir, you need to see the whole school, warts on all.
21:58Well, these are the warts.
22:00And they won't be swept under the carpet anymore.
22:07Mr Thompson isn't an inspector.
22:09He's the school's accountant.
22:11What?
22:12He's preparing our tax statements.
22:18We're not having an inspection.
22:20Kevin!
22:21What?
22:22You told me we'd been booting out because there was an inspection.
22:24I made it up.
22:25Oh, you fucking nutter.
22:28My office.
22:30Now.
22:33Well, that all went well.
22:35We've got a visitor.
22:39See you tomorrow.
22:43Sweet speech.
22:45What are you doing here?
22:47I brought your son in to meet everyone.
22:49My son, yeah?
22:52Yeah.
23:03Come!
23:10See you tomorrow.
23:13See you tomorrow.
23:16Bye-bye.
23:16Bye-bye.
23:17Bye-bye.
23:21Bye-bye.
23:29Bye-bye.
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