- 2 days ago
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00:00Oh, you're here. Hello. Dan.
00:10Ali.
00:10Hi, Ali. Okay, listen up. You're not going to get this from any other supply job you ever do.
00:15That kid over there is mad. And I don't mean he's a character, he's fucking mental.
00:20That one there stinks like the back of a watch.
00:22This girl through there, she is horrible. Horrible.
00:27I've given them a title. It's Lonely Old Lady.
00:30Most of these dicks will still make up plays about ninjas, but the title slows them down.
00:3540 minutes of going round nodding, 20 minutes of packing up.
00:37Oh, hello, everyone. Looks like it's break time. You get this, right?
00:41You'll be volunteering to cover drama all the time because, um, it's easy.
00:46There's no marking.
00:48Um, sorry, I'm not the supply teacher.
00:51Oh, God, you're a parent.
00:53Oh, I am, but not to any of these dicks. I've just got the job.
00:57Yeah.
00:57I'm the new head of drama.
00:59Oh, you've met Miss Clark.
01:02You've replaced me?
01:03Right, so I can leave school now?
01:05Well, technically, I have the option to make you work a turn to notice.
01:08And?
01:09Dear Monday morning.
01:11We'll find you a matter of lovely jobs to do.
01:13A bit of P.E., maybe.
01:15That's easy. No marking.
01:17Well, good luck winning them over.
01:18They're, uh, pretty cut up about me leaving, so...
01:21Oh, miss, I love your hair.
01:23Thanks.
01:23Do you like ninjas, miss?
01:24I do, but I couldn't eat a whole one.
01:29Let's all get in a circle.
01:32She's hilarious.
01:34Finally.
01:34Oh, my God, I love her!
01:36Well, I'm not doing P.E.
01:52He can fuck off.
02:07It's freezing out there.
02:08Well, at least it shows he cares about drama.
02:11How's your mum?
02:12I don't know.
02:13She's been hanging out with some old bloke.
02:14What, dating?
02:15Oh, yeah, right.
02:16Because if I saw a woman with Gordon Ramsay's head on Jimmy Cranky's body, I'd ask her out.
02:19He's weird.
02:20He's not blind.
02:20Don't be such a dick.
02:21Well, you try living with two old women who only eat butter.
02:24Well, go out.
02:25Shall I go around to Brian the depressive divorcee's and help him build a model Spanish gullion?
02:30Or shall I go to Joe's and hear her pitch a later's business?
02:32She told me the idea.
02:33It sounds like an animal's fever dream.
02:35Maybe you need to mix your life up a bit, too.
02:37Find something to get passionate about instead of slagging off everyone you know.
02:40Hang on, aren't you supposed to be at a funeral?
02:43I'm going to interpret all that as meaning that you miss me.
02:45Commit to something, you fool.
02:48Emma?
02:51Who does this vicar think he is?
02:53It's a service followed by the burial.
02:56Why does he have to mess with everything?
02:58I mean, who puts a glitter ball on a 17th century beam?
03:01Although why I'm talking to you about tradition, God only knows.
03:04How do you mean?
03:06You're dressed as a piece of bacon at a funeral.
03:08Dave's wife didn't want everyone dressed in black.
03:11It's a celebration of his life.
03:14Right.
03:15Bye, Dan.
03:17No reaction to the bacon outfit?
03:19Of course not.
03:23Here we go.
03:24Here comes the Lord's funky representative on Earth.
03:27I like the look of him.
03:32So sorry for your loss.
03:33Oh, no, no, I'm not related.
03:35No, your job is so sad when someone loses their way.
03:40Shut up!
03:41What?
03:41I'm the tragedy at a funeral.
03:43I am.
03:47Bam!
03:50Guys, so sorry to have kept you.
03:55So, it's time for us to get big Dave Bowers home, right?
04:01It's big Dave for Dave.
04:03He's got a ticket to the best club in town.
04:07Heaven.
04:08brace yourselves last service i saw he did from back at this an ipad daniel you haven't said
04:22hello to daddy ridiculous i would have bought you a black tie if you'd asked me don't worry
04:27about the boy he's a grown-up folly i can't help it anyway it's good to keep your mind active my
04:35friend joyce stopped coming to bridge and immediately got full burn parkinson's she actually
04:40thinks that happened come on polly i don't want to miss this drew is easy on the eye even if he
04:45does do is milking on the other side of the barn a bloody disgrace and i'm sorry and so you should
04:55be you look like shit on a hill you're a bloody mess did you not see the maniacress does bacon
05:02yes and a lovely tribute i thought it was by the young lady but you you're not fit to it
05:07daddy come and meet phyllis before the service coming dear lady that lovely creature may be
05:16fooled but i've seen through thee like a glass of hot hot piss
05:23you know that show pony's already applied for a christian coffee shop don't you
05:41same place you're going for selling christ pacinos and latte ass prey no doubt
05:46tell me your idea i can help you i know these council types they're the air that i breathe
05:53brian my new pitch is awesome what's your problem with drew
05:56that's fancy balance you started right up at me
06:02as if i'm a total loser really sorry to hear you have nothing left in life at all
06:06nothing more nothing less love is the best
06:12how about peter graham and sally okay let's talk about the main man
06:21big dave bowers
06:25i did not like big dave bowers
06:30drew are you crazy we're all here to celebrate big dave
06:37the first time i met big dave all he spoke of was sausage and i thought i can't get with the guy
06:44who only talks about meat then i realized i'd miss the glint in his eyes and i knew as sure as god
06:52knows i'm right big dave had a passion and his passion was meat and meat is all right
06:59meat is all right he fed our souls he loved
07:03meat he loved to meet you
07:07yes
07:13peter you know what i'm talking about absolutely
07:22did i ask too much more than a lot you gave me nothing now it's all i've got
07:33we're one but we're not the same we're gonna hurt each other and we'll do it again
07:44i said love is a simple love is a high score love is a simple love is a high score
07:55my god i know right it's horse shit it doesn't even mean anything
07:59i don't know
08:01he's brilliant
08:05what
08:16true that was wicked
08:18thanks love the meat tribute thanks i just wanted to say i'm going to the counter tomorrow
08:23to pitch for the same shop as you and i've been feeling really bad no way yes and i shall be
08:29helping her so it will be thorough to say the least chill bri bri if the lord wants me to have
08:33a christian coffee shop it'll happen if not that's cool may the best shop win babe let me know how you get
08:39it on thanks jerry
08:52you're dan right
08:55so sorry to hear that you lost your job dude
09:00no i didn't lose my job i quit it's okay little lost line cub
09:06sorry i'm at your little lost line cub all alone on the plains right
09:16i am
09:18i am a little lost line cub
09:20i was like you man stuck in a life that wasn't working and then god gave me the job and the man i
09:28love
09:30i run a little prayer group called water wings it's low pressure if you want to come along
09:35oh i don't believe in god so hey i can't promise to hook you up with the big guy but i can promise
09:41you some chill chat and some rory's famous sponge cake what do you say
09:48well yeah maybe
09:59that's it you can't pitch that it's fucking mental you'll get laughed out of the room
10:04and what's mickey doing here a bit of showbiz innit go get a position mickey they're not in there yet
10:09chill out brian this is going to be wicked no you can't do this joe bellingham
10:19okay ladies and gentlemen let's do this that's so true kathy he thinks he's ruined his life
10:25but he's got a really beautiful aura who's next he has a nice smile so true he seems like a polite
10:34sort of chap i hadn't even considered that props graham i think he's got a really big beautiful tummy
10:43hear that dan she thinks you have a big beautiful tummy that's real buddy i like the manners and the
10:49smile one thanks be to god for damn man okay guys let's hustle up the harvest fest i want those pews
10:56full rory get your cutie patootie in gear and refresh these legends a lot of love for you in
11:04this room but no one knows me that's the genius of what you've done here i've been told my whole
11:10life i need to change but here i don't have to at all whatever you take from it man rory let's bounce
11:16baby boy we've got some frowns to turn upside down at the hospice i was just going into the herb garden
11:22and i wondered if dan might like to join me no i'm going to go with drew i mean if a funeral's
11:28that big a show a hospice is going to be secret and roy peter's a good guy to get your chill on with
11:34relax get to know peeps
11:36okay let's go
11:59ladies and gentlemen anyone can do a shop but can they offer one that sells
12:05everything
12:14what do you mean i'll be stocking one thing from every letter of the alphabet before you ask xylophones
12:21but that's not everything is it that's just 26 things that's less than most shops give me a letter
12:28b bananas got free crates of the bastards letter l lamb not a real one made from lego
12:34oh two for the price of one bog off lamb mental
12:39sorry are you okay i'm alan sugar on four pints of coffee that's who i am
12:44this shop is the future and if you don't give it to me well you're you're hopping mad
12:51hopping mad
13:01Mickey!
13:06Tell me, Dan, when was the last time you prayed?
13:09Yeah, when I thought I was going to shit myself in a Spanish zoo.
13:13Didn't work, though. Good one, God.
13:15You know, if you really want to talk to God,
13:17you must first empty that busy, busy mind.
13:20Ah. No, there's always something in my mind.
13:23Oh, tush, tush. It's easy to clear away the white noise of life.
13:26No, Peter, you understand, there's always one specific thing.
13:30There's always one specific thing in my mind.
13:32Oh, yes. What's that?
13:34A Mexican.
13:36A Mexican? Yes, a Mexican.
13:38Full sombrero that works.
13:40Whenever I try and relax, there he is.
13:42How long has this been going on?
13:44Since 1996.
13:46Fucking nightmare, right?
13:48Well, then you must tell him to leave!
13:50Leave!
13:52Okay, Dan, what's in there?
13:56Nothing. But it always starts like this.
13:59He'll be here soon, don't worry.
14:01There he is!
14:09Oh. Hello, Mexican!
14:11No, Dan, just focus on making him leave.
14:15Don't just make him do weirder stuff, mate.
14:19Here we go.
14:21Change your focus, Dan. Take control.
14:27Peter.
14:29Can I be honest with you?
14:31I don't mind him that much.
14:33I'll level with you.
14:35Well, they're not changing stuff.
14:37Okay?
14:38I'm gonna go and see how the glitter ball turns on.
14:41And, Peter...
14:42Yes?
14:43You should cut this off.
14:45It looks stupid.
14:47I can't believe Mickey let me down like that.
15:05A madman dressed as a rabbit would not have helped.
15:09I could be with you.
15:11Oh, no.
15:13I'm a bit worried about you.
15:15I've never been better, mate.
15:17Get this.
15:18Everyone down there likes me.
15:20And get this...
15:22I'm just being me.
15:24What's the matter with you?
15:25I didn't get a shot.
15:26Oh.
15:27That's okay, though.
15:28You can come and work at Drew's Christian coffee shop.
15:31He'll probably let you dress as bacon.
15:32Do you think there might be a more conventional period of reflection for you both?
15:36Maybe some counselling?
15:37Oi.
15:38The choir was one of many nerd pools that you joined when Julia left you.
15:42And now, just because I'm into the church, it's rubbish, is it?
15:44I left the church the day Drew replaced the choir with a drum machine, Dan.
15:47Anyway, I have a meeting with Gerry Sanderson.
15:49Did bloke who just took my shot down?
15:51Yes.
15:52He wants me to join the Health and Safety Committee.
15:55Another nerd pool, eh, Dan?
15:57All I would say is, ultimately, you both have to face your problems.
16:00You both know that, right?
16:10You in?
16:11Am I?
16:12It sounds awesome.
16:15Perhaps you'd like to peel some potatoes for this afternoon's Harvest Festival meal?
16:19Yeah, I guess it's time I started to face my fears and potatoes are right up there.
16:24I know.
16:27Great that you could bring a friend along.
16:28She's as mad as cheese, but I just know she's going to love it here as much as I do.
16:32I mean...
16:34Well, I'm home.
16:36That's incredible.
16:37I had to endure months of isolation on my retreat before I got anywhere near that level of closeness to God.
16:43Retreat?
16:44Yes.
16:45Spiritual retreat.
16:46Drew suggested it.
16:48He and Sally used to leave food parcels for me at the bottom of the garden.
16:51I was alone for six months.
16:53It was wonderful.
16:54It is incredible that you think like that.
16:58Because my instinct when you tell me that story is that Drew was just trying to get you out of the way so he could bang Sally.
17:06And that Rory has just been a smokescreen all along.
17:09But you think it's innocent.
17:11And yet, here we both are, in the same place, together.
17:16And we're both happy.
17:18I love the church.
17:20I love the church.
17:29Stop!
17:30So, God made everything.
17:32Who made God then?
17:33Well, no one.
17:34He just is.
17:36Sorry Sally, nothing justice.
17:38No, really.
17:39He just exists.
17:41Sally, there's a boy on the heave called Rob Red.
17:44Rob Red?
17:45Yeah.
17:46His mum couldn't decide between Robert or Fred.
17:48He used to do this trick in the pub where he took his thumb off.
17:50I tried to work it out for years, just couldn't.
17:53Anyway, turns out, he never had a thumb.
17:56It got chopped off as a kid when he was conquering with Sticky Jim.
18:00He wasn't making it disappear.
18:02He never had one.
18:04Bit like God, innit?
18:05We all try and work out who he is, where he came from.
18:08But maybe, he never existed in the first place.
18:11Makes you think, doesn't it?
18:15Oh.
18:17Oh.
18:19Oh, sorry Drew.
18:20I was just seeing what it must be like.
18:21Dan, have you seen Rory?
18:22Or Graham?
18:23Oh no, sorry.
18:24That's strange.
18:25They must be putting the Harbfest banner up.
18:28I could make the tea if you'd like, Drew.
18:29Drew?
18:30Drew?
18:31They've not even touched it.
18:32It's weird.
18:33Where's Sally?
18:34We're having a well wicked chat.
18:35Then her eyes went all weird and she hasn't come back.
18:36Drew?
18:37Is that Rory's special sponge cake?
18:38Oh no, sorry.
18:39That's strange.
18:40They must be putting the Harbfest banner up.
18:42I could make the tea if you'd like, Drew.
18:43Drew?
18:44They've not even touched it.
18:46It's weird.
18:47Where's Sally?
18:48We're having a well wicked chat.
18:49Then her eyes went all weird and she hasn't come back.
18:50Drew?
18:51Is that Rory's special sponge cake?
18:52Listen, guys.
18:53You welcome people and I'll see what's going down.
18:55I know you're in there, you f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f.
18:58You let me in!
19:16Gee man, what gives?
19:19You mess with my wife, I'll kill you.
19:27CHILDREN
19:32Chill! Chill!
19:35Something's wrong, Joe. I can't believe I'm saying this.
19:39I'm so comfortable in my own skin, I think I can handle the surface.
19:44And we both know I'm a beautiful singer.
19:48OK. Chill now. Sit down, dude. Let's talk.
19:54That's good! Good! Good! Yes!
19:58Good! More! More! More!
20:01Good! Facts! Good! Good!
20:04Rory! Dan told me to do! Dan told me!
20:08Oh, my God. Sally.
20:11Who's going to judge me, Drew? He doesn't exist!
20:14You lied!
20:15Lied!
20:17Oh, God! Good! More! More facts!
20:20Dan!
20:24I know you want to sing with us.
20:30That's why I know you should be scared of us.
20:37Whoo! What about that?
20:40Joe riding the big Jesus wave on the God surfboard.
20:45All right!
20:47Whoo!
20:48Whoo!
20:51Whoo!
20:56Right.
20:57Great to see Tony. Tony from the markets here in the front.
21:02I hate Tony!
21:04He's got fat kids!
21:06Tony!
21:07Oh, yeah!
21:08Yeah, I said it!
21:11Oh, but then I realised...
21:14Maybe Tony's kids have got thyroid problem.
21:17Tony brings back food at the end of the day.
21:20Why not feed it to his fat kids?
21:22Right?
21:23Come on, Jesus!
21:24They're gonna eat anyway!
21:27Aren't they?
21:28Gobbling away!
21:29They love it!
21:30Why wouldn't they gobble away?
21:31Of course they will!
21:32That's why they're fat!
21:33Come on, guys!
21:34Who's with me?
21:35No, Mexico!
21:36No, no!
21:37No!
21:38No!
21:39No!
21:40No!
21:41No!
21:42No!
21:43No!
21:44No!
21:45No!
21:46No!
21:47No!
21:48No!
21:49No!
21:50No!
21:51No!
21:52No!
21:53No!
21:54No!
21:55No!
21:56No!
21:57Get out of my goddamn pulpit!
21:59Oh, Drew, thank God you're here!
22:01It's harder than it looks, this!
22:03Yeah!
22:04Yeah!
22:05You wanna throw down, do you?
22:09You wanna ride this coaster!
22:11Oh, my God, what?
22:13We've all got a past, man!
22:15We're all running from something!
22:17Nobody's tasted this candy in a while!
22:20But open up!
22:21It's time to party!
22:23Whoa!
22:24No!
22:25No!
22:26No!
22:27No!
22:28No!
22:29No!
22:30No!
22:31No!
22:32What is happening?
22:34What was happening?
22:35Yeah, did you say that?
22:36I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that contravenes the 1974 Health and Safety Act.
22:41You're a doctor!
22:51Yeah.
22:53Yes, I messed up again.
22:55What do you want me to say?
22:57There were some happy by-products, right?
22:59Jo got her shot because Drew's been...
23:02...deported.
23:07I know. I'm a fat loser, right?
23:10Well, I need your advice, Dad. I don't fit in anywhere.
23:13I need to know where to go next.
23:16So perhaps you could give me a sign.
23:28What?
23:33Really?
23:40And now I know, I finally found the American dream.
23:51And now the love, I finally found the American dream.
23:58I'm a dove from your path.
24:02I come haunting to your door.
24:06I just can't make it without the love.
24:10You look like heaven above.
24:13I came transform.
24:14I can't do enough.
24:15You never found the love.
24:17I don't think ni got la peat apa.
24:19Who knew i have to go next time?
24:20You know this is really nice.
24:21And I'm
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