- 2 days ago
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00:00If I were fair, Visby, I were only vine.
00:04Oh, monstrous. Oh, strained. We're haunted.
00:08Pray for us, masters. Fly for us, masters. Help!
00:12I'll follow you. I'll lead you about a round.
00:14Through bog, through bush, through break, through brine.
00:16Sorry about that.
00:18Bit of an epiphany over the weekend, and I get a bit excited when I think about it.
00:22I can't believe I'm actually going to do it.
00:23How could we talk afterwards?
00:24Well, it's... it's just...
00:26What do you see?
00:28You see an asshead of your own, do you?
00:30I will walk up and down here, and I will sing.
00:34And the day shall hear, I am not afraid.
00:39Well done! That was so great!
00:41Maybe Shakespeare isn't such a massive, collared super fag, eh, Dennis?
00:47I'm so proud of you, and I...
00:49Yeah, and, guys, I'd like to say something, if I may.
00:53Well, I know a lot of you have been wondering about what I'm going to do
00:57when I leave school, what the next big move will be.
01:00If I'm honest, some of you have been pretty dickish about it.
01:04But for the rest of you, I want you to know, it looks like Mr Davis is going to be...
01:09Yes, Robin?
01:10Who is he?
01:12Robin?
01:13You can't have forgotten me. I haven't left yet.
01:16Thank you for the rest of you...
01:19Go time, Robin.
01:20You can't have forgotten me.
01:20You can't have forgotten me, or you can't have forgotten me.
01:21See you.
01:22Which few people are ik Bulls?
01:22And I don't know what I have said.
01:24Don't you can't have forgotten me?
01:25Go...
01:26I like who I am.
01:30So...
01:31Oh, my goodness.
01:54You're...
01:54Anne Fenton, pleased to meet you.
01:56I think I recognise my own Member of Parliament.
01:59I'm a great admirer.
02:00Great admirer.
02:02Your, uh...
02:03Your respect the veterans' campaign was electric.
02:05Well, someone has to give them a voice.
02:08And we're neighbours.
02:12Sorry.
02:13Brian Ames.
02:14Ames Financial Services.
02:15We're small but enthusiastic.
02:17I'll have to pop in on a walkabout.
02:19Today?
02:21Oh, that's so frustrating.
02:22I've taken the day off to help a friend.
02:23Another time.
02:24Wonderful.
02:25I'll call my assistant Barbara.
02:26Now, what day would best suit...
02:28Another time.
02:29Must go.
02:31Surgery day.
02:32A lot of cross people to suit.
02:34Right.
02:39Bet you're by golly well.
02:40The key is to make them think you're capable of hitting them.
02:46Then you just give out the worksheets.
02:48I love supply teaching.
02:49Good, Dan.
02:50Now, what is this news?
02:51I have to go.
02:52It's bloody full on here.
02:54I'm marking on a Saturday.
02:55What?
02:56Why?
02:56Emma!
02:58Oi!
02:59Sorry, I forgot to say.
03:00I've shaved a new wok.
03:01Polly, hi.
03:02Are you baking again?
03:03Yes.
03:04It's Joe's big shop opening today.
03:07I'm making her some cakes.
03:09Oh, is that today?
03:10That is exciting news.
03:11Yes, it's all very exciting.
03:12Plus, I have my own announcement.
03:14Emma doesn't want to hear about the big trump you did last night.
03:17You animal.
03:18Well, not that, obviously.
03:20Well, last night, you wanted me to call the Guinness Book of Records.
03:22I get bored!
03:25No.
03:27Listen, I...
03:28Emma?
03:31Polly, I was painting the windowsills in the front room.
03:33Now, knock this off.
03:35Oh, well done.
03:37Now then, my little muffin top, have you got a part for my brush?
03:40I'm not sure I've got one big enough.
03:43I think you're overestimating the size of my brush.
03:45Oh, I could just scrub it with some turps.
03:50I'm not very good at the flirty stuff.
03:53I don't know what you see in me, Daddy.
03:54Nor do I.
03:55It's like having a crush on the dwarf and don't look now.
03:58Right, if you'll excuse us, we have something to talk about, Daedalus.
04:02I do wish you'd call him Daddy.
04:04Call me Daddy, lad.
04:05You're all right.
04:06Everybody calls him Daddy.
04:07I don't.
04:08I'm the universal Daddy, that's why.
04:11You are.
04:12I am.
04:12He is.
04:13I am.
04:13He's everybody's Daddy.
04:15He's not my Daddy!
04:20You're not my Daddy, sir.
04:22Hey, lad, what's wrong with thee?
04:24Oh, Joe's card?
04:26Mum, my news!
04:28Hey, thee's a bloated ditch rat, ain't thee?
04:30Here we go.
04:31What's thy news?
04:33You got shit running through thee like a stick of rock?
04:36That's not news.
04:37That's common knowledge.
04:38If this were my house, I'd break thee.
04:43I'd take a pan of hot water to thee face while they slept.
04:47They'd look like the English patient by the time I'd finished.
04:50And I'll tell thee this.
04:55They will call me Daddy.
04:58They will call me Daddy soon enough.
05:02Daniel and I were just saying we might go fishing one day.
05:06Lovely.
05:13What are you doing?
05:15They're making me retake my test, bloody nanny state!
05:19Well, take his car!
05:20Well, use a Jaguar to take your driving test.
05:23The lad's got shit where his brain should live.
05:26Lester's got to take her test.
05:28What do you need the car for?
05:30To drive somewhere and be silly?
05:32I want to go and see my friends.
05:33They might actually be interested in my news.
05:36What news?
05:36Yes, come on, what news?
05:38I'm late, boy.
05:39Well, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently.
05:44And I finally decided that I'm going to go live in America.
05:56Try mastery-washing your own underpants first, Daniel.
06:05I am going to live in America.
06:09My fucking knee!
06:16Not my place, but if I'd used that language in front of my father,
06:19he'd have attacked me with a hammer.
06:21Daniel, come back.
06:22Let me put some ice on your knee.
06:24No, thank you!
06:26Brian, if you're not going to help me stop the shelves,
06:33you can at least tell me what you think of these shop names.
06:35What about Big Shop?
06:37No.
06:38Sexy Tesco?
06:39No.
06:40Death to the West?
06:41What?
06:42Mickey's idea.
06:43Look, Brian, you come up with a name for the shop then.
06:45The Full Mental Breakdown?
06:47That's catchy.
06:49Jo, it has to be a name that reflects what you sell.
06:52But we sell everything.
06:54We've been through this.
06:55Selling one product that begins with every letter of the alphabet is not everything.
06:59What is all this rubbish, anyway?
07:01I got big steps because I do big walking.
07:03That's a beefy-ly wrestling doll.
07:06They're so rare you can't find them on the internet.
07:08I've got 1,400.
07:11Beefy jump high with his mouth real wide.
07:14Are you sure he's a real wrestler?
07:16I've never heard of him.
07:17He's got a doll, Brian.
07:21Well, I have some news.
07:24This whole thing is a bloody disaster.
07:25Who's the guest of honour?
07:26Who's doing the opening?
07:27The monkey.
07:29The monkey.
07:31Mickey's got hold of his uncle's chimp, trained it to bite through ribbons.
07:34For God's sake.
07:36I said I have some news.
07:38Jo, you need a proper guest.
07:39You need press.
07:41I shouldn't use a monkey.
07:42Of course not.
07:43If I did have a monkey, it'd be OK to keep it in the stock cupboard, though, right?
07:50Oh, my God.
07:52Bitch of my golly.
07:52Wow!
07:53Anne Vinson!
07:54I'll call Anne Vinson.
07:55We had an incredible rapport.
07:58Oh, if I could get her down here.
07:59Oh, my.
08:00I wouldn't negate the madness of the shop, but it might provide a distraction.
08:06Last time, I said I have some news.
08:09Dan, I can see you've got a swollen knee.
08:11I've got a monkey who's feelings are about to be very hurt.
08:15I'm training my kids to eat lemons!
08:22Brian!
08:23Brian!
08:24I mean, if you saw her championing veterans in the Commons,
08:28her speech made me leap with excitement.
08:30Christ.
08:31The Anne Vinton.
08:32Yes, well, I'm glad you developed a dinosaur boner for our MP.
08:36Dan, I love the respect.
08:37Oh, God!
08:39Right.
08:41Come with me.
08:41What?
08:42Come with me over here.
08:44It's important.
08:48Right.
08:49I see.
08:51Understood.
08:52That's a great show.
08:54She's busy.
08:55Of course she's busy.
08:56It's surgery day.
08:58That woman really is the consummate public servant.
09:00My God, your knee is enormous.
09:04Never mind my knee.
09:06And can we just forget about Joe's shop for one second?
09:08I brought you here to our old playground for a reason.
09:11We need a plan B.
09:13I guess we could ask that weather girl from local news.
09:16What's her name?
09:17Brian!
09:18Please.
09:18Sit down.
09:19Have a swing.
09:20Okay.
09:27Here goes.
09:29Here goes.
09:31Last week, when I was sitting at Dad's gravestone, I realised this town, Brian, it's my past.
09:40And, well, my future.
09:44Cathy Painter.
09:46What?
09:47The weather girl.
09:49She's no Fintan, but she might attract some press.
09:51Brian, I'm trying to tell you something here.
09:52Yeah.
09:56Okay.
09:58I'm going to America.
10:00Forever.
10:03What do you think?
10:05I think that's not news.
10:08It's massive news.
10:09Have you told Emma?
10:10Got a job?
10:11Well, no.
10:12No.
10:12Thought not.
10:13You may as well have said you're planning on getting a chocolate nose.
10:17It took me a lot of courage to tell you this.
10:18It's not a decision.
10:20It's a win.
10:21Just like resigning.
10:23Just like joining the church.
10:24It's just plucked from the air.
10:26Jesus Christ, Dan.
10:27Even Jo has a strategy for life, and she thinks it's okay for a chimp to open a shop.
10:34Okay.
10:36Let's go and see if Painter's free.
10:38You are unbelievable.
10:41Goodbye.
10:44Where are you going?
10:46Dan?
10:47What the?
10:49Oh, I don't believe this.
10:50Dan!
10:51Dan!
10:55Dan!
11:02Barbara, could you get some bolt cutters?
11:04I'm stuck.
11:06Hello.
11:07Bye-bye.
11:10Hello.
11:11Could I have my phone back, please?
11:12Do you want to push?
11:14Oh, no, thank you.
11:16No, girls, I really don't want to be pushed.
11:17Please, uh, Dan?
11:19Yeah, okay.
11:20Dan!
11:20Okay, girls.
11:21Girls, I really don't want to be...
11:23Girls, please.
11:27Dan!
11:27Lee, how are you getting on, lad?
11:38What?
11:39Well, how fat is it?
11:42A bit fatter than normal?
11:43Well, that's not a fat dog story, then, is it?
11:45Fuckin' hell, lad.
11:47You want me to have a stroke?
11:49But I can't fill space with another shed advert.
11:52There is no fucking shed company, Lee.
11:56I made the bastard up.
11:58Get out.
11:59Hello.
12:01It's got a bit of a local story, if you're interested.
12:03Oh, thank God.
12:04Listen to this shite.
12:05And this, thanks again.
12:06All right, Sarge, you're asking two here.
12:08Could you pick us up some milky biscuits from Tesco?
12:12God knows I've got the column inches, lad.
12:14Oh, dear.
12:17Oh, my.
12:20Jesus, wept on a mountain.
12:22That is an absolute beauty.
12:24Sorry, what is?
12:26Your melon.
12:27Your pumpkin.
12:28That's the front pager.
12:30Let's have a look at it.
12:31Oi, oi, oi, what are you doing?
12:33I've got to relieve the pressure.
12:34It's puffing up like a baboon shitter.
12:36Watch this.
12:39Oh, there you go.
12:41Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:43Oh, Ken, why'd you cut it so high?
12:45You've made me look like Rosemary Ford.
12:47Oh, my life.
12:48It'll write itself, this headline.
12:50Knee willy-winky.
12:52Knee bother.
12:53No.
12:53I got it.
12:54Knee high to a grasshopper.
12:57I'll superimpose a grasshopper on it.
12:59Lee!
13:00Hey, you snaggletooth pubescent.
13:02Get your camera here now.
13:04Massive knee in the office.
13:06My knee isn't the story.
13:08Are you joking?
13:09That's gold.
13:10Look at that shit.
13:12I didn't come in about the knee.
13:14I work at a local school and I'm going to America.
13:19Bloody hell, lad.
13:21I go to Florida once a year.
13:23You want me to write about me and my wife getting bored of each other in Epcot?
13:26Yeah, but I'm going to live there.
13:28It's a headline.
13:29Local boy bids tearful farewell, that sort of thing.
13:32Let's go with the knee.
13:34I'm not offering the knee.
13:35I don't need your permission.
13:36That's public interest.
13:38I'll just run it.
13:39Well, I'll leave before you can get a photo.
13:41Without doing an artist's impression!
13:43What's wrong with you?
13:45America's a great story.
13:47Get off your high horse.
13:48You're just a fat lad with a big knee.
13:50Be thankful I need a story this badly.
13:53Oh, forget it.
13:54No.
13:55Lee, get it.
13:56It's leaving.
13:57Lee, it's going.
13:58Lee!
13:59Get away from me.
13:59Get...
14:00Lee!
14:01My battery's gone.
14:03Fuck me, Lee.
14:04If I sent you to Syria, you'd come back with a photo of a fucking cup.
14:08Piss off.
14:09And tell your mother I'll be back at seven.
14:11Oh, it's what?
14:14Girls, please, stop it.
14:15Yeah.
14:17Please, if you could just pass me my phone in.
14:19Please, girls!
14:20We brushed the man.
14:22Shall we brush his hair?
14:24Oh, for God's sake, where are your parents?
14:27You do realise your pixelated face is now burned into my retinas?
14:42That's how often you're calling.
14:43Yeah, all right.
14:44Listen, have you got a minute?
14:45Oh, let me check.
14:46No.
14:47Did it wait?
14:49Yep.
14:50What's wrong with your knee?
15:02Bloody hell, mate.
15:03Get it last.
15:04Here is like that dress Angela Rickham wore on Malcolm and White.
15:09It'll be like scanners if that pops, mate.
15:11You know, that dress she wore.
15:14No one could believe it, because she's a newsreader.
15:19Hello, dear.
15:29Oh, my God!
15:30I don't want to talk about the knee.
15:34Problems?
15:35Nothing you're interested in.
15:37Try me.
15:39I've already told you.
15:40I'm going to America to live.
15:42Right, well, if that's what you want.
15:45Yeah.
15:46That's about the level of enthusiasm everyone's mustered.
15:48Daniel, what have you done for Jo?
15:52What?
15:52Well, today is Jo's special day, isn't it?
15:55What have you done to help her?
15:56Jo is not the only one who's trying to get on with her bloody life, Nesta.
15:59No, she's the only one sitting in an empty shop,
16:01hoping that her friends will be there for her.
16:05Now, we will talk about your American trip later.
16:09And then perhaps you can help me work out
16:12what I'm going to do now that I've lost my driving licence.
16:16You failed?
16:17Yes!
16:22Still, not about us today, eh?
16:27Oh, shit!
16:29Nesta, I think I've got an idea.
16:39We should get in the car.
16:40We can't drive with that knee.
16:42No.
16:43I can't.
16:44Hello, gents.
16:51Christ, what have you done to your knee?
16:53You can't bring it out of the window.
16:54You've got people off their bikes.
16:55It's not even the half of it.
16:57This old lady hasn't even got a driving licence.
16:59He's right.
17:00I failed my test.
17:01But I've got to get around, so fuck it, eh, boys?
17:04Kiss my fat knee, you bastard goblin shits.
17:06Miss, Miss, Miss, Miss!
17:15Pity lady, pity lady, pity lady, pity lady, pity lady.
17:18Help!
17:20Daniel, I can't lose them.
17:22Good.
17:23That's the point.
17:24Brian might not be able to get on Fenton's shop, but maybe I can.
17:27Hello?
17:33Yes.
17:34Could you tell Miss Fenton something?
17:36Could you tell her there's an 80-year-old on the high street that's about to be arrested?
17:40Yep.
17:41Oh, yes, she's distressed.
17:43Yes, she's a veteran.
17:45From pensioner to fugitive!
17:48Lee, you'd better get down there.
17:50It's a police change, you wonky-tooth turd.
17:52And get my angina pills.
17:54My ticker's going like the on-call fucking stomp.
17:562-5-5.
17:572-5-5.
17:59Well, it's not the dream launch I'd hoped for.
18:02I guess I'll just open it.
18:09Turn the engine off and get out of the car!
18:14Hands up on the shop, I think.
18:152-5-5.
18:16What the hell is going on?
18:18She was determined to be here for the launch of her granddaughter's shop.
18:21There's no one to do the official opening, so she would do it herself.
18:25You know veterans.
18:27Gentlemen, a word.
18:30Have you any idea what this looks like?
18:37Girls, I have somewhere to go.
18:39My friend's shop opening.
18:42Please, get away from him!
18:46Barbara.
18:49Thank God.
18:53Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming today.
18:56To welcome this new shop to our high streets.
18:59It's so important to keep our high streets alive.
19:06Anne, Brian Ames. Sorry to keep you. I got jammed in a swing.
19:12Brian, don't be so selfish.
19:15Today is not about us.
19:17I declare this eclectic new shop open.
19:22Three, two, one!
19:26Three, two, one!
19:27Three, two, one!
19:30Jesus Christ, you can't call it that!
19:32We do, Brian.
19:33We cater for everyone's special needs.
19:36Lee, shut your fucked up mouth and take a picture!
19:41Lee, shut your fucked up mouth and take a picture!
19:45Not that! And me!
19:47Give me!
19:48She sells some lovely things. I might buy a beefy Lee.
20:02I'm back in the office tomorrow if you'd like a tour.
20:05And will you still have a swing attached to your backside?
20:09Thanks, Dan. It's a well good opening.
20:11For a while there, Brian convinced me this whole shop idea was mental.
20:15No.
20:16You're not really going to America, are you?
20:17Yeah, I think I am.
20:18I'm not sure how yet, but yeah.
20:19You'll be back for weekends though, all right?
20:20Yes.
20:21Thanks, Dan.
20:22It's a well good opening.
20:23For a while there, Brian convinced me this whole shop idea was mental.
20:24No.
20:25You're not really going to America, are you?
20:26Yeah.
20:27I think I am.
20:28I'm not sure how yet, but yeah.
20:29You'll be back for weekends though, right?
20:30Yes.
20:31Thanks for the invite, Dan.
20:32So, you're in the knee off to America then, eh?
20:34Mm.
20:35Flashy.
20:36You'll miss the kids though, right?
20:37Well, I fucked.
20:38Well, I fucked.
20:39Your mum's fella is odd.
20:40He asked me to call him Duddy.
20:42I told him, buy me a gin and I'll call you what you like.
20:47So, come on.
20:48Well, we didn't find a good day.
20:51You weren't out of town, you weren't out of town.
20:52It should not be a good day.
20:54You didn't find a good day.
20:55Or we didn't find a good day.
20:56You don't know what you'd like to do up with, I'm not sure.
20:57I was just sitting there, I'm not 100% out of time.
20:58You didn't find a good day.
20:59I didn't find a good day.
21:00You didn't find a good day before.
21:01I was so surprised, I didn't find a good day.
21:03But, you know, I didn't find a good day before we met, I said,
21:04I called him Daddy. I told him, buy me a gin and I'll call you what you like.
21:08See, they potty mouth women these days.
21:11Bit of disgrace.
21:12Aye, they weren't lucky enough, lass.
21:34Hey, hey, we're the monkeys. And people say we monkey around.
21:50But we're too busy singing to put anybody down.
21:56We're just trying to be friendly. Come and watch us sing and play.
22:01We're the young generation and we've got something to say.
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