- 2 days ago
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00:00I was just thinking about you falling into the Christmas tree last year.
00:22I didn't fall into anything.
00:23What are you doing in that?
00:25Well, take the BMW, come on.
00:26It's not yours.
00:27It will be, though.
00:28Not necessarily. He may not have left it to you.
00:31Of course he will have. You can't drive.
00:40Come here.
00:42Oh, I do wish you'd shave off that moustache.
00:46Bot cattle? Come on.
00:49Let's go and get it over with.
00:58Oh, this is bloody ridiculous.
01:22Yes, well, I'm sorry, but your father left very specific instructions.
01:27Yes, clearly.
01:28Can we just...
01:29Oh, God.
01:36It was your dad's favourite.
01:39Oh, I see. I'm in hell.
01:43Continue.
01:43I, Richard Davis, being of sound mind, do make this my will and final testament.
01:50My darling wife, Polly, you are a wonderful woman, and to you I leave my share of the house and all of my savings.
01:57In addition, I ask this, please move on, find a man, someone who will give you what you so desperately need, a man with real girth.
02:08You know what I'm talking about, you naughty pussycat. You need lots of cream, like all pussycats do.
02:15Christ.
02:15I do like cream.
02:17Can we...
02:17Of course.
02:18Remember our first holiday in Spain, when I was as horny as a bullock.
02:22Fuck it.
02:23I took you in that field behind Salvador's bar, and you started howling over my back.
02:29And even though it hurt like hell the next day, and the smell was unbearable, we both agreed it was worth it.
02:37Daniel, my son, you can't have my car.
02:40I love you, but you are the weakest Daniel of all the Daniels, Daniel Craig and Danny Glover, to name but two.
02:50Even Daniel Radcliffe could overpower you easily, even if he was tired from a long day of filming.
02:56So, Daddy will, as ever, have to step in. I leave you the flat.
03:01Bloody hell!
03:04I own home.
03:05However, you're obviously not ready for the pressures of a property portfolio, and your mum is too soft.
03:12And so I have made some arrangements.
03:16We haven't seen Auntie Nestor since I was about four.
03:19Why the hell would he put her in charge?
03:21No idea.
03:22They were never close, and the one time she did visit, she clearly hated you.
03:27What?
03:27Why?
03:28Well, you were so long and strange-looking, Daniel.
03:32I could barely get you in the pram.
03:34You unsettled everyone.
03:35Your dad used to tell people your hormones were all wrong.
03:38I bet he did.
03:39He was very proud of you.
03:42Bollocks.
03:42I was a toy to him.
03:44And now, well, it sounds melodramatic, but he's trying to destroy me from beyond the grave.
03:48He's not trying to destroy you from beyond the grave, Daniel.
03:51He is.
03:52But it won't work.
03:53I'll go and get the bloody thing signed today.
03:55On Christmas Eve?
03:56Yes.
03:57Give me the waiver, Emperor Palpatine.
03:59Head of the household.
04:03Well, head of the household, how are you going to get there?
04:06What?
04:09Oh, happy fucking Christmas.
04:14Is it like this?
04:17Well, no, not really.
04:18Ah.
04:19More like this one?
04:22It burns when I go to the toilet.
04:24It's not remotely like Christmas lights.
04:25Say that.
04:27What about this one?
04:29Thought so.
04:31Ouch.
04:32Don't worry.
04:32We'll sort you out for some ho-ho-hanty-biotics.
04:37Merry Christmas!
04:38Can I have a word, please, Joe?
04:54Oh, Emma, hi.
04:56Oh, hello.
04:57Bit of last-minute shopping?
04:58Oh, yeah, with a shocking hangover, unfortunately.
05:01Oh, were you out last night?
05:02Yeah, just a few from work.
05:04Oh, who was there?
05:06Oh, um, the usual, Jenny, Martin.
05:08Alistair from maths.
05:09Yeah, I was there, yeah.
05:10Oh, was he wearing dupe?
05:14Did you not get the round robin?
05:15I don't know.
05:16Let's have a look, shall we?
05:17Oh, no.
05:19I blocked last night out to be with Mum,
05:21cos it was the real rating today.
05:23How was it?
05:24Is your mum OK?
05:25She's fine.
05:26She had me, so, you know...
05:28A real scaffolding of strength.
05:31God.
05:32I forgot, actually.
05:33I've got an appointment on January 2nd with, um...
05:36Tony Shingler.
05:37Who?
05:38Shingler's Carpet Barn.
05:39I thought I might get me some new carpets.
05:41It seems like a false economy in a rented place, doesn't it?
05:45But does Alistair from maths rent?
05:49Are you OK, Dan?
05:50All right, sir.
05:52Finally asked myself, did you?
05:54What is that on your top left?
05:56This is my time!
05:57You total loser.
06:01What about wet room?
06:03I'm going to go now, Dan.
06:05Happy Christmas.
06:09See you soon.
06:10Set the spiders to fly.
06:19You.
06:19Come on.
06:20We've got something to do.
06:20How do you know I'd be in here?
06:21You've been sacked again, right?
06:28Looking forward to Christmas, Shakira?
06:29Go shit off a rope swing.
06:31Yep.
06:32I robbed them blind.
06:33Certain wife is sacking me.
06:34How am I grateful?
06:35If anyone into Christmas is there, I'll tell you another...
06:37Just get out.
06:37Born a king on Bethlehem's plain.
06:41Lord, I bring to crown him again.
06:45King forever ceasing, never over us all to reign.
06:50Oh, star of wonder, star of night, star with royal beauty bright, westward leading, still proceeding, guide us to thine perfect light.
07:05You can't keep using it.
07:08It says here in black and white, if there's anything I can do, you only need to ask.
07:13You shouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it, Brian.
07:15It was six months ago.
07:16I think I've been pretty supportive.
07:19And where the hell are we?
07:20I presumed you would know where your own aunt lives.
07:24Unqualified, blah, blah.
07:25Inappropriate grotto.
07:26Nothing about why I was sacked.
07:28Total mystery, crazy Rudolph.
07:30Yes.
07:31And can you take those off?
07:31They're going to scuff the roof lining.
07:33As if I haven't superglued them.
07:35She fully commits to Christmas.
07:37You know that, Brian.
07:38Old school.
07:38Yes.
07:39What's offensive about that?
07:52Yeah, shut up now.
07:53We're here.
07:55Christ.
07:55There's effluent everywhere.
07:57The scenic will be covered.
07:58Oh, take your caps lock off.
08:00Bit of mud on your tyres.
08:01There'll be body flick-up.
08:02It's basic physics.
08:04Hurry up and get the bloody thing signed.
08:07Oh, right.
08:08Just bowl in there and slam a waver down, shall I?
08:10Honestly, Brian.
08:11I do things differently now.
08:13She's just lost her brother.
08:15I need to empathise with her and then I'll cajole.
08:17That's what they say about me these days.
08:19He empathises.
08:20And then, and only then, does he cajole.
08:25They don't say anything about you.
08:27Did you get her a crimbo prezzy, mate?
08:29Oh, shit.
08:32What's this?
08:33It's a painting for Julia.
08:34Just get out.
08:35My God, you're a selfish man.
08:42And you're not getting back in this car with muddy feet.
08:49Look at that bloody suit.
08:51Yeah, he's really got his act together since his dad died.
08:55Yes.
08:55Yes, he has.
09:05Yes, he has.
09:07Heel!
09:08No!
09:09He's gone!
09:12What do you think of this bastard?
09:15He seems like a nice tract.
09:17Now, you have got the time for me to walk round this corner, to tell me who you are, and then all hell will break loose.
09:28Oh.
09:29Oh, no, that's fine.
09:30I mean, you probably recognise me.
09:31If you imagine me without the moustache, you probably...
09:32Come on, speak your great fat giraffe, or I'm going to get my gun.
09:36No.
09:37No, you don't...
09:37Piss!
09:38Piss!
09:38Come on, it's gun time!
09:42It's not a gun!
09:43Come on, piss!
09:44She's got a fucking gun!
09:46This does not bode well.
09:49Barry, if you do not fairness me with venison by this evening, you know what the consequences will be.
09:56Bon bloody chance!
10:00Why didn't you tell me you were Richard's boy?
10:04Well, I sort of thought you might be able to...
10:05The same rubbered face?
10:07No question whose tangerines you flew out of.
10:11So, what are you?
10:14Hello, I'm Joe.
10:16I like what you did with your face.
10:17You've made it red.
10:18Very Christmassy.
10:24Does she have a helper?
10:25They do have helpers nowadays, don't they?
10:30Where is it?
10:31Oh, Nesta.
10:33Happy Christmas.
10:35What the hell is this?
10:41Just, er...
10:42That's a painting I did.
10:48It's a knight.
10:49It's Brian.
10:50I don't have time for this.
10:52I have enough on my hands with this hairy cretin.
10:55I am not looking at you, Piss, and I shan't.
10:58Okay.
10:59Nesta, I...
11:01The thing is, I...
11:02Sorry, Nesta, I...
11:03Yeah, Auntie...
11:04Auntie Nesta!
11:07I'm sorry to raise my voice, but I'm afraid I've come here with some bad news.
11:11You see, it's...
11:12It's Dad, he's...
11:13Dead?
11:17Feared as much.
11:18Did you?
11:18This is the first year he hasn't rung me up, pretending to be someone else, telling me he's dead.
11:23Oh, I suspected he'd go first.
11:28Had no purpose, you see.
11:36Well, there you go.
11:37People die.
11:40Good luck, Dickie.
11:42What is it?
11:42Is that it?
11:44Well, do you want me to suckle you, boy?
11:47No.
11:48Okay, look.
11:50Dad left me the flat in his will.
11:52But for some reason, he stipulated that I can't have it until you say so, so...
11:57I've got this wave there.
11:58If you could...
11:58Look at my list.
12:03Barry will be back any second, empty-handed.
12:06I shall have to punish him and go out and bag a deer myself.
12:10So.
12:10If you want me to sign that waiver, you are going to have to earn it.
12:18Nobody gets something for nothing at Rosebush Farm!
12:24Bring me flesh and bring me wine.
12:33Loads to be done.
12:35Come on, hound.
12:37Barry has failed us.
12:39Right.
12:40Is this all part of your plan?
12:42I'm adapting my plan.
12:43Cool.
12:45Okay, okay.
12:46Well, I'll stop bringing Christmas.
12:47I'm thinking, defrost her freezer, use the sludge to make a snowman.
12:52You've lost three jobs in three weeks.
12:55You touch nothing.
12:57Right.
12:58Think I can handle bringing a turkey in from a shed and popping it in the oven?
13:01Hey, Dad!
13:02By the way, what the fuck is this?
13:08I think that will really put Jersey on the map, said Bergerac.
13:14He puts on his tweed jacket...
13:15Shoot!
13:15Shoot!
13:16Buzz off!
13:18Please, not like this.
13:30I have children!
13:31Give it a kiss.
13:34What?
13:35Give my gun a little kiss.
13:38Good.
13:44Don't throw things at my cow again.
13:48The poor old soul has quite enough on her plate as it is.
13:53Ah!
13:54There you are, Barry.
13:55Walk behind me.
13:57I am incredibly angry with you.
13:59Do you understand?
14:01I think I'm going to hit you.
14:03Well, mate, I didn't expect you to be alive, but here we are.
14:27It looks like new dad has got a few more tests to pass yet.
14:30I can hear Dad laughing there.
14:33You can't do it, Daniel.
14:34You're too weak, but...
14:36But he was wrong.
14:38He was always wrong.
14:40Alive for a life, old friend.
14:44Alive for a life.
14:48Hmm.
14:54Oh!
14:55Oh!
14:56Oh!
14:56Oh!
14:58Oh!
14:59Oh!
15:00Oh!
15:00Oh!
15:00Oh!
15:08Oh!
15:09Oh, my God!
15:11It won't die!
15:12It won't fucking die!
15:17Help me!
15:22Ah!
15:22Oh!
15:27Ah!
15:28Ah!
15:28Ah!
15:29Ah!
15:29you bloody fool you let it escape what the hell are you doing you're supposed to be getting a
15:40waiver signed i was helping my aunt prepare for christmas but now it would appear i'm on the hunt
15:45for an escaped turkey so mother worried about getting your dress dirty you don't think maybe
15:50she meant that turkey right we just need to get this in the oven brian oh we're cooking now are we
16:01dan i only told the vicar i was popping out for a packet of tunes it's all under control no it isn't
16:07it never is oh i see can't bear it can you when someone else starts getting their life together
16:13you really need to take a look at the man in the mirror don't you want michael jackson at me
16:17and i am aware of the lip brian the pain is sickening i'm not talking about the turkey
16:23bite i'm talking about all of it these are minor setbacks mr throw the towel in don't you dare
16:29call me mr throw the towel in why because you know your name maybe i should use some of your other
16:34names mr know-it-all mr tedious prefer them oh mr buy a packet of sweets and make it last for a month
16:41mr watches his car rather than talks to his wife and he's hitting home okay you've clearly
16:47lost it lost what mr watch reruns of the space shuttle lodge one more and i leave the ice is that
16:55thin daniel oh mr thin ice mr goodbye you're not going anywhere don't get turkey juice on my
17:04serpents you're here why what's going on here stop fighting it's christmas
17:12oh no i haven't quite finished
17:17finished finished what
17:21tampax and condoms oh my god wicked right
17:29what have you done she said we had to help with her christmas list
17:35oh no and where on the christmas list did it say stick some nodders on a tree
17:40i had to improvise from the clinic obviously i think she'll like it she won't like it no one would
17:47like it tell her brian who cares nesta's insane she made me kiss a gun because i threw a travel
17:54so he did a cow a christmas tree with condoms on it isn't going to trouble her
17:58that's my painting you bastard after i drove you here
18:03yes and maybe if i hadn't given my auntie a weird painting of a droopy moustached financial
18:10sir galahad we wouldn't be in this mess i mean what the fuck
18:14god that gobbling bastard's in the house we've got to stop it before nesta gets back
18:20brian brian listen listen i've revised my plan it's okay brian you get in the bucket of that digger
18:29over there and i'll get you up through the open window and you can stop the turkey he wants me
18:33again now typical well no not this time you can't walk away from this brian you promised
18:40oh well done brian the waiver was in there it's okay i think if we get in the house i can probably
18:52sell a tape this why the hell do you need it signed today anyway why today dan you could ask emma to move
18:58with him oh dan you've only had one drink with the girl i just thought if i owned a place
19:04if i could move things on a bit there's this guy at work alistair he's just better
19:12that's it keep going keep going keep going keep going keep going
19:26how has this happened
19:27what are you doing
19:42what are you doing
19:49i can't work out how to swivel it around
19:52the turkey's going mental i can hear you you corn fed twat can't you just jump the gap brian
20:00i think you might be confusing me with et
20:02am i knowing you wouldn't know how to drive a digger
20:05i can drive a digger i just can't drive this digger i'm sorry i can't drive enough diggers for you
20:10guys i honestly think she'll like the tree
20:13shut the fuck up
20:16nesta that's not her dear it's joe
20:21dad look out she's got a gun
20:23nesta wait don't shoot
20:25oh she shot the cow
20:37this is not bringing christmas
20:41shut up the cow hasn't been shot
20:44she's in breach
20:46won't live
20:47poor old girl
20:49no
20:50there must be something you could do
20:53too old for pulling the buggers out any longer and i haven't got the strength
20:58i'll do it
21:01what
21:02i think
21:04no
21:06seriously
21:08i'll do it
21:10i mean this is awful
21:14how long is this supposed to take
21:15stop moaning boy just
21:17just grab
21:18what am i supposed to be grabbing nesta
21:20i might pay to dunk him with that log in flash gordon
21:22come on what can you feel i can feel the inside of a cow it's disgusting
21:27get it off boy get it off
21:29i've got it i think i've got it off
21:30well pull it then pull it come on pull your great daddy fat legs
21:34oh my god oh my god oh christ
21:41oh
21:43oh
21:45i did it
21:46it's like it's like a baby jesus
21:48it isn't
21:49odd isn't
21:51odd isn't it
21:56life
21:57so precious
21:59one forgets
22:01yes sir
22:02dad would have never have done this would he
22:04what
22:05no no he never liked getting his hands dirty
22:07was too busy swanning off to university in a scarf
22:11he was a funny bugger though
22:16come on crazy girl show me what you've done to my tree
22:20you're very lucky you know in my day you would have been wandering around a village with a bell around your neck
22:26oh
22:27oh
22:28thank you
22:29yeah
22:30hear that old man
22:32maybe i'm a stronger daniel than you thought
22:34dan
22:35brian this is great i really think i've drawn a line under something here
22:38you know why your dad tried to wind you up don't you
22:42what
22:43he thought you were mates
22:45he thought you were his best mate
22:49i'm sorry you're missing your choir
22:59come on
23:00i'll take you home
23:02dan
23:03no
23:12no
23:16well i'd better get the land rover
23:27happy christmas
23:28thank you
23:30absent friends
23:33holly i need you
23:36your puny little oven won't take the ham i bought
23:40what the hell we're going to eat on boxing day god alone knows
23:43how you two have survived alone is a complete mystery
23:48how is she staying
23:50i don't know
23:51it's lovely that she's here though isn't it
23:54ja
24:04he
24:07a
24:08a
24:11We wish you a wobbling
24:28Merry Christmas
24:30Open your eyes
24:39Look to the skies
24:41When you're lonely
24:43There will be stars
24:47Shining for you
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