- 2 days ago
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00:00.
00:10Wait.
00:12Hi. Cup tea, please.
00:14How come he can push to the front of the queue? He's a police officer.
00:17He's needed on the beat, not queuing for tea.
00:19He's a police community support officer.
00:21What's he in a rush for? Someone dropped a double-decker wrapper?
00:23They have a higher level of custodial power than you'd imagine.
00:26Oh, they have a higher custodial power than you'd imagine.
00:29Hello. My name's Janet Street Poulter.
00:32What are you doing?
00:34Well, look, doing impressions.
00:36Well, you're not doing a...
00:38So what crime is he actually qualified to deal with?
00:40I don't know the specifics. Anyway, this is a name, like most things you want to talk about.
00:44None of us know what police community support officers are allowed to do.
00:47Why don't you ask Big Dave Bowers? He's a copper.
00:49He's a butcher, Jo.
00:50What's with the uniform, then?
00:54This is going to be anarchy when this gets out.
00:56No, no it isn't, because no-one else is wasting their life pondering nonsense.
00:59Oh, it's nonsense, is it?
01:00Right.
01:01Well, when we're in the pub tonight, if there's any police about, I shall help myself to beer and crisps.
01:06And if anyone questions me, I'll smack them in the goof with a pool cue, shall I, Brian?
01:10Fine. Thankfully, I won't be there to see it. I'm not coming out this weekend.
01:14What do you mean?
01:15Julie's taking the girls to her mum's. I've got the place to myself.
01:18It's Friday night, mate. It's the cider quiz.
01:20I'm sorry. I've got a weekend of sheer bliss lined up. Gonna have me some Brian time.
01:24Result! Bag of sausage!
01:27Hold on to your tits. He's not coming to the cider quiz.
01:29Yeah, neither am I.
01:30Oh, my God!
01:31I've got the health and beauty conference. I'm launching my new business. The PMT.
01:35Don't tell me. I'll worry.
01:37Don't leave me on my own all weekend. I don't like Dan time. I don't like Brian time.
01:44Come out!
01:45Oi! I'll get Bobby for you to muck about!
01:50Sir, you've got a class. Miss Lipsey said to come and get you.
01:54Bugger off, you little grass, eh?
01:56Well, all right, I'm coming.
02:04Oh, my God! Dad's boss! He's tiny!
02:10.
02:21.
02:29Jesus.
02:47Hello, you all right?
02:53Fuck off.
02:54Sorry?
02:55You ran me over.
02:56Oh, no, I didn't. You were already down.
02:59Liar.
03:00Honestly, you were already down.
03:01You did knock him down. I saw it.
03:04What the fuck?
03:05I'm a witness. You hit him, you will rot in prison for this, you lanky, fat weirdo.
03:12Get up, Dad. Jesus.
03:15Oh, villain. Villain. Smiling, damned villain.
03:20I can't wait to put you in a home.
03:23What a nasty boy.
03:26He must be punished.
03:39Shit, is it your birthday?
03:41Why would I be putting your banner up for my own birthday?
03:44Dementia.
03:45It's your niece's birthday.
03:46She doesn't live here, you ludicrous old goon.
03:48Your sister's here with Lucy.
03:50We're having a birthday party for her and all her little friends tomorrow.
03:54Oh, no.
03:56Not children.
03:58Not at the weekend.
03:59No, I won't allow it.
04:00I won't disturb you.
04:01Don't worry.
04:02Your dad and I have got it all organised.
04:04Do you mean the wart suicide jester in the road?
04:06No.
04:07Your dad.
04:08Right.
04:09Well, I'll have nothing to do with your jamboree of screaming and piss.
04:13You're not invited.
04:15We want the kids to have a safe party.
04:17I could help.
04:21No.
04:22No, thank you, sweetheart.
04:23Hey, I'm not offering, but if I wanted to, I could be of help.
04:27No.
04:29Oh, no.
04:36Uncle Dad.
04:38Oh, you horrible little scumbag.
04:40I hate you.
04:41It's my birthday, so I'm having a party.
04:43I know.
04:44It's going to be rubbish.
04:46Right, sis?
04:47Hello, Dan.
04:47You're rubbish.
04:49Oh, Lucy.
04:49You're rubbish, mate.
04:50You can't even drive.
04:52She can't.
04:53Can we sing the poo song?
04:55No, you know I don't like that song.
04:57Oh.
04:58Oh.
04:59Uh-oh.
04:59Oh, the hippo was kicked out of the zoo.
05:06Why?
05:06Because he did a massive poo.
05:08Why?
05:09He pooed on a tiger.
05:11He pooed on a mouse.
05:12He even did a massive poo in the penguin's mouth.
05:15Oh.
05:16Oh.
05:17The penguin was angry and he spat the poo right out.
05:21Oh.
05:22Oh.
05:23Yeah, thank you very much, Dan.
05:24That'll do.
05:25Lucy, do you want to go and get your pyjamas on?
05:26Oh, I want to stay and play with Uncle Dad.
05:29Get going.
05:30We can play at the party tomorrow, you idiot.
05:31We can't.
05:32Mum says you're not invited.
05:35You know I hate that song.
05:37Hang on a minute.
05:38What does she mean I'm not invited?
05:40I thought Mum was joking.
05:42I wasn't.
05:43I'm not invited.
05:44Why not?
05:45Don't make me spell it out, Dan.
05:47You and a room full of other people's kids
05:49singing about animals shitting in each other's mouths.
05:52I don't think so.
05:53No, thank you.
05:56Oh.
05:56I suppose that lunatic's invited, though, is he?
05:58Dad's doing a little show for the kiddies.
06:01Now, what's happening with you and Naomi?
06:02Why do people keep asking me this?
06:04She's gone.
06:05Oh, Dan, but she's such a lovely girl.
06:08She's an angel.
06:09Oh, rail it in, old woman.
06:11I worry about you, that's all.
06:13I mean, you're a nice enough bloke,
06:14but I think you're going to die alone.
06:17Oh, I'm a nice enough bloke, am I?
06:19Would a nice enough bloke do this?
06:21Daniel, that's Lucy's favourite, Johnny.
06:26Johnny!
06:28You know, it's nice to be needed.
06:31It's a good feeling.
06:33That little girl, trust me, absolutely.
06:36Who needs you, Daniel?
06:37This old prune for a start.
06:43Ladies and gentlemen, the personal makeover tent.
06:47A one-off grooming solution.
06:50Care for a free consultancy?
06:54Care for a free consultancy?
06:57Anyone?
06:57Hi, can I speak to Naomi, please?
07:10It's a friend.
07:12Now, I won't take part in a vetting process, sir.
07:17Yes, I can prove it.
07:18She's got a horrible mole like a shrunken child's face
07:21just inside her bikini line.
07:22Yeah.
07:23Yes.
07:24Happy?
07:24Yeah, I'll leave a message.
07:28It's her dad.
07:29I've had a fall.
07:31Ooh!
07:35Oh, fucking hell.
07:37You can't resist calling, can you?
07:38I was just ringing her to ask if she thought I was trustworthy.
07:41What's wrong with that?
07:42You could have asked yourself.
07:44Tomorrow?
07:46What do you mean?
07:47Oh, he doesn't know, does he?
07:50No.
07:51What don't I know?
07:54Naomi's coming to the party.
07:56Lucy's party?
07:58They've invited her!
08:00I don't fucking believe this!
08:05Now, I can see straight away some basics we can deal with
08:08before we deal with the overall look.
08:09I'm not sure I even want...
08:11That has completely redefined your cheekbones.
08:17Oh, listen, I...
08:18You've got a little bit of a monobrow going on.
08:21However, if we take a bit of weight out of the central growth,
08:24it'll really help the shape of your face.
08:25I think I should...
08:26I've got something for Mexico.
08:27It's a product.
08:28Take the whole section out.
08:29Wait a sec.
08:30Holy mother of fuck.
08:38Thank you so much.
08:53Have a good evening, madam.
08:54Thank you so much.
08:55Thank you, madam.
08:58That must be nice.
08:59Beg pardon, sir?
09:00To be trusted.
09:02Or part of the job, sir?
09:03Oh, you're not a real one.
09:07We were talking about you earlier.
09:10So, could you move along, please, and try to do my job?
09:12Is it like, um, a hobby for you?
09:14Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
09:17Here we go, another joker!
09:19I was only asking...
09:19No, I'm not full-time!
09:21No, I don't have the same arrest powers, OK?
09:22Is that what you want?
09:23I'm just trying to give something back!
09:24I'm fucking sick of this!
09:25No, no, no, I think you do great work.
09:27I was just wondering...
09:28Wondering what?
09:28If I do this as my social life?
09:30Yeah, I do.
09:31Happy?
09:32You look good.
09:33You look like a real policeman.
09:34Fucking, I'm a real policeman!
09:36What do you think that is?
09:36Scotch mist!
09:37I'll radio the fucking station, shall I?
09:39Get a fucking Black Mariah down here!
09:41Then we'll see who's part-time, shall we?
09:42Get a fucking dog team down here!
09:44Is that what you want?
09:45Get bitten by a massive fucking dog!
09:47I'm really sorry.
09:48Just fuck us out of here!
09:50I'm sick of this shit!
09:52You all right, Tony?
09:52Leave it!
09:55What are you doing?
09:56They're just eyebrows!
09:57I've got my cream here!
09:59Let me just let me sort it out!
10:00Pop!
10:00Pop!
10:02Pop!
10:06Pop!
10:07Pop!
10:09What has happened here, he sleeps, we are such stuff as dreams are made on and our little
10:38life is rounded with a sleep. Shall we wake him? Why ever not? But how? A gentle shake? No, no, no, no.
10:59The fuck is there now? Morning, Daniel. Time to get up.
11:05When we're together, touching each other, and our bodies do what we feel.
11:29Oh, here's a sight for sore eyes. Hello, Joe. How was the cider quiz?
11:36We came last. We just bought a shitload. Lucy, do you remember Auntie Jo?
11:40No. Do you want to come to my party? No, she doesn't. And while we're on the subject, who invited Naomi?
11:46Naomi's like family. I am family. She dumped me. Yay, Naomi!
11:53Judas. I like your head.
11:58I like your head. I don't know how to speak to them.
12:00It's very nice to see you two, but you'll need to go out soon. The kiddies will be arriving.
12:04So, are you serious? I can't actually stay? Correct.
12:08Oh, come on. Let me do something, please.
12:11Well, we do need the cake collected. No way.
12:15Can I go? Absolutely not.
12:17Wait. Please let me get the cake. I really need this, Daisy.
12:23Go on, then. Go and get your shoes, Lucy. Yay!
12:30I'll go and get a booster seat. So, erm, what do you like, Lucy?
12:35I like ponies.
12:38Wicked. I used to have a horse.
12:41What? Did you?
12:43Really? A horse on your own? Did you ride him?
12:47I tried. But he went mental in the wind, so we had to knacker him for glue.
12:52Joe!
12:53Sorry. Sorry.
12:56My dad had to kill him because he was bad in the head.
13:03No!
13:04Aunty Joe's joking, Lucy. The horse is fine.
13:08I'm not. I'm not joking. My dad had to hit him twice before he went down.
13:12He bit me in the tit while I...
13:16Good.
13:17Er...
13:22My cake!
13:23Look at the size of this. It's ridiculous.
13:25Oh, it reminds me of Duncan.
13:27Duncan the horse?
13:28Yeah.
13:29Open the back door. I'm going to have to put this on the seat.
13:31There's shit loads of unopened letters in there.
13:33Fucking pin them. This weighs a ton.
13:35Okay.
13:36It's ridiculous. Act of madness.
13:38How many kids does she have into this party?
13:40Uncle Dan? That's Naomi!
13:42What?
13:43Oh, this is perfect.
13:45Naomi!
13:46Naomi!
13:47Naomi!
13:48Naomi!
13:49Naomi!
13:50Naomi!
13:51Naomi!
13:52Naomi!
13:53Naomi!
13:54Naomi!
13:55Naomi!
13:56Naomi!
13:58Tan, did you ring my office yesterday?
14:01No.
14:02Look! The child!
14:04Yes, I can see that.
14:06Happy birthday, Lucy!
14:08I'm going to my party!
14:10They've let me come down to pick up the cake.
14:13Right.
14:14Yes, I am.
14:15Looks like I'm pretty trustworthy, eh?
14:17The actual birthday child.
14:19We've already picked up the cake.
14:20It's gone beautifully.
14:22See you at the party!
14:24No!
14:25No, you can't!
14:26You can't take it!
14:27You can't take it!
14:28No!
14:29Lucy!
14:30You just stay there, okay?
14:31Lucy!
14:32Stay right there, okay?
14:33No!
14:34No!
14:35You can't!
14:36You can't take it!
14:37You can't take Duncan!
14:38No!
14:39Joe, what the fuck?
14:40Don't they take a Duncan?
14:45He's walking!
14:46He's walking!
14:47They've taken him to the compound!
14:49I tried to take them to stop!
14:50I tried to get the...
15:03Joe! What the fuck?
15:04I can't make him stop!
15:05I said stop!
15:06I said don't do it!
15:07I can't make him stop!
15:08Calm down!
15:09Calm down!
15:10Breathe.
15:11Breathe.
15:12Right.
15:13Now why did you let him take it?!
15:15It's all right.
15:17Auntie Jo is confusing your cake for a horse called Duncan.
15:21I've got to get him back.
15:23Poor Duncan!
15:24The car pounds miles away!
15:26How are we going to get there?
15:28You couldn't do it, could you?
15:29You couldn't just let me be for one day.
15:32Mate, this is an emergency.
15:33Caused by you.
15:35I never need your help, do I?
15:36It's always this way round.
15:38How is any of this my fault?
15:40I didn't know I wasn't insured.
15:44You always know.
15:46You must always know.
15:49You set up a direct debit and you monitor it.
15:51You get a bank statement and you check it.
15:53You put a note in your diary.
15:55You cross-reference.
15:56You get your bank to send you confirmation, which you put in a drawer.
15:58You check that drawer on a monthly basis.
16:00You put your statements in a folder in that drawer.
16:02You check your outgoings and make sure that they are consistent.
16:04You never presume that your direct debit is more important to someone else than it is to you.
16:08You protect your earnings.
16:09You check your cover.
16:10You never, ever, ever get caught out.
16:14Don't get upset.
16:26You're right.
16:28Pathetic.
16:31You're not pathetic.
16:34Remember at school, we were all getting bullied by Andrew Tate.
16:38No one would stand up to him, but you had a fight with him, didn't you?
16:41Yeah, but...
16:42Jo, you remember that fight you had with Andrew Tate?
16:44Yeah, I remember you training for that fight.
16:46Running off all those steps, eating raw eggs, punching frozen meat.
16:49And you kept shouting,
16:50Adrian!
16:52Adrian!
16:52Get back in the car!
16:53No one would stand up to him, but you did.
17:00Yeah.
17:02Yeah, I did.
17:04Then he beat the shit out of me, didn't he, Brian?
17:06And then every day for a month, he came round and he shat on my mum's lawn, do you remember?
17:11Mum had to call the police in the end, and then they made me see a social worker.
17:14They said I'd caused it all.
17:16Then, of course, eventually, Andrew Tate got put into a home.
17:19And as my mum had a breakdown, we would see her.
17:21Do you remember?
17:22Walking round the town with that shopping trolley full of soil, shouting,
17:25Who likes my cocoa powder?
17:26Who wants to see my cocoa powder?
17:28It was awful, Brian!
17:32It was awful!
17:38Okay.
17:39Bad example.
17:51Right.
17:52Let's get going, Joey.
17:58Oh, it's you.
18:10Yes, me, sir.
18:11The supervising officer.
18:12The last word.
18:14The buck.
18:16Right.
18:17What is it?
18:17£200, you are...
18:18First things first, sir.
18:19ID, please.
18:20You know who I am.
18:21You saw me last night.
18:23I've never seen you before in my life.
18:24Just give me your driving licence.
18:26Here.
18:26And, er, can you confirm your address?
18:31Chiselhurst Crescent.
18:33Oh, dear.
18:34Looks like someone's forgot to inform us of their change of address, making this invalid.
18:38You've been back at your mum's for six years.
18:41I've got my photograph on it.
18:42But not your address.
18:44See, it looks like my authority isn't in doubt.
18:46To fucking day, is it?
18:48You don't wear a lot of make-up.
18:51Are you going for the natural look?
18:52I'm not allowed make-up.
18:54It's your birthday.
18:55A little make-over wouldn't hurt.
18:57What's make-over?
18:59What's...
18:59I'll kick my stuff.
19:01Well, I'm not an unreasonable man.
19:03I'll settle for a car log book and, erm...
19:06A utility bill.
19:10A utility bill?
19:12Why would I have a utility bill on me?
19:13This isn't my house.
19:14I'm not a fucking snail.
19:15No ID.
19:17No car.
19:17All right.
19:19Just show me where it is so I can get my pony cake out of it.
19:21I'm hardly going to let a complete stranger remove a pony cake from a car that might not be his, am I?
19:25I really need this, mate.
19:26And I need order and people obeying the law!
19:28If you know what I'm saying, I think you are being a bit unreasonable.
19:31Unreasonable?
19:32Do you want to fucking say unreasonable?!
19:33Well, it's over.
19:34Let's go back and face the music.
19:38I failed.
19:40I've proved them right again!
19:42It's only a cake, Dan.
20:06Holy mother of fuck.
20:12I thought it was a one-off. They're all faulty.
20:16We need to get that fucking cake.
20:26Why?
20:28Dan, stop that. Get in the scenic. You draw her eyebrows back.
20:31Brian?
20:37Get in the scenic.
21:01I don't understand. Why do you want your car in the pound?
21:07Where's Uncle Dan?
21:09Because, unlike Dan, I have the requisite household bill.
21:14They always carry one.
21:16Just in case.
21:18I don't get it.
21:20So, all we need while I go and deal with the formalities of getting my car
21:24is someone on the inside to recover the cake from Dan's car.
21:29Behold.
21:32The Trojan horse.
21:34It was a thing she had on the scheme he had
21:45Told in a foreign land
21:49To take life on earth to the second birth
21:53And the man was in command
21:58Where the hell is he?
21:59There's loads of cars in here. He must be lost.
22:02There he is! He's got my cake!
22:04He's got my cake!
22:06Don't wish too far
22:08Your dreams are shining in your hand
22:13And don't wish too hard
22:15Because it may come true
22:18And you can't help
22:20And you don't know what you might have said upon yourself
22:25To the ma Hanım
22:30For two more!
22:38Season, Tyson!
22:42Oh! Oh, God!
22:46Is that God?!?
22:48Noooooooooo
22:50Oh! Oh, God!
22:52Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
22:56The cape! The booty!
22:59Brian!
23:02Ah! Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit!
23:06Oh, the head!
23:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
23:52Oh, shit!
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