- 12/07/2025
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00:00What is it?
00:09It's the ghost of Naomi, Dan.
00:12What do you want? What do you want? Leave me alone!
00:14You still dreaming about me all the time?
00:18Yes. You're all I dream about.
00:21I've moved on, though, Dan. Deal with it.
00:25It's pathetic looking down at you blubbing like a teenager.
00:28I can't. I can't move on. I can't let go.
00:36Hang on a minute. Why are you a ghost? You're not dead.
00:40Ooh. Well spotted.
00:43You fat prick!
00:58Morning.
01:03Ooh, you're all up and ready nice and early.
01:06Yes, I have a job. What's your excuse? Early board meeting to discuss how many cups of tea you're going to get through.
01:26You do look nice when you make an effort. Doesn't he look nice when he makes an effort, Mrs. Whitmore?
01:35Oh, he does. Handsome fella. Still single?
01:37Of course he is. Still moping around about the old one.
01:42Oh, I'm glad my relationship break-up's so funny, you vile old biffers.
01:47You know she does a pre-clean before you come round, don't you?
01:50Oh, I'm sure she does not.
01:52Oh, she does. You're cleaning freshly cleaned rooms.
01:56I'll start in the front room, shall I, Polly?
01:58Yes, it's probably best. Just us the figurines and that.
02:01Yes, the fireplace is fine.
02:02Yes, because she's cleaned it.
02:06You're a horrible boy.
02:07Oh, can she say? Her only son is horrible. Nasty old lady with a little wrinkled face. Look at it. Look at her little claws picking up the teeth.
02:16Off me, you daft beggar.
02:18I'll see you later. Make me some dinner or I'll kill you.
02:22Mrs. Whitmore's going to come and clear up your pigsty of a room in a couple of days. Your dad says it's in a right state.
02:29Yes, it's almost as if he dressed as the ghost of my ex and beat the shit out of me in it.
02:33What?
02:33Nothing.
02:34Oh, Dan!
02:35I've gone now, old lady. I'll see you tonight.
02:37Haven't you got a parents' evening tonight?
02:41Fuck!
02:45Anything else?
02:48Your car is well, wicked.
02:50Well, thank you, Dennis. Most people think it's a wreck, so...
02:53I've often thought, in a certain light, you resemble a young James Stewart, sir.
02:57Thank you, Maureen.
02:59I wish you were my dad.
03:02I love parents' evening.
03:05Right, enjoy your lunch.
03:07Do your worst. My mum thinks you're a dick.
03:14Come on, hand it over.
03:24Come here, then.
03:29I can't believe it. I just swore Lefty was heaviest.
03:31You saw it with your own eyes.
03:33The right hooter is carrying four more ounces.
03:35All right?
03:36Hello.
03:37Good morning.
03:37I've just been weighing Joe's cans for her, doing my little bit for feminism.
03:41I see.
03:42I'll get the scales back and weigh your nuts, if you like.
03:43No, thanks.
03:44Come on, Lord, look it.
03:45I'll get the scales back before your little hairy conkers on the scale.
03:48Oh, someone woke up on the irisating side of bed, didn't they?
03:50Yeah, it's been a real pain today.
03:52I had to let him weigh my milk sacks just to calm him down.
03:55Congratulations.
03:56That is the most revolting description of breasts I've ever heard.
03:59Is it?
04:00Beef bags!
04:01Aye!
04:02Mickey!
04:03Mickey!
04:03Over here!
04:06Mickey, Brian, Mickey, Dan, Dan, Brian, Mickey.
04:10Hello, Mickey.
04:12Hello, Mickey.
04:13You all set for the rehearsal tonight, Mickey?
04:16Cool.
04:16See you later, Mickey.
04:19Would you like to watch your own?
04:21No, please.
04:22What the fuck was that?
04:23Mickey!
04:25Mickey Two-Face?
04:26I've gone into management.
04:27He's my first client.
04:28What does he do?
04:29Never mind that.
04:30Why is he called Mickey Two-Face?
04:31He's got two faces.
04:33He's an entertainer.
04:34Certainly enough information for me, Brian.
04:36Oh, yeah.
04:37Well, tomorrow night he's in a gig above Fat Chance.
04:39Come along.
04:40Let me see.
04:41Going to see a man with a hidden second face
04:43perform a non-specific act above a Chinese restaurant,
04:47that's not sad, is it?
04:48Look, I know this Naomi thing has hit you hard.
04:51No, it hasn't hit me hard.
04:52I'm perfectly accepting of the fact that I have nothing to offer women.
04:55You have.
04:56Yeah.
04:57You've got that dartboard.
04:59That is yours, right?
05:01See?
05:01I'm trapped.
05:02I'm the Colonel Abrams of my own body.
05:05Who's Colonel Abrams?
05:06Should I listen to what you say?
05:14Listen to what your friends say?
05:16It's a tough decision to make.
05:20I don't really want to lose you, but I don't want your folks to.
05:24Tell me over to the hands of the law.
05:25I guess they think that I'm not good enough for you.
05:31I can tell the way they act with attitude.
05:34As the tears roll from my eyes.
05:36I feel the hurt inside.
05:38As I reach out for you.
05:40I'm so confused.
05:42Oh, I'm trapped.
05:43Like a fool, I'm in a cage.
05:45I can't get out.
05:46See, I'm trapped.
05:47Can't you see?
05:47I will get pulled.
05:49Ah, Mr Davis.
06:15Oh, Miss Lipsy.
06:17How's it going?
06:17Well, I've never been so bored in my life.
06:20Parents are weird.
06:21Some of them stink.
06:23Where's your mark book?
06:24I don't need it.
06:25It's all up here in the supercomputer.
06:28Test me if you like.
06:28Ask me any child's grade.
06:29OK.
06:30Um, David Sage.
06:32B plus.
06:32You made that up.
06:33Prove it.
06:34I think a departmental audit is long overdue for you.
06:38God, just kiss me.
06:40Let them talk.
06:41You've got a customer.
06:43What is it, the height?
06:44I'll have surgery.
06:45I'd lose a foot of bone for you, Mellipsy.
06:47Oscar Wilde will see you now.
06:50I'm not gay.
06:54Mickey Two-Face tomorrow night, sir.
06:56Mickey Two-Face tomorrow night, madam.
06:58Mickey Two-Face tomorrow night, sir.
07:01That's him.
07:02He's packed us in.
07:03No-one could say that Dennis is lacking in commitment.
07:08Well, he loves it, don't you?
07:10Well, we wipe the alien scum out, sir.
07:12Cut their faces off.
07:13Yeah.
07:13Maybe, Dennis.
07:15He does get quite cross.
07:16No, I don't!
07:17Okay, all right, Dennis.
07:19Look, there's Joe.
07:20Go and play with Joe.
07:21Yeah.
07:21I don't let them cut each other's faces off.
07:25No.
07:27Mr Davis, he loves your lessons.
07:29And since his dad left, he needs happy times.
07:33Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
07:35Don't be a good riddance, who's an idiot.
07:37Oh.
07:37There aren't many decent blokes about, so you'd be sure to tell your girlfriend how lucky
07:42she is.
07:43I think her new boyfriend might have something to say about that.
07:46The fucking prick.
07:50Sorry.
07:52Um, listen, um, if you ever want to go and slag them off over a drink, let me know.
08:02What?
08:05God, I'm so sorry.
08:06Was that inappropriate?
08:06Yes, please.
08:07Tomorrow, yes, please.
08:10I'm busy tomorrow, I'm afraid, but, um, you give me a call, Mr Teacher.
08:19Dennis?
08:20Dennis!
08:21Dennis!
08:27A date, mate.
08:28An actual date.
08:29I thought it was over, but I'm back.
08:31I'm back with a heavyweight jam.
08:33That's great, mate.
08:34Donnie, please.
08:35Not in your mouth.
08:36I'm tidying my room, just in case.
08:37Don't try and bring her back on a first date, especially after that dump.
08:40Oh, my God.
08:41No, not in the, in the bowl.
08:43She might want to come back, though, eh?
08:45Look, she's a mother.
08:46She'll have a babysitter waiting.
08:47She's gonna want more than a grope from a fat book in a bedsit.
08:50Jesus, you know nothing.
08:52Ah, but I do go, mate.
08:53I finally get women, at last.
08:55It's brilliant.
08:56It's brilliant.
08:57I can't stop smiling.
08:58Buy Joe's tits in a set of scales.
09:00Oh, my God.
09:02Is that not okay?
09:03Oh, my God.
09:04Is that not okay?
09:05It's okay with Joe.
09:06It's not okay with all other women.
09:08Oh, shit.
09:10What if I ruin the date?
09:13Okay, you're gonna have to help me tonight.
09:14How?
09:15Mock date.
09:15What?
09:16Mock date.
09:16Eh?
09:16I need a mock date.
09:18Stop saying mock date.
09:20Listen, mate, if this goes wrong, you're only gonna have to hang out with me more,
09:23and I'll probably start making weird noises, like this.
09:26Hee, hee, hee, hee.
09:27Yes.
09:28Fine.
09:29Yes.
09:29Shush.
09:30I'll ask Judo if I can pop out for a bit.
09:32Pick me up at eight, and we'll go through some stuff.
09:34Great.
09:34Mock date.
09:35No, we're just gonna talk through a few things.
09:37If you say mock date one more time, I won't do it.
09:39Right.
09:43Are you saying mock date?
09:44No.
09:51Ah!
09:52Mock date, eh?
09:54Quarrens, there stinks in here.
09:56It's hardly a terrible surprise.
09:57I am having a shit.
09:58You've got your own toilet.
09:59Dad, stop letting yourself into my flat for a shit.
10:02Daniel, I had a rack of lamb yesterday.
10:04Your mum doesn't want to smell this.
10:06You said it yourself.
10:06It's horrendous.
10:07I'm trying to get on with my life, you freak.
10:10You don't get me at all, do you?
10:13I only want to help.
10:14What, by curling one out in my toilet?
10:16Get dressed.
10:18Please, Dad.
10:19I've got a lot to think about.
10:20I can't cope with being attacked today.
10:22Get dressed while I finish up in here.
10:25I want to show you something.
10:27It'll help you.
10:28I promise.
10:30Mickey, turn face.
10:34Even Simon Coul ein to control sleep.
10:36It was a bit much.
10:37Mickey door face, Mickey, Mickey door face.
10:39Come along for Mickey, Mickey door face.
10:41It could take a thing and I could hit one of the guest lists.
10:43Joe!
10:43Joe!
10:44For God's sake, turn it down.
10:46Mickey door face, Mickey, Mickey door face.
10:48Not one face for door faces.
10:49Not one face for door faces.
10:51Mickey door face, Mickey, Mickey door face.
10:52Come along for that man with door faces.
10:54Mickey door faces.
10:55Well, what are we doing here?
10:59That's Brenda Kirkby's old place.
11:01Who?
11:02My first love.
11:05Oh, thick red hair, pale skin,
11:10the most beautiful green eyes.
11:13I asked her out to the school dance.
11:15I was so nervous, I thought my heart would leap from my mouth.
11:18But she said yes.
11:20She said yes.
11:22I couldn't believe it.
11:24Neither of us knew what to do, really.
11:27We held hands, chatted.
11:29We were so happy.
11:32But her mum was religious,
11:34so outside of school hours,
11:35we were totally forbidden from seeing each other.
11:39Whatever!
11:40I know, seems crazy now, doesn't it?
11:43But I wanted to show her how much I cared,
11:45so every night at 7.30,
11:47I'd walk here and wait for her to come to that very bedroom window,
11:51and I'd wave at her and give her a kiss.
11:54She'd blow me a kiss.
11:57Then I'd walk home again.
11:59Every night?
12:00Every night.
12:0218 months and 11 days.
12:04That is one of the most romantic stories I've ever heard.
12:13Well, anyway,
12:16all's well that ends well.
12:19Eventually, I fucked her against that wall.
12:22What?
12:23Yeah, that very wall.
12:25Good word to the wise, son.
12:26Stay away from those gingers.
12:28It's a mess, Dan.
12:30All right.
12:31Goodbye.
12:33Right here.
12:35Like this.
12:36Hmm.
12:37Oh!
12:38Oh!
12:39Oh!
12:40Oh!
12:41Oh!
12:42Oop!
12:43Oh!
12:44Oh!
12:45Oh!
12:46Oh!
12:47Oh!
12:48Oh!
12:49Oh!
12:50Alright for coming then.
12:51Not round to the neck.
12:53Bye!
12:54Mock date!
12:56I bought you a gift.
12:59What's this?
13:00Bag of chops.
13:01Well, that's not a very good start, is it?
13:02Hey, you love a pork chop.
13:03I'm not ready for a pork chop.
13:04Hey, you love a pork chop. I'm not me. I'm your date. You wouldn't bring a girl a bag of pork, would you?
13:11Of course you would. Okay. Thank you for my chops. I'll put them in a vase later. No problem. Let's go
13:34Well, this is nice. Well done. I didn't have a choice. Joe wants us to go and see that Mickey
13:57Two-Face bloke, doesn't she? Try and make me feel special. You don't want to be single for the
14:03rest of your life, do you? Can I get you some drinks? Why don't you order for us? Bloody hell, is this
14:09girl disabled? Dan. Two pints of lager, please. Don't buy her lager without asking. Christ, this is hard.
14:18Right. So, here we are. Now what? What do you mean, now what? I've ordered the lagers. Now let's see
14:27what we want to eat. Yes, let's, but let's have some small talk first. You lead.
14:33You all right? Yes. Thank you. I've been at work today, so nothing very exciting. Right.
14:46Aren't you interested in what I do? I know what you do, don't I? You do that boring thing in the
14:51office with Barbara the Mute. I'm not me, I'm her. So, let's say I'm a, I'm a chemist. Right. I imagine
14:58you really wanted to be a doctor. No, I wanted to be a chemist. Oh, really? It's the same training,
15:04actually. Yes, and that's what vets say, isn't it? It's the same training, but if it all goes tits
15:08up down here, I'm not going to ask a vet to stick his fingers up my ass. I could have done without being
15:13at work today because little, um, what's his name, my kid? Dennis. Dennis. Little Dennis
15:18was poorly. Right. It's tough bringing up a child as a working mum. Okay. What would you
15:26like to eat? Oh, show some interest. Empathise. You've got no idea how hard it is raising a
15:30kid, do you? Forgot what it's like being myself. I don't need to empathise because I teach the
15:35little prick. I probably spend more time with him than you do while you're off swanning around
15:40your chemist writing prescriptions. Oh, you're so brunt. Come on, yourself.
15:50Recognise. What the fuck are you wearing? Get lost. It's Hugo Boss, nightly style. I'm proper
15:55big time now. Ignore him. He's being thoughtless. Oh, drink your lager, sweetheart. Sorry,
16:01Jo, the mock date's not going very well. Oh, listen, are you still coming to see Mickey?
16:05Get there about nine. You do not want to miss the opening. Believe me, it's
16:10so good. It made me sick up in my mouth. Yeah, we'll try. We've got a few things to sort
16:15out here. Right, see you then. Are you all right, Brian? I had my hair cut especially for
16:23this. You haven't said a bloody word. You're supposed to be making me feel special. Three
16:29kids I've had all day on my own. For what? For a pint of lager with a stupid man.
16:34Your hair looks nice. And I won't be like this on the actual date, will I? And I'm really
16:48grateful you're helping me. Are you? Yes.
16:55Fuck my face. What? That's her. Who? The woman. The woman we're doing the mock date
17:07for. That's her. With another man. Lindsay Macbeth. Dan, she's on a date. It's what people
17:13do. Maybe you should concentrate on a date you're on. What? Nothing. I'm going to go over.
17:20Dan, do not go over there. If you value my opinion at all, do not go over there.
17:36Well, well, well. Hi. Mr, um... Davis. Yes. Sorry, I know that. It's just I've realised
17:43I don't know your first name. It's Mr Davis to you. Is there a problem? Oh, there's a problem,
17:48my friend. My, er, white-shirted friend. Is there? I'd say so, wouldn't you? No. No.
17:58Well, perhaps you'd like to tell Mr... Jeans here exactly what you and I were discussing
18:04last night. No, I wouldn't. Well, maybe I would. Get your hands off me!
18:10Okay. Um... Mr Davis here is Dennis's teacher, and yesterday we were at a parent-teacher meeting.
18:21That's right. I'm a teacher. Head of department, as it goes. Oh! He doesn't like the title,
18:28does he? Now, who the hell are you? Well... He's my probation officer.
18:36What? Yes, I am. What the hell have you done? It's none of your business. I think you'll find
18:44it is my business. If you want to be dating a criminal, I'd like to know what I'm up against.
18:47No, we are not going to be dating. Come on, mate. Give me a steer. What's she done?
18:50I'm sorry. What's going on here? Well, apparently my son's teacher is a lunatic.
18:55Listen, if she's just been nicking make-up because she's lonely, I can cope with that. I'll be...
18:58Damn. God, this is so embarrassing. Yes, it is embarrassing. So let's just all lay our cards
19:03on the table. I'll start. When I was a child, I once stole a whole jar of cola cubes from
19:10a news agent. Your turn. Please go away. Dan, come on, sit down. Sorry. Who are you?
19:15I'm his date, actually. Brian. Oh, I see. No, you don't see. It's not my real date.
19:22Then what the hell am I? Brian? Dan?
19:25Oh. Oh, perfect. Oh, well, this is fucking perfect. Oh, well done. You got me. Checkmate.
19:40I don't even believe in you, and you've done me up like a bastard kipper. Well, fuck you,
19:47Winona Ryder. And fuck you, Naomi. And fuck you, sock feet. And you, little tiny bag shoulder.
19:59And you, I've seen you behind me, earrings, ears.
20:04Fucking rice mouth.
20:08Fuck you, bat wing sleeves. Oh, someone's put gel in his hair. Fuck you, gel head.
20:14Oh, fuck you, cracker hand.
20:18Everybody out.
20:21Mickey's fucked it.
20:24Stop it!
20:26Stop it!
20:28Stop it!
20:30Stop it!
20:32Stop it!
20:34Stop it!
20:36Stop it!
20:38Stop it!
20:40Stop it!
20:42Stop it!
20:44Stop it!
20:45Stop it!
20:46Mom!
20:47Babe!
20:48Stop it!
20:55Whoo-hoo!
20:57Daddy!
20:58What?
21:00Only me, love.
21:02Oh.
21:04Oh, dear.
21:05Someone had a bit of a night.
21:08Bit of an awful night.
21:10Oh, dear. No nice ladies, I hope, then.
21:14Plenty of nice ladies. Just no nice Daniels, Mrs Wigmore. I'm useless.
21:19Shush yourself.
21:22You're a lovely young man, I told you.
21:26I'm not, you know. I'm really not.
21:35Mrs Wigmore thinks you are.
21:40I see trees of green. Red roses too. I see them blue.
22:00Oh, no!
22:02I know, I can't see them blue.
22:04And I think to myself, what a wonderful one.
22:14I see skies of blue.
22:20Oh, oh, oh, oh.
22:21And clouds of light
22:23The bright blessed day
22:27A dark sacred night
22:30And I think to myself
22:34What a wonderful world
22:41Well, I'll learn
22:51Shall I?
22:55Yeah
22:56And I think to myself
23:07What a wonderful world
23:12And I think to myself
23:22What a wonderful world
23:28Oh, yeah
23:30And I think to myself
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