- 2 days ago
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00:01I guess I've always felt too big for this country.
00:04Do you know what I mean?
00:05Like a mighty, mighty caged eagle.
00:08See, I haven't put that on, will you?
00:09Dad says you have to fill your own visa application out to teach you a lesson.
00:14Well, you tell your dad from me that I don't need his help
00:17and that his moustache makes him look like a gay man from the 1970s.
00:24He said...
00:24I heard, Daisy.
00:26How long is he going to go on this childishness?
00:27Please remind Uncle Dan that last week, emergency services had to be called out
00:31to cut me from a child's swing because of him.
00:33Luckily, the firemen were medically trained,
00:34so I were able to treat my monkey bites at the same time.
00:37The one degree of separation rule is there for a reason.
00:40Can you see your tongue again?
00:42Just sit down, Daisy.
00:43Hi, girls.
00:44Hi, Ted.
00:45May I talk to him?
00:46New promotion for the shop.
00:48Loyalty card.
00:49When you buy a hammer, you get a stamp.
00:51When you've got eight hammers, you get a free hammer.
00:54Is anyone going to need eight hammers, mate?
00:56Yes.
00:57They're really bad quality.
00:59That's my genius.
01:00God.
01:00Maybe Joe should give up on her shop and follow a girl out to America
01:03without even securing a job first.
01:05Told her you're coming yet?
01:06Thought not.
01:07You're petrified too because that would make it real.
01:09Oh, hello.
01:10Someone forgot his own rule and spoke to me directly.
01:13Your inconsistency is delicious.
01:15Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.
01:16Look at your old man, girls.
01:18Gobbling up his forgetful pie.
01:20You're silly.
01:21Shut up, chimp.
01:22What are you up to late?
01:23I'm me and Mick here having an executive meeting, if you fancy.
01:25No, I've got to do this.
01:26Brian?
01:27Sorry, Joe.
01:27I've got the girls all week and we're off to play squash, aren't we, girls?
01:30Oh, will the girls be playing squash or will they just be watching Dad again?
01:33Good luck with your form filling.
01:35Come on, girls.
01:35You boys need to make up.
01:40My aunt didn't speak to my Uncle Ted for seven years.
01:43He was too stubborn to ask her what was wrong.
01:45Turns out she was dead.
01:46Had been all along.
01:48Stank.
01:49Right, I'll see you later.
01:53You'll miss me when I go to America, won't you, Shakira?
01:55This is my normal face.
01:57This is the face I'll have if I find out your plane's crashed.
02:04It's the same face.
02:05It's the face I'll have if I find out your plane's crashed.
02:35What the f...
02:41Hello, dear.
02:43You need a new razor.
02:45Had to have a go at the pins.
02:46And some of the hairs down there were like the mooring ropes on the Titanic.
02:49Well, best make yourself scarce.
02:51I'm about to drop gown and I don't think you're quite ready for this jelly.
02:54Why do I have to share my flat with my auntie?
03:03Am I Charlie Bucket?
03:04Nesta and Daddy had a chat and they thought it would be nice for us to have a little privacy.
03:10He's moving in already?
03:12I thought you'd be pleased for me.
03:14Oh, I'm delighted.
03:15My mum's shacking up with her fun-sized Peter Sutcliffe.
03:17You'll only have to share with Nesta for a few weeks before you've gone to America.
03:22I like Nesta, but she snores like a goblin farting down a well.
03:26I don't want to speak out of turn, but wasn't the flat originally left to Nesta?
03:30It's none of your business, you sinister little shit.
03:32Daniel!
03:33Oh, Polly, I know why he's so upset.
03:36He thinks I want to step into his dad's shoes.
03:38Those are my dad's shoes!
03:39I gave them him, Daniel.
03:41He was weeding my borders.
03:43He's trying to get rid of me before I go to America.
03:47You can't see it because you're too busy dragging your arse across a carpet in front of him like a baffled Labrador.
03:52It's disgusting.
03:53Ah, now, Daniel, I propose we do top and tail.
03:56I sometimes forget that Bertie is dead and I can get quite hands-on.
04:01You listen to me, you crumpled trolls.
04:05If I have to share my flat before I go to America, I leave this house today and I take every single thing I own with me.
04:14What, this is it?
04:15I'm afraid so, dear.
04:17All I've got to show for 45 years.
04:19A little blue chair.
04:20Daniel, we don't want you to go.
04:22No, no, he's won.
04:24I hope you're happy imagining your only son spending his remaining time in this country in the back of a 1980s Honda.
04:29Oh, dear, this is a terrible oversight.
04:33This is still in your dad's name.
04:35You've been driving illegally for years, I'm afraid.
04:39It's not your car.
04:41Fine.
04:41Oh, Daniel, don't be silly.
04:43You can take the car.
04:45No, no, I only want what's mine.
04:46Well, if you're going to be stupid about it, that's your father's coat.
04:51Daniel, you can have the coat.
04:59Oh, dear.
05:02I do worry about that, lad.
05:07I mean, culturally, it just makes sense for me as a move.
05:10I love the place.
05:11Even when I was at primary school, my mum used to dress me as Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard,
05:15which, unsurprisingly on reflection, led to prolific bullying.
05:20Do you have the form?
05:21Oh, yeah, sorry.
05:24I'm sure I'll be fine, though.
05:25I know you love us over there.
05:26If I get in trouble, I'll just do the old Hugh Grant, the old beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.
05:31I think I love you.
05:32You love all that, don't you?
05:33What I love is a fully completed visa application.
05:38Yeah, I'm struggling a little bit, mate.
05:39I normally have a friend who helps me with all the boring stuff, but he's one degree of separated me.
05:43This does not even have a home address.
05:46No, I'm having a nightmare.
05:48I've been kicked out of my house because my mum's banging Chuckie's granddad.
05:53Sir, it is of no interest to me your family matters.
05:56Or, indeed, why you walk around with a little blue chair.
05:59What I need is a completed form.
06:02Come on, mate, cut me some slack.
06:05I'm safe as houses.
06:06I haven't even had a look at a Quran.
06:08Complete the damn form.
06:09Oh, my God.
06:13This is mental.
06:14Marital status?
06:16What the hell's that?
06:17It's may as well be in Chinese.
06:18I filled that section out, you clown.
06:20I don't want your help with this.
06:22I need somewhere to stay for a couple of days.
06:23I'm sleeping in the storage cupboard and Mickey's bags are the only ever available space.
06:28Mickey, I've told you.
06:30I can't have my mannequins asleep.
06:32Now you're up, go down to Dave Tubbard's lock-up.
06:34Got some interesting new stock, apparently.
06:36Have the sleeping bag.
06:39I can't shift it.
06:41It's got holes at both ends.
06:42What?
06:43I'll stay in a hotel.
06:48No wallet.
06:51Shit.
06:53Time to move on, Polly, love.
06:55Yes, I suppose there's no point being sentimental.
06:59They belong to your husband.
07:01It just feels a bit odd for me.
07:04Yes, of course.
07:10Let's have a brew, shall we?
07:13Good idea.
07:13Oh.
07:18I'll put the kettle on.
07:27Mr Davies?
07:28Oh, God, sorry.
07:30No, I thought it was half-term.
07:31It is half-term.
07:32It's holiday drama club, sir.
07:34So you're teaching in your spare time?
07:37And you're all coming in?
07:38It's enhanced our curriculum-based work
07:40and helps us further bond with our teachers.
07:43Amazing.
07:45It's me, Robin!
07:47Why don't you go in, lads?
07:52You're teaching in your holidays.
07:54It's weird.
07:55Well, maybe if you'd done a drama club,
07:57the head wouldn't think you were so rubbish.
07:58Yeah, you've picked up on that, have you?
08:00Well, he just said it.
08:01He said you're taking over from Dan Davies.
08:03He's rubbish.
08:03And a dick.
08:06What?
08:07Huh?
08:08You don't have to be here.
08:09Well, my boys are with their dad all week,
08:11so what else am I going to do?
08:12But I'd love to get attracted tonight
08:14if I could find a drinking partner.
08:16Is he near tomorrow?
08:17Yes, why?
08:18No reason.
08:19I'm not trying to live here.
08:20Calm down.
08:23Don't forget your little blue chair.
08:27I won't.
08:33And that last move I did on Hank
08:35is called a cross-court dash.
08:3760% knees, 40% confidence.
08:40You can talk about it show until next week,
08:41if you like.
08:41Oh, God.
08:43Can you drop that look, Captain Smugwash?
08:45I just need somewhere to stay for a couple of days.
08:48Mum's been blinded by a sex fog
08:49and they've kicked me out.
08:50You can have my bed.
08:51Or mine.
08:52Dan isn't sleeping on anyone's bed,
08:54nor indeed my new sofa,
08:55until I receive a formal apology.
08:59I need a permanent address.
09:00But the visa form you don't need my help with.
09:03Come on, girls.
09:06What's a tax code?
09:07What does naturalisation mean?
09:09It's not funny, you losers.
09:10Tell you that and let me stay.
09:12Cancel your gym membership while you're here.
09:14Next time you're homeless,
09:15you might be able to afford a hotel.
09:26Yeah.
09:27Ah.
09:29Well done, Nasta.
09:33Oh, my God.
09:45What's this?
09:46It's, er...
09:47My exercise tube.
09:50Nice, nice, a sleeping bag.
09:54What's this?
09:54A little blue chair.
09:55I just use it to chill out on
09:57after I've done a workout, so...
09:59You're trying to sleep in the gym, mate?
10:04No.
10:05Yeah, you are.
10:05You're trying to sleep in the gym.
10:06You can't sleep here.
10:07I'm not trying to live in the gym.
10:09Live!
10:09Live, sleep, whatever.
10:11I'm just a member.
10:12I'm just...
10:12Where's your gym kit?
10:17No-one wears gym kit anymore, mate.
10:18It's not 1990.
10:19I'm not Monica from Friends.
10:21I exist.
10:22I gym.
10:23There's no distinction.
10:24If you're in the gym,
10:25you use the facilities at all times.
10:27Do you understand?
10:28Yeah.
10:28We exercise in the gym, mate.
10:30We don't live in the gym.
10:30We don't live in the gym, yeah.
10:32Okay, you lovely people.
10:44Left box till midnight, yeah?
10:47Left, left.
10:49Right, right.
10:50Left, left.
10:52Come on!
10:53Push it!
10:54Harder!
10:56Come on!
10:57Let's fucking have it!
10:59Yeah!
10:59Look, go into your email
11:03and search for HMRC in your inbox
11:06and there'll be something in there
11:07with your tax code on it
11:08and you'll know it's your tax code
11:10because it will say tax code on it.
11:13And what on earth have you done to your face?
11:15You look like ham.
11:16Never mind that.
11:17Listen, I also need to know...
11:19Hang on.
11:19Dan, look, I'm not your PA.
11:20I'm your...
11:21Well...
11:22Why do you need all this information anyway?
11:25I can't tell you that from inside a sleeping bag.
11:27I want to do it properly.
11:28Do what properly?
11:29Dan, look, I can't be doing
11:30with these mysterious phone calls
11:32in the middle of the night.
11:33I feel like shit.
11:34Look, I just...
11:36I've got to go.
11:38Dan?
11:39Hey, want a private phone call here, mate?
11:41People are waiting to use this machine.
11:43Tell them to have their own machine.
11:44They're all busy.
11:47Who are these people?
11:48It's midnight.
11:49Feel the burn or hit the bricks.
11:50What's this to be?
11:52Yeah, I feel the burn.
11:54I burn all night.
11:56I burn all fucking night, mate.
11:58I don't know.
12:00I don't know.
12:03I don't know.
12:27It looks sore.
12:29It is sore.
12:31there's a lot of information missing here i sort of figured i probably don't have it
12:35like a tax code not applicable you have a tax code sir and this address yeah this is your new
12:43address yep yes the 24-hour pump zone yes the 24-hour pump zone houses have names mate so
12:56fucking hell mate prince william wouldn't get this would he you'd teabag anyone with their own coat
13:02of arms you lot teabag you know go back to your pump zone do it again hey please don't make me go
13:15home for another night
13:16come on that's it alice well done lord and you you fat fucker move it
13:29hey fella maybe you should have tried to keep up with mad mike hey
13:39i think beckett is just blood you use the facilities or get out please
13:45zumba street now i was just taking five minutes to fill this format while i was resting in between
13:52dad hello i'm glad i bumped into you actually my specialist occupation or a skilled worker
13:59first one why excuse us miss he has a class i'm using the facilities he thinks i'm trying to live
14:05here he is he's trying to live here do you need a place this there no i'm just here using the
14:09facilities your what excuse us the spa counts is one of the facilities right wow she has a point doesn't
14:21she you beautiful sculpture of a man come on dan let's get that face sorted
14:33i am worth it
14:40dad can uncle dan come to stay now uncle dan owes me a formal apology which i doubt will be forthcoming
14:47so no it's probably hanging out with him and joe depends on your definition of fun i like it when
14:53uncle dan says redo words the prosecution rests now could you pass me the resin i'm going to erect the mast
15:03the cast girls we made him a dad
15:17They're clean, mate!
15:29They're clean!
15:40Do you mind?
15:43Sorry?
15:43Oh, no, this is my chair.
15:48Well, you have to give up your seat for pensioners.
15:50You're not listening.
15:51If the chair belongs to me, it's my chair.
15:53Give the lady the seat!
15:56You don't understand.
15:57It's not a bus seat.
15:58It's my little chair.
15:59Show a bit of respect.
16:04What's wrong with his hardwells?
16:05I hate him!
16:06Hey, hey!
16:07To be clear, if it's a bus seat, I have to give it up.
16:11But it's not.
16:12It's my little chair.
16:14In fact, it's all I own.
16:15So, with a grace of respect, I'll be fucked if I'm going to give up my legacy
16:18so some old lady can have a lazy cruise for the bingo.
16:22I'll give you a bloody legacy, mate.
16:25Hey!
16:25Hey!
16:25Nice eyebrows!
16:42Oh, fuck off.
16:45You what?
16:56All good?
17:00But, but...
17:01The form.
17:02All good?
17:03It has a lot of writing on it.
17:06All the pages are there.
17:07However, it clearly indicates it must be witnessed by a person in a position of responsibility.
17:12It isn't.
17:18A lot of problem.
17:26Joe, it's me.
17:27Yeah, listen, I need you to do me a favour.
17:30Can you come down to the American visa place in town?
17:32Yeah, now.
17:33What?
17:34What?
17:36Yes, there are lots of Americans here.
17:38What are you on about?
17:39Right.
17:40Yes, good.
17:41Hurry up.
17:41I got you a message, Mrs T.
17:51Brian, have you seen Daniel?
17:54No, I'm afraid not.
17:55We're not really on the best of terms.
17:57I'm sure he'll be staying with you.
18:00I've got him some pounds.
18:02I'm sure he'll be fine.
18:03He hasn't even got a coat.
18:05Let's go for a little drive.
18:11See if we can track him down.
18:12Yay!
18:15Come on.
18:18Whoa, it is buzzing here.
18:21All right, Dan.
18:23Head to a party.
18:24What?
18:24Where's shit?
18:26What's Mickey doing here?
18:27No offense, Mickey.
18:28I'm Vicky Bigdan, bringing the mountain to my hammock.
18:30Shh, you can't take that right here.
18:32Just sign this for me.
18:33Have a retail magnet?
18:34No.
18:36Put shop owner and don't mention the name of the shop.
18:40Cheers.
18:43Right.
18:44Let's do a test, see if we've got any real Americans.
18:47Nickelback!
18:48Oh, my God, we've hit the fucking mother load.
18:50Quick, put the sign up.
18:54Happy.
18:55Happy is a bit extreme.
18:57We're going to have to retake your passport photos.
19:00Why?
19:00Because you don't look like this anymore.
19:04Please.
19:05What do you want from me?
19:06I've got nothing left.
19:08I haven't even got my little blue chair anymore.
19:10Sir, I will have to get these ratified.
19:13Sir, I will have to get these ratified.
19:13Sir, I will have to get these ratified.
19:15That's it.
19:19I'm finished.
19:19I can't go now.
19:23I'm finished.
19:28I can't go now.
19:36I'm finished.
19:37I'm finished.
19:42Fine, fine.
19:43Cut it out.
19:43I'll take care of it.
19:44God damn it.
19:45God damn it.
19:45How in the hell did you people ever have an empire?
19:49Have Mr. Creeler come through, please.
19:53Yeehaw, partners.
19:55It's the American sale.
19:57Home from home.
19:59We've got beefy knee wrestling dolls, because wrestling is American.
20:03McDonald's apple pies, only just out of date.
20:05And top of the list, A number one.
20:08We've got American flags.
20:10Pass it on, Mickey.
20:10Careful, Mickey.
20:18Yes?
20:19There's an incident outside, sir.
20:20What?
20:21Turn on your CCTV.
20:27Is this your witness?
20:34Oh, fuck.
20:35Oh, fuck.
20:48Oh, my God.
20:49Oh, my God.
20:49Get it out.
20:51Get it out.
20:52Come on down.
20:53Get it.
20:53Get it.
20:54It's an accident.
20:56Get it.
20:57Oh, say can you see?
21:05By the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed At the twilight's last gleaming
21:21Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight
21:32O'er the ramparts
21:34He didn't mean it.
21:41It was an accident.
21:47Your birth certificate must be here somewhere.
21:50I'm surprised they're still agreeing to see you after all that palaver.
21:53Brian placed quash of one of the big bosses, so he went in and smoothed it all over.
21:57Oh, Daniel.
21:58How ever are you going to cope in America?
22:02I've read that one in three people get shot.
22:05Not to mention the portions.
22:07I'll be fine.
22:08I'll be with Emma.
22:09You have told her, haven't you?
22:11No.
22:11I will.
22:13I thought it might be a nice surprise.
22:15Tell her.
22:16You should definitely tell her.
22:17Modern ladies like some notice so they can trim their pampers.
22:21Nesta's moving back into the main house for now.
22:24I've told Daddy he'll just have to be quieter for a few weeks.
22:28Yes.
22:28Thank you, Mum.
22:34What's this?
22:35That's nothing to do with you.
22:37It's got my name on it.
22:38Oh, Polly, I thought you got rid of that.
22:43Adoption certificate?
22:46Mum?
22:47You've done too much, much too young
22:51And now you're married with a son
22:52And you should be having fun with me
22:54We know how, we know how, we know how
22:56I'm working in
22:58And take a look, now we ain't
23:03We step another bird, another wild-class man
23:06You've done too much, too much too young
23:09You're married with a kid
23:11And you should be having fun with me
23:13No, do, we know, do, we know what
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