- 2 days ago
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00:01Let's have another look, love.
00:04All right.
00:07Can you feel him kicking, Mum?
00:10Now, I know I'm going on, but are you sure you're going to be OK flying on your own?
00:15I don't have a disease. I'll be fine.
00:17And we can't pick you up from the airport?
00:19No, I said I'd let Dan do it. He was begging, so I gave him.
00:22We've got to finally meet this boy when you're home. What's he like, Emma?
00:26Dan?
00:31What does it take to change the soul of a man?
00:35From man to truly know himself.
00:39How can he provide for others without the visceral sting of manual labour?
00:46He cannot.
00:48Talking to yourself again, dickhead.
00:50Time to call it.
00:52The head went in an after-school meeting.
00:54It was so boring.
00:55I kept account of how many times he said the word important.
00:5867.
01:00Oh, hey.
01:01He said there might be something coming up at the school for you.
01:03Never.
01:04I'm not going back.
01:05I'm at one with the land.
01:07You're at one with 2.50 an hour?
01:083.50 an hour.
01:09Cash in hand.
01:10Anyway, I've worked out a system.
01:12I pretend I'm planting that bag of seeds over there.
01:14And when the boss isn't looking, I hoi him in that chicken shed.
01:17And I let those despicable feathered cunts gobble up the evidence.
01:21Impressive.
01:22I was so flighty when Emma went away.
01:24So fickle.
01:26Now she's going to come back and she's going to find just a hard-working, wholesome family guy.
01:31You're not a family.
01:32You're not even a couple.
01:34Yet.
01:35When she sees who I've become, it won't be long before her.
01:38Oh!
01:43I can't believe my mum was through this away when she moved out.
01:46I had to stare at this for hours.
01:47You know there's a game in that box.
01:50It's not about the game.
01:51Look how happy this family is.
01:53Look how nice their house is.
01:55I used to be so jealous of them.
01:59Now I think that life might be obtainable.
02:02I think I've turned the Twister Box family corner.
02:05Hey!
02:07Hey!
02:08How do you, John?
02:09Wettin' up for you?
02:10Do some work, you fat shit!
02:12It's country banter.
02:13I love it.
02:14Work!
02:15Let me know when you want me to sort a meeting with the head.
02:18I'll set a dog on you, you fat shit in blank!
02:21So earthy, the humour, innit?
02:23I'll do it!
02:24I fucking mean it!
02:26Yeah, yeah, yeah!
02:27Bye, Dan.
02:28Hey!
02:30Yeah, yeah, yeah!
02:45Bye, Dan.
02:46Bye, Dan.
02:47Bye, Dan.
02:48Bye, Dan.
02:49Bye, Dan.
02:50Bye, Dan.
02:51Bye, Dan.
02:52Bye, Dan.
02:53Bye, Dan.
02:54Bye, Dan.
02:56Yes, I know it's a long way for them to come.
02:59Yes, they'll be gone soon.
03:01No, he doesn't pay rent.
03:03He's a mate.
03:04I know.
03:07Just tell them they have to come down.
03:11Because I'm their dad.
03:16Christ, Dan.
03:21Oh, my God.
03:23A fresh Prince of Bel-Air umbrella.
03:30A Nokia.
03:32And a Guns N' Roses belt buckle.
03:34What have these things got in common?
03:36They're all still for sale in Wales.
03:37No.
03:38They're all from the lost property office down at the station.
03:40They haven't been claimed in six weeks, so they are now mine.
03:44Best job I've ever had.
03:45I'm making it kill in after hours.
03:47Special offer at the moment.
03:49Free set of keys with every pair of sunglasses.
03:51Interested?
03:52No.
03:55A cot!
03:57A cot to you, Brian.
03:58His language is so fancy.
04:01I found a cot in the spare room.
04:03Please don't tell me you were thinking of moving a heavily pregnant woman into my flat.
04:08Just for a little bit.
04:09I can't persuade the girls to visit until you've gone.
04:12God, you make me tired all over.
04:14They love their Uncle Dan.
04:15You steal their sweets.
04:16They steal my yogurts.
04:17My yogurts!
04:18Three weeks till she said, and plenty of time to find a place.
04:20Three weeks, and you're gone.
04:22No more!
04:25My God!
04:26It's all about him, isn't it?
04:28He misses his kids, Dan.
04:29Why?
04:30He's had them for ages.
04:31Mine's going to be new.
04:32And he can talk to them on the phone.
04:34And what's the problem with keeping a baby in a flat?
04:36You could put it in a shoebox.
04:38Hey, Shakira.
04:39Did you know Dan's going to be a dad?
04:40Good luck.
04:41They're pricks.
04:42You never mentioned you had kids.
04:43Where are they?
04:44One dead, one in France.
04:46Simple.
04:47You ever seen a kid get born?
04:48No.
04:49You need to get a flat quick, Dan.
04:54Emma's going to need someone to rest that fanny.
04:55Yeah.
04:56What?
04:57Three weeks?
04:58Piece of piss.
04:59Marjorie and Derek have a pre-bed semi-encroider.
05:00And he's bought Charlie Taito.
05:01Jesus Christ!
05:29He's back.
05:30He's turned down.
05:33Bam!
05:35Fucking mind over it.
05:40Ow!
05:42Ah!
05:43Fuck it!
05:44You son of a bitch!
05:46Remain CT high and give you seat last fastened at all time and play a view from the cabin star.
05:59He says I need three grand.
06:01Who does?
06:02The estate agent.
06:03He claims I have to give him three grand in advance.
06:06It's a modern-day scandal. I'm going to the papers.
06:08No, it's standard.
06:09You wouldn't know, because up until now, your life has been free.
06:11Hey!
06:12I haven't got time for your sanctimonious air guitar.
06:14I'm picking Emma up tonight, and I'm effectively homeless.
06:17It's time for Walnut Face to pay the ferryman.
06:20Your mother?
06:21Too long I have sat by
06:23and watched her and Nestor piss my inheritance up the wall,
06:26private retirement village, my long stinky plums.
06:29I'm out of money.
06:30And I shall take it with the ruthlessness of a lion.
06:33I'm up for a bit of that action.
06:35Also like a lion.
06:37Vintage gear for vintage clientele.
06:39Every year when summer comes round
06:44Off to the sea I go
06:48I don't care if I do spend a pound
06:52Look at this place.
06:53It costs a bloody fortune.
06:55It's designed to drain money from these gullible husks.
06:58I think it's lovely.
06:59I'm going to make a killing here.
07:01This is full of massive old lady blouses.
07:04And your mum said M&S has gone right off the boil.
07:07Yeah.
07:08That's just old lady talk.
07:09They all moan about M&S.
07:10They won't buy their blouses anywhere else.
07:12God, I despise their tedious rhetoric.
07:15Hello Carol.
07:21Oh, you gave me quite the start.
07:24Sorry.
07:25Is mum about?
07:26I'm always jumping out of my skin, me.
07:27Me father says I'm like a flipping jack in the box.
07:29Oh dear.
07:30Oh dear.
07:31An irritating jack in the box.
07:32And he's a bloody good whack with a plank.
07:33Right.
07:34Back of the head crack with a big old builder's plank.
07:36That'll stop you twitching he says.
07:39What is my mum about?
07:40Oh, she's having a snooker lesson.
07:41What?
07:42Snooker?
07:43Lesson?
07:44In snooker?
07:45How much is that costing?
07:46I don't know.
07:47It's not part of the diamond package.
07:48Yeah.
07:49They pay extra.
07:50Oh, I bet they do.
07:51Oh dear.
07:52Carol, why do you always make everyone so cross?
07:54Why?
07:55Hmm.
07:56Oh.
07:57Oh.
07:58Oh dear.
07:59Carol, why do you always make everyone so cross?
08:02Why?
08:03Hmm.
08:04Oh.
08:05Oh.
08:06Oh.
08:07What's all this bullshit?
08:11Daniel!
08:12Whee!
08:13Why are you having snooker lessons?
08:15You haven't got the upper body strength to wear a heavy coat.
08:17It was on the activities board.
08:19They send pros in.
08:20Bastards.
08:21They'll be charging a fortune.
08:22Oh no, we don't notice the money dear.
08:24It gets direct debited.
08:26Wait till you see what I've made you in knitting class.
08:29And who runs knitting class?
08:31Jeff fucking Banks.
08:33Daniel, this place is wonderful.
08:35It's been a new lease of life for your mother and me.
08:39Do you know, I took a falconry lesson last week.
08:42And do you know those birds?
08:43They have a certain warmth about them.
08:45I mean, this time last year I would have blown one out of the sky as soon as look at it.
08:48Oh!
08:49Here comes Granny.
08:52What's that?
08:53It's for the baby.
08:54Your mother knitted it.
08:55Why's it got Simon Bridges written on it?
08:57Well, I don't know what you're going to call it, do I?
09:00So I guessed.
09:01You know my surname.
09:03It's your surname.
09:04Yes, but we don't know what the modern situation is with Emma and whose name the baby will take.
09:08Her name is Lipsey, which you also know.
09:11Well, I went for something neutral.
09:13OK.
09:14I mean, your brain's folding in on itself.
09:16Don't you like it?
09:17Daniel, your mother is so excited about this baby.
09:21She spent a whole week making that.
09:24She's got calluses the size of mara-fat peas.
09:26Daniel, when does Emma get back?
09:28See, I thought I could come round to your new flat and boil, wash everything.
09:33I love washing.
09:34She does.
09:35She was bred for it.
09:36But, you know, I don't think this deal with Emma is done yet, Daniel.
09:40When a doe has the seed of one stag, it doesn't mean to say she'll stay with him for life.
09:44In fact, if anything, she'll howl for the rest of them to make sure the job is done properly.
09:49They're sort of venison bukkake, and she's the staff.
09:52Yes.
09:53Thank you, Nesta.
09:54I need my share of the house money, and fast.
10:00What was that glance?
10:01There was no glance, Daniel.
10:02I saw a glance.
10:03He said it was best.
10:06What?
10:10A trust fund?
10:11A trust fund?
10:12A trust fund.
10:13Who for?
10:14Who do you think?
10:15The baby?
10:16Judas.
10:17It wasn't Brian's idea, love.
10:18He just helped us to get it sorted.
10:21My pleasure.
10:22My God, I despise you sometimes.
10:25How can anyone look like both members of Hall and Oates simultaneously?
10:28It was the right thing to do.
10:30With your track record, the money would have disappeared faster than a coked up prostitute's finger up a married banker's anus.
10:36Right.
10:37Where are you going?
10:38Where do you think I'm going?
10:39I'm going to get it reversed.
10:41You can't get it reversed.
10:42Oh, Daniel, I just wanted to make sure he was looked after.
10:47You can have my pension.
10:48Polly, the boy has to stand on his own two feet.
10:51When a boar has ridden a sow, he doesn't just...
10:54Nesta!
10:55I am going to the bank, and I'm going to get it reversed.
10:58Now I'm picking up the keys to my new flat, getting Emma, and we're going to have a twist of box family!
11:03Ah!
11:04Jesus Christ!
11:07You can't reverse a trust fund you didn't set up.
11:10Oh, come on!
11:11It's for my son!
11:12Still can't do it.
11:15OK.
11:16Jenny.
11:18We're not so different, you and I.
11:20I actually did think when I came in.
11:22I mean...
11:25What's that?
11:26We look a bit alike.
11:27No, we don't.
11:28We do a bit.
11:29I don't think we do.
11:30There's something there.
11:31We're a bloke.
11:32Yeah, I'm not saying you're not pretty.
11:33OK?
11:34You're a pretty me.
11:35Now, reverse it.
11:37No.
11:38Reverse it, please.
11:39Can't do it.
11:40Next.
11:41Reverse the trust fund pretty me.
11:42Next.
11:51And, based on your assumption that your grandson's university fees will be...
11:55I wouldn't trust him.
11:56He'll see his own friend homeless for profit.
11:58Your mother was worried that you would blow the money on cider and pasties,
12:02and that is the thought process of a perfectly sound mind.
12:06Sound mind?
12:07You've inadvertently given me the solution, you Victorian-faced traitor.
12:12Oh, dear old woman.
12:13Prepare to be outmaneuvered.
12:16There you are, you soggy bag of piss.
12:18What are you doing here?
12:19How did you find me?
12:20Look at the size of this chicken!
12:22What's that got to do with me?
12:24I found the seed, you useless lazy shit!
12:26You made me chickens massive!
12:27So you're fired!
12:28Here's your severance pay!
12:30Oh!
12:31My fucking mouth!
12:32It turns out my mother's insane, so...
12:33I am gonna need you to reverse it.
12:34Look, I didn't do it on purpose.
12:35What do you mean?
12:36Oh, come on, Jenny.
12:37I made that big song and dance about you and me looking the same.
12:38Now it looks like I've been away and fucked my own nose up.
12:39You're saying I've got a big nose?
12:40No!
12:41You are!
12:42The two don't compare, Jenny!
12:43I've got a massive chicken thrown at mine, yours is...
12:44What?
12:45Natural!
12:46What?
12:47Jenny, I'm not saying you've got a big nose!
12:48Those ain't you saying she's got a big snout, like?
12:49How about you mind your own business when the boat comes in?
12:51Jenny, you've got to help me.
12:52She's mad.
12:53This isn't even my kid's name.
12:54Next!
12:55Jenny!
12:56Jenny!
12:57Hi!
12:58Hi!
12:59Hi!
13:00Hi!
13:01Hi!
13:02Hi!
13:03Hi!
13:04Hi!
13:05Hi!
13:06Hi!
13:07Hi!
13:08Hi!
13:09Hi!
13:10Hi!
13:11Hi!
13:12Hi!
13:13Hi!
13:14Hi!
13:19Of course your mother is sound of mind.
13:21Daniel, you didn't drag Dr Baxter here for this.
13:24Look, we all know she's insane. Just give me a note and I'll be on my way.
13:27Daniel, the only thing wrong with your mother is a light urinary tract infection.
13:31How is it, Polly?
13:32Fine.
13:33You told me it was like pissing wasps.
13:35You said that, Nesta.
13:37Your rictus grin is your tell.
13:39Well, if this doesn't work, you're for the knacker's yard.
13:42It's not even for humans, this drug.
13:44Oh, my God.
13:45You're all mad.
13:46Now, which room is Tony Pleach in?
13:49His prolapse is out again.
13:51I'll show you.
13:52I'm playing bowls with Pleach later.
13:54I don't want him oiling out of it.
13:56Oh, Daniel, I thought I was doing the right thing.
14:00I need money, you withered borrower.
14:03Look, I found this.
14:06It's your old bank savings account from when you were a little boy.
14:10It might have accumulated lots of interest.
14:13Well, you had better hope so, bad man.
14:18I'm not a bad man.
14:19You're a bad man!
14:21Dan, or Daniel?
14:26Carol, I'm in a bit of a hurry, you all right?
14:28So sorry.
14:29Just had a thought.
14:30Sorry.
14:31It's all right.
14:32Go on.
14:33I shouldn't say, but Mr Bainton in Chalet 5 passed away, God rest him,
14:37and no-one's taken the room.
14:40Well, I have a master key.
14:42Carol, that's very sweet, but I'm not going to live in a retirement village,
14:45all right.
14:46Oh!
14:51Oh, my God!
14:53Dennis Taylor?
14:54You're the snooker pro?
14:55Yes.
14:56What's the matter?
14:57Did you not make enough money in the 80s?
14:59What?
15:01You being all right, Dennis?
15:03Oh, my God.
15:04Trevor Nelson?
15:06What are you doing here?
15:08Well, Nelson and Taylor drumming bass lessons.
15:11You got a problem with that?
15:12Well, I think it's a shit name,
15:14and I think it's pretty weird that you're working together,
15:16but my main problem is you're stealing my fucking inheritance.
15:20Oh, dear.
15:22Dennis does not like people with bad manners.
15:33Christ!
15:38Joe, I need a new shirt.
15:39Er, that is all I have left.
15:41You must have something else.
15:46What's wrong with you?
15:47Look.
15:48It's a coincidence, all right.
15:49It's the same blouse.
15:50It isn't.
15:51I think you'll find mine enjoys the ruffled neck.
15:55It's basically the same garment, like...
15:57Here again, fuck of the time.
16:00Jenny.
16:01Jenny.
16:02I would like a balance on this account, please.
16:07These signatures don't look the same.
16:09Jenny, I last signed for this one.
16:10I was nine years of age.
16:11My signature's moved on a bit.
16:15Fine.
16:16I'll pop over here on practice.
16:21Excuse me.
16:22You'll have to join the back of the queue when you've done that.
16:24No, no.
16:25We're mid-transaction.
16:26They're right.
16:27Back of the queue.
16:28Oh, right.
16:29You're happy to help this ticket, though, aren't you?
16:31He needs help.
16:32Why?
16:33Because he doesn't look like you.
16:34No, because...
16:35I couldn't read!
16:38How could you?
16:39Lift home?
16:40Two, right.
16:41Restocking this box and coming straight back down here.
16:42Great.
16:43So work rather than home?
16:44Both.
16:45Eh?
16:46Oh, Joe.
16:47You can't live here, for God's sake.
16:48Where do you sleep?
16:49Well, I thought you'd love it.
16:50I sleep on the desk.
16:51And Mickey...
16:52Yes.
16:53Hello, Mickey.
16:54Hello, Mickey.
16:55Hello.
16:56Hello, Mickey.
16:57Hello.
16:58Hello.
16:59Hello, Mickey.
17:00Hello.
17:01Hello.
17:02Hello, Mickey.
17:03Hello.
17:04Hello, Mickey.
17:05Hello, Mickey.
17:08Mr Crumbs just stands in the corner.
17:10Who's Mr Crumbs?
17:12Brian, he's one of my best friends.
17:14He once held his breath for an hour.
17:16Joe, you can't live in a fucking lost property storage room
17:19with a shelf-dwelling hobbit
17:20and a man whose only achievement is starving himself of oxygen.
17:31Get your stuff.
17:33You can stay at mine for a while.
17:34A short while.
17:36But what about your kids?
17:37Another week or two won't do any harm.
17:39Pushing in?
17:40Some of us have got lives to get on with, you know.
17:41I am trying not to be homeless here.
17:42I don't see what's so urgent about a bag of coppers, anyway.
17:43Who says I've got a bag of coppers?
17:44We can all hear you jingling.
17:45You'd better not have.
17:46It's none of your business what I'm queuing for.
17:47It's a bag of coppers!
17:48Right then, let's see what's in this little NASTEC, shall we?
17:49I'm sorry it took me so long.
17:50I haven't done bubble writing in a while.
17:5163 pounds.
17:5263 pounds.
17:53Again, please?
17:5463 pounds.
17:55Jesus Christ!
17:56What the fuck am I going to do with you as this is what I'm making me now?
17:57A lot of things that you have.
17:58I have?
17:59It's none of your business what I'm queuing for.
18:00It's a bag of coppers.
18:01And then, let's see what's in this little NASTEC, shall we?
18:03I'm sorry it took me so long.
18:04I haven't done bubble writing in a while.
18:09while 63 pounds again please 63 pounds jesus christ what the fuck am i gonna do with 63 pounds
18:27look at me i've got a baby on the way jenny how am i gonna have a twister box family with 63
18:39me all this fuss help me
18:56and you know where to live no my friend won't let the baby stay so now the baby is a huge commitment
19:05probably not sensible to live in a shared house what does your girlfriend think she doesn't even
19:09know she's been away i'm supposed to pick her up from the airport today sorry it's just we can't
19:20have a twister box family when i'm in this mess all right let me see what i can do
19:35here's what i can do for you we're going to open you a new account and i probably shouldn't do this
19:51but i'm going to put a three thousand pound overdraft on it so you can rent a place
19:56you would do that for me yes i will just need to get the form filled out and then you can go and pick
20:01her up probably a bit late to rent a flat now but nice hotel maybe you are so kind oh yes i have a
20:10daughter who's about to give birth and she knows what it's like to have an unreliable father she's been
20:16in america working out her notice and she doesn't hold out much hope that this dan character has sorted
20:23anything out so what's the name it's been to bintu bintu bintu okay and the surname
20:40bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bintu bint
21:10I don't want to keep her waiting. You know what she's like.
21:13Well, that would be a wasted trip, young man.
21:16What?
21:22Oh, let's get him in the car.
21:27No!
21:27This time yesterday, she waited for three hours before she called us.
21:32It's a bad start.
21:37There we go. Should be enough space.
21:38Rules of the house, all of which Dan ignored.
21:41If you enjoy toast, there is a crumb brush under the counter.
21:44I and I alone stack the dishwasher.
21:46If you use the toilet for anything more substantial than...
21:49They took their time.
21:54Hi, guys. Come on in.
21:57You are so kind, Brian.
22:00I only meant you could stay, Joe.
22:03Oh.
22:04Mr Crumbs, I presume?
22:06I am Mr Crumbs.
22:13One week, max.
22:15Thanks, Brian.
22:17Where's Dan going to live?
22:18He's got a plan B, apparently.
22:21This is it?
22:26Yeah.
22:27Yeah, this is it.
22:29I'm all set.
22:31So Emma's...
22:32Oh, she's just going to stay with her folks for a while,
22:35just to touch base.
22:37And then, you know...
22:38We're playing it modern.
22:41Loose.
22:42It's all cool.
22:47Thanks.
22:48Thanks.
22:48Bye.
22:57Bye.
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