- 2 days ago
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00:01If anyone has any information on who put the shag, marry or kill chart up in the canteen,
00:05it would be gratefully received.
00:07The dinner ladies are technically members of staff and don't deserve to be ranked in that way.
00:12OK, well, that's all then. Let's have a good last day.
00:15And I hope to see you all bright and refreshed at the beginning of next term.
00:22Oh, we forgot to say goodbye to Mr Davis.
00:25Ten full years at the school.
00:27Having only been here a short time, I can't imagine what it must have been like working with him for that many years.
00:35I really can't.
00:37Would any of you like to share a memory?
00:43How about a time you felt...
00:46..inspired by Mr Davis?
00:52Anyone?
00:52Yes, Robin?
00:58Who... who is he?
01:00It's me, Robin!
01:04And I think we're done.
01:06Good luck, Mr Davis.
01:09Certainly gonna need it.
01:11I'd like to say a few words, could I, head teacher?
01:13If you must.
01:14I must.
01:15I just want to say have a great summer holiday, and I've had a lot of fun teaching here.
01:27I have, really.
01:32And, er...
01:33So, great news, I was chatting to the heads, and he says,
01:39you can all go home early today.
01:41You can go now.
01:41See you later.
01:43Sorry, excuse me.
01:45That is not the case.
01:45Can you open your feet down to your seats?
01:47What?
01:47Can you all please sit?
01:49Can you all please sit down?
01:50Can you...
01:51I have a leaving party tonight at special needs.
01:54It's fancy dress, surf wear.
01:56You can come if you like.
01:57No!
01:57Didn't think so!
01:58You can come if you like.
02:29Sir!
02:30Sir!
02:30Hey, boys, you better go back in.
02:32Head's gonna pop his big vein.
02:34I just wanted to give you this.
02:36No way!
02:39Dear sir, having Miss Clark has made us realise that you are a shit teacher,
02:45but you was a fairly good laugh, and you didn't make us do no work.
02:51I honestly don't know who you are.
02:53I know, Robin.
02:55That's not for me.
02:56It is.
02:58I mean, that is actually very good.
03:05Took me ages.
03:07Come on, you lot.
03:08Back inside.
03:09The head thinks we're in L.A.
03:10It's run round to say we're on lockdown.
03:13What time at special needs, then?
03:15No way.
03:15You're not coming.
03:17Well, congratulations.
03:18You may be the only school representative.
03:19I've got a Hawaiian dress.
03:21My son says he'll leave home if I ever wear it, so this might be my chance to get rid of the fucking parasite.
03:27God, they are scum, aren't they?
03:28Will you miss this place?
03:31Yeah.
03:34No.
03:36Yes.
03:38Perhaps.
03:40Are you all right?
03:41Yeah.
03:41I'm trying to be poetic and aloof.
03:43Oh, I thought you'd had a stroke.
03:44Well, I'm glad you're having a great time, because in one year of teaching here, you're going to look like this.
03:50You don't look so bad.
03:52Go on.
03:52No, honestly.
03:53I mean, you're fat, obviously.
03:56Obviously.
03:57And your teeth are a bit...
03:59Fucked.
04:00Fucked?
04:04Did you need some spare knickers?
04:07What?
04:08You've got some hanging out of your trousers.
04:11Shit.
04:13See you later.
04:14Yeah, bye.
04:16Fuck.
04:17Be careful, my fat friend.
04:19The streets in America are full of lunatics.
04:21With guns, you pause a traffic light.
04:22They say, hey, come on, move on.
04:24So I give you this.
04:30To protect yourself.
04:31Oh.
04:32Yeah.
04:33Well, thank you, Mr. Clark.
04:34Hey.
04:36Use it.
04:40You're meant to be in beachwear, Brian.
04:42This is how I dress to the beach.
04:44Anyway, fancy dresses pointless escapism.
04:47As I said to Julia's brother, you may be dressed as Yogi Bear, but you're still the subject of an HMRC investigation.
04:51He must have got dressed up as a kid.
04:53Yes.
04:53Michael Thompson's birthday party, 1981.
04:56I was five.
04:57I went as Neville Chamberlain.
04:59Thompson led the mockery, but he works at a Mecca Bingo now and has stopped laughing almost completely.
05:04Brian, I'm worried about...
05:06What are we going to do when it's just us?
05:08Do you think you'd be a bit less...
05:09You?
05:12Et to Joe?
05:13Yeah, I'm starving, mate.
05:14I think I might have a third egg.
05:17What, you?
05:17Costume.
05:18You look like a serial killer from an ITV drama.
05:22Sorted.
05:22Music.
05:23Mickey's got decks.
05:24He's doing a lot of poppers at the moment.
05:25So, we can expect a fair bit, Batchley boys.
05:27Okay.
05:28Lighting.
05:28Member.
05:29It's got to look...
05:29Good on camera.
05:30I know.
05:30Yeah, all sorted.
05:31You still think a Skype call from your party is the best way to tell Emma you're coming?
05:35Yeah.
05:35I've told her.
05:36Two o'clock her time.
05:37Get ready for a phone call.
05:39And the surprise of her life.
05:41Romantic.
05:42Frightening is the word.
05:43Never mind that.
05:44Did you get the invites out?
05:45Of course.
05:46Barely made the post, thanks to the venue change.
05:48What venue change?
05:50I didn't mention.
05:50We can't have it at the shop, the man said.
05:52What man?
05:53Landlord.
05:54No parties in the shop, apparently.
05:56Quite right, too.
05:57Joe, it's always been at the shop.
05:59Dan!
06:01Look at me.
06:03Look at me.
06:04Joe.
06:05Do you trust me?
06:05Look at me.
06:07Do you trust me?
06:11No.
06:13Not at all.
06:14Go home or wait.
06:15It's going to be off the fucking chain.
06:19Where is it?
06:20Last time I saw her this confident, I ended up driving her to the spot where she had definitely
06:23seen a leprechaun.
06:25Needless to say, it was an old lady.
06:27I am having a fucking party.
06:28Oi!
06:29Shh!
06:29Be quiet.
06:30You be quiet for once.
06:33Bob!
06:35Go on, then.
06:35What do I care?
06:36I'm leaving.
06:36Go and get him.
06:38Tell you what, I'll get him myself.
06:41Bob?
06:42Bob!
06:44Bob!
06:47Bob!
06:53You out here, Bob?
06:55God, you look like a year old man.
06:57Oh, hi, Bob.
07:00Following your love to America is just the kind of crazy thing he would have done.
07:04Yeah, it was pretty stressful.
07:07Hey.
07:0830 years ago, I left home to be with a woman I love.
07:12The heart wants what it wants, Dan.
07:15And you don't regret it.
07:17Bob!
07:19It's the worst thing I've ever done.
07:21Bob!
07:22She sleeps with a house brick.
07:26Bob!
07:27Yeah, coming, baby!
07:29All I see when I close my eyes at night is fried eggs.
07:32I'm in hell.
07:33Bob!
07:34I've got to go.
07:35No, Dan.
07:35She's trying to kill me.
07:36You've got to help me.
07:37Please.
07:37Bob!
07:38Dan!
07:39Bob!
07:39Dan!
07:40You've got to help her brother out.
07:41Don't leave me alone with her.
07:43You don't know what it's like.
07:45Dan!
07:46Bob!
07:48Bob!
07:49Bob!
07:49You see my braces, Polly?
07:59They're in the drawer.
08:00Well, I've looked in the drawer, obviously, for pity's sake.
08:02I'm the guilty party, I'm afraid.
08:04Fan belt went on the Land Rover, and I'm getting her ready for sale,
08:07so I had to improvise.
08:08I see.
08:10Oh, for me?
08:12Is it a toaster?
08:13No.
08:14It's a surfboard.
08:15No way.
08:17It's so...
08:19portable.
08:20But they love surfing, the Americans.
08:22We looked it up on Yahoo.
08:23Can't see you're surfing myself.
08:25Coast Guard will think you're the bloated corpse of an elephant seal.
08:28Charming.
08:29You must come and do a speech at my leaving party.
08:31Which presumes I'm attending.
08:33Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la.
08:34Tell him, Polly.
08:36It's just a silly mistake.
08:37Daddy booked a weekend in Bruges, and I thought it was next weekend.
08:42But it's...
08:42Too late for a refund, sadly.
08:44You're not coming.
08:47Oh, Daniel, don't be upset.
08:49I won't go.
08:50I'll stay.
08:51Polly!
08:52I'll come to the party, Daniel.
08:53Don't you worry.
08:54I'll drink for the three of us.
08:56It's fine.
08:57Have you seen my flip-flops?
08:58They're in your bedroom, and I've packed everything already.
09:02Come and see.
09:09Ooh, you got him a present, too.
09:12You should have given it to him.
09:13It's not for Daniel.
09:16Sorry you're leaving.
09:18It's for you, Nesta.
09:20For me?
09:21Oh, dear.
09:22I just presumed you must be missing the farm.
09:26Three's a crowd, after all.
09:28Yes.
09:29Yes.
09:31Yes, I suppose you're right.
09:33You will be careful in these flip-flops, won't you, love?
09:42When you were young, your knees were always...
09:44We're covered in plasters, I know.
09:46Come on, don't cry.
09:49One of the crevices will fill up, and you'll drown in your own face.
09:52You will ring when you land.
09:56Yes, of course I will, silly.
10:00What?
10:02Where?
10:04Right.
10:06It's Jo.
10:06She says come outside.
10:07She's on Mulcroft Drive.
10:13Jo, what is going on?
10:14Party time.
10:16Where?
10:16Right here.
10:18Three, two, one.
10:21Party bus!
10:25Party!
10:33Come on.
10:36This is not a party bus.
10:38It is.
10:39It smells like meat.
10:40Dan, a party is what you make of it.
10:42Allez, allez, c'est parti, c'est parti.
10:44I know, Françoise.
10:45We'll be there in a minute.
10:46I am not skyping Emma from the back of a fucking lorry.
10:49Hey, on y va, là , ou quoi, bordel?
10:51J'en ai main d'attendre.
10:52Yes, all right, Françoise.
10:54Les vaches sont dans les bibliothèques.
10:56God, he's touchy today.
10:57Oh, mais tu te fous de ma gueule, là , ou quoi?
10:59Écoutez, hein, j'ai pas que ça à faire.
11:01Vous vous démerdez.
11:02Moi, je me casse.
11:04Françoise.
11:05J'ai la, Françoise.
11:06When are you taking a party?
11:09Françoise!
11:10Where's your party gone?
11:12I'm sure it'll be fine, young man.
11:14The party probably just needs an M.O.T.
11:16Mickey's not answering his phone.
11:18What's be some sort of misunderstanding?
11:19No shit.
11:20Better be making tracks, Polly.
11:23Where's Nesta?
11:25I'm not the woman's keeper.
11:33Bye, Daniel.
11:34The vache d'un la bibliothèque.
11:42The couch in the library.
11:45Yes, it's just a bit of a surprise, that's all.
11:49Well, what do the girls think about it?
11:53They're quite happy.
11:56Right.
11:56No, I just...
11:59That's fine.
12:00Yep.
12:01No, that's fine.
12:01OK.
12:01No, that's fine.
12:31So, 90% of my guests are in the back of a lorry on the way to France.
12:42Nesta has gone AWOL, and my own mum can't attend
12:44because she's gone on a mini-break with a cunt.
12:47So far, so good.
12:47Look, a leaving do is an overrated thing.
12:49It's just an ego boost.
12:51The important thing...
12:52Oh, we're having a party.
12:55Not here.
12:56Yes, we fucking are, Brian.
12:58Joe, get some tunes on and call the remaining guests.
13:00Brian, what booze have you got?
13:02I don't have anything, and you're not having it here.
13:04I have to disobey you, Brian.
13:05I'm probably being silly, but I can't help but feel some of this is my fault.
13:11No, no, no.
13:12The international miniatures are display only.
13:14Not anymore.
13:15I've spent more than 20 years on that collection.
13:17You can keep the bottles.
13:19Portuguese scotch, anyone.
13:22Oh, God.
13:23It tastes like blood, but it feels like it's doing the trick.
13:26Miss Clark's trying to get a babysitter, so that's one person who might come.
13:28Good.
13:29Here.
13:30How was the vacuum port?
13:31That's a well done.
13:33Keep trying.
13:35Good, Brian.
13:37Now, it's a party.
13:38We're going to need decorations and lighting.
13:39What have you got?
13:40Nothing.
13:41This is my home, not a scout disco.
13:43Brian, I am having a leaving party.
13:46It's going to be fun, and we're going to get drunk.
13:48And then, in two hours, I'm going to Skype the love of my life and tell her I'm coming to America.
13:52Oh, Christ, it's her.
13:57She's ringing early.
13:58Look at the fucking state of this.
13:59She can't see this.
14:00OK, OK, calm down.
14:02I've got some Christmas tree lights in the loft.
14:03Good.
14:04You can give me a leg up.
14:05Joe, keep trying the lorry and try and track Nester down.
14:08That's right.
14:08I want my 80-year-old auntie here to bolster numbers.
14:11Quite a party.
14:12Don't look at me like that hound.
14:31No, Daniel doesn't want a silly old lady at his party.
14:37Just you and me now.
14:38Let me go up.
14:41For God's sake, I know where they are.
14:43Everything is in a very specific order.
14:45Seriously, Brian?
14:48It's a collector's item.
14:49I've got every issue since 1993.
14:52That MP you've got the hots for?
14:54And Fintan.
14:55You can see into her bathroom, my beer.
14:57Oh, my God.
14:58I'll board it up immediately.
14:59She's in there now.
15:00Then get the lights and bring them down.
15:02If your gaze lingers for two seconds longer, you're officially a peeping Peter,
15:05and you won't get into America because you'll be on a list.
15:07Oh, come on.
15:08It's my leaving party.
15:10Two lads, hijinks and all that.
15:13Besides, I know you want to have a little peek.
15:15You haven't stopped talking about her.
15:17Absolutely not.
15:19This is bloody illegal.
15:21Stop looking in your berthad.
15:22I mean, she's in her dressing gown, so it's all right, I suppose.
15:29It's fine.
15:30It's just hijinks.
15:34Oh, hang on a minute.
15:36What's she up to?
15:38Magnificent creature.
15:41Oh, no.
15:43She's not.
15:43She is, I'm afraid.
15:47I mean, fine, get her to the party, but you'd better get some pizza.
15:51I'm just going to be hungry.
15:52I don't believe you.
15:54I'm going down.
15:54Hey.
15:55She'll hear the creak.
15:56And besides, this is the only fun I've had all day.
15:58Watching a Member of Parliament having a...
16:00Dear God, man, what's become of us?
16:03Player, this is my party.
16:04Hello, there.
16:13Just getting some lights down for a party, if you fancy it.
16:19Kenyan tequila?
16:24I think there's a chance you may call the police.
16:26Dear God, I was going to ask her to do a cheese and wine.
16:28Not my problem.
16:29I'll be on a plane tomorrow.
16:30Oh.
16:32Emma, again.
16:33We are going to have to get set up quickly.
16:35My phone's dead.
16:35Give me yours.
16:36I'm worried about Nicky.
16:37He's not allowed on ferries.
16:38Where are we going, anyway?
16:40Why do you think?
16:41Your shop.
16:42And I don't care if they're not allowed parties.
16:43We're going there.
16:44Oh, no, Dan, we can't.
16:45For God's sake, Dan, just accept there isn't going to be a party.
16:48There fucking is.
16:53Oh, Joe.
17:03When did this happen?
17:07Yesterday.
17:08It wasn't the monkey attack, was it?
17:09Because I'll tell them I got those wounds at Whipsnate.
17:12No, you know what it was, Brian.
17:13I wasn't making any money.
17:15He tried to warn me.
17:17I'm sorry, Dan.
17:18You should have just told us, you idiot.
17:21I still go to the pub.
17:24It's going to be Francoise.
17:25Hello?
17:28No, I'm with...
17:29Dan, it's your mum.
17:31Is she London?
17:32She's in hospital.
17:39You scared the life out of me.
17:41I'm OK.
17:43Tell him, doctor.
17:44She had a little angina attack.
17:46Oh, Polly.
17:48Angina?
17:49It's heart-related.
17:51Was it him?
17:53Did he stress you out, that arsehole?
17:54And where is he?
17:55It wasn't, Daddy.
17:57Really, it wasn't.
17:59This wasn't caused by stress.
18:01It's been a long time coming, I'm afraid.
18:02She will get better.
18:03Your mother will be fine,
18:04but she's going to need a lot of looking after.
18:06Recovery from this kind of thing takes a while.
18:08Is he?
18:09Daddy's gone home to get me some things already.
18:12I'll be fine.
18:13He'll look after me.
18:15You should get back to Joe's shop and carry on the party.
18:19There is no party moment.
18:20It doesn't matter.
18:22Just concentrate on getting better.
18:24What a bloody mess, eh?
18:32Your mum will be all right.
18:33Joe and I will pop in.
18:35You've got your own family to worry about, mate.
18:38Yeah, sort of.
18:41What?
18:43Oh, it doesn't matter.
18:45Come on.
18:46Let's have it all.
18:47It's nothing.
18:50Julia's promotion came through, that's all.
18:52It's in Scotland.
18:55A bit harder to see the girls.
18:57Bloody hell.
19:00Come on.
19:01This must be the worst party of all time, right?
19:11Your mum will be fine.
19:13She's got a daddy.
19:16Yeah.
19:18Why do you think he went home to get her stuff that quickly?
19:21I mean, she's barely been in here an hour.
19:23I did think I was a bit old, but...
19:26What are you doing here, you bloody giraffe full of shit?
19:43You should be with your mother.
19:45What are you doing?
19:49God.
19:52You're leaving her?
19:54When she's in hospital?
19:55You bloody stay here and nurse an invalid for months on end if you like.
19:58It's not my cup of tea.
20:01Yeah, that's right.
20:03Go on, hit me.
20:04There's nothing I'd like more than to see thee in court.
20:07Go on.
20:09Give daddy a slap.
20:14You're not my daddy.
20:21You silly little man.
20:24Where are you going to go?
20:26She's as good as it gets.
20:27You're right.
20:43Three is a crowd, you little shit.
20:47Lester, you're a family of bottlers.
20:51You wouldn't dare...
20:53Now, you're my witness, Daniel.
20:57He ran straight on to it.
20:59Slumsy little rat.
21:01I saw it with my own eyes.
21:03I'm sorry I'm late, dear.
21:04I got a text from Joe.
21:07Come on.
21:08Let's go and see your poor mum.
21:10I feel such an old fool.
21:18You are an old fool.
21:20Well, I'm an old fool with a lot of time on my hands now.
21:24So I'll be able to come and stay with you in America.
21:27For weeks.
21:28Oh, God.
21:29Me too.
21:30Maybe we can open up an American business, Dan.
21:33Yeah.
21:34I've been thinking about this.
21:36What did you say sold well at your shop?
21:37Newspapers, vags and suites.
21:40Weird, right?
21:41Yeah.
21:42I mean, it's almost as if you should have opened a...
21:45News agents?
21:47I'll help you with a new pitch tomorrow.
21:50Wicked.
21:50I'll drive you to the airport, Dan.
21:55I'm not going.
21:57What?
21:58Come on.
21:59Of course I'm not going.
22:01Jesus Christ.
22:01Look at the state of you all.
22:03And besides, following a girl to America based on one knee trembler,
22:07his folly, right, Nesta?
22:08Well.
22:10Sorry.
22:11God, sorry.
22:12Hi, Dan.
22:13I, um, I just heard about your mum and I bought this.
22:18Veg.
22:19Sweets.
22:20My idea.
22:21Well, come in, do you?
22:22Any friend of Daniel's is a friend of ours.
22:28Oh.
22:29Sorry, I'd better take this.
22:31Oh, at last.
22:42Where have you been?
22:43I've been leaving you messages.
22:45Hey, it's all fine.
22:46It's not all fine.
22:48It is.
22:49I'm here with her now.
22:50It's all sorted.
22:52But listen, Emma, I'm staying.
22:54What are you talking about?
22:55It's madness, I know, but I was going to follow you out there,
22:57but what with everything that's happened?
22:59Dan!
23:01I told you I hadn't been feeling well.
23:04You fucking idiot.
23:05I'm pregnant.
23:08No!
23:09Dan.
23:10No, I...
23:11Ah!
23:12Ow!
23:13Ow!
23:13Ow!
23:14Ow!
23:14Ow!
23:15Ow!
23:15Ow!
23:16Ow!
23:17Help me!
23:18Ow!
23:19Ow!
23:20Ow!
23:20Ow!
23:21Ow!
23:22Ow!
23:23Ow!
23:24Ow!
23:24Fuck it!
23:25Ow!
23:26Ow!
23:26Ow!
23:27Ow!
23:27Ow!
23:33Damn!
23:35Yep.
23:36All good.
23:55Eboth!
23:57That's so great!
24:07I've enjoyed it.
24:09Yay!
24:16Want play?
24:17Move my.
24:17Ow!
24:19Bye!
24:20Woo!
24:21Boat woman!
24:21Who menu have you?
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