- 2 days ago
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00:01And have you got bad nipples?
00:04Sore nipples.
00:06Bad nipples?
00:08Low mood?
00:10Well, now and again I feel a bit...
00:12Constipation?
00:13A little.
00:14Vaginal itching?
00:15Only when she senses danger.
00:21Yes.
00:22Insomnia?
00:23Poor appetite?
00:24Breast tenderness?
00:25Perineal pain?
00:26Yes.
00:27Well, that all sounds pretty standard.
00:29Now, me thinks mummy needs baby to have a daddy day.
00:35You mean me have it? For the day on my own?
00:39Well, yes.
00:40No, he's got work.
00:42I'll get Ali to cover.
00:43You've not had him on your own yet.
00:44I'll be fine. We'll be fine.
00:46It's not a good time for it. We've got his christening.
00:48And we want to make sure his gown fits.
00:50You need a break.
00:51I'm fine. Honestly, I don't want a break or need a break.
00:54You don't understand? He's a fucking idiot!
00:56And...
00:573...
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01:24Brian?
01:25What's wrong with you?
01:26You're useless.
01:27You've never let yourself down before, Jesus Christ!
01:30I've got enough problems. Pull yourself together!
01:34Someone's got to help him.
01:40Everyone trusts you.
01:41Don't let us down now, Daddy.
01:45I mean it.
01:46I won't.
01:53I won't!
02:00All the times that I've cried
02:03Keeping all the things I knew inside
02:07It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it
02:12What the fuck?
02:18It's very kind of you, Joe, but...
02:20It's the least I can do.
02:21You let me move in with you when I was getting myself fully registered as a human
02:24and things are shaping up, so now let me help you.
02:27I'm fine.
02:28I found you with your head in the oven.
02:30I was cleaning it.
02:31It was covered in melted cheese from one of your friends.
02:34Mick is trying to perfect his four-cheese volcano and he's very close.
02:40Talk to her.
02:43I'm sure...
02:45Sue.
02:46Sue is great at...
02:49what she does, but I don't need any help.
02:53Sue.
02:54Let's start with a positive.
02:56Joe tells me you recently had a sexual reawakening in a war museum.
03:01I have just met you.
03:07Fuck.
03:08Shakira, would you like Sue to read your palm?
03:10No point.
03:11I melted it smooth on a hot plate.
03:13Oh.
03:14OK.
03:15Oh!
03:16Dan!
03:17And you've got cyber bridges with you!
03:19Well, you're not going to believe this.
03:21When I look at him, he turns away.
03:24My first day with him, he won't even look at me.
03:26Please, tell me you haven't got a persecution complex about a baby.
03:29Missy?
03:34He's right.
03:35Right?
03:36This is bloody typical.
03:37When I was a kid, I pestered Mum and Dad for a dog I could go on adventures with.
03:41Did it like being stroked?
03:43No.
03:44Did it fetch a stick?
03:45Did it fuck?
03:46I can't handle this.
03:47Brian!
03:48Brian!
03:49What about your chart?
03:51Dan, we're going to have to call the Samaritans.
03:53I hear him moaning all night and he's getting through a whole box of tissues every day.
03:57Never mind him!
03:58My fucking son hates me!
04:00Whoa!
04:01A curse word should only be used in front of a child in its proper context.
04:05Dan, Sue, Sue, Dan.
04:07You should listen to Sue.
04:08She once caused someone's cancer with a cinnamon stick.
04:11Hello, Sue.
04:12And also, no thank you.
04:14Advice is free.
04:16Mother doesn't charge for love.
04:17Bong!
04:18Right.
04:19Well, he's my son.
04:20I don't need advice.
04:21Especially from someone who says bong for no reason.
04:26Bong.
04:27Bong!
04:28Oi!
04:32I need some advice.
04:34It's a baby, Daniel.
04:35They look round for God's sake.
04:37When a calf is born, it doesn't bond with the bull.
04:40Straight onto the teat and a clumsy stumble round the field.
04:43Two months later, it's on the plate.
04:45Pinch of salt.
04:46Delicious.
04:47How is any of that comparable?
04:48Oh, Daniel.
04:49Your generation overthinks things.
04:51All this bonding and boob feeding.
04:54I just used to pop a bottle in your mouth and set up a fondue for the evening.
04:59And you used to look round, I wager.
05:01Oh, yes.
05:02Your dad took you to the pub once.
05:04You wouldn't take your eyes off something.
05:06He couldn't work out what it was until...
05:09It was the peanut display behind the bar.
05:11You know, one of those ones with a picture of a model behind.
05:13Well, someone bought a pack and her breast was revealed.
05:17You'd never seen one before because breastfeeding disgusted me.
05:21But you were entranced by it.
05:24Pervert, baby.
05:25Oh, my God.
05:27How did any of us survive the 70s?
05:30He must look at me sometime, surely.
05:32Have you tried singing to him, Daniel?
05:34Used to love being sung to.
05:36Good idea, Polly.
05:38Wait a minute.
05:39Oh.
05:40What a treat for us.
05:43I'd love to have a baby one day, but me father says me hips are too narrow.
05:48And if I did have a baby, it'd be no more than a week old before I'd killed it by accident.
05:59I think you'd be a great mother, Carol.
06:01Really?
06:02Oh.
06:03Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
06:08What the fuck is that?
06:10Your favourite when you were a barn boy.
06:12The Dudley Lullaby.
06:14The what?
06:15He doesn't even remember it, Lester.
06:17Well, listen up, Daniel.
06:19And then you and the baby will have something of your very own.
06:22You can serenade him for the rest of the day.
06:25That'll do it.
06:28Oh, you are a filthy sod.
06:31Mucky as tar and caked in clod.
06:34The uncle hears of your sins to God.
06:36He'll kick you down the stairs.
06:38Nay, supper for you till your chores are done.
06:41No bread don't drink it for you, my son.
06:43For uncle wants you light as a crumb.
06:46When he kicks you down the stairs.
06:49Jesus Christ.
06:50Is that what you used to sing to me?
06:53No wonder my life's utter shit.
06:55Your arm will break and your shin will too.
06:58Your bladder will burst like a pop balloon.
07:01Your head will split and you'll be through.
07:04When he kicks you down the stairs.
07:12Yeah, I'll take any appointment there is.
07:14I'm aware Dr Stevens is busy.
07:16We're all busy.
07:17I'm at work.
07:18But I'm perfectly happy to see the locum.
07:19I just would like to be seen today, if at all possible.
07:21Look!
07:24Look, I have paid every single penny of every single little bit of tax
07:27that I've ever owed.
07:28And I've asked very little of the NHS in return.
07:30But there is something wrong with me now.
07:35Right.
07:37Well, yes, that is in the ballpark of what I need actually.
07:41Sorry, you can tell that just from the tone of my voice.
07:45Right.
07:46I'll pick the prescription up in my lunch break.
07:52Western medicine won't solve your problems.
07:54And their drugs make you crave burgers on purpose.
07:58Sue and I made a wound, Brian.
08:00Get in and tell her why you keep shouting and crying.
08:03Out!
08:04No!
08:05You need looking after.
08:06And me and Sue are determined to make you well.
08:08You're safe in the womb.
08:10Fuck the womb!
08:13Brian!
08:15I don't care what Mr Davies does.
08:17If you talk to me like that lad, you'll get a smack in the nads.
08:23Oh, it's welfare having you here, miss.
08:25I'm not supposed to be here.
08:26It's my day of free lessons.
08:28Dick, isn't he?
08:29Oi!
08:30You've got to help me.
08:31What are you doing?
08:32He hates me.
08:33Oh, he's cute.
08:34Can't it come from your balls?
08:35Can I have a go?
08:36No, you cannot have a go, Jason.
08:38He's not a selfie stick.
08:40Go's!
08:41Babies are bullshit!
08:45He stinks of shit.
08:46I think it smells quite nice, actually.
08:49She's 28.
08:51Oh, really?
08:52Going well, then.
08:53I think deep down I always knew he wouldn't like me.
08:57He's too young for me to even bribe with toys.
09:00The only good thing is he can't grasp me up to Amex, he can't talk.
09:03You fucking twat.
09:05Just relax.
09:07Go and do something enjoyable.
09:09How's that for a radical idea?
09:11I don't know what they like, do I?
09:12What are your boys into?
09:14My boys are big.
09:15They're like violence.
09:17Yours is a baby.
09:18They're like anything.
09:19Give him a cuddle and show him some colourful shapes, you daft knob.
09:24Can I take him bowling?
09:25No!
09:26Just take him somewhere you like and talk at him.
09:30Jesus.
09:32This is important.
09:33Always keep an eye on where he is.
09:35What?
09:38Jason!
09:39Bring him back here now!
09:42Jason!
09:45So it doesn't matter where I take you?
09:47No.
09:48I bet none of your friends get to do this in the middle of the week, do they?
09:57Best dad ever!
09:59Come on!
10:00Here comes the curry train!
10:02Hello?
10:15Tell me you are not feeding your eight-week-old baby a curry!
10:18Hey!
10:19Would you want to bond, alright?
10:20He's been a bit frosty.
10:22But this food could kill him!
10:23I think you'll find this place is award-winning.
10:25Right, Parvan?
10:26No.
10:27Oh.
10:28He must be next door.
10:29Anyway.
10:30But he shouldn't be on solids till he's at least six months!
10:34What about a doll?
10:36Or a little Rita?
10:37Oh!
10:40Strike two!
10:42What was strike one?
10:43First impression!
10:50She just doesn't understand this, that's all.
10:53You and me were special, aren't we?
10:55Look at me.
10:57Look at Daddy!
10:59Christ!
11:00You're so cute!
11:01You're so cute!
11:02You're so cute!
11:08Really Brian, this is the way you're going!
11:11Tell him Sue!
11:12The drugs don't work!
11:14Depression is just chakra misalignment.
11:17Or wheat intolerance!
11:18Now, I've no idea what that means, but Sue is shithot at this stuff.
11:21Fuck off! Both of you, fuck off!
11:24I'm not depressed.
11:26Joe, you promised you'd get a job to pay off your tax, right?
11:29Hanging around with a bullshit-spousing walled narcissist
11:32is not a fucking job! No offence, Sue!
11:36Don't let his serpent of aggression bring you down.
11:39Let's go and toss scarves in the park
11:41and celebrate the Earth Mother and every woman.
11:43OK, Sue!
11:48Never forget what your uncle said.
11:50Don't you suggest his nose is red,
11:51for that is why your brother's dead,
11:53cos it kicked him down the stairs.
11:57Oi! It's a lullaby! Jog on!
12:03Come on.
12:08Have you any idea how long I've waited for you, mate?
12:12The one person I thought wouldn't think I was a prick.
12:15Come on.
12:16Look at me.
12:19Look at Daddy.
12:20I think he may be interested in old Sheba here.
12:25Problems?
12:27You could say that.
12:28You know it can take a while to find each other.
12:32Sorry? Who?
12:34Father and child.
12:35I couldn't help but overhear.
12:38And if you don't mind me saying,
12:40I think you may be trying too hard.
12:51He hates me.
12:53He most certainly does not.
12:55Huh.
12:56May I?
12:57May I?
12:59Sorry?
13:00A strange request from an old blind fool, but may I?
13:04Ah.
13:04There he is.
13:10He's looking straight at you.
13:12I know.
13:12I know.
13:14And yet, I have no eyes.
13:16Incredible.
13:17You see, he feels me.
13:20He feels that I care, and that he's safe.
13:23We don't always need to see, young man.
13:28Sometimes, we just need to feel beautiful.
13:34Do you have children?
13:38They're long grown up, but they still come round for a cuddle.
13:43Anyway, don't panic.
13:47You'll get there.
13:49Now, you take him back.
13:53Oh, my fuck!
13:54Sheba?
13:55It's bolted with my kid on its back, you prick!
13:58Not again!
14:00Sheba!
14:00Hey!
14:03Hey!
14:04Sheba!
14:05Sheba!
14:06Sheba!
14:07Fight!
14:09Joe!
14:10Joe!
14:12Joe!
14:13Joe!
14:17Oh, my God!
14:18Dan, what were you thinking?
14:19He's not old enough for dog rides.
14:21Maybe you do need a little advice.
14:23I didn't do it on purpose, did I?
14:25Shit!
14:29Look after him.
14:31I'm fine.
14:32I'm OK.
14:33I'm fine.
14:34Yes.
14:35Could you stand aside, please?
14:36I am a healthcare professional.
14:39Oh!
14:40Hello, Patty!
14:41Is that your dog, you fat whore?
14:43All right, mate.
14:44Where's your baby?
14:45Oh, just with friends round there.
14:47So safe.
14:48Show me.
14:49Yeah!
14:58Oh, my fucking God!
15:00Let him have my special milk.
15:02It's sweet with love.
15:04Milky Sue!
15:05No!
15:06Milky Sue?
15:07We should have seen this coming with a name like that.
15:09You told me her name was Sue!
15:11It's just her nickname.
15:13Joe!
15:14Patty's coming!
15:15Get my baby off that hippestit!
15:19Please?
15:20No!
15:25Patty!
15:26Hey!
15:27What the hell are you doing?
15:29Nothing.
15:30I'm just pleased to see you.
15:31We're having a lovely day.
15:32Me and the baby have bonded like fuck.
15:35Where is he?
15:36Just round there.
15:37Show me.
15:38Why?
15:39Milky Sue!
15:40Wait!
15:41Give me the baby!
15:42What's wrong with you?
15:43I want to tell you something.
15:46Dan!
15:47He's your child.
15:48He's fine!
15:49Hey!
15:50Putty!
15:51Milky Sue!
15:52Look him go!
15:53You're so natural!
15:55Putty, I'm a bad dad!
15:57I know!
15:58Sheba!
15:59I love him too much!
16:01Sheba!
16:02I'm lost without you!
16:04Milky Sue, please!
16:05No!
16:06Please!
16:09Oh!
16:11Sheba!
16:14What the fuck?
16:16Sheba!
16:22Sheba!
16:23Sheba!
16:26Sheba!
16:31Strike three, right?
16:33Fucking hell, Dan!
16:35It wasn't me.
16:36It was a blind man and a woman called Milky Sue.
16:38Who the fuck is...
16:40Never mind.
16:41We have narrowly avoided having our baby taken into care 48 hours before his christening.
16:46You are not having any more days on your own with him.
16:48Not until he's old enough to get a licence for a taser.
16:51I mean, Jesus Christ, Dan!
16:52You talk about us being a family!
16:54Oh!
16:55Oh!
16:56Oh!
16:57Oh!
16:58Oh!
16:59Oh!
17:00Oh!
17:01Oh!
17:02Oh!
17:03Oh!
17:04Oh!
17:06Oh!
17:07Oh!
17:08She'll come round, Dan.
17:16My mum used to leave me in a cattery when she had a lot on, and I turned out fine.
17:19And I always land on my feet if you push me with a wall.
17:22Oh, bloody hell, look at that.
17:25Face like a smacked arse.
17:27You know the rules about sulking, Daniel.
17:29What's wrong now?
17:31Oh, nothing.
17:32This is just probably the last time I've ever seen my son, that's all.
17:34It's lucky that you've got us, isn't it?
17:36You're my little lamb.
17:37Um, you're the one that needs looking after.
17:40I'll get out my banjo lele later and sing you to sleep.
17:45Oh, God.
17:57Who are they?
17:58Brian's happy pills.
18:00I stole them this morning because Sue said they can make you into a serial killer.
18:02That's the best news I've heard all week.
18:07It's not that bad, Dan.
18:10Yes.
18:10Fine.
18:12Brian!
18:13Hooray!
18:14And you look so well.
18:16Funny, isn't it?
18:17Who'd have thought conventional medicine would be more effective than a woman who will breastfeed
18:20anything with a mouth?
18:22Sorry, Brian.
18:23Anyway, Sue's gone to Thailand to learn how to float off the ground using her mind.
18:27Shut up.
18:27Come on.
18:29Come on.
18:36Amen.
18:37Amen.
18:38Now, we shall proceed with our joyous baptism.
18:46Brian, how long till these happy pills kick in?
18:48Dan!
18:49Why what?
18:51Your happy pills.
18:52I haven't got happy pills.
18:56Joe?
18:57I'm sorry, Brian.
18:58I was just worried.
18:59I told Dan about your tablets.
19:00Yeah.
19:01And I meant to tell you they don't work.
19:02You've taken one?
19:03I've double popped.
19:04What?
19:05Shut up.
19:06I always double pop.
19:06Look at the size of me.
19:07Unless I've had a shit house for a week.
19:09Dan, they're not happy pills.
19:11They're...
19:11Recreational.
19:14After what happened with Ali?
19:15What happened with me?
19:17Nothing.
19:18I'm not sure.
19:18Whatever it was, he's now on tablets.
19:20Narrow it down, Brian.
19:22Was it before or after Ali tossed you off at the war museum?
19:25Oh, that.
19:26Don't worry, Brian.
19:28We all have off days.
19:29Oh.
19:30Oh, my.
19:32Head dick pills.
19:33Shh.
19:34Joe, you nutter.
19:35You've made me take a king-sized dose of god pills.
19:37Oh, no.
19:39I've had one.
19:40Brian.
19:40I'm not going to grow a dick, am I?
19:42No, Joe.
19:43You are not going to grow a dick.
19:45I can't, Brian.
19:46We're here.
19:47Not at my own child's christening.
19:49The only work of you get aroused.
19:51So just don't get aroused.
19:52Can you manage that?
19:53In a church.
20:06Hey.
20:07But you were entranced.
20:32Quiet.
20:33Pervert baby.
20:34Oh, no.
20:46And would Baby Lipsy, the parents, and the godparents please join us at the front?
20:52And, um, do we have the father?
21:01Dan.
21:03I'm fine, thanks.
21:06Well, is he coming or not?
21:07No, no, no, no.
21:09You're all right.
21:10We usually have Daddy at the altar.
21:12Dan, get up here now.
21:17I don't want to.
21:19He doesn't like me anyway, so...
21:20Daniel, do you need some assistance?
21:23Get up, lad.
21:24No, I can't.
21:25Come along, man.
21:26He's able-bodied, no?
21:27Technically.
21:28Come on, you silly bugger.
21:30No, master, you don't...
21:32Crumbs.
21:44Oh, yeah.
21:46Now he looks at me.
21:47Oh, you are a filthy sword
21:50Mucky as tar-heads caked in cloth
21:53When Uncle hears of your sins to God
21:55He'll kick you down the stairs
21:58No supper for you till the chores are done
22:01No bread all dripping for you, my son
22:04For Uncle wants you light as a crumb
22:07When he kicks you down the stairs
22:10Your arm will break and your shin will do
22:13Your bladder will burst like a popped balloon
22:16Your head will split and you'll be through
22:20When he kicks you down the stairs
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