- 2 days ago
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00:00What do you think?
00:11Oh, go on, say it.
00:13I'm glad you've got time on your hands to waste, you silly old lady.
00:18It looks great, Mum.
00:21Well, I think a real tree makes Christmas.
00:25Yeah.
00:27It's really nice.
00:28Aw.
00:30Daniel!
00:46Daniel!
00:47What have you done?
00:48Oh, my God.
01:18Oh, Santa's been early.
01:23Are you joking?
01:24I've been bringing this shit here since October.
01:26It's sweet they buy you presents, Dan.
01:29Oh, really?
01:30Look at this, from Dennis.
01:32I've told the little fuckers, club together, buy me some booze.
01:35Oh, look, though, you can relax later with some lovely mountain bubble bath.
01:39Yes, thank you.
01:40I've got four bottles of this pain shop shit at home.
01:42It burns your flesh, Emma.
01:43It burns.
01:44Well, you could do with a wash.
01:45You appear to be covered in pine needles.
01:47What?
01:47Oh.
01:48It's the 12th case of Christmas.
01:50The 12th...
01:51It's my dad's tedious tradition.
01:52Just leave it.
01:58Here you go.
01:59One day, you'll realise just how lucky you are.
02:02Scrooge.
02:03Have you tried the toy depot, Brian?
02:17I've tried every bloody shop in a 20-mile radius.
02:20Julia's not going to forgive me if I can't find these things.
02:22The girls are obsessed with them.
02:23Who are the freaky farm folk, anyway?
02:24Oh, they're a collection of toy animals with glow-in-the-dark hooves
02:28that allegedly can communicate telepathically.
02:29Bizarre idea.
02:31Probably dreamt up in some non-member state.
02:33All the convenience of Europe.
02:35None of the restrictions.
02:36You've forgotten what it's like to be a kid.
02:38What was your best ever present?
02:40It was one year when the girls had mumps.
02:41I was allowed to watch the Queen's speech.
02:44Tell me what you make of that.
02:50Ah, Shakira.
02:52I shall have a chocolate milkshake and the Eggsmus special.
02:55Very funny, by the way.
02:57Get fucked.
03:03She totally likes you.
03:04Right.
03:05Oh, hold your horses.
03:06To my favourite troublesome teacher.
03:08Super flurry.
03:09Or damning with the faintest of praise, depending on which way you look at it.
03:12All my love. All my love.
03:15Exactly.
03:16It's a figure of speech.
03:17You should ask about Dan.
03:17So I'd bring her down here, tomorrow lunchtime.
03:19No, no.
03:20Go posh.
03:22Go Nando's.
03:23I fucking love chicken.
03:24Mmm, nice chicken dinner.
03:25Or, over a period of years, you could convince her that you care about your job.
03:30That you're motivated, thoughtful.
03:32Last time I saw you speaking to her, you asked her to go into a boiler room to go halves on a bastard.
03:37Yeah, I was flirting.
03:38There's no quick fix, Dan.
03:39Yes, there is.
03:41I know what I'm going to do.
03:42What?
03:43The thing that I have successfully avoided for my whole career.
03:47But I'll do one.
03:49And she will be enchanted.
03:51And she shall be mine.
03:53I'm going to do a school play.
03:56Yay!
03:58I'll get my eggs to celebrate my genius.
04:01I'm going to be a Dan to school play.
04:03And she'll do all the nerdy tech stuff for him.
04:04I'm not getting involved.
04:06Are those, er, my eggs, Shakira?
04:08I love the 12 scares of Christmas.
04:30Can't we just do space missions, sir?
04:32Yeah.
04:33Dennis, being in a school production would be very good for your character.
04:36You were just trying to impress Miss Lipsy.
04:38Shut it.
04:39Everyone's guessed.
04:41Do people get killed in it, sir?
04:42No, there's no killing.
04:44It sounds rubbish.
04:45It's not rubbish, Dennis.
04:46You'll like it because, ooh, it's set in space.
04:50Scrooge in space?
04:52Bit random, sir.
04:53Can't we do Bugsy Malone?
04:54Right, because that's not random, is it, son?
04:56Load of kids getting killed by custard.
04:57Wake up.
04:58This Scrooge bug sounds like a peda.
05:00Well, he's not.
05:02Right, so parts.
05:03Sir?
05:04Morris.
05:05I had a go on a pedo once.
05:07What?
05:08When we went to Bournemouth.
05:10Morris!
05:11Well, we had to give the man an extra five pounds
05:13because we were late coming back in and the tide had gone out.
05:16OK, that would have been a pedlo, Morris.
05:19Right, parts.
05:20Dennis, Emperor Scrooge.
05:22Morris, you can be Dobbs Cratchit.
05:24Obviously, Maureen, you will be the narrator.
05:26What's a pedo, then?
05:27It doesn't matter what a pedo is.
05:29It definitely matters.
05:30Guys, I'm trying to crack on with a play here.
05:31But, sir, if I might be so bold, who will arrange the music?
05:35What music?
05:36Surely you've ascertained by now.
05:38Scrooge 3000 is a musical.
05:41Oh, shit.
05:46Mr Fields-Williams.
05:48A moment, please.
05:49Lovely, my dear.
05:56Just lovely.
05:57And such a lightness of touch.
05:59Don't you think, Mr Davies?
06:00Oh, yes.
06:01It's just like Wagner was reborn as a child.
06:04Great indeed.
06:05Now, how can I help you, dear fellow?
06:08I'm doing a school production.
06:10I was hoping you'd take care of the music for me.
06:13Oh, dear.
06:13That sounds a little bit too hectic for me these days, I fear.
06:18I see.
06:20Let me rephrase it.
06:22Please help me.
06:24My life is dreadful.
06:25I beg you.
06:26Goodness me.
06:28Well, in that case, I'll just pop into the office and look at my diary.
06:36What are you doing here, Bride of Chucky?
06:38You're supposed to be in my lesson.
06:39Not anymore, you loser.
06:40I'm getting real lessons from an actual teacher.
06:43Good.
06:44Because you'll miss out on being in a school play.
06:46Scrooge 3000 is going to be awful.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Awful like your life.
06:51You're a cat lady waiting to happen.
06:53Oh, hello.
06:54I'm Mr Davies.
06:55I live with my mum and my dad, and I'm about 50.
06:58You little rat.
07:06Frank?
07:06Oh.
07:07Oh.
07:08Sorry, dear boy.
07:12I nodded off.
07:15Is that you, Frank?
07:17Oh.
07:17Oh, yeah.
07:19Berlin, 1956.
07:22Heady days with the Philharmonic.
07:25If I remember, that night ended with me dancing naked in the fountain.
07:30Oh, my God.
07:31Oliver Reed.
07:32Yes.
07:34Oh, that was a session.
07:35I managed to kick the booze before, darling Ollie.
07:39There, but for the grace of God.
07:41Hmm.
07:42So what do you say, Frank?
07:44Fancy reliving the glory days with a bit of Scrooge 3000.
07:47Oh, now, I've checked the diary, and you're in luck.
07:53I have nothing on for one year.
07:55Oh, wonderful.
07:57Oh, no.
08:01Who's Emma?
08:02Just a friend.
08:03I'm just doing my Christmas cards.
08:05Oh, the computer?
08:06Yes.
08:07No post office, no stamps.
08:09Pow!
08:10That's blown her little old lady mind, hasn't it?
08:12A lady friend.
08:13Well, I am pleased.
08:15Your dad and I were worried, you know, first Christmas without Naomi, you know.
08:19Oh, God, I'd forgotten about him.
08:20Where is he?
08:22Oh, he's putting a box of mince pies in the car for you to take in for the staff.
08:27Bastard.
08:28What have you done to my car, you monster?
08:30Nothing, Daniel.
08:31I thought it needed a bit of a clean.
08:33It was covered with pine needles.
08:35What is it?
08:39A nice trap on the clutch, is it?
08:41Very clever old man.
08:46I wonder if he should be doing this school play.
08:49It's making him very paranoid.
08:52Yes.
08:52Yes.
08:54Silly lad.
08:57Darling?
09:00Who's Emma?
09:05Who's Emma?
09:35Sir, is this the entire production team?
10:04I'm a little concerned about Mr. Phil Williams.
10:07He smells like my hamster's cage.
10:09Recognise.
10:10Oh, God.
10:12You all right?
10:13What's that?
10:14It's a seagull bite.
10:16What are you wearing?
10:18I've got them all.
10:19The deer, the mole and the owl.
10:22Now, where's my tech crew?
10:24Alan.
10:25Are you a pedalee?
10:30He's a futuristic miser, and his heart is back as coal.
10:37Coal is an ancient fossil.
10:39He was many years ago.
10:41He says he'll dot my plasma pay if I don't work on Christmas Day.
10:46Oh, Scrooge is the meanest of them all, of them all.
10:51And from Scrooge is the meanest of them all.
10:54Bad lasers!
10:56What?
10:57Not bad.
10:58Not bad.
10:59I mean, needs some work, but we've got two weeks.
11:02How hard can this be?
11:09Aha, Zob, scratch it!
11:11I won't buy you and your family a futuristic goose.
11:13So he's smiling again, and he gave his mouth in my line!
11:16So, I wasn't.
11:18Just carry on.
11:19Goose song!
11:21Goose song!
11:21Look at the tasty futuristic ease
11:25You can't afford a goose to eat
11:28Look at the tasty futuristic ease
11:31You can't afford a goose to eat
11:34It's no use, Dan.
11:35I'm going to have to leave them.
11:37Tasty futuristic geese
11:38You can't afford a goose to eat
11:41Oh, boy.
11:42Look at the tasty futuristic ease
11:45You can't afford a goose to eat
11:48Right, stop!
11:49Stop!
11:50Stop!
11:51Get the geese off!
11:55No, Ellen, not now.
11:58I'm well sad we're so poor.
12:00Morris, you're still smiling!
12:03No, Alan, not now.
12:08Oi, stop!
12:09What's that?
12:10He's got bionic legs.
12:12Yeah, he's not a fucking Nazi, though, is he?
12:15Morris, you're still smiling!
12:17What's smiling now, is he, sir?
12:21Alan, no!
12:23Dan, these girls really need me to leave them.
12:25They're just not qualified.
12:27Oh, Christ!
12:28What is wrong with you all?
12:30It's a bloody shambles!
12:32We are performing this tonight.
12:34Do you understand?
12:35Tonight!
12:36Look at my nose!
12:38Look at my fucking nose!
12:44Pick that goose up.
12:45Hey, Frank.
12:50Gifts?
12:51The kid's got me loads of stuff.
12:53Lovely mountain bar foam, toffee whiskey, loads of chocolates.
12:59Do you want one?
12:59Why not?
13:05That's weird.
13:06I didn't even know taboo did look yours.
13:08Joe, come here!
13:09Your nose looks sore.
13:21I think it's infected.
13:23I'm not sleeping, mate.
13:25My immunity's right down.
13:27And then I'm coming into this piss parade.
13:31It's coming together.
13:32It's fucked.
13:34If Emma sees this, that'll be the end of it.
13:36We got the snow machine, sir.
13:40Oh, my God.
13:41Seems like Nobby came up with the goods.
13:44Jesus Christ, where did he get it?
13:45It's Stalingrad.
13:47Something tells me we should not use this.
13:49I think this will make things worse.
13:51What?
13:51Shut up, Dan.
13:52It's a Christmas play.
13:53You've got to have a snow machine.
13:54Fire it up, Dennis.
14:03Well, it would appear my instincts were correct.
14:06Who wrote this shit?
14:16Screwed in space.
14:18Are you all right, Frank?
14:19I played in a fucking burning philharmonic.
14:25You pricks.
14:27Mr Fields-Williams, could I ask you to wait outside, please?
14:29Shut it.
14:30It's a seagull bite.
14:35What sort of queer egg is bitten by a seagull?
14:41Guys, I think Frank might be allergic to chocolate.
14:45Be quiet.
14:46Right.
14:47Think, think, think.
14:48Brian, please go and get him some coffee.
14:50Sober him up.
14:51I think we'll be okay.
14:52As long as Emma doesn't see any of this, I think we'll be all right.
14:54If we can just bring him round, this is saveable, right?
14:57Yeah.
14:59Dan, he's hot-wired the scenic.
15:02What?
15:02The freaky farm folk are in the boot.
15:04Come on, if we hurry, we might catch him.
15:12You see, you ridiculed me for having a tracker fitted to the scenic.
15:15Not so silly now, is it?
15:16Now he's got the time for your smuggery.
15:18Where is he?
15:18According to the GPS, he's at the Rosencrown on Wimpole.
15:22Worst case scenario of Don't Sack a pillar, my moves don't need you.
15:27Shut up, Joe.
15:29Did you do that side of the bar?
15:30It's not my job.
15:31I'm not doing it.
15:31If you want a drink, you're going to have to go somewhere else.
15:34We've closed early.
15:35Oh, no.
15:35We're looking for an old man.
15:36He smells like a hamster cage.
15:37He just left the disgusting old bastard.
15:39I'll thank you to calm down.
15:41Did he mention toys or a nicely maintained scenic?
15:43Yeah, he had a weird bag of animals.
15:45He kept trying to swap them for drink.
15:46He's found them.
15:47Never mind that.
15:49Did he look like he was up to playing the piano?
15:50He didn't look up to anything, mate.
15:52He lost it when I caught him trying to drink beer straight from the taps.
15:55And then...
15:55Paul, I'm telling you, I'm not cleaning that up.
15:59Oh, God.
16:01Yeah, that's human.
16:03He must be more allergic than before.
16:06I'm sorry about that.
16:08Do you know where he may have gone?
16:09For food, I would have thought.
16:11Yeah, he's going to be peckish.
16:16Right.
16:16So, where does a man with no money go for food?
16:26Yes, he has been here.
16:28He drank far more than his fair share of soup,
16:31then attempted to sell me a toy deer.
16:32Bastard!
16:34Sorry, Vicar.
16:34Out of control!
16:36That's not the worst of it, I'm afraid.
16:38When I declined, he took out his frustrations on one of our pastoral paintings.
16:42Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, it's all about you, isn't it?
16:45Where is he?
16:45He said he was going to have it with a hooker three times wrong.
16:48Stanley, please.
16:49Sorry, Vicar.
16:49He said he was going to have it with a hooker three times wrong.
16:54Right, so there's only one place in town he can get that.
16:56Sapphire Sauna.
16:57Guys, this cow's got a big old dick.
16:59Thanks for your help, Reverend.
17:00I'm sorry.
17:01I cannot permit you to leave until this painting has been cleaned.
17:05With respect.
17:06We're in a rush.
17:07I haven't got time to wash a cock and balls off a cow.
17:09I'm afraid I cannot permit you to leave until this matter is settled.
17:13Stand aside, Vicar.
17:14I shall not.
17:17Brian.
17:18Reverend, we have a play to put on,
17:21and that man has stolen my Renault Scenic and this year's must-have toys.
17:26Move.
17:27No.
17:28Brian.
17:30Move.
17:31Right.
17:32Brian, what are you doing?
17:35She's winning.
17:36Dan.
17:37Smack on the windpipe, Brian.
17:38Oh, my God.
17:39She's going for a Tyson.
17:43Oh!
17:50I'm sorry, Vicar.
17:51You backed us into a corner like rats.
17:53He had no choice but to take you out.
17:55Come on, Dan.
17:58In case you're wondering, this is a seagull pipe.
18:00Dan!
18:03Why would a drunk man want a massage?
18:05That is a weird place.
18:14There's no actual sauna, and the woman offered me a job.
18:17Massage is one of the few things I'm not actually qualified for.
18:19Joe, has he been there?
18:20Yes, I thought he had a great time.
18:22Your car's fine, Brian.
18:24Apart around the corner.
18:26Good old Frank!
18:27Yeah, the woman said he had a lovely massage.
18:29How did he pay for a massage?
18:30He hasn't got any money.
18:30He's got to massage for an owl.
18:33Motherfucker!
18:35Where is he now?
18:36Hospital.
18:37He got overexcited.
18:38Hospital.
18:39Hospital.
18:40Shit.
18:44I'm sorry, my dears.
18:47I've been such a nuisance.
18:49Please excuse me.
18:52Never mind, Frank.
18:5420 years I've been off the booze,
18:57so I got a bit carried away.
18:59I think this is yours.
19:04You keep it, Frank.
19:07Today was the most defiled,
19:12debauched and hedonistic day I've had in years.
19:16It was marvellous.
19:20There's just one thing I can't believe.
19:24I can't believe I...
19:30I can't believe I...
19:33Frank, what is it?
19:34What are you trying to say?
19:35I can't believe I...
19:38I did a shit behind the bar.
19:40Oh, great.
19:58Happy fucking Christmas.
20:06Are you sure we can't do it?
20:08It's a musical, Joe.
20:11Our piano player is dead.
20:13So, no.
20:14Well, I'll go and tell the robot Christmas geese, then.
20:21Never mind, Dan.
20:24You tried?
20:26I'll go and speak to Alan.
20:28Yeah.
20:29What's this I hear you're giving up?
20:39Your mother and I will be looking forward to the play.
20:41What the hell can I do?
20:43Daniel, life isn't easy.
20:46Give me musical score.
20:47What?
20:48Give me the music.
20:56Easy.
20:57Let's go.
20:57Don't question it.
20:59I'm doing it for Mr Field-Williams.
21:01You can be my page-turner.
21:11Get all your foil back on.
21:13It's happening.
21:13Ding-dong, bury the sky in heaven, the bells are ringing.
21:23Ding-dong, bury the skies, rip with angels singing.
21:29Ding-dong, bury the skies, rip with angels singing.
21:42Ding-dong, bury the skies, rip with angels singing.
21:50And go, Maury.
21:52Happy futuristic Christmas, everyone.
21:54That way. That way.
22:10That... was... really good.
22:19It was messy, but it was all right. I think Frank would have liked it.
22:23Yeah, he would. Thanks for my moon pig card, by the way.
22:28What?
22:34Fucker! After everything I've...
22:37Don't worry, I guessed it was one of your dad's scares.
22:40Ah.
22:43You do like the kids, don't you? Admit it.
22:48You are a strangely likeable idiot, Dan Davis.
22:53Am I? Let's go for a drink, then.
22:56I know a pub that's... Yep, I can pretty much guarantee it's empty.
23:00Maybe another time. But happy Christmas, eh?
23:04Happy Christmas.
23:16Alan, for fuck's sake!
23:18So, should we have a drink for a drink?
23:20Look at the tasty futurosty keys,
23:23you can afford a good steak BBQ.
23:27Look at the tasty...
23:29...futurisy keys,
23:30you can afford a good steak...
23:32Look at the tasty...
23:33...futurisy keys,
23:35you can afford a good steak!
23:37Look at the tasty...
23:39It's tasty.
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