- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you so much.
00:06It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure.
00:07I don't know I would have managed all this without you.
00:09Like I say ad infinitum these days, I just want to try and help.
00:14Change the bloody record, Andrew!
00:16No, no, don't ever change the record. You're a wonder.
00:19Like the son we never had. Not that we ever wished Alison had been a boy.
00:23Well, we did a bit.
00:24Now, come on.
00:25We thought when Alison married Stephen, he might be the son we never had.
00:29But he wasn't really son. We never had material.
00:32Handshade like a Victorian doll.
00:34Not like you, bloody action man.
00:37Not to be impolite, but he's a cack-handed Herbert.
00:40You know, I feel I ought to stand up for Stephen and Alison.
00:42They're both fine, caring people.
00:45And Alison loves you very much.
00:47Oh, that's just the kind of goodness we've always come to expect from you.
00:51We've never been happier.
00:52No.
00:53That's down to you.
00:54You've given us a jolly good shake.
00:56A wokeness from a troubled dream.
00:58I'm truly humbled, guys.
01:01But I didn't do this.
01:03You did this.
01:03This is your decision.
01:07We should call Alison.
01:13We probably should, yes.
01:14We should remain bright and sunny for the rest of the week.
01:25And we'll have Tim with a traffic update after this.
01:28We should go to our show for you.
01:29I don't know.
01:30We should eat the ship.
01:30There's aìš” Story.
01:30And we should just keep moving.
01:32We'll be.
01:33Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo- долларов.
01:35And we should stop here for the rest of the Struggle chapter.
01:35I don't know what to do.
02:05here what's up mate fuck me my husband has fucked me luca no i never want to hear that name again
02:17consider him a doctor jeff when you say he's fucked you fuck me over i mean over in the
02:22fucking clover he's straight i'm straight but he's straight up fuck me one of everything mike
02:29i'm gonna drink like it's a job and not stop till i piss blood so what happened jeff with man x he's
02:37stolen my savings and online auctioned all my farm machinery he got grants to regreen my land
02:47and then bought himself a fucking audi i married him so he could stay in this country turns out
02:55he's already got settled status oh he's made a sham of our fake marriage you didn't even suspect
03:04what he was up to i trust too much i'm too fucking nice is my problem yeah yeah way too nice i need
03:14to drink to forget and then when i've forgotten i need to drink till i remember again and then drink
03:20till i forget why i'm remembering to drink to forget
03:24that'll be 57 60 jeff i'll set up a tab
03:31hi yes you you asked me to no i'm really not happy to be popped on hold again for
03:44i'm on hold do you have to do this now i was on hold for over an hour and then it's suddenly
03:50disconnected now it's taking me 35 minutes to get to a human being i'm on the cusp of sorting out my
03:56unusual card activity i can't hang up could you turn your music down it's not music i mean it is music
04:04but it's hold music vivaldi now it was zoomed by fat larry's band a while ago whatever it is could
04:11turn it down my cat's distressed well my dog's about to be executed so you know don't say that
04:17in front of maureen sorry sorry maureen she's had a good life no she hasn't she's had a grim life of
04:26misery and illness sure but you've given her the best life she could have had what was it that alfred
04:34lord tennyson said hiya hi there yes happy to go through my transactions yes i i will have got
04:41something online at boots i do that a lot was it 3.99 yes i know what that is she's feeling very warm
04:50that'll be the pink blanket no i haven't bought a pink blanket my doomed dog is in one
04:55no no i'm i'm saying there's no blanket of any color no no she's popped me on hold
05:06sorry everyone his facebook profile's gone it doesn't exist he'll have gone dark jeff rogue fake
05:16id maybe a bit of cosmetic i know here it is and his insta but he's not been on there for days you
05:23remember my late lily's necklace the one i bought her for our 10th anniversary oh jeff no i pawned that
05:31a couple of months ago for betting money and luca's nicked the cash he's a monster you should go to
05:37the police jeff i married him illegally they'll prosecute me plus i don't want coppers on my land
05:43the barn's a death trap and i've got a couple of skunk plants in my polytunnels i heard about luca
05:48i suppose i should confess now we were seeing each other luca and i me and luca seeing each other
05:55yes more specifically seeing each other in the nude my own niece slept with my husband that's incest
06:05i'm sorry we couldn't help ourselves well we could but we didn't want to oh well it's a lesson learned
06:13never trust anyone don't keep cash in an old tea caddy don't marry men for visa reasons use a stronger
06:23password for online banking a number of lessons in actual facts
06:29yes
06:37yes
06:38good girl
06:45be very swift she won't feel a thing okay she's been suffering a lot you're making exactly the right
06:53decision thank you that's very comforting to hear oh dear goodbye maury hi no no no i haven't bought
07:08a meal deal from cordano services or any petrol no
07:14yes i did rent the film herbie goes bananas from sky
07:31well massive congratulations who doesn't love a wedding joyful news it's weird but great but
07:40weird if i objected would it make any difference not really terrific we would love to have your
07:46blessing though dad hasn't been dead very long it's been nine months a lot can happen in nine months
07:53look i don't want to seem old-fashioned then don't it's not the olden days steven it's nowadays and
07:59soon it'll be the future exactly what does that mean why delay happiness when it's right in front of you
08:04ellen mom deserves to be happy more than anyone and julian can make her happy i know he can thank
08:11you andrew who cares what you think i do that's why i asked him here andrew is like a son to me
08:18he's not your son it's true i'm not i'm no one's son and i've learned to be okay with that
08:26why are people so obsessed with change just leave things as they are for five
08:37fucking minutes ellen and julian are quite simply moving on with their lives that's precisely what
08:42i don't like about it i can see your point steven but also you have had the same haircut since you
08:46were eight it works well i'm off to the barleycorn raise a glass to the happy couple welcome to come
08:51you knew about this didn't you about the wedding did i did you did i fuck off why are you so calm
08:59about this the family's breaking up the precious family that you've so charmingly infiltrated i've
09:05embraced change steven i've had to and things usually work out for me in the end drink stick it up your ass
09:21love we've been trying to call you my phone was off maureen was being put to sleep oh al i'm i'm so
09:48sorry why didn't you leave a message um uh the message we have is not really a message sort of
09:55message what's going on the house is on the market where are you going i'm going to be saying locally
10:01so not really going anywhere but i am what dad and i are getting a divorce
10:09oh i expect it's come as a bit of a shock you're happy together well we thought we were but it turns
10:16out we're not it's the little things that build up yes i've always wanted to experience dresden well
10:22i couldn't give two shits but this is ridiculous you love each other you've been together forever i mean
10:28everyone says what a perfect couple you are you're not single people you're you're a unit andrew said you
10:34might react like this andrew he's ignited something in us both suddenly everything makes sense we were
10:41just pootling along both wanting things we weren't able to have but too polite to say anything and
10:47now we're so excited about our new lives everything feels fresh he told me i had a waist and he
10:53understands how desperately i want to go on cruises and visit every country in the world and eat spicy
10:59food sorry i i just the mum will stay here i want to go out to work and andrew suggested stop saying
11:06andrew he predicted this entire reaction he's a smart guy canny fella he's at kew gardens oh yes um
11:15andrew took us there i don't think we've laughed as much in 14 years but we always go there together
11:20as a unit well i know but we did ask you but you're always so busy and so when andrew can't believe
11:37mum's getting married i can't believe mum's getting divorced which is worse divorce you prick divorce is
11:45worse than marriage although sometimes when people divorce that they actually become closer than when
11:49they were married like like us mum said andrew was like the son she never had so did my mum he told
11:57us she had a waist andrew told my mom she had a waist why did he get points for that did he also tell
12:03her she has feet and he indulged dad's lurid michael palin fantasies to travel dad wants to be phileas fogg
12:13take the gap year he never had and roam the globe like some nutty old tramp i mean it doesn't make
12:20sense it does he's replacing my mum with your mum he knows my mum's going to tring so he's getting your
12:29dad out of the picture so he can have a mum he never had a mum so he steals other people's he's a
12:35mother collector he's on a mum safari well he's not adding my mother to his trophy collection andrew has
12:41bitten off more than he can chew and it's going to choke him and if it doesn't choke him i'll set
12:46fire to his balls wow okay that that honestly took a turn i wasn't expecting
12:56yeah it makes total sense for stephen to give you away only only
13:01well he is quite hostile to julian and maybe i mean stop me if this is crackers but would it
13:11maybe be an olive branch julian if you asked him to be your best man
13:18possibly i would prefer a very quiet stagnite but who would walk me down the aisle oh andrew i don't
13:27suppose you would me oh no no no i'm not family oh but you are i've got news i am with child
13:37pregnant by my uncle jeff jeff no luca he's the father of my unborn baby and when it's born my
13:44born baby are you absolutely sure yes i've done a test it was negative but a mother knows but aren't those
13:51tests 99 accurate well i'm in the one percent i mean look at me i'm glowing my bosoms are surging
13:58i can feel them lovely it could be a grandmother mom julian i step something once removed or something
14:06grandfather andrew you're going to be a foster uncle buongiorno bambino that's hello baby in italian
14:15he's bilingual what about your university plans i'm going to get a routine essay feeding nappy lecture
14:22and sometimes the baby will be asleep or staring after mobile and smiling like in adverts and my
14:27uni mates can help raise it like in indigenous tribes or the occupy movement right but maybe breastfeeding
14:34in a lecture wouldn't really work how do you write notes record them but you might just hear suckling
14:40rather than the lecturer i'll probably get that sore nipple thing mad ankles actually having thought
14:46about it quite deeply i think i'm probably not pregnant those tests are 99 accurate are they
14:54right i must have left my wallet on the table when i went to the loo luca will have had it cloned the card
15:04that was him having a meal deal at gordon services why go for a deal if it's not your money he could
15:11have had any sandwich there yeah but sometimes the meal deal sandwiches are the best ones so you find
15:16yourself tied into a deal without really thinking about it well thanks for lending me the money to pay
15:20for maureen it's a secret account luca didn't know about money from that compensation i got when i
15:26pretended to have whiplash and hear voices how are you feeling i suppose i feel like i've actually got
15:32whiplash from luca running off bruise sore and don't want to look behind me i'm gonna have to sell
15:38the farm i think really yeah still everyone's moving on your mum's getting married and going to tring
15:46castle end up at university not much to stay here for i'm still here jeff oh no obviously that's a
15:53given i mean you're a fixture screwed to the floor like a table in the 70s button
16:05hi um i'm here to pick up some ashes name maureen surname oh you meant my name yes did
16:14you really think i was called maureen i don't judge my name is stephen nichols the late dog is maureen
16:20that will be 120 pounds for the procedure and 159 pounds for the cremation jesus and the urn will
16:29be 66 pounds can i get a cheaper urn no oh the vets put a note on maureen's post-mortem report saying
16:37there were small traces of rat poison in her system oh okay dogs will eat anything we had a dog in here
16:45last week the effort i'll go fetch that urn
16:57don't come too close rat traps what the have you done to my parents oh you've seen them and we spoke
17:02on the phone just now they said you told them they shouldn't have any regrets and they shouldn't
17:07my dad wants to go to micronesia and just stop shaving he says he feels neutered and he's fed up
17:13with semi-skim milk and he wants to watch a john wick movie at the imax and wendy has felt trapped
17:18and diminished for years they weren't happy and now they're very happy they were happy they just
17:23didn't show it because they both went to a grammar school look this was always going to happen you
17:26can't put a cork in a volcano i've just helped them give voice to their feelings i've been a
17:31facilitator but they've workshopped their own future you took them to queue fucking gardens only
17:37because you couldn't they asked but you were understandably so busy look alison we both want
17:42the same things for them right happiness fulfillment independence my mum is not your mum yes i'm aware
17:48of that the last time i saw my mom i was 10 and about to be taken back into care look i'm just trying
17:53to help your mum out that's all you've underestimated me andrew oh i can never underestimate you alison
18:00you're the smartest person around here i am i mean i don't want to be arrogant but i am very clever
18:06and i'm on to you
18:11my mum tells me she's got a job do you know where she's going to be working yeah here and when she
18:17says she'll be staying locally there's a room at the barleycorn if she needs it or she might decide
18:22on a little flat in town like i say it's all her decision oh of course he poisoned maureen the
18:34barleycorn traps have always been snap traps there's a lot of local cats so there's never ever been any
18:39poison put down but do you think oh come on how much of a coincidence is it that maureen has rat
18:46poison in her and then i see andrew laying rat traps do we think andrew would deliberately kill
18:51a dog we do he would kill a dog and fuck a cat and eat a rat all before homes under the hammer started
18:59i mean poor maureen she never stood a chance against that sick fucker but why because he set
19:04his sights on me he is destroying everything i love my mum working as a barmaid i mean i don't want to
19:11sound like a snob but fuck it all to hell well with my mum off to past your string with the reverend
19:17hot pants there's a mum shaped hole at the pub this actually feels weirdly good that finally
19:24someone else truly and fully sees what andrew's capable of oh i can see it all right up to now i
19:30felt like the boy in the fairy tale who can see that the emperor's naked and he's whacking people
19:35in the eyes with his cock let's kill him bury his head at land's end and his body at john a groats
19:43what do you think hire a hitman um or or we could fake an accident too much to drink handbrake off over a
19:53cliff yeah we should definitely murder andrew
19:59it's what maureen would have wanted
20:12jeff mike and i have been talking about lots of things pasties how you can't get wellies in half
20:19sizes what tombola means why don't dad's whistle anymore and about you
20:29jeff when you sell the farm we don't like to think of you having to move away
20:34so would you like to move in with us and we've got a spare room
20:41no oh that's very kind but i sort of like the idea of getting away this place can cramp you keep
20:49you down hobble you just look at stephen yeah tragic and you guys i know
20:59yeah we can do it kill him i mean who would he has our mums they love him oh they're under his
21:10spell he's like a oh what's he like a warlock warlock no he's not like a fucking warlock whatever
21:17he is he needs to be stopped you and me like bonnie and clyde can i be clyde i mean in terms of the
21:25energy you're obviously clyde but for my own masculine pride are you in this with me i need you in this
21:32with me i am i bloody am yes let's kill the motherfucker the eyes have it
21:39hand it up my teeth
21:57you awake you know what citalopram
22:03search alene they can go get fucked i just needed to have sex
22:13and i'm cured i found her
22:18who andrew's birth mum i found her how got access to databases i maybe shouldn't have access to
22:26called in favors offered favors eight hours of clicking and i think i found her
22:33just don't want to kill him bonnie no clyde worse than killing him i want to
22:40fuck his head up completely via his mum we're not doormats anymore me and you
22:45we are the dirty boots on the doormat i'm gonna fuck his mom and you're gonna watch
22:50watch this is brilliant do you want more sex yes i do i do want more sex thank you
23:00have you ever made love to a beautiful girl made you feel like it's not such a bad world
23:06hey hey man now you're really living now you're really giving everything
23:13and you're really getting on the occasion now you're really living what this life is all about
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