- 2 days ago
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00:00Morning Geoff. Off to a wedding?
00:05Just been to one, Jan.
00:07Who?
00:08Me.
00:09Jan meant who was getting married.
00:10Me.
00:11Bloody hell, Geoff.
00:13He kept this quiet. Who's the lucky lady?
00:15Luca, the Italian bloke, has been working on my farm.
00:18Sexy Luca.
00:20Not that I've noticed.
00:21That's great Geoff. I didn't know you were...
00:23It's a visa thing. We're not lovers.
00:26They were going to deport him.
00:28Easiest way to keep him here. It helps him, it helps me.
00:31It fucks the home office. Win, win, win.
00:34Ciao, ragazzi. Ciao.
00:36What are you having, husband mine?
00:38Double Jack Daniels, please, Geoff.
00:40You will need to be driving the horse box later, mate, so...
00:43OK, strong lagers, then.
00:45Two very strong lagers, please, Jan, for me and my new husband.
00:48Coming right up. Congratulations.
00:50I feel quite emotional.
00:52It's a fake wedding, Jan.
00:53Yeah, I know, but still...
00:55We're still going to have a celebration, haven't we?
00:57A few sandwiches, some kava, mini Scotch eggs.
01:00Sure.
01:01Magic.
01:02I am not one of those awful mothers who insists her children be normal.
01:14That's simply not me.
01:16That's simply not you at all, Ellen.
01:18Stephen's become a lot more normal recently, hasn't he?
01:21He's the most normal I've ever seen him.
01:23He's almost normal normal, like a normal person would be.
01:27Good, great.
01:28I mean, he doesn't have to be normal, of course he doesn't.
01:30It's just really, really terrific that he is.
01:34Here's to normal children.
01:36How many spare tagines have we got?
01:38We don't have any tagines at all, I don't think, love.
01:41Oh, fucking hell.
01:43Big city Christ!
01:44Cass.
01:45Why do you want a tagine, Cass?
01:47You can't be in a shared student house without a tagine.
01:50Everybody will have a tagine.
01:51And a poster of The Kiss by Gustav Klimt.
01:53And a toastie maker and incense sticks.
01:55And a notepad on the door with a pen to write funny messages.
01:58Cool for you!
01:59Where are you?
02:00We're in the pub getting wrecked!
02:01I still don't know why you want to live in a shared house, sweetheart.
02:04You're only doing a part-time A-level course.
02:06I think I know.
02:08Oh, do you?
02:09Did Jesus tell you?
02:10No, he didn't.
02:11Because he's actually just a Jewish revolutionary.
02:13Cass, we know you're an atheist, love, and that's great.
02:16You don't have to keep on telling us.
02:17I think you want to get away because you feel cramped.
02:20I'm living here now, and Stephen's back, and you crave your own space.
02:24You think that, do you?
02:25Yes, I do.
02:27Well, that is precisely how I feel, but it might not have been.
02:30I just want the full student experience.
02:32That's who I am.
02:33I've realised I am a student.
02:35Soak me with knowledge, for I am kitchen roll.
02:40Phew!
02:41Hi, sweetheart.
02:42Half hour this morning.
02:43Oh, just under 16K?
02:45Wow!
02:46The endorphins are racing around my body like...
02:49I don't know, ants in tiny cars.
02:52Time for a shower and a big bowl of porridge.
02:55I'm going to buy tagine.
02:57Brilliant.
03:06Happy fake wedding, Geoff?
03:08Thanks, Stephen.
03:09Drink?
03:10I've got a fizzy water, thanks.
03:11Right, I forgot you're Captain Fitness now.
03:14I'm not sure about Captain.
03:15Maybe Second Lieutenant Fitness.
03:17You look well on it.
03:19Your mum was worried you might relapse with all that business about who your dad was.
03:24I've got the fitness bug instead.
03:26I should actually go and do a quick 10K now.
03:29Don't cycle too hard, and stay off the fucking pavements.
03:32See you later.
03:33Excuse me.
03:34How's married life treating you?
03:35You know, it's good to know I can stay here.
03:36Hmm.
03:37So, you'd have been deported back to Italy if you hadn't married Geoff?
03:38Yes.
03:39All this Brexit shit.
03:40I know.
03:41Wouldn't you have had right of permanent residency anyway?
03:42No, I haven't been here five years.
03:43Only four.
03:44I thought the other day I heard you say you were here for the London Olympics.
03:57Hmm.
03:58You understand?
03:59Yeah.
04:00Yeah.
04:01Yeah.
04:02Yeah.
04:03Yeah.
04:04Yeah.
04:05Yeah.
04:06Yeah.
04:07Yeah.
04:08Yeah.
04:09Yeah.
04:10Yeah.
04:11Yeah.
04:12You understand each other, huh?
04:15You and me.
04:16We are very similar.
04:19I'm not sure we are.
04:20We are.
04:21We are.
04:22And what we are doing here, with these people, we are like two, as the saying goes.
04:30Piece.
04:32In a pot.
04:34What?
04:35The saying is, two peas in a pod.
04:37Pot.
04:38Pot.
04:39Pot.
04:40be only two peas in a pot. This is the waste of a pot. Pot? See, we don't understand each
04:44other at all. Oh, we do understand each other, my friend. Like two peas boiling together
04:49in the pot. Fuck.
04:52Hawthorne Cherry Tree, phone box, road sign. Right. Hedge Vodka. The best vodka.
05:22Tring. Tring. Tring? Tring. But it's not written in stone. Neither were the Ten Commandments.
05:32That's all bullshit. It might be that Julian will be transferred to a new parish near Tring.
05:39And would you go too, Alan, to Tring? Yes, I think I would. Okay. It's a big decision,
05:46though. Tenure there would be at least ten years. Right. Excuse me. Where is Tring?
05:54It's Scotland, isn't it? Come ye back to Bonnie Tring. I thought it was an isle, off the Kent
05:59Coast. Isle of Tring. It sounds Cornish to me. Or Devon. Actually, isn't it a forest?
06:05The forest of Tring. Tring Forest. It's in Hertfordshire. That's not ringing any bells.
06:09No, really. Tring is in Hertfordshire. Are you sure? Sounds more like Scotland to me.
06:14Tring Golf Course. Tring Distillery. I know where it is, Jan. I looked it up when
06:18I was asked about moving there. Okay. Maybe you two can compromise and say it's in the
06:23Midlands. Great, yeah. Works for me. No, that's lunacy. It's in Hertfordshire. It's
06:27on bloody mass. Hi, Vicar. Steady on. It really is.
06:31Thank you. I'm fooling you, idiot robot monitor. You think this is activity. Gullible twat watch.
06:49Geoff, could I talk candidly to you? In a sexual way? No. Great. Go ahead. All this.
07:04How well do you know Luca? Pretty well. We spend a lot of time together. We like to watch
07:09episodes of Kavanagh QC on VHS. Right.
07:12And old spring watches, too. The Bill Oddy years. Pre-9-11. You can watch a wren building
07:19its nest, oblivious to the coming chaos. Still feeling the ripples now, aren't we? I mean,
07:26the wren isn't. They only live seven years. What's that in dog years? Can you mix them
07:32up? Or is it like metres and yards? Although a metre is roughly a year, isn't it? Sorry,
07:39where was I? Bill Oddy and the attack on the World Trade Centre. I wasn't implying Bill
07:44was involved. So, Luca? Yeah. You trust him? As much as I trust any man. Why? I just get
07:52a vibe from him. I'm not saying he is, but I can spot a grifter. Oh, yeah? You meet a lot
07:58in care. People who take advantage of others to advance themselves. I'm grateful for your
08:04intervention, Andrew, but fuck off. I trust Luca. He's my Kavanagh buddy and my lawful
08:10wedded husband. Now, if you'll excuse me, my vast prostate is tapping me on the bladder.
08:19I really like Jeff. I mean, he's a bit bluff sometimes, but...
08:23At Halloween, he wires his door knocker to a car battery.
08:27That's just him trying to be spooky. At heart, he's a good man.
08:30Well, I mean, I can certainly do some checks. Land registry, etc. See what Jeff owns, what
08:36Luca might get in the event of a divorce. But it will take a while.
08:40I'll pay. Oh, no. No, it's Jeff. He's sort of family.
08:43No, I insist. It's your professional time. I wouldn't dream of asking someone of your
08:46calibre to work for free.
08:49Well, poor Maureen's vet bills have been pretty eye-watering lately.
08:52What's wrong with her? Absolutely everything.
08:55I've heard that can be tough to treat.
08:57I'll find out what I can. See if Luca is on the level.
09:03I just don't like the idea of older people being taken advantage of.
09:05This is a really studenty area. It's like a kind of Greenwich village. Ideas and art and music and politics and to jeans and dope and fucking...
09:28All the main post-enlightenment advances.
09:30Yeah, I'm going to need to be pretty bloody sharp to join in.
09:33I'm reading on the road. The Jack Kerouac one, not the DVLA booklet about your theory test.
09:39He sure is a student house.
09:41Well, the landlord says it's mostly students in these houses.
09:44Right. Just not necessarily this particular one.
09:47Hi.
09:48Hi. Hello, I'm Cass.
09:51Sally.
09:52Hi, Sally. Come in. Come in, come in, come in.
09:55Do you want a tea? Where's the kettle? No idea in all this craziness.
09:59It'll be in one of these two boxes.
10:01Oh, no, I'm fine. Don't worry about the tea.
10:03When did you move in?
10:04This is it.
10:05Literally just minutes ago.
10:06I'm about to unpack. To jeans, etc.
10:09Got these couple of dudes helping.
10:11We might have a smoke in a bit. And I don't mean tobacco.
10:14Right. I was just...
10:15I mean cannabis.
10:16I was just calling to say hello.
10:19You'll probably see me around maybe a couple of times a day.
10:21What are you studying?
10:23I'm not. I'm Mrs. Walsh's carer.
10:25She's in the room on the ground floor.
10:27Emergency housing. Her old place wasn't fit to live in.
10:30How old is she?
10:31She's 89. Not doing very well, sadly, but still fairly independent.
10:35So, who else lives here?
10:37Well, there's Tom on the first floor.
10:39He's going through a divorce right now.
10:40He cries a lot. You can hear him crying most of the time.
10:45There we go. Then there's Sean.
10:48A tiny man with a big set of conga drums who never speaks.
10:51And Katie. Primary school teacher.
10:54Okay. She sounds nice.
10:55She's really not.
10:58I might organise a dinner party.
10:59Fucker.
11:20Someone's had it.
11:26My auxiliary hedge vodka.
11:42You look cross.
11:43What's up?
11:44Nothing.
11:44I'm absolutely fine.
11:46I'm cycling, which I love, and I'm sober, which is brilliant.
11:50Are you going to work?
11:51I thought you took Friday's off.
11:52Yeah, I'm going to see what I can find out about Geoff's properties.
11:55Why?
11:57Andrew thinks Luca might be trying to scam Geoff.
12:01Andrew?
12:02I know.
12:03Andrew's worried about scamming.
12:05Sorry, my mind just turned into an Escher staircase.
12:07Andrew thinks something's up.
12:09I guess it takes a fucker to catch a fucker.
12:11Yeah, well, he's paid me to find out if this fucker is fucking Geoff.
12:15Okay, but it feels uncomfortable and weird.
12:17Like when there's a teenager on Countdown.
12:19Oh, is it tonight, Jess?
12:39Cass.
12:40Oh, sorry.
12:41It's okay.
12:42Jess, Cass, they're just labels.
12:43It is tonight, Tom.
12:45Entree.
12:45I've got your note under the door.
12:46Bring some food.
12:47Bring your stories.
12:48Bring your humanity.
12:49That's the one, yeah, yeah.
12:50And there was a drawing of two tadpoles having sex.
12:52That's the yin-yang simple.
12:54Oh, right.
12:55Sorry.
12:55I thought that we could get together as a house and shoot the shit about politics and
13:00life and theology and Love Island.
13:03Serious and silly, you know?
13:04I don't have a TV.
13:06And I don't really pay much attention to politics.
13:09They're all the same at the end of the day, aren't they?
13:11I've made two tagines, lamb for the carnivore, mushroom for the vegans, and I've made hummus,
13:17courgette kofta, flatbreads and tabbouleh.
13:20Brought some pop chips.
13:22Great!
13:24Yum!
13:24Oh, also, I've bought you some whisky.
13:27Is it OK if just I had that?
13:28No, sure.
13:30I invited the conga guy, but...
13:31Oh, he won't come.
13:32He just lives for his congas.
13:33Yeah, I asked Mrs Walsh if she'd like to come, or we could go and visit her.
13:37Who the fuck do you think you are, putting a note under my door?
13:40I'm sorry?
13:42Answer my fucking question.
13:45Who the fuck do you think you are?
13:47My name's Cass.
13:49You slide another note under my door, Cass, and I will finish you.
14:01Is she the primary school teacher?
14:02Yeah.
14:03I think she gets stressed by all the marking.
14:05Tugine?
14:08No, I'm fine with my pop chips, thanks.
14:10Oh, hi, Sally!
14:11Mrs Walsh on her way?
14:13Oh, sorry, I thought you knew.
14:16Mrs Walsh passed away last night.
14:17Oh, no!
14:18Yeah, I thought you might have heard the commotion.
14:20No, I wear earplugs because of the congas and the...
14:23My weeping?
14:25Yeah.
14:26Oh, no.
14:26She had a fall, the ambulance was called, she was taken into St Agnes,
14:29and her poor old heart just gave up.
14:31Oh, dear, are you OK?
14:32Do you want some tugine?
14:33Oh, God, you know what I would love?
14:35Some tugine.
14:36Thank you, Cass.
14:37No, thank you, Sally.
14:39Sit down.
14:51Hi, Mum.
14:52Hi, love.
14:54Are you working?
14:55Oh, yeah, confidential Jeff stuff.
14:58Oh, I thought so.
14:59It went fine, so no worries, I'm heading home in a bit.
15:02Sorry, what went fine?
15:04The hospital appointment.
15:06The test for my, you know, procedure.
15:09Oh, God, I was meant to drive you there and stay with you, wasn't I?
15:12Oh, shit, my tits, I'm so sorry.
15:14Listen, I'll come and take you home.
15:16No, no, it's fine.
15:17A friend took me, waited around, and they'll bring me back.
15:20I'm so sorry.
15:21Oh, don't be silly.
15:22You're the one who's working.
15:24I'm just swanning around, being a burden on the NHS.
15:28OK, see you, Mum.
15:30Bye, love.
15:30I haven't had this much fun in ages.
15:40We are having fun, aren't we?
15:42We are.
15:43I might start crying again in a moment, if that's OK.
15:45Oh, of course.
15:46Cry away, Tom, we don't mind.
15:48Crying is the debt one owes to laughter.
15:50Who said that?
15:51It's from a poem I wrote about clowns when I was 22.
15:55It's very profound.
15:56The lamb tagine is lovely, Cass.
15:58It all is, and the pop tips.
16:01Thanks.
16:02Tagines are just great, aren't they?
16:03My mum has at least five different tagines she uses.
16:06My mum, too.
16:07She's tagine crazy.
16:08Too many tagines.
16:11This is almost exactly how I picture being a student would be.
16:17Come, Mr.
16:20Thanks.
16:21I love tips.
16:24And I've got a friend, Sally.
16:26She's not a student, but she acts like one.
16:28And I loved History of Art Session 3 so much
16:30that I'm going to sign up for more A-levels
16:32and apply to uni, be a proper student.
16:35Wow.
16:35You're moving on.
16:37Yeah, I think mum's finally ready to fly the nest.
16:39Bless her.
16:40I've done what I can.
16:42Trings the trigger.
16:43New lives all round.
16:44I don't know why anyone wants to go to university.
16:47The fees.
16:48You're 60 grand in debt before you know it.
16:50Well, it's a springboard, isn't it?
16:52And a step ladder.
16:54I mean, not at the same time.
16:55That would be a death trap.
16:56Knowledge and learning are wonderful things.
16:59Times change, though, Cass.
17:00We've all got access to Wikipedia now.
17:03Ask me anything.
17:04What's the smallest duck in the world?
17:06What's the biggest duck in the world?
17:08Hairiest baby.
17:10Who invented skirt leads?
17:12Love skirt.
17:13Solid.
17:13Like stickle bricks.
17:14No fucking about.
17:16Hey.
17:17Ah.
17:18Hey.
17:18My husband still feels weird to say it.
17:22Well, it is weird, Geoff.
17:22You're two heterosexual men married for immigration purposes.
17:25Yeah, fair enough, I suppose.
17:27Hey, Geoff.
17:28I looked into the government's rewilding programme.
17:31Oh, yeah?
17:32Interesting.
17:32Government pays you not to farm.
17:35To let nature take its course and encourage endangered wildlife,
17:38like deer, pine martens, wild boar.
17:41Right.
17:42All them cunts got you.
17:43It pays you really well.
17:44And we can sell off all of our machinery and vehicles.
17:48Great.
17:49Sounds perfect.
17:50Can you sort out the admin and paperwork and whatnot?
17:53Does my head in.
17:54Sure.
17:54Leave it with me.
17:58The rinse aid guy's just been...
18:00Brilliant.
18:01You're for a cycle?
18:02Yes, Poirot, I am.
18:04Have a good one.
18:14Is it you?
18:18You look debaunched.
18:26Or is it you?
18:29You enormously furtive man.
18:32You're for a cycle.
18:59Ha!
19:01Ha! Caught you? That's rinse aid, you sweaty, pissing fuck.
19:05You're drinking rinse aid.
19:07Enjoy your shiny shits, you thieving fucking dog.
19:11What have you done?
19:12I've protected my property, as is my right in common law as an Englishman.
19:17You're insane.
19:18No, I'm reliant on alcohol, trying to disguise that fat from my family,
19:22and you've stolen my only source of the drug to which I'm addicted.
19:26That's sane as balls.
19:28Hang on, you stay there. I'm calling the police.
19:30You've tried to poison me.
19:32No, I didn't.
19:33I'm an eccentric man who, as well as vodka, leaves his rinse aid in bushes,
19:37so he's always got some spare.
19:39You poisoned yourself!
19:41You keep bottles of vodka hidden in hedges?
19:45Sure.
19:45Oh, Stephen.
19:46It's no big deal. It's just some hedge vodka.
19:49I suddenly realise now I say it that the words hedge vodka don't sound great,
19:54so let's just call it outdoor vodka.
19:56Alright, for some reason that doesn't sound good either.
19:59Normal vodka.
20:00Okay, not that. Vodka.
20:02Let's just imagine I'd said vodka.
20:04Although, now even vodka doesn't sound great.
20:07I really thought you'd kick the booze, Stephen.
20:09Look, I don't like my brain.
20:11I want it to feel different.
20:12I only drink because it's the easiest way to do that.
20:15If they did yoghurt with morphine in it, I'd have that instead.
20:19I'm a victim of other people's lack of imagination.
20:22Full name, please, sir.
20:23He was drinking the hedge vodka too.
20:25Joggy Johnson there.
20:26Why am I the only freak?
20:28Name, please.
20:30Sir.
20:32Stephen Richard Nichols.
20:34I thought he was normal again.
20:40I thought he'd turned a corner, but he'd turned two more corners and ended up back where he started.
20:45Maybe Tring is the answer.
20:48If I go away with you to wherever Tring is...
20:50Hertfordshire.
20:51And Cass goes away to study.
20:53And maybe if Jeff gets his rewilding money and moves away, then perhaps Stephen will find some get-up-and-go.
21:00And she said he actually looked like a bald Iris Murdoch.
21:04Wow.
21:05That's a powerful look.
21:07You don't have to pretend you weren't talking about me.
21:10I've disappointed you, I know.
21:12I'm not disappointed.
21:13I'm concerned for you, for your health.
21:16You should maybe get some help.
21:18I got help, remember?
21:19It didn't help.
21:21I'll find a way through.
21:23Don't worry about me.
21:25Okay, fine.
21:26You won't worry.
21:29Post.
21:35It is just milk.
21:36Good.
21:37That's a blessing.
21:40He's not getting miniatures sent in a jiffy bag, is he?
21:48So, all still in Jeff's name?
21:50Seemingly.
21:51Farm, farmhouse.
21:53He rents an extra field, but all in his sole name.
21:56Luca not mentioned.
21:57Mm-hmm.
21:58I still don't trust him.
22:00Something's going on.
22:01What makes you so sure?
22:04Look, I'm not stupid.
22:05I know what Stephen thinks of me, and what you think of me.
22:09Bottom line is, I know what a liar looks like, because sometimes, to survive, in care and beyond, I've lied.
22:20Okay.
22:22What about?
22:23Nothing big.
22:25Maybe I've finessed a past job to make it seem more important than it was.
22:29My point is, I can spot a liar a mile off.
22:33And Luca's a liar.
22:34Okay, well, I appreciate your honesty about the lying.
22:40I appreciate your appreciation.
22:43No lie.
22:44Well, look, I, uh, I should head off.
22:47Oh, um, Wendy dropped this in my car last Friday.
22:50Um, didn't know if she needed it.
22:52Mum?
22:52Yeah, she called to ask if I'd take her out to the hospital.
22:55You were working.
22:56On the Jeff thing that you asked me to work on.
22:59I hope you don't mind.
23:01No.
23:02No, thanks for doing it.
23:04I'm not imposing or anything.
23:06No.
23:07Not at all.
23:08Great.
23:09She's a lovely woman.
23:10I bet she's a great mum.
23:12She is my mum.
23:16My lovely mum.
23:17She's a great mum.
23:47I, uh, I really, uh.
23:48That was okay.
23:49I'm happy.
23:49You weren't, uh.
23:50Could you drink or tea please?
23:52Yeah.
23:52I'm happy.
23:53We'll sit with you again.
23:54No.
23:54Thank you again.
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