- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Stephen, I've got some good news.
00:07Am I in a coma after all? Thank Christ for that.
00:10Do feel free to switch off the machine.
00:12I've talked to the police about what happened with the Hedge Vodka.
00:16Maybe just call it vodka.
00:17No, the Hedge Vodka. The secret vodka you kept hidden in Hedge.
00:21Do they need to know if I want to prosecute the guy?
00:24Because I think I don't.
00:25I was cross at the time, but it was quite cheap, own-brand vodka.
00:29And I think, on the whole, I'll just chalk it up to experience.
00:32You do realise how serious what happened was, don't you?
00:35Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
00:37I think, on the whole, I've decided not that serious.
00:39It was just some vodka. Let bygones be bygones.
00:42They're not your bygones.
00:44Of course they're my bygones. I'm the one they went by.
00:48No, the poor guy you made drink and rinse, say, they're his bygones.
00:52The vodka thief.
00:53It's not stealing vodka if you find it in a hedge.
00:55Oh, that's the new law, is it?
00:56No, that's the very old law. And another very old law is don't force joggers to drink rinse aid.
01:01I would question the antiquity of that law.
01:03He could very well have taken you to court.
01:05So he's not, then?
01:06No. Thanks to some brilliant work by me, he's agreed to let bygones be bygones.
01:11Well, if you remember, that's exactly what I suggested.
01:13OK, well, anyway, I just thought I'd deliver the message.
01:16Wait, you're not going to have a drink, are you?
01:17Look, we've established that I drink too much, but this is Britain. We all drink too much.
01:22And do you know what? I'm good at drinking too much.
01:25Even if I were an alcoholic, which I'm not, but if I were, which I'm not, but if I were, I'd be such a high-functioning one that it basically wouldn't matter.
01:34You tried to poison a stranger?
01:36Yes. When I was sober, it literally would not have happened if I'd had a drink.
01:41You need to take a look at your demons, Stephen.
01:43I've just told you, I haven't got drink demons. I've got loads of other demons, though, and I promise I'll have a good look at those.
01:50Fine. I'm going to go and get some bits of M&S for Mum and Dad.
01:54Merlot, please, Jan. Why is it so busy?
01:57Poor UBS had to close temporarily.
01:59They discovered asbestos, so all their customers have come here.
02:02They make a lot of silly fuss over asbestos.
02:04My farm's full of it. Ceilings, floor tiles, insulation, outbuildings.
02:09I think I've been exposed to it so much, I'm immune to any ill effects.
02:13So it's like you've been vaccinated with asbestos.
02:16Yeah. Suck on that, nanny state.
02:19So now what does it want me to do?
02:36Well, when we don't know, what always helps?
02:40Well, the cog of knowledge.
02:41The cog of knowledge. The all-knowing cog.
02:43Uh-huh. Archive.
02:47So where do I put it? Alison or garden?
02:50That's not really a technical question, Wendy.
02:52That's more philosophy.
02:53Is it Alison in the garden, or is it the garden with Alison in it?
02:57What's our focus?
02:59Well, can't I put it in both?
03:00I mean, you very much can put it in both.
03:03The question is, are you ready to learn how to put it in both?
03:06No.
03:07Wendy, come on. Only 40 minutes ago, you didn't know how to make it go big.
03:11Oh, all right then.
03:12That's the spirit.
03:13Right, what we need to do is create keywords within folders.
03:16No, no, no. I regret it already.
03:18Oh, goddammit, woman, come on.
03:20Pull yourself together. You can do this.
03:22Oh, hi, Alison.
03:23Hello, sweetheart. Andrew's teaching me how to scan in all the old photos.
03:29I can see. I told you I would do that.
03:33Yes, but...
03:34What?
03:37You didn't.
03:38I did. I told you at Christmas.
03:40No, I'm not saying you didn't say you would. I just mean you didn't.
03:44I'm sorry if I've just been a tiny bit busy, what with trying to move house and ending a long-term relationship.
03:49I'm not blaming you, darling, but Andrew offered an ice-hole.
03:52Sorry, Alison. This is the TV aerial all over again, isn't it? Am I crossed another line?
03:57No, not at all. Our reception's never been clearer.
04:01Is that me?
04:03Yes.
04:03Mum, I'm topless.
04:05Don't be ridiculous, darling. You're fine.
04:07It doesn't matter how old I am. They're still the same nipples.
04:11Don't be silly.
04:12If it helps, I honestly haven't registered your nipples.
04:15Stephen, thanks so much for taking in all our waifs and strays.
04:26Bloody asbestos.
04:28Looks like we're doing very well out of it, sir.
04:31Sorry things didn't work out with you and the job at our place.
04:34Bygones?
04:36I'm hearing that word a lot today.
04:38We were wondering, Stephen, would you guys be able to host our pub quiz tomorrow night?
04:44Quiz?
04:44It's a rollover. The jackpot's up to £800, so all the regulars are keen for it to go ahead.
04:50You guys could even put a team together.
04:52A pub quiz.
04:54Oh, a pub quiz.
04:58A pub quiz? Oh.
05:01But I'm thinking maybe this is the demon I can actually face.
05:04The dreaded pub quiz.
05:05I think I might be able to exorcise this demon.
05:08Are we talking about an actual exorcism here?
05:10Because I could definitely get us mates rates.
05:12One of the last things that Laurie did before he went into the hospice was organise a pub quiz.
05:17The jackpot question was about law.
05:20Stephen buzzed prematurely.
05:22My finger slipped. I panicked.
05:24He'd got the answer wrong, so the other team automatically won.
05:27Who were they again?
05:28The Brights. The fucking Brights is who they were.
05:30Laurie thought Stephen ought to have known the answer because of all his legal training that Laurie paid for.
05:37Not in America. It was a question about the US legal system.
05:40Anyway, it all got a bit drastic.
05:43Dad got angry, never forgave me, and then he died. Classic.
05:47Hi.
05:48Hey. You again?
05:50Oh, it's nice to check in, even though, obviously, I live independently now.
05:54It's great. We love it.
05:55You did check in this morning.
05:57I know, but I just had a brilliant history of art sesh.
06:00We're looking at a late Rembrandt, the Two Moors.
06:02That was the old word for what we would now call African-Americans.
06:06Did they have Americans then?
06:07No, I mean, uh, Dutch-Americans.
06:10No, African-Dutchmen?
06:12I think just Africans.
06:14Right.
06:14Anyway, the wonderful thing is, is that Rembrandt paints them as if they were just normal people.
06:19Which they were.
06:21Are.
06:21Which they are and were.
06:22But Rembrandt wouldn't have thought so.
06:24That's my point.
06:24Except that he did.
06:25But he shouldn't have.
06:26Shouldn't he?
06:27No.
06:28Yes, he should.
06:29And he did.
06:29And that's my point.
06:30And that's why it's my favourite.
06:31Anyway, what's everyone else's news?
06:34If I put a pub quiz team together, Cass, would you want to be part of it?
06:39You?
06:40Even after you...
06:41I know, but I've decided to clamber unsteadily back onto that horse.
06:45I might put my own team together.
06:47My housemate, the gang.
06:49Fair enough.
06:50How about you, Mum?
06:51Oh, well, I will if you like, love, but I don't really know anything.
06:54No, that's true.
06:55Julian, how's your trivia knowledge?
06:57Well, I'm no Professor Brainstorm, but what knowledge I do have is far from
07:01trivial.
07:02It's the sure and certain knowledge that Jesus is magic.
07:06I know.
07:06Never mind.
07:07That rarely comes up.
07:26Ha-ha.
07:26Then, above that, we have a great bear.
07:35Or there's a major.
07:36Mum, what on earth do you think you're...
07:37Dad?
07:39Hey, put up a pew.
07:41Andrew's teaching me all about the stars.
07:43What about the stars?
07:45There's fucking loads of the bastards.
07:46What else do you need to know?
07:47Well, what they're called, you know, what constellations they're in.
07:52Constellations, I mean.
07:54What does Andrew know about that?
07:55Oh, my word, everything.
07:57He used to be an astronomer, didn't you know?
08:00Not really.
08:01I dabbled.
08:02Very junior position over at Goonhillie Down towards the end of the 90s.
08:06Dad, do you really think you ought to be out in the garden in the middle of the night?
08:09Oh, I'm fine.
08:10Fit as a flea.
08:11It turns out I've got a better resting heart rate than Andrew here.
08:14I gave Phil a quick...
08:16Not medical, exactly, but checked a few vitals, you know.
08:20I thought it'd be irresponsible not to if we were going to be sat out.
08:23Oh, isn't he lovely?
08:25I think he must be the only chap I've ever met who's pure goodness.
08:29No, I tell a lie.
08:30I did once bump into Tony Hart.
08:36That's his whole thing, though.
08:37When you just say it out loud to people.
08:40Archiving old photographs, stargazing.
08:43Right, it sounds perfectly normal and nice.
08:46Maybe it is normal and nice.
08:48Do you believe that?
08:50No.
08:51This is new.
08:52I thought it was just me he wanted to inject his venom into.
08:55Maybe he's expanding his client list.
08:58Maybe he sees me as part of you, because we used to be married.
09:01Happily married.
09:03That shouldn't be how it works, though.
09:05Batman has other villains.
09:06Joker doesn't have other Batman.
09:08Did you just instinctively pluralise Batman?
09:12I'm not a savage.
09:17So, Geoff, you're in for the quiz, right?
09:20Sure.
09:20I'm good on popular culture, up until about 1998.
09:24Or 2002, even.
09:26When was Chris Tarrant around?
09:28Then.
09:28I'm good at that.
09:29Right.
09:30We need a bit more heft if we're going to beat the Brights.
09:33Sorry, who are the Brights?
09:34Oh, they're the worst.
09:35They're sort of pub quiz asset strippers.
09:37Like that gang in the Wild West that went around stealing everyone's money.
09:41The James gang?
09:42See, I don't know, but the Brights would.
09:44I don't know what I'm talking about, but they'd know exactly what I was talking about.
09:48Oh, they've got one of those creepy kids who can recite pie for days.
09:51And a triple mastermind semi-finalist, which is more impressive than it sounds.
09:56And it sounds impressive.
09:57Oh, her, Mary?
09:58Yeah, she's class.
10:00She really is.
10:01She could have been on eggheads, but it's who you know with that crowd.
10:04Anyway, as soon as there's a decent prize anywhere west of Reading, they swoop in like brainy locusts and hoover it up.
10:12Basically, they're my nemeses.
10:13I thought Andrew was your nemesis.
10:15Well, he's one of them and they're another.
10:17You can't have more than one nemesis.
10:18You can have as many as you like.
10:19Look at Batman.
10:20He's got the Joker, the Cat Lady, Danny DeVito, one that's like the Joker, but green.
10:27I should know these.
10:28They might come up.
10:29Could Andrew join you, maybe?
10:31Oh, he's very clever.
10:33Oh, yes.
10:33Raise a sharp mind.
10:35Sagacious, forensic, galaxy brain.
10:38He could help you beat the Brights, Stephen.
10:40He could defeat your demons.
10:42In this situation, I think Andrew might be the exorcist.
10:48This needs to be an efficient, focused strike, like Hatton Garden.
11:09In, do the business, out.
11:11Wallop, Cushtie.
11:13Didn't they all go to prison?
11:14I know how much this means to you, Stephen.
11:16To your mental well-being.
11:17I'm sure you do.
11:19So, let's get our thinking heads on and win this.
11:22Just wanted to wish everyone good luck.
11:24It doesn't matter if you fail.
11:26You can't know everything.
11:27And sometimes you'll need to hit rock bottom before things begin to look up.
11:32Is this a pep talk?
11:33It was meant to be, but I should have rehearsed it.
11:38I don't think I've been in a pub since I split with Becca.
11:42We can leave whenever you like.
11:43Oh, thanks.
11:44I'm fine at the moment.
11:45I'm feeling supported.
11:47I'm feeling pretty safe, actually.
11:49What's your specialist subject, quiz-wise?
11:52Yes.
11:53Er, serial killers.
11:57Quiz Akabusi.
11:59Quiz Evans.
12:00Quiz Quiz Stofferson.
12:02Jeff, the team name doesn't have to be a Chris Quiz pun.
12:05Of course it does.
12:06They always are.
12:07It's hilarious.
12:08Oh, Christopher Columbus.
12:10Quiz Turok.
12:10Who's Quiz Turok again?
12:12Is he a cricketer?
12:12No, that thin bloke who does my silage.
12:14Oh, let's get quizzical.
12:16Er, quizzy wig.
12:17The quizzer of Oz.
12:19The quizzer of Quaz, Jeff.
12:22No, to be clear, I am going to keep doing these until you pick one.
12:25No, Jeff, look.
12:27The Brights.
12:29The fucking Brights.
12:33Is that Mary Ryan?
12:34Isn't she the quizzing legend?
12:36We can beat them.
12:38We can.
12:38Even with Mary Ryan, do you have a plan?
12:41Well, no, I was just expressing it as a hope and a want.
12:46Well, I hope and want to get one more erection before I die.
12:49But it's unlikely, unless they hang me.
12:53Don't worry.
12:54I'm going to do everything I can to win this quiz, Turok.
12:57Everything.
12:58Jan, next question, if you please.
13:05Mike, I thank you kindly.
13:08The next question is as follows.
13:10The smallest city in Britain is also the windiest city.
13:17What is it?
13:19I know.
13:20Give me the pen.
13:21Give me the pen.
13:21You'll never get the pen, Jeff.
13:23Chicago.
13:24Chicago.
13:25Chicago.
13:26You think the smallest city in Britain is Chicago?
13:30What?
13:31No, it's a windy city.
13:32That's what they call it.
13:33That's only a third of the question.
13:34No time for maths now, Professor Yaffel.
13:36This is geography.
13:37And that's a very respectable half-time score for the Team Tegene Guard.
13:50And Depth of the Mensa are doing very well indeed.
13:53But way, way out front with 24 out of 25 points, it's the Brights.
14:01Right by name?
14:02Yes, they are.
14:05Oh, well.
14:06We're fucked.
14:07Shall we call it a night?
14:08No sense humiliating ourselves.
14:10I wonder which one they got wrong.
14:12I can't imagine.
14:13Maybe there was a question about having a girlfriend.
14:16I think two of them are married.
14:17One's just a kid.
14:18Yes, yes, all right.
14:19And also, do you have a kid?
14:20I said all right.
14:25How old do you reckon that Brights kid is?
14:29Does he even have an age?
14:31They grow those brainiacs in pods at Mensa.
14:34I only ask because I hope he's not too young to be doing the quiz.
14:38What do you mean?
14:39Accompanied kids are fine to be in pubs.
14:41It's just under-16s can't take part in gambling.
14:44And this stick-or-twist ending with money at stake, does that technically make it gambling?
14:51So we could get Baby Einstein thrown out?
14:54I don't know.
14:55Could we?
14:56Go and tell Bryony.
14:58No, I wouldn't like to do that.
15:00It's not really on, is it?
15:01Why did you mention it then?
15:02I just thought it was interesting.
15:04You want me to do the dirty work?
15:05No, I don't think anyone should do it.
15:08I think it's great the kid gets to play.
15:09Are you going to stop me?
15:10Stephen, I've made my position on this very clear.
15:13I can't go any further than that.
15:15Thanks.
15:40I did it.
16:09Great.
16:11But now I feel bad for them.
16:13You live by the quiz rules, you die by the quiz rules.
16:15Yeah, but they weren't really cheating.
16:17It's just...
16:18I think I'd like to help them.
16:21Sorry.
16:24Hi.
16:25Sorry.
16:26Excuse me.
16:27My name's Andrew.
16:28And I'm, um...
16:30Well, I'm from that team over there.
16:34Oh.
16:35How are you?
16:36I know, and I just wanted to say, we are so sorry.
16:40It's the team captain.
16:42He's just such a stickler.
16:44Yeah, well, it's a bit late for apologies now.
16:46I know, I know.
16:47And that's why I thought the least I could do,
16:50if you'll have me,
16:52is defect to your team for the second half of the quiz.
16:55What's Andrew doing?
17:06He's defected.
17:08He's joined the Brights because he knows they're going to win.
17:11Nah, he's up to something clever.
17:13I'm going to do everything I can to win this quiz, Stephen.
17:17He's a traitor.
17:17Quiz, quiz, quiz.
17:19Quiz, quiz, quizity, quiz.
17:22Yeah!
17:23That's right, Mike.
17:25Let's get back to the quiz.
17:27Here's Mike.
17:28Thanks, Jan.
17:29Question seven.
17:30Which Italian statesman did AJP Taylor describe
17:33as the only wholly admirable figure in modern history?
17:40Yeah, I think I already know what you're going to say, Jeff,
17:43and I'd really love it if you didn't say it.
17:45Right, but it's not Mussolini.
17:47He made the trains run on time.
17:49He didn't.
17:50And even if he did,
17:51that doesn't make him wholly admirable.
17:53I'm not saying I think that.
17:55I'm just saying this AJ bloke might.
17:58We don't know who he is, do we?
18:00Maybe he's a massive Nazi.
18:03I'll like that then, shall I?
18:04Yeah, I think so.
18:05So we're sure, are we, that it's Mussolini?
18:10No, not really.
18:12But I don't know any other Italian statesman, do you?
18:15No.
18:16Mary will know.
18:18But she's not coming back.
18:20Mary and Lee, they're the Brights, really.
18:22We're very much the, uh, back-end singers.
18:26Right.
18:31I don't think we won.
18:33I'm sorry it wasn't much use.
18:34You were fine.
18:35I only thought I'd nailed the picture round,
18:37but now I'm also sure.
18:38Yeah, I do think it was Robin Williams in Goodwill Hunting.
18:41I'm not Harold Shipman.
18:43Yeah.
18:45The final scores, please, Jan.
18:48In third place, with 44 points,
18:51it's Sir Quiz Hoy.
18:53And in second place, with 48 points,
18:59Denser Than Mentor.
19:01And in first place, this is very exciting,
19:04we have a tie.
19:06Oh, indeed.
19:09With 52 points each,
19:11it's the Brights,
19:13and coming up very strongly in the second half,
19:16Quiz Team Aguilera.
19:18Yeah.
19:21Would the team captains join us up here, please?
19:23Good luck, Stephen.
19:24Don't stuff it up this time.
19:25What do you think?
19:31Do you want to do it, or shall I?
19:34It's fine to fail.
19:37Shall we toss for it?
19:38It's OK, guys, I've got this.
19:50Your buzzers, gentlemen?
19:52Use them wisely.
19:53It's time for the tie-break jackpot question.
19:58Ooh.
19:59OK, so first to buzz gets to answer,
20:02but if you get it wrong,
20:03the other team automatically wins.
20:07Ready?
20:08Yes, OK.
20:10Ready.
20:11Ready.
20:12OK, £850 for grabs,
20:15and it's an astronomy question.
20:19So, here we go.
20:21By what name is the star Sirius
20:25more commonly known?
20:33Either of you?
20:35Sirius?
20:37Don't you know, Stephen?
20:38Yes, I know.
20:40I absolutely know.
20:41One hundred percent.
20:43Do you?
20:43Of course.
20:44So why aren't you buzzing?
20:45Why aren't you?
20:46I know how much this means to you.
20:48I can live with you getting in first,
20:51but I couldn't bear to buzz and get it wrong
20:53and give victory to you and the fucking brides.
20:57But you do know the answer, don't you?
20:59I am as certain of it as I am of my own name.
21:03We're going to have to hurry you, aren't we, Mike?
21:05Hurry up.
21:06See?
21:07It's got to be worth a guess.
21:08The answer is, of course,
21:29the pole star.
21:33Oh!
21:33No, it's not.
21:37I'm afraid that's the wrong answer, Andrew.
21:39Bad luck.
21:40That's right.
21:41It's wrong.
21:42And so tonight's worthy winners are
21:45Stephen Nicholls and quiz team Anguilera!
21:48The correct answer was, of course...
21:55Dog star.
21:56Sirius is the dog star.
21:58Correct.
22:02What were you playing at, laughing boy?
22:04What was the big idea?
22:05I can't believe you didn't get the answer to that question.
22:08Even I basically knew that one, more or less.
22:11Not my night, eh?
22:12Not your night.
22:13My night.
22:14Didn't you tell my dad you worked as an astronomer?
22:16I didn't say astronomer.
22:17I think you did.
22:19You said exactly that.
22:20And yet you thought Sirius was the pole star.
22:23You took a dive.
22:24So Stephen could exercise his quiz, Stephen.
22:28What a guy.
22:29No, he didn't.
22:30He just didn't know.
22:31Andrew, tell them.
22:32Tell them you genuinely didn't know.
22:36Stephen's absolutely right.
22:38I just have one of those weird blanks.
22:40Couldn't for the life of me remember the name of Sirius.
22:43Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:45Well done, mate.
22:49You won fair and square.
22:52Hope it helped.
Recommended
23:20
|
Up next
23:49
23:59
23:27
23:46
24:32
24:58
23:50
24:12
22:39
24:55
27:00
24:25
29:00
1:04:05
1:06:28
43:22
42:12
23:45