- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:00.
00:06Morning.
00:11Hiya, Keith. Sorry about Spurs.
00:13Oh, don't rub it in me.
00:15You're a masseur, so you can talk.
00:17Ha! Nice one. See you at yoga?
00:18Of course. When have I ever missed yoga?
00:20Latest potatoes.
00:30.
00:40.
00:45.
00:50.
00:52.
00:53.
00:54.
00:55.
00:56Hmm. Back to the balaclava then, Geoff.
00:58Didn't you have lots of complaints about it?
01:00Police coming round.
01:01Police can fuck off. I'm a farmer. Keeps my face warm.
01:05Terrorists and sex offenders have decimated the balaclava industry, Mike.
01:09They should hang their heads.
01:11At the very least. Drink.
01:13Lilt, please.
01:14Sorry?
01:15Lilt.
01:16Lilt?
01:17I just fancy a lilt. A nice lilt.
01:20Hmm. There's some in the kitchen fridge.
01:22Well, and when's young Stephen back?
01:24Oh, soon we think. His therapist is assessing him today.
01:27It'll be good to have him back.
01:29Oh, God, yes. It absolutely will.
01:32You being served, Geoff?
01:34Mike's getting me a lilt.
01:36A lilt?
01:37Geoff just fancied a nice lilt.
01:39Actually, all this talk of lilt...
01:41Do you want a lilt, Julian?
01:43No, I'm fine.
01:45Oh, go on, then. I'll have a lilt.
01:47Aww.
01:48Lilt.
01:49I forgot to say, before you left for the cash and carry, urinal cakes.
02:12Problem.
02:13Oh, genius.
02:14Course you have.
02:15Lots of activity up the road, Andrew.
02:17New place is about to open.
02:19How do you pronounce it?
02:21Is it par-ub or just pub?
02:24I've been saying pube.
02:25It's written P-colon-ub.
02:27You don't want to reference colons if you're serving food.
02:30You know the managers upped and left before they've even opened?
02:33They need someone new.
02:35Quicksmart.
02:36Right.
02:37Do they?
02:38Lee and Bryony Kingsley are legends.
02:40Set up so many businesses.
02:42They'll know your reputation.
02:43They'll want to nab you.
02:44You'd fit in.
02:45You're very modern.
02:46I'm very happy here, Ellen.
02:48No intention of being nabbed.
02:49Although if par-ub does become the cool new place,
02:52you might suddenly find you're just some guy running a middling provincial pub.
02:55I'll take the urinal cakes through.
02:58Have we got the par-ub menu through?
03:00Oh, yes.
03:02It's very cool.
03:03Very minimalist.
03:05Stove warmed fish.
03:07Leaves.
03:09They sound nice.
03:11Heritage pig head.
03:13An egg.
03:15Interesting.
03:16Local curds.
03:18Ooh.
03:19Fucking ball bags.
03:21I liked it when it was the king's arms.
03:23Spit and sawdust place, massive carp up.
03:26I don't know why it closed down.
03:28Two people were stabbed to death there, Geoff.
03:30Now, get your facts straight.
03:31They were stabbed in the big car park, but they actually died later in hospital.
03:36Less of the fake news.
03:37So, if Andrew does move on, who'll run the barleycorn?
03:41Well, I guess Stephen again.
03:43Right.
03:44Of course, Stephen.
03:45Huh.
03:46Great.
03:47It is a tremendous degree of progress you've made, Stephen.
03:55It's like a journey, isn't it?
03:57Oh, it is.
03:58It's very like a journey.
03:59Oh, you're absolutely right.
04:00I say that all the time.
04:02You do, Robbie.
04:03All the time.
04:04Brilliantly.
04:05And, like all journeys, there'll be bumps in the road.
04:08Uh, twists and turns.
04:10T-junctions.
04:11Roundabouts.
04:12Filter lanes.
04:13You may proceed in the direction of the green arrow when it or the full green light shows.
04:18I'm just quoting the highway code now.
04:21But that's what therapy is, isn't it?
04:23It's a kind of highway code to get your mind back on the road.
04:27I'm in here for my M.O.T.
04:29Yeah, and you'll very soon be road-worthy.
04:32We've addressed your drinking, the uncertainty over your biological father, your feelings towards Andrew, that car accident in Limoges.
04:40I'm a very different guy from the one who was forcibly encouraged by his family and the wider community to become an inpatient here.
04:47So, I think you're ready to go home.
04:51Wow.
04:53You've really helped me get my shit together, Robbie.
04:56There was a lot of disparate shit, and now it's all in one place.
05:00Under control.
05:04Genuinely.
05:06That fucking idiot thinks I'm cured, the prick.
05:08I think so too, actually, Stephen.
05:10Well, maybe not cured, but more yourself.
05:13I'm just pretending.
05:14I'm still mad.
05:15You don't seem to be.
05:16That's the thing.
05:17I'm so mad, I look normal.
05:19Just a guy in a residential facility being helped by a regime of appropriate medication and therapy.
05:25What's suspicious about that?
05:27Nothing.
05:28It's genius.
05:30Mad genius.
05:31Maybe stop saying mad.
05:33It's useful shorthand.
05:34Well, if your therapist thinks you're progressing.
05:36Robbie knows nothing.
05:37We disagreed a few weeks ago over the correct plural form of cuppa soup.
05:41He thinks it's cuppa soups.
05:44It's quite clearly cups-a-soup.
05:46A multiple number of cups of soup.
05:50Hi, Stephen.
05:51Hi, Kath.
05:52Did you find your phone?
05:53Would you believe it was in my coat pocket all the time?
05:56No, I think you're lying.
05:57Only joking.
05:58I totally believe that it was in your pocket.
06:01Thanks.
06:02There's nothing there.
06:03Oh, I must have accidentally swallowed them.
06:04But usually, I pretend.
06:05Flush them away.
06:06There'll be a lot of rats in these sewers with excellent serotonin levels.
06:21What do you think Stephen will be like when he comes back?
06:26I'm hoping he's no longer at war with himself.
06:29I mean, what we have to do, all of us, is support him fully.
06:33The last thing we want is for Stephen to get ill again.
06:36You haven't been to see him at all.
06:37He's only wanted to see Alison.
06:39Not even Mum, and she's the one who's been paying for his stay.
06:42It's weird, isn't it, that he's the one who's been having treatment
06:46when I've always been the one with so much mental complexity going on.
06:49Stephen did get very ill, Cass.
06:52I mean, he was paranoid, depressed, anxious, obsessive, compulsive.
06:56It was quite a cocktail.
06:57Oh, and he was an alcoholic.
06:59No, I know.
07:00And it just brings it home to me how much stuff I've been coping with,
07:04you know?
07:05Silently.
07:06You get very good at hiding your massive complexity
07:09behind a mask of complete ordinariness.
07:12How many layers are there to an onion?
07:14No-one knows.
07:15Science can't tell.
07:17Let's hope one day they crack that mystery.
07:20Sorry, Andrew.
07:22Could we have a word?
07:24We're a bit worried about how to speak to Stephen when he's back.
07:30The tone.
07:31You know, because like you say, he's vulnerable.
07:33He's...
07:34Been treated in a facility.
07:35So, do we act normally, or...?
07:38We thought acting normally would be the way to go.
07:40Mm.
07:41But it's eggshells, isn't it?
07:43He might say the wrong thing, or...
07:45Nutter.
07:46Something like that.
07:47Yeah.
07:48Obviously, we mustn't let him be driven into mental collapse again.
07:51I can't stress that enough.
07:53So, just chat normally to him.
07:55Okay.
07:56Oh, sure.
07:57Normally.
07:58Yeah.
07:59Good.
08:00Try not to act at all odd or awkward, you know?
08:03Yes.
08:04Yes.
08:05Can be there, sir.
08:07Ten for on that one, my good pal.
08:09Yeah.
08:16Can you be wearing these shoes?
08:18I'm not sure they'll fit me.
08:19I haven't worn shoes since I arrived here, and my feet have become very soft and wide.
08:24Really?
08:25I've been in backless slippers constantly.
08:27My feet are almost as wide as they are long.
08:31Like veal escalopes.
08:38Bye-bye.
08:39Bye.
08:40Oh, Stephen.
08:41Good luck.
08:42You've got somewhere to stay.
08:43Oh, no, we aren't.
08:45I mean, we were, but...
08:47I'll live with my mum for a bit and then take stock.
08:50Good.
08:51Well, get some rest and some good food.
08:53Wouldn't like to think of you back in that awful caravan again, living off pot noodles.
08:58Pot's noodle.
08:59Sorry?
09:00It's fine.
09:01Come on, Stephen.
09:02It is pot's noodle.
09:03Yes, all right, come on.
09:06It's pot noodle.
09:07Stephen.
09:08The noodles have become adjectival.
09:10Noodle's noodle.
09:11Pot noodle describes the pot.
09:13More than one pot.
09:14Pot's noodle.
09:15So, I take it you've told everyone you're coming back this evening?
09:19No, I wanted to surprise them.
09:21Oh.
09:22Make an entrance.
09:24I've been away in treatment.
09:26I'm the exotic one now.
09:28Andrew's just a boring provincial pub landlord.
09:31He hasn't got the key to my head anymore.
09:33Tables have turned.
09:35The shoes are on the other feet.
09:36If I could still wear shoes, yes.
09:38So, where is everyone?
09:39It was laughably bad, wasn't it, Andrew?
09:40It was.
09:41Spectacularly poor.
09:42You wouldn't want to be headhunted by that lot.
09:43Oh, shocking.
09:44We have no worries in terms of losing custom.
09:45That plate of curds.
09:46Oh.
09:47Abysmal shite.
09:48Even Little Miss Muffet would have told them to stick it up their arses.
09:51Thought Lee and Briony were meant to be business legends.
09:52They're business chumps, if you'll pardon my language.
09:53I don't like to be negative.
09:54But I wouldn't have fed that meal to Judas.
09:55Well, he was the worst one.
09:56Alison!
09:57Is Stephen with you, love?
09:58Or are you just a bit stressed?
09:59Oh.
10:00Oh.
10:01Oh.
10:02Oh.
10:03Oh.
10:04Oh.
10:05Oh.
10:06Oh.
10:07Oh.
10:08Oh.
10:09Oh.
10:10Oh.
10:11Oh.
10:12Oh.
10:13Oh.
10:14Oh.
10:15Oh.
10:16Oh.
10:17Oh.
10:18Oh.
10:19Oh.
10:20Oh.
10:21Oh.
10:22Oh.
10:23Oh.
10:24Oh.
10:25Oh.
10:26Oh, no.
10:27He's just gone to the league.
10:28Ha.
10:30Chin and tonic, please, love.
10:42Those urinal cakes look fresh.
10:45Got a new batch this week.
10:47Jay's.
10:48Classic.
10:49How are you feeling, Stephen?
10:54I have a crystal clear mind, wide feet, and I'm pissing like a greyhound.
10:59How are you?
11:00Can I apologise?
11:03For?
11:04Everything that happened before.
11:06Everything in the world.
11:07The Napoleonic Wars, smallpox, the cry-laugh emoji, slavery, declining literacy rates.
11:14I came into this family with too much force and not enough empathy,
11:17and I know that my arrival troubled you and may have added to your mental distress.
11:22I don't trust a word you say.
11:24I know. I appreciate that.
11:26Those words just then, don't trust them.
11:28Sure.
11:28Or that word.
11:29Look.
11:30That's a lie.
11:31Look, Stephen, my only hope is that the investment I made with the Wellness Centre
11:34pays off in terms of your future happiness.
11:37Investment?
11:38Maybe that's too crude a term.
11:40Assistance. Sponsorship.
11:42You paid for me to stay at Lynham Abbey, not Mum?
11:45I had the means, and Ellen felt...
11:48Great. Terrific.
11:49I thought it was Miss Havisham, but it was you.
11:51Big, shitty Magwitch.
11:53Magwitch actually helps Pip to fulfil his dreams.
11:56I know my Dickens, Andrew.
11:57Don't you dare try to out-Dickens me, or it will be the worst of times.
12:02That's Dickens. I'm being clever.
12:03I genuinely just wanted to help you.
12:05By gaslighting me into thinking I'm ill,
12:07then paying to put me in a facility so you can gaslight everyone else into thinking I'm ill.
12:11Stephen, I admit it. In the past, I've dissembled and played with the truth,
12:17but I've changed, truly.
12:19All I want to do now is help people.
12:22Go fuck yourself. You can't get into my head anymore, Andrew.
12:25I don't want to get into your head.
12:26Oh, yes, you do, but you can't, because I've changed the locks.
12:29I still know you. I see you.
12:31I'm looking at you right now.
12:33I know you are.
12:35Exactly. I'm staring directly at you.
12:37I'm aware of that.
12:38Welcome back, Stephen.
12:49How are you, sweetheart?
12:52Um...
12:53You better?
12:55Oh, you look a lot better.
12:57Are you better?
12:59Andrew paid for my treatment.
13:01He was my sugar daddy.
13:02Only it wasn't sugar, it was citalopram.
13:05Well, I don't have that kind of money, Stephen,
13:06and something needed to be done urgently.
13:08You were in a bad way.
13:10Andrew offered to help.
13:11And now you're all better.
13:13I just wanted to say,
13:14if you ever need to talk about stuff,
13:16I've been there.
13:17Right, thanks.
13:18Probably actually a bit more seriously than you,
13:20so just use me as a resource.
13:22My suffering should have a positive outcome.
13:25That's meant to be kind,
13:26so thank you.
13:27Mike, Dan?
13:34Yes.
13:35Hello.
13:36Welcome back to here,
13:38where we are.
13:40How's it all been?
13:41Oh, you know, fine.
13:44But not because you weren't here.
13:46No, shit.
13:47Sorry, um,
13:48we don't want to distress you.
13:50I'm not distressed.
13:51Oh.
13:52Can't be there.
13:5410-4 can do.
13:55Nice and buddy.
13:56How is he?
14:02A lot better.
14:04He's lucky to have you to look out for him.
14:06Oh, I remain vigilant.
14:08And how are you?
14:09Busy, busy.
14:11Swamped at work,
14:12investigating dodgy planning applications.
14:15Also, my mum's getting up my nose and on my tits.
14:18Your mum?
14:19Yeah, and dad.
14:20Dependent, needy.
14:22I really haven't got time to fart.
14:24We need to keep Stephen busy.
14:26If he just sits around at Ellen's,
14:27that'd be bad for him.
14:29Am I meant to believe you're concerned for him?
14:32I don't expect you to believe it,
14:33but it's the truth.
14:36You leave it with me, Luca.
14:37We'll work something out.
14:38Okay, mate.
14:39See you later.
14:41Luca, my farmhand.
14:43Strong as a small horse.
14:45That spiteful fucker from my neighbouring farm
14:47is trying to get him deported.
14:49Doesn't sound very fair.
14:50Is he an arable farmer like you, Geoff?
14:52He's an FCQ.
14:53Is that EU code?
14:55Fat can't on a quad bike.
14:56Oh, hello.
15:14Hello, Stephen.
15:15Did you sleep well?
15:17Yes.
15:19You're here early.
15:21In the house.
15:22Did you come round early?
15:25Uh, yes.
15:28I, uh, came round early.
15:30That would be it.
15:31Julian, will you get the whole meal out of the freezer?
15:35I'm not sure.
15:36Well, I...
15:37I was just saying how Julian has come round early.
15:43Yes, an early call.
15:47Uh...
15:47Good morning, Ellen.
15:49Good morning.
15:51Oh, yeah, sorry, Stephen.
15:52Should have told you.
15:53Mum's fucking a vicar.
15:54He's our new dad.
15:55I'm not.
15:56I mean, I am a vicar, but...
15:58Julian and I are very close, love.
16:01I didn't tell you before
16:02because I thought it might add to your...
16:05crisis.
16:07It's fine.
16:07It's cool.
16:08I'm happy for you.
16:10Are you?
16:11Fuck no, but I'll get used to it.
16:13Please don't eat the Eucharist wafers, Cass.
16:16They're Christ.
16:18Can I make you some breakfast, Stephen?
16:19Are there muffins?
16:21I don't think there are.
16:23It's just...
16:24I always had muffins at Linam Abbey, but don't worry.
16:28Have you become a bit institutionalised?
16:30No, I just mentioned that we had muffins for breakfast, that's all.
16:34Lunch on Monday was soup, Tuesday was toasty day,
16:37but it's not important.
16:39OK.
16:39Wednesday's lasagna, Thursday's soup again,
16:42and Friday's fish and chips.
16:44But it's irrelevant.
16:45I'll go with the flow.
16:46Whatever's easiest.
16:48I could go and get some muffins?
16:50No, no, it's fine.
16:54Although it would be nice.
16:55Ah, back on the beer, Geoff.
17:03Yeah, I was just flirting.
17:05Diddled the lilt, but I'm married to beer.
17:07Aw.
17:08Cass was saying Stephen's got a bit institutionalised.
17:11Easily done.
17:12Best time of my life was in hospital,
17:14recovering from heart surgery.
17:15Really?
17:16Liss, lying there for ten days,
17:18doing fuck all,
17:19a catheter up your re-smog
17:21so you don't even have to get up to piss.
17:23That's a living all right.
17:24Can't wait for the hospice.
17:26Oh, Andrew, it's come, the inevitable call.
17:30Lee and Bryony Kingsley left a message
17:32about half an hour ago.
17:33You can name your price now, son.
17:35They need you.
17:36You're like whoever's an expensive footballer these days.
17:39I'm going to say Trevor Francis, but more recent.
17:43What exactly was the message, Jo?
17:44Can we meet with your brilliant landlord?
17:48Meet with?
17:49Like in America.
17:50I bet they get a coffee too.
17:52Well, a meeting can't do any harm.
17:55See how the land lies.
17:58That's it.
17:59He's gone.
18:00You reckon?
18:01Pub is shit.
18:03But it's a challenge, isn't it?
18:05No challenge for Andrew here anymore.
18:07He's bored, in danger of becoming a fixture.
18:10Time to move on.
18:12Yeah.
18:13Andrew's far too sharp and clever to work at the Barleycorn
18:15for longer than a few months.
18:17True.
18:18How long have you guys been here?
18:19Eight years yesterday.
18:20Congrats.
18:21Thanks.
18:27You've eaten here.
18:28I have.
18:29Thoughts, feelings, ideas?
18:31Honestly?
18:32Sure.
18:32No point otherwise.
18:34Truth has value.
18:35Bullshit's worthless.
18:36Okay.
18:39Felt like there was a lot of noise, but no clear signal.
18:42Decor, ambiance, menu, all compromised by conflicting influences.
18:46The service was weak, slow and pretentious.
18:49Those are the headline notes.
18:50If you want a deep dive, I could...
18:52No, no.
18:52No.
18:52We agree.
18:53We need to step up our game.
18:55We're looking for a guy to help turn things around.
18:58Copy that.
18:59And that's where you come in, Stephen.
19:06Stephen, we need a firm hand on the tiller.
19:08Serious realignment.
19:10We're impressed with how the Barleycorn used to be run.
19:13Used to look very different.
19:14Andrew remodelled it.
19:15I'd done a lovely pine thing, but then it all burnt down in a massive fire and he changed it.
19:20The reason we've come to you, Stephen, is we've realised this place is too pretentious.
19:26All this minimalist, metropolitan thing.
19:29Made a mistake.
19:30We need to go totally the other way.
19:32Back to how it was when it was the King's Arms.
19:34People round here, they want something honest.
19:36Old school, not elitist.
19:39Brexit style.
19:40Tell it like it is.
19:41Peppercorn sauce on a big rum steak.
19:44Swear boxes.
19:45Lifeboat boxes.
19:47Little boy with a slot in his head.
19:48Some bloke selling warm crab steaks.
19:50Curry night.
19:52Geysers.
19:53Sauce spots.
19:54Sorts.
19:54Types.
19:55Scotch eggs.
19:56But not artisan Scotch eggs with rare breed pork.
19:59Just fucking Scotch fucking eggs.
20:01Bottom of my language.
20:02But I mean, it's what people want now.
20:04Some things may feel old-fashioned, but they're best unchanged.
20:08Exactly.
20:09The reason they've never updated Hangman is it's too difficult to incrementally draw a stickman serving a 30-year custodial sentence.
20:15I need to talk to Chef.
20:19Will you think about it, Stephen?
20:21We'd love to have you on board.
20:22I will think about it.
20:24Will I need to wear shoes?
20:28If I take over managing Pepparm, in a way, I'm leaving the family.
20:33My loyalties will be elsewhere.
20:35It's a huge deal.
20:37I'd probably have to move into the flat above the Pepparm.
20:40Oh, we'd really miss you.
20:42Indeed.
20:43But needs must.
20:45Do you want to move on, Stephen?
20:47Have a fresh start.
20:48New beginning.
20:49I do.
20:51I think.
20:52Sometimes you just have to make the leap.
20:54I mean, like a salmon, not like that Welsh guy who jumped off the multi-story.
20:58It's wonderful to be wanted.
20:59It's exciting to be valued for who I am, for the skills and experience I have.
21:06I feel like I've come out of Lynham Abbey able to achieve anything.
21:10So, yes, I will take the job.
21:13Cheers!
21:14Cheers!
21:18And are these the absolute widest fit you have?
21:21Yes.
21:22An H fitting's the widest we've got in the size nine.
21:24You don't do a J or anything like that?
21:27No, there's no such fitting as a J.
21:28No, they should do a bravissimo, but for big feet.
21:34Okay, I'll take them.
21:36Why are you two together?
21:38Are you getting married?
21:39Calm down, Stephen.
21:40I went to see Alison in a professional capacity.
21:43I was troubled by Lee and Bryony Kingsley.
21:46Troubled?
21:47I didn't trust them.
21:48The feeling was mutual.
21:49They thought you were Satan.
21:50I'm paraphrasing.
21:52I wanted to pick Alison's brains and...
21:55I've been checking the archives
21:56and Lee and Bryony are incredibly successful business people, as everyone says.
22:01They're amazing.
22:02I have a place in Tuscany.
22:04Said I might be able to stay there.
22:06The thing is, they do get through a lot of businesses
22:09and there seems to be a pattern.
22:11They take over a business.
22:12It doesn't do well.
22:13They close it.
22:14They build on the land and that's how they make their money.
22:17So how does this affect me?
22:19The pattern seems to be that they hire a...
22:23They employ someone who...
22:27What?
22:29They hire a manager who they think will be so incompetent
22:34that he or she will run the business into the ground.
22:37Then, when the business is seen as unsalvageable,
22:40they can apply for change of use and build houses on the land.
22:43Her hub has that massive car park.
22:45They could make millions.
22:46We may be jumping to conclusions.
22:48There's nothing yet been proved about their previous applications.
22:52But a red flag has gone up.
22:54I didn't want you pulled into a scam.
22:57You've been through enough.
23:00Here we are, sir.
23:01Take them away, please.
23:04And bring me a pair of backless slippers.
23:06H-fitting in an eleven and a half.
23:09I thought you took a size nine.
23:10Just do it!
23:13Don't give up completely on shoes, Stephen.
23:15Stupid.
23:16I should have known.
23:18Never dream.
23:19Dreams aren't real.
23:21Only nightmares.
23:23I should go.
23:24Mike and Jan are going to be in late,
23:25so I need to unlock the pub.
23:57We're going to step over.
24:03We're going to make you feel free.
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