- 09/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I live here too, Stephen.
00:06So you do. Thanks for the update.
00:08You just seem to take over the whole room.
00:13I'm eating a muffin off the small plate.
00:15It's not like I've got a hog on a spit and a barrel of me.
00:19I feel restricted. I feel like a caged bird.
00:22There's just too much, you know, gah in this house now.
00:25Gah?
00:26Gah, you know? Competing energy.
00:28You and Mum and Julian.
00:31I'm in the bedroom next to them and I can hear them at it relentlessly.
00:35That is a lot of heavy sex energy.
00:37Rather not think about that.
00:38Are you intimidated by the idea of an older woman enjoying sex?
00:41Yes.
00:43I never used to hear Mum and my dad at it in the same way.
00:47Sorry, Mum and your dad?
00:49Well, it's just not being sure if you're Laurie's son or not.
00:52That was one of the things that, you know, sent you a bit...
00:55Mad as a boiled chimp, sure.
00:56You just don't really need to point it out.
01:01Hi.
01:02Sorry we're late up.
01:04I appreciate your heavy sex energy, Mum.
01:07It's empowering, but it's making me want to find a job and move out.
01:10Sorry, body of Christ.
01:11I'm off too.
01:16Not to find a job or somewhere else to live.
01:19Although I probably should at some point.
01:21I left a pause there for you to say,
01:26no, no, stay in the family home as long as you like, member of the family.
01:30Oh, whatever you do, you have my full support.
01:32Mine too.
01:33Thanks.
01:34That means absolutely nothing.
01:36MUSIC PLAYS
01:37New snacks?
01:51Johnny's, tampons and anodyne for the men's.
01:53Cheers, mate.
01:54See you next month.
01:55Right you are.
01:56Be lucky, guys.
01:57Will do.
01:57Double sixes every time.
01:58Sorry, I was miming, shaking dice.
02:03Not implying you're a wanker.
02:07Not seen you for a few days, Stephen.
02:09Did all the business with Pat Upgate to you.
02:11I guess.
02:12A little bit, you know.
02:14And Julian being at home is a bit odd.
02:17Our stepfather who art in Ellen.
02:20Sorry, Stephen.
02:21It's crude.
02:23Anything new happening here?
02:25Oh, yes.
02:26Yeah, there is as it goes.
02:28They say rules are there to be broken.
02:35Well, bull, if the ladies will excuse me.
02:38Shit.
02:39Rules are there to be willfully ignored.
02:41Excuse me, Mike, you've broken the law.
02:43Well, sorry, chum.
02:44I don't even acknowledge its existence.
02:46Case in point, seatbelts.
02:48You drive more safely without a seatbelt
02:51because you take more care.
02:53The majority of road deaths are actually caused by seatbelts.
02:56I'm not sure you can prove that, Jeff.
02:58I don't need to prove it, Stephen.
03:00It's what I believe.
03:01This is Stephen.
03:02He's Ellen's son.
03:03What?
03:04The lovely Ellen?
03:05So you're Laurie Nichols' boy?
03:08His surname certainly is Nichols, yes.
03:10Hey, what's your poison, Steve?
03:12Oh, I'll just have a water.
03:14It's midday and I am celebrating.
03:17You can't have a water.
03:19Jan, get Steve-O whatever he wants as long as it's not water
03:22and have one for yourself.
03:24Oh, thanks, Mike.
03:26I like your enormous watch.
03:28Really massive.
03:30That belonged to Salman Rushdie.
03:32Shit at poker.
03:33I have an orange in passion fruit J to her, please, Jan.
03:39Who's the guy with the confidence surplus?
03:41Don't think I've ever seen anyone manspread across a whole room before.
03:45He's called Charismatic Mike.
03:47Mike is an utter legend.
03:49Not you, Mike.
03:50Right.
03:51Thanks for clarifying.
03:52Your children's fruity drink, Stephen.
03:53Thanks.
03:54I remember Mike's send-off party.
03:57Not you, Mike.
03:57Yeah, I know.
03:58When he left to join the army in 78,
04:01we ended up back at my farm,
04:03jousting on tractors with scaffolding poles.
04:06Sounds dangerous.
04:08Someone lost an eye.
04:09Those were the days.
04:11Now he's back and everyone's delighted.
04:13One man, Mardi Gras.
04:15I don't know what it is about Charismatic Mike,
04:17but he's got something.
04:18Charisma?
04:20That's probably it, yeah.
04:21Come to think of it.
04:23Oh, I heard he was back.
04:26Oh, my word.
04:27Look at him.
04:29You can feel the charisma from over here.
04:31I can't.
04:32I'm with you, Mike.
04:33Getting nothing here.
04:34Makes me feel we've been in 2D black and white
04:36all the time he's been away.
04:38You're talking about him like he's Jesus come back.
04:40He isn't.
04:41I would know.
04:42He's Jesus plus.
04:44He's what you get if you splice Jesus with Clarkson
04:48and that thin twinkly cunt who plays Loki.
04:51Ooh!
04:53Ellen!
04:54That is gold you can ever!
04:57C.M.
04:58Long time known.
05:01Oh, you know.
05:06So I heard you ended up as a city trader, Mike.
05:13Oh, yeah.
05:15Late 80s.
05:16Wild.
05:17But it wasn't me.
05:18I felt owned by the markets 24 soon.
05:22So one day I just quit and entered the Paris-Dakar rally.
05:26Have a fathom why they end it there.
05:28Grim place.
05:29You might be thinking of Dachau, Jay.
05:33Oh, fuck, yes.
05:34Sorry.
05:34Go on, Mike.
05:35Anyway, I never made it out of Paris
05:37because I fell in love with a girl waving the flag on the starting line.
05:41One year and an annulment later,
05:43I find myself out on me arse in Montmartre,
05:45so I opened an expat bar.
05:48Mike's place.
05:49Clever.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Wow.
05:51Bummed around the Silk Road.
05:52Dealt in Turkish rugs for a bit.
05:54Loved the Silk Road.
05:55I travelled a full length twice.
05:57Chee-am to Constantinople and back.
05:59I think you mean this dumb broad job.
06:02It was Constantinople when the Silk Road was running.
06:04I like to respect the historical context.
06:06Oh, I ran a hostel in Kathmandu,
06:08moved to Oz where I spent the last of my cash
06:10financing my girlfriend's short film,
06:13but she was on marching powder,
06:14so I got my marching orders.
06:16So, Bob's your worst name, here I am.
06:18So what about you?
06:20Very similar vibe, actually, Mike.
06:21You probably picked up I'm a fellow nomad.
06:24I imported electric bikes into Uruguay for a while.
06:26Not you, sweetheart.
06:28Him.
06:28Sorry, me?
06:30Yeah, quiet ones are always more interesting
06:32than the peacocks.
06:34The floor's yours, Steve-o.
06:37Okay.
06:38Potted version.
06:40I was born.
06:41Now I'm boring myself already.
06:44Off the source.
06:45There's a story right there.
06:47Let me guess.
06:50A wild man.
06:53But he doesn't know it.
06:55A lion masquerading as a pussycat.
06:59You've lived the life others wanted for you,
07:01not the one you wanted for yourself.
07:03Because of that, you've poured your anger into drink
07:06when you should have shot it out into the world.
07:10But it's not too late.
07:12You hear that, Stephen?
07:14It's never too late.
07:16Like with your mass GCSE.
07:18Yeah, it's funny.
07:19I can see Ellen in you, but not Laurie.
07:22He was a strong character, wasn't he?
07:24Most popular guy in town.
07:26Formidable.
07:27Took shit from nowhere.
07:29That was him.
07:30Oh, well.
07:31There we are.
07:31I'm not Laurie, and Laurie's not me.
07:33Terry, you old badger fucker.
07:37How many badgers have you fucked?
07:40You fucked badgers up at the bone.
07:54Fuck me.
07:55How long have you been there?
07:56Only a second.
07:57We just needed a moment to recover.
07:59Wasn't expecting a snub from charismatic Mike.
08:01I really thought we connected.
08:02I was taking a moment, too.
08:05All that stuff about how strong Laurie was.
08:08How he didn't take shit from anyone.
08:10Whereas I'm a wholesale shit importer.
08:13Of course I'm not his son.
08:15It's always been screamingly obvious.
08:17I know this Laurie business has been tough.
08:20Balls.
08:20You love it.
08:22The one thing I had over you was a blood connection to Laurie,
08:24and now that's gone.
08:26It's all I ever really wanted, and it's gone.
08:28But you and charismatic Mike had a weird sort of bond just then.
08:32He seemed to know you.
08:33I mean, it's not beyond the realms of possibility, is it?
08:36Is what?
08:37He was on that list of Ellen's former lovers.
08:40Mike Dewar.
08:41Was he?
08:42Pretty sure he was.
08:43What are you trying to do?
08:45I'm trying to help.
08:46By implying he might be my dad?
08:48Don't be ridiculous.
08:49I'm not charismatic Stephen.
08:51I couldn't run Steve's place.
08:53I tried to run a pub, and it burnt down.
08:56Maybe because he didn't have the right father figure.
08:58Stop fucking with me.
09:00I'm not fucking with you.
09:01It's just...
09:02I never spent enough time with my real mother.
09:07And that's the root of who I am today.
09:08Okay, I actually do need a poo now.
09:14What do you mind?
09:20Mum.
09:21Yes, she did sleep with Mike.
09:24Charismatic, Mike.
09:25Is he potentially my father?
09:28Don't get into this, Stephen.
09:30It's best to let the past stay in the past.
09:32Right.
09:32That's what's written on the cenotaph, isn't it?
09:35Look, I suppose that working backwards from your birth,
09:40that yes, Mike does fit the time frame.
09:42Or him and Laurie.
09:44I was still sleeping with Laurie.
09:45And Cheeky Pete.
09:47Oh, yes.
09:48Oh, I had a thing at the time for bad boys.
09:51But Cheeky Pete really was a very bad boy.
09:53He attacked 40 sheep with a machete.
09:56Oh, that is well cheeky.
09:58So, my dad is potentially a charmless publican,
10:01a lovable charlatan, or a sheep murderer.
10:04Murderer stroke maimer.
10:05In a more controlled environment,
10:07he'd have just been a family butcher.
10:09But is it likely to be Mike, do you think, love?
10:13You're very different.
10:14Maybe I can be someone else, like charismatic Mike said.
10:18Maybe I'm not tied to this family,
10:20destined to be a disappointing copy of Laurie.
10:22I mean, this could be the most liberating thing
10:24that's happened to me.
10:25But how are you going to find out for sure?
10:28All you've got are my vague sex memories.
10:31Don't worry.
10:32Leave it to Jeff.
10:35Me.
10:35I'm speaking in the third person
10:37to add a bit of pizzette.
10:38I'm in a hurry, so I've already ordered for me,
10:52but I wasn't sure what would have been
10:54on today's menu at the Wellness Centre.
10:56Are you still trying to match that?
10:57No, no.
10:58I mean, today would have been lasagna.
11:00Wednesday, lasagna day, but I'm not bothered.
11:03What can I get you?
11:04I'll have the lasagna.
11:05Coming up.
11:06So, I've got to be back at the office at two.
11:09Part of the reason I wanted to see you, actually,
11:11is I was wondering...
11:12I think I might have just met my dad.
11:15Are you OK, Stephen?
11:17Are you having visions of Laurie?
11:18Not Laurie. Mike.
11:20Mike's the same age as you.
11:22Charismatic Mike.
11:23Mike? Charismatic?
11:24I can't even remember if he has a moustache.
11:27This is an entirely separate Mike who Mum slept with.
11:31He's one of the candidates to be my dad.
11:33Him, Laurie, and a bloke called Cheeky Pete
11:36who stabbed livestock.
11:37He stabbed livestock?
11:39It was a different era.
11:40So, say I wanted to get a paternity test.
11:43Well, we do them a lot at work.
11:45DNA from sweat, saliva, blood, hair.
11:48Send them off to commercial forensics.
11:50Results back in 72 hours.
11:51Yeah, but think carefully.
11:53This isn't Andrew playing with your brain again, is it?
11:56Whatever Andrew's doing or not doing,
11:58I need to know who my dad is.
12:01So, there are three potential dads?
12:04Yes, it's like Mamma Mia.
12:06I've only seen the trailer for the first one,
12:08but I think I get the gist.
12:21Alison's organising a DNA paternity test
12:26to unmask the father.
12:29The lucky father.
12:30Already on it, Steve-O.
12:31I'm off to exhume Laurie.
12:33With a JCB?
12:34Yeah, it's not a JCB.
12:35Whatever the fuck it is,
12:37you want to exhume Laurie with a mechanical digger?
12:39I'm not digging him up with a spade, am I?
12:41With my piles, they pop like bubble wrap.
12:44You can't just drive into a graveyard
12:46and start digging up bodies.
12:48You need permission.
12:49Easier to seek forgiveness than permission.
12:52I've done a recce,
12:53and I might knock over a few headstones around Laurie,
12:55but they all died in the 50s,
12:57so I don't think they get many visitors.
12:59Just tramps in search of a moonlight crap.
13:01Geoff, you are not digging up a man
13:03who may have been my father,
13:05but definitely was your brother.
13:07His toothbrush is still in the bathroom cabinet.
13:10We can use DNA from that.
13:11Amazing.
13:12Like Jurassic Park.
13:14You could have a theme park
13:15with thousands of clones of your dad running everywhere.
13:18That would be terrifying,
13:19but fucking cool.
13:32OK.
13:33Shall I ask him for some DNA?
13:36It's a bit weird to go straight in on that.
13:38A bit sexual.
13:40You might think you want maintenance from years ago.
13:43You could go all fathers for justice
13:44and climb on a flat-roof pub dressed as Iron Man.
13:47So we steal some DNA.
13:49What's a good source?
13:50Pull a hair out.
13:51One hair?
13:52Or a handful.
13:53I could pretend I slipped and was bracing my fall.
13:56No.
13:57Accidental glassing.
13:59Swap some blood.
13:59Great idea.
14:00And then when you're in prison,
14:01you can get a sample off Cheeky Pete too.
14:04We need to do something.
14:06I'm invested in this.
14:07I need to know if you're my blood nephew or not.
14:10Why?
14:11Because you went bonkers, Stephen.
14:13Round the bend and up the pictures.
14:14I want to know if it's genetic.
14:16Looking to swipe some DNA.
14:18Under control, thanks.
14:19Well, I've already got a sample, if that's a help.
14:21What?
14:22You just happened to take the DNA of your punters?
14:25Not all of them.
14:26Just Mike.
14:27Sorry, Mike.
14:27Not you.
14:28Charismatic, Mike.
14:29Oh, look, fuck's sake.
14:30How about you call me Mike the barman
14:32and him just Mike?
14:34Or me Mike and him Mike not the barman, yeah?
14:38Can we not differentiate on charisma?
14:43Sorry, Mike.
14:43What were you saying?
14:44I zoned out for a minute there.
14:46Anyway, the DNA's here if you want.
14:47Steve-o.
14:50Terry, he's throwing me a welcome back party.
14:53We've got some great guys coming.
14:54We've got Wurzel, Singlemalt, Barry the fucker,
14:56Pritt, Stick, Betty.
14:57But it'd be nice to have a fresh face.
14:59Thanks, I'd love to.
15:01You know, you remind me so much of me.
15:03I used to be scared about what people thought of me.
15:06But then I realized that the greatest superpower
15:08is to never be embarrassed.
15:10Then you can fly.
15:12You only get one shot at life.
15:15So don't hide from it.
15:16Luxuriated it.
15:19All right, sir?
15:20All right.
15:21Mike.
15:31Just thought I'd drop this off for the DNA test.
15:33A couple of hairs from charismatic Mike
15:35on the shoulder of his jacket.
15:37Why are you doing this?
15:40To help.
15:41To help Stephen into another breakdown?
15:44Or is this about charismatic Mike?
15:46Hot new enigma in town, stealing your thunder.
15:49You want to bring him down by giving him Stephen as a son.
15:52Why would Stephen, being his son, bring him down?
15:56It wouldn't.
15:58Exactly.
15:59My point entirely.
16:02I'm a different person now.
16:04I played mind games because it was just second nature to me for so long.
16:08Right.
16:09When you're alone in the world, you build up layers of defence.
16:14You try to be who people want you to be
16:16because you're afraid they'll hate the real you.
16:20When I first arrived, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Stephen.
16:24But I fear I did through my own insecurity.
16:28And I'm truly sorry.
16:31Can I get anyone teas or coffees?
16:34Or teas?
16:34I said teas.
16:35Coffees?
16:36You already asked me half an hour ago, Cass, and I said tea.
16:39Oh, shit.
16:40Sorry.
16:41And sorry for saying shit.
16:42Andrew.
16:43I'm fine, thanks.
16:44Why are you here?
16:45Work experience.
16:46Ten pints.
16:47I always thought I'd make a great solicitor.
16:49Stand up for the underdog.
16:50If a guy's just selling a bit of weed,
16:53leave him alone, copper.
16:55If another guy steals a loaf of bread,
16:57don't hang him.
16:58Give him some dairy, Lee.
17:00They don't hang people anymore.
17:02Or do they still, in a way?
17:04No.
17:05How are you getting on with the filing, Cass?
17:08Great.
17:09Colour-coded, yes?
17:10Alphabetical.
17:11That's what I meant.
17:12Brilliant.
17:16Oh, parents.
17:18What with them and Stephen,
17:20I feel like a full-time carer at the moment.
17:22I'll leave you to it.
17:24Hi.
17:25Oh, hi, Dad.
17:26Yes?
17:27Again?
17:29Well, no one really has aerials anymore.
17:32I really think you should think about getting a smart TV.
17:34You know, you can connect via the internet.
17:37No, it's not the same as smart water.
17:45Hey.
17:46Why are you here?
17:48I was invited.
17:48Shit.
17:51Has Mike asked everyone to his welcome back party?
17:54I thought it was an exclusive thing.
17:56I think you should get a diving watch.
17:57What?
17:58The shirt looks good.
17:59I think you could expand the look.
18:00I haven't got a look.
18:01I just dressed in a hurry.
18:03Sure.
18:03Don't show me.
18:05Show yourself.
18:06Right.
18:07How come he's got so many friends?
18:22I've never had a house party with this many people.
18:25Yo.
18:26Welcome.
18:27I once partied 86 hours straight in Barley.
18:31I've used an adrenaline pen to get me through the last 19 minutes.
18:35Let's see if we can beat that record.
18:37Have a drink.
18:38I call it a Steve-O special.
18:40Orange and passion fruit J2O, but with gin and vermouth.
18:43I don't drink, Mike.
18:45I was very reliant on alcohol, and now I've stopped drinking.
18:49Andy, tell him.
18:50Life is for living in a long time dead.
18:53He really doesn't want it, Mike.
18:56You're fucking perfect.
18:59Do I want to be his son?
19:02Inspirational platitudes and the use of emergency pharmaceuticals to prolong drinking.
19:07But I don't want to be Laurie's, because that means I'm destined to be a disappointment.
19:13Cheeky Pete, then.
19:14Seems the best option.
19:15I've never liked sheep.
19:17Fuck.
19:18I don't know what I think anymore.
19:20Is this what you wanted?
19:22For me to feel even more adrift?
19:24I'm just trying to help you.
19:25Shall we go and dig up Laurie anyway?
19:28I'm morbidly interested in what's left of it.
19:31Who can hotwire a JCB?
19:33OK, I've not got long.
19:43I can't fix it myself, but I can call a man.
19:45Oh, it's working.
19:47He already came.
19:49Who?
19:49The man you sent.
19:51He's like an angel.
19:52Yeah.
20:01What are you doing here?
20:02The aerial just needed repositioning.
20:05You listened in on my phone call?
20:08Sorry, I was in the room and I couldn't help overhearing.
20:10And you said that you felt like a carer, so I was just trying to help.
20:14Apologies if I overstep the mark.
20:16No, I guess...
20:17No, it's fine.
20:19Thanks.
20:20Miss Andrew's fixed it for now, and he's ordered us a new TV.
20:24We can connect via the internet, so we don't need to bother about the aerial.
20:28Come on, Phil, let's plead those rads, and I'll change the time on the oven for you.
20:32I mean, why is it that the clocks have to go back and forth with all the bloody times?
20:35I know.
20:37Nightmare.
20:38You get back to work.
20:39I've got this.
20:39OK.
20:40And thanks.
20:42It's a big help.
20:43That's what I'm trying to do now.
20:45Pint of old Redfoot, please.
20:53Jenny, J, Jan, Jan.
20:55Coming at you, Mikey Crikey.
20:58Stephen.
20:59It's in.
21:00Do you want to go somewhere private?
21:01I should hear it at the same time.
21:03This affects me as much as him.
21:04No, it doesn't.
21:05Yes, it does.
21:06I might be about to discover that I'm an only child.
21:08Shouldn't you be back at the office?
21:10Alison, fire me.
21:11You weren't exactly employed, Cass.
21:13Yo!
21:13Steve-o!
21:15What you got there, then?
21:16You look nervous.
21:17Let me guess.
21:18Library finds.
21:19Could be.
21:20Definitely not a DNA test.
21:22Mmm.
21:23Been a naughty boy then, Steve-o.
21:25Damn you, Sean.
21:26No, someone else has.
21:28Well, not naughty, necessarily.
21:30Sexual.
21:31Well, word of advice to your friend, and I say the same to you.
21:34Get a vasectomy.
21:36I knew I never wanted to be tied down.
21:38I got one when I was 18.
21:39And I always wondered if I would change my mind.
21:42Never did.
21:44I am 18 in my head, and I always will be.
21:47I am Mike, not Dad.
21:51Well, that's Mike out of the picture.
21:53The moment of truth.
21:54Laurie or Cheeky Pete?
21:56I heard the results are in.
21:57You sound like you're going to add, and the phone lines are now closed.
22:01Yes, but it is exciting, finding out who your father is.
22:03Oh, come on, Stephen.
22:04Open it.
22:06If it's all the same, I'd rather be Schrodinger's son.
22:10Is that Cheeky Pete's surname?
22:12Oh, Stephen!
22:15There.
22:16All done.
22:17It can remain a mystery.
22:19They usually send it by email as well, don't they?
22:21Shit.
22:22Of course they do.
22:24It's Laurie.
22:26You're Laurie's son.
22:27You're a Nichols.
22:29There you go, Stephen.
22:30The blood connection to Laurie.
22:32What you wanted.
22:33You've got the one thing that you wanted.
22:36Yes.
22:38Yes, I've got the one thing I wanted.
22:40I'm Laurie's son.
22:43Forever.
22:45I hope I was able to help in some way.
22:47That's what I try to do now.
22:50I help.
22:51We have a couple more.
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