- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:00It seems to me you've been mad to walk away from everything you and Suzanne have built together.
00:11You're right. Our relationship deserves another try. I'm so happy you took my taxi.
00:16You're a wise man.
00:17No, you're the one walking this path. I just maybe held back some of the brambles.
00:22After you drop me at the airport, you need to give that wife of yours a call.
00:25I will. And I'll tell her I definitely want to leave her for my goddaughter, Suzanne. Thank you.
00:45Stephen, mate.
00:46Hello. Sausage rolls for the wake.
00:49Thoughts and prayers, fellow. I've allowed three per person. Seems about right. They're 80 grams each.
00:55Stay strong enough to allow yourself to be weak. Yeah.
00:58I will try somehow to do that.
01:01Your old man was great. A living legend. I mean, he's not anymore, but...
01:06Tough act to follow, right?
01:13Thanks.
01:17He fucking hated you, you tedious shitbag. Used to spit in your ham roll.
01:23Woo!
01:24Woo!
01:25Woo!
01:26Woo!
01:27Woo!
01:28Woo!
01:29Woo!
01:30Woo!
01:31Woo!
01:32Woo!
01:33Woo!
01:34Will you have a panini, Geoff?
01:36I will, Mike.
01:37Turretzo and brie.
01:38Aw.
01:39You're doing the music for Laurie's Wake tomorrow?
01:40Yeah, got a Super 70s playlist lined up. Feel like I need to give him a Big Brother send-off.
01:45Do you still watch Big Brother?
01:47No, I meant because Laurie was my Big Brother.
01:49Oh, you haven't watched it since Nadia was in it.
01:51I never had you down. I was watching Big Brother, Geoff.
01:53Yeah, don't watch it, Jan.
01:54Oh.
01:55Hi. Checking in, en route to Mum's.
01:58All good here, Stephen.
01:59That's your panini.
02:00No, thank you.
02:01Jan and I are loving the panini maker.
02:03I like the refurb.
02:05It's a good refurb, isn't it?
02:07All the pine.
02:08It was expensive.
02:10Really expensive.
02:11Very costly indeed, wasn't it?
02:12But I like to think I got it right.
02:15People could really grow to like it.
02:19Yes, it's really, really thorough.
02:22And whenever I showed Dad the photos towards the end,
02:25he'd just hit his morphine button and smile, so...
02:28Aw.
02:29Don't feel like you have to keep it all bottled up just because of us.
02:32I don't.
02:33You been to see Laurie yet?
02:34Lying at rest?
02:35Talked to him one last time?
02:37Not technically.
02:38Or, actually, I'm not sure that I...
02:40You've only got till half six.
02:42Go see him.
02:43Tell him you love him.
02:44You weren't there when he passed.
02:45I was stuck in a queue at the cash and carry.
02:47The tills went literally mental.
02:49You should go to the funeral place.
02:51Closure's important.
02:52For me, the fact that he's dead
02:54already has quite a large element of closure about it.
02:57Aw.
03:04I'm really sorry.
03:09I'm so sorry.
03:10I don't even know what language you're speaking.
03:11Who?
03:12He's speaking Basque, the beautiful language of the Basque country.
03:15May I?
03:16I wouldn't say I was fluent, but...
03:18What's that?
03:20I've got the sausage rolls for the weight.
03:21I went for the one up from economy.
03:2230% pork.
03:23So, genetically, it's closer to a cucumber.
03:24I'm in Dad's office.
03:25End of messaging.
03:26I've been listening to your Dad's last message from the hospital.
03:27You know, I don't think I've got his voice recorded.
03:28I don't think I've got his voice recorded.
03:29I don't think I've got his voice recorded.
03:30I'm in Dad's office.
03:31End of messaging.
03:32I've been listening to your Dad's last message from the hospital.
03:33You know, I don't think I've got his voice recorded anywhere.
03:34You have one saved message.
03:36I just rang to say I love you, Ellen.
03:37That's all there is, really.
03:38I don't think I've got his voice recorded anywhere.
03:39You have one saved message.
03:40I just rang to say I love you, Ellen.
03:41That's all there is, really.
03:42I don't think I've got his voice recorded anywhere.
03:43I've got the sausage rolls for the weight.
03:44I went for the one up from economy.
03:45I went for the one up from economy.
03:4630% pork.
03:47So, genetically, it's closer to a cucumber.
03:48I've been listening to your Dad's last message from the hospital.
03:49You know, I don't think I've got his voice recorded anywhere.
03:50You have one saved message.
03:51I just rang to say I love you, Ellen.
03:52That's all there is, really.
03:53Isn't it?
03:54Love.
03:55Family.
03:56I mean, you actually...
03:57Oh, shit.
03:58I've dropped my yoghurt.
03:59Oh, fuck it all to hell.
04:00End of messages.
04:01Laurie to a T.
04:02Loving his family.
04:03Dropping his yoghurt.
04:04I've been listening to your Dad's last message from the hospital.
04:05You know, I don't think I've got his voice recorded anywhere.
04:06You have one saved message.
04:07I just rang to say I love you, Ellen.
04:08That's all there is, really.
04:09Isn't it?
04:10Love.
04:11Family.
04:12When you actually...
04:13Oh, shit.
04:14I've dropped my yoghurt.
04:15Oh, fuck it all to hell.
04:16I've got a lot of messages.
04:17Laurie to a T.
04:18Loving his family.
04:19Dropping his yoghurt.
04:20Sure.
04:21I'm fine, thanks.
04:23It's only grass, love.
04:24Yeah, don't worry.
04:25I've just had a massive toke on my brown inhaler.
04:29Mum, I've got a vision for the future of the business.
04:34Have you?
04:35I think Dad liked what I did with the refurb.
04:39So I'm stepping up.
04:40There's no-one else to fill Dad's shoes.
04:42Cass isn't interested.
04:43No, she's like me.
04:44Creative.
04:45So my vision is...
04:47I would actually say that I'm quite creative, too.
04:50Of course you are, sweetheart.
04:52My vision is static caravans in the field behind the pub.
04:56For holidays.
04:57Four caravans, five, maybe even six.
04:59Who knows?
05:00But most likely four.
05:02We could really start moving forward.
05:04I mean, they're static, but you get my point.
05:06Let's bury your Dad first.
05:08That's the priority.
05:10Copy that.
05:13Sir?
05:14Ladies and gentlemen, if there's a doctor on board or anyone trained in CPR, please do make yourselves known to the cabin crew.
05:24Hi, it's me. Can I help?
05:26Stephen, go and see Dad's body and tell him you love him before it's too late.
05:39It's really important.
05:40This is Geoff's doing, isn't it?
05:41No.
05:42Shit.
05:43Geoff!
05:44It's not just me.
05:45Cassie's concerned as well, and your mum, and Mike and Jan, and the guy on the phone-in.
05:50You rang a phone-in about me?
05:52Love a phone-in.
05:53Don't know what I'd do without phone-ins.
05:55Or Pornhub.
05:56Have you seen Dad's body?
05:57Yes.
05:58I mean, no, but I was with him in the hospice until he was nearly dead.
06:01If he hadn't been talking and eating a sweet, he'd have been dead.
06:04I've been four times to the funeral parlour.
06:06It's a comfort.
06:07It's weird.
06:08Shit.
06:09Mum's out.
06:10Have you got your keys?
06:11No.
06:12Maybe.
06:13I don't know.
06:14Who always knows where their keys are?
06:15Everyone who has a door.
06:16Come on.
06:17I've tried to make it look like he's just asleep in the coffin, but it hasn't really worked.
06:24Well, Dad slept naked and on his front, so in a way I'm glad.
06:28Mum's gone for a wicker coffin.
06:30Reminds me of the baskets we used to use for food in the pub.
06:33Here we go, folks.
06:34Dad's like a giant scampi.
06:37Fresh from the shining sea.
06:39Frozen from shitty bijea, more like.
06:42Don't do your homework in the pub, Stephen.
06:44Do it at home.
06:45It's hard to concentrate with all the foster kids and everything.
06:51Be quiet.
06:52Sit down.
06:53Who's ready?
06:54Go fuck yourself.
06:55Go fuck yourself isn't on the menu, Jeanette.
06:58Prawn curry is.
06:59You're weirdo, you're shit goblin.
07:01I guess I'm just scared of seeing his...
07:08His?
07:09Cadaver.
07:10And fear is good.
07:11My ancestors ran away from tigers.
07:12All the fearless fuckers got eaten.
07:13Don't leave things unsaid, son.
07:14When's the last time you told your dad you loved him?
07:16I don't think I ever did.
07:17Stephen!
07:18It never came up.
07:19And then there's this whole unresolved argument you had with him about Fred Perry versus Andy Murray.
07:24We did resolve that.
07:25We agreed to differ.
07:26Was dad still going on about that on his deathbed?
07:27I bet.
07:28Look, we'll leave you to ponder.
07:29You've got till half six.
07:30Then the funeral place shuts.
07:31Do you have any quite strong lager?
07:32Sure.
07:33Hi.
07:34Hi.
07:35Would you mind keeping an eye on my dog?
07:36Not a problem.
07:37Thanks so much.
07:38Your mum's sexy.
07:39Hi.
07:40Hi.
07:41Would you mind keeping an eye on my dog?
07:43Not a problem.
07:44Thanks so much.
07:45Your mum's sexy.
08:03I mean, your owner.
08:07I haven't met your birth mother.
08:09I'm sure she's lovely.
08:13I only wish I could have done more.
08:18You did all you could. No-one else came forward.
08:21You're a good man.
08:24Thank you. I just want to try to make a difference.
08:28I just want to try to make a difference.
08:42Another can of quite strong lager?
08:44No, thanks.
08:45I need to be somewhere, say something to someone.
08:50Do you think she's all right?
08:52Who's all right?
08:52The lady who owns this dog, since she asked me to look after it.
08:55The sexy woman who was sitting over there?
08:59No, didn't notice her.
09:00Well, maybe check the toilet.
09:02I presume she went to the toilet.
09:04There's no-one in the toilet.
09:05We've got one toilet. I was just in there.
09:07There wasn't a sexy woman with me.
09:08Well, I need to go, so I'll leave the dog here,
09:12and I'm guessing she'll come back.
09:14You can't leave your dog here.
09:15As I say, it's not my dog.
09:17As far as I'm concerned, it's your dog.
09:19Not my dog, is it?
09:22Is that piss coming out of its basket?
09:25That would be my guess.
09:30Hi. Sorry. Can I see my dad?
09:33I've just closed up, Stephen, so...
09:35But could I just quickly...?
09:37You can't take your cat in.
09:38It's not my cat, it's my dog.
09:40And it's not my dog.
09:42OK. I'll just miss the start.
09:44Of?
09:45Ah, nothing.
09:45Just going to the theatre with Jill.
09:47We don't get out as much as we'd like to, what with a wheelchair.
09:50I'll text her.
09:51We can download something.
09:53Um...
09:54Now, let me remember the alarm code.
09:57I'm going blank.
09:59Don't want to guess and end up with five squad cars here.
10:01That's happened.
10:02Actually, it's fine.
10:04By the time we get in, you'll be even later,
10:06and I'll be aware of that while looking at the corpse.
10:10Clock ticking, as it were.
10:12So, you go.
10:14Thanks.
10:15And sorry.
10:16But thanks again.
10:28Look, Dad, I didn't get to, you know, say that I...
10:35OK, first of all, I need to clarify the Fred Perry versus Andy Murray thing.
10:40I was talking primarily about temperament.
10:42Perry for all his...
10:44All right, mate?
10:47All right?
10:50Dog piss.
10:51So, Dad, we never...
11:20We both knew, didn't we, that some things are...
11:27Anyway, there's something I need to say.
11:33That I was never able to...
11:37Can't believe Dad is gone.
11:40I mean, Dad.
11:44Best Dad.
11:45Gone.
11:47Yes, Dad...
11:49My Dad has gone.
11:52Look, I was just...
11:53Go ahead, don't mind me.
11:55I was just remembering the wonderful times.
11:57With Dad.
11:59Dear, sweet Dad.
12:01Sorry, do I know you?
12:03Andrew Donnelly.
12:04I'm your brother.
12:06No, you're not.
12:061987, March the 15th to August the 6th, I was your foster brother.
12:11Oh, oh, right, you were one of those.
12:14Yes, of course, I'm Stephen.
12:16I know.
12:17Of course.
12:18You carry on with what you were saying.
12:24No, I...
12:25It's fine.
12:31Bye, Dad.
12:32You meant everything to me, and I'll love and miss you forever.
12:34I popped into the Jombolicorn on the way here.
12:56First time in 30 years.
12:57Wow.
12:58And the big refurb?
13:00Oh, that would be a great idea.
13:01Sooner the better.
13:02Rip out that tired old pine.
13:03Must be killing the walk-in trade.
13:05When was it last time?
13:06They finished last week.
13:08Oh, right.
13:09Yeah, I mean, I probably didn't have enough time to take it all in.
13:12Still surfing my memories.
13:14I got you a Toblerone.
13:16Right.
13:17Thanks.
13:18Toblerone.
13:19Your favourite back in the day.
13:21This is the Toblerone Zone!
13:23Who dares try to enter the Toblerone Zone!
13:36What's the password?
13:38Hi, Dad!
13:39Hey, guys!
13:41I was wondering if you wanted to go to Chessington World of Adventures in my shiny red car.
13:46Yes!
13:46You remember your time with us very vividly.
13:52I kept a diary, which I've typed up and synced across all my devices.
13:56Don't you remember the Toblerone Zone?
13:58Um...
14:00Can I have some help cleaning the beer lines?
14:11They're filthy.
14:12Yep.
14:13Don't eat chocolate in your bedroom, Stephen.
14:15This is the real world, not the Beano.
14:16Science can't explain everything.
14:31Look at the Turin Shroud.
14:32Doctors only know what they've been taught.
14:35Precisely.
14:36Medical science doesn't have all the answers.
14:38If homeopathy works, then it works.
14:41That's my view.
14:41I actually think that the Arnica and Fentanyl did far more to ease Laurie's pain than the
14:46Gullens of Polymorphine.
14:48They swill down his throat.
14:50Oh, excuse me.
14:55Oh, it's good to let yourself cry.
14:58No, this is a reaction.
15:00I mean, to dog hair, not grief.
15:02Although, obviously, I'm grieving, just not to the extent that my eyelids swell up.
15:08I have to say, that dog of yours doesn't appear to be toilet trained.
15:11It's an asthma-causing piss and vomit machine, and there's a reason science has chosen never
15:16to replicate that machine.
15:17Well, still, she's very cute, don't you think, Tom?
15:20Don't like small dogs.
15:21They're not really dogs, are they?
15:23I mean, seeing a big, tall guy, or even a guy your size, Stephen, walking a tiny dog,
15:28it's emasculating, isn't it?
15:35No, I'm fine.
15:38Ooh, Cat Stevens.
15:45The governor.
15:46Laurie loved his 70s sounds.
15:48Mm, terrific tone.
15:50What are you running audio-wise?
15:51Bluetooth speaker, got the iPad hooked up to it, wireless, crystal clear.
15:56How did we manage in the old days?
15:58Vinyls making a comeback.
15:59Yeah.
16:00That cunt.
16:05You're absolutely right.
16:06They're just useless sugar pills.
16:08Yeah.
16:09Homeopathy's hardly Reiki or that thing with the magnets, is it?
16:12Homeopathy's a scam, in my view.
16:14Nice to have Andrew back, isn't it?
16:16He was our favourite foster child.
16:19I know, you're not meant to have favourites, but some of them were genuine arseholes.
16:23He was in touch with Dad on Facebook.
16:25Dad was on Facebook?
16:27220 friends.
16:28Do you not do Facebook, Stephen?
16:30Didn't sign up at first.
16:32Thought I'd miss the boat.
16:33Then most people signed up, and it turned out I hadn't missed the initial boat.
16:36But I definitely had missed that second, much larger boat.
16:39He's done some amazing things, haven't you, Andrew?
16:43Laurie was very impressed.
16:45Said you were a business marvel.
16:47What amazing things.
16:48Nothing, really.
16:49You don't need to list them, Ellen.
16:50He ran a cafe in Sydney, interior designer in Lisbon, photographer, property developer,
16:56managed a reggae band.
16:58They were more heavy scar.
16:59A heavy scar band.
17:00Laurie was bowled over.
17:01When he knew he was on the way out, he wondered whether Andrew might help you out in the transition period.
17:08Sorry, what?
17:10While you're finding your feet with the business, Dad was just aware that, you know, in London, after college,
17:17not that you failed as a lawyer, you didn't fail.
17:20Most of those people got a significant proportion of their money back, and officially, I resigned.
17:25I know.
17:26Dad was just thinking two heads better than one, you know.
17:28Stephen, sorry, you need to...
17:30I think the dog might be dying.
17:32Can you still shit when you're dying?
17:33Very much so.
17:36And you don't remember this Andrew being fostered with you guys at all?
17:39There were so many other fuckers, I lost track.
17:42Like the sugar babes.
17:44I'm afraid your dog isn't well.
17:46It's not actually my dog.
17:48It's a sexy lady's dog.
17:50Not this sexy lady.
17:51I'm not saying I find her sexy.
17:53I mean, I did once, we were married, but we've both totally moved on now, and do go on.
17:59The dog's not well, you say?
18:01I think she has pymetra, a quite serious infection of the uterus.
18:05We're going to need to do a scan to confirm, but if it is pymetra, she'll need an operation as soon as possible.
18:10How much is a scan?
18:12Around £300.
18:13And the operation would be...?
18:15Probably £1,200 plus VAT.
18:17OK.
18:19And the alternative?
18:22If this condition goes untreated, she'll die of septic shock, so the alternative is to euthanise her.
18:28For £50.
18:29That's VAT?
18:30Yes.
18:32Well, there's no question, is there?
18:34Isn't there?
18:35Is there?
18:36It's up to you.
18:37I would make no moral judgement.
18:42Do the scan, and then the operation if you need to.
18:46We'll keep her here, and we'll be in touch.
18:49Right.
18:50Next move.
18:51Andrew.
18:52You can't just waltz in and be a part of everything.
18:54You need to go back home and assert yourself as head of the family.
18:57I will.
18:58I shall.
18:59Captain Assertion.
19:00That was a great thing you've just done for that little dog.
19:03I'm very fond of the dog.
19:05She's a very sweet little dog.
19:09How's the dog?
19:09Fuck the dog.
19:10Come on.
19:11Like the music, lads.
19:12Super 70s.
19:13It's great.
19:14One guy I didn't put on.
19:16Glitter.
19:17Gary Glitter.
19:18Paul Francis Gaddae Squire.
19:20Right.
19:21For obvious reasons.
19:22Do you want to know what I'd do to pedos?
19:23No, I don't.
19:24I would burn them alive.
19:26Yeah, I really don't want this discussion, Geoff.
19:28Not right now.
19:29I would happily pull the lever.
19:31What lever?
19:32But where does a lever come into burning someone alive?
19:35Maybe the lever tips petrol over them while simultaneously striking a match.
19:40So this is some sort of Wilf-Lun contraption for incinerating humans?
19:44Ah-ha.
19:44They're not human, though.
19:45That's the whole fucking thing.
19:48Do you want to know what I'd do to people who batter old folk?
19:51Drown them?
19:52Yeah, I would.
19:54Happily pull the lever.
19:55Yeah.
19:56A lot easier to see how a lever might work in that scenario.
19:58What is this?
20:04What's your game?
20:05There's no game, I promise you.
20:06Is this a con?
20:07Is it a Martin Gare thing?
20:09You've assumed this guy's identity?
20:12The time I lived here was the best five months of my life.
20:15It made me able to go out and, all modesty aside, conquer the world.
20:20You really have put modesty quite a long way over to the side there.
20:24But for all my success, I feel there's something missing.
20:28I need to plug back into the mothership.
20:31This, here, is the closest thing to a family I've ever had.
20:35You.
20:37Dad.
20:37Shut up.
20:38For fuck's sake, stop calling him dad.
20:41This man is my dad.
20:42Okay?
20:43Not yours.
20:44I feel I've hit a nerve.
20:45He wasn't your dad.
20:46He was my fucking dad.
20:48My dead fucking dad.
20:50And you can't appropriate him.
20:52However many fucking countries you've lived in, you massive fucking orphan.
20:57Fuck it all to hell.
20:59Message deleted.
21:00Fuck.
21:01No.
21:01What have I done?
21:02How do I get it back?
21:03I don't think you can get it back.
21:04It deletes it permanently.
21:05What do you mean?
21:06You must be able to get it back.
21:08Isn't it in the cloud?
21:09I thought everything was in the cloud.
21:11Answer machine messages on landlines aren't in the cloud.
21:14Sort of in the same way that Sumerian clay tablets aren't in the cloud.
21:17But it was his last message.
21:20Mum's last link with Dad.
21:22And I've destroyed it.
21:24Are you guys all right?
21:25I heard shouting just now.
21:27We're absolutely fine.
21:28We were shouting with friendship.
21:31Something terrible has happened, Ellen.
21:34Oh, no.
21:35What?
21:36I've accidentally deleted Laurie's last voicemail.
21:42Oh.
21:44I'm so sorry.
21:47No.
21:49Well, I...
21:51He did sound ill on it.
21:53I should remember him as he'd like to be remembered.
21:56Young.
21:57Ambitious.
21:58Charming.
22:00A business marvel.
22:01You're absolutely right, Ellen.
22:03Call me Mum.
22:04Like you used to.
22:08Mum.
22:09Oh.
22:10Is Cass around?
22:12I've got something I need to say to assert to the family.
22:15OK.
22:16And, by the way, it was actually me who did the deleting.
22:19Oh, Stephen.
22:20A dead man's final message.
22:22And I think it was going to be a long time.
22:27Hi, Andrew.
22:28Probably seems small and parochial and a bit shit around here, after all your amazing travelling.
22:33Not at all.
22:34It's exactly as I remember it.
22:35And that's precisely what I need in my life right now.
22:37It has changed a bit.
22:39There's a music festival now every summer.
22:41It has four stages.
22:42Like cancer.
22:43Look, there's something I need to say.
22:45Geoff, can you give us five minutes?
22:47Oh, Michelle.
22:48I needed the lure anyway.
22:49I'll take this.
22:51I love how much you've travelled.
22:52I really wish I'd travelled more when I was young.
22:55You're still young.
22:55I'm not.
22:56You are.
22:57I'm not.
22:58She's 36.
22:59Look, you can't...
23:00You will stay with us for a while, Andrew.
23:02Like Laurie wanted.
23:04Come back to us for a bit.
23:05Would you like me to?
23:06I really, really would.
23:07I mean, we all would, but I really would quite a lot.
23:10No, no, no.
23:10We can't just...
23:11That's very kind.
23:13It's like our...
23:13Oh, fuck yes.
23:15You're fucking me.
23:16Yeah, fuck right there.
23:17Oh, my God.
23:18Oh, fuck.
23:18Oh, yes.
23:19Geoff, turn it off.
23:20It's like our dad said in his last message, isn't it?
23:23No, no, no.
23:23Not our dad.
23:24All there really is is love and family.
23:28You sound just like him.
23:30Oh, my God.
23:31You're going to make me cum.
23:32You're going to make me cum.
23:33Oh, God.
23:34Oh, my God.
23:35I'm cumming.
23:36Make my pussy cum.
23:37Oh, yes.
23:39It does have a terrific tone, though.
23:40Oh, fuck me.
23:41You're fucking me.
23:42You're fucking me.
23:43You're fucking me.
23:43You're fucking me.
23:44You're fucking me.
23:45Don't I'm a bitch?
23:47Give me a drink.
23:49One more night.
23:51But it's camping me.
23:53Don't I'm a bitch?
23:55If I can't get clean.
23:58I'm gonna drink my...
23:59Yeah.
24:01I'm gonna drink my...
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