- 08/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00We'll leave you off and about by tomorrow. He's best man at my wedding.
00:06I'm sorry, but there's no chance of that.
00:07I'm stuffed. Well and truly stuffed.
00:09There's one person you haven't mentioned.
00:14This is Dom, everybody. I'm your best man. You better believe it.
00:17I would be very willing to act as head of security for the wedding.
00:21How come you never got married, Fraser?
00:23Not every soldier who doesn't get married is a poster, you know.
00:26Cassie Turner. She's been stalking me all week.
00:30Will you be okay for tomorrow, Vicar?
00:34They think he might have broken his foot.
00:37We've got a bit poor with him. Just waiting.
00:38I'm Ron. Howard's old man.
00:40I'm Trish. I think you're a lap dancer.
00:42I'd prefer a lap to pole.
00:44Come on then, scaredy cat.
00:44Whoa!
01:00We'll see you next time.
01:14We'll see you next time.
01:17We'll see you next time.
01:18¶¶
01:48Oh, shit.
02:09Well, good morning to you, too.
02:11No, no, I mean, it's bad luck for the bride and grooms to see each other before the ceremony.
02:15Yeah, yeah, yeah, because we've had really good luck so far this week.
02:19Yeah.
02:21How is Granny?
02:23Mum and Dad have been at the hospital all night.
02:26She's still unconscious, but her condition is stable.
02:31Oh.
02:35And the wedding's still on?
02:37Yes.
02:38Good.
02:42Here we are, then.
02:43The big day.
02:46Yeah.
02:48The big commitment.
02:51Uh-huh.
02:51The big jump into the unhound.
02:54Yeah.
02:55The big...
02:55Howard.
02:56Sorry.
03:04Well, see you later, then.
03:05At the church.
03:07It's a good place.
03:08Yes.
03:13Oh.
03:17Morning, Fraser.
03:24Doesn't seem to be any cereal.
03:25Good job.
03:25Ha-ha.
03:31Wheater pizza's all gone.
03:35Need something for the old butterflies in the tummy.
03:37Look, Fraser, when I said yesterday about you being a man's man, I didn't mean to imply that you were a man's man.
03:47I meant more that you're a man's man.
03:50And of course you're not.
03:52You were a lieutenant colonel in the SAS, for God's sake.
03:54I mean, the idea's preposterous.
03:56How did you know?
03:59What?
04:01I've had these feelings for years.
04:04I've lived at them day and night, and I've tried to keep them hidden.
04:10Do you know what it's like to live alive?
04:13The shame!
04:16Oh, it's enough to make you want to end it all.
04:20I think I might make myself a sandwich.
04:21It started in Rhodesia.
04:23We had a chap in the company, Corporal Bellamy.
04:26His name was Can't have been more than 20.
04:29Pretty girlish face, but with muscles.
04:32Did you like a sandwich?
04:33Got bitten by a scorpion in the jungle when he was asleep.
04:38I had to suck the poison out of his thigh.
04:40This ham?
04:43The sweet, sweaty smell of his flesh.
04:47Or, uh...
04:48Tom?
04:50It was rising up in mid this strange feeling of desire.
04:54Over the ham.
04:55Don't tell anyone, still, please.
04:58Promise you won't tell anyone.
05:01I won't.
05:10What?
05:21We're two hours behind.
05:24I should have been blown-bried by Sonia by now.
05:27Morning, Howard.
05:28And where are the florists?
05:30I don't see the florists.
05:31Any developments on Granny?
05:34She's still comatose.
05:36Oh, good.
05:37Sorry, that didn't really come out quite right.
05:39It's just that, you know, we all thought she might be dead, so, uh...
05:42Comatose is quite good, isn't it?
05:47Did I...
05:47do any other damage?
05:50Her sternum has penetrated her lung.
05:52Oh, God.
05:54Her clavicle is cracked.
05:56I see.
05:58She's broken two ribs.
06:00Uh-huh.
06:00Her duodenum is ruptured.
06:02The spleen is bleeding internally.
06:04And she has contusions on her chest consistent with being stood on by someone with size nine feet.
06:12Apart from that, she's okay?
06:14She's breathing.
06:16Just.
06:17Oh, well.
06:19That's something.
06:20Sonia's done a lovely job with Mel's hair.
06:23The video man's got it all on film.
06:25Now, I've told him to concentrate on Mel until we're dressed.
06:30What happened to your suit?
06:32Oh, I know.
06:33I must have picked up the wrong one from Ben's flat.
06:34But I'm going to ask Eve to sort me out another one.
06:45Did a great job there, Dick.
06:48Well, the wall's looking good.
06:49You might want to get changed yourself, Dick.
06:55I've got to be at the church in two hours.
06:58I'm not going anywhere.
07:00What?
07:04You've groped my wife.
07:06You've killed our dog.
07:08And now you've hospitalised my mother.
07:10The wedding's off.
07:17What?
07:18I'm not giving away my daughter to the man who killed my mother.
07:21I didn't kill her.
07:22Howard's right.
07:23She's not dead.
07:24Look, I'm not getting into a semantic discussion about how close to death my mother is.
07:27The fact is, she's in intensive care and it's due to him.
07:30Come on, Dad.
07:31Look, I know it's upsetting, but I'm sure Granny would want the wedding to go on.
07:35Oh, you know that, don't you?
07:36What a shame we can't ask her, because she's unconscious.
07:39Dick, we have to have the wedding.
07:41There's 150 turbots in phyllo pastry.
07:44What?
07:44They have to be eaten up.
07:46We can't just leave them.
07:48Oh, come on, Dick.
07:49Look, we've come this far.
07:50Look, if you all think I'm going to stand up in front of my friends and family
07:54and make a speech about how wonderful Howard is
07:56and how proud I am to have him as my son-in-law
07:58when my mother's lying in a hospital bed on a life support machine
08:01because he's been tap-dancing all over her chest,
08:05then you've got another thing coming.
08:07Dick, think of the turbots.
08:08Angela, he's a bloody murderer.
08:10I'm not a murderer.
08:11She's alive.
08:13Technically, anyway, it would be manslaughter.
08:15You should know that.
08:16You're a judge.
08:17Those turbots won't keep and my chest freezer's full.
08:20Dad, you can't cancel the wedding.
08:23I'm not turning up the church, I can tell you that.
08:25The meringues I can cope with, but the turbots.
08:27Angela, shut up about the turbots.
08:29What are you doing?
08:40Sorry, is this not a good time?
08:42No, it's not.
08:43Right, it's just that I was told to follow you around and not miss a thing.
08:48Can't you film the marquee or something?
08:51Fine, yes, I'll just...
08:53Look, Dick, it's been a stressful week for all of us.
09:04You're tired, you're fed up.
09:06I understand that.
09:08What you need is a nice cup of tea.
09:10I don't want a cup of tea.
09:11Make you feel better.
09:12I don't want anything from you.
09:14I don't want you as my son-in-law.
09:15Oh, God!
09:19Mel!
09:22Dick!
09:26Mel!
09:29Mel?
09:34Mel!
09:35Mel!
09:37Mel!
09:38Mel!
09:39Can I have a word?
09:41Oh, don't tell me there's a problem with the turbots.
09:44No, they're fine.
09:45I was just speaking to the video man, and he seemed to think that the wedding might be off.
09:49No, no, don't be so silly.
09:51Everything's fine.
09:52Everything's fine.
09:53Right.
09:54Emotions are running a bit high, that's all.
09:55It's all the excitement.
09:57What on earth gave you that idea?
09:58Well, he said your husband had accused the groom of murdering his mother.
10:02It's just that if there is a problem, we might be able to rescue some of the...
10:05No, there's no problem.
10:05Let's just stick to the schedule.
10:07Meet and greet, lime with canopies and champagne after we come back from church.
10:11Mrs Cook.
10:11Then everyone's seated by two.
10:13Smoked chicken and turbot in the ranks.
10:16What will be, Melissa?
10:17Mrs Cook, the bride is just driving off in my van.
10:32Mel's not in her room.
10:35She's gone off in the catering van.
10:38What?
10:38Or was she gone?
10:39I don't know.
10:40She's taken the turbots.
10:51Dick's locked himself in.
10:52Oh, what?
10:54Dick, come on.
10:56Go away.
10:57Look, the wedding starts in just over an hour.
10:59Look, we've all had a bad week.
11:04I mean, Dick, come on.
11:06It's your daughter's wedding.
11:07It's going to look very odd if you are not there.
11:10Everyone's coming.
11:11All those friends and relatives.
11:12The Harper's from Dublin.
11:15The Harper's from Dublin?
11:19John and Eileen from Turkey.
11:21John and Eileen all the way from Turkey.
11:23Turkey?
11:23From Turkey.
11:25Keep coming.
11:25Keep coming.
11:26The Toronto cooks.
11:28The Tonto cooks?
11:29Toronto.
11:30The Toronto cooks.
11:32Speak up a bit.
11:33The Toronto cooks all the way from?
11:35Toronto.
11:37Exactly.
11:38I mean, you know,
11:39I mean,
11:40it's going to be very embarrassing
11:41if there's a wedding and you're not there.
11:42What are we going to say to them all?
11:47Dick, come out!
11:49All right, Dick, come on.
11:57What can I do to make it up to you?
12:08I'm not sure that's physically possible, Dick.
12:10I've got less.
12:15Sorry.
12:20I'm not sure.
12:20Maybe.
12:22What?
12:24If that's a!
12:25I'm not sure.
12:25I'm not.
12:26I'm not sure.
12:26I'm not sure what we're doing to make it up to you.
12:29But with the name of George,
12:30George,
12:36we've been giving me internet for free purposes.
12:38Are you good?
12:39Oh, what time is it?
12:48Well, it's time you were here. That's what time it is. We've got to go and find Mel now.
12:51Oh, God.
12:52What?
12:53Not you. What were you saying?
12:57Where are you?
12:58Oh, I'll be with you in about three minutes.
13:01Don?
13:02Yeah.
13:03This is Sophie's room.
13:07Morning.
13:14Come on!
13:19Come on!
13:24We've got a wedding in there now and no bride!
13:28What the hell are you wearing?
13:30You can talk.
13:31What, haven't you got any shoes?
13:33No.
13:34Not at all?
13:35No.
13:36Smart shoes?
13:37No.
13:38Oh, for Christ's sake, Dom!
13:39Hey!
13:40Chill out now.
13:41I'm not a screaming lord such as my best man!
13:47Where are we going?
13:48I don't know.
13:49We're just going to drive around, see if we can spot her.
13:53What the hell were you doing with Sophie?
13:55Hey, I tell you, she is one wild lady.
13:58Just keep your hands off her, will you?
13:59Why?
14:00I'm in enough trouble with Dick and Angela as it is.
14:02Without my best man defiling their one remaining daughter!
14:05I tell you, if Mel is anything like her sister, you are one lucky dog.
14:10Oh no!
14:11Oh no!
14:12Oh no, no, no, no, no, no!
14:25What a stupid place to put a wall.
14:27Oh no, no!
14:28It wasn't me!
14:29It was Tom!
14:30See?
14:31It's his car!
14:32It's Tom's car!
14:33Honestly!
14:34Oh no, no, no, no!
14:35It wasn't me!
14:36It was Tom!
14:37See?
14:38It's his car!
14:39It's Tom's car!
14:40Honestly!
14:41Oh, Granny, I'm so sorry.
14:43This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and you're in here.
14:59Inches from Dad.
15:00And Dad's threatening to call the whole thing open.
15:04I don't think I can take much more.
15:09Granny, please.
15:14Please wake up.
15:17What are you doing?
15:28Mrs Cook.
15:29She told me to capture the whole day.
15:32But not this!
15:33Right.
15:34She was very explicit.
15:35Just go!
15:36Just go!
15:37Morning, Angela!
15:38Morning, Ron!
16:09I'll give you a picture.
16:10Ah!
16:11Do you like it?
16:12I made it myself.
16:13Um, for a routine I did in a club up Deptford.
16:17The Blue Horn.
16:18Do you know it?
16:19Er, no.
16:20I don't believe so.
16:21Right.
16:22Where's Howard?
16:23I thought I'd take him for a swift pint.
16:24His last one was a free man.
16:26I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
16:28Mill's driven off somewhere and Dick's locked himself in his study.
16:32You know, Granny, you've always been an inspiration to me.
16:39It can't have been easy for you, what with your first husband committing suicide like that.
16:45And then the way you soldiered on after Grandad died.
16:50I mean, to have a second husband top himself as well.
16:56I thought you coped wonderfully well because people did say some very hurtful things.
17:03I mean, to get to my age, you don't care what people say.
17:07Granny, you're alive!
17:09Just about.
17:11No thanks to your sodding fiancé.
17:19I thought I saw her, that's all.
17:20Oh!
17:21You thought you saw her in that café and then when she wasn't there,
17:23you still decided to queue up and get yourself a cup of coffee?
17:27Maybe she's done a runner.
17:29Look, will you just drive me to the church?
17:32People are going to be arriving.
17:34I've got cold feet about the thought of spending the rest of my life with you.
17:37Couldn't face it!
17:39Watch it!
17:41Sorry.
17:42Now, have you got the ring?
17:51Please tell me you've got the ring!
17:54I've got the ring.
17:56Oh, see?
17:57I knew you'd work out as best, man.
17:59What about the buttonholes?
18:01Oh, shit!
18:02Sorry, Al, man.
18:03Never mind.
18:04Have you got the church seating plan?
18:06Shit!
18:07Sorry, Al, man.
18:08The parking plan?
18:10Yeah.
18:11Got that.
18:16Shit!
18:17Sorry, Al, man.
18:18Put it up full fast.
18:19Turn it up to four.
18:20Howard!
18:21Quartz!
18:22Oh, hello, Vicar.
18:23Haven't we been lucky with the weather?
18:24What the hell's going on?
18:25It's complete chaos.
18:26Nobody knows where to sit.
18:27Nobody knows where to park.
18:28Don't worry, Vicar.
18:29I'm here now.
18:30There's another wedding at 2 o'clock, you know.
18:31Mum, it's me.
18:32Yeah, no, I'm fine.
18:33Look, I'm at the hospital.
18:36Yeah, yeah, no.
18:37What?
18:38Oh, hello, Vicar.
18:39I've got to go.
18:40OK, oh, OK.
18:41Oh, well, well, I'm the only one.
18:43I'm the only one.
18:44I'm the only one.
18:45I'm the only one.
18:46How well?
18:47How well?
18:48What?
18:49What?
18:50Oh, hello, Vicar.
18:51Haven't we been lucky with the weather?
18:52What the hell's going on?
18:53It's complete chaos.
18:54Nobody knows where to sit.
18:55Nobody knows where to park.
18:56Don't worry, Vicar.
18:57I'm here now.
18:58There's another wedding at 2 o'clock, you know.
18:59Mum, it's me.
19:00Yeah, no, I'm fine.
19:01Yeah, yeah, no, I'm fine, and I've got some great news.
19:05Granny's woken up.
19:07Yeah, it's wonderful. It's just going to be all right.
19:10Yeah, no, of course I'm coming. Tell Howard I'm on my way.
19:14Yeah, I'll see you at the church.
19:16Yeah, yeah, the tuppets are fine.
19:20Hello, I'm Fraser Cook, head of security.
19:22Bride or groom?
19:23Great.
19:31Dick, open the door.
19:40You tell him, Ron.
19:41Look, I've got family coming from Enfield for this.
19:44They're expecting a do. We're all expecting a do.
19:47My daughter's not marrying your hopeless, low-life, good-for-nothing son.
19:53That's a bit harsh, Dick.
19:55My son's got a scholarship to the grammar school.
19:58He's got O-levels, he's got A-levels.
20:00He's got a degree from Reading University.
20:03He's a turd.
20:04He's got a degree from Reading University.
20:21Oh, no, no, no, no.
20:21Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:26Cheers, Howard. Cheers for making me wear this dress.
20:42I've always wanted to look like a hovercraft with my two little matching life rafts.
20:47Sophie, you look lovely.
20:49Are you trying to check me up again, Howard?
20:51For God's sake, Sophie, I'm about to get married.
20:53You are so sick.
20:55Look, I'm not trying to chat you up or come on to you or hit on you or flirt with you or anything like that, okay?
21:00I don't want sex with you!
21:07Well?
21:07Well what?
21:08Is it going to be a wedding or not?
21:09Yes, of course it's going to be a wedding!
21:13Sorry, Vicar, I didn't mean to...
21:14I don't need this, you know.
21:17I'd be perfectly happy at home with my foot up watching the football scores on CFAX.
21:21Look, she's going to be here any minute.
21:22She's 35 minutes late.
21:25I think you'd better tell them something.
21:35Excuse me, everybody.
21:36I know that many of you have travelled a very long way for this, from Toronto, Enfield.
21:49So, thank you.
21:53In case you're wondering, there's been a tiny delay.
21:57Bride's prerogative, of course.
22:00But, er...
22:01Not to worry, though.
22:02I can assure you, she will be arriving very shortly.
22:06In the meantime, while you're waiting, you might like to enjoy the beautiful architecture here in the church.
22:18Er...
22:19It was built many years ago, so it's pretty old, I think you'll agree.
22:28Er...
22:29The windows on both sides depict, um...
22:32Various events.
22:34Er...
22:36Columns.
22:38So, any minute now, we'll get this show on the road.
22:39Thanks for your patience.
22:40I've got the dog.
22:41What?
22:42I've got the dog.
22:43What?
22:44I've got the dog.
22:45The replacement Scotty.
22:46When do you want it?
22:47Not now.
22:48Right.
22:50Er...
22:55He's still in there?
22:56Stuck-up twat.
22:57What?
22:58Dick!
22:59He's alright, dick and all.
23:00Dad?
23:01These cooks in there lardy-dar ways.
23:03Not here, Dad.
23:06Bastard!
23:07And I'll tell you, you know...
23:09Stuck-up twat-up.
23:11You're not here, Dad. Bastard! Keep your thoughts down.
23:14At least Mel's on her way. What?
23:16Yeah, she phoned Angela. Shouldn't be long.
23:18Oh, that's fantastic. Oh, ha-ha-ha. Thanks, Dad.
23:27Mel's on her way!
23:29Ha-ha! Mel's coming!
23:41Thank God. Thank you so much, Dick.
23:53I'm doing it for Angela. Fine. Fine.
23:56The turbots. She's gone to a lot of trouble.
23:58She has. She has.
24:00And my mother has regained consciousness.
24:01Oh, that's wonderful. I knew she would.
24:04Any sign of Mel?
24:05Uh, not yet, but, uh, I think we should take up our positions.
24:09So you're dying to turn up, then?
24:10Oh, leave it, Ron.
24:11Good of you. Good of you to put in an appearance.
24:13Oh, do be quiet. Don't tell me to be quiet.
24:15I won't tell you to be quiet.
24:16No, you won't tell me to be quiet.
24:18Leave it, Ron. It's not worth it.
24:20For God's sake, Dad.
24:23The other wedding is arriving in precisely five minutes.
24:26Yes! Yes, she's going to be here any second.
24:29Go on, you can start doing your stuff.
24:40Welcome to St. Margaret's.
24:48So sorry to keep you waiting.
24:50Nothing to do with me, I can assure you.
24:52Now, before we start, would everyone please switch off their mobile phones?
25:04Also, no confetti or rice is to be thrown inside or outside the church.
25:08And if one of the little ones here at the service does begin to cry uncontrollably,
25:14please do take him or her out.
25:16But it can be very tiresome.
25:33Oh, sorry.
25:38Excuse me.
25:43I'm sorry.
25:46What the hell is going on?
26:13Bloody Cassie just tried to marry me.
26:15You don't need luck to up the pyre.
26:16The poor girl's finally come to her senses.
26:18She's realized she can do better than you.
26:21Give him the bloody keys!
26:23If you lay a finger on Mel, I'll bloody kill you!
26:26Can we all sit and calm down?
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