- 2 days ago
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00:00¶¶
00:30Hello? Hello? If anyone can hear me, I've finished sleeping.
00:50Hello?
01:00Look, sweetheart, before we part, can I just say this?
01:08The precious time we've spent together, the wild and passionate love we have for each other,
01:14have affected me in ways that only a skilled acrobat could really experience.
01:19I mean, that trick you do with a melon and your musket is just wonderful.
01:24But as you leave for America to boldly fight whoever it is,
01:29you're boldly fighting there at the moment, please remember this.
01:33If, on a dark and windswept morn, you should find yourself in a boggy ditch
01:38with half your head shot off and your brains dripping from a nearby tree
01:43and you're totally and utterly dead, it matters not,
01:48because there will always be a place in my heart lovingly inscribed with the name Dominic...
01:55Didier. Didier! Didier!
01:58Sorry, I always forget that, yeah.
02:01I thought Didier was the blonde one, actually.
02:03That's a victoire.
02:04Oh, was it? Oh, right.
02:05So who's the other one I had, then, with the lovely big gorgeous bulgy thighs?
02:08Who was that?
02:09Julian.
02:10Oh, yeah, Julian Desir. Yeah, he was the best.
02:13Oh, yeah. He's a right raver, isn't he?
02:16Look, I've got a dash now, though.
02:18All right, thanks. Bye, though.
02:20Bye.
02:21Oh, God, bye.
02:22Yeah.
02:23Bye.
02:24It's all right. Everything's under control. She's back.
02:33Yes. At the risk of sounding grossly pertinent, might one ask where you are back from?
02:40Well, officially, I was visiting my aged father in Aix-d'en-la-jambe.
02:47Unofficially, of course, I was round the corner in the army barracks having two days of solid rum-po.
02:53Yes.
02:54I trust there have been no difficulty in my absence, as we say here in 18th-century France?
03:00Erm, yes.
03:04We're breaking expensive ornaments!
03:07Oh, my God, what? What? What?
03:09Perhaps I should explain.
03:12As you know, many of our valiant and beautifully turned-out fighting men...
03:16Steady.
03:18...are currently embarking for America.
03:20Naturally, I would love to go and die with them, but I feel it my duty to stay here and sew frocks for victory.
03:28Now, since I had no idea you would be off comforting the troops in your own special way,
03:34I made a brief journeyette to wave a hanky for France myself.
03:39The upshot being that while you were away, I was also not entirely here.
03:44And Madame was left to...
03:47fend for herself.
03:50Fend for herself.
03:53Good morning, mistress. Rise and shine. I'll just go and get your frock.
03:57Missette!
03:59Tragic blunder, I know, forgive me, I can't...
04:02Do you know how long I have been waiting to get up?
04:05I know, I know.
04:06Three days!
04:07I very nearly dressed myself.
04:14Tragedy, tragedy, mistress.
04:17I've said it before.
04:19What is the point in having servants if they all just bugger off whenever it takes their fancy?
04:24Fancy.
04:25If I might offer a...
04:30Then what's that man, rope to a barrel and cast as repped off the coast of Lesbos?
04:35You know, what if there had been a fire?
04:40I know.
04:41I would have been burnt to a quisp.
04:44I'd just be a small pile of teeth and a smoky black smudge on the ceiling now, wouldn't I?
04:50Yes.
04:53You see that vase?
04:54What, this one?
04:55Mm-hm.
04:56Mm-hm.
04:57I, the Contes de Vache, intimate friend of its majesty, King Louis the 14th, 15th...
05:0516th.
05:07I, who are very aristocratic personages, have had to squat on that vase.
05:13I think I've almost certainly killed the daffodils.
05:22They're not the happiest doublooms, no.
05:26Still, everything is now a pret-a-porter.
05:29So, if Madame would care to rise...
05:32Er, no, no, no, no.
05:33Well, what time is it?
05:34Well, it's ten of the o'clock.
05:35I can't now, can I?
05:37No-one of my status gets up before one of the o'clock at the earliest.
05:41Yes.
05:42Well, that is true, yes.
05:44Is that breakfast aledible?
05:46No?
05:47Well, the, er, maggots seem to think so.
05:50Er, I'll have some of that, don't throw it away.
05:52All right.
05:53I'll have some of that.
05:54But I think now I should just, just rest.
05:56Yes, you should.
05:57You're exhausted, aren't you?
05:58Yes, I am.
05:59That's it, dear.
06:01There you go.
06:02There you go.
06:04Lisette?
06:05Yes?
06:06Make sure I'm not disturbed.
06:07I don't have any disturbances.
06:08That's right.
06:09And sleep.
06:11I did not say your mistress was plain, sir.
06:18She'd have to be much more attractive to be plain.
06:21Who insults my mistress insults me, la biche?
06:24Well, there is little difference between you, sir.
06:28Except, of course, the Comtesse de Vache's legs are hairier.
06:31As Madame de Plange's couturier, I have to tell you, her thighs are smooth as silk.
06:39Of course they are, love.
06:40They're always rubbing up against someone's moustache.
06:42Oh, well, speaking of moustaches, sir.
06:43Has your mistress shaved hers off yet?
06:45Nothing!
06:46Be on your guard, sir.
06:47We shall meet again.
06:48Minty-ponce!
06:49Moustache!
06:50Moustache!
06:51Moustache!
06:52Moustache!
06:53Moustache!
06:54Moustache!
06:55Moustache!
06:56Moustache!
06:57Moustache!
06:58Moustache!
06:59Moustache!
07:00Moustache!
07:01Moustache!
07:02Moustache!
07:03Moustache!
07:04Moustache!
07:05Monsieur Beufo!
07:07Moustache!
07:08Oh, my!
07:10How unhappy you seem!
07:14Something of a sexual nature, possibly.
07:16No, no!
07:19Or perhaps, you're simply upset your mistress has lost her entire fortune
07:24and will shortly have to leave the palace and live among all the poor people
07:28whom God loves above all others
07:31and therefore gave them leprosy so they'd have less chance of catching syphilis.
07:35Excuse me, the Comtesse de Vache has lost her fortune?
07:38In a wager.
07:40With the Marquise de Fufu.
07:42Oh, everyone is quite distraught.
07:45My dear Maman de Plange had tears rolling down her face
07:49from what can only be described as a sympathetic bout of hysterical laughter.
07:54I had to the best of my memory no wager with the Marquise de Fufu.
08:01You do not realise, sir, that my mistress abhors gambling?
08:05I do!
08:06And don't tell me she doesn't because I have seen her abhorring it in many, many gambling houses.
08:10And if my entire fortune is forfeit, where is the evidence?
08:15There is none. None whatsoever at all, none.
08:18Does the Marquise have in her possession anything attesting to this supposed wager?
08:22No. No, she does not. Nothing.
08:24Has she, for instance, a legally binding document, perhaps?
08:29Signed by Madame's personal hand?
08:31Sealed with her very own cross swords and rampant cows?
08:35No. No?
08:37Yes. Yes, she does.
08:38She does. She's got the evidence.
08:40What says who? Who says that? Who, who, who, who?
08:43She does. She says it herself.
08:45She lies.
08:46Fuck it! I'm ugly and destined for the lie.
08:49Well, I'm afraid she's shown it to rather a lot of people.
08:52Oh, she has, has she?
08:53Oh, she has, has she?
08:55Oh, there is only one thing for it.
08:57One thing! That's all there is for it.
08:59I shall have to go back on the game, and my mistress will have to slit her own throat until all the blood is spurting out.
09:04No, that is not the thing. That is wrong.
09:07We shall go to the Marquis and demand to see the document.
09:15Now, the Marquis de Fufu's apartments are in the west wing.
09:19This way.
09:20Second floor.
09:23Right, Madame.
09:24And then off to the right here.
09:27Oh, Madame!
09:34Oh, yes, yes!
09:39Reverse your mistress, Labiche.
09:41The Marquis de Flange reverses for no one, sir.
09:44My dear Colombine.
09:46So sad to hear about your financial embarrassment.
09:49If I can help out with a small loan, please feel free to grovel, plead or beg.
09:55I'm happy to say Madame de Flange, that my fortune is still my own.
09:59Not a mention a hundred times bigger than yours.
10:03Labiche, labiche.
10:04Beuva, beuva.
10:07Pull in, sir.
10:08Pull in, or we shall run you down.
10:10Reverse, sir.
10:11Aye, sir.
10:14You see, it's just this kind of hanky-flapping that gives people like us a bad name.
10:19Oh!
10:20Is it?
10:21Then how about this, then?
10:22There just aren't enough hours in my life for this much mincing.
10:27A small obstruction!
10:32Here we go.
10:33First, first!
10:35First, first!
10:37First, first!
10:38First, first!
10:40Here we are.
10:41Now we shall see.
10:42We certainly shall.
10:43Come on, knock, knock.
10:45Hmm.
10:46There's no answer.
10:47I hope nothing is horribly wrong.
10:48Hello, my dear!
10:49It's only me!
10:50Do you know, I can sense something is horrifyingly and bummerably amiss.
10:51I'm going in.
10:52Does that call door?
10:53Door?
10:54Oh!
10:55Ah!
10:56Oh!
10:57Oh!
10:58Oh!
10:59Gigi!
11:00It's just me.
11:01Come to check that nothing grim and gruesomely untoward has happened.
11:03Oh!
11:04Look!
11:05Oh!
11:10Oh!
11:11Oh!
11:12Look!
11:13Oh!
11:14Look!
11:15Oh!
11:16Oh!
11:17Oh!
11:18Now look!
11:20Oh!
11:21Oh!
11:22It's just me!
11:26Oh!
11:26Now look!
11:28Oh!
11:29She's dead!
11:30Oh dear!
11:31Oh!
11:32There's a mystery we'll probably never ever get to the bottom of
11:46So lunch I think
11:50Small salad
11:53Yes, no beetroot. No, and no tomatoes. They're quite reminiscent
11:58Should we raise the alarm?
12:02Is it worth it? I mean
12:10It's the old sad story monsieur
12:13Woman no longer in the flower of her youth frigid about this frigid frigid
12:21Which in future years will come to be regarded as a perfectly acceptable alternative lifestyle
12:26But in these dark times is simply a cabaret act on a Friday night in the coaching horses
12:32I'm so depressed and dare I say it, pug-nosed
12:37She sits into a bottomless well of pug-nosed frigid
12:43Lesbionic despair
12:45As you would
12:46Grabs an axe and chops herself into these these fourteen-ish pieces
12:52It's the classic suicide scenario
12:55I see no problem
12:56It's murder anyone can see the woman looks like a steak tartare
13:00What you want me to do about it monsieur put her back together?
13:05Compared to what she used to look like this is the equivalent of a makeover
13:13I must insist on informing the proper authorities
13:16She won't thank you when they all come and throw up on her carpets
13:22Might this not be an opportune moment to
13:26Cherchez le document?
13:28What?
13:29To look for the document
13:31Eh, don't worry about that
13:32No, to be on the safe side, come on
13:34You won't find anything, I'm positive
13:36We've found it!
13:37I have another theory
13:39How dreadful it must have been
13:43Of course, you must promise not to upset me with all the grisly, revolting details
13:49I'm sure I should swoon
13:51Or vomit
13:52Probably both
13:54Although, I suspect if one's swooning and one's breakfast shoots violently out of one's mouth and nose
14:02Things run to one's senses
14:04How have you heard that?
14:06I'm rather upset at the moment
14:08Then I must cheer you up with some light conversation
14:12Was the corpse hideously decayed or merely in the first stages of putrefaction?
14:19My own loss because she was carried out in six buckets
14:23The important thing is, you promptly informed the authorities
14:28Yes, yes, I did
14:30And at this early stage of enquiries, does the finger of suspicion point to any particular evil, corrupt and different?
14:38Depraved person
14:48Ideally, of course, I'm looking for a job in the domestic sector
14:52You know, gentlemen's plaything, something like that
14:56So if you hear of something
14:58I mean, obviously, I'm going to stay with Madame until all hope is lost
15:01So anything after Friday should be perfect
15:03Madame!
15:04I'm happy to say everyone is rooting for you
15:08Big, huge loyalty coming your way
15:11Have you seen these?
15:12Yes
15:14It's iron
15:15I know
15:15Iron shackles
15:16With my skin tone
15:18Ridiculous
15:20With this horrible wall
15:22Hmm?
15:23Monsieur, I am a contest
15:25I demand to be chained to a nicer wall
15:28Did you bring it?
15:30Did you bring it?
15:31Yes, I brought it
15:32Well, hurry up, hurry up
15:33No time for waste
15:34Oh, oh
15:35Oh, I know
15:36I mean, they say the rack's inhumane
15:39But you try slipping these for hours on end
15:41Oh
15:42And how one is supposed to do one's business, I don't know
15:46Am I a beast, monsieur, that I must stand here with groaning underwear?
15:52Calmé-vous, mistress
15:56For I have managed to obtain the key to your manacles
15:59Oh, excellent
16:00Oh, yeah
16:01I put it down here
16:02Oh, quickly
16:03Hi
16:04Come on
16:05Come on
16:06Come on
16:08Come on
16:09Come on
16:10Come on
16:11Diddy-doody
16:13You know when you was, like, down there earlier
16:16You didn't find a key, did you?
16:18No?
16:19You sure?
16:20Oh, you dirty little bugger
16:24Honestly, he's a devil, that one
16:26He's got a lovely balsam, though
16:27I'd like to bite it
16:30There
16:31Ah, madame
16:33I was hoping I might catch you in
16:36What do you want?
16:37Well, feeling, as one does, a tad responsible for your present predicament
16:43And given that you might, one hopes and praise beat the rap
16:47I would like to present you with a small token of my personal ass-
16:51Bitch!
16:52Bitch!
16:53Yes, thank you
16:54And inform you that-
16:56Murdering snot rag!
16:58Evil and venomous lump of cockerel shit!
17:02Everyone is rooting for you
17:04Slag!
17:05Oh!
17:06Oh!
17:07Oh!
17:08Oh, mongerer!
17:09Oh, is that enough, dear?
17:10We should be late for mass
17:11Oh, my goodness, say we shall
17:15Come on, reset, reset
17:17Oh, sorry, sorry
17:18Oh, mongerer
17:20Wow, I've never mongered a whore in my life
17:24I wouldn't have had a monger one even if she had a sign around her neck saying mongering a speciality
17:30Yes, expert mongeree
17:32I mean, does everyone think I'm guilty?
17:34No, no, no, no, no, no, oh, no, no, no
17:37Lots of people are prepared to reserve judgement
17:40Just so long as your head gets chopped off
17:43Is that the petition for my release there?
17:47Yes, yes, it is, madam, yes
17:49I did as you instructed and went round the palace
17:52As you can see, there was an overwhelming response
17:56Yes, plenty of names
17:58Yes, if a list of names will secure your freedom, we've got names
18:03Oh, well done!
18:04Aha, let me look
18:05No, no, no, no, no
18:08Wendy and Misty and old Arrows
18:11Oh, friends of yours, madam
18:13Oh, Grace, Mokeem
18:17Mary Legs
18:20Mary Legs
18:21What's that?
18:22What's that?
18:23These names are, er...
18:25Mainly horses, madam
18:28Yes, but they all love you and they're very upset
18:32Well, it's a giddy-up and stinker
18:34Yes, both angrily refusing their oats and sympathy
18:38Well, they're no people
18:39People?
18:40People, madam, how do you mean people?
18:41Important personages
18:42Oh, humans?
18:43Yes, archbishops
18:45Popes
18:46Anyone unaccustomed to nose bags and having an arm shoved up the backside
18:51I shouldn't think so, not amongst the clergy, ma'am
18:54What's the matter with people?
18:57I know your secrets!
18:59I mean, do they not fear me?
19:00My tongue is a cocked weapon!
19:02Do they not quiver with dread at the scandal I might disclose if I'm not released immediately?
19:08I think they do, yes
19:10Well, what are they going to do about it?
19:12Well, what are they going to do about it?
19:13I must compliment you on your dungeon, monsieur
19:27How gratifying to know that when it comes to a nauseating stink, we French really lead the way
19:36I was wondering if Madame was awake yet?
19:39Oh, you mean is the murdering bitch awake yet?
19:42Yes, that's the one
19:44She's having breakfast
19:45Now, there's lots of fish bits in this
19:48So if you get a bone stuck, just say
19:53Want more? Want more? Want more?
19:56There we go
19:57Ah, Madame!
19:58You're looking...
20:00Well
20:02Madame is not at all well
20:04In fact, she caught a very nasty head cold last night, didn't you love her?
20:07See?
20:08See?
20:09I hear she has elected to conduct her own defence
20:13She most certainly has
20:14And I'm sure she will prove her innocence to everyone's complete satisfaction
20:19So long as nobody mentions the axe
20:23Axe?
20:25Anyone as interested in forestry as my mistress would be bound to have a very large blood-stained axe
20:30Wrapped up in a sack under their mattress
20:33We have decided that this little piece of evidence is not relevant to the case
20:39And since you are the one responsible for Madame's sojourn here, we have decided you are the one to get rid of it
20:45I'm sure you have no end of friends in need of a big chopper
20:52Mistress, mistress
20:54She can't hear me
20:56Mistress
20:58No word from Monsieur Buffon, but he's on his way
21:00Courage
21:01Oh
21:15I know those lovely bulgy thighs
21:17It's Julien!
21:20I am the investigating officer, Madame Julien Desir
21:24Remove the mask
21:25What the hell?
21:26You can't hear me
21:29Do you recollect me, sir?
21:30You...
21:31Shh...
21:33Shh...
21:40Soup...
21:43And mucus...
21:45Supermucus...
21:47Ha...
21:48Where is Bufar?
22:07I know not.
22:08We'll try and string it out.
22:11What were your movements on the day of August the 15th?
22:14Well?
22:18I had a small one in a vase, you say?
22:25Oh, no, no, no, no!
22:27He means, what was Madame doing all day?
22:30Well, I keep telling you I was in bed!
22:34You were not visited by the Marquise de Fou-Fou?
22:38I was, to the best of my memory, not visited...
22:45I put it to you, Madame, that you then placed your bosoms on a balance
22:49to prove they were bigger.
22:52Ridiculous! No, no, no!
22:55And when the Marquise did the same,
22:58was the counterweight not flung 40 yards out of a window,
23:01fatally injuring a horse?
23:04It was a very old horse.
23:06You could have stunned it with a croissant, monsieur.
23:09I suppose that her bosom was any bigger than mine.
23:11I mean, did you ever see that woman?
23:13I mean...
23:17Oh, dear, she suddenly fainted.
23:20Adjourn.
23:22We now turn to...
23:26We now turn to the day of the crime.
23:29Where were you, Madame?
23:31I was in bed.
23:34All day!
23:35Oh, give it to me, big boy!
23:39You never left your room?
23:40Not once, from sunrise to sunset?
23:43No!
23:44And is there a single person in France, Madame,
23:46who can vouch for that?
23:48Er, yes.
23:50Er, yes, there is.
23:55What?
23:56What?
23:57Nobody can do it!
23:58I can't!
23:59I'm not letting you to lie!
24:00They don't know where you were!
24:02You see, that's the whole point!
24:03They do know where I was, don't they?
24:06All of them do!
24:07I was at them and I with him and him and him and him twice!
24:10Thank you so bloody atrociously much!
24:12Merci beaucoup!
24:13The prisoner will rise!
24:15Oh!
24:17I don't think I didn't know every time we went past an army box,
24:19400 privates stood to attention!
24:22Colombine-Bert-Rincide,
24:24Contest de Vache, you have been found guilty!
24:27Oh, wait a minute, Monsieur!
24:29Where is Buffon on the back to start my defence?
24:32I, the Contest de Vache, have been conducting my own investigations, Monsieur, into this complex matter.
24:45And I think we will find that the name of the murderer, the name of this hideous psychopath, Monsieur, his label, that by which we...
24:58Pad!
24:59Pad!
25:00Identify him!
25:02The man who has committed this horrible crime, has cut her upper and aristocrats.
25:09We will find, sir, that his name, sir, his name is...
25:15Monsieur, Coco Le Biche!
25:18Excellent choice!
25:20Contourier to Madame de Plange!
25:23There you have it!
25:24And the murder weapon, the axe, is...
25:27Hop, hop!
25:28Under, under the pillow!
25:30The bed!
25:31The bed!
25:32The axe is under his bed!
25:34So, Monsieur, I think my innocence is proved, case dismissed, let's adjourn,
25:38Liberté!
25:39Nice working with you!
25:40Well, let's have lunch, Lisette, shall we?
25:41Yeah, let's go.
25:55That was a nice day, Fred.
25:57We've been very lucky with our executions, haven't we?
26:01I've booked!
26:03Come on, you two.
26:05Out!
26:06Go on!
26:07I doubted you for a minute!
26:08Did we, dear?
26:09We did not, dear.
26:10Vive la Contesse!
26:12Yes, vive!
26:13Vive!
26:14Long may she vive!
26:16Well, soon be time for the off.
26:18Yeah.
26:19Come on, choc-choc!
26:20You're making a terrible mistake!
26:23That man's a genius!
26:25He's a fashion guru!
26:26He's directional!
26:28That man is...
26:29Dead!
26:30Who'd have thought that the person you detested the most in the entire palace would turn out to be the murderer?
26:47Just goes to show you can't trust anyone, can you?
26:51I don't mind telling you, Buffon.
26:53I've been having nightmares about this.
26:54I don't know what to think about it.
26:55I might need counselling.
26:57I mean, how could she do it?
27:01I know.
27:02She's a sick, twisted, depraved individual.
27:06No, I mean, how did she actually do it?
27:09Well, with the axe.
27:10No, think about it.
27:11For her to have done that, she would have to have got out of bed, put her wig on, put her dress on, opened countless doors by herself!
27:24Well, that's impossible!
27:25I know!
27:26I know!
27:28She must be innocent.
27:29No, that's impossible.
27:31See, that's why I can't get my head round.
27:33And to top it all, it's tea time!
27:37You take that tray in this time.
27:40No.
27:41No, I think I'd rather not.
27:42No, come on, you take it in this time.
27:44I don't do teas.
27:46But I'll tell you something, I'm not going in there.
27:50I don't know what you're so upset about.
27:52I mean, here am I.
27:54Plain, hairy-legged and...
27:57Lightly moustached.
27:59And I'm happy and smiling.
28:01Stop it.
28:07Oh, just stop it.
28:09Miss Epps!
28:11Come and take it away, I'm bored of it now.
28:14Thought it would be more fun.
28:16Thought it'd be more fun.
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