- 08/07/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00The End
00:30I want to make love to you
00:32Who was it?
00:34The one
00:36Hello Howard
01:00Morning honey
01:20I've just nipped to the bakery
01:24and got you some croissants
01:26fresh
01:28and a peppermint tea
01:30and there's a little wet wipe
01:32there
01:34with the crumbs
01:36You alright?
01:38Yes I'm fine thanks Howard
01:40A bit tired
01:42but what can I expect after half the night spent detaching
01:44my fiancé's mistress from the bedstead?
01:46Mel Cassie's not my mistress
01:48I had a one night stand with her two years ago
01:50Well if there are any other women
01:52lurking in the background
01:54it might be nice to know about them too
01:56Especially since it is a wedding on Saturday!
01:58No
02:04No one comes to mind
02:06Oh well that is a bonus
02:08Enjoy your breakfast
02:12Look Mum
02:16It was an accident
02:18Howard wouldn't do that
02:20He's not light bound
02:22Don't be silly
02:24Look Mum
02:26I've got a million things to do here
02:28presents for the ushers, the bridesmaids
02:30Okay
02:32Okay
02:34Okay
02:36Yep, bye
02:38Everything okay?
02:42They're burying Binky at four this afternoon
02:44Mum wants me to go down
02:46Was she uh
02:48Was she uh
02:50Was she saying something about me?
02:52She's at a very low web, she didn't mean it
02:54What did she say?
02:55Look it doesn't matter, she's not thinking straight
02:56Well?
02:57What did she say?
02:58She thinks you murdered Binky
03:00No
03:02Now, item four on my best man's list
03:04There's a 72% chance of rain on Saturday
03:06So should I get hold of 20 or so umbrellas
03:08To shelter the guests from the car park to the church
03:10I mean, why would I want to kill my future mother-in-law's dog anyway?
03:13Either that or I could get hold of some polythene
03:15Lay a mud-free pathway
03:21Hello?
03:22Howard, it's Cassie
03:23Oh, for God's sake
03:24Can't you find someone else to stalk?
03:26Howard, listen
03:27I've got to give you something
03:28Cassie, I haven't got time for this
03:29No, it's important
03:31I don't care
03:32Just five minutes, Howard
03:33And I'll never bother you again
03:35Cassie, I can't
03:36I've got a dog funeral to go to
03:37Please, Howard
03:38You owe me five minutes at least
03:41Five minutes and you'll never bother me again?
03:44Yeah
03:45Okay, where are you?
03:47The Crofton
03:48Yeah, I know it
03:49Okay, I'll see you there at one
03:51May I continue?
03:53Now, the cutting of the cake
03:54I would like to offer my father's ceremonial sword
03:58Then the occasion a bit of class
04:00Sword?
04:01Yes
04:02Sorry, Ben, do you mind if we talk about this later?
04:03For God's sake, Howard, I need some decisions!
04:07I'm sorry
04:08I just want the wedding to go off without a hitch
04:11The moment you seem determined to ignore all of my best ideas
04:14I'm sorry
04:15I'm sorry
04:16To have matching waistcoats, will you poo-poo that?
04:18Ben, I know, just...
04:19I've been planning this for months
04:20It's a very big day for me
04:24Ben, please
04:25I couldn't do this wedding without you
04:27That's what
04:28In fact
04:29To say thank you
04:30I got you this
04:35Bloody hell
04:36Must have cost a few quid
04:38And are you still seeing that nurse you brought to Ian's 40th?
04:42Yes
04:43Then I think these might come in handy
04:45Right, I'm here
05:00What's this about?
05:01I got you a rum and coke
05:03Your favourite
05:04Cassie, I haven't really got much time
05:06I just wanted to say goodbye
05:08Goodbye?
05:09Yeah
05:10I'm flying off to Italy this afternoon
05:12My brother's got a place there
05:13I need some time to get over all this
05:15Right
05:16Yeah, well, you obviously love Mel
05:18And
05:19I can't make you change your mind, so
05:23It's time for me to move on
05:26Oh
05:28Oh, Cassie
05:29I'm so glad you've sorted yourself out
05:33Can't spend my whole life worrying about whether you're going to fall in love with me
05:37Very sensible
05:39Anyway, I wanted to give you this
05:42Before I left
05:49You gave it to me when you came back from that conference in Stuttgart
05:52Do you remember?
05:54Oh, yeah
05:56He's called Howie
05:58Sits on my telly
06:00But
06:01It's too painful a reminder now
06:03Right
06:05Look after him
06:06I will
06:09Cheers
06:10Bon voyage
06:11Thank you
06:12Cheers
06:13Bon voyage
06:14Thank you so much
06:15It's very kind of you
06:16You sure you don't want us to call a doctor?
06:17No, no
06:18He didn't have the venison, did he?
06:19No, no
06:20No, no
06:21My husband just never knows when to stop
06:22I can drink back in my drink
06:23I haven't put anything in your drink darling
06:24I think it's too much drink you've put in yourself
06:25On the bed?
06:26Yes, might as well
06:27Anything else, madam?
06:28Anything else, madam?
06:29No, that's fine
06:30I'll undress him
06:31Yep
06:32Oh
06:33Oh, Mel
06:35Hi
06:36No, he'd left me about a drink
06:37No, no
06:38He'd left me about a drink
06:39No
06:40No
06:41No
06:42No
06:43No
06:44No
06:45No
06:46No
06:47No
06:48No
06:49No
06:50No
06:51No
06:52No
06:53No
06:54No
06:55No
06:56No
06:57No
06:58No
06:59No
07:00No
07:01No
07:02No
07:03He'd left me about two hours ago
07:04Well, I think he was meeting someone at a hotel
07:07The Crofton
07:09Yeah
07:10Look, Mel, I'm glad you phoned
07:12Do you think I should get hold of 20 or so umbrellas just to shelter the...
07:18Don't blame me if you get soaked
07:31What the hell's going on?
07:47Come back to bed, Howard
07:49Ah!
07:50For God's sake, what did you put in my drink?
07:53Just rum and coke
07:54Oh, and a dash of Rehypnol
07:55What... what's happened here?
07:56It's been wonderful
07:57Come on, let's do it again
07:58Again?
07:59No, no, no, we can't have done anything, I was unconscious
08:00That's what you want to think?
08:01Oh, no
08:02Oh, no, no, no, no
08:03Oh, no, no, no, no
08:04Oh, no, deep down, this is where you want to be
08:06With me
08:07behind me
08:18Ah!
08:20Get out
08:21Come to mummy
08:23I don't wanna be with you
08:24You do want to be with me
08:25I don't want to be with you
08:27Cassie
08:29Cassie
08:32give me my clothes
08:35give me my clothes give me back my clothes sorry there's no sign of me in
08:42the restaurant or the bar um well is there anywhere else it can be
08:45I could check the conference delegates in this if you like can I have a cab
08:47please show up it should be the dog's funeral at four well come on now howard
08:57forget about the cab howard what's going on I've just been upstairs with Cassie
09:00what room 902 you didn't even say goodbye so you expect me to believe she drugged
09:12you stripped you didn't have sex with you and then throw your clothes out the
09:15window yes howard we have got to get the police involved yeah I'm gonna believe
09:19a story like that did you have sex with her of course not how would you know if
09:23you were drugged now a man knows
09:27that's it I think it might not be a great idea to mention it to your parents
09:31yeah like I'm gonna tell them you're being stalked by your ex-lover
09:35oh by the way I thought I might give your parents their presents today
09:44why I just thought I might cheer them up a bit
09:47perfume for mum and oh I got your dad this really smart wristwatch
09:52bloody hell
09:56hi Sophie
10:19Howard, I've decided to forgive you for destroying my life.
10:25Oh, thanks very much.
10:27And I'm sorry that I called you an arsehole.
10:30That's all right.
10:31I mean, you were a bit of an arsehole.
10:33I hear what you're saying.
10:34Maybe not a complete arsehole, but certainly an arse.
10:38Right, well, that's cleared that up.
10:40Howard.
10:42Sorry, one sec, sorry.
10:49I didn't realise he was so well-loved.
10:57This is ridiculous.
11:01Hello, Dad.
11:02Hello, darling.
11:06This is all a bit over the top, isn't it?
11:08Yes.
11:09I'm afraid your mother's not coping very well at the moment.
11:12Hello, Dick.
11:14Howard.
11:18RSVP from the boat.
11:19Oh, right.
11:20About time.
11:30Pretty good run down today.
11:33Not much in the way of traffic.
11:36Well, some road works just outside Chertsey.
11:39Do you know the ones?
11:39No.
11:43I think they're widening the road.
11:45At the end of the high street by Furniture Village.
11:47I don't know.
11:48Yeah, you do.
11:48There's Furniture Village on your left, some offices in front.
11:51On your right, there's a car park.
11:52No.
11:53Just before the mini roundabout by Tesco's.
11:54I'm sorry.
11:55Next to the bottle bank.
11:56I don't know those road works.
11:58Oh, well, um...
12:00They didn't hold us up, so...
12:03Oh, that's lovely.
12:09Been in court this morning?
12:11No.
12:12I had to change my affairs today.
12:14There's a funeral for our family pet.
12:16Yes, of course.
12:17Hello, Mum.
12:20Thank you for coming.
12:21Bless you.
12:22Oh, how are you bearing up, Angela?
12:24Oh, you know.
12:28I know.
12:28It's awful.
12:29That's the terrible thing about accidents.
12:33You know, somehow, if there's an intention there, we can make sense of it.
12:37But accidents, I mean...
12:41The thing about them is there's no-one to blame.
12:45It's just a bloody waste of...
12:48Dog.
12:50Anyway.
12:52As I've got you here, I, uh, went shopping this morning and I bought you these.
12:57Um, just a small tokens of my respect for you both and my delight of becoming part of your family.
13:04Oh, that's very kind of your heart.
13:06And if there's anything I can do to help with the funeral, please just say the word.
13:11Well, actually, would you mind giving Fraser a hand?
13:13I don't think he can manage on his own.
13:16When did Uncle Fraser arrive?
13:17Seven o'clock this morning.
13:19As all I needed was me.
13:24Right, um, why don't we pop your things into the spare room, Howard?
13:27Of course.
13:28Angela, if it's not you, please tell me.
13:31And Dick, likewise.
13:32Oh, perfume.
13:43How lovely.
13:47Jesus Christ.
13:49What is it?
13:5030 flavoured condoms.
13:52What?
13:52All her favourite flavours, including chicken tikka.
14:08Hello?
14:10Howard.
14:11Yes.
14:12Fraser.
14:12Mel's uncle.
14:13Angela tells me you're going to lend a hand with the poor little mutt.
14:16Heard a lot about you, Fraser.
14:17Nice to meet you.
14:18Come on!
14:20Let's see what you're made of.
14:22Ah!
14:23Have you left?
14:23Yes!
14:24Come on!
14:25Yes!
14:27Oh!
14:28Oh, Jesus!
14:31Once a soldier.
14:32Always a soldier.
14:33Oh, that's all right, then.
14:35Took you by surprise, eh?
14:36Yes, yes, you did.
14:38Well done.
14:38You should have snapped your arm off at the shoulder socket, you know.
14:42It's a survival training.
14:43You'll never forget it.
14:44Could you survive for nine days with no food in the Burmese jungle?
14:48Probably not.
14:49Little tip.
14:51What?
14:52A monkey.
14:53If a monkey eats it, so can you.
14:57I'll bear it in mind.
15:00Next time I'm in the Burmese jungle.
15:02I'll be right back.
15:32I'll be right back.
16:02Angela has asked me to say a few words, so...
16:08We're all here to say goodbye to Binky.
16:12So tragically snatched from us by a cement mixer.
16:16They say a man's best friend is his dog.
16:22But not every dog knows necessarily who his friends are.
16:27But to many of us here, Binky was more than just a friend.
16:33He was a cherished member of our family.
16:37He was a cherished member of our family.
16:39We all have their own fond memories of him.
16:41I'll be right back.
16:42I'll be right back.
16:43I'll be right back.
16:44I'll be right back.
16:45I'll be right back.
16:46I'll be right back.
16:47I'll be right back.
16:48I'll be right back.
16:49I'll be right back.
16:50I'll be right back.
16:51I'll be right back.
16:52Actually, I'd better get this.
16:53Carry on.
16:54Eve, not a good time.
16:58You'll never guess!
16:59I was in M&S about an hour ago, buying some mini Kyivs, and I suddenly remembered a pet shop
17:06in Kentish Town.
17:07And there it was!
17:08Oh, a Scotty dog that almost exactly matches little Binky.
17:13Yes!
17:14Yes!
17:31That was Eve on the phone.
17:32I've got a little surprise for your mother.
17:34That's nice.
17:35So, who are all these people?
17:37Um...
17:38Well, that's June Coop.
17:39She bred Binky.
17:40Mrs Hodges, mum's cleaning lady.
17:42Dennis, he does the garden.
17:44And the two lesbians who run the kennels.
17:47Everyone you'd expect to see at a dog's wake.
17:49And do you think they all hate me?
17:51Probably.
17:52Keep getting these locks.
17:53I think I should say something.
17:55Howard.
17:56Sorry to interrupt.
17:57Um, excuse me, everyone.
17:58Sorry.
17:59Um...
18:00I just thought I should say a few words.
18:03I'm Howard, Mel's fiancé.
18:07And...
18:08Um...
18:09Well, first of all, I'd like to say how sorry I am that we're meeting in such tragic but very accidental circumstances.
18:18I know that Binky meant a lot to you all.
18:22To June Coop, who bred him and brought old Binky into the world.
18:28To you two, who saw him happy as Larry as he trotted about the house and garden.
18:33And to his two lesb...
18:35Lady friends, who...
18:37I don't quite know how you two fit in.
18:41But the point is, we're all gonna miss him in our own way.
18:44And, hey, that's a shame.
18:47Big shame.
18:49Um...
18:50Well, that's all I wanted to say, really.
18:56So...
18:57Now, a toast.
18:59Er...
19:00To Binky.
19:02Binky.
19:03Binky.
19:06It is a while.
19:08Yeah.
19:09You will show me your speech for Saturday, won't you?
19:11I think this is what Binky would have wanted.
19:20Well, I think what he would have wanted is not to have been hurled into a cement mixer.
19:24Yes.
19:25Point taken.
19:29Is he not wearing a present?
19:31What?
19:32Perhaps he's saving it for Saturday.
19:33The big day?
19:35Oh, it's not too tight.
19:37I, er...
19:38I didn't know your size.
19:39I got the assistant to try it on, you know.
19:41He looked about the same size as you.
19:44They'd go on forever, those things, you know.
19:46Swiss.
19:48My father gave me one for my 16th birthday.
19:50And it hasn't let me down once.
20:02Howard, Giles just phoned.
20:04Oh, good.
20:05Yeah, he wants to patch things up.
20:06Bravo.
20:07He wants to take me to Paris for the weekend.
20:10Erm, but I'm not sure if I want to have sex with someone of his age anymore.
20:15Well, how old is he?
20:16Erm, I don't know.
20:17About your age?
20:18Oh!
20:20I wouldn't write off us more experienced men.
20:23I think you'll find what we lack in athleticism we make up for in technique.
20:27Are you coming on to me again, Howard?
20:29No, no, no, no, no.
20:30I'm just saying, you know, in a fulfilling sexual relationship, age shouldn't matter.
20:36Right.
20:37Thanks.
20:38Are you OK, Dick?
20:39Do you know what he just said to me?
20:40Who?
20:41Howard.
20:42He asked me if I was wearing his present.
20:43No.
20:44He said he didn't know if it would fit me.
20:45That the shop assistant was my size, so he got him to try it on.
20:46He said it was Swiss.
20:47Swiss?
20:48Mm.
20:49And that he'd had one since he was 16 and it hadn't let him down once.
20:50Oh, no, Dick.
20:51There must be some mix-up.
20:52I didn't know the Swiss made condoms.
20:55I didn't know the Swiss made condoms.
21:10Dom Dom's
21:33Is um Angela not joining us no she's having a lie down been an emotional day
21:40You know in Korea a dogs freezer if we were in Korea think he would be in that casserole by now
21:51Dick I don't know if you were listening to the local radio earlier the traffic news
22:13But those roadworks that we were talking about outside Jersey
22:18Gone
22:20Gone
22:24Arsehole!
22:25Sophie!
22:26You arsehole!
22:27Thought we'd established that I wasn't
22:29He said that I should have sex with someone of his age
22:32What?
22:33Yeah he said that men of his age have better shagging technique
22:37Howard!
22:38No no I said that you know age shouldn't matter in a fulfilling sexual relationship
22:42What?
22:43Not with me
22:44Well thank you arsehole I took your advice again and I phoned Giles and guess what
22:50He's going to Paris with Tanya bloody Hamilton
22:54Dick I think I should say at this point
22:56Talk to him
22:57What?
22:58Tell Giles that he can't dump me
22:59Sophie stop it
23:00But it's his fault
23:04Hello?
23:05Tell him I want to go to Paris
23:07Howard Steele
23:08Yes er
23:09Engaged Mel
23:10That's right
23:11Oh thank you very much
23:12Tell him!
23:13Er Giles
23:14Slightly odd request but Sophie's asked me to talk to you about your relationship with her
23:17Well strictly speaking it isn't any of my business but erm
23:20Well no you couldn't possibly know that because you've never met me
23:25Now that's just rude
23:27Erm
23:28Take this outside
23:36Now Giles
23:37Giles Giles look this has absolutely nothing to do with me
23:40Giles hello Giles
23:42No no no Giles you listen to me
23:54Hello
23:55Hi Giles
23:56I'd love to go to Paris
23:59You say that Giles
24:00When I'm part of this family now
24:02And I know that Dick and Angela aren't going to allow their wonderful daughter to be messed around by some grotty little upstart like you
24:10It's weird
24:12I know
24:13Yes that's right matey
24:14Giles
24:15Just don't see her anymore
24:16I am laying down the law
24:18So what you're going to do is take my sister-in-law to Paris and you're going to give her the time of her life or you'll be answerable to me
24:25Oh yes you are Giles
24:27And before you do that you're going to pick up the phone and apologise to Sophie right now
24:32Wow
24:33It just has
24:34It just has
24:36It just has
24:37It doesn't have
24:38It doesn't have
24:42We're going to have
24:43It takes
24:44Fear
24:45You are
24:46Jan iniciates
24:47Ah! Sorry to interrupt, old chair. I thought I could smell something.
25:06I was smoking.
25:08Didn't know you smoked.
25:10I've just started again.
25:12Jungle training, you see.
25:13Often to smell the enemy before you hear or see him.
25:16Really?
25:17A little tip for you.
25:19Rub dog's urine all over your body and a chasing dog will ignore the scent.
25:25What?
25:26Yeah.
25:27You see, the dog will think it's himself.
25:31Yeah, but that means you'd have to know what dog was going to chase you.
25:35No, I'm not with you.
25:36And you'd have to get hold of a sample of that dog's urine in advance.
25:40No, you've lost me.
25:41Well, I mean, you can't keep a bank of every dog's urine, can you?
25:43I mean, think of all the dogs in the world.
25:45You'd need the bloody warehouse.
25:46And then what would be the chances of picking the right sample anyway?
25:50I'm just saying it worked for me.
25:52Take it or leave it.
25:53Ben, great news.
26:04A friend of mine in the city just gave us 30 of his firm's umbrellas.
26:08Oh, excellent.
26:09Well done, mate.
26:10So nobody should get wet and it won't cost you a thing.
26:13Fantastic news.
26:14Oh, and Howard, thank you so much for the wristwatch.
26:18What?
26:21The wristwatch.
26:22It's magnificent.
26:24No, no, no.
26:25You should have got the flavoured condoms.
26:26Mel's dad should have got the wrist...
26:28Condoms?
26:30Howard.
26:32What have you got Dick's watch for, you stupid bastard?
26:37I gave your dad the condoms.
26:38What?
26:3930 flavours.
26:39Chicken ticket.
26:40I don't understand.
26:41I've got to tell him.
26:43Howard?
26:44Howard?
26:44Howard?
26:44Is that you, Dick?
27:10I'm Bush.
27:12I don't turn.
27:13I've had enough today.
27:18Good night, then.
27:25Fraser said he was smoking in his room.
27:28Who?
27:29Howard.
27:30Did you know he smoked?
27:32No.
27:33He kept that quiet, then.
27:34Ooh.
27:36Oh, she had the pick of every single man and mother.
27:40She had to pick him.
27:43I think he really loves her there, Dick.
27:47Oh, you think of some of her other boyfriends.
27:50You didn't like any of them.
27:52Their appeal now increases by the hour.
27:54Oh, don't be so silly.
27:56Anyway, I liked Alec Bannam.
27:58No, you didn't.
27:59He'd been drinking, hasn't he?
28:01Only a couple of glasses.
28:03His doctor told you not while you're on the value.
28:06I feel great.
28:08Oh, come on, Mr. Pug.
28:10I'll take that silly old frown away.
28:14Angela.
28:15Oh, come on.
28:16Oh, come on.
28:30Oh, come on.
28:35Let's sit.
28:38Let's sit.
28:39Oh, come on.
28:41Oh.
28:42I'm begging you, please.
29:03You're marrying her?
29:04I do not want her getting my parents involved.
29:06Enjoy your...
29:09A nice stag night! You're scheduled to have fun!
29:12Why did I ever done Pallet Pallet?
29:14Now that is what I call a great stag night!
29:39The next day, I'll go to Pallet Pallet!
29:44What is the best?
29:46The first day I was going to go to Pallet Pallet Pallet.
29:49I'm going to go to Pallet Pallet.
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