- 08/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Oh, God, why didn't we just get married on a beach somewhere?
00:05I'm not going to let you marry her.
00:08Of course I like your family.
00:09How's my favourite father-in-law to be?
00:11I'm just not sure if they like me.
00:13How's my favourite mother-in-law to be?
00:15Your favourite, Had.
00:19Oh, sorry, Had, I didn't know you were...
00:22I wasn't fishing my excrement out of your laboratory
00:25and throwing it onto your conservatory roof.
00:26The ring! It was in the main sewer!
00:29Bring it down tomorrow.
00:34Let's hope this week's a memorable one for all of us.
00:38Ah!
00:59Wakey-wakey.
01:16Oh, what time is it?
01:20It's about nine.
01:23It's a terrible nightmare. I tried to have sex with your mother.
01:26No, that happened.
01:29Oh, God.
01:31Come on, up you get.
01:33Breakfast is on the table. Mum and Dad have already started.
01:36Oh, I don't feel very well.
01:38What?
01:39Oh, I've got a splitting headache.
01:41Aching limbs.
01:42Oh, no!
01:43I don't think I should go down there.
01:45Well, you look all right to me.
01:47It's probably best if I keep well away from everybody.
01:49A couple of paracetamol, you'll be fine.
01:51Well, with respect, you're a vet. You're not a doctor.
01:54Look, you're not running a temperature.
01:56Look, I just can't face your parents after last night.
01:59Tell them I'm sick.
02:01I'm too weak to come down to breakfast,
02:02but I can make it to the car and you need to drive me home right now.
02:04Howard, we can't do that.
02:05We said we'd drive over to your dad's for lunch.
02:07What?
02:07Meet his new girlfriend.
02:13God!
02:34Howard?
02:35If you were my boyfriend
02:38and I wanted you to do something,
02:40would you do it?
02:41Um...
02:42Cos, like, Giles says that he hates weddings and he won't come,
02:44but then if he doesn't,
02:45then I'm going to look like some ugly sister-billy-no-mate saddo.
02:49Well, all I know is if I had a girlfriend as gorgeous as you,
02:52I'd do pretty much anything she asked.
02:55I hope you're not trying to chat me up, Howard.
02:56No! No, no!
02:57Cos that would be pretty sick if you were.
02:59No, I'm just saying he probably needs to be reminded
03:02how lucky he is having you.
03:03Yeah.
03:06You're right.
03:07Cheers.
03:11Oh, and, um,
03:12I won't tell anyone that you put Binky in the clock.
03:14Morning, Angela.
03:33Morning, Dick.
03:35Morning.
03:36Good morning.
03:36Sorry, Dick.
03:44Could you pass the, uh, coffee?
03:58Ooh, lovely coffee.
04:02Really sorry about it last night.
04:03I'd rather not talk about it, Howard.
04:09The thing is, I really thought that was my room.
04:15Which is why I was so surprised to see Mel in there.
04:18You know, cos, uh, I thought we'd agreed separate bedrooms, but, uh...
04:23Apparently not.
04:29Anyway, the point is, I really thought Angela was Mel.
04:32I really did.
04:34I mean, for her age, she felt very, uh...
04:35Top up, anyone?
04:46I think I'll get on with my wall.
05:00If there's anything you need any help with, Angela, just say the word.
05:03Oh, thank you, Howard.
05:06Actually, we do need a decision on the men's hats.
05:09Oh, right.
05:10Yes.
05:11Do you prefer black or grey?
05:12Oh, I think I prefer grey.
05:14Grey?
05:15Yeah.
05:16Why?
05:17Well, uh, I think I prefer it.
05:19Let's go with black.
05:20Right.
05:20Oh, where's my little biggie-winkie been this morning?
05:27Mummy's been looking all over for you.
05:29Now, you look after her while Mummy gets some more toast.
05:34OK, I'm sorry I put you in the clock.
05:47Can we start again?
05:50Because I really want to be friends.
05:53I'll get stuff, then.
05:54Oh, I'm sorry.
06:04Oh...
06:05I know.
06:08I know I know I have not yet.
06:09I know I have not yet.
06:11Oh, you stupid.
06:13I know I have not yet.
06:13I know.
06:14You know, I know I'm not even to hear.
06:15Oh, that's fine.
06:16I know I have to be friends.
06:18Oh, my God.
06:19Oh, my God.
06:20Oh, my God.
06:20I'm very sorry.
06:21Oh, my God.
06:21Oh, my God.
06:22Oh, my God.
06:23Eve.
06:25Brought the ring.
06:26You genius.
06:31What?
06:33Angela.
06:33This is my wonderful secretary, Eve.
06:36Eve, Mel's wonderful mother, Angela.
06:38Pleased to meet you.
06:39Hello.
06:39She's brought the ring.
06:41Oh, Granny will be pleased.
06:43Would you like a cup of something, Eve?
06:44You must be parched.
06:45No, I'd better be off.
06:46I must get back to the office.
06:47Don't worry about the office.
06:49Have a cup of coffee.
06:50Oh, all right then.
06:52It's white with two sugars, isn't it?
06:53Yeah, black without, actually.
06:55Would you like something to eat?
06:56Oh, well, some toast would be nice.
06:59I didn't get anything to eat last night,
07:00but with the plumbers and everything.
07:02Plumbers?
07:03Yes.
07:03They found the ring eventually in the main sewer.
07:05Well, if you've got to go, you've got to go.
07:07Really mustn't be late for the office.
07:09Drive carefully.
07:13Oh, she just rabid on.
07:15I mean, who wants to hear about her losing her own ring
07:17down the plughole when we've only just got our ring safe and sound?
07:20Oh, yes.
07:24Right.
07:25Now, where's Granny?
07:25I can't wait to show her the ring.
07:27She's not done yet.
07:29Oh, oh, stack these plates.
07:32They'll be dirty on both sides now.
07:38Great news.
07:39I've got the ring.
07:40Fantastic.
07:40Eve just brought it down.
07:41Oh, she's a marvel.
07:42She really is.
07:43Oh, where is it?
07:46Hello?
07:47I want to make love to you.
07:49Ah!
07:50Howard?
07:51Sorry, Mel.
07:52What's the matter?
07:52Who was it?
07:53No one.
07:54I just got a bloody electric shock from the phone.
07:56What?
07:57Oh, bloody Finnish rubbish.
08:00Look, we're going to have to make a move
08:01if we're going to get to my dad's in time for lunch.
08:05Now, you won't be late for your dress fitting,
08:07will you, Mel?
08:08No, of course not.
08:10Don't worry, Angela.
08:11I'll make sure she gets back in plenty of time.
08:13Angela?
08:14There's a puddle of urine in the grandfather clock.
08:18Right.
08:18Well, we ought to be making a move.
08:20Howard, you do know there's a downstairs cloakroom?
08:24Yes.
08:25Right.
08:26What did you say, Dick?
08:27Someone's urinated in the grandfather clock.
08:31Right.
08:31Well, we're off.
08:32The grandfather clock?
08:33Hmm.
08:36Oh, clever boy, Pinky.
08:38You found Howard's mobile.
08:41Ha-ha!
08:43Ah.
08:46Well, aren't you going to answer it?
08:48I don't think so.
08:48Why not?
08:50Well, that's probably a wrong number.
08:51We'll see you both later.
08:52Wrong number?
08:53Probably.
08:54Well, how do you know?
08:55Well, I get them all the time.
08:56Well, give it to me.
08:57I'll answer it.
08:57Mel!
08:58Look at this.
09:00Hello?
09:01Howard.
09:01I'm in bed, and you're right next to me.
09:06No, no, I think you got the wrong person.
09:08I want you to lick every inch of my body.
09:12No, I think you want someone else.
09:14Dale, you're huge.
09:17Stop phoning me.
09:19Really, I have to change that number.
09:23See you both later, then.
09:24Did you get to show granny the ring?
09:36Oh, damn, no.
09:37I left it in the dining room.
09:38Are you okay?
09:56Are you okay?
09:56I was just remembering how I used to come back home after school.
10:04My mum would be waiting for me at that window.
10:07My tea in the oven.
10:09She was always there for me.
10:10But she won't be at my wedding.
10:13Why?
10:15Never expected Dad would get involved with another woman again.
10:18Not really sure I like the idea.
10:19It's good he's got some company.
10:21Yeah, I suppose you're right.
10:22Poor old fella's been on his own for a while now.
10:24Howard, help!
10:36What's that?
10:37Dad?
10:38Can you see him?
10:39Dad, are you all right?
10:41Oh, my God.
10:43Slow down.
10:46Howard!
10:49Howard?
10:49Howard?
10:49Just be careful.
11:15What the f...
11:17Oh, thank God you're here.
11:18What's going on?
11:19Help me.
11:20My back's gone.
11:21I can't move.
11:22What?
11:22Come on, quick.
11:23Lift me out.
11:24He's really heavy.
11:26Oh, God.
11:28Move it.
11:30Oh, I'm Trish.
11:32Careful.
11:32Oh, hello.
11:34I'm Howard.
11:36This is my fiancée Mel.
11:38Now, this is Trish.
11:39Hello.
11:40Where's the waiter?
11:41Oh, what's the waiter?
11:42Oh.
11:45I'm glad you two came when you did.
11:47That water was really getting cold.
11:49My nipples were the size of cocktail sausages.
11:52There you go, honey monster.
11:54I'll give you another rub down later before we go to bed.
11:57Thanks, love.
11:58And if you're lucky, I might give you something else as well.
12:00Oh, oh, oh, oh.
12:02Come on.
12:03I'll get lunch ready.
12:05Come on, Mel.
12:05I want to hear all your plans for the big day.
12:10Isn't she something?
12:12Yes, she certainly is.
12:14I tell you, Howard, she makes me feel like a young man again.
12:18Dad, you've got to watch yourself.
12:20You know, your blood pressure, your back.
12:22I've never known anything like it.
12:24We're at it hammer and tongs.
12:26Right.
12:27I thought all that was over for me.
12:29But Trish gives me such pleasure.
12:31Yeah.
12:32Well, it's not all about that, is it?
12:34You're right.
12:35Just as important, I know how to pleasure her.
12:39I think I might pick up those bits of glass in the front room.
12:41It's important in a relationship, that.
12:43I'll be honest.
12:44I always found it difficult bringing your mother to a climax.
12:48Where do you keep the dustpan and brush?
12:49Trish is very different.
12:51She very much enjoys the physical side of things.
12:57And she's got a G-spot the size of the Arndale Centre.
12:59I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you had your breasts done?
13:10Er, no.
13:13I've had mine done twice.
13:15Well, you have to be in my line of business.
13:16Oh, what is it you do?
13:17Lap dancer.
13:19Great.
13:20That's how I met Ronnie.
13:22Where do you keep your dustpan and brush?
13:23Oh, don't worry about that, Howard.
13:24Come and have a bite to eat.
13:26Oh.
13:28Trish is a lap dancer.
13:28Oh, goody.
13:31I'd asked for your dad and he kept putting one-pound coins in my thumb.
13:35I mean, normally I don't go out with my clients, but I couldn't resist Ronnie.
13:40I mean, who couldn't resist him?
13:42He's such a great lover.
13:45Come on, sit down, grabs up.
13:47Tune you all round.
13:48Oh, thank you.
13:51We did it on the sofa last night.
13:54It was phenomenal.
13:56Oh, there's some crisps round here somewhere.
13:58Oh, what do you think?
14:02Mm, yes, she's, uh, she's quite a character.
14:06She's only 32.
14:08Really?
14:09So my bird's younger than yours, eh?
14:13It's Kylie!
14:14Isn't it when I've asked him for Ronnie?
14:16Oh.
14:17Remember this, Ronnie?
14:18What if I knew that?
14:19What if I knew?
14:20Oh, dude!
14:20Oh, dude!
14:20Oh, dude!
14:20Oh!
14:20La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
14:31I just can't put you off my head for your loving song I'm thinking about
14:38I just can't put you off my head for it's more than a thing to think about
14:46La la la, la la la la, la la la la la, la la la, la la la, I'm the king, you are my king, for you.
15:16She could have been a lot worse. How? Well, look, the point is, we're just going to have to get on with it. We're going to see a lot more of her.
15:33I think we've seen pretty much everything. Anyway, I'm going to... Oh, it's your dressing team. Yeah.
15:40Oh, and can you please go show Granny the ring? Absolutely.
15:46Binky, no! Where's the ring? Open your mouth. Binky, where's the ring? Have you swallowed it? Come here, you...
15:57Ow! I hear you've got the ring. Yes, yes. Could you bear with me one minute?
16:07Binky, if you've done what I think you've done, I'll kick your ass from here to Batsy Dox home, you...
16:12Measurable! Jump the little bog brush!
16:19Dick, hi.
16:22Oh, just looking for Binky.
16:25That's my little nickname for him.
16:27Bog brush.
16:30Come to Uncle Howard.
16:33Boggy.
16:34I've just been up on the conservatory roof.
16:36It seems that mess up there is Angela's goulash.
16:45Oh!
16:48It's beautiful.
16:50Thanks.
16:51You look a picture.
16:56Howard's a lucky man.
16:58Well, I'm lucky too.
17:01Of course you are.
17:02I really love him, Mum.
17:06Why?
17:08Well, I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like him.
17:11No.
17:12I mean, he's so kind and gentle.
17:15Is he?
17:17Yes.
17:18He is.
17:19Well, that's good enough for me, darling.
17:21So, you threw my wife's cooking out of the window?
17:27Yes.
17:28Having tried to flush it down the lavatory?
17:33Yes.
17:34Why?
17:39Well, I couldn't eat it, but I didn't want to cause offence.
17:44Well, she's a woman of many talents, my wife,
17:49but cooking's not one of them.
17:52So sorry.
17:52It was a stupid thing to do.
17:55Look, Howard,
17:57I'm probably a long way off being your ideal father-in-law.
18:00Don't know about that, Dick.
18:02And you're certainly a million miles from being my ideal son-in-law.
18:05Right.
18:06But I'm willing to try and make a go of this if you are.
18:10Absolutely.
18:13Good.
18:14I'll give you a hand there, Dick.
18:23No, no, I'm fine.
18:25Oh, er,
18:26go on.
18:28Let me, er,
18:30let me help you out there.
18:31No, it's really not...
18:34Oh, all right.
18:35Get that lot in there.
18:40All right.
18:41Have you seen Binky?
18:46No.
18:47Have you seen Howard?
18:48No.
18:50Binky!
18:52Binky, where are you?
18:53Oh, I've got your wedding suit, Binky.
19:00Do you know what I thought you were doing?
19:01Oh, my hand in the lavatory.
19:03Yes.
19:03Do you know what it must have looked like?
19:05I thought my daughter was marrying some kind of weirdo.
19:07I can imagine.
19:08I can imagine.
19:09And then when you were in bed with Angela.
19:11Oh, complete mix-up.
19:13I thought, my God, what have we got here?
19:18Well, aren't glad we've managed to clear the air.
19:20So am I.
19:21Has anyone seen Binky?
19:23No.
19:24Sorry.
19:25I see he's got you at work now hard.
19:27I think we might make a prick he's made of him yet, Angela.
19:30Do you know, he's nearly filled up the cement mixer all by himself.
19:34Well, don't let him work you too hard.
19:36Oh, he's so careful, is he?
19:51Oh, he's so careful.
19:54I feel terrible.
19:56I am so sorry.
20:00Dick, I know that word's been nothing in a situation like this,
20:03but I just want to say how deeply I feel both your and Angela's loss.
20:08What's up with Angela?
20:10Howard threw Binky in the cement mixer.
20:13It was an accident.
20:15Binky's dead?
20:17Yes.
20:18You didn't really like Binky, did you?
20:21No, it was an accident.
20:23You must have jumped on the spade.
20:28Are you all right, Angela?
20:29I was saying to Dick, I'm so sorry, Angela,
20:33and if it's any consolation, I'm sure he didn't feel any pain.
20:36That's right.
20:37The speed of the cement mixer would have crushed his little skull in seconds.
20:42Oh, God!
20:45Excuse me.
20:47Do carry on, everyone.
20:49Oh, Howard, if you don't like your dinner,
20:51feel free to throw it around the house.
20:53Well, thank you very much, arsehole.
20:57Sophie!
20:58Cheers for the great advice.
21:00So, yeah, um, I reminded Giles how lucky he is to be with me,
21:03and do you know what?
21:04He dumped me.
21:05So congratulations, arsehole.
21:07Sophie, will you watch your language?
21:08He's an arsehole!
21:10That's as maybe, but it's no excuse for this language.
21:13Dad, please!
21:14It's some great wedding this is going to be, isn't it?
21:16Because thanks to him, who, by the way,
21:18put Binky in the grandfather clock,
21:20I am now the sad freak with no boyfriend in the crap dress!
21:36Anyway, the ring was delivered today.
21:39So I heard, but Howard won't show it to me.
21:43Sorry?
21:43I asked you earlier and you ran away.
21:45No, I didn't.
21:46Are you going to show it to me or not?
21:49Of course I am.
21:50When?
21:52Soon.
21:53Go and get it, Howard.
21:54Well, you know, I'm eating.
21:55Go on!
21:56It's upstairs.
21:57Howard.
21:58All right!
21:59All right!
22:00I'll get it!
22:01I'll get it!
22:14I'll get it!
22:53Ah, Eve, glad you phoned. Any idea how to get a ring out of a dead dog set in concrete?
23:09How did it get set in concrete?
23:12Rather normal way. Got thrown into a cement mixer.
23:14I'm sorry, I don't know.
23:16Ah, well, never mind.
23:17Oh, the travel agent's called. I can pick up your tickets to the Seychelles tomorrow.
23:23Oh, thank you, Eve. That's great.
23:25Oh, by the way, could you also get a Scotty dog?
23:27A what?
23:28A Scotty dog.
23:31Well, I'll try.
23:33Thanks a lot, Eve. Speak to you later. Bye.
23:35Bye.
23:45Howard?
23:48What are you doing?
23:49Huh?
23:50What are you doing with those?
23:52Nothing. Just, um...
23:54tidying up.
23:56You've got the ring.
23:57What?
23:58The ring, Howard.
23:59You never guessed what happened.
24:02What?
24:03Well, you know Eve was supposed to bring down your ring.
24:05Yes.
24:05The stupid cow only brought the wrong one.
24:07What?
24:08It was a completely different ring.
24:11What a burr, OK?
24:12So there were two rings in the safe?
24:16Yes!
24:18For God's sake, do we have to look at poor Binky like that?
24:21Yes.
24:21Cover him up.
24:22I'll call you later, Mum.
24:29Do you have to go now?
24:30I've got loads to do.
24:32I haven't even been a Ben away outfit yet.
24:34Yes, I can help Ben with his speech.
24:35It's a shame not to have seen the ring.
24:37Oh, I know.
24:39Don't worry, I've given my secretary a right rollicking about it.
24:42But the ring's all right?
24:43Yes, yes.
24:44I specifically got her to look in the safe
24:46and check that the ring, our ring, was there
24:48and she was able to confirm that the ring was indeed there.
24:50Oh, and she apologised for all the inconvenience she'd caused.
24:55Right.
24:56So we'll see you all on Friday for the rehearsal.
24:58Mm.
24:59Mm.
25:01Oh.
25:08Arsehole!
25:11Till Friday, then.
25:20Oh, my God.
25:35How the dickens did that get in there?
25:37Oh, my God!
25:39Oh, my God!
25:47It's not one thing, it's another.
25:48Howard?
25:55Howard?
25:55Mm-hmm?
26:06Well, thank you very much.
26:08At least we got the ring back.
26:09Yes, but I didn't expect to cut open the family pet to get it.
26:12Oh, come on, Mel, you're a vet.
26:13You do that stuff all the time.
26:14Why didn't you tell me Binky had swallowed the ring?
26:17I didn't want to bother you.
26:18You've got enough on your plate this week.
26:20So you thought you'd smuggle him home?
26:21It was just an idea.
26:24And you didn't think my parents would notice their dead dog was missing?
26:27I was going to bring it back.
26:28When?
26:29On Friday?
26:30Oh, right, so we'd have a dead dog hanging around our flat for three days, would we?
26:34All right, so I didn't think that bit through, yeah?
26:37I'm sorry, I made a mistake.
26:40Why don't you kill me now?
26:41That way I'll never make any more mistakes again.
26:43Good God, I was just trying to make things better.
26:45Well, you're not!
26:46You're making them worse!
26:48All right, so I'm just trying to make things better.
27:18Mel, thank you.
27:24What do you mean?
27:25Well, it's been a tough couple of days.
27:27Thanks for being so understanding.
27:31Well, I love you.
27:34Still, after everything that's happened.
27:37Well, you're not perfect.
27:41But you'll do.
27:42Well, it's been a tough one for you.
27:43Mmm.
27:44Mmm.
27:45Mmm.
27:46Mmm.
27:47God, I want to make love to you right now.
27:49What are you doing, Michelle?
27:50Consider it a practice run for the honeymoon.
27:51I am.
27:52Oh!
27:53Oh!
27:54Oh!
27:55Oh!
27:56Oh!
27:57Oh!
27:58Oh!
27:59Oh!
28:00Oh!
28:01Oh!
28:02Oh!
28:03Oh!
28:04Oh!
28:05Oh!
28:06Oh!
28:07Oh!
28:08Oh!
28:09Hello, Howard.
28:10Oh!
28:17She thinks you murdered, Binky.
28:18Been in court this morning?
28:19No.
28:20There's a funeral for our family pet.
28:22Yes, of course.
28:23He said that I should have sex with someone of his age.
28:26What?
28:27Nice to meet you.
28:28You do want to be with me.
28:30I don't want to be with you.
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