- 08/07/2025
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Never expected Dad would get involved with another woman again.
00:06See, she's an outdancer.
00:07We're at it, hammer and tongs.
00:08My nipples with a side of cocktail sausages!
00:11Welcome to the marriage of Melissa, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Richard...cock.
00:15Somebody else...proof-read them!
00:16Don't worry about these, Anne, they've had these sorted in no time.
00:19Enjoy your...
00:21head night.
00:22You're absolutely terrible!
00:24Howard, go away!
00:25You didn't have that on your paranoid.
00:27There.
00:28My life isn't worth living without you.
00:32I will jump.
00:33Well, go on, then.
00:35Rusty!
00:37Get in there, Will.
00:39Shut up, push him in. He can't swim.
00:41Oh, my God, he's got the ring.
00:43Why don't you just piss off?
00:58If you didn't do it, I'll knock it out.
01:01If you have my life, I'll take you.
01:02I'll take you.
01:03I'll take you.
01:05I'll take you.
01:15I'll take you, Bill.
01:19It's safe, Bill.
01:53You've had your mobile turned off. I've been worried sick.
01:56I'm fine, I'm fine. I waited up for you.
01:59Cassie tried to commit suicide. She threw herself in the river.
02:02Cassie? I had to jump in and save her.
02:04Oh, for God's sake.
02:06I couldn't let her drown, could I?
02:08Well, it's Mum.
02:10What does she want? Are you OK?
02:13Yeah, I'm fine. A few scratches, but everything.
02:16She says she doesn't think you've ought enough fizzy mineral water.
02:20Howard, I told you before, we've got to go to the police about that girl.
02:23Look, er, let's not get the police involved.
02:26She says that there's too much still mineral water and not enough fizzy.
02:30Tell her when I get down there, I'll order some more.
02:33So, are you going to be OK for the wedding rehearsal?
02:35There is going to be a wedding. Yes, of course!
02:37It's just after yesterday, with the cufflinks and everything.
02:39Let's just forget about yesterday.
02:41And she says that the bride and groom figurines on top of the wedding cake
02:44that the bride's got dark hair.
02:45Should she go to the cake shop and get a blonde one?
02:48Who cares?
02:50Oh!
02:51Look, I'll see you at the church at four.
02:54Absolutely. I'll come down with Ben.
03:05I hope this stag night was worth it.
03:07So, will he be off and about by tomorrow, or...?
03:10What?
03:11Will he be off and about by tomorrow?
03:12He's best man at my wedding.
03:14I'm sorry, but there's no chance of that.
03:16He'll be under observation here for at least 72 hours.
03:18But he's my best man.
03:20Have you any idea what my fiancé's parents will think
03:21if I turn up without a best man?
03:22Look, he's taken a nasty bump to the head
03:24and his fractures left humorous.
03:26He's staying here.
03:28Under sedation.
03:30Take care, please.
03:31And he knows it.
03:33I'm doing the same.
03:47This has to be mild because it isn't good.
03:48Hein.
03:49Miriam knows the best of this place for Forgive sarees toï¿½ï¿½ê³ ini.
03:52I hope it didn't make a big, but I tried!
03:55It's somewhat fine...
03:56What are you doing?
04:02It's my fiancée's ring.
04:04Just stop that.
04:07Stop doing that.
04:08Yes!
04:10Look, I think you'd better go.
04:26Look, Ben, I don't know if you can hear me, but the parking plan for tomorrow, where is it?
04:41I need to know where the parking plan is, Ben. It's going to be chaos otherwise.
04:48Ben, squeeze if you know where the parking plan is.
04:53Oh, my God, Ben!
04:54Ben, the hired suits for tomorrow. Are they at your flat? Squeeze for yes.
05:02Look, the wedding's going to fall apart without you.
05:05Where are the suits? I can't walk up the hall.
05:09Squeeze, damn you!
05:10I've got your flat keys, Ben.
05:28Where are the suits?
05:30Give me a sign.
05:32Grunt if it's easier.
05:33Just grunt.
05:35Just grunt.
05:36Look, I have a look.
05:57What the fuck?
06:23What the fuck?
06:24What the fuck?
06:25What the fuck?
06:55Jeff!
06:56It's Howard.
06:57What the devil are you?
06:58Not too good, actually.
06:59Bit of a problem on the old best man front.
07:02Ben's got himself concussed jumping into the Thames, so a little bit light on the old support for tomorrow. I thought, what better man for the job than my old chum Jeffrey? And I thought, what better man for the job than my old pal Martin? I need someone who's bloody reliable.
07:17And that's when I thought of you, Ollie.
07:48You were the first on my list, Doug.
07:49You were the first on my list, Tony.
07:51I thought you'd be the person to ask.
07:54Phil!
07:55Doug.
07:56Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry.
07:58Howard.
07:59Howard Steele.
08:00Well, can't she have a wound scraped another day?
08:04Well, why do you have to be there?
08:05I mean, you're not the one doing the scraping, are you?
08:10Hello?
08:11Hello, Howard.
08:12It's Cassie.
08:13Just to say, if I can't have you, no one can.
08:14Bastard!
08:15Well, that's all the S's.
08:16Ian Timms.
08:17Bastard.
08:18Can't do it.
08:19He's got a ringside seat at his wife's hysterectomy and he doesn't want to miss any of the action.
08:34He's not coming to a wedding at all now.
08:36That's pathetic.
08:37I had a streaming cold, but I still went to his summer barbecue.
08:40Simon Tittree.
08:41Never heard of him.
08:42Cross him out.
08:44Brian Tooley.
08:46He's my plumber, Eve.
08:48I can hardly ask a man I've only met once and who put in a power shower rather badly six years ago to be my best man!
08:54I'm sorry.
08:55I don't know who these people are.
08:57I'm just reading the names out.
08:58Okay, okay.
08:59Next one.
09:00Johnny Underwood.
09:01No.
09:02Are you sure we don't want to take the dog now?
09:05No, Eve, we do not!
09:07Kim Veal.
09:08Woman.
09:09Woman.
09:10Think Dick and Andrew would like the idea of me having a better woman?
09:13Perry Villiers.
09:14No, no, no.
09:15You can scarcely read or write.
09:16Let alone make a speech.
09:17I need someone who's good at making speeches.
09:19Oh, I tell you who's good at making speeches.
09:21Who?
09:22My uncle.
09:23Oh, he gave a lovely talk to the WI last year.
09:26All about owls.
09:30Owls?
09:31People don't want to hear about owls.
09:33They want a few risque jokes about me.
09:35He doesn't know you.
09:37Well, then it's not a very good suggestion, is it?
09:39Anyway, he's moved to New Zealand.
09:43Eve.
09:44W's.
09:45Simon Watson.
09:46Bit tricky.
09:47He's dead.
09:48That's the lot.
09:49No more.
09:50Oh, well, that's it then.
09:51I'm stuffed.
09:52Well and truly stuffed.
09:53There's one person you haven't mentioned.
10:04PHONE RINGS
10:06PHONE RINGS
10:08PHONE RINGS
10:10PHONE RINGS
10:15PHONE RINGS
10:17PHONE RINGS
10:18PHONE RINGS
10:20PHONE RINGS
10:22Oh, man.
10:50Any sign of heart?
10:51Not yet.
10:52Well, you better be here soon.
10:54I've got a meeting with the police dog display team at five.
10:57They're the main attraction of this year's church faith.
10:59Again.
11:02I know.
11:03I'm sure it won't be long.
11:05Ah, my friend had a dog with no front legs.
11:08Just two little wheels.
11:10Used to be a sniffer dog.
11:13Went out on a mission with a touch of dog flu and...
11:16Bang!
11:18Mill!
11:21We're going to need a backup organist.
11:23Mrs Prescott's feet are playing up and it's affecting her pedal control.
11:27Fine.
11:28And tonight's meal.
11:29Now, Hart's father's not a vegetarian, is he?
11:31No.
11:32Oh, thank God.
11:33Is Hart still not here?
11:35He's on his way.
11:36Well, I hope he's not this late tomorrow.
11:38Look, he'll be here any minute.
11:40You've been saying that for the last half an hour.
11:43God, he's such an arsehole.
11:45Well, if he's that much of an arsehole, why was it when someone was drowning in the river last night, he jumped in and rescued them?
11:50How?
11:51Yes.
11:52He saved someone's life last night.
11:54She was drowning.
11:55He jumped in and saved her.
11:57So there.
11:58Thanks for sorting out the orders of service, Tom.
12:01Best man?
12:02I've never been anyone's best man before.
12:04Yes.
12:05Can't wait.
12:06Just calm down.
12:07I'll have to make a speech.
12:08Yeah.
12:09How dirty do you want it?
12:10I don't want it dirty at all.
12:11Can I tell the story about that Fixing Away Day at Sheffield?
12:12No, definitely not.
12:13What, even if I take the bit out about the club clinic?
12:14No, no Fixing Away Day, no Sheffield, no club clinic.
12:15Shame.
12:16Just keep it short and keep it clean.
12:17Please?
12:18Fine.
12:19Fine.
12:20What else do I need to know?
12:21Right, well, er...
12:22The wedding rehearsal is...
12:23Now, er, and tonight there's a big dinner.
12:25My dad and his girlfriend and all Mel's family, so...
12:27I don't know.
12:28I don't know.
12:29I don't know.
12:30I don't know.
12:31I don't know.
12:32I don't know.
12:33I don't know.
12:34I don't know.
12:35I don't know.
12:36I don't know.
12:40I don't know.
12:41I don't know.
12:42I don't know.
12:43So just behave yourself.
12:44Oh, don't worry about me.
12:47Woo-hoo!
12:48Come on!
12:49I just keep getting his voicemail.
12:54Why did he arrange his stag night so close to the wedding?
12:59He shouldn't be throwing himself into rivers two days before he gets married.
13:05I mean, what if he drowned?
13:08Yeah!
13:09Would have ruined the seating plan.
13:11Remember your stag night, Dick?
13:13Just about, Fraser.
13:14Ha-ha!
13:15We were in portsmouth.
13:17We got him tanked up on Rama and then we all chipped in ten bob and handed him over
13:21to this prostitute.
13:22Fraser?
13:23You should have seen her.
13:24Faced like a bag of spanners.
13:26Mind you, it did you proud, didn't you, Dick?
13:29So the police dog display team are coming.
13:32Mind you, the English prozzies aren't a patch on the ones in Thailand.
13:37They don't do anything for the price of a bowl of rice.
13:41Is that hard?
13:44What the hell?
13:46Hello?
13:51Sorry we're late.
13:52This is Dom, everybody.
13:54My new best man.
13:55You better believe it.
13:56Dom very kindly stepped in at the eleventh hour.
13:58And I'm not charging him a penny for me services either.
14:00I said I'm all yours, as long as I get to sleep with the bridesmaid of me choice.
14:04Yeah, Dom's also had some new orders of service printed.
14:17Yeah.
14:18There's one for you, Angela.
14:22One for you, Dick.
14:24We'll keep this one spare.
14:26Shall we press on?
14:27Lead the way, Vic.
14:28Lead the way.
14:29Lead the way.
14:30Lead the way.
14:31Come on.
14:32Come on.
14:33Come on.
14:34Come on.
14:35Come on.
14:36Come on.
14:37Come on.
14:38Come on.
14:39Come on.
14:40Come on, Dick.
14:41We'll keep this one spare.
14:42Shall we press on?
14:43Lead the way, Vic.
14:45Lead the way.
14:46Come on.
14:47Come on.
14:49Don, it's best man.
15:14It wasn't my first choice.
15:15Who was? Liam Gallagher? Osama Bin-Narden?
15:18Look, I know he's not ideal, but there was no-one else.
15:22Look, everyone's waiting. Shall we make a start?
15:25Oh, for God's sake, I want to...
15:27Honey, come on. Look, I know Dom's a little bit wild,
15:29but he's not a bad bloke.
15:32Excuse me. Do you mind not smoking?
15:36This is the house of God.
15:39Sorry, Vic. Sorry, God.
15:42Oh, heavens.
15:44And can I please have the bride and groom up here?
15:48Whoo-hoo!
15:52Oh-oh!
15:54Aren't they in, Ron?
16:03Ron?
16:05I expect you feel like a soldier on the eve of combat, eh?
16:21Hollow feeling in the pit of your guts.
16:23Yeah, yeah, a little bit, yeah.
16:26How come you never got married, Fraser?
16:28Well, I suppose the right girl never came along at the right time.
16:31Oh, yeah. Who wants a wife in so, eh?
16:34Absolutely.
16:35When are you coming out and living it up with the lads?
16:37Yes.
16:38I can't see you being dragged round the shop, spy with a wife.
16:41Very much the sort of chap who prefers the company of men.
16:45Yes.
16:46You're very much a man's man.
16:48Looking forward to the big day tomorrow?
17:02Well, maybe you'll arrive on time.
17:07Yes.
17:08Yes, of course.
17:09Uh, I do hope you're going to be able to come to the reception, actually.
17:12Oh, that's very kind.
17:13Is he dead?
17:33He's dead, isn't he?
17:34I know he's dead.
17:35He's not dead, Angela.
17:36I can see him moving.
17:37Is he going to be able to conduct the service tomorrow?
17:40I don't know.
17:43Will you be okay for tomorrow, vicar?
17:46Angela, for goodness sake.
17:48He's going to be okay.
17:50They think he might have broken his foot.
17:52Oh, my God.
17:54Can you walk, vicar?
17:56Mum!
18:00So, what did she look like?
18:02Well, she's about five foot eight.
18:04Uh, she's got dark hair, very mad eyes.
18:07I'm just, I'm really worried what she might do next.
18:09Yeah, yeah, you must be.
18:10She's called Cassie Turner.
18:12I don't know where she lives, but the office will.
18:14You know, she's been stalking me all week.
18:16Oh, no, that's terrible.
18:19So, so, uh, do you think you'll be able to find her?
18:22Us?
18:23Yeah, I mean, what will you do?
18:24Will you get together a search party?
18:26Um...
18:26Or do we need to take out some kind of restraining order?
18:29Sorry.
18:30It's not my area.
18:31I'm with the police dog display team.
18:33I'm amazed.
18:36I really am.
18:38Cassie's as quiet as a mouse in the office.
18:40I mean, it's two years since he slipped to one
18:42and she's still obsessed with him.
18:44He must have given her a hell of a seat.
18:47Yes, well, shall we get back to the house?
18:50I'm sure the vet will be fine, you know.
19:04I mean, they can do wonders these days with fractures.
19:07Sometimes they don't even use a cast.
19:08You should have got the police involved.
19:10None of this would have happened.
19:11Another 24 hours?
19:12This will all be over.
19:14It's only tonight's little dinner with your parents,
19:16my dad and Trish.
19:17Oh, God.
19:20Don't forget to keep my dad well away from the booze.
19:22You know what he's like.
19:24Isn't that your dad's fun?
19:25Yeah.
19:26What's he doing here?
19:28I told him not to get it at seven.
19:47I told them not to get it at seven.
20:02I forgot to get it at seven.
20:04I don't know.
20:06I don't know.
20:09sorry about that got down here quicker than we thought we kept ringing the bell but there was
20:26nobody home we were at the rehearsal well we got a bit bored with just waiting so anyway
20:38i'm ron howard's old man dick cook hello i'm trish you must be angela yes
21:08a friend of mine came back once found his wife bound and gagged with her own bra the police catch
21:18them take the trial and the judge lets them off with a warning now that can't be right then well
21:26it's difficult for me to comment without knowing the details of the case his wife's munching on a
21:30d cup and they've cleaned him out that's all you need to know you see you judges are too soft on
21:35these bastards you want to get out there in the real world smell the piss in the lifts
21:39lovely bar from upstairs angie oh thank you mind you just lacking one thing
22:07oh b day i know i thought they were a waste of time but two years ago i was in lanzarote and the
22:15hotel bar from there had one and oh it freshens you right up it's worth thinking about you got the room
22:21for one
22:29what's not what not as me mum says mind you she's really fat and has a chronic heart condition
22:39so um trish i hear you're a lap dancer for the moment yeah and do you enjoy lap dancing i prefer
22:52lap to pole it's less physically demanding and the money's better and you're closer to your clients so
22:59you can work more get them to flash the cash especially on a saturday night well as they say in
23:04our game if you ain't got a monkey in your thong you're doing it wrong
23:12hey fraser you've got a chum who's a professional dancer what's his name gerard that's right a strange
23:19fellow left the tank regiment to set up a ballroom dancing school in hove
23:23was he uh a bit light on his feet in the army not every soldier who doesn't get married it's a pofter
23:31you know
23:50oh are you feeling better ma i'm not going to let a bit of flu get me down
23:56i think i think i should be all right for tomorrow
24:01this is howard's father ma ron
24:04and ron's girlfriend trish
24:08and howard's new best man dom
24:14good god
24:26howard
24:32howard are you in there
24:37what are you doing you've been up here nearly half an hour
24:41what's happening down there they're having liqueurs in the drawing room
24:53what are you doing you've been up here
24:55more more
24:57come on they're asking after you
24:59tell them i'm ill i mean not seriously i'll be okay for tomorrow but i need to be in quarantine for eight hours
25:08your dad said he was going to show us his party trick
25:12what trick the one with the fireworks
25:15thanks for coming
25:17see you tomorrow
25:18safe journey
25:19thanks for a great idea manager
25:21there you're looking for more nights like this
25:23yeah well we're family now
25:25aren't we
25:27thanks for coming
25:29thanks for coming
25:33back
25:35Right.
25:39I'll finish loading the dishwasher.
25:45I'll give you a hand.
25:50Good night.
25:56Good night.
25:58I'm not really trying.
26:07Oh, no. And did you hear Trish's anecdote about the lap dance from the broad sandwich?
26:12No.
26:14Oh, you loved it. It was quite charming.
26:16I did hear her telling my mum how to shave her pubic hair into a heart shape.
26:24Oh, you haven't laughed for days. I know.
26:27You haven't laughed for days, Bill. Get off!
26:32You haven't laughed for days, Billy.
26:35Oi! Come back here.
26:38No.
26:40Come back.
26:42No!
26:46You can't catch me.
26:51Ha-ha.
26:52Right. You've had it.
26:54Come on, then, scaredy cat.
26:55Oh, you're in so much trouble.
26:57Ha-ha!
26:59Whoooo!
27:01Whoooo!
27:03Whoooo!
27:05Whoooo!
27:07Whoooo!
27:08Whoooo!
27:09Whoooo!
27:40Look, the wedding starts in just over an hour.
27:46I'm not screaming at such as my best man.
27:49The bride is just driving off in my bed.
27:51Don't tell me to be quiet.
27:52I will tell you to be quiet, so you won't tell me to be quiet.
27:54I don't want sex with you.
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