- 08/07/2025
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00:00you do want to be with me she's called cassie turner she's been stalking me all week
00:07it's bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other before the ceremony because we've had
00:10really good luck so far this week i've had these feelings for years you know what it's like to
00:16live a lie i think i might make myself a sandwich you've groped my wife you've killed our dog and
00:21now you've hospitalized my mother the wedding's off the bride is just driving off in my back
00:26i'm just gonna drive around see if we can spot her
00:29and dick's locked himself in his stomach it's complete chaos nobody knows where to sit
00:35nobody knows where to park granny you're alive no thanks to your sucked-in fiancée
00:40only smells are why i think we should take up our positions
00:56so
01:07so
01:15MUSIC PLAYS
01:39She's taken!
01:41My daughter's gone!
01:44Listen, somebody has seen the light!
01:46She's been missing for hours! What are you going to do?
01:48Yes! Can we all just sit and calm down!
01:59Right. Thank you.
02:04Mr Steele, could you explain what happened?
02:07Yes, well, my fiancée was late for my wedding,
02:10and then eventually she arrived. Only it wasn't her.
02:14I'm having his babies!
02:16Oh, he's not!
02:17We made love in his fofo!
02:20Once! And it was two years ago!
02:23Oh, Mal!
02:25Oh, thank God you're here!
02:27Oh!
02:29Howard!
02:30I thought you got cold feet!
02:31What the hell is going on?
02:33Oh!
02:34Bloody Cassie just tried to marry me!
02:36What?!
02:37Just walked down the aisle, bold as brass!
02:39Where is she?
02:40Look, I mean, she's gone now. Can't we just do this?
02:42Oh, for God's sake!
02:44Look, if you won't sort her out, I will!
02:47Mel!
02:48Mel, wait! No!
02:49Mel!
02:50Is there going to be a wedding or not?
02:51Yes!
02:57Mel?
02:58Mel?
03:00Mel?
03:01Mel!
03:02Mel!
03:03Mel!
03:04Mel!
03:05Mel!
03:06Mel!
03:07Mel!
03:08Mel!
03:10Eleven and gentlemen, sorry to have kept you.
03:13It's going to be another teeny delay because we seem to have lost the bride...
03:19...again!
03:21Look!
03:22I can't wait here longer!
03:23I've got two other weddings this afternoon!
03:37Yes, right. Well, I think I've got all the details now.
03:43Look, Cassie's got her. I'm sure of it.
03:45I'll go back to the station, put this lot into the computer and we wait.
03:48Wait?
03:49Er, yes.
03:50Wait for what?
03:5224 hours until she becomes a missing person, officially.
03:56So, for the next 12 hours, you're going to do nothing?
03:59Well, yes.
04:00Cassie's taken her!
04:02This is the other woman in the wedding dress?
04:06Yeah, the one Howard banged at the office Christmas party.
04:08Once! Two years ago!
04:11Can you give me a description of this Cassie?
04:13Er, yes. Er, dark-haired. Er, slim.
04:17Quite, er...
04:19Plain.
04:21Not much to look at, really.
04:22Good arse, though.
04:23Oi!
04:23Yeah. Good arse.
04:26Dumb.
04:27And, er, you think she's kidnapped your fiancée, do you?
04:31Yes.
04:33Well, kidnapping's much rarer than you think.
04:36Erm, she could've gone to Alec Bannerman's.
04:38Oh, why would she go to Alec Bannerman's?
04:40Well, she called Alec on a hen night.
04:41What? Who's Alec Bannerman?
04:43The boyfriend before Howard.
04:44I liked Alec Bannerman.
04:45Yeah, they had this chat, like a... like a really long chat.
04:48She hasn't got to Alec Bannerman's. Cassie's got her.
04:50Really nice chap, Alec.
04:51Yeah, I don't think she ever really got over him.
04:53Melissa and Alec Bannerman.
04:56Does anyone have Alec Bannerman's phone number?
04:59Erm, yeah, I'll get up.
05:07Would you like a mini Kiev?
05:09Oh. What are they?
05:10They're balls of chicken and cheese and breadcrumbs.
05:13Oh. Thank you.
05:17Very nice.
05:18Yes, they are, aren't they?
05:20Look, can we please get back to my missing fiancée?
05:23Don't worry, I'm sure she'll turn up.
05:38Most people reported missing do.
05:40Well, it's just as well, isn't it?
05:41Cos you lot don't seem prepared to do anything about it.
05:43Mr Steele, we do have a highly trained missing persons bureau.
05:48In fact, we've only had one failure in the last three years,
05:51and even then it's a bit unfair to hold it against us.
05:54We did find the body.
05:56It was the, er, head we never located.
06:07Your cousins from Toronto have checked out of the hotel.
06:17It wasn't supposed to be like this.
06:21Oh, people billeted all over the county.
06:24150 turbots rotting in the kitchen.
06:27Oh, I can't stand around here doing nothing.
06:30I'm gonna go out and look for her.
06:31Can I borrow your car, please, Dick?
06:32My car?
06:33Yeah.
06:34I'm not sure you're covered by the insurance.
06:37I will be on mine.
06:39You won't be used to it. The clutch is slipping a bit.
06:41Dick, I'm sure it'll be fine.
06:43I'm very low on petrol.
06:44Oh, come on. Give me the keys.
06:46Oh, give up.
06:47It's over.
06:50What?
06:52She's not coming back.
06:55What do you mean?
06:57The poor girl's finally come to her senses.
06:59She's realised she can do better than you.
07:01What you don't seem to realise, Dick, is that Mel loves me.
07:05Oh, does she?
07:08I don't see her here, do you?
07:10Oh, for God's sake, Dick, give him the bloody keys!
07:15Why do you always have to see the worst in everybody?
07:24Satisfied.
07:25I'm not going to lie to you.
07:52Tom.
07:53What?
07:54I can't find Mel's keys.
07:55I need to borrow your car.
07:57It's not very convenient.
07:58Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
08:01Sorry.
08:05Sorry, I really need the keys.
08:09Where are the keys?
08:09What?
08:10The car keys.
08:11They're not in your jacket.
08:12Trousers.
08:13Try our trousers.
08:14Oh, it's there.
08:16It's there, darling.
08:17They're not in your trousers.
08:18Try the table.
08:19Table?
08:19There.
08:20There.
08:20Where?
08:21There.
08:22Sorry.
08:22Right.
08:24Got them.
08:24Thanks.
08:25Carry on.
08:33Howard.
08:33Hmm?
08:34Just wanted to say sorry about earlier.
08:36Hmm?
08:37All that Nancy boy talk.
08:39Oh, Fraser.
08:39Look, it's fine.
08:40Don't worry about it.
08:41I went for a run this morning.
08:43Just taking a cold shower and anything to get rid of those damn feelings.
08:47I'm sure they'll pass.
08:48Er, I'd better get looking for Mel.
08:51Used to get these feelings in the jungle, you know, and, well, if it got too much, you'd
08:55just bore a hole with your bear in it and a papyre and then slip it one.
09:00Ever made love to a papyre?
09:03Can't say I have.
09:03Oh, well, pretty thin on the ground over here.
09:07Little tip for you.
09:09Melon's next best thing.
09:10Great.
09:12Well, I am, but...
09:13Cantaloupe are best.
09:13I'll bear it in mind.
09:14Smaller peps.
09:15Hello?
09:28Hello, Howard.
09:30Cassie, have you got Mel?
09:31Yes.
09:32I knew it!
09:33Look, Howard, you're just not giving us a chance.
09:36Now listen, if you lay a finger on Mel, I'll kill you.
09:38Do you hear that?
09:39I'll bloody kill you!
09:40What was that, Howard?
09:42You're breaking up?
09:43I said, if you lay a finger on Mel, I'll bloody kill you!
09:47You'll have to speak up.
09:48The reception's terrible here.
09:50I said, if you lay a finger on her, I'll bloody kill you!
09:55Something about a finger?
09:58Just don't hurt her.
10:01Eww!
10:02Well, I won't, as long as you do exactly as I say.
10:05Where's Mel?
10:06She's in the boot of my car.
10:08What?
10:09What the hell's going on?
10:10Howard, do you remember that lay-by we made lovely?
10:13I've been after the Christmas party.
10:15In your Volvo.
10:17What?
10:18Outside the quarry by Bucklebury Hill?
10:21Well, Mel and I are in that quarry now.
10:23Look, Cassie, it's been a very long week.
10:27Mel's going to be a witness at our wedding.
10:29All you need to do is bring the vicar.
10:31No, Cassie, I'm going to bring the police.
10:33Howard!
10:35If you do that, Mel goes into the quarry.
10:37Oh, and if you tell anyone, or you don't bring the vicar, Mel goes into the quarry.
10:42And if you don't come in the next hour, Mel goes into the quarry.
10:45Are you getting the pattern here?
10:49With us, Mel goes into the quarry.
11:03Oh.
11:04used to be such a quiet house before he came you know you sit there every week judging people
11:25deciding whether they're right or wrong and yet you are the worst judge of people i know
11:30i don't think that's fair dick you can't even recognize love when it's staring you in the face
11:37love yeah look into howard's eyes and you'll see it i'm not looking into his eyes yeah well i did
11:44just now and you know what i saw i saw his total love for mel and suddenly it all made sense
11:54she's very lucky to have him you're tired you've been under a lot of stress
12:02i want you to have these back what are they checks my christmas and birthday presents for the last six
12:11years you've not cashed them no a christmas birthday christmas birthday oh and there's a couple of
12:18anniversary ones in there as well i give you a check so you can choose something yourself
12:24something nice no dick you give me a check because you don't know what i want and you don't know what
12:30i want because you don't know me anymore rubbish you're my wife oh yes mrs dick cook the judge's
12:36wife the chairman of the rotary club's wife and a mother and a housewife whatever happened to
12:40angela edmonds the art school girl who wanted to study watercolors in venice paint the gondolas and
12:47ended up married to this stuffy old barrister we've been through this that course is six months long
12:53it clashes with the bar summer ball the rotary fate you need it here it's a daft idea yes but it's my idea
13:01i hate this job right look out for signs to bucklebury hill you're on call 24 7 all it takes is for
13:19some idiot to drop dead and there goes your night's telly i missed the last four frames of the snooker
13:24last week it's down here somewhere and you could never say no they report you to the bishop if you
13:29say no he hates my guts i'm already on a warning look do you think you could give me some help with
13:36this help yes everybody wants help these days oh come on what about the spirit of the good samaritan
13:44who crosses the road to help someone in need but samaritan wasn't dragged from his bed at two in the
13:48morning
13:59i'm really sorry to do this mal oh don't apologize
14:12abdus doesn't seem to be able to see that he and i are destined to be together
14:16yes well he can be a bit slow sometimes i really don't enjoy doing this
14:22no no it can't be much fun he could make things a lot easier if he just cancelled the wedding
14:28look why don't you just have him what take him he's all yours i've gone off him
14:37just let me out the boot here and just have him as simple as that as simple as that
14:46i'm not falling for that you think i'm stupid no no not stupid he really does love me he's
14:59always buying me things last christmas he bought me this leather desk diary and then
15:02when he went to stuttgart for that conference he brought me back a gonk did he buy you a gonk
15:07oh no no no gonk
15:14excuse me is your wife about i've got this scotty dog for her from howard oh
15:35do you think there's going to be a wedding tomorrow only the hotel want to know if i need to
15:47stay for another night oh who cares oh i do i don't want to pay for another night i'm sorry
15:55i don't know oh dear they say weddings are stressful when my mother was stressed
16:09she used to sing herself a little song when i was just a little girl i asked my mother
16:18what will i be will i be pretty will i be rich here's what she said to me
16:28okay sirrah sirrah whatever will be will be the future's not ours to see
16:40okay sirrah sirrah come on it's your turn yeah okay okay i spy with my little eye something beginning
16:54with b boot yeah there she is oh god hi howard mel are you okay i've been better right now
17:10let her out hang on a sec howard you'll see i'm holding the handbrake if i release it the car is
17:17going down there give me the keys i'm letting her out oh shit look cassie you're a lovely girl
17:30but i really think you've got problems i've looked you up on the internet and you're quite possibly
17:36bipolar what it's an illness very bad mood swings shut up you should be on a gluten-free diet
17:43now there's a free phone number you can go what's that what's nothing to do with me
17:51you've called the police on bloody do it howard i will i haven't i haven't
17:56right now the vicar is going to marry you and me no he's not you know what i'll do if he doesn't
18:10oh shit i'm not marrying you oh no howard i don't want to go into the quarry don't worry
18:19honey she's bluffing i don't want to take that chance i'm not marrying her mel i love you
18:24howard for great sake just do it what yes just marry her for god's sake
18:30we're gathered here today no sudden movements howard now get on with it uh we're gathered here
18:44yeah yeah yeah just get to the vows
18:45do you i'm sorry what's your name cassie do you cassie take howard to be your lawful wedded husband
18:56i do do you howard take i'm sorry what was your name cassie do you howard take cassie
19:07to be your lawful wedded wife howard
19:11i i i
19:19i'd rather die i'm sorry
19:23oh
19:25oh
19:27oh
19:29oh
19:31oh
19:33oh
19:35oh
19:36oh
19:37oh
19:38oh
19:39oh
19:40oh
19:41oh
19:42oh
19:43oh
19:44oh
19:45oh
19:46oh
19:47oh
19:48i
19:49oh
19:50oh
19:51ah
19:52ass
19:59that's our wedding photo yes i want to use the frame for something else
20:10right yes look um obviously it would be impossible to undo the last 30 odd years
20:26i'm sorry if i i never realized you felt
20:33uh i'd like to take you to venice so you can paint the gondolas
20:45i told you she'd be right she was dangling over a cliff
21:02they always turn up
21:04mel
21:06mel
21:10what
21:12you could have killed us
21:16you wouldn't do it
21:18you bloody idiot
21:20it's alright honey
21:30look can we just get married now before anything else happens
21:36what i just want to do it
21:38now get it over get on with the rest of our lives
21:40now
21:42right now
21:44but where
21:46how
21:48well thou
21:50do you have a ring at all
21:52no
21:54no let's not bother about a ring
21:56no no man i think if we're going to do this we should do it properly
22:00uh
22:02howard
22:04um
22:06your family have been very keen on us having the right ring
22:10no
22:12no
22:14no
22:16no
22:18no
22:20no
22:22no
22:24no
22:26no
22:28no
22:30no
22:32no
22:34no
22:36no
22:38no
22:40no
22:42no
22:44no
22:46no
22:48no
22:50no
22:52no
22:54no
22:56no
22:58no
23:00no
23:02no
23:04no
23:06no
23:08no
23:10no
23:12no
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23:16no
23:18no
23:20no
23:22no
23:24no
23:25no
23:26no
23:28on
23:30the
23:32They deliver the executive conference and not banquet dining. Hello.
23:37Hello.
24:01Sometimes...
24:04...or sometimes...
24:07...it takes a wedding...
24:09...for us to be reminded of what...
24:12...love means.
24:15And watching Howard and Merle this week and seeing how much in love they are...
24:20...made me realise how I felt on my wedding day and...
24:23...how important it is to keep building on the...
24:27...love that Angela...
24:30...and I have for each other.
24:33Some of you may know I wasn't Howard's first choice as best man.
24:39I had to step in at the last minute.
24:41But it's been a privilege to be a part of his wedding...
24:44...watching an old friend marry someone as delightful...
24:48...as Mel.
24:50Howard once said that the ideal wife was an angel in the kitchen...
24:54...and a whore in the bedroom.
24:56And that's exactly what Mel is.
25:07On behalf of my wife and I...
25:09I'd like to thank you all for coming...
25:15...back.
25:17It's been the worst week of my life.
25:21...but also...
25:24...the best.
25:27I'd like to thank my dad for being a great dad.
25:31Though I'm still coming to terms with the idea of having a step-mum...
25:35...who's two years younger than me.
25:37You step out of line, I'll give you a right spanking!
25:40Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
25:45Finally, I'd like to thank Dick and Angela for being sensational hosts.
25:50Yeah, you can.
25:54And Angela, a little present.
26:00Oh!
26:01Oh!
26:02Oh!
26:03Oh!
26:04Oh!
26:05Oh!
26:06Oh!
26:07Oh!
26:08Oh!
26:09Oh!
26:10Oh!
26:11Oh!
26:12Oh!
26:13Oh!
26:14Oh!
26:15Oh!
26:16Oh!
26:17Oh!
26:18Oh!
26:20Oh!
26:22Oh!
26:23Oh!
26:24Oh!
26:25Oh!
26:35Hi-hoo, hi-hoo!
26:40Mum, Dad, guess what?
27:10Dad and I are getting married!
27:40Mum, Dad, guess what?
27:52Mum, Dad, guess what?
28:04Mum, Dad, guess what?
28:16Mum, Dad, guess what?
28:32Mum, Dad, guess what?
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