- 08/07/2025
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FunTranscript
00:00THE END
00:30What have you been drinking, Angela?
00:32Only a couple of glasses.
00:34Oh, come on, Mr Pug.
00:36I'll take that silly old frown away.
01:00THE END
01:30Oh, God.
01:36Good God!
02:00I must have fallen asleep at my post.
02:02So, sir, I didn't mean to wake you.
02:04No, no. Can't you sleep?
02:08No.
02:09Nerves, eh? Before the big show.
02:11Saturday? Something like that.
02:13Know how you feel. Used to get like that on the eve of combat.
02:16Little tip. Mix yourself a drink.
02:19Two parts rum, one part camouflage paint.
02:23You won't fear a thing.
02:25Won't remember a thing, either.
02:28I'll bear it in mind.
02:29Actually, while you're here, old boy,
02:32last wedding I went to,
02:34someone stole my camera.
02:35I suspected the caterers, but I could never prove it.
02:38Right.
02:39Now, you're going to have some pretty well-to-do people
02:42at this wedding of yours,
02:43and I'll bet you haven't thought about security.
02:46You're absolutely right, Fraser.
02:48I hadn't given a moment's thought.
02:50Thought as much.
02:51Now, it's up to you,
02:53but I would be very willing
02:55to act as head of security for the wedding.
02:59Fine.
02:59Whatever.
03:00Excellent.
03:01Good night.
03:03Yes.
03:05Won't let you down.
03:06I'll let you down.
03:36Oh, my God.
04:06Oh, my God.
04:27There you are.
04:29Been looking all over for you.
04:30Hmm?
04:31There's someone to see you.
04:36Good morning.
04:42Good morning, Howard.
04:43Would you like a coffee?
04:44Oh, yes.
04:45Thank you, Angela.
04:46Howard, this is Mr Turner.
04:48Hello.
04:49Hello, Howard.
04:50Barry Turner.
04:51I've come about Cassie.
04:53Cassie?
04:54What's that mad cow done now?
04:56Cassie's my daughter.
04:57Is she?
04:58Yeah.
04:59Well, when I say mad cow, I mean, she's a right nutter.
05:03You know, in a really fun sort of way.
05:05It's just somebody at the office.
05:07She's in love with you.
05:08Now, that is mad.
05:10She said the two of you were having a relationship and you abandoned her.
05:13Oh, my God.
05:14No, no, no, no, no, no.
05:15I mean, it wasn't really a relationship.
05:17It was just one night.
05:19You know, we both had a lot to drink at the Christmas party and things got a bit out of
05:23hand.
05:24You know what I mean?
05:25No.
05:26Well, anyway, it was over two years ago.
05:28What are we going to do, Howard?
05:29She's still nuts about you.
05:31Just a girlish crush on the boss.
05:33All she ever talks about is you.
05:34Well, no, that's not healthy.
05:35All she ever thinks about is you.
05:36Well, she shouldn't.
05:37And only yesterday I found this poem she wrote hidden under her pillow.
05:42Please don't read it.
05:43When it came to men, I was always something of a coward.
05:47But I'd never found true love until I met Howard.
05:50But it rhymes.
05:51I wouldn't call it a poem.
05:52With his hands and his tongue, with pleasure did I squeal.
05:56This was sex with the man of my dreams.
05:59Howard Steele.
06:00Well, that's all very well and good, Barry, but I'm marrying Mel on Saturday.
06:06She's not eating.
06:07She's not been at work all week.
06:09She just sits in that flat of hers, sobbing and screaming how you ruined her life.
06:14How's that coffee coming on, Angela?
06:17Imagine if it was your little girl, Mr Cook.
06:20Yes.
06:21Well, it is.
06:23Call it off.
06:25What?
06:26The wedding.
06:27Please, give her another chance.
06:29Look.
06:30You don't understand.
06:31There was no relationship.
06:32We just had sex in the back of my vulva.
06:34Oh!
06:35Oh!
06:36Oh!
06:37It was all over in ten minutes.
06:38It was nothing.
06:39Really.
06:40And there was good sex.
06:41Don't get me wrong, but meaningless.
06:43She's talking about killing herself, Mr Cook.
06:46Oh!
06:47Well, now that's just irresponsible.
06:49Oh!
06:50Oh!
06:51Oh!
06:52I'm begging you!
06:54Please!
06:55Barry, please get up.
06:58Oh!
06:59I...
07:00Oh, hello.
07:01Hello.
07:02This is Mr Turner, darling.
07:04Hello.
07:05Cassie's father.
07:06Cassie?
07:07The woman Howard slept with at the Christmas party, who wants to marry him.
07:12You're Mel?
07:13Yes.
07:14You're marrying her?
07:15Yes.
07:16Her?
07:17Yes.
07:18What's she got the mic?
07:19Cassie hasn't.
07:20And another thing!
07:21I...
07:22You...
07:23Howard, have you got any intention of doing anything about that woman?
07:39Who?
07:40Cassie!
07:41Yes.
07:42What?
07:43Well...
07:44You know, it's one thing having her meddling in our lives, but I do not want her getting my
07:47parents involved.
07:48I know, I know, I know.
07:49Good.
07:50Ah!
07:51The orders of service have arrived.
07:53Angela, I wouldn't worry about that stuff in there.
07:55What?
07:56All that business about Cassie.
07:57It was a long time ago.
07:58All in the past.
07:59Well, I am worrying.
08:00It seems very much in the present, as far as Cassie is concerned.
08:04It was only one night?
08:05I mean, if every woman I'd slept with behaved like that, we'd be in real time.
08:08No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:09What I'm trying to say is...
08:10Well, how many of these women are there?
08:12Not many.
08:13Not many at all.
08:14A few.
08:15What's a few?
08:16Less than 30.
08:17Oh, God!
08:18I've had 20 years.
08:19Angela, that's only an average of 1.4 a year.
08:23Look, I'm very focused on Mel right now.
08:25She's the only one in my bed.
08:26Life!
08:27And I'm very much the only one.
08:29And I really wanted you to know that.
08:31Angela, have you seen my fountain pen?
08:32Hello, Dick.
08:33We were just clearing up one or two things.
08:34Right.
08:35Oh, by the way, I spoke to Eve.
08:36She's going to bring down your wristwatch today.
08:38I really wouldn't bother her.
08:39You want to keep the condoms?
08:40No, I do not want to keep the condoms.
08:41Of course you don't.
08:42Sorry, Angela.
08:43Dick, I think I saw your fountain pen in the drawing room.
08:47Right.
08:48We'll probably be heading back to London in about an hour.
09:03Oh, good.
09:04Mel's hen knight and my stag do.
09:09I see.
09:12Yes!
09:13My last night of freedom before marriage and a lifetime of slavery.
09:22Not that I'm suggesting you're Angela's slave.
09:26Far from it.
09:28She lets you do stuff.
09:30Uh, I mean, you're the one that wears the trousers.
09:33Not that Angela doesn't sometimes wear the trousers.
09:36Um, you both wear the trousers.
09:38And that's the great thing about your marriage, Dick.
09:41I mean, equal trousers.
09:46Howard, you've been under a lot of strain lately.
09:49Yeah.
09:50I've been thinking,
09:52if you want more time for things to settle down,
09:56I'm sure we'd be able to postpone the wedding.
09:59Yes.
10:00Oh, no, I don't think that'll be necessary, Dick.
10:02I think it's worth considering.
10:03Well, it's a...
10:04It's a kind offer, but, er...
10:05I don't think so.
10:06Certainly wouldn't be any trouble.
10:07Well, there's really no need.
10:08Just say the word and I'll pull the plug.
10:09I don't want to pull the plug.
10:10Why don't you sleep on it?
10:11I don't need to.
10:12Mull it over.
10:13Dick, I don't want to postpone the wedding.
10:14I can cancel it in a jiffy.
10:16I'll leave it with you.
10:17Come on, Eve.
10:18Right.
10:19Can I speak frankly?
10:20Yes.
10:21You look...
10:22...shy.
10:23Sorry, Eve, love.
10:24But you haven't really got the plug.
10:25I can cancel it in a jiffy.
10:26I'll leave it with you.
10:27I'll leave it with you.
10:38Come on, Eve.
10:40Right.
10:41Can I speak frankly?
10:42Yes.
10:43You look...
10:44...shy.
10:45Sorry, Eve, love.
10:46But you haven't really got the frame to go figure-hugging.
10:47You should go baggy.
10:48At least I'm invited to the wedding.
10:49PHONE RINGS
10:50What do you think?
10:51Hello.
10:52Howard Steele's office.
10:53Eve Whittle speaking.
10:54Right.
10:55Well, he stagnates tonight.
10:56I don't know.
10:57I don't know.
10:58I don't know.
10:59I don't know.
11:00I don't know.
11:01I don't know.
11:02I don't know.
11:03I don't know.
11:04I don't know.
11:05I don't know.
11:06I don't know.
11:07I don't know.
11:08What?
11:09Well, he stagnates tonight.
11:10It's just my boyfriend Martin's going and he's lost the address.
11:17White Horse in Richmond.
11:21Good.
11:23Thanks very much.
11:25You all right, Dad?
11:39Yes, I'm fine.
11:40I was thinking we haven't had much time to talk recently.
11:44No.
11:45This wedding has rather taken over our lives.
11:47Yes, in fact, you and I have hardly talked about the wedding at all.
11:52No.
11:53No, I don't suppose we have.
11:54You do think you're going to be happy with, um...
11:56Howard?
11:57Him, yes.
11:58Yes, of course I do.
12:00Look, I know the last few days have been a bit odd, but he's the one for me, Dad.
12:06So, no second thoughts, then?
12:07None.
12:08Because it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind and all that.
12:09Dad, I love him.
12:10Well, you loved Henry, but you didn't marry him.
12:11Henry was my pony.
12:12All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be any trouble if you wanted to put things on hold.
12:13I don't want to put things on hold.
12:14Well, don't completely rule this out.
12:15Dad, I want to marry Howard.
12:16I want to be his wife and the mother of his children.
12:19Oh, for God's sake!
12:20What is it?
12:21All right, then.
12:22Me orders of service have arrived.
12:23Looks fine.
12:24What's wrong?
12:25I don't know.
12:26Oh, that was my pony.
12:27All I'm saying is, it wouldn't be any trouble if you wanted to put things on hold.
12:30I don't want to put things on hold.
12:31Well, don't completely rule it out.
12:32Dad, I want to marry Howard.
12:33I want to be his wife and the mother of his children.
12:37Oh, for God's sake!
12:39Oh, God!
12:40What is it?
12:41I can't.
12:42All right, everybody.
12:43Me orders of service have arrived.
12:44Looks fine.
12:45What's wrong?
12:46What's wrong?
12:47Read the front page.
12:49Closely.
12:50Welcome to the marriage of Melissa, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Richard...
12:54Cock.
12:55Oh, God!
12:58They're all the same!
13:00For God's sake, Angela, can't you do anything right?
13:02I didn't proofread them!
13:04Yes.
13:05That much is obvious.
13:06Somebody else proofread them.
13:08Oh.
13:14Actually, don't worry about these, Angela,
13:16because there's some printers we use a lot at work.
13:18They're very reliable.
13:19They'll have these sorted in no time.
13:22I bet this has happened to you loads of times before, isn't it, Dick?
13:25No.
13:26Right.
13:27You all right, honey?
13:28You've been very quiet.
13:29Hmm.
13:30Just think, two days' time, we'll be married, and then the Seychelles beckons.
13:34Are you really okay?
13:35Yeah.
13:36Tell you what, why don't we run through your checklist one more time?
13:37See if we can avoid any more cock-ups.
13:38Oh, yeah.
13:39Oh, yeah.
13:40Suit.
13:41Suit.
13:42Ben's bringing it down tomorrow.
13:43Hat.
13:44Your mother's arranging to guarantee colour coordination.
13:45Shoes.
13:46Brogues black in the bag.
13:47Good.
13:48Shres, shoes.
13:49Brock, would you just look deep, I'd hear you but, how do you think the answer should
13:51be going to get in the seat?
13:52It's all about the same way?
13:53It's all about the same.
13:54You're pretty good.
13:55I've got to take in trouble.
13:56Just think, two days' time, we'll be married.
13:57And then the Seychelles beckons.
13:58Are you really OK?
13:59Yeah.
14:00Tell you what, why don't we run through your checklist one more time?
14:01See if we can avoid any more cock-ups.
14:03Oh, yeah.
14:04Suit.
14:05Ben's bringing it down tomorrow.
14:06Hat.
14:07Your mother's arranging to guarantee colour coordination.
14:09Shoes.
14:10Brogues black in the bag?
14:11guaranteed colour coordination shoes brogues black in the bag good shirt brand new needs
14:18ironing cufflinks yeah these are the only ones i've got oh yeah tie uh choice four your mother
14:23can choose what are those initials on your cufflinks h and c c what does c stand for um
14:33um h and c hot and cold or howard and cassie howard don't be ridiculous honestly i've never heard of
14:47anything okay she gave them to me two birthdays ago as a present it was no big deal you know i
14:51i just like them so i kept them and you were planning to wear them to our wedding
14:57no for god's sake what's going on nothing why do i think you're not telling me the truth
15:02all the time you're keeping stuff from me i'm not christ sometimes i think i don't even know who
15:06you are howard that is if your name is howard of course it is oh well that is something
15:13when i say that actually howard's my middle name my first name's wrong but i must be known as howard
15:32that's the one thanks a lot tom that is a great help unbelievable mr and mrs richard cock yeah i know
15:54dick cock yeah dick cock you got it so anyway tell those princesses to do it properly this time
16:01yeah cool hell man i'll sort it out first thing tomorrow thanks a lot
16:04so uh yeah yeah well i couldn't help over here and eve talking about your stag night oh right yes tonight
16:15isn't it yeah so it is uh yeah it's probably gonna be really boring well i was just wondering if if
16:25if i could come along please oh i'd love to invite you dom it's just well ben's organized it all so
16:31well why didn't he invite me i honestly don't know is this about setting his trousers on fire who knows
16:36i was only trying to light his farts dom it was with a blowtorch oh come on now man look dom if it
16:42was up to me look thanks for sorting the orders of service see you then
17:13well it's me look i feel absolutely terrible let's work baby i don't want to talk about it now
17:21ronald look obviously i wasn't gonna wear the cufflinks howard not now i was gonna buy some more
17:26cufflinks in fact those were my backup cufflinks howard go away mel mel mel
17:31don't you tell me to go away oh forget about that come on let's party
17:43richard
17:44tom
17:46ronald
17:47ronald
17:48ronald
17:50chrissy boy
17:51tarn
17:52and nick
17:53ben
17:54what are you doing you're early i said eight o'clock precisely it's 22. oh right sorry
18:03where are the others they're not here because they're not early like you you've ruined
18:07everything come on ben look quickly before i forget could you look after something what is it
18:13the wedding ring you shouldn't have that on your stag night no i know i'm sorry i just forgot
18:17for god's sake as it weren't enough to worry about ben ben ben it's an old family heirloom
18:22please please don't lose it oh there safe as houses i'm very cross with you for being
18:30early you're meant to make an entrance hey come on what the hell is he doing here sorry we agreed
18:38not to invite him we agreed he's all right he's not all right he's a spectacular pain in the ass not
18:44bad benny benny the bender how you doing you great fat bender
19:00oh
19:17ah this is shy where is everyone i don't understand it i issued everyone with a map and a timetable
19:24bloody voicemail only an hour late i think i should call melligan looks like you screwed up
19:30i did not screw up dom i do not screw up well where is everyone then i don't know this is the
19:36worst stag night i've ever been on should i call melligan no for christ's sake leave it this is your
19:41stag night relax you're scheduled to have fun sitting in a pub we can do this any night of the week
19:47benny look i didn't even want you here guys guys why couldn't we have done something fun like
19:57paintballing i suggested paintballing he didn't want to go paintballing what's wrong with paintballing
20:03i don't like paintballing no i don't like go-kart racing either i suggested go-kart racing i love go-kart
20:09racing me too oh why couldn't we go go-kart racing you great bender i don't like go-kart racing i don't like
20:14go-kart racing i just thought it would be nice to spend a civilized evening with my friend
20:18oh where are they then how the hell should i know
20:28you're right did i tell you that i dumped giles why did you catch him wearing his old lover's
20:47cufflinks huh was giles wearing his old girlfriend's cufflinks no just wearing his old girlfriend
20:57i think bannerman never wore someone else's cufflinks alec bannerman what are you thinking
21:06about him for i bumped into his sister last week she said he's doing really well
21:14why did i ever done panic bannerman um because he was the most boring man on the planet yeah
21:23he never wore his old girlfriend's cufflinks pick up the phone mail for god's sake you know he's been
21:32an utter drag about this whole wedding thing not back every one of my ideas i suggested cutting the
21:37cake with the ceremonial sword my father's lend the event a bit of class he doesn't want to a sword
21:43i sound like a cracking idea to me just for the first slice you know for the photos after that the
21:48caterers can use a cake slice yeah more practical exactly so i said to my father clean up the sword
21:53a bit bring it down next time you visit but he won't use it why won't you use the sword you miserable
21:59bender is this thing happening tonight or not i've got 12 stakes downstairs waiting for you lot
22:08we're just waiting for the rest of our party are you sure you got the right night of course we've got the
22:13right night and you've got the right white horse
22:30hi alec it's it's mel mel cook
22:34blast from the past oh it's a shame you're not there look i'm um i'm
22:39getting married in a couple of days and i'm calling to see how you
22:45ah uh what's uh what's going on in your life yeah
22:51yeah look i'm i'm really sorry about some of the things i said when we split up i think i said you
22:56were boring which is not fair you're not boring at all and uh yeah a lot of the time things with you
23:03you were very un boring that weekend at the motor show was so not boring
23:10anyway it'd be great to to catch up and and uh and and and yeah um
23:18bye
23:23right it's this way there are the other white horse idiots we'll get a cab hello mel it's me
23:30howard that's right yeah yeah are you okay
23:38no no it's just you're slowing your words quite badly look i've got to see you honey
23:44no no don't go to bed look honestly my mother said never go to sleep on a row
23:48that's it yeah yeah try and get it all up oh dear uh look i'll see in 20 minutes thanks the party
23:59guys i'm gonna go see mark what get back here hey no simon stay there we'll come to you
24:06well it's just simpler that way we'll be there in 10 minutes
24:17oh for god's sake hello howard what are you doing you don't seem to be getting the message
24:26what my life isn't worth living without you look i've been through all this with your father this
24:34has got to stop call the wedding off no i'm marrying mel goodbye then howard what
24:44you must oh i see right yeah okay goodbye i will jump good i will well go on then do it go on jump
24:58kill yourself steady on hours throw yourself off if you're gonna do it do it but it's not gonna make
25:04make the slightest bit of difference oh jesus no cassie
25:19don't you're supposed to be best man get in there
25:35uh
25:55Okay
25:57yeah that's right long time now here
26:01yeah yeah married in two days time
26:06Uh-huh.
26:09So, what's happening in your life?
26:13Oh, that's great. What is it?
26:16An Audi.
26:18No, no, I don't know it.
26:21Oh, well, that's a good colour.
26:26Uh-huh.
26:29Is it unleaded?
26:31Diesel.
26:33Right, right, yeah.
26:35Uh-huh.
27:04Do it, he says. Jump.
27:08So she did.
27:09I mean, no-one was more surprised than me.
27:11Can you imagine me face?
27:12You saved my life.
27:14Oh, shut up.
27:15I won't give up. I love you!
27:20Now that is what I call a great stag night.
27:24Where's Ben?
27:25Oh, he swallowed a lot of water.
27:27Shouldn't have pushed him in.
27:28What do you mean?
27:30He can't swim.
27:33What?
27:34Can I ask you some questions, sir?
27:40Sorry?
27:41Just a few questions.
27:42Yeah, that's my best man, isn't it?
27:43Yeah, well, it won't take long.
27:44Well, where are they taking him? I can't do the wedding without him.
27:46Sir.
27:47Oh, my God, he's got the ring.
27:48Sir.
27:48Ben!
27:49Ben!
27:49Just a couple of questions.
27:51Look!
27:51Will you just piss off?
27:54I do nothing wrong!
27:56Look, I need to talk to my fiancée.
27:58And it's the literature.
27:59Where the hell have you been?
28:19Look, the wedding's going to fall apart without you.
28:21He's such an arsehole.
28:22The English prozies aren't a patch on the ones in Thailand.
28:25You judges are too soft on these bastards.
28:28Which is about five foot eight, mad eyes.
28:30I'm just, I'm really worried what you might do next.
28:32Another 24 hours.
28:34This will all be over.
28:34Oh, God.
29:04God bless you.
29:05God bless you.
29:23God bless you.
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