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00:00Get out! You're barred! We don't want your type in here! Never type in this door again!
00:21Cow!
00:26What'd you do that for, Guff? She wasn't doing any harm.
00:29And she was a cracker. I could have had her.
00:33She was a troublemaker. She was collecting for the church.
00:36She wanted a pint, Steve. A pint!
00:40You know I can't serve a woman a pint. It's a pint for the fella, glass of white wine, fruit-based drink for the lady.
00:47Rules is rules. Rules is rules.
00:50And if we didn't have rules, then where would we be, eh? France!
00:54But, Guff!
00:58Don't judge me. I'm not saying it's right, am I? No.
01:01I'm not saying it's wrong. No. It's just the way things are. The way things bloody are.
01:06PHONE RINGS
01:07Oh, Christ.
01:08PHONE RINGS
01:09PHONE RINGS
01:10Hello?
01:15Who are you? You bloody pervert!
01:19A man making these sounds in another man's ear? It's not normal!
01:24I was never confused!
01:27You can't bar somebody from a pub because they want to drink beer.
01:31I know that, Steve. Do I look stupid?
01:36I bar her... Oh, Christ. Move over.
01:39I bar her because she wanted nibbles. Nibbles! Nibbles!
01:44We don't do nibbles in here. We do food! Food! Food!
01:49Nibbles is what you call your cat.
01:53I had a cat called Nibbles once.
01:56You see?
01:57They had to put him down. His hip went.
02:00He was dragging himself around the house. It was painful to see.
02:04Yeah, but the point is this.
02:06They don't do artificial hits for cats.
02:09It's hard enough to get them for people these days.
02:12Oh, dear. What a pity. Never mind.
02:15You don't do nibbles in here.
02:17If it's a good companion...
02:18No, no! Leave it!
02:20The point is this.
02:21We don't do nibbles, yeah?
02:23We do good, honest pub grub, yeah?
02:25One syllable, pub food, yeah?
02:27Pie, peas, crisps, nuts, egg, chips, beans.
02:32Not olives.
02:34Not Doritos.
02:36Not Ken of Pais.
02:38No! Me Andrew Veg!
02:40Not digitables, mind. Veg!
02:43I just thought the pub might have a bit of a nicer atmosphere
02:46if there were a few more women.
02:51And if Terry would stop farting.
02:53Oh, just as God may be.
02:55Steve, this is a pub.
02:57A pub!
02:58A great British pub!
03:00And that is why we do not want women in here.
03:03Present company accepted, of course.
03:06I never really think of her as a woman.
03:09Trust me, that woman!
03:11Stone where you are! Free crisps!
03:13Free crisps!
03:14Don't look at them!
03:16What I meant to say, obviously,
03:19what I meant to say is we don't want women on their own.
03:22I mean, a woman on their own in a pub, it's not normal!
03:25It's against God and nature!
03:27It is wrong!
03:28Now, if you see a man on his own in a pub, what does that tell you, eh?
03:32That he's an alcoholic.
03:33Steve, please!
03:34Don't use the A word in here.
03:36You know I prefer the term, publican's friend.
03:39No, I mean, a man on his own in a pub is a beautiful thing, isn't it?
03:44He strikes a solitary figure.
03:46He's a poet.
03:47A sage.
03:48Seeking solace from the stress and strain of the modern world.
03:51He's a single-handed soul navigating the treacherous waters of the human condition.
03:56A philosopher prince!
03:57Taking time to get to grips with who and what he is.
04:00It's a beautiful thing, a man on his own in a pub.
04:05Whereas, a woman on her own in a pub is a haw!
04:08No two ways about it.
04:12Out to get it any way she can with whoever's available.
04:16It's been a year!
04:20And we don't want this pub full of that sort of women, do we, fellas?
04:23No.
04:24Thank you, Professor.
04:26Malt whiskey, Steve.
04:28How'd you do that again?
04:30It's the brown one.
04:33It's the 21st century now, Gov.
04:35The future.
04:36Literally, the future.
04:37You can't discriminate against women like that any more.
04:40Hark at him, the female Enoch.
04:45Steve.
04:46I'm all for equality.
04:47I am.
04:48Yeah, that's why I let my female staff work longer.
04:51So they can earn the same as the men.
04:52Back off, Brussels!
04:53A woman should know her place.
04:55Exactly, Terry.
04:56And it just so happens a woman's place is on the end of my...
04:58Terry!
04:59Yes!
05:00On the end of my Terry!
05:01As I sometimes call him.
05:02Oh, Christ.
05:03Hello?
05:04Not you again.
05:05Disgusting!
05:06I want you to know I'm not enjoying this in any way whatsoever.
05:19I was never confused.
05:20Still, it's been a year.
05:22No!
05:23Hold on, Terry.
05:24Aren't you barred?
05:25I don't think so, Gov.
05:26Didn't I bar him, Steve?
05:27You did, Gov.
05:28He shaved off half of Gary's fur.
05:29And stuck it in a glass as a set-up to a punt about the hair of the dog.
05:46That's right, but he fumbled the punchline.
05:47Oh, imagine if he'd got it right.
05:48Could have been hilarious.
05:49All right, all right.
05:50Don't rub it in.
05:51I was overcoat with guilt about what happened to Gary.
05:52I bought him this.
05:53There.
05:54I think it quite suits him.
05:55If I was a lady dog, I might quite fancy him in that.
05:56I mean, I'm not, so I don't.
05:57I don't know, Terry.
05:58Don't do it.
05:59I don't know, Terry.
06:00Don't do it.
06:01I don't do it.
06:02I don't do it.
06:03I don't do it.
06:04I don't do it.
06:05I don't do it.
06:06I don't do it.
06:07I don't do it.
06:08I don't do it.
06:09I don't do it.
06:10I mean, I'm not, so I don't.
06:11I don't know, Terry.
06:15Don't buy me, Garth.
06:17I'm sorry.
06:18What if I buy you all a drink?
06:20All right.
06:21Just this once.
06:22Usual, please, Steve.
06:24Sorry?
06:25What are you having again?
06:26Just the same thing he's had every day, eight times a day, including Christmas Day, for
06:30the past five years you worked him out.
06:33A pint of Thackeray's.
06:35You tit.
06:37Honestly, why do I employ you?
06:41Well, possibly, because no one else would be willing to work for 180 an hour.
06:45And no national insurance.
06:46I've got a first aid kit in the kitchen.
06:48I'm not paying twice.
06:50You don't watch your lips, son.
06:53I'll have to let you go.
06:54Listen, this job's always been just temporary.
06:56There's a stopgap till I find my true vocation.
06:59Till you find your true vacation, more like.
07:02Ah!
07:03Can I come tell?
07:05Most amusing.
07:06Look at his face.
07:08It's a picture.
07:09Steve, when you're leaving us then, eh?
07:13Well, the minute you find anyone prepared to take my place, I'll be delighted to go.
07:17Good day, mate.
07:18Have you got any work going?
07:20Aussies!
07:21It's instinct.
07:22They can sniff out the bar job from 14,000 miles.
07:34Amazing, isn't she?
07:35Bloody amazing.
07:37Bread for it, of course, Australian.
07:49Genetically engineered for bar work.
07:51The Australian male can hold 18 pints of lager.
08:06We're webbing between the fingers for spillage.
08:08And our soup will pouch on the stomach for carrying the Bombay mix.
08:12She hasn't spilt a drug.
08:13But that's impossible.
08:14It's instinct.
08:15Instinct!
08:16Oh, yeah.
08:17She's good.
08:18It's just a shame you don't want women in the pub.
08:23Oh, no, Steve.
08:24It's okay if the women are serving.
08:25Serving the men.
08:26It's a woman's duty to serve a man in any way that that man so chooses to be served.
08:38It's been a year.
08:39I mean, men cannot serve each other, can they, Stephen?
08:44No!
08:45I was never confused.
08:48It's coming out of your wages, Steve.
08:52I think it's very forward-thinking of you, Gav, to employ a female barman.
08:57Thanks, Terry.
08:58Plus, here's a kit of your free quid for the first one of us to shag her.
09:03Darling, you've got the job.
09:07Ah, bonza.
09:08Nice-mottom bullet head.
09:09Gav.
09:10Around here people call me Gav, not that head thing you just said.
09:13Oh, that's a shame.
09:14I kind of like head.
09:16Yeah, well, never mind.
09:20Whatever you say, bullet head.
09:21Gav!
09:22All right, all right.
09:23Keep your hair on.
09:26Keep your hair on.
09:27Now, you are pretty cute for a pom.
09:31That doesn't mean I'm going to let you fussick around in my backpack, though.
09:34I don't think I want to.
09:35Yeah, of course you do.
09:36I'm Janet.
09:37I'm a bit frightened.
09:38Are you still here?
09:40Are you really going to check me out on the streets after all these years?
09:45I know, Steve.
09:46It'll be hard.
09:47I mean, you've been like a son to me, haven't you?
09:49Yeah?
09:50Sitting around the house all day, eating crisps, watching telly.
09:54Arms from me back, never lifting a finger to help.
09:57And setting off within me a sense of nagging disappointment.
10:00I'll miss my boy, that's all.
10:03No, it's all right, Steve.
10:05I won't just chuck you out straight away.
10:07I'll let you work out the rest of today.
10:09Of course, if the Aussie screws up, I'll have you back with open arms.
10:12Crisps.
10:13That gives me a little idea.
10:15Will you look at those two?
10:18Does he stick his hand up her coit later and do a ventriloquist act?
10:22Shut up!
10:23Don't catch your eye!
10:24She's talking to that tigger.
10:26Is she nuts?
10:29Free crisps!
10:30Stay!
10:31Stay!
10:32Un goa!
10:33Un goa!
10:36I'm, uh, North Whiskey, Piers.
10:39So, uh, why do they call you the professor?
10:41Are you, like, really clever there?
10:42Not really.
10:43It's just the nickname for any bloke in a pub wearing glasses.
10:47Come on, Gav.
10:49Remember that time he won two quid on the trip machine?
10:52And it wasn't a question on sport, either.
10:56So, what do you, uh, think of Greg's Britain?
10:58Uh, it's all right.
10:59All right?!
11:00No, love!
11:01It's great, innit?
11:02The clue's in the name.
11:06Yeah.
11:07I mean, where you're from is just Australia, innit?
11:09Australia, innit?
11:10Hasn't got an adjective, has it, love?
11:11It's not OK Australia, is it?
11:14It's cos everyone knows we're great, mate.
11:16What do you make of her, Prof?
11:17Female Caucasian of Antipodean origin.
11:18Printed by Earth years of age, 157 centimetres, 57 kilograms.
11:19Oi!
11:20Prof!
11:21No metric in my gas!
11:23Back off, Russells!
11:24Yeah, but she's a bit of a looker, ain't she, eh?
11:25You know, in a certain light.
11:26Well, I wouldn't know about that.
11:27I do, I'll tell you what, pal, the minute I saw her, I knew.
11:33That is the woman I'm going to marry.
11:39Well, hello there.
11:40Have you farted?
11:41That or do I'll tell you what pal the minute I saw on new that is a woman. I'm going to marry
11:53Well hello there
11:58It's fucking shocking better at an in well, that's certainly true of your penis
12:03Did that girl say penis no, no, no, it was happiness
12:13No, it was penis
12:15You know, cock, schlong, the one-eyed trouser snake
12:20Would you get that please love, ha
12:23G'day
12:25Jesus Christ you pervo
12:28Is that the best you can do?
12:31This is heavy breathing
12:32He hung up
12:41Oh, even a pervert has to draw the line somewhere
12:44And shandy
12:46Sorry
12:47Same again, please
12:51There you go, Gaspence
12:58But that's impossible
13:00Look at this face, it's a picture
13:12Steve, that's coming out of your wages
13:14The minute he touched it, it exploded all over his face
13:19Hey, that reminds me of my last boyfriend
13:21What does she mean?
13:25I've absolutely no idea
13:27Look at you, you're all fingers and thumbs
13:31Hey, you sound like my ideal man
13:33What am I like?
13:36Quite unpleasant if you want an honest opinion
13:38Now, do you want me to rub you down?
13:42No
13:43I want mine
13:44Hello there
13:46Ah, the usual, right?
13:48Please
13:48Decoray as it is
13:50She's never even served him before and she knows his usual
13:54That's impossible
13:56Oh, nature calls
13:59So who's he?
14:00Only her oldest customer
14:02Been drinking in here since my father's day and before
14:04What's he called?
14:05I don't know
14:06Steve
14:08I haven't got a clue
14:10Bugger if I know
14:11Prof
14:12Terry, isn't it?
14:14No, that's me, you donut
14:15Sorry, I...
14:18I really thought I needed to go
14:20But when I got there, I didn't
14:22Er, excuse me, Pops, what are you called?
14:24Oh, I'd rather not say
14:25Sometimes you want to go where nobody knows your name
14:30Give us a drink, my throat's as dry as a nun's nasty
14:35God blimey
14:36That probably means something else in Australia, doesn't it?
14:40No, no, it means...
14:40Can't you shut up?
14:43No, no, please
14:43Please put some lime in it
14:45Jeez, it's warm
14:47I'm not drinking that shit, house grog
14:49It's warmer than a nappy full of crap
14:51You pommies are feral
14:53Are you sure that you're Terry?
15:00I give up, Gov
15:09It's all over
15:10Shall I show Janet where she'll be sleeping?
15:14That's very civil of you, Stephen
15:15Go ahead
15:16Yeah, take me upstairs, spunky bum
15:19Well, that must mean something else in Australia
15:23Yeah, that one does, it's a compliment
15:26What?
15:26There are no circumstances in which spunky bum could ever be a compliment
15:31I know your game, you totally little ripper
15:36Couldn't you wait half an hour?
15:37Really?
15:38I'm not interested
15:38Get off
15:39Here it is
15:43Jeez
15:44Who's Carl?
15:48Carl?
15:49Governor's son
15:50Shot for Carlsberg
15:51If they'd had a girl, they were going to call her Stella
15:53So where is the chip off the old bullet?
15:56Oh, God
15:57He isn't
15:58No, no
16:00Gov's missus walked out with him a year ago
16:02Hit the Gov very hard
16:03No one knows where they are
16:05Oh, poor bloke
16:06Look, um
16:08I don't think I can stay in here
16:10It's like a shrine
16:12A shrine?
16:13Don't be stupid
16:15Just make yourself comfortable
16:16Do what you like
16:18In fact, if there's anything you don't like
16:20Chuck it away
16:21Yeah, the governor would want you to make the place your own
16:24Oh, thanks a lot, sweet nuts
16:26I'll do that
16:27Excellent
16:29And I told her you'd be furious
16:35But she barged in there anyway
16:37Well, maybe it's for the best
16:40What?
16:41No, it isn't
16:42There's a shrine
16:43You haven't touched a thing
16:44No, I hadn't, Stephen
16:45Because that would be housework
16:47You've got to draw the line somewhere
16:51It's nice to know that someone's getting a use of it
16:55I can stand by the door
16:57And listen to her breathing while she's asleep
16:59I'm so alone
17:01Oh, thanks, sweetheart
17:04You're really helping me out here
17:05I'm filling up
17:06And that rent is coming out of your wages
17:09Okay
17:09Don't worry, I'll get it this time
17:12I'll sort this toilet out
17:14Listen, mate
17:15I don't know what your game is, but
17:16Tony
17:17Tony
17:18Tony?
17:19Is that you?
17:20It's Tony Harris
17:21Tony Harris?
17:21Tony Harris
17:22He's the area manager of the brewery
17:25And the man's so fat
17:26If you put him into orbit
17:27He'd be classified as a moon
17:29Why is he doing this?
17:30Has he gone mad?
17:31He's not heavy breathing, Gov
17:33He's crying
17:33Crying?
17:35A man crying?
17:36It's worse
17:37He's the moon of the man
17:39The man moon
17:40Why is he crying?
17:41He's been sacked
17:42They can't sack Tony Harris
17:43They have
17:44They've bloody sacked him
17:45They've sacked Tony Harris
17:46Moon man
17:47They can't sacked you, Tony
17:48You're Tony Harris
17:49You've given them the best years of your life
17:52Man and boy
17:53Moon and boy
17:54You gave that brewery your heart and soul
17:56More's the point
17:57He was going to give me my carvery
17:59I was going to make me money on the food
18:00My moon
18:03Show some respect, Stephen
18:06But if you don't watch your lip
18:07I'm going to have to sack you
18:08You already have
18:09Oh, thanks for reminding me
18:11Now piss off
18:12Please don't make me go, Gov
18:15You owe me
18:16Think of all I've done for you
18:18Those four months I pretended to be Carl
18:21I even wore the shorts
18:22It was my guy
18:23You were like, shut up
18:24I'll give you one last chance, Stephen
18:27It's you or her
18:28But a decision like this
18:30Calls for a real test
18:31Behold
18:36Arthur's old Excalibur
18:38The fabled, unpourable
18:40Real ale of yore
18:42Many have attempted to draw a pint
18:45And as many have failed
18:47Legend has it
18:48That in our hour of need
18:50One shall come
18:52Who shall be able to extract the beer from the barrel
18:55And on that day
18:57All of England shall drink
18:59And be free
19:02Basically, it's a bugger to pour
19:04Steve, you're first
19:06Sorry, I shouldn't have had that second lunch
19:20Can't hold it
19:31She's breaking up
19:33She's breaking up
19:34Still want to go, love?
19:37Oh, yeah
19:38I'm game for anything
19:40Including anything sexual
19:42I know that
19:43I know that
19:43Grats
19:53God be praised
19:55I never thought I'd live to see the day
19:59But that's impossible
20:01No, I know I said the other things were impossible
20:04So possibly devalued the currency of impossibility
20:07But that's impossible
20:10No, it was easy
20:11It was all in the wrist
20:12That's why I was so good at it
20:13If you know what I mean
20:14I mean, cos I've got
20:16Yeah, yeah, all right
20:17You've got the job, love
20:20Crosby, sling your hook
20:22What?
20:24Oh, sweetheart
20:25There's two barrels that need to go down the cellar
20:27Right, love
20:27Yeah, no worries
20:28I can't lift them
20:36They're so heavy
20:38I'm only a little goody
20:40I need a big strong man to do it
20:41I can't afford to employ both of you
20:44Oh, you women make me sick
20:48What do you want?
20:48Shut off my back
20:50Steve, come here
20:52You've got your job back
20:54Oh, I don't want to
20:56Oh, here we go again
21:04This is all our bloody thing
21:05Hello
21:07I'm sorry, love
21:08I can't serve you
21:09We don't want your type in here
21:10I beg your pardon
21:11I know your game
21:13A woman
21:13In a pub
21:14Alone
21:15I don't understand
21:18This is not the sort of establishment
21:19Where you can satisfy
21:20Your insatiable sexual yearnings
21:23No one's interested
21:25I am
21:25No
21:26Go on, get out
21:27You whore
21:29Why did she leave me?
21:31Why?
21:32Oh, God
21:33Go on, get out
21:35Yes, well
21:39We've all had a lot of fun there
21:41But, um
21:42I'm Vicky Jackson
21:44From the brewery
21:45I'm the new area manager
21:46Tony Harris' replacement
21:47But
21:51You're a woman
21:54Well, I was the last time I looked
21:57I hope you don't have any problem
22:04Taking orders from a woman
22:05I'll tell you
22:17That is the woman I'm going to marry
22:20The minute I saw her I knew
22:22I wouldn't have any problems
22:24Taking orders from her
22:25I'll tell you
22:25I'll do anything she said
22:27Anything
22:28He's including anything sexual
22:30I know that, Janet
22:31She's an area manager, you know
22:34I wonder if she could manage my area
22:36Maybe
22:38She's got a microscope and some tweezers
22:40Well, she's certainly an improvement
22:43Than old Tony Harris, eh?
22:46Although he did have bigger tits
23:00For her
23:04She's also a man
23:05She's a man
23:06She's aninker
23:08You'll do anything
23:09Melissa
23:15You
23:15You
23:17You
23:19You
23:21You
23:23You
23:24You
23:25You
23:27You
23:27You
23:29You