- 2 days ago
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00:00Let's get started.
00:30are you mad really well I've spoken to the inventors madame and they say it's all perfectly safe
00:37I can't believe it
00:38I know it's very bad
00:44explain to me how it works again well they get a great big bag and they fill it full of hot air
00:49I'm not sure how they do it I think they burst a couple of priests inside it
00:53whereupon madame clambers into a little wicker basket which is dangling beneath
00:58and she goes very exciting basket well obviously future models are gonna have cabins with gorgeous
01:07little ensuite boudoirs with finger sandwiches and little mini soaps well that's useful as you
01:13plummet to your death no I like my feet planted firmly on the ground thank you except of course
01:25when they're dangling either side of a duke's neck and that was dangerous enough until starched ruffs
01:33went out of fashion of course it would create enormous jealousy in the palace oh yes because
01:47madame would only be the second thing to ever go up in a hot air balloon imagine that very exciting
01:53what do you mean thing what do you say thing well they have had a test flight with a sheep
02:01who with a sheep what what did you say with a sheep but fear not madame they have scrubbed it out the basket is clean
02:10I have a contest of rash I won't be someone second choice after a sheep depends who you ask
02:18oh my god I'll do something else I'll get a nice torture or something
02:24if madame is experiencing a dash of ennui perhaps the day might be advantageously expended in pursuit of
02:33un peu de toilette personnel oh good thinking no no no no no I hate croquet
02:38I'm going to do a bath I love you a bath it's a bath it's a bath bath well madame is always saying
02:47how tired she is of being a walking buffet for a crowd of blue bottles oh that's a joke there's no need
02:53to go to extremes I've had a bath haven't I yes 1773 was indeed one of our less pungent years
03:01I mean I'm regularly scraped down I believe men nowadays prefer their women a little ripe
03:11they don't necessarily prefer them with moss growing on their chest no and certainly not
03:20with mushrooms sprouting out their crevices I've gone prepare everything then I'll have a bath no water
03:29well how are we supposed to do that milk milk preferably not from a cow go and squeeze something exotic
03:38hardly a new experience for you
03:41I'm
03:54Oh, dear.
03:56But I thought there was a point.
04:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
04:03Oh!
04:05Oh!
04:06Oh!
04:07Ah!
04:09Oh!
04:10Oh!
04:11Oh!
04:12Richard!
04:13Cook-witchard!
04:14Oh!
04:15Oh!
04:16Oh!
04:17Oh!
04:18Oh!
04:19Good day, sister.
04:21Sister?
04:22Oh!
04:23Cecile?
04:24Oh!
04:25Oh!
04:26Oh!
04:27Oh!
04:28Oh!
04:29Oh!
04:30How goes it with you?
04:32Well, I hope.
04:33Not so well as with you, I fear.
04:36I am forced to admit I have come to beg for alms.
04:40I'm sorry?
04:41If our childhood together means anything to you, I trust you will look on my petition with
04:46kindness.
04:47But Cecile, you have lovely alms.
04:51And you see, I only have these two myself.
04:56And I use them rather a lot.
04:58No, no, no, no.
04:59You misapprehended.
05:00Go to the Navy.
05:01Go to the Navy.
05:02They chop off quite a few, I believe.
05:04I have come to seek financial assistance.
05:06Oh, I see.
05:08Hmm.
05:09As you know, my husband Claude was something of a big noise in secondhand frigates.
05:14Oh, here we go.
05:15Unhappily, the great storm of 1782 has left him with only two large lumps of wood, which,
05:21despite all his efforts, he has found difficult to sell.
05:26As his loving wife, I, of course, stood by him steadfastly for at least six and a half minutes.
05:33Whereupon I came to Versailles in the hope of seeking honourable employment somewhere in
05:38the field of sadomasochistic prostitution.
05:40Yes, I have heard.
05:42Alas, my first customer expired on his spigot.
05:46So now even that low profession is closed to me.
05:50Or I am closed to it, which is much the same thing.
05:53So no major problems, then?
05:57No gross physical abnormalities?
05:5926 toes on a foot or a spare nostril going out of your armpit?
06:04I see you have not forgotten the childish rivalries of our youth.
06:09I, too, was a very handsome young woman.
06:13You remember the wart?
06:15Mm-hmm.
06:16Gone.
06:17I had it filed down by a cobbler.
06:21Will you not help me?
06:22I mean, even out of pity.
06:24What?
06:25Lucy, you don't think I'm wealthy or something?
06:28Just because one is dripping with precious stones
06:32and lives in one of the most glorious palaces in the world
06:35does not mean one can bail out any starving ex-pozzy
06:38who comes staggering in.
06:40I do my bit, you know.
06:42Yes, I do my bit.
06:43I distribute two, yes, two bags of stale crust
06:47to the poor of this country every month.
06:49At a very reasonable price.
06:51So I'm afraid that more I cannot do.
06:54And I'm afraid I have only one option left to me.
06:57Oh, I thought you'd done that.
06:59You will never see me again, sister.
07:01Well, soon I shall be a burden to no one any longer.
07:05Oh.
07:07That's the spirit.
07:22Who's that?
07:23How rich am I these days?
07:25You're number one.
07:26Oh, you're definitely number one, mistress.
07:29Yes.
07:30You are without question Le Grand Fromage.
07:32So what?
07:33There's no one cutting up on me or anything?
07:35No.
07:36The V Conteste de Brassique is in second place,
07:38but a long way behind.
07:39Ah, the V Conteste de Brassique.
07:41You have to keep an eye on her.
07:43Do you know, as I was thinking, I was thinking,
07:45I'd quite like to go and see my vast wealth one day.
07:47You know, just give a little stroke and a little cuddle.
07:50Sounds silly, I know.
07:52Come on, let's get this over and done with.
07:54Right.
07:55Get up on the boxes, then.
07:56What?
07:57Up here?
07:58Yeah, up there.
07:59Right.
08:00That's it.
08:01There we go.
08:02You might need some tweezers.
08:03There's a little gang of something crawling around in the undergrowth.
08:06Come on, then.
08:07What are you doing?
08:08Get off!
08:09Well, I assume Madame would be naked.
08:10Are you in the hat?
08:11Do you have any idea of the temperature in this room?
08:13I'm not going to stand here with icicles dangling off my nipples.
08:16No, eh?
08:17Well, you've had worse, haven't you?
08:19You'll just have to tunnel your way in.
08:24I trust that milk is suitably exotic for a person of my status?
08:29Only the best for Madame.
08:30It's fresh peacock's milk.
08:32Really?
08:33I didn't know you could milk peacocks.
08:34No, they look quite surprised, I'm sorry.
08:35Now, before I go in, Madame, I want to make one thing quite clear.
08:51I am not, repeat not, attracted to women.
08:55I like a nice hairy buttock myself.
08:57And just in case Madame has nice hairy buttocks, I'm still not interested.
09:01Is that clear?
09:02Just get on with it.
09:03All right.
09:04All right.
09:05Here I go.
09:06I'm going in.
09:10Oh, my God, it's a jungle.
09:16Eh, Lisette, when you move up, I don't want you to touch my face.
09:21One hates to think of one's next lover getting a tongue full of peacock's yogurt.
09:26Oh, my God.
09:28Oh, my God.
09:32Oh, my God.
09:33Do not be needlessly concerned, Madame.
09:35I chance to have the very thing.
09:36Now, where have I come from?
09:37Oh, my God.
09:38Oh, my God.
09:39Oh, my God.
09:41Oh, my God.
09:42Oh, my God.
09:44Oh, my God.
09:45Oh, my God.
09:46Oh, my God.
09:47Oh, my God.
09:48Please
10:00Listen carefully I come to you on behalf of a good and noble
10:10Or a
10:12I
10:14Fascinating beauty spot not from where I'm sitting is I come to you on behalf of the duke Donald
10:31Lies madame the blacksmith in question nearly swooned
10:35Unexpectedly on to the duke when Marie Antoinette walked in was frantically
10:41wrestling to get out from
10:45He said he had a saddle strep to his back
10:49Could he strap anyway
10:54Well the duke is greatly concerned that his equestrian activities might have tarnished his hitherto excellent reputation of one of the
11:05Gigi's
11:07Consequently he wishes to marry
11:09woman
11:11Naturally, she would have to be rather special
11:13Wow, madame de her suit's got a moustache
11:20To be someone willing to amuse herself naturally they won't be sleeping in the same bed if the Duke has anything to do with it
11:27They won't be sleeping on the same
11:29With him anyway with it
11:31Are you assuming that my mistress is going to waste her valuable time trying to find some suitable floozy?
11:36What's he assuming that you're going to waste your valuable time trying to find some floozy?
11:41Will you shut up you tiresome twats?
11:44Thank you
11:51The Duke is offering a commission of one quarter of his entire fortune to anyone who can find him a wife and the V contester Brassique is already on the hunt
12:01And if the V contests finds someone first
12:04She will then have a fortune three times bigger than madame's
12:08Why didn't you say this when you came in you stupid man
12:16Oh, fuck, fuck quickly
12:18Where the girl?
12:19Oh, brush!
12:20Oh no!
12:22Oh no!
12:23Oh no!
12:23Oh no!
12:24Oh no!
12:24Oh no!
12:25Oh no!
12:26It's a brilliant idea
12:29So marry your sister to the Duke
12:32Dong Dong Dong
12:32Yes, Cecile
12:33I must have that money
12:34Well, am I being very thick or something?
12:37I thought you said your sister was already married.
12:40That's it. These are very dangerous times.
12:43A husband can be clawed to death by a ferocious runaway dancing bear at any moment.
12:49Shall I book that?
12:52Yes, please.
12:53Where is the poor part of town?
12:55It's just outside.
12:57That's very convenient. Excellent. Let's go.
13:00Madame, you're not thinking of going to the poor part of town looking like that, are you?
13:05Well, yes. Why?
13:07Because where we must perforce venture out this morn, as we say in these times,
13:12if you're looking like that, you'll get your legs ripped off, won't you?
13:15Come on. Let's go to Cecile.
13:20How does that look now?
13:21Well, yes, we're getting there. It's much better.
13:25May I make a couple of suggestions?
13:28Well, first of all, lose the wig.
13:31No.
13:32Right, well, lose the cane.
13:35No.
13:35Well, at least lose the muff.
13:37Oh, there were limits, really.
13:40Well, then, in that case, you're completely ready, aren't you?
13:43Excellent. Let's go. Come on.
13:45Shut your mouth, you filthy slag!
13:48What are you doing? What's the matter with you?
13:55Well, I'm acclimatising you, aren't I? For the four people.
13:58Did you ever do that again? Don't ever do it again.
14:02Sorry, mistress.
14:04Door.
14:05Door!
14:05Oh, mistress, may I introduce you to Joseph and Jacques Corvoisier?
14:18Uh, Montgolfier.
14:19Montgolfier?
14:20Who?
14:21The balloon people?
14:23Well, no, I've told you I don't travel in Wicca.
14:25Perhaps the contest would feel more confident if she knew that we have now sent up a sheep, two ducks and a rooster.
14:32Ooh, that sounds quite exciting and very, very safe.
14:36Really?
14:37No?
14:38Oh.
14:38Here.
14:39Here.
14:40Put her on standby.
14:43That's very, quite hideous.
14:45Everyone's so ugly and badly dressed.
14:49My girl is like a middle of the ages.
14:50Oh, it gets worse.
14:59I mean, look at those dead peasants just sitting around.
15:03But it's winter, mistress, and these are very poor people.
15:06They find that their food is better preserved if it's left outside.
15:11I mean, this body, for instance, this will feed a family of four.
15:14Oh, yes.
15:15Oh, no, no, no.
15:17What?
15:18Oh, look.
15:22Look at her.
15:24What's she up to?
15:25Well, she's forced to sell her body, isn't she?
15:27Oh, to a restaurant.
15:30I see, the dam is learning the ways of the starving very quickly.
15:34Look, we must get out of here.
15:35Let's find Cecile.
15:37Ask one of these waggady-bony people.
15:39Well, it would help if we had a likeness, mistress.
15:42Well, I am the likeness.
15:43We're practically twins.
15:44Oh, I see.
15:46So, we're looking for a very plain woman with a hairy, crusty wart on her privates.
15:50Right-o.
15:54Lizard?
15:55Lizard?
15:59I don't know.
16:01It's a pussy face.
16:03Who got a pretty face?
16:04I'm looking for my sister, you see.
16:08Oh, ah.
16:09Excuse me.
16:09I'm sorry.
16:10No, no, no.
16:10Shut up.
16:11Shut up.
16:11I'm looking for my sister.
16:13I want...
16:15Well, her room, really.
16:16I want to be a little girl.
16:22I want to...
16:23Come on.
16:25Come on.
16:27Good to go.
16:36Come on.
16:36Come on.
16:37Come on.
16:37Come on.
16:37Come on.
16:38Come on.
16:38What's the name of a Frenchman these days?
16:52There's things like this, monsieur,
16:53that are false women folk in this country to invent crochet.
17:01Mistress. Mistress. We're in luck.
17:04Come. That prozzie's been eyeing my muff.
17:08What's that?
17:17There. Yeah.
17:19You met my sister living in that poor part of town.
17:22It's horrible.
17:24I mean, that's quite nice, but what's this?
17:28Still, I expect it'll make her
17:29more easily persuaded to our pecuniary proposition.
17:34Oh, dear.
17:37Oh, my God.
17:39Who or what is that?
17:42Oh, that's Boyle Force's hoof.
17:44What?
17:45Yeah, we used to have that when I was young.
17:47Not a lot of meat on it, I grant you.
17:50Does it taste well?
17:52No, not at all, no.
17:54It's halfway between a doorknob and a pot of glue, really.
17:58But look,
17:59I mean, why do people do this?
18:01Grey with brown.
18:03It's awful.
18:05I mean, no one's doing that any more.
18:06It's so Louis Cairns.
18:11What's this?
18:12It's a table.
18:14I know what it is, but what's it made of?
18:17Wood.
18:18No, it's not wood.
18:21I've seen wood.
18:22Wood's shiny, isn't it?
18:23With little girl decorative board.
18:26What is that?
18:28Oh!
18:28You know what that is?
18:32That's tree.
18:35Oh, tree.
18:37I mean, my God,
18:38the cell capital of Europe
18:39and people are eating off tree.
18:42No wonder the British
18:43can't be bothered to invade any more.
18:49Ah, Cecile,
18:51praise the Lord that she's found.
18:54Praise him, praise him.
18:56Cecile, come embrace your sister, Amelkens.
18:59Come one step closer, Columbine,
19:01and I shall whittle your vacuous head to a point.
19:05That's not very courteous, is it?
19:06I mean, we've turned here through dead bodies.
19:09And rotting vegetables.
19:10Yes, rotting vegetables.
19:11And urine.
19:12And urine.
19:13And human effluent.
19:14Did we?
19:15Well, you've got some in your shoes,
19:16that's why.
19:17Who is this woman?
19:18Oh, you stab her, stab her.
19:20She's no one.
19:20She's just my maid.
19:21May I take this opportunity
19:23to say how delighted I am?
19:24There will come a time, bitch,
19:25when traitors to France such as you
19:27will be tied to cartwheels
19:29and their limbs repeatedly smashed
19:31with long, heavy pearls.
19:33Long, heavy what?
19:34They are.
19:35Poles.
19:35I thought you were saying poles.
19:36I thought you were saying poles.
19:38Listen, sweetheart,
19:40you are talking yourself
19:41out of a nice little urner here,
19:42so don't balls it up.
19:44There's something.
19:46Is my sister quite well?
19:48She seems to have changed somewhat.
19:51Perhaps.
19:52I received word this morning
19:54that my adored Claude is dead.
19:56Dead?
19:56No, no, no, that's not till tomorrow,
19:59is it?
20:00He said the disaster
20:01which befell his business
20:03caused his weary heart
20:04to burst,
20:05and now all that is left to me
20:06is my inheritance.
20:09Cop a load of that.
20:11It's sad, very sad.
20:13Is it?
20:13Is it?
20:13What?
20:14Run to Boulogne
20:14and then cancel
20:15the dancing bear.
20:16Run?
20:17Mistress,
20:18if I run to Boulogne,
20:19I won't get there
20:20till 1926 at the earliest.
20:23Is it any wonder
20:23I have the spells
20:25the cause of the revolution
20:26when you,
20:27who spend your days
20:29in idle debauchery,
20:31spit in the face
20:32of the starving,
20:33disease-ridden,
20:35crippled,
20:36poor,
20:36honest,
20:37friendly French people?
20:38Well, she's got a point now.
20:40The day is coming, sister,
20:42when you and your
20:43pant-croffing friends
20:44at court
20:45will have to stand trial
20:47for your crimes.
20:49And...
20:49Would this be fine?
20:50Oh, thank you.
20:51There you go.
20:52And when you do,
20:53the sentence passed upon you
20:55by the Revolutionary Court
20:57will be this.
20:58Oh!
20:59Oh!
21:01Good.
21:01That is one hell of a loaf.
21:06Sister,
21:06Cecile,
21:08I want to assure you
21:09that I've never punched croff.
21:11I wouldn't know how to punch croff
21:13even if I had a croff to punch.
21:15And that's the debauchery
21:16that's been a very dry season
21:17in that neck of the woods
21:18for her, hasn't it?
21:20It is a dreadful thing,
21:21Columbine,
21:22when families are split asunder
21:23by politics.
21:24Yeah, true.
21:25Therefore,
21:26I can no longer
21:27consider you my sister.
21:29I am now steadfastly
21:31on the side
21:32of the poor,
21:32darn-trodden adult masses
21:34of our nation.
21:36Why?
21:38So you don't want to earn
21:40$1,750,000 leave
21:43by this time tomorrow?
21:4410,
21:449,
21:487,
21:498,
21:506,
21:515,
21:524,
21:533,
21:542,
21:551.
21:56Oh, well,
21:57what have the poor
21:57ever done for me?
21:59Let's be honest,
22:00they die on your doorstep.
22:01They crap everywhere.
22:02Sister!
22:03Sister!
22:04Your carriage is not here.
22:09Oh, no,
22:09I thought it best
22:10to park it uptown
22:11because they can have
22:12the wheels off
22:12in a flash around here.
22:15Grandma,
22:16but please,
22:17we shall find food soon.
22:19I promise.
22:21Lunch,
22:22everybody,
22:23lunch.
22:28Lisette!
22:28What's the matter?
22:35Sister,
22:36the door.
22:37The door!
22:43What's wrong?
22:44Well,
22:44you think we need
22:45someone to,
22:45uh,
22:47to turn their
22:47handle
22:48and open the door?
22:52Perhaps if I do it.
22:53What?
22:54I could do that.
22:58I suppose you'll have to
23:01all sort of stuck,
23:03aren't we, Cecile?
23:04Yes, do you mind?
23:05Yes.
23:06Oh!
23:07Clever!
23:11Do you know I wish
23:11you'd go away?
23:12I'm not going up
23:13in your basket.
23:15You're so kind.
23:17Now, make yourself
23:17at home, Cecile.
23:18Bouffard!
23:19Bring wine!
23:22Good, good, good.
23:23Ah, Bouffard.
23:24Bring wine
23:24and some of those
23:25little puffy,
23:26delicate little things.
23:27What are they called?
23:28Dainties.
23:28Yes, but not small ones.
23:29I want big ones.
23:30Big dainties, all right?
23:32My sister could
23:33eat a horse.
23:34In fact,
23:34she has eaten bits of one.
23:36I am, in fact,
23:37Madame's couturier.
23:39I don't do dainties.
23:41I know, but
23:41Lisette's dead
23:42or something.
23:43I mean,
23:44there was no point
23:44in going black.
23:45They'll have her
23:45on a spit by now.
23:47The fact remains
23:47that my duties
23:48do not include...
23:50Your duties
23:50do not include
23:51what I saw you doing
23:5245 minutes ago, monsieur.
23:55One plate
23:57of enormous dainties
23:58coming up.
24:01Right, Cécile,
24:03down to business.
24:06All you have to do
24:07is agree to do
24:08one little thing
24:09and you will have
24:10a life of sumptuous wealth
24:11and idle luxury
24:12for the rest of your days.
24:14I agree.
24:14No, wait.
24:15You also have to agree
24:17not to do
24:18one particular thing.
24:19And then I get the money?
24:20Yes.
24:21I agree.
24:21Oh, I don't agree yet.
24:23You're too quick.
24:24You don't know
24:24what you're agreeing to.
24:25I mean, I might say
24:26don't evacuate your bowels
24:27for ten years
24:28or only sit on
24:29a large, sharp spike.
24:32I agree.
24:32Oh, no, please.
24:34Wait.
24:36Have we told her?
24:39My sister
24:40had to open
24:41that door by hand.
24:45Apologies, mistress.
24:47Apologies, sister, mistress.
24:48Oh, no, no, I can't.
24:52Just go home
24:52otherwise you get
24:53into terrible trouble.
24:54Oh, come on.
24:58Oh, God, I'd love to...
25:00I mean, we've had our fun
25:01and admittedly
25:02you were better
25:02the fifth time round
25:03but you've got to be
25:04a good boy
25:05and just go...
25:07Aw, he's ever so poor,
25:10nay, aw.
25:12I just thought it was my duty
25:13to, uh, give him sucker.
25:18He's not there.
25:20Yeah.
25:21Crochet.
25:25As I was saying...
25:27I agree.
25:28No, totally.
25:30Look, all you have to do
25:32is agree to marry
25:33the Duke Dun-Nong.
25:34No, Dong-Gong.
25:35I know what he's called.
25:36No, it's Dun-Nengong.
25:37I was telling her.
25:38Donkey Kong.
25:39No, I'm sorry.
25:40I'm sorry.
25:41It's out of the question.
25:42No.
25:43What?
25:43What?
25:44No, I can't do it.
25:45It's unthinkable.
25:46Beyond the realms.
25:47No, I know what that means,
25:48you stupid tart.
25:49What?
25:50No, I can't marry again
25:51for money.
25:52I mean, I did that with Claude
25:53and what was I left with
25:54after he pegged out?
25:55Two bits of old boat.
25:56No.
25:57Yeah, but it wouldn't be
25:58like that with this one,
25:59will it?
25:59No.
25:59He's not interested
26:00in boats, is he?
26:01No.
26:01Well, obviously,
26:01he's got a few friends
26:02in the Navy,
26:03but that's not...
26:04You're honestly telling me
26:06you would rather
26:07remain in horrible poverty,
26:10sort of eating old bits
26:11of doorknob,
26:12than have sumptuous wealth,
26:15which I tell you,
26:16gives you a license
26:17to debauch anyone
26:18under the rank of king.
26:20Think of the lovers
26:21you could buy.
26:22No.
26:22I can't marry again.
26:24I will not marry.
26:25Why?
26:26Because for the first time
26:27in my life,
26:28I have found true love.
26:29Oh, bugger.
26:32Quick, get the dancing bear.
26:34What?
26:35If bits of her new boyfriend
26:36aren't hanging out
26:36of a shaggy jaw
26:37by suppertime,
26:38there'll be trouble.
26:38They told me you were there.
26:41I'll come as quick
26:42as I could.
26:43They told you in here.
26:44Oh, Fifi.
26:45Oh.
26:46Fifi?
26:47Oh, Fifi.
26:51You see,
26:52this is why
26:52I can't marry
26:53the Duke Doink Doink.
26:54Because I love Fifi
26:55and her divine little fufu.
26:57Oh, Fifi.
26:58Well, so see,
26:59this is no problem.
27:00In fact,
27:00with the Duke,
27:01this is a positive advantage.
27:03Absolutely perfect.
27:04Yes,
27:04you don't have to sleep
27:05with him.
27:06Well, in that case,
27:07I agree.
27:08Oh, Fifi.
27:09Oh, Fifi.
27:12Oh.
27:14Well,
27:15a very happy occasion
27:17all round,
27:18I think.
27:20Yes, indeedy.
27:23Might I ask
27:25how you, um...
27:26Oh, that.
27:28Well, after I told her
27:29the king and queen
27:29had gone up.
27:30Couldn't stop her.
27:31Oh.
27:31Oh.
27:32Oh.
27:32Oh.
27:32Oh.
27:33Oh.
27:33Oh.
27:33Oh.
27:34Oh.
27:34Oh.
27:34Oh.
27:35Oh.
27:35Oh.
27:35Oh.
27:35Oh.
27:35Oh.
27:36Oh.
27:36Oh.
27:36Oh.
27:37Oh.
27:37Oh.
27:38Oh.
27:38Oh.
27:41Oh.
27:41Oh.
27:41You all look like
27:42little ants.
28:01Oh, dear.
28:01Milk some horses, peacock, so high on top off, there's her!
28:14Oh, she's gone.
28:31Oh, my God!
Recommended
27:38
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