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- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:00I might make a massive cock-up of the whole thing.
00:03You won't. No chance. You're brilliant.
00:06Who the fuck is he anyway?
00:07You have to travel, and not just for two months, but for five, maybe six.
00:12Heartbreaking!
00:14You're unsure, though?
00:15Of course. It renews automatically, I think.
00:18What shall we do?
00:19It'll be fine. Trust me.
00:30All done. Made safe until you can renovate.
00:36We are propped with strong boy heads over the acro plates instead of needle beam,
00:40and the brace couplers are obviously swivelled, not fixed.
00:43Obviously. Nice one. Cheers, mate.
00:48The bank lady laughed down the phone when I mentioned the amount we need.
00:52She claimed it was a sneeze, but it was a laugh.
00:55Well, something needs to happen because you forgot to renew the fire insurance.
00:59It was a collective forgetting. We all thought Dad had done it.
01:02Whoever's to blame, you, Stephen, or whoever,
01:04we're up Whittle Creek like a bunch of cunts.
01:07Geoff was actually responsible for the fire.
01:09If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be responsible for the pub not being insured,
01:12which I'm not.
01:13I should get going. I need to head back and check my rucksack
01:15before I leave this afternoon. I've checked it six times,
01:18so I just need to check it another four and then I'm good to go.
01:20Cut the traveller.
01:21Are you excited?
01:22Fuck yes.
01:23And you'll be away for two months?
01:24No, it's six now. Half a year, just bloody travelling like a traveller.
01:28Morning. Thought we could all be with a coffee.
01:30Oh.
01:31Stephen, you all right there with your morning wine?
01:33I'm fine with my morning wine. Thank you.
01:35So, Cass, how can you afford to travel for six months?
01:38I can earn some money along the way, you know?
01:40Shearing sheep in New South Wales or helping to harvest corn for the Incas.
01:44The Incas?
01:45Or whoever. Plus, Andrew's bought my shares in the pub, so...
01:48What?
01:49That means you've got a 30% share now, more than me.
01:52I just thought if I had a greater share in the business,
01:54then it would make sense for me to pump more money into it,
01:56pay for all these repairs.
01:58You're a superhero.
02:00Cass didn't want to sell to a stranger. This keeps it in the family.
02:03No, it doesn't. You're not family, you're just some bloke.
02:06Stephen!
02:07I made a promise to your dad, as he lay there with the cancer,
02:10eating his oesophagus like it was a fucking cannelloni,
02:13that we'd keep his beloved pub going, and I'll keep that promise.
02:17And I'm some kind of hindrance to that, am I?
02:23I'm taking Maureen for a walk. I may be some time.
02:27And that's corked, by the way.
02:30Don't throw it out.
02:32Is it legal?
02:46Cass is very easily influenced.
02:48Remember when she bought all those crab sticks from that guy in his transit van?
02:52They were just loose in a hold-all.
02:54Unless you can prove Andrew coerced her, there's not much you can do.
02:57No, I know.
02:58How's Maureen?
02:59I'm walking her now. She's a lot better.
03:01Has she got the little big coat on?
03:03She has got the little big coat on, yes.
03:05Oh.
03:06You know I said we were moving away.
03:07Yes?
03:08Are you not now?
03:09Are you staying around here?
03:10I'm talking about...
03:11Alison?
03:12No signal, fucking must.
03:27Bollocks!
03:28You're not leaving that there.
03:29My dog's run off.
03:30I have to catch her.
03:31You can send kids blind, dog muck.
03:34Do you enjoy blinding toddlers?
03:36I genuinely don't.
03:37I'll clear that up when I've found my dog.
03:39Next time, why don't you just get your dog to shit straight in a baby's eyes?
03:43They should exterminate vermin like you.
03:45You are subhuman filth!
03:47Maureen!
03:48Come see Daddy, Momo!
03:49Maureen?
03:50Hello?
03:51Hello?
03:52Maureen?
03:53Maureen?
03:54Come see Daddy, Momo!
03:55Maureen?
03:56Hello?
03:57Oh, fuck!
03:58Oh, my God!
03:59Oh, fuck!
04:00Oh, Jesus!
04:01Fuck!
04:02Oh, fuck!
04:03Oh, fuck!
04:04Oh, fuck!
04:05Oh, my God!
04:07Oh, fuck!
04:08Oh, Jesus!
04:09Fuck!
04:10Oh, fuck!
04:11Oh, fuck!
04:12Shit.
04:13Signal!
04:14oh fuck oh my god oh fuck oh jesus fuck
04:22shit signal
04:29shit shit shit why don't you shit just one fucking bar
04:39can you help me someone's dead on purpose okay where's maureen there's a body a man a dead man
04:59we we need policemen we have to get someone with a signal i'm a bit puffed can you carry me give me
05:04a piggyback no that's mad but i'll call the police have you got signal well have you got signal
05:10fucking hell yeah police please thank you should i speak to them as i found him hi yeah we think we
05:15found a dead body not think and then you say we but i actually discovered it him charles with woods
05:21yeah give me a cell number i'll ping you the gps deets you you read about dog walkers finding bodies
05:27but you never think it'll be you i feel weirdly not excited that would be wrong but oh jesus i know
05:34the color like a premier inn should we lift his legs up in case there's any chance he might
05:41do you want to do it
05:42i don't think you can look like that and not be completely dead
05:49i can't live can you imagine ever being that desperate yep really oh god yes i'm precisely the
05:58sort of man who kills himself yeah i'm not sure you could end your own life steven what do you know
06:03i could totally kill myself in fact i often think that's how i'll go hanging vodka and pills level
06:09crossing i just don't know that if the moment came you could actually are you daring me to kill
06:15myself no because if stroke when i do don't go spouting off about how you goaded me into it
06:20because believe me i was gonna do it anyway i've drafted five suicide notes in my time three in my
06:26head and two on paper i don't need your help are you angry about cass's shares i'm angry about
06:32fucking everything
06:33oh cass i like this she loves seeing her name written in big has she had all her jabs i think
06:46it's all fine these days isn't it in terms of jabs i'm not sure it is jeff typhoid hepatitis cholera
06:51they should let the kids catch all that stuff like they used to build up resistance to cholera
06:56oh we had this through the door it's a proposal for that new estate they're planning looks great
07:01it's a terrible idea jan yeah i know people have to live somewhere but it really doesn't
07:05take long for a place to get built up i just look at dubai a lot of farmers are selling up to these
07:10estate chances even offered me a small fortune for my place more fool then you'd never sell
07:16only way i'd leave that farm is in a box i mean a coffin not just a normal box so can we protest
07:21go to the next council meeting sadly ellen the following words spring to mind horse door stable
07:27and bolted yes and closed no closing i get it jeff closing like the is that's after has gotcha
07:33and another that that's like closing the stable door after the horse is bolted spot on well i think
07:38it's rotten profit over everything i'm going to ice at cass's goodbye kick
07:45you're selling them your farm aren't you jeff of course i fucking am
07:47shall i make you the primary contact mr donnelly no as we mentioned stephen was here a few moments
07:56before i was i'll put you both down it was minutes rather than moments not tens of minutes but
08:01certainly you know fives of minutes okay i think that's it for now thank you district sergeant a grim
08:08old discovery for me to make on my own sorry again about the vomit that's fine i hope it doesn't
08:17compromise the work of the forensics boys no will they be putting up one of those special tents
08:24i don't know probably if we're done here i might carry on with my run shake off this tension all done
08:29would you like me to remain in situ happy to answer any more questions no you're good to go
08:36need to find your dog anyway oh god yes i'd forgotten okay you've got my number
08:41you're off on your run then yeah i'll just warm up again
08:56maureen
08:58i'm just so excited it feels a bit like fear huge fear but it isn't it's excitement i feel sick to my
09:04stomach with brilliant excitement i admire you off seeing the world all manner of things could go
09:10wrong yeah but they won't will they oh i'm sorry but they've offered a ton of money more than i'd
09:19ever get otherwise i can't turn it down your lovely farm it's not lovely though is it it's a shit farm
09:25really never makes a profit bleak as all so why not take the money and feel like a winner for once
09:31in this life no one gets a medal for coming second yes they do they get a silver medal yeah no i
09:37realize that as i said it done all yours yep varied the height of the posters on each lamp post for
09:45optimum visibility we will find her won't we she's only little it's been hours she'll come back
09:50she's probably having some amazing disney-like adventure with a labrador and a siamese cat solving
09:56crimes so moving away have you changed your plans oh you know yeah but it's nothing and
10:04something and feelings and things but not really but also really and you know sure so you and tom are
10:13a bit i sometimes think he has no idea who i am you always knew who i was i felt it was the least i
10:19could do it it's janet isn't it fuck you ready or not world here i come quick world hide make sure
10:28you've packed a fuckload of hand sanitizer oh look turn this up this is my body a man has been named
10:35locally as martin edward barry whose car dealership recently went into administration his body was
10:41discovered this morning by the landlord of the john violacorn public house in snowshill road
10:47my thoughts and the thoughts of everyone at the john barleycorn are with this gentleman's family
10:52and friends at this tragic time i'm the landlord you're not the landlord it just makes the narrative
10:57clearer for the layperson and you didn't find him i did do you say that on camera do you say that i
11:03found the body will the public know sure i think although it might not have made the edit i did talk
11:09for quite a while fuck this this is my body we're talking about i have rights over my body a man died
11:15steven took his own life that's the main thing here i'm aware of that i know he took his own life
11:20because i found his swinging purple corpse but i've received no credit credit not credit but you know
11:26what i mean sort of credit not not credit as in credit but credit it's it's the lack of bloody phone
11:32masks um i need to be going i'll never find another body this is my one chance me my cap's here oh
11:39darling come here oh there you go oh my sweet mum i'll have to take this off again to get in the car
11:45my baby all grown up at 36 and off to see the world hello yes it is yep yes i found your dog pink coat
11:58brilliant where are you a grand or i kill it what you bring me a thousand pounds cash or i put your
12:04dog behind my back wheel and i drive over it nails worth multi-story one hour money or she gets crushed
12:10call the police she gets crushed we got people in the place okay do you want me to come with you
12:19i'm fine they might try to really hurt you maybe just pop along then
12:23does that guy look like he kidnaps dogs yes but then so there's that one and him
12:40they all look like they kidnapped dogs and if you told me they also
12:44wank them off for money i wouldn't be surprised
12:45you hear about the dog we are now we're very concerned shut up and you're very angry so let's
12:55attempt to triangulate those shut the up you got the money i need to see the dog first no money now
13:01or i'll run her over until she bursts hey let's everyone calm down hey let's you
13:05off don't burst maureen oh we'll burst i'm not even lying a grand now you look like a reasonable guy
13:12and you look like a bender i've told you to shut up what i'd like to do now is to actively listen
13:17to what you want out of this scenario oh don't tell me you were a dog hostage negotiator in the
13:22fucking lebanon or somewhere right i'm gonna burst her like a fucking space hopper full of guts
13:27no no no no
13:30oi silly balls come here you little shit jeff is that you don't call me jeff he'll know i'm called jeff
13:38sorry lenny dog killer are we no i haven't got the dog all right it was a con i just saw the poster
13:43wanna kill dogs is that it leave me alone i love dogs they are sweet and trusting creatures
13:51i haven't got the dog you ever looked in a dog's eyes pure devotion beautiful moves you to tears
13:58there is no greater love than a dog for its master and vice versa jeff sorry lenny he's telling the
14:09truth text from jan maureen's come home she's back at the pub she's fine i know mate the dog came back
14:15just before i left
14:20so andrew is up to something i knew it you can't fool me although i was once tricked into buying a mini
14:26display so what exactly did he tell you this greg greg fuller he's the clerk of works for the new
14:32estate comes to my pilates class and pretends to be gay so we won't mind him staring classic greg
14:37he said that your pub is sitting on a potential access road like a goose on a golden egg they're
14:42gonna offer you 40 percent over market price to knock it down so this is what brother andrew's
14:47pilgrimage is all about worm his way in sell the pub cash up and cunt off it's possible possible
14:53possible it's probable actually probable shmobble it's certain so advantage you knowledge is power
15:00and you know something andrew doesn't know you one step ahead like i was for a brief moment in
15:05the school cross-country before i tripped over my own laces life's looking good and maureen's safe
15:11do you know where she got to just chilling in the woods like the three bears or savile
15:15i really wasn't sure she was clever enough to find her own way home oh she's a very clever girl
15:20he's the cleverest girl in the whole world i suspect that's probably a human
15:29so when will your architect guy be here to plan the rebuild soon he's finishing another project in
15:35zurich oh zurich very architecty ah andrew here's an interesting thing i heard about this new estate
15:44apparently they wanted cass is everything all right brilliant i have had such an amazing time
15:51crazy amazing i've only been away four days is that all it feels like years how are you all
15:57andrew dear sweet andrew look at you i have got so much to tell you my good friend um should we pay the
16:05cabbie how much mate oh sorry everyone this is paul paul this is everyone hello there we're sort of
16:12married i've got so much to tell you i feel like i went away a caterpillar and i've come back a butterfly
16:19and you brought back one of the blacks from cooking i got as far as leal then there was a problem with
16:24basically all my train bookings they said that i hadn't clicked the payment thing not your fault bad web
16:30design so i ended up staying at this hotel near leal station met paul made this connection and just
16:36thought do i really need to actually travel for six months you can see the world in a grain of sand
16:43all on the telly traveling to me is just moving from one place to another in some kind of vehicle
16:49a fascinating theory
17:03is paul okay do you think he's fine he spends a lot of time in the toilet it's one of his quirks
17:09isn't he great where's he been all my life at a day center and you're married to it sort of paul did a
17:15kind of selfie marriage ceremony and he's an ex-pilot so it felt legal your leal experience was
17:21obviously a very powerful one i think of everything now is pre and post leal hanging out there's changed
17:27me so much they do fanta in leal but a different fanta it's made of lemons and they call it limon
17:33it's just another world you wouldn't understand unless you've been to leal ham for breakfast tabac
17:38shops god i could go on cas tells us you're an ex-pilot paul so civilian or military hovercraft
17:45he was a hovercraft pilot isn't that amazing it can go on the land and the water like chitty
17:50chitty bang bang although that could also fly it couldn't also fly it's main thing was that it flew
17:55to be fair chitty was an amphibious craft no i i get that paul i've seen the film but that's not what
18:01people remember about chitty chitty bang bang it's it's the flying it's like when hearing the word
18:06pilot my mind doesn't immediately go to hovercrafts so what's been happening here since i've been away
18:12any goss well i heard some top goss today apparently the estate guys want to demolish this pub to build
18:19an access road and they'll offer us 40 percent over the market price 40. fuck my old banjo i wonder
18:26andrew if you're not going to accept this offer are you steven no it's not about me accepting the
18:31offer it's about you steven how could you if steven's insisting we sell and take all the money then
18:36maybe we should but i'm dead against i'm not insisting anything i'm saying that and we must keep the
18:41mighty barleycorn going we simply have to laurie's dying wish was that his pub should carry on who are
18:47we to deny a dying man right ellen right who cares how many hundreds of thousands of pounds they offer
18:53i fucking do this could scupper the whole project and i'll die on my shitty farm and be eaten by all
18:59the emaciated fucking animals here's the plan we repair the j bar i put in some more cash get some mates to
19:05help out and we turn this place into the best pub in a 30 mile radius let's do this
19:13yeah here i like this guy he's glib but he has an aura to the john barleycorn
19:22yeah good renovation starts tuesday morning so if you want to be there to meet the architect and
19:33the project manager i'm not sure if this is a double bluff or some kind of 3d escher bluff or a
19:39fucking rubik's bluff but i'm on to you my friend onto me you find the teats on anything and then just
19:46milk it into your bucket don't you you should get away steven for a weekend finding martin's body will
19:53have taken its toll mentally i am not mad i'm the sanest man alive oh there's joe i should say hello
20:02who's joe martin barry's widow widow how do you know the widow she got in touch via the police she's
20:07such an extraordinary woman having to hold it together for those poor girls you piece of
20:11shit you've stolen my body you're a body snatcher if the handling of this story about a father's suicide
20:17has caused you distress i'm sorry don't try to make me out to be the unreasonable one here
20:21or hysterical you took my dead businessman away from me and it's perfectly reasonable to be angry
20:26do you think maybe this is more to do with the pub that you feel i'm taking a part of your late
20:31father away don't analyze me sigmund fuck i'm gonna say hi to joe
20:40hi there hello the girls are just off to their nans but they've done you a drawing to thank you for
20:47everything you must have been very traumatized by the discovery but you've been a real rock for us
20:54um actually don't i found him martin your your husband and and your dad hi i'm steven hello
21:06andrew actually arrived a bit later but because of the mobile mast situation which i've emailed ofcom
21:15about twice i had no signal but but it was my dark privilege to you know be there at martin's
21:31daddy's departure i i hope i brought him comfort he was already dead i i couldn't have saved him but
21:40maybe i don't know does consciousness remain at all after asphyxiation
21:50nice to meet you all finally thoughts are very much
21:55i'm leaving the table
22:12i'm out of the game
22:14i'm leaving the table
22:22i'm out of the game
22:27i'm leaving the table
22:33i'm out of the game
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