- 2 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:01Well, does it hurt when you pass water?
00:04No.
00:05Flo?
00:06It's a bit like I'm trying to run a bath, but someone's got a tap on in the other room.
00:09It takes ages.
00:10Righto.
00:12I'm gonna need more than righto.
00:14Daniel, what do you want from me?
00:16Some help.
00:17Dr. Baxter is a very busy man, Daniel.
00:20Look, why are you even here?
00:22Well, you've nothing to hide from, Aunty. I've picked up your undies, remember?
00:25Yellow at the front, brown at the back, just like a Battenberg, Roger.
00:29They take him for granted, don't they?
00:31They do.
00:32And it's not as if we haven't noticed that his tinkles take longer.
00:35Hey, hound.
00:38Dog in the surgery.
00:39That's okay, is it?
00:40Pistachio is always welcome.
00:42It's nice to have a male in the room that doesn't have faulty waterworks.
00:49Unbelievable.
00:50Daniel, you dearly only need reassuring.
00:54Look, you probably have a slightly swollen prostate.
00:57Quite normal and a man of your age.
01:00What does he mean, a man my age?
01:02Oh, what a fuss you do make.
01:04Help me.
01:05You want me to put my finger up your bum, don't you?
01:08No.
01:09Not if it's not necessary.
01:12Well, that's the test.
01:13Why do you want Dr. Baxter to finger your bottom, Daniel?
01:17I don't want it.
01:18Right.
01:19Pop behind the curtain, pull your pants aside and relax.
01:27Aside?
01:28All right.
01:29Charlotte, on your get.
01:30Ashley.
01:31Emma!
01:32Emma!
01:33Emma!
01:34Emma!
01:35Hey.
01:36Blimey.
01:37Are you all right?
01:38Yeah, of course.
01:39Yeah.
01:40Of course.
01:41How come you're out of breath?
01:42You only ran from over there.
01:43I'm fine.
01:44Sir, you've gone great.
01:45You've gone great.
01:46I'm fine.
01:47I'm fine.
01:48I'm fine.
01:49I'm fine.
01:50I'm fine.
01:51I'm fine.
01:52I'm fine.
01:53All right, Charlotte.
01:54On your get.
01:55Ashley.
01:56Emma!
01:57Yeah.
01:58Emma!
01:59Hey.
02:00Blimey.
02:01Are you all right?
02:02Yeah, of course.
02:03How come you're out of breath?
02:04You only ran from over there.
02:05I'm fine.
02:06Sir, you've gone great.
02:07You've got a nerve talking about my face, son.
02:09You're not like the angel of the north.
02:10I would say come with us, but there are a lot of hills.
02:13Oh.
02:14And it would be awful if you had a massive, fatal heart attack.
02:17What's your nan wearing today?
02:19It's just because, well, you've got clothes, so...
02:22Prick.
02:23Yeah, that's enough, thank you.
02:24Get on the bus, you lot.
02:25You need to start looking after yourself.
02:26You wouldn't say that if you saw me down at the gym.
02:27I would pay money to see you at the gym.
02:28Hey, Dan.
02:29Oh, God.
02:30Coming along?
02:31No, he's got a workout.
02:32Yeah, right.
02:33Good one.
02:34I'll save you a seat, Miss Lipsy.
02:36Have you been brushing up on your eye spy?
02:38I have, Alistair.
02:39How come you sitting next to that nob?
02:40He wouldn't sit next to me on the Bugley Castle trip?
02:42Yeah, well, he doesn't fall asleep.
02:43Your head weighs a ton.
02:44What, he's got a light head, has he?
02:45Hello.
02:46Hey, Dan.
02:47Oh, God.
02:48Coming along?
02:49No, he's got a workout.
02:50Yeah, right, good one.
02:51I'll save you a seat, Miss Lipsy.
02:52Have you been brushing up on your eye spy?
02:53I have, Alistair.
02:54How come you sitting next to that knob?
02:56He wouldn't sit next to me on the Bugley Castle trip.
02:59Yeah.
03:00Well, he doesn't fall asleep.
03:01Your head weighs a ton.
03:02Well, and he's got a light head, has he?
03:03Ow.
03:04Hello.
03:05Bye, then!
03:13Oh, no.
03:16Oh, hello, everyone.
03:19I wonder who I'm related to.
03:21Oh, God. Oh, no. Family tree.
03:24What are you doing here?
03:25I'm smoking you out of your nerd hole. It's lunchtime.
03:27Why don't you keep your voice down?
03:28Oh, we mustn't talk in the library.
03:31We must have a little mint that we get out of our pockets where our tissue is.
03:34Oh, family tree.
03:35I've had a fucking nightmare today already.
03:37Baxter's put me on cockpills.
03:39Seriously, I think it's the endgame, mate.
03:40Shh.
03:42Do you know what my body looks like these days?
03:45It looks like an inbred toddler has picked the pastry off a pork pie
03:48and squeezed the meat into what he thinks is the shape of a man.
03:52Be quiet.
03:54Maybe if you've taken a single day of exercise in your life.
03:56How should I get fit?
03:58Should I come down the library and look at my family tree?
04:00You think you've had a bad morning?
04:01I think the stuff the microfiche has thrown up has been devastating.
04:05Ah.
04:06I wonder if you could do that.
04:07Oh, can I have some books, please?
04:10Books for my friends.
04:11Or family tree?
04:18Oh, hello.
04:20I like the library.
04:24What are you doing?
04:25Oh, God.
04:34What are you reading?
04:37Oh, Mark, I've read that.
04:40It's got really good markets in it.
04:44Bye.
04:48Anyway, I'm going to get down the gym.
04:50Hit it hard.
04:51I'm going to cut out the carbs.
04:52I'll walk past that tool for maths and I'll lift a filing cabinet above my head
04:56and I'll go, yeah!
04:58Hi, Alistair.
04:59Fun to your game of ice?
05:00Bye.
05:01And then, and here's the twist, Brian, I've got to deliberately shit myself.
05:04Could we, for once, not talk exclusively about you?
05:08Hello.
05:09What can I get you?
05:11What are you doing?
05:12What's it look like?
05:12I'm taking your order.
05:13Come on.
05:14You work here.
05:15Yes, obviously.
05:16Come on, get a wriggle on.
05:17Order!
05:18What the fuck?
05:19Boom!
05:20Actually, hang on.
05:21I was...
05:21I can't do it.
05:22No!
05:23No!
05:28Lovely little run, that.
05:32What just happened?
05:33Oh, that.
05:34An idea me and my careers advisor came up with.
05:37Stealth work.
05:38Stealth work?
05:39Not a lot of jobs about.
05:40My CV's rubbish.
05:41So, someone leaves their post.
05:43Bam.
05:43I'm in.
05:44Until I'm caught, I'm employed.
05:46And it goes on the CV.
05:48That was nine minutes of catering.
05:50It's going to look pretty sweet on here.
05:53It's creative.
05:54It's madness.
05:56No employer will be interested in a CV comprising of a few stolen moments in someone else's job.
06:02God, if I could just have one day off your stereo bullshit.
06:05What is wrong with you, Tash?
06:07You've been in a right egg since the library.
06:09Doesn't matter.
06:10Better get back to work.
06:14He's right.
06:15No rest for the wicked.
06:16He's right.
06:18Joe?
06:20Excuse me, Zane.
06:21You can't park there.
06:22Oi!
06:23Come back!
06:26Shakira, do you think I'm fat?
06:30As fuck.
06:30You done?
06:35Yeah.
06:36You want a personal trainer, yeah?
06:38Yeah, you know, I was just...
06:39I thought I might turn up a bit.
06:42How old?
06:4343.
06:45Tongue?
06:46Nah.
06:48Nah, mate, sorry.
06:50What do you mean?
06:51You're too far gone.
06:52I'm what?
06:53You slipped over the edge, mate.
06:55I'm not a magician.
06:56Fucking hell, you must be able to do something.
06:58If anything, I just make you worse.
07:00Hang on.
07:01Look.
07:01This.
07:02Oh.
07:03This.
07:04This.
07:05All of this.
07:06This.
07:07You're on cockpills, yeah?
07:09No.
07:09Yeah, you are.
07:10You're on cockpills.
07:12It's all gone, mate.
07:13All of this.
07:14It's all gone, all bad now.
07:19Oh.
07:22Oh.
07:24Hi, you're...
07:25You're from the...
07:26The library?
07:27Yeah.
07:28Yeah, you, um...
07:30Been to the old gym, yeah?
07:31Yeah, yeah.
07:32I've just been getting back into the, um...
07:35Kickboxing, getting back into that.
07:37Oh, you're a kickboxer.
07:39Oh, God, I used to be.
07:41Yeah, I mean...
07:43Now it's just a really cool way of keeping in shape, you know.
07:47Do a roundhouse.
07:50Your hair looks good.
07:51Wet.
07:51I mean...
07:53It'd be good dry.
07:54I like the wet.
07:55In the 80s, we would all wear wet hair, Joe.
07:58Made everyone look like a pedophile.
07:59I wasn't a pedophile.
08:01Could that be madness with you?
08:02Because you...
08:03What are you?
08:04In 1989, you would be what?
08:06Two.
08:07Two?
08:08Fuck me.
08:09I'd have three cars.
08:11You're not going to give me your number, are you?
08:14No, so...
08:15Oh, yeah!
08:29Look at it!
08:31Look at it!
08:37Listen to some of the text banter we've had.
08:40I said, fancy going out tonight, then?
08:42And then I said, it's Dan, the tall guy from the gym.
08:45And she didn't respond straight away, so I thought, ah, I'd better play it cool.
08:48So I said, no biggie if you're not up for it.
08:51All cool.
08:52And then straight off the back of it, I said, I'm probably just going to go clubbing or whatever.
08:56Let me know.
08:57And then she didn't respond, so in the end I said, look, are you getting these texts?
09:01We're heading into out of order territory here.
09:03And then she replied.
09:06She said, sorry, I was in the other room.
09:09Yes, I could come out.
09:11Sounds fun.
09:12Mate, I'm old enough to be her dad, and she said I sound fun.
09:14By your own flumps.
09:19What is wrong with you?
09:22Bin men.
09:25What?
09:27My ancestors were bin men.
09:32I thought I'd come from a long run of financial advisors or something.
09:35I thought I knew who I was.
09:37And to find out like that in the library of all places.
09:41You've seen the bin men on our estate.
09:43Barking at each other in a lexicon only they understand.
09:47Pat Bellows next door complained they'd just left an old fish on his lawn.
09:51Anarchy.
09:53To think I've got that blood coursing through my veins.
09:58And yet...
10:00Go on.
10:02I can't deny some part of me finds it thrilling.
10:07God, I'm so confused.
10:11Go to them.
10:13What?
10:14I think I've found my happiness in Lottie, Brian.
10:16It's...
10:17It's time for you to find yours.
10:20Go to them.
10:24Sounds like a cracking idea.
10:26Oi!
10:27Oi, you!
10:27These bloody cockpills are ridiculous.
10:35I'm going off like a riot hose.
10:37I'm waterboarding a rat here.
10:38Excited about Lottie, though.
10:43She's amazing, mate.
10:45So stressful, though.
10:46Where do you take her, young hipster?
10:48I know just a place.
10:50Really cool bistro in town.
10:52Yeah?
10:52She'll love it.
10:53I worked there the day before yesterday.
10:55Sweet seven minutes twenty.
10:57Guys!
10:58Guys!
11:01You'll never guess what they've got over there.
11:03An old teddy strapped to a bin lorry.
11:06Gary and Macca seem like really nice guys.
11:09I told them all about my ancestors.
11:10And get this.
11:12They've invited me along on their bin round later.
11:15They do a night round.
11:16Want to come over and meet the boys?
11:18See the bear?
11:20No?
11:25I've ironed those clothes, Daniel.
11:28Are you sure they'll fit?
11:30You haven't worn them for years.
11:31Mind your own business.
11:33And can you not come in here when I'm in the bath, old woman?
11:35I'm very excited about this new girlfriend.
11:38Does she like gardening?
11:40Because I could do her some cuttings.
11:42She is a cool younger woman with a bod made for sin.
11:45She doesn't want to join our athletic pottering club.
11:48Yes.
11:48Stop fussing, Polly.
11:50What do I have to do to stop you both from coming into my flat?
11:53I don't need you to wash my hair.
11:55Why on earth would I want to wash your hair?
11:58You said you wanted a new, youthful appearance.
12:00And it's all natural.
12:01None of your shop-bought rubbish.
12:04I'm sorry.
12:05Sorry.
12:06Please tell me you haven't dyed my hair.
12:08Well, of course I've dyed your hair.
12:10You said you wanted to look younger.
12:11Sometimes it's just good to freshen your look up, isn't it?
12:18I just didn't recognise you at first.
12:21No.
12:25Uh-oh.
12:26Here comes the 1950s.
12:29Now then, you two.
12:30Welcome, welcome.
12:31You've had a chance to peruse the menus all?
12:34Yeah, just two tequilas to get us going, please.
12:36Now, before we start, may I ask how this sauce came to arrive at your table?
12:41Yes, I brought it over.
12:42Two tequilas, please.
12:44We don't help ourselves to condiments.
12:46So I'll pop that over here.
12:49And when you're ready, give me a little call and I'll bring it over.
12:53Now then, drinks.
12:55Two tequilas, please.
12:56Daddy's first.
12:57That's how we do things.
12:58Just a small Merlot, please.
13:00Oh, cool, yeah.
13:01Yeah, we should.
13:02We should just ease into it.
13:03That's so cool.
13:04Yeah, I'll just have a pint, please.
13:06We only do wine.
13:08Yep.
13:09A pint of wine?
13:11Yes.
13:12You want a pint of wine?
13:13Yes, if that's all right.
13:17I'll have to open another bottle, but...
13:19Man!
13:22What's his problem?
13:25Did you have a good day?
13:28Yeah, yeah, thanks.
13:30What did you do?
13:31Just shopping.
13:32Shopping?
13:34Oh, wow.
13:35Where were you shopping?
13:37Just at the market.
13:39You bought some...
13:41Just bought some vegetables.
13:44Veget...
13:45I love veg.
13:47Mmm.
13:49I love the wine.
13:53I ate a whole bag of potatoes once.
13:55Oh, look, I...
13:58Oh, erm, can we have some ketchup for our table, please?
14:11You haven't got your food yet?
14:13No, but you said if I wanted some, I should...
14:14Right!
14:15I felt a little bit uncomfortable with a pint of wine.
14:18You don't need sauce on your table, do you?
14:21Oh, do you?
14:22You want your sauce when you've got your food.
14:25I'll bring the condiments when there's food on the table.
14:29I can't be making multiple journeys to your table
14:31when there's no food here.
14:34When you've got your food, I'll bring your sauce.
14:37But I won't do it before.
14:38I won't bring it to an empty space.
14:40I just won't do it.
14:42Cheers.
14:46Jesus.
14:54Cheers.
14:54Do you like potatoes?
15:19Yeah, very good!
15:22Maybe that...
15:23Whoa!
15:24Yeah!
15:25Excellent work, Maka!
15:27You reverse the hell out of that!
15:29Fuck!
15:30God, it feels good to let loose!
15:33Did you see his face when I ordered that second pint of wine?
15:36We're mad, aren't we, you and me, Lottie?
15:39We're nice jeans, mate.
15:40Have a bit of respect, son. These are Hacienda originals.
15:43You look like a 1980s snooker play-off.
15:45Oh, yeah?
15:46See if you think that when I'm peeled up on the dance floor later.
15:48What's that?
15:49Eh?
15:50Drugs?
15:51He hasn't got no drugs, mate. Look at him.
15:53I might have some drugs.
15:55He hasn't got any drugs. He's about 50.
15:57Yeah?
15:59What are these, then?
16:00Yeah, what are they?
16:01What?
16:02No, no, these are fine. These are alpha-bloggers. They're for a swollen prostate.
16:08I haven't got a swollen prostate.
16:10Well, you're about the right age.
16:11For your information, I've used that container to smuggle E's and poppers in, son.
16:16And you've got nerve talking about my age. You look like Tom Cruise's dad. His fat dad. You look like Tom Cruise's fat dad.
16:25Lottie, shall we?
16:27Oh, God. Of course you're working here.
16:42Best one yet. I've been here two hours. Now he's about had a bloody eyelid. How's the date going?
16:45Shit, thanks to you. That restaurant was rubbish.
16:47It must have got bad after I left. Sorry. Free cocktail.
16:49No. I can't have any fluids. The banchers have got my cock pills. Look at me. I'm swelling up like a greedy bee.
16:54I've got an idea.
16:55No. No. You don't do anything.
16:57Dan, trust me, yeah? Problem one, you want Lottie to fit your call, right?
17:01Yes. Problem two, you haven't got a drink. No. I can't have any. Oh, Lottie. This is my friend, Joe.
17:15Hi, Lottie. Dan's a well-good laugh, isn't he?
17:19Special! Special! Special! Special! Special! Special! Special!
17:28Neck it! Neck it! Neck it!
17:38Ah, guys. Small point, but I noticed that we left a few polystyrene curls on the road back there.
17:44I mean, I know technically they should be recycled, but we've just got to use our common sense here, right?
17:49Don't want people saying we ain't making the effort to keep the place looking tidy, right?
17:57You OK?
18:03Hey.
18:05All right?
18:07Could I have those pills back?
18:09I lied. They are for my prostate.
18:12You hurt me.
18:14Sorry?
18:15You all right there, Terry?
18:16This is him.
18:17Well, you thoughtless man.
18:20Tom Cruise's dad.
18:21Fat dad.
18:22Tom Cruise's fat dad.
18:23I was embarrassed.
18:25You thought you'd take it out on me?
18:27Lovely.
18:28It's his birthday and all.
18:29How would you feel being likened to 50-year-old's obese father on your special day?
18:34I'm sorry.
18:35Are you?
18:36Are you sorry?
18:37Yeah.
18:38Now, please, lads, can I have those pills?
18:41I'm puffed up like Barber Popper down here.
18:43You'll have a birthday pint with him first.
18:45What?
18:46Make amends.
18:47Would be nice.
18:48Oh, Christ.
18:50Another thing.
18:51One time, he blew a massive bubblegum bubble and it all went in my hair.
18:57Wicked.
19:04Bear with me.
19:07You all right?
19:08Yeah.
19:09Yeah.
19:10Hope Joe didn't say anything too weird.
19:12No.
19:13Nothing weird.
19:14I'm just gonna go to the toilet.
19:18Hi, guys.
19:19Let's get a bit old school.
19:21New DJ.
19:22New vibes.
19:23We'll go back to the 80s.
19:28Oh, God.
19:29Come on, Grandad.
19:30Let's conga.
19:31Fuck off.
19:32Your hips clean up, mate.
19:33Do you want me to conga, Lottie?
19:35Well, fuck it.
19:36Let's conga, then.
19:37Yeah, Macca.
19:38Bit of bad news, I'm afraid.
19:39You're not supposed to block the airflow through the front grill of the old beast here.
19:53I'm afraid old Teddy will have to come off.
19:56Yeah, guys, just saying to Macca.
20:00Um, the bear at the front.
20:04Guys.
20:07Guys?
20:15Just let me.
20:16Just let me.
20:17Just let me.
20:18Just let me.
20:23Just let me.
20:24Just let me.
20:25Just let me.
20:28Move.
20:30Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:36You fucker fuck.
20:43Oh, fuck.
20:44Stop it.
20:45No.
20:46Stop it.
20:47Stop.
20:48I'm gonna do the conga.
20:49Choo, cho, cho.
20:51Train across the pole.
20:53Don't be too hard on him, Lottie. He means well.
21:07If Brian was here, it wasn't going to happen.
21:09Brian's a sensible one.
21:20But it's good to have different types of friends, isn't it?
21:23A lot of this is just flush water from the Oriental.
21:29It's...
21:30Well, it's not all piss.
21:35It's OK. I get it.
21:38What?
21:39Look at me.
21:41You're not into this, are you?
21:43I mean, how would I know? I don't know what you're into.
21:44You never say, but you're not into this.
21:48I would tell you what I was into,
21:50but you never shut up,
21:53you silly, lovely man.
21:57Oh.
21:59Butty?
22:01Yes, Dan?
22:04What are you into?
22:06That's it!
22:07Put them in the fucking bag!
22:09Spin them!
22:13What?
22:13Spin them!
22:14What?
22:15Yes!
22:16How much are they?
22:17I don't know.
22:19How much are your fucking apples?
22:2150p a pound.
22:23Sell them to me.
22:24Apples!
22:2550p a pound!
22:26Robberley!
22:27Airmen!
22:29Get your airmen!
22:30Yes!
22:31Ah!
22:32Ah!
22:33Fuck me!
22:34Fuck me, market boy!
22:36Dirty, working-class bastards!
22:39I'm not lying to this!
22:45Is she gone?
22:49She's gone, Nesta!
22:52Please.
22:54Please.
22:55Leave me alone.
22:57I knew she was no good for you,
22:59young lamb like that.
23:01You need a woman with proper hips.
23:03Christ.
23:04I think you should stick to wooing
23:07that nice Emma girl.
23:09She's ever so sweet.
23:12I mean, what do I have to do
23:13to stop you both from coming into my flat?
23:16Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on.
23:19Oh, well, there's one bit of good news.
23:21Your prostate's still working okay.
23:23Okay.
23:26Do, do, do, come on and do the conga.
23:30Do, do, do, it's conga night for sure.
23:34It's conga, it's conga night,
23:36so join the party, everyone.
23:39The dance has just begun
23:40and we're all having fun tonight.
23:44Dance that conga till you drop.
23:46We're never gonna stop.
23:48You better hang on tight
23:50so everybody do, do, do, do.
23:56Do.
23:58...
23:58...
24:00...
24:04...
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