- 2 days ago
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00:00Well, space mission's finished.
00:05What?!
00:06After all that, the captain got off with the Lizard Queen. That's a shind.
00:10It's not shit, Dennis. It's beautiful.
00:12So everyone lived happily ever after.
00:14How imaginative.
00:16Um, hands up here who considers Karen to be a friend?
00:21Anyone? Not a single hand.
00:24Oh.
00:25Please don't stop space missions, sir! We fucking love it!
00:28Oh, listen, I fucking love it, son.
00:32But it's over.
00:34Go, guys. Don't look back!
00:40Human scum. It is I, the alien queen.
00:44I'm enjoying my lunch.
00:46Thank you for sending me your captain.
00:52What?! Eating him!
00:54The bitch!
00:55No!
00:59Oh, dear, oh, dear.
01:01Looks like we'll have to go back to the dangerous planet next term, after all.
01:04Yeah!
01:05Yes, good. Go, go, go, go.
01:07Yeah!
01:08Yeah!
01:09Yeah!
01:10Yeah!
01:11Yeah!
01:13Was that all right? Was that really what you wanted?
01:16Are you joking? You scared the shit out of them. You are a wonderful lizard.
01:20Thank you. Yes, it was difficult, seeing as I'm a warm-blooded creature.
01:24creature so um half term are you getting smashed out of my mind every day yes i am i can't wait
01:35last time we were down the pub brian hadn't come out because of his wife obviously but joe was
01:41there there's this german guy and he had no trousers and pants on at the beginning of the
01:45hammer
02:15Afternoon, team. How are we?
02:19Hi, Baren.
02:20Remember my secretary, Barbara?
02:22All right, Barbara.
02:22Hello, Barbara.
02:25Excited about a half term?
02:26Excited? I'm like a chimp that's ripped a woman's face off.
02:29So, agenda. Pub tonight. Raj's for a curry tomorrow night.
02:34Joe, I think we said monkey magic at your tent on Sunday.
02:36Yep.
02:37Barbara, you're welcome to all of these.
02:39Wicked. I'm going to get crisps.
02:40Great. I can't come to curry tomorrow night, but the rest sounds good.
02:43What?
02:44What?
02:44Actually, I've got a bit of good news.
02:46I've, er...
02:46Well, Barbara and I have been nominated in the local business awards.
02:50Brilliant!
02:51Remember one? We've just been nominated.
02:53It'll go to Tony Gibson, and, er, rightly so.
02:56And the ceremony's tomorrow night?
02:58Yes.
02:59And you've only just found out?
03:01Well, er...
03:02It's sudden, Brian.
03:03Yeah, I...
03:04I think I told me a couple of weeks ago...
03:06Oh, where the hell are we going to get out if it's from at this short notice?
03:10It's black tie, I bet, is it?
03:11Yes, it is.
03:12It's OK. Just go to the tailor.
03:13What, the tailor who beat the shit out of me?
03:14Because I was wearing my mum's pants?
03:16Shall I stick a live wasp at my knob as well, Jo?
03:18Oh, no. Don't do that.
03:19Look, I just presumed you guys wouldn't want to come.
03:21What?
03:22Naomi's going to be there with her new boyfriend.
03:24Good. I'll turn up and make her really jealous by taking a fit date.
03:27I'll have to go to an escort agency, of course.
03:30Unless your wife's got someone...
03:31Julia can't come. We've...
03:33Danani's had to go home.
03:34I'll be your date.
03:35I can't take you.
03:37Naomi knows you.
03:38Right, well, you might change your mind when you see my new dress.
03:41It's...
03:42Fratless.
03:43Are you sure you've not been wearing it the wrong way round?
03:47Yes.
03:48Right, well, lots to do.
03:50Oh, hair, suit.
03:52Oh, this is going to be stressful.
03:54Phew!
03:54I need to get down to the salon for an industrial wax.
03:56Last time I went, it was like Chewbacca had stood on a landmine.
04:00You don't mean proper.
04:01Guys!
04:02It'll be really boring.
04:04You won't enjoy it.
04:06Brian!
04:06Who wouldn't miss this for the world?
04:09Honestly.
04:10It's almost like you don't want us to come.
04:12Whoa!
04:13Shakira!
04:14Best service award.
04:16Good luck.
04:17Good luck.
04:18Who the fuck are you?
04:25Right.
04:26Okay.
04:27You won't remember.
04:28Be the adult.
04:30Hello.
04:31Would I like a suit, please?
04:42No, he remembered.
04:43He definitely remembered.
04:48Oh, Daniel, you are going to love me.
04:56Problem sorted.
05:01All right?
05:03What's going on?
05:04Oh, the product of my ball bag.
05:07Jerry?
05:07My son.
05:09Hello.
05:10All right?
05:11You're right.
05:12He is a lucky streak of piss.
05:15Yes, aren't I?
05:17Your horse, Jerry?
05:18No.
05:19It's just following him around.
05:20Of course it's Jerry's horse.
05:21He's been nominated for Breeder of the Year.
05:23Small Business Awards.
05:24Oh, I'm glad to do that.
05:25Oh, hi.
05:26Good piss-up tis and all.
05:27Dan hasn't been nominated.
05:29They haven't got a micro-penis category.
05:31What?
05:31A bit tiny down there, isn't it?
05:33Tiny?
05:33You can barely see it.
05:35I thought he was a girl till he was nine.
05:37What?
05:37A little thin?
05:38Yes, Jerry, yes.
05:39He's thin.
05:40But there's no length there either.
05:43Shame.
05:45Good.
05:46I think we've established the size of my penis.
05:48If you'll forgive me, I'll go into the house.
05:50Stroke her, Daniel.
05:52No, thank you.
05:53She's lovely.
05:54Stroke the horse.
05:55I don't want to stroke the horse.
05:57Bloody hell, lad.
05:58What's the matter with you?
05:59Stroke the bloody horse.
06:00Well, this is perfect.
06:10Well, what are you doing playing with a horse?
06:13How was I playing with the horse?
06:14It was a trap.
06:15He planned it.
06:16Wake up, old woman.
06:17Oh, sick of these silly comments about your father.
06:20Jerry came to show the horse off.
06:23Yes, and now I've had my tit bitten.
06:24Well, never mind.
06:26No-one will see it under your tux.
06:28I haven't got a tux, Mum.
06:29Your dad's one.
06:31What's that?
06:33Daniel hasn't got a tux for the business awards.
06:35I said you've got one.
06:37I have, too.
06:37You could take your pig, my love.
06:41I'll go and get them.
06:46See?
06:46He'd do anything for you.
06:48He's up to something.
06:49Oh, I used to think he looked smashing in a tux.
06:52The fun we used to have at those Rotary Club dues.
06:56Oh, in the mythical bygone golden era when you could buy a house for three pounds.
07:01None of you ever mention that you only earn 10p a year, though, do you?
07:05Whitewash.
07:06You're so cynical, you kids.
07:08Bandage my tit.
07:09Here it is.
07:11This is the best one.
07:12I never really wore the other.
07:13It's a bit too 70s.
07:15Wait a minute.
07:15You're about a foot shorter than me.
07:17I can alter it, sweetheart.
07:18Oh, look at the little eyes light up at the thought of menial work.
07:23Let me get the sewing machine out.
07:25Oh, exciting.
07:36Is Mario not here, then?
07:39No, he go to get a suite for business awards.
07:42Ah.
07:43You want cuts?
07:45Yeah, I just need it tidies, really.
07:47Cutting it across.
07:48Yes, please.
07:51No, just a trim.
07:52Yes, please.
07:53Yes, please.
07:55Trim across.
07:55Cutting it across.
07:56Yes.
07:59What's that?
08:00Turkish song.
08:01You sing?
08:02Yeah.
08:04Oynamışıkıdım şıkıdım.
08:06Oynamışıkıdım şıkıdım.
08:08That's great.
08:09Oynamışıkıdım şıkıdım.
08:11Oynamışıkıdım şıkıdım.
08:13You do know what I mean, don't you?
08:14Just a trim, yeah?
08:16Trim, yes.
08:17Come on.
08:18Oynamışıkıdım şıkıdım, aşkıdım.
08:21Oynamışıkıdım şıkıdım.
08:23Oynamışıkıdım şıkıdım şıkıdım.
08:26Oh, my fuck!
08:28Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
08:34See? You look nice.
08:38You've done a really great job. Thanks, Mum.
08:40Does my hair look all right?
08:43I don't know that you can tell I've tried to sort of bring it.
08:48You look lovely.
08:51Come and see your son!
08:54I'll pop and get you cufflinks.
08:56Well, well, well.
08:59Just leave me alone.
09:01That old suit's come up pretty well, eh?
09:04Yes. It's good, actually.
09:06We've had some rum old times, me and this suit.
09:11It's just a pity we never really got the chance to have it cleaned, though.
09:16What do you mean?
09:17Well, it hasn't been washed since the Rotary Club ball all those years ago.
09:22And it saw its fair share of action that night.
09:26What?
09:27Your mum couldn't wait for us to get our clothes off. Literally.
09:31So it was a case of pop him out and crack on, so to speak.
09:46And here's the finishing touch.
09:49Forget it. I'm changing.
09:51What?
09:52I won't be the one.
09:56It's Dan Davis. I'm with Ames and Co.
09:59I'll deal with this one.
10:00Oh, no.
10:01Good evening to you, too, sir.
10:02Nice hair.
10:03Look, mate. Do I need trouble? Ticket, please.
10:05My friend's got them. She's not here yet.
10:06Oh, dear.
10:07And it's a little bit chilly tonight, isn't it?
10:09Look, I'm going in.
10:10You can fucking try!
10:11You can fucking try!
10:12Oh!
10:13What a surprise!
10:14Come to have a little lunch.
10:15Oh!
10:16What a surprise!
10:17Come to have a little lunch.
10:18Oh!
10:19little look, have you?
10:20No, I was just...
10:21Well, I haven't got my mum's pants on, I'm afraid.
10:22Look, please, mate.
10:23What a surprise!
10:24Come to have a little look, have you?
10:25No, I was just...
10:26Well, I haven't got my mum's pants on, I'm afraid.
10:29Look, please, mate.
10:30I bet you've got a lovely lacy pair under there, though, haven't you?
10:31You cross-dressing perverts!
10:32No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
10:36Oh!
10:37What a surprise!
10:41Come to have a little look, have you?
10:45No, I was just...
10:46Well, I haven't got my mum's pants on, I'm afraid.
10:49Look, please, mate.
10:51I bet you've got a lovely lacy pair under there, though, haven't you?
10:56You cross-dressing perverts!
10:58Nice little bra under that shirt, is there?
11:01No, it's a... it's a bandage.
11:03I got...
11:04I got bent by a horse.
11:05I'm watching you, you twisted fuck!
11:10I'm watching you, you twisted fuck!
11:24Evening.
11:27Hello.
11:28You waiting for someone?
11:30Yes.
11:32My date.
11:34All right, what's she look like?
11:37You won't miss her.
11:39She'll have the most ridiculous outfit in the room, Mum.
11:43Maybe she's made more of an effort than you realise.
11:47Say what?
11:49Surprise!
11:51Oh, my God!
11:56Joe, what the fuck?
11:57Nailed it!
11:58You said you didn't want Naomi to recognise who you're here with.
12:00Oh, donk!
12:01So you've dressed as a man?
12:03It's amazing, isn't it?
12:04I had it all left over when I was a private detective.
12:07I wanted Naomi to think I had a date.
12:08Yeah.
12:09And now you have.
12:10Why would I want her to think I'm gay?
12:12And if I was gay, why would I be going out with this?
12:15Oh.
12:16Well, this is the most frightening thing you've ever done.
12:18I do feel a bit silly now, actually.
12:19Oh, my God!
12:20Look at...
12:21It's a bit tight.
12:22It's all like I'd get in a charity shop.
12:23Well, I'm not letting Naomi see me.
12:25It's seeing us like this.
12:27I'm going home.
12:28Dan!
12:29Oh, Christ.
12:30Hi.
12:31I thought I might find you here.
12:34Here I am.
12:35Oh, your hair.
12:36Yes.
12:37Oh, well, it doesn't really show.
12:40It shows.
12:41Oh, no, it doesn't.
12:42It shows.
12:43I'm sorry.
12:44I didn't introduce myself.
12:45I'm Naomi.
12:46How do you know me?
12:47The name's Damon.
12:48And how do you know Dan?
12:49We met in Ireland.
12:50Apparently.
12:51We did so.
12:52We were just in Ireland, having a crack over there, and...
12:55and now I'm sorry.
12:56I'm sorry.
12:57I'm sorry.
12:58I'm sorry.
12:59I'm sorry.
13:00I'm sorry.
13:01I'm sorry.
13:02I'm sorry.
13:03I'm sorry.
13:04I'm sorry.
13:05I'm just over here.
13:06Sort of Dan's date.
13:07That's right.
13:08No.
13:09We're, um...
13:10We're business partners.
13:11We've started a business together.
13:13That's why we've come here.
13:14Great!
13:15Finally getting out of teaching.
13:17Hopefully next year.
13:19I win awards myself.
13:21Oh, that's great, Dan.
13:24So what's business?
13:28What?
13:29What business are you starting?
13:32It's, um...
13:34Dog corks.
13:35Dog corks.
13:36Dog corks?
13:37Yes.
13:38Dog corks.
13:39Dog corks.
13:40Yes.
13:41Dog corks.
13:43That's what...
13:44They're like corks?
13:46For dogs.
13:47Yeah.
13:48And what do they...?
13:49The thing is, Naomi, no one likes to see dog mess on the streets.
13:52So me and, er, your man here, what we've planned to do is, er, cork them all.
13:59Oh.
14:00Yeah.
14:01Oh, my God.
14:02But surely the...
14:03Yes.
14:04You would think that palming a cork into a dog's arse to stop her from shitting would
14:09be both cruel and dangerous for the dog.
14:12But, in fact, no.
14:14It turns out it's perfectly safe.
14:16And, against all odds, a viable business.
14:20Right.
14:21Dan, you're bleeding.
14:24Yeah.
14:25A horse bit my tit.
14:27Excuse me, sweetheart.
14:28Have you got a minute?
14:29I want to introduce you to, er...
14:30Oh, I'm so sorry.
14:31Hi, guys.
14:32Ha, ha, ha.
14:33Dan.
14:34Damon.
14:35This is Ben.
14:36Er, my...
14:37Well, my boyfriend.
14:38My friend.
14:39It is so nice to actually meet you.
14:41I have heard so much about you.
14:43Oh, God.
14:44Sorry.
14:45You are...
14:47He's Damon.
14:48He's from Ireland.
14:50Your date?
14:53No.
14:54He's my business partner.
14:58We're going to be sticking corks into dogs' arses for a living.
15:02Unless, of course, I bleed to death from this horse bite.
15:06Nice to meet you, Ben.
15:08Come on, Damon.
15:14Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for the 2013 West Regional Small Business of the Year Awards.
15:20And please welcome your host.
15:22You'll know him from local weather reports from right across the county,
15:25Mike Bradley!
15:32Thank you, thank you.
15:33Who's this twat?
15:34Tell me what's the local news.
15:36This is the weatherman.
15:37That there's snow business like a small business.
15:42It's worth a bellend.
15:43Please.
15:44Just lightening the mood.
15:45Calm down on the cider.
15:46All right.
15:47On a serious note, can I just say, what a lovely chocolate fountain.
15:59Winner of the Best Butcher Award is...
16:02Big Dave Bowers!
16:04What's it growing?
16:05It's bacon!
16:06Next up, the award for Best Hairdresser.
16:07And the winner of the Best Service Award goes to...
16:09Bob's Cafe!
16:10Look at Bob's Cafe!
16:11I'll get Bob if you're going to muck about.
16:12You know what?
16:13It's bacon!
16:14It's bacon!
16:15It's bacon!
16:16Next up, the award for Best Hairdresser.
16:17And the winner of the Best Service Award goes to...
16:18Bob's Cafe!
16:22And the winner of the Best Service Award goes to...
16:30Bob's Café!
16:39I'll get Bob if you're going to muck about.
16:47And now it's time for a very special award, the Financial Services Award.
16:51Is this you, Brian?
16:52And to read the nominations, I'd like you all to welcome the sponsor of tonight's event, Ben Bradgate.
16:59Oh, God. This is it.
17:01OK, guys. And the nominees are...
17:05Paul Johnson, Financial Solutions.
17:11Tony Gibson, Accountancy.
17:17And Brian Amers & Co.
17:19Woooo!
17:20Woooo!
17:21Woooo!
17:22Woooo!
17:23Wooooo!
17:24Woooo!
17:25And the winner is...
17:28Tony Gibson.
17:30No way!
17:32You don't understand.
17:35I can't.
17:36I'm sorry. I'm not having this.
17:37No! Stop! Stop!
17:39No!
17:40Oh, my God.
17:42He's dead at Kanye.
17:43I don't want to do this really, guys, but...
17:46I'm so sorry.
17:48Some things have got to be said, right?
17:52I'm so...
17:53I'm so sorry about this.
17:57But I...
17:59Listen, guys, I know he hasn't won.
18:01But I want to say a few words about Brian Ames.
18:03I think he's the best financial advisor in the whole world.
18:07This is just one world war ceremony and he hasn't won it.
18:10And I respect the judges.
18:11I respect the judges.
18:13But as far as financial advisor goes, you're not going to get a better guy.
18:17And the guy who's sitting over in that corner right now, I can tell you that.
18:20He got my cast iron guarantee on that right now.
18:23Okay?
18:25I don't know who Tony fucking Gibson is.
18:29Good luck to him.
18:31I'm sure he can handle a fucking calculator as well as most men.
18:36But you want to tell me that Brian Ames can't do it better?
18:39You're wrong!
18:41I'm sorry to raise my voice, guys.
18:44You don't need to be a genius to work out that this is a quality event.
18:49Have a look at the chocolate fountain.
18:51But on this occasion, when it comes to financial services, we got it wrong.
18:57You got it wrong.
18:59I got it wrong.
19:04And guys, let's keep this awards ceremony for us, can we?
19:09Can we keep this special awards ceremony real and fresh and for the people of this town?
19:17God, I hope so.
19:19Look after each other, alright?
19:21We're a community here.
19:26Peace!
19:28Alright?
19:30Naomi, I love you!
19:33Slip slide!
19:34Well, thanks for that.
19:46As most of you will know, Tony Gibson passed away last week after a long battle with illness.
19:53But his widow, Sandra, and his daughter, Louise, are here to collect his posthumous award.
20:02APPLAUSE
20:03My daddy was a hero.
20:16It was very sweet of you, Dan.
20:17Misguided.
20:18Embarrassing.
20:19I mean, ball-clenchingly embarrassing.
20:21But very sweet.
20:22Let's get some drinks.
20:23No need.
20:24Me and Barbara have sausages.
20:26Come on, Dan.
20:27Dan!
20:28Dan!
20:29Get a chocolate tash!
20:30Where's that chocolate fountain?
20:31Beef!
20:32Beef!
20:33Beef!
20:35I feel it in my head.
20:36I mean, ball-clenchingly embarrassing, but very sweet.
20:43Let's get some drinks.
20:45No need. Me and Barbara have sausages.
20:50Come on, Dan.
20:52Dan! Get a chocolate tash!
20:56Where's that chocolate fountain?
20:58Beef!
21:06That table doesn't look like much fun to me.
21:14Barbara, you spoke.
21:17Yes.
21:19I said that table over there doesn't look like much fun, does it?
21:24I'm glad we're on this table, aren't you?
21:28Yeah.
21:30I think I might be.
21:32I've always hated the slow dances. I never get arsed.
21:37I'll take you for a slow dance, Joe.
21:41Wicked!
21:42I've had a right laugh tonight. Have you?
21:43Yeah.
21:44Yeah.
21:45Yeah.
21:46Yeah, I have, David.
21:47I've had a right laugh tonight. Have you?
21:48Yeah.
21:49Yeah, I have, David.
21:50I'll tell you what, this bra is actually killing me.
21:51Wow.
21:52What a surprise.
21:53Ah!
21:54Ah!
21:55Ah!
21:56Ah!
21:57Ah!
21:58Ah!
21:59Ah!
22:00Ah!
22:01Ah!
22:02Ah!
22:03Ah!
22:04Ah!
22:05Ah!
22:06Ah!
22:07Ah!
22:08Ah!
22:09Ah!
22:10Ah!
22:11Ah!
22:12Ah!
22:13Ah!
22:14Ah!
22:15Ah!
22:16Ah!
22:17Ah!
22:18Ah!
22:19Ah!
22:20Ah!
22:21Ah!
22:22Ah!
22:23Ah!
22:24Ah!
22:25Ah!
22:26Ah!
22:27Ah!
22:28Ah!
22:29Ah!
22:30Ah!
22:31Ah!
22:32Ah!
22:33Ah!
22:34Ah!
22:35Ah!
22:36Ah!
22:37Ah!
22:38Ah!
22:39Ah!
22:40Ah!
22:41Ah!
22:42Ah!
22:43Ah!
22:44Ah!
22:45Ah!
22:46Ah!
22:47Ah!
22:48Ah!
22:49Ah!
22:50Ah!
22:51Ah!
22:52Ah!
22:53Ah!
22:54Ah!
22:55And everyone, just hold down!
23:15Tonight the music sings so hard
23:18That we could lose this crowd
23:21Maybe it's better this way
23:24We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say
23:27We could have been so good together
23:30We could have lived this dance forever
23:33But no one who's gonna dance with me
23:38Please dance
23:41We could have been so happy
23:44If you are so happy
23:47We would have been so happy
23:49We could have been so happy
23:50Just like everybody
23:51We could have been so happy
23:52We could have been so happy
23:53And we could have been so happy
23:55Give us a chance to have a little sister
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