- 2 days ago
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00:01You tell me.
00:02I thought you'd invited me in here to discuss us.
00:04Are you cross?
00:05The idea of an us has never been further away.
00:09You are cross.
00:10You tell me what you think you've done wrong.
00:13I went down that alleyway behind the co-op once
00:15because someone told me there were some jazz mags there,
00:17but that was in the 80s.
00:18This is serious. There's been a complaint.
00:21What did you do while you were invigilating
00:23the science GCSE exam last week?
00:25Nothing, I mean.
00:27Had a couple of games at Camp Isle.
00:29Right, what's Camp Isle?
00:30You know, Camp Isle.
00:32Me and Dave from English invented it.
00:34You take it in turns, the min...
00:35Mince up and down between the rows of desks
00:37in an incrementally camp manner
00:39while stifling giggles.
00:43It's not just me.
00:44Well, you were the one who was seen.
00:45That's cos I'm the best.
00:47It's offensive.
00:48And it's offended the gay person who's complained.
00:52What? June Telford from Science?
00:54She's not gay.
00:55The 60s were a cock harvest, Dan. Her words.
00:58It's a pupil.
00:59There's a gay kid in year 10?
01:01Brilliant.
01:02Who is it?
01:03I won't be naming names.
01:04What, do they do drama?
01:05No.
01:06Well, why not?
01:08I need those guys.
01:10What?
01:11Come on.
01:12Gays improve plays.
01:14You haven't got a clue, have you?
01:22Welcome to your weekend, Dan.
01:24I'm done.
01:25I'm done.
01:26I'm done.
01:27I'm done.
01:28I'm done.
01:29I'm done.
01:30I'm done.
01:31I'm done.
01:32Well, if it's getting to the point it's affecting your squash game, you know you need to get that knee sorted.
01:45Yeah.
01:46Barbara beat you, didn't she?
01:47I was very tired that day and I think Barbara would be the first to admit that her service is borderline illegal.
01:52Well, I don't blame you, Brian. Hospital is amazing. Got a telly. Him over there. Free magazines. Satsumas. Wish I had a dodgy knee.
02:05I have a business to run, Joe. This is no holiday.
02:06What do you think Magda and I are doing down the salon? Celebrity fusions is tough.
02:07Joe, for the last time, nobody wants two celebrity looks on their face simultaneously. It's a business disaster.
02:12Sorry, Brian. I'm not being funny, but, erm, I think I've been doing a lot of things.
02:14I think Barbara would be the first to admit that her service is borderline illegal.
02:17Well, I don't blame you, Brian. Hospital is amazing.
02:19I've got a telly. Him over there. Free magazines. Satsumas. Wish I had a dodgy knee.
02:22I have a business to run, Joe. This is no holiday.
02:24What do you think Magda and I are doing down the salon? Celebrity fusions is tough.
02:26Joe, for the last time, nobody wants two celebrity looks on their face simultaneously. It's a business disaster.
02:32Sorry, Brian. I'm not being funny, but, erm, why don't you just stick to what you do?
02:36What? Like advise small businesses?
02:39Unbelievable. She's sent to me on the diversity course.
02:43Hello, Brian. Sorry I'm really late. Nervous about your operation.
02:48Gonna have one of your Satsumas, Brian.
02:50She said I was homophobic. Me. Homophobic. I wish I was gay. I've told you that.
02:55They're all out, having the time of their lives. What are we doing? Sitting at home complaining about milk?
02:59No. As soon as I find a man I fancy, I'll make him the future Mr Davis.
03:04Presuming he's happy to take your name? She said I was a dinosaur.
03:07You're not a dinosaur, Dan. I've seen pictures. They're fucking massive.
03:11If anything, homophobicly suggests that all gay people are camp.
03:15You've met Simon from the White Lion. He walks like a Robocop.
03:18Would anyone here care to talk about my forthcoming operation?
03:21Now, I'm spending my Saturday with a name badge on, tossing a ball round the room.
03:26Hello, everyone. My name's Dan and I like pasta.
03:30Visiting hours are up, so if you wouldn't mind.
03:33That's fine. And can I just say, I don't think you are paid enough.
03:37All women should be paid more.
03:39Except those who are tossing around in someone else's beauty salon.
03:42Barbara, you should come down the salon. I could do you a Rhiannie Lennox.
03:49Good luck with the operation, Brian.
03:53Bit of a handful, that lot.
03:54Gosh, yes. The wife seems nice and quiet, though.
03:57Barbara? Oh, oh, no. God, no. Barbara's not my wife.
04:01No, my family are up in Leith. For a whole week.
04:05I miss them like hell.
04:11I mean, it's just common sense, this.
04:13OK. Oi! Oi! Stop that.
04:16What?
04:17No more cleaning for you.
04:18I like cleaning.
04:19No, you don't. You've been brainwashed, it says here.
04:21I've not been brainwashed.
04:23It's lovely when everything's all spick and span.
04:26Look, old woman. If I take enough of these off, I'll get away from the course early.
04:30So I've just challenged a gender role.
04:32So no more cleaning for you. Tick.
04:34Ah, Polly. Can you... Can you help me get rid of this stain?
04:39Fuck me. Half a car wash.
04:41Yes, I don't expect you to know anything about traditional English festivals.
04:44You're a slave to technology and pornography.
04:47I'm surprised you haven't rubbed your front tail off.
04:49Now, Polly. This stain. Can you help?
04:52No, she can't.
04:53Daniel says I'm not to clean any more.
04:56He's on a course.
04:58Your mother is made happy by manual labour. She is a woman.
05:02That is an archaic view and I'm challenging it.
05:05Besides, I've ticked the box now so there's no going back. No more cleaning.
05:08And anyway, you're a woman too.
05:10I'm more of a man than you'll ever be.
05:12I ran the farm for 30 years after Bertie died.
05:15I evolved. I haven't had a sit-down wee since 1978.
05:19Ugh. But your mother's role is more traditional.
05:22Things have moved on, Nesta.
05:24Who's going to do it then?
05:26Somebody's got to, since Mrs Wigmore mysteriously resigned.
05:30Why did Wigmore resign?
05:32It doesn't matter why Mrs Wigmore resigned. The point is, Mum's not cleaning any more.
05:40The boy's gone queer, Polly.
05:42Er, the boy has gone strange. Please, Nesta. It's a piece of piss, this. Dick.
05:49We'll just let the hair set, Mrs Williams. And then you can look at the new you.
05:56We're going to keep doing for free.
05:58All right, Magda. We'll start charging soon. We need to get the portfolio finished. Where are we?
06:03So, so far we've got the Hallelulu, Halle Berry and Lulu.
06:08Amazing.
06:09Live and let Dido. Live, Tyler. Dido.
06:12Brave. Fucking brave.
06:14Lovely lips you've done there. So thin. Who is this?
06:21Duchess of Cambridge, Malcolm X.
06:24The Malcolm in the Middleton.
06:27This one is going to be so popular.
06:30So brave.
06:31You've said that. Over here, we have another classic.
06:35You said it wasn't possible to combine Beyonce and Liza Minnelli.
06:41I was doubting Thomas.
06:43Yes.
06:44Behold.
06:46The Beyoncé.
06:48It's beautiful.
06:49I only came in for a captain's set.
06:53And I just realised I'd presumed that about her just because she was from Ireland.
06:58I felt really ashamed.
07:02Well, I think you're being a little harsh on yourself.
07:05Irish do pride themselves on the drink.
07:08Dan.
07:09Oh, yes.
07:12Hello.
07:13I'm Dan.
07:14I found the pamphlet incredibly useful as well.
07:16I probably don't need to do the whole day because I've already stopped my mum from doing housework.
07:22Wow.
07:23That's a quick response.
07:24She's been a slave too long, guys.
07:26So I'm going to get her a cleaner.
07:27Oh, good.
07:28So another poor woman gets to do all the work.
07:30What?
07:31It could sound like you've rather transferred the problem there, Dan.
07:34Can I throw this now or what?
07:39Well, I think now we're going to have a great day, guys.
07:41Now, your employers would have sent you here for a variety of reasons.
07:44I know some of you are in coordinator roles and some of you, dare I say, need to sharpen up on your attitudes a little.
07:51Whatever the reason, I will try my best not to make the world of diversity awareness seem too boring.
07:57So this afternoon, we'll actually be going out into the community to meet people from all different backgrounds.
08:02But what I want to do first, a little energizer.
08:05Everyone on your feet.
08:07Now, what I want you to do is find yourself a diversity buddy.
08:10And that's someone you feel is from a very different background to you.
08:14Here we go.
08:19Fine.
08:27Hello, I'm Dan.
08:29Tegun.
08:30Sorry?
08:31You know what you might eat?
08:32Tegun.
08:33Right.
08:34No English at all, eh?
08:36Tegun.
08:38Well, nice to meet you.
08:41Ah.
08:42False sound, eh?
08:44Yeah.
08:46I anticipate the operation going smoothly, Mr. Ames, but we may have to break the bone to reset it again.
08:51So that could mean an extra couple of weeks, I'm afraid.
08:53Well, Doctor, if it's a break I need, it's a break I need.
09:03And next up, a double bill of Britain's greatest steam engines.
09:07Present it by Katie Dillon.
09:11Right.
09:12Time's up.
09:14So, let's pop around the room and hear about your chats.
09:17Now, I want to hear a few things about your partner, but remember...
09:24OK?
09:26Want to start?
09:27Right.
09:28Well, er, this is Sue.
09:29She has three daughters, who she loves very much.
09:32Almost as much as she loves Aston Villa Football Club.
09:36And, er, she dreams of walking up Machu Picchu one day.
09:39Don't we all?
09:40Er, Dan, two things about your partner, please.
09:44Oh.
09:45Oh, no, I don't think I can, so if you'd like to...
09:47Come on, don't be shy.
09:48We're all going to have to talk over the course of the day.
09:50OK.
09:52Erm, she's not English.
09:54Uh-uh-uh.
09:55No referencing backgrounds, remember?
09:57Yeah, but I...
09:58Please.
09:59I don't really know anything.
10:06You've been chatting for 15 minutes.
10:08Yeah, but...
10:09Dan, please!
10:12So...
10:14This is Tegun.
10:19And...
10:20Honestly?
10:22I think there's something wrong with her.
10:24So, whilst it is important to be open and direct,
10:29it's also important to be aware of the impact that we can have
10:32on other people from different groups.
10:35Now, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it when we start working through this.
10:37Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:38And if I tick all these off, will I get a certificate?
10:40Cos I've ploughed through quite a few of these already.
10:42Right, it's not just about ticking things off.
10:44It's about reaching a new level of awareness.
10:47As I think your little cleaner story demonstrated.
10:49OK.
10:50I can do that.
10:51And it's great that you want to.
10:52Oh, God, I do!
10:54If I nail this, me and my boss will be in and out of each other
10:56like a set of Russian dolls.
10:59And I'll have embraced diversity.
11:02I'll see you after lunch, Dan.
11:06I think we're really onto something here.
11:08It's our bravest look yet.
11:09It puts more shade on the chin.
11:11No, I do both of them have.
11:12I just...
11:13No, you do eyes and hair. East agreement.
11:15All right, Magda.
11:16If you want this business to work, you need to be more flexible.
11:19Dan, how's the course?
11:21It's a waste of taxpayers' money. That's what it is.
11:23Fuck!
11:24Right?
11:25I mean, it's hard enough getting Chairman Mao's look right.
11:28Combine that with Samantha from Sex and the City,
11:31or as we like to call it, Chamantha Mao.
11:34From Sex and the City.
11:38So bold.
11:39I mean, you're lunatics.
11:43What's he fucking laughing at?
11:44Ignore him, Shakira.
11:45You look great.
11:47Bob?
11:48Not Bob.
11:49Bob!
11:50No!
11:51Get used to it!
11:58Business going well?
11:59Yes.
12:00It's good.
12:01So this one's called the Jesus to a Childs?
12:07Hmm.
12:08Magda, I shouldn't ask this, I suppose, but...
12:10Is there really a woman that's going to want Adrian, Childs and Christ combined on their face?
12:14Yes.
12:15All women like make-up.
12:17Do they?
12:18Or are women doing it for men?
12:20My husband like make-up.
12:21I'll bet he does.
12:24Probably because he is...
12:27seeking to objectify you.
12:29Oh, Magda.
12:31You don't need make-up.
12:33You're beautiful without it.
12:35Am I?
12:36Probably.
12:37Now, come on.
12:40Let's get all this muck off your face.
12:45Don't worry about it.
12:47Yeah.
12:48That was good.
12:49Yeah.
12:50It was totally clean.
12:51I promise you, I've never left an house so clean.
12:54It was a proper good job.
12:56Yeah.
12:57That's because I'm the best and I am.
13:00Excuse me?
13:01How long have you been a cleaner, Scott?
13:07Donkeys years.
13:08He's done it for ages.
13:09Doesn't look like a bloody chambermaid.
13:11It's not 1913.
13:12Get off to your festival of bunking, you.
13:14Go and throw some seeds in a kid's face.
13:16What would you use to clean glass, Scott?
13:19What?
13:22Just use an old avocado.
13:24He uses an avocado.
13:25He's old school.
13:26That would smear, surely.
13:28This is horse shit.
13:29He's not a cleaner.
13:31What?
13:32Because he's a man?
13:33It is the 21st century old woman.
13:35Right, Scott?
13:36Yeah.
13:37Right.
13:38And you do ironing?
13:39Of course he does ironing.
13:40Oh, fuck yeah.
13:41See?
13:42What's the biggest thing you've ever ironed, Scott?
13:45Erm...
13:46I ironed a windsock once.
13:48You ironed a windsock once.
13:49And they're massive, aren't they?
13:51It was a windsock, was it?
13:52Yeah.
13:53Yeah.
13:54Right.
13:55If you'll forgive me, I'm gonna go and finish my course now.
13:58I'm very disappointed in you two, actually.
14:02A windsock.
14:09Where do you want me to start?
14:13And when you start to see things through that prism, you start to...
14:16He's a man!
14:19Sorry?
14:20My mum's new cleaner.
14:21He is male.
14:22Oh!
14:23Weren't expecting that, were we, Sue?
14:26See what I do?
14:27I challenge.
14:28I adapt.
14:29You're all seeing that now.
14:30Tegan!
14:31Thank you, Tegan.
14:32Thank you, Tegan.
14:34OK.
14:35Thank you for that, Dan.
14:36So, this afternoon, in your pairs, we're going to be building a tower.
14:42What?
14:43Not with cards.
14:44It's just a little trust exercise.
14:46Tegan can't build a card tower.
14:49Oh, come on.
14:50What's she gonna use?
14:51This?
14:52Oh, God.
14:54It's about finding a balance, Dan.
14:56Making Tegan feel like she can't take part like that.
14:58Mate, she's got a false hunt.
15:00She's physically challenged, yes.
15:01But that doesn't mean you exclude her.
15:03You adapt to her company.
15:05Mate, I'm just being practical.
15:06We've all got our limits.
15:07Tegan can no more build a card tower than I can wear a dwarf's...
15:12...tabard?
15:13Right.
15:14I think that's it.
15:15I think we've reached the end of the road, Dan.
15:21David!
15:22What about the community interviews?
15:45Tegan, what are you doing here?
15:47I've been kicked off the course.
15:48I've been kicked off the course.
15:51Go and work with Sue and Naz.
15:53I don't want you to fail because of me.
15:54Tegan!
15:56What are you trying to say?
16:01Tegan...
16:05You're right.
16:06I shouldn't give up.
16:07If it's a guest he wants, it's a guest he'll get.
16:08Tegan!
16:09Exactly.
16:10Nesta, it's me.
16:11I'm sorry to call you.
16:12It's that cleaner, Dan, you've got me.
16:13It's taken everything.
16:14That bloody fool!
16:15Leave it with me, Polly.
16:16I'll turn back now.
16:19Tegan!
16:20Tegan!
16:22Tegan!
16:23Tegan!
16:24Yeah!
16:25Must be nice to get a bit of fresh air, isn't it, mate?
16:26Where are you taking me?
16:27I'm meant to be resting.
16:28Well...
16:29I just thought we could pop out for a little bit.
16:30Tegan!
16:31Tegan!
16:32Tegan!
16:33Tegan!
16:34Tegan!
16:35Tegan!
16:36Tegan!
16:37Tegan!
16:38Tegan!
16:39Tegan!
16:40Tegan!
16:41Tegan!
16:42Tegan!
16:43Tegan!
16:44Tegan!
16:45Tegan!
16:46Tegan!
16:47Tegan!
16:48Tegan!
16:49Tegan!
16:50Tegan!
16:51Tegan!
16:52Tegan!
16:53Tegan!
16:54Tegan!
16:55Tegan!
16:56Tegan!
16:57Tegan!
16:58Tegan!
16:59Tegan!
17:00Tegan!
17:01Tegan!
17:02Tegan!
17:03Tegan!
17:04Tegan!
17:05Tegan!
17:06Tegan!
17:07Tegan!
17:08Tegan!
17:09Tegan!
17:10Tegan!
17:11Tegan!
17:12Tegan!
17:13Tegan!
17:14Tegan!
17:15Tegan!
17:16Tegan!
17:17David's going to love this.
17:25Taggart, we've hit the diversity mother load.
17:28Taggart!
17:29Put the big glove on.
17:33We were just driving to my local park
17:35and this lady was in tears on a bench.
17:38Naz and I spoke to her and I wouldn't have normally.
17:42Anyway, it turns out she's been kicked out by her husband.
17:50She'd only pop back to get some more cleanser and he threw her out.
17:54My husband say he don't like me with no make-up.
18:01He say my face look like bread.
18:06I like make-up.
18:07And why shouldn't you?
18:09Because my friend's friend said it made me slut for men.
18:14I'm back!
18:16David, I know I've been kicked off the course,
18:18but I think you're going to love this.
18:19This is my friend Brian and he's in a wheelchair.
18:22That's him!
18:24That's the man!
18:25Magda, what are you doing here?
18:27He's the one who forced me.
18:30It's all his fault!
18:32Yet again, Dan, you seem to have misinterpreted the course.
18:35No, I haven't. I'm nailing it. I've got a disabled friend.
18:38He's not disabled. He's clearly coming round from an operation.
18:42Wow!
18:44He is disabled.
18:45And he's gay, which is fine.
18:47And also, he's a mute since birth.
18:49So you're prejudiced.
18:50Choo-choo, move along the garden.
18:52He's not mute.
18:53He just said,
18:54Choo-choo, move along the garden.
18:56My husband kicked me out.
18:58And you destroyed my business!
19:00I was liberating you.
19:03And you haven't got a business, you fucking nutter!
19:06Oh, my...
19:07Excuse me.
19:08Are you Dan Davis?
19:10Yes.
19:11Your aunt's here.
19:14What?
19:15I really need to go home.
19:19I can't let you go
19:20with half a slim, shady gaga, Mrs Thompson.
19:23My business partner hasn't shown up.
19:25I only wanted a cut and set.
19:27Shh!
19:28I'll give her another try.
19:32Magda?
19:32Where the hell are you?
19:34Are you crying?
19:36What?
19:37He said what?
19:40Master!
19:41I don't have time for this.
19:42I...
19:43You bloody fool!
19:46Oh, my...
19:47What have you done?
19:49What have I done?
19:51You rotter.
19:52You have hired a gangster
19:54to clean your mother's house.
19:56I am supposed to be dancing a jig
19:58at the Banbury Folk Festival,
20:00not dealing with naughty boys.
20:02Master, you have to get out of here.
20:04They won't understand this.
20:05No-one would understand this.
20:07Understand what?
20:08Well, this!
20:09This is a Banbury tradition.
20:12Now, I am going to see your mother
20:14and you are coming with me.
20:15You go.
20:16I'm just going to go and get my certificate, OK?
20:18Daniel!
20:19You can decide how,
20:21but one way or another,
20:23you are coming with me.
20:28OK, guys.
20:29All right, let's take it down.
20:30Oh, my God!
20:33Ah!
20:42Oh, he's a brave little boy
20:44putting up a fight.
20:46Master, please!
20:47Stan, for God's sake, stop this!
20:49I can get you help!
20:50Fuck off, David.
20:51She started it.
20:52Well, there's no-one he doesn't hate.
20:54Leave her alone!
20:55Victim!
20:56I live with her.
20:57Domestic violence!
20:59Victim!
20:59Your mum's house has been totally emptied.
21:03Oh!
21:05Victim!
21:06Dan!
21:07Dan!
21:09This is all your fault!
21:11He's beaten up another old woman!
21:14Victims!
21:15Plural!
21:17Victim!
21:17No, it's make-up!
21:19You don't like women wearing make-up!
21:22Victim!
21:23Please stop shouting victim!
21:24This is a misunderstanding!
21:27Oh!
21:28Master, that's him!
21:29The male cleaner!
21:30That's the man that took all my mum's stuff!
21:32Trying to get other people to do time for him!
21:35Victim!
21:36Aye!
21:36Aye!
21:37You're not going anywhere,
21:38you sick bastard!
21:40Please!
21:41Aye!
21:41Tegon!
21:47Tegon!
21:52David,
21:53you wanted to know two things about my partner.
21:57That is Tegon.
21:58She is fiercely loyal,
22:00and as it turns out,
22:01a fucking good throw.
22:03Now,
22:04can I have
22:05my certificate?
22:07Please!
22:09Victim!
22:15Lovely lines.
22:16Confident strife from Davies here.
22:19The big man.
22:20Focused.
22:21Finding his groove early on.
22:23Now then,
22:23what's he got for us here?
22:25Oh my goodness!
22:25What's this?
22:26He's gone for it!
22:27It's a full hip swivel!
22:28This is going to break records!
22:30This might be one of those flamboyant eye walks I've ever seen!
22:33The old master,
22:34back at the top of his game!
22:36We'll see you next time!
23:06You
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