- 2 days ago
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😹
FunTranscript
00:01Right, I'm here. Before you start, Karen, I know I'm late.
00:05What's going on? Why are you all sitting like this?
00:08You've got visitors, sir.
00:10Mr Davis.
00:12Mr and Mrs Elliston are thinking of transferring their daughter to the school,
00:17and she loves drama, so we thought we'd pop in.
00:21What?
00:24Welcome.
00:25Welcome.
00:28So...
00:35Good morning, everyone.
00:38Good morning, sir.
00:40Right.
00:41Are you wearing slippers?
00:43Yes. Yes, I am. Now.
00:45Why are you wearing slippers?
00:46It doesn't matter.
00:47Is this someone to do the space mission, sir?
00:49No.
00:50But surely slippers would make it difficult to get a sufficient purchase on the space rock?
00:55Shut up!
00:58It's got nothing to do with the space mission, everyone.
01:01It's a little incident with my neighbour's cat and my shoes.
01:04Did it poo in them?
01:05It was just a wee, but it's an old cat, so it properly stinks.
01:11So where were we with the lesson?
01:13Dennis Reck and Tiki kick an alien's nutsack off, sir.
01:16We don't talk about things like that in here.
01:18Oh, we do. Often.
01:20Yes.
01:21And I've said you can't kick anything's nutsack off and that's the end of it.
01:24You can, sir!
01:25My uncle kicked the pigs off!
01:27Jesus, did he?
01:28Yeah!
01:29He tried to bite him!
01:30Yeah, well, they don't like being cornered, do they, guys?
01:32Pigs do not like being cornered.
01:36Oh!
01:37Now!
01:38Focus!
01:39What's happening with the lesson?
01:41You said we'd meet the alien lizard king this lesson.
01:44Did you forget?
01:46No!
02:04Fuck it!
02:11Come here.
02:12We're out.
02:13What's your name?
02:14Huh?
02:15The alien lizard king.
02:16Hello?
02:41I've never seen you eat, Brian. It's so weird.
02:48Shakira, could I have a little pepper?
02:50Fuck off.
02:52First 10K run of the season tomorrow, so I need the protein.
02:56Shakira's ripped you off, mate. That is egg.
02:59Dominic says...
03:00Here we go. Pray silence for what Dominic says.
03:03Dominic says food is key to focus, so I need it.
03:07And by the way, Joe, egg is protein.
03:10Right. And a pen is a house, is it?
03:13Dominic says I can go for my PB tomorrow.
03:15Hello, everyone. My name's Brian.
03:17I used to listen to my friends, but now I'm too busy jog-dogging with Dominic.
03:21Honestly, mate, I think you'd finger a swan if he asked you to.
03:24Sorry, I just happened to find him inspirational.
03:26Three side of quizzes on the bounce you've missed.
03:28You know I can't win with Joe. She thinks Abba is a person.
03:31Well, I can't go either. I'm moving house.
03:33Since when?
03:34Mr. Cain will kick me out for not paying rent, no biggie.
03:37I've already got another place sorted.
03:39Well, if I've lost you two, I truly have nothing left in the world to lose.
03:46There's a mouthful left in that, Shakira.
03:49Bob!
03:52Dan, you're being absurd. You're not losing me to Dominic.
03:57Tim, I'm giving you a lie-in tomorrow. Let's meet at 5.35.
04:04That's actually very good.
04:06That is very good.
04:08That is very funny.
04:11Right. Fine.
04:13Well, I won't go to side a quiz either.
04:15I'll get an early night and I'll come to your running club with you tomorrow morning.
04:20I don't think running club is for you, Dan.
04:23Shorts? What do you want with shorts?
04:26I'm making a sports-themed quilt.
04:28Ooh, lovely.
04:30Obviously not. I'm joining Brian's running club.
04:35Don't be silly.
04:37Fuck off I am.
04:38You can't go running, you silly boy. Not with your big fat tummy and twigglet legs.
04:45Oh, right. Well, it's you're ripped, aren't you, Jessica Ennis?
04:48I thought Baby Elephant had broken in last week when you wore that sleeveless top.
04:52You have got some shorts, Daniel, but they're from when you were at school.
04:55You can't go running in tight shorts. It gives you a rash. You know it does.
05:00Listen, when I want advice about pacing myself during the buffing of worthless china tat, I'll come to you.
05:05Until then, get my shorts.
05:07What's the fuss?
05:08Daniel's going running.
05:10Stop laughing.
05:20What time are you getting off?
05:225am.
05:40Wakey-wakey, Daniel. Rise and shine. Running time.
05:47Oh!
05:49Oh!
05:50Oh!
05:51Oh!
05:52Oh!
05:53Oh!
05:54Oh!
05:55Oh!
05:56Hey!
05:57Fuck!
06:01What the fuck are you doing?
06:03You said you wanted to be woken up early.
06:05What time is it?
06:062.30.
06:07I've only been asleep for an hour! Why are you waking me up now?
06:11Thought you might not have stretch.
06:15And five!
06:16Five!
06:27Oh!
06:28God!
06:31You look dreadful.
06:33And why are you wearing slippers?
06:35Better sort yourself out before Dominic gets here. You're on the tight ship.
06:37I'm shagged already, mate. I barely slept last night.
06:40Oh!
06:41Shit!
06:42He's here.
06:43Behave!
06:48Team!
06:49Hi Dominic!
06:50Hi Dominic.
06:51Hi Dominic.
06:52Hope you lot are ready for a beefing today.
06:54Ah!
06:55It's all right, guys!
06:56Yeah!
06:57Okay!
06:58Beef!
06:59Plate up.
07:01It's a crisp morning.
07:02Puts me in mind of Soul 88.
07:05All right.
07:06Here's how I read it.
07:07We head up Hammer Hill, then get a rage on through the woods.
07:10And I do mean rage.
07:12I can't have any half-measures.
07:14Watch!
07:15Hot tea!
07:26Hot.
07:27Tea!
07:28Yes!
07:29Come on!
07:30It's the way we like it.
07:31What the fuck was that about?
07:32I'm trying to listen.
07:33Remember, you are in control.
07:36It all starts with the mine.
07:38Goodness.
07:39Yes.
07:40Commitment.
07:41Gosh!
07:42Beefy!
07:43What's the special about him?
07:44All he's done so far is pour tea on the floor.
07:46Big deal.
07:47Come to the staff room, mate.
07:48Shakey O'Donnell's covered in the stuff.
07:49Dan.
07:50Please.
07:51I just don't see what all the fuss is about.
07:53He just seems that...
07:56Oh!
07:57Oh my God!
07:59Dan.
08:00That's the biggest ass I've ever seen.
08:02What was his sport, mate?
08:03It wasn't fucking hurdles, was it?
08:05Not that big.
08:06Brian!
08:07He looks like a centaur!
08:08Look!
08:09This is precisely why I didn't want you coming to Running Club.
08:11This is my sanctuary.
08:13It's huge!
08:14We can make money out of this.
08:16All we need is a caravan.
08:17Shit.
08:18He's coming over.
08:19I swear, if you mention his ass, I will never speak to you again.
08:22Do you understand?
08:23Good one, men.
08:24Hey.
08:25New member alert.
08:26Friend of yours, Ben?
08:28It's Brian.
08:29Hi, Brian.
08:30Hello.
08:31No, I'm Brian.
08:32Dan, Ben, Brian.
08:33Who gives a fuck?
08:34Great to have another pain addict on board.
08:36Glad to see you made a start on the cranberry.
08:38In Seoul, we drank so much of this, we pissed crimson.
08:43Wow.
08:44He just flicked the end of my penis.
08:45Never miss.
08:46Come on, guys!
08:47Lunge it!
08:48That arse is so ripe it's gonna come off the vine, Brian.
08:52What's that?
08:53Looking forward to the burn today, Dominic?
08:54Always.
08:57Where'd you get your jogging bottoms, Dom?
08:59I have to order them online.
09:00It's hard to find the right fit.
09:01I bet it fucking is.
09:02Dominic, just to let you know, I've got this old hamstring injury.
09:06I think it's playing up again.
09:07What?
09:08I said I've got a hamstring injury.
09:09I think it's...
09:10Um...
09:16No.
09:19You haven't.
09:22OK.
09:23Good.
09:31Let's go on the road, yeah?
09:35It's mental here!
09:37I thought we were just going jogging, mate.
09:40Already I've discovered this redneck turn.
09:41I've seen you hypnotised by a human baboon.
09:44I love running club!
09:46I'm gonna do everything that big-ass man says.
09:48Look!
09:49It's not that big, OK?
09:50Stop ruining running club!
09:53It's pretty big, Brian.
09:54Brian!
09:57Brian!
09:59Brian!
10:04Christ, how much of that cranberry juice have you drunk?
10:06It's really good for you.
10:07You heard, Dom?
10:08It doesn't mean you're supposed to drink it all day!
10:10Now, shut up!
10:11I'm trying to monitor my heart rate.
10:13If I drink enough of hell, I might get a big magic ass.
10:16He hasn't got a big magic ass, you idiot!
10:19I saw what he did, Brian!
10:21He cured your leg with his ass!
10:23He's like a big bum Jesus!
10:25OK.
10:26He has a method.
10:27I don't know what it is.
10:29I haven't been invited for the one-to-one yet.
10:30Ah.
10:31What's the one-to-one?
10:33Dominic...
10:35Dominic's secret is so powerful, he can only tell one man at a time.
10:40Sounds incredible.
10:42I totally understand why you're in love with him.
10:44I'm not in love with him!
10:46You are!
10:47I am!
10:48I am!
10:49I don't have time for this!
10:50I'm going for my PB!
10:51And Julia's expecting me back to do the big shop!
10:54Brian?
10:56Brian?
11:00Oh, my God!
11:03Alright, boys!
11:04You ready for a run?
11:06Oh, fuck!
11:09I wish I knew you were coming round.
11:10It's not quite ready yet.
11:11It's still a bit of a pigsty.
11:12Jo?
11:13Yes?
11:14Is your new house a tent by the road?
11:15Yes!
11:16Wicked!
11:17No.
11:18Not wicked.
11:19It is weird, mate.
11:20Says the cranberry-guzzling fuckwit.
11:22Hey, listen.
11:23I didn't have a house.
11:24Now I have a house.
11:25Winner!
11:26It's a tent, you mad bitch!
11:28We should ask Dom what to do about this.
11:30Dom wouldn't know what to do about this.
11:31No!
11:32No!
11:33We shouldn't!
11:34Dom must never see this!
11:35Hey, guys!
11:36Oh, fuck!
11:37Hi, Dom!
11:38Taking five?
11:39Just checking my pulse rate.
11:40What's with the tent?
11:41Hello.
11:42I live here.
11:43Ah, a gypo.
11:44Good luck to you.
11:45Live and let live.
11:46I don't really know her.
11:48I've had five cartons of cranberry juice, Dom.
11:50Why?
11:51So I can piss crimson like they did in Soul 88.
11:53Well, alright then.
11:55Ah!
11:56He got the tip again!
11:58Don't aim for where the dick is.
12:00Aim for where the dick is gonna be.
12:02Hey!
12:03What does that mean?
12:04I think he just...
12:05Dom, I think I've shaved five seconds off my PB.
12:07You can't beat the crimson piss, Dan.
12:09Keep it up.
12:10Dom, I have the hamstrings holding up, thanks.
12:13Glad to hear it, Ben!
12:15It's Brian!
12:16He seems really nice.
12:17He is.
12:18We should invite him to the tent for drinks.
12:19Joe, you can't live in a fucking tent!
12:20How are you gonna eat?
12:21How are you gonna eat?
12:22I'll forage!
12:23You'll forage?
12:24This is insane.
12:25You have already ruined running club, and you!
12:26Dominic now thinks I hang out with the big one from Bananarama!
12:29Brian!
12:30Why are you so stressed?
12:31And how have I ruined running club?
12:32I have totally embraced that big butt genius' way of life.
12:34Will you stop going on about his ass?!
12:35No, no, no, no!
12:36You're gonna be in a fucking tent!
12:37I was just in a fucking tent!
12:38How are you gonna eat?
12:39How are you gonna eat?
12:40I'll forage!
12:41I'll forage!
12:42You'll forage!
12:43This is insane!
12:44You have already ruined running club!
12:45And you, Dominic now thinks I hang out with the big one from Bananarama!
12:48Brian!
12:49Why are you so stressed?
12:51And how have I ruined running club?
12:53I have totally embraced that big butt genius' way of life.
12:54Will you stop going on about his arse?
12:55Someone's got himself into a tiz.
12:56Yes.
12:57Here, I've popped a cranberry.
12:59Idiot! Just stay away, you understand!
13:02Stay away from me! Stay away from Dom! He's mine! He's mine!
13:05Oh, God! He's juiced me!
13:08Brian! Why?
13:16Hey, Dan. What happened? You get juiced?
13:21Felt like you were getting somewhere.
13:22I messed up, Dom. I always do.
13:27We'll see about that.
13:29Get in.
13:31We're going to my place.
13:34I'm too hot.
13:57I'm too hot.
13:59I'm too hot.
14:00That's much better.
14:02I'm too hot.
14:05The Lord.
14:07Hello.
14:11Please don't be nervous. I'm not homosexual.
14:14Right, Dan.
14:15I used to be like you.
14:16Tall.
14:17A directionless loser.
14:19A fat dropout.
14:20A pointy-dick, saggy-jowled toss-dick.
14:23All right, mate.
14:24Let me guess.
14:26A woman, right?
14:28A woman you thought was there forever just upped and left you.
14:32Out of the blue, gone.
14:34Just like that.
14:36And you don't know why?
14:38Yes.
14:39God, you are magic.
14:40I'm not magic, my pot-bellied friend.
14:42I've just harnessed something.
14:44Something that could change your life.
14:46I can help you.
14:47I can give you what you need.
14:50But first,
14:52I have to know that you want it enough.
14:55I don't know what it is that I need.
14:59You know what it is.
15:00I have to know that you want it enough.
15:05I don't know what it is that I need.
15:08You know what it is.
15:15I honestly don't know what it is.
15:18Ultimate control.
15:22You think I don't know about my ass?
15:24Hmm?
15:25You think I don't know what people say?
15:27You think I haven't heard the calls?
15:29Silverback butt, bubble bum, big icing sugar dusted peach.
15:35The cock-and-balled Nicki Minaj.
15:48It is big.
15:49Of course I know.
15:51None of these ornaments are more than a week old.
15:54Every shit costs me 300 pounds.
15:57But I don't care.
15:59And you know why?
16:01Because I have control, Dan.
16:04It's not about looking at my behind.
16:07It's about looking within.
16:14Teach me.
16:16Teach me, you massive arse guru.
16:19Teach me, you little dinnerstreet.
16:37Yeah.
16:38Wait!
16:39Watch out then!
16:40honest.
16:41Wait!
16:42Hold on, come back here!
16:44Come back here!
16:49First of all, we center ourselves with the trigger.
16:54Look at me, Dan.
16:55When I pull the trigger finger, I have taught myself that the wild horses of my mind are tamed.
17:03Do you believe it?
17:04Yes!
17:05Then express it!
17:07Cure me with your arse!
17:08I feel the rush of control coursing through my veins, Daniel.
17:12I don't understand, Dom.
17:14Do you want to see the power of control?
17:16Yes!
17:17Then tell me your PIN number and pull your shorts down!
17:19What?
17:20Do it!
17:23What, nine, six, eight?
17:25Faith!
17:27Faith!
17:28I've been arrested.
17:42Clearly, Jo.
17:44Foraging is mental.
17:45Jo, they told me what you did.
17:47Stealing a frozen chicken from a shop can never be classified as a forage.
17:51It's a modern forage.
17:52It's not a modern forage, Jo!
17:53You stole!
17:55Don't wind me up.
17:57Just let me do the talking.
18:02Well, well.
18:03Oh, God.
18:06You.
18:07Yes, it is.
18:08It's amazing the levels of responsibility we're given, isn't it?
18:10Can I remind you, it was my friend who insulted you.
18:13I don't know what you're talking about.
18:14Now, you.
18:15Chicken theft.
18:16Very serious.
18:17I was foraging.
18:18I said, leave it to me!
18:19Shut up!
18:20Look, mate.
18:21She's a nutter.
18:22Let her go.
18:23Ryan!
18:24I'm not a nutter.
18:25I was hungry.
18:26Why are you so angry?
18:28I came as quickly as I could.
18:29What's happened?
18:30Forage nightmare, Dan.
18:32Oh.
18:33Hello, officer.
18:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:35I might have known you'd be involved in this little debacle.
18:37Now, let's process this kin theft.
18:40Theft?
18:41Jo stole a frozen chicken from the supermarket.
18:43OK.
18:47I'll handle this.
19:00I don't think we need to pursue this any more, do we, officer?
19:03I beg your pardon.
19:04I think you'll find a crime that's been committed.
19:06Oh.
19:07Hey.
19:08Hey, come on.
19:11Come on.
19:13What's your favourite memory?
19:14Oh.
19:15When they gave me the big special hat with a badge.
19:30Yeah, hat.
19:31Oh.
19:32Like a proper grownup policeman.
19:33Oh.
19:34Oh.
19:35Oh.
19:36Oh.
19:37Oh.
19:38Oh, big boy.
19:39Oh.
19:40Oh.
19:41Oh.
19:42Oh.
19:43Oh.
19:44Oh.
19:45Oh.
19:46Oh.
19:47Oh.
19:48Oh.
19:49Oh.
19:50Oh.
19:51Oh.
19:52Oh.
19:53Okay, you can get your things, but don't be involved in anything so silly again, okay?
20:01Take your trousers down. Tell me your pin number.
20:116079.
20:12Into the cells.
20:15Yeah.
20:19Oh, my God.
20:21You saw Dominic?
20:23Yeah.
20:23He gave you the one-to-one.
20:25Yes. He was right. I'm gonna be fine.
20:28You got the one-to-one.
20:30I can't fucking believe it.
20:32Brian, calm down.
20:33Oh, fuck this and fuck you!
20:39Weird.
20:41Very weird.
20:43Are you still coming back to mine for the housewarming?
20:47I've, uh...
20:48Still got a potato.
20:52I'd love to, Joe.
20:53I'm gonna get my life back on track.
20:58Yeah.
20:59Are you all right?
21:07I'm much more than all right.
21:11What?
21:12Naomi.
21:13We're gonna be okay.
21:14Dan.
21:15Sorry, I'm...
21:16I mean, I'm cured.
21:17Dan.
21:18I mean...
21:19It's gonna take me a long time to harness the power of the control, but I think I...
21:22I think I'm different.
21:24Dan.
21:25Sorry.
21:25I'm talking.
21:26I'll stop.
21:26Because I can stop whenever I like.
21:28And then I can start.
21:29And then I can stop again.
21:29I'm seeing someone.
21:35What?
21:36I've been...
21:38I'm seeing someone.
21:40Well...
21:52Well, I have shat myself, apologies, I have had an awful lot of cranberry, and I'm very
22:19tired. Hello, darling. You're in my bed again. The man is at his most vulnerable in his bed,
22:42Daniel. This is where you need a friend. You fucking nutter. You're upset. What happened?
22:53I explosively shat cranberry with one of my ex. Oh, sweetheart. Okay, get a good night's
23:00sleep. It'll all seem better in the morning. Spoons? Yep.
23:07I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny. That when a girl walks
23:25in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung. Wanna pull up
23:29tough, cause you notice that butt was stuck. Deep in the jeans she's wearing. I'm hooked
23:34and I can't stop staring. Oh, baby. I wanna get whipped-chopped and take your picture.
23:39My ho-boy's trying to warn me, but that butt you got makes... You mean he's so horny.
23:43Ooh, romp up smooth skin. You say you wanna get in my bins.
23:46my bins.
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