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00:00Music
00:22Are you bringing that girlfriend of yours to the ballroom night, Clive?
00:24Oh, Yvonne's not my girlfriend anymore, Malika.
00:27Well, Yvonne wonished you well out of it.
00:30Never liked it. Always had the fruit punch.
00:32We got engaged.
00:35The man wants to know what you nutters are up to now.
00:38We are carrying out the first ever survey
00:42into the incidence of tripping on council-owned kerbstones.
00:48Why have you blocked the pavement?
00:49Because I'm standing on it and I require a work-safe environment.
00:53Why have you blocked the road?
00:54Because we've blocked the pavement.
00:57You're nutters.
00:57A blocked pavement diverts pedestrians onto the road, thereby blocking it.
01:02We therefore need to block the road
01:05in order to prevent it being blocked by the blocked pavement
01:08which we previously blocked because I'm standing.
01:12It's all explained on our website.
01:15Have you got a partner for the ballroom night?
01:17Oh, not me, Malika.
01:19Lone wolf.
01:20Fancy free.
01:21Hello, ladies.
01:22I did try that internet dating, but quite frankly,
01:25it's ruined by people putting up unrealistic profile photos.
01:28Yeah.
01:29It's ridiculous what some people try and get away with.
01:31I know.
01:32What was I thinking?
01:32I don't look anything like George Clooney.
01:36Radio Basil Rook, you want a statement about the inconvenience.
01:39The mayor told me to give them your mobile number.
01:41And I shall be proud to share our good news with the public.
01:46South East Essex is ground zero for pavement-centric risk management.
01:52Natters.
01:54So, team health and safety, let us analyse and codify the data collected today.
02:02Urban test-trip environment results, U-T-T-E-R, on curbs, roads, avenues and pavements.
02:20So, Clive, talk utter crap to me.
02:24Well, Gerald, as you know, today we observed the curb negotiation abilities of 116 members
02:32of the pavement-perambulating community.
02:36Malika has the results, but I can't ask her for them.
02:39Why is that, Clive?
02:40Because I'm not speaking to her.
02:42She said my Yvonne hogs the punch at the ballroom night.
02:45She sucks it up like a hoover.
02:46Please, we do not bicker in our security laminates.
02:51Malika, the survey.
02:55We've designated four levels of curb negotiation, Gerald.
03:00Perambulation without incident, momentary hesitation, slight stumble,
03:06and the highest level of curb-induced trauma, Trip.
03:11Good.
03:11Let us quantify the curb negotiation levels numerically.
03:18Trip being the highest level will, of course, be level four.
03:24Trip should be level one.
03:25Malika, please.
03:26Because one is high.
03:27I think even the most basic acquaintance with the Arabic decimal system
03:33will tell us that four is a higher number than one.
03:37One is always highest.
03:40One is a far more important number than four.
03:42That's right, Gerald.
03:43When my Yvonne says to me,
03:45Oh, Clive, you are a one,
03:46she never says,
03:47Oh, you are a four.
03:50I thought you weren't talking to Malika.
03:53I'm not talking to Malika.
03:54I'm talking to you about what Malika said.
03:56And the reason why you're angry, Clive,
03:59is because you love your Yvonne, don't you?
04:00Yes.
04:01I'll say that to anyone.
04:02I love my Yvonne.
04:04She's the one.
04:04She is the one.
04:05Not the four.
04:06No, not the four.
04:07Team, please.
04:10This is my scale,
04:12and the highest level will be level four.
04:15So, Clive,
04:17results of today's survey.
04:21Figures, please,
04:22for the maximum level of curb-induced trauma,
04:25the incidence of trips.
04:27Zero.
04:27Thank you, Clive.
04:28Zero.
04:30No trips.
04:31Stumbles.
04:32Zero.
04:34Momentary hesitation.
04:36Zero.
04:36And perambulation without incident.
04:41One hundred and sixteen.
04:44So,
04:46out of a hundred and sixteen members
04:48of the pavement perambulating community surveyed,
04:53one hundred and sixteen
04:55perambulated without incident.
04:59So,
04:59what does this tell us?
05:01That the pavement perambulating community
05:03can perambulate a pavement.
05:04Hello.
05:05I won't get to say that,
05:06my closing time.
05:07No, no, Bernard,
05:09it shows us that our campaign of curb awareness
05:12is working,
05:14but we mustn't be complacent.
05:16As long as pavements continue to be edged
05:20with small precipices,
05:22the risk of tripping remains.
05:25We will continue to talk utter crap tomorrow.
05:34One, two,
05:35one, two,
05:36oh,
05:37you're getting worse, love.
05:38You had this right last week.
05:40I'm sorry, Mum.
05:41I'm just stressed about this work tribunal.
05:44Well,
05:44you can't go giving up like that on big ballroom night.
05:47Your dad would be mortified.
05:49Well,
05:49come round and help us practise.
05:51Oh, my God.
05:52I swear,
05:53that cab driver totally took me via Cornwall.
05:55I swear,
05:56I'm a better driver than him
05:57and I've failed my test four times.
06:00Once for reversing into my examiner.
06:03Well,
06:03I hope you didn't give him a tip, Vic.
06:05I gave him three.
06:06Clean your seat covers,
06:07get a sat nav
06:08and gargle some Listerine.
06:10Ooh,
06:10his face.
06:12I'm the Bangalang girl
06:13shanking him up
06:13with my witty riposte.
06:15You shouldn't have been in a cab at all.
06:17We're supposed to be economising.
06:19You should have been on a bus.
06:20I couldn't see.
06:21Too shaken.
06:23Terrible incident in town.
06:25Nightmare.
06:25Seriously,
06:26I'm actually serious.
06:27What happened, babes?
06:28Well,
06:29I was an Oxfam
06:30trying to find you a dress
06:31for when you dance with your dad
06:32at the ballroom night
06:33and then suddenly,
06:35almost by magic,
06:37I was an M&S
06:38food.
06:40Vic,
06:40you know you can't go in there.
06:42You're just not strong enough.
06:43I thought I could handle it.
06:44I thought I could just
06:45pop in there,
06:46have a little puff,
06:48maybe pick up a small
06:49plastic box of orange segments.
06:51But I got sucked
06:52into the vortex of desire.
06:54I couldn't move.
06:55I couldn't breathe.
06:56I just wanted everything.
06:59And the only way out
07:00was via the booze and crisps.
07:03Brilliant.
07:05Do you want a drink, ma'am?
07:06Oh, sorry, love.
07:07My body is a temple.
07:09I'm meeting Kyle
07:10at the gym later.
07:11All right, then.
07:11We'll see you later, then.
07:13Oh, look,
07:14if you're really worried
07:15about this dancing with Dad,
07:16I will come round
07:18and help you
07:19tomorrow night.
07:20Wow.
07:21Just you two and Gerald.
07:22Won't that be
07:23really, really weird?
07:23Evening, girls.
07:31I am gagging
07:32for a Horlicks.
07:33Long day.
07:35As ever, Sue,
07:36but a privilege to serve.
07:39You know,
07:39sometimes I think
07:41a health and safety officer
07:42would make a good superhero.
07:45Batman,
07:46Spider-Man,
07:48Councilman.
07:49I mean,
07:51it's all very well
07:53these Kate Crusaders
07:54swinging about
07:56protecting the public
07:57from danger,
07:58but wouldn't it be
07:59even more exciting
08:01if the danger
08:02had been prevented
08:04in the first place?
08:06Still crave a bit of recognition,
08:08don't you, Dad?
08:09Not for me own sake, Susan,
08:11for the team
08:12and for the cause.
08:15Actually,
08:15as it happens,
08:17it seems the media
08:18is finally taking notice
08:19of our efforts.
08:21Radio Basil Ricky
08:22want me to do
08:23a telephone interview
08:25for their breakfast show.
08:26Listen up now,
08:27this be DJ Jiggy Gerald
08:28coming at you
08:29with some fierce
08:30chatty-chatty.
08:31From the health and safety
08:32for the U-turn stop.
08:33Boom!
08:34Boom!
08:35That's right, girls.
08:36It would be nice
08:37to put my side
08:38of the story for once.
08:40Dad,
08:41this is another letter
08:42from the NHS Trust.
08:43Haven't you booked
08:44your prostate test yet?
08:45I'll get round to it.
08:47You're not scared,
08:48are you?
08:48Oh, don't be ridiculous.
08:50I shall face it
08:51like a man.
08:52I don't think you can
08:52face a prostate test, Dad.
08:55You have to sort
08:56her back into them.
08:57Bring them now.
08:58The lines are open
08:5924-7.
09:00Right, I'm going
09:00to do it for you.
09:02Come on.
09:04It's important
09:04at your age.
09:07Just makes me
09:08feel a bit old,
09:09that's all.
09:10These are the milestones
09:12in a man's life.
09:14Your first pair
09:15of long trousers,
09:17first drink,
09:18first car,
09:19first finger
09:20up the sphincter.
09:22Well,
09:23I'd rather have
09:24my bum probe
09:25than what I've got to face.
09:26They've set the date
09:27for my tribunal.
09:28You really think
09:29you'll have to pay
09:30compensation?
09:31If he was injured
09:32working for me,
09:33then it's only right.
09:34You know I'll be there
09:36to support you
09:36always, don't you?
09:38Well, you might
09:39not need to, Dad.
09:40Vic's got her first
09:41DJ gig, remember?
09:42We might be rich soon.
09:44I might be a catch woman,
09:45yeah?
09:46No, Susan,
09:47you'll always work.
09:49Not if we ever
09:49had kids.
09:51Perfectly possible
09:52these days.
09:53Best pub game ever.
09:54Choose your dream donor.
09:56I'm from Russell Brand,
09:57Ryan Gosling,
09:58or Johnny Dapp.
09:58I want Ed Miliband.
10:02Anyway,
10:03if I do go bankrupt,
10:04then at least
10:04I've got time
10:05to practice
10:06our dance stat,
10:07which actually
10:08I wanted to talk
10:09to you about.
10:10Why don't we go
10:10through and sit soft?
10:12I can't, Susan.
10:13I'm on hold.
10:14Oh, my God.
10:15You're using a landline.
10:17You're, like,
10:18totally tethered
10:19to the wall,
10:20exclamation mark.
10:21Like a horse.
10:23I do have a mobile,
10:26but the jury
10:26is still out
10:27on the harmful effects
10:29of constant use.
10:31Of course,
10:31your generation
10:32would think
10:33a brain tumour
10:34a small price
10:35to pay
10:35for the ability
10:36to say,
10:36oh, my God,
10:37over and over again
10:39while walking
10:40down the high street.
10:42No.
10:43A wired landline
10:45with a decent length
10:46of flex
10:47combines adequate mobility
10:49with an easily
10:51locatable receiver.
10:52It ain't broke,
10:54so don't fix it.
10:55I could totally
10:56not live
10:56without my smartphone.
10:57Do you know
10:58what I would like,
10:59Victoria?
11:00A smartphone
11:01that was smart enough
11:02to get the business
11:03or service
11:04you're trying to contact
11:05to actually answer
11:06the flipping thing.
11:07That's what phones
11:08are for.
11:09Not to tweet
11:10or twat.
11:11or play angry bird
11:17black ops,
11:18but to facilitate
11:20communication.
11:22And that's the one
11:23thing that phones
11:24don't do anymore
11:25because the entire world
11:27is now stuck on hold.
11:29Look,
11:30if you want to stay
11:31on the line,
11:32there's an extension
11:32in the lounge room.
11:33Just run through
11:34and pick it up in there.
11:35No, Susan,
11:37first rule
11:38of the phone queue,
11:39never move.
11:42Don't eat,
11:43don't sleep,
11:44don't answer
11:45a call of nature.
11:46They wait,
11:47you see,
11:49lurking
11:50in their call centres
11:52in New Delhi
11:55and County Kildare.
11:57and when they hear
11:59you put the phone
12:00down even
12:01for a second,
12:02they pounce.
12:03I'll make a glass
12:04with you then.
12:05Thank you,
12:06Susan.
12:08I'm totes worried
12:09about something too,
12:09Sue.
12:10Like,
12:10totally.
12:11What's that,
12:12babes?
12:13I took an embarrassing
12:14selfie.
12:15An embarrassing,
12:16rudy selfie.
12:17How rude?
12:18Well,
12:19my,
12:19ahem,
12:21fan noir.
12:22Vic,
12:23you're not 16.
12:24Delete it.
12:25I can't,
12:26it's out there.
12:26I tried to send it
12:27to you, Sue,
12:28and I accidentally
12:29sent it to
12:30Suki.
12:31Your ex?
12:32Yeah,
12:33I knew I should
12:33never go out
12:34with someone
12:34with a similar name.
12:35I'm just not
12:35focused enough.
12:37Tell her to delete it.
12:38I tried,
12:39but her new girlfriend
12:40saw it and uploaded it.
12:41No.
12:42Yes,
12:43she's uploaded
12:43my fan noir,
12:44which I think
12:45is harassment.
12:46And now she's
12:47put it on her Facebook.
12:48Well,
12:48have you poked her?
12:49Of course,
12:50I've poked her
12:51and I've poked her
12:52and I've written
12:53messages on her wall
12:54saying,
12:54get my fan noir
12:55off your Facebook,
12:56you scant.
12:57Look,
12:57Vic,
12:58now everybody's
12:58going to know
12:59that it's yours.
13:00Yeah,
13:00I know.
13:01And now,
13:02I think it's gone viral.
13:04It never...
13:05Yes,
13:06I have a viral fan noir.
13:08And it's out there.
13:10Just in case you're wondering,
13:11they do know I'm waiting,
13:13which is a comfort of sorts.
13:14It makes the long hours
13:16listening to Copacabana
13:18so much more pleasant.
13:19Do you think
13:20it's unreasonable
13:21to ask
13:21if they do know
13:22I'm waiting,
13:23why don't they
13:24answer the flipping phone?
13:27Bit more wine,
13:28Dad.
13:28Thank you,
13:29Susan,
13:30I will.
13:31Oh,
13:31for the purposes
13:32of security and training,
13:34me call may be recorded.
13:36Security?
13:36I'm trying to book
13:38a rectal probe.
13:41I don't care
13:43who knows.
13:44Tell the world.
13:45Just answer
13:46the flipping phone.
13:48Look,
13:54Bernard,
13:55I'll be frank.
13:56Since my husband died,
13:57which I had nothing
13:58to do with,
13:58by the way,
13:59despite what was said
13:59at the time,
14:00I'll get this out to myself
14:01and I need a party
14:02for the ballroom night.
14:03Oh,
14:04wow.
14:04Oh,
14:05chuffed.
14:06Just a bit.
14:07He takes a major
14:07coif of beer
14:08to recover composure.
14:10Oh,
14:11oh.
14:12Oh.
14:14Fresh pint.
14:15Forgot.
14:15Picked it up
14:16like it was an
14:16almost empty one.
14:17beer-flavoured
14:20T-shirt.
14:21Won't want to
14:22sleep in that
14:22tonight.
14:24So,
14:25I broke the
14:26ballroom night.
14:27Hello,
14:27here we go.
14:28I need a partner.
14:29For those
14:29about to rock.
14:30So,
14:30do you know
14:31anyone then?
14:31I would be
14:32deli-
14:32What?
14:32You didn't think
14:33I meant you,
14:34did you?
14:34No.
14:35I'm not being
14:35cruel,
14:35Bernard,
14:36but that's
14:36just sad.
14:38Dad,
14:39I wanted to
14:39have a word
14:40with you
14:40about the
14:40ballroom night.
14:41I've asked
14:42Mum to come
14:42around and
14:43rehearse us.
14:44You won't
14:44find that weird.
14:45Not now,
14:46Susan,
14:46I'm through.
14:48No,
14:48not through.
14:49Menu options,
14:50got to focus.
14:51This is where
14:51it can all go
14:52so wrong.
14:54If me inquiry
14:55is regarding
14:55an appointment,
14:57press one.
14:58Good,
14:58can do.
14:58Press one.
15:00And,
15:01more options.
15:03If it's
15:04for an existing
15:05appointment,
15:05press one.
15:06For a new
15:07appointment,
15:08press two.
15:08They wrote
15:09to me about it.
15:10Does that make
15:10it existing or
15:11new?
15:12Press no.
15:13Was new one
15:14or two?
15:14Press one.
15:15Press one?
15:15I mean either.
15:16Press either.
15:17But which
15:18one?
15:18Come on,
15:19they'll time
15:20me out.
15:20Either?
15:21Just press
15:21one.
15:22Right,
15:22I'll press
15:22one.
15:23Two.
15:25Made it
15:26in time,
15:27still in the
15:27game.
15:28Right.
15:29They want
15:30me to key
15:31in me NHS
15:32number.
15:33It'll be on
15:33the letter.
15:34Of course,
15:34yeah.
15:35No,
15:36it's over
15:36here.
15:37Watch out.
15:38No,
15:39it's not.
15:40It's over
15:40here.
15:42Doesn't
15:43matter.
15:44Dad,
15:45I found
15:45it.
15:45It's over
15:45here.
15:46I'll be
15:46wait.
15:48It's my
15:48smear test,
15:49sorry.
15:50I know.
15:51I'll get
15:51me NHS
15:52card.
15:52Where is
15:52it?
15:52I think
15:53it's on
15:53the Bureau.
15:54Right,
15:54you should
15:55be able
15:55to get...
15:56Any more
15:56wine going?
15:57No.
15:59I'm a
15:59kid.
16:00Oh,
16:00I'm a
16:00kid.
16:00Oh,
16:01sorry.
16:03Oh,
16:04it's not
16:05the phone.
16:05Mine,
16:06the water.
16:08Give me
16:08the letter.
16:10You
16:11hold
16:11this.
16:13Come on.
16:13With
16:14me,
16:15Victoria.
16:16With
16:17me,
16:17Victoria.
16:18Oh,
16:18God.
16:19Come
16:20on.
16:24Keying
16:25in
16:25the
16:26number.
16:27Are
16:28we
16:28still
16:28connected?
16:29Yes.
16:29We
16:30saw them.
16:30We're
16:30in
16:30another
16:31queue.
16:31Still
16:32in
16:32the
16:32game.
16:35Well,
16:35I can
16:36see
16:36some
16:37clear
16:37advantages
16:38for
16:38the
16:38mobile
16:39over
16:39the
16:39landline.
16:42I
16:43thought
16:43you
16:43don't
16:43mind
16:43me
16:44helping
16:44out
16:44with
16:44Gerald
16:45and
16:45Sue's
16:45dance
16:45rehearsal,
16:46Kyle.
16:46Not
16:47a
16:47problem
16:47for
16:47me,
16:47babe.
16:48It's
16:48just
16:48that
16:48the
16:48boring
16:49nights
16:49always
16:49meant
16:49a lot
16:50to
16:50Gerald.
16:51Why
16:51would
16:51I
16:51care?
16:52I
16:52don't
16:53know.
16:53What's
16:53that
16:53crutch
16:54doing
16:54here?
16:55In
16:55a
16:55gym?
16:56Not
16:56a
16:57good
16:57look.
16:57It's
16:57not
16:57yours
16:58at
16:58life.
16:59No?
17:00Kidding!
17:02Vic,
17:02stop it!
17:03It's
17:03late!
17:04Oh,
17:04my
17:04good!
17:04Someone
17:05set up
17:05a
17:05fan
17:05page
17:06now!
17:07A
17:07fan
17:07page?
17:08For
17:08a
17:08fan
17:09long!
17:09I
17:10don't
17:10want
17:10to
17:10hear
17:10about
17:11it.
17:11It's
17:11already
17:12got
17:1280,000
17:13friends.
17:14It's
17:14a
17:14star!
17:16Boom!
17:16That's
17:17right!
17:17Rinse
17:17out!
17:18Bang
17:18along!
17:18My
17:18poor
17:18nunny
17:19be
17:19the
17:19next
17:19big
17:19ting!
17:20Vic,
17:21it's
17:21absolutely
17:22nothing
17:22to be
17:22proud
17:23of.
17:23You're
17:24just
17:24jealous
17:24because
17:25no
17:25one's
17:25following
17:25yours.
17:30I'm
17:31here!
17:39My
17:39legs
17:40go
17:40to
17:41sleep!
17:41Don't
17:41go
17:42away!
17:44Hello?
17:45Self-struck
17:46appointment.
17:46This
17:47is
17:47Julie.
17:47Yeah,
17:48Julie!
17:49Up
17:49here!
17:50At least!
17:52Don't
17:52hang
17:53up!
18:04So,
18:05Bernard,
18:05have you
18:06asked her
18:06home to
18:06see if
18:07you know
18:07any
18:07dancers?
18:07It's
18:07not
18:08been
18:08my
18:08crowd,
18:09if
18:09I'm
18:09honest,
18:09Malick.
18:09I
18:10need
18:10a
18:10dance
18:10partner.
18:11Well,
18:11you only
18:11dance
18:11with
18:11a
18:12mayor
18:12once
18:12a
18:12year.
18:13Haven't
18:13you
18:13got
18:13a
18:13regular
18:13partner?
18:14Well,
18:14I
18:14did,
18:15but
18:15he
18:15died.
18:16Oh,
18:16you
18:16mean
18:16your
18:16hubby?
18:17No,
18:17not him.
18:18So,
18:19your husband
18:20died and
18:21your dance
18:21partner died.
18:23Can't say I miss
18:24either of them.
18:27Morning,
18:28team health and
18:29safety,
18:30well done,
18:31carry on.
18:32So,
18:34utter crap.
18:36Clive,
18:37speak to me.
18:38Well,
18:38Gerald,
18:38we've been looking
18:39into painting warning
18:40signs on the pavements.
18:42Caution,
18:43trip hazard.
18:44Good,
18:44good.
18:44I've knocked
18:45together a bit
18:45of a prototype.
18:50Well done,
18:51Bernard.
18:52That looks
18:52brilliant.
18:53It's pretty
18:53heavy,
18:54of course.
18:55Oh,
18:56whoa.
18:57Oh,
18:57I don't think
18:58I can hold it.
18:59Ah!
19:03Don't worry,
19:04it's made out of
19:05polystyrene.
19:06We did Jack and the
19:07Beanstalk for last
19:08year's pub panto.
19:09That's a bit of the
19:10ogre's castle.
19:11I don't think
19:11that was very funny.
19:13But I must say,
19:15it does look
19:16very smart.
19:18It's also
19:18very discriminatory.
19:21We have a statutory
19:22obligation to make
19:23any signage
19:23accessible to the
19:25site challenge
19:25community.
19:26Malika's right.
19:27We'll have to put
19:28the warning on
19:29in braille.
19:31Surely,
19:31Gerald,
19:32if we put a braille
19:33version on the curb,
19:34then the site challenge
19:35community will have
19:36to trip over the curb
19:38in order to be aware
19:39of the warning not
19:40to trip over the curb.
19:41Very true,
19:42Clive.
19:42We'll need to erect
19:43stand-alone braille
19:45versions at waist
19:47height.
19:48But then won't we
19:49have to erect a bump
19:50warning, warning people
19:51about not bumping
19:52into the trip warning?
19:53But then we'll need
19:54another bump warning
19:54about the first bump
19:55warning, and then
19:56another and another.
19:57The whole world will
19:58be covered in warning
19:59signs.
20:00It's a beautiful
20:01dream, Clive.
20:03But we haven't even
20:04started looking at the
20:05statutory language
20:06requirements.
20:06You're absolutely
20:07right.
20:08Basil Ricky embraces
20:09inclusion and diversity.
20:11Besides English and
20:12braille, any trip
20:13warning will also
20:14have to be offered
20:15in Bengali, Punjabi,
20:17Udu, Somali, Igbo,
20:19Polish, Swahili,
20:20Farsi, Yoruba and
20:22Albanian.
20:23Right.
20:24Bernard, can you get
20:26hold of any more
20:26of the ogre's castle?
20:30Well, this is nice,
20:31isn't it?
20:32Yes, lovely.
20:33All of us together?
20:34Yes, for a dance
20:36rehearsal.
20:37Oh, yes, absolutely,
20:39for a dance rehearsal.
20:40Right.
20:41Well, if we're going to
20:42beat the mayor, we'd
20:43better get on with it.
20:44I haven't got long.
20:45I'm taking Kyle out to
20:46dinner.
20:46You're paying, of course.
20:48Yes, Sue.
20:49Is that a problem for
20:50you?
20:51In the 21st century?
20:53Boom, your face, Sue.
20:55Right.
20:55Anyway, here we go.
20:57And one, two, three.
21:03One, two, three.
21:04Glide, Sue.
21:06You have to melt into
21:08your movements.
21:09Oh, look.
21:10Your elbow is all locked.
21:12Your body's all stiff.
21:14Oh, for heaven's sake.
21:15Let me show you.
21:17You have to connect with
21:20one another, trust each
21:23other, become a part of
21:25one another, become as one.
21:30I'm sorry, Sue.
21:34I really thought I had
21:35time for this, but I really
21:36think I must rush.
21:37Mum.
21:38This wasn't a good idea.
21:39Bye, girls.
21:41Bye, Gerald.
21:45Is it just me, or was there
21:46a bit of a moment there?
21:51I've been in a queue since
21:536am.
21:55I'm going to have to give
21:56up again, or I'll be late
21:58for work.
21:58Who'd have thought
22:00getting your prostate
22:01check would take so much
22:02effort?
22:03You look nice, Susan.
22:05Big day, eh?
22:07Whatever happens, I am
22:09incredibly proud of you.
22:14Feet, Victoria.
22:1799,999.
22:19And boom, 100,000 likes.
22:24Oh, yeah.
22:25Come on.
22:26Do the big part.
22:27Do the big part.
22:27Do the big.
22:28You're disgusting.
22:30Uh, 100,000 likes,
22:31girlfriend?
22:32Do people be thumbing up
22:33my fan world?
22:35Mick, will you shut up
22:37about your viral what's-it?
22:38I could be bankrupt by
22:39lunchtime.
22:41I'll get it.
22:48Sue, your mum's boyfriend's
22:49here.
22:49What?
22:50The K-man is in the house.
22:52Is mum with you?
22:53No, babes, just me and this
22:55guy I'm training, whom you
22:56should meet.
22:57Guy?
22:58Yeah.
22:58I told him I knew a sizzling
23:00hot chick who doesn't have a
23:01boyfriend.
23:02Get out, Carl.
23:03Mum might like you, but I
23:05don't.
23:05Just meet the guy, yeah?
23:07Trust me.
23:09You won't regret it.
23:10Hey, Gazza, there's a chick
23:12here who'd be really happy to
23:13meet you.
23:13The Gazmeister is in the
23:15house.
23:17Gary!
23:18This is the bloke that's
23:19taken me to the tribunal
23:21today.
23:21The bloke who's claiming
23:22disability because he can
23:24hardly walk.
23:24But can do 10K on a
23:26tready in under 50.
23:28Your mum told me about
23:30your tribunal, Sue, and
23:31when I saw this guy down the
23:33gym with his crutch, I
23:34thought I'd dig a little
23:35deeper.
23:36It's a lie.
23:37I'm injured.
23:38I've got a letter.
23:39And I've got footage.
23:41Treadmill, cross-trainer,
23:42multi-gym, all recorded
23:45and dated.
23:46That's a picture of a...
23:48Oh, yeah.
23:49Sorry, it's my new
23:50screensaver.
23:51Just downloaded it.
23:55Nice selfie, did you?
23:57Thanks.
23:57Give me that!
23:58Come on, car!
24:00In your dreams, mate, I'm a
24:01black belt in Jun-Fan-Jit-Kun-Do!
24:06You've been warned.
24:07Now, rack off.
24:09Come on, car!
24:12Quite hot.
24:15You know, I almost would, if
24:17very drunk.
24:24So, team health and safety,
24:27this prototype represents the
24:30smallest a kerb stone can be
24:32and still feature the trip
24:35warning in all the required
24:36languages?
24:37Yes, Gerald.
24:38Each kerb will need to be as big
24:39as the wall on an ogre's castle.
24:42We've worked out the cost of
24:43replacing all the kerbs within the
24:45city limits with multilingual,
24:47culturally inclusive, kerb-safe kerbs,
24:50and it's £137 million.
24:53Safety has a price, Manneka.
24:55Because the papers will now have to be
24:58so wide, there'll be no room for any
25:00actual road between them.
25:02We'll have to widen the roads.
25:04Which means demolishing all the
25:06houses and the shops on either side.
25:08Basically, we'll have to rebuild
25:10Basil Ricky from scratch.
25:11At a guesstimated cost of between
25:13£10 and £50 billion.
25:15Well, we may have to think again.
25:23Thanks, Kyle.
25:24I owe you big time.
25:26But, you still hate me, right?
25:28Awkward.
25:30Alright, I'll be honest.
25:31I think you're in it for what you can get,
25:33giving my mum financial advice.
25:35Yeah, I gave your mum some advice, babes.
25:37I told her to lock 90% of her
25:39settlement away in either a pension
25:41fund or property.
25:42Oh.
25:43As to the rest, I said
25:45maybe after 20 years
25:47of being a wife, mother
25:48and dental nurse,
25:49you should take time out.
25:50Have a little fun.
25:52Is that a problem for you, Sue?
25:54Your mum having fun?
25:56Boo!
25:57Your face, Sue.
25:58You've been getting rinsed out today.
26:01By the K-man.
26:02By the K-man.
26:08You're up early, Dad.
26:10I've been up all night.
26:12Still trying to get through to the prostate line.
26:15You're still in a queue.
26:17Yes.
26:18Drawn ever further into the Kafka-like
26:22labyrinth of increasingly complex
26:26and confusing menu options.
26:28key in your customer code,
26:31your postal code,
26:33your credit card number,
26:35your dog's licence number,
26:38your mother-in-law's maiden name,
26:40your dog's maiden name.
26:43If you have any hope of being answered in this lifetime or the next,
26:48key in the Da Vinci code,
26:51followed by the hash button.
26:53And I'm going to have to hang up again because I've got to get to work.
26:58You know you can have your calls diverted to your mobile.
27:00I'll ring BT and set it up.
27:02I had no idea.
27:04That would be great.
27:06Guess what?
27:07I lost my DJ gig.
27:09Babes, what happened?
27:10It was my Rudy selfie.
27:12Those mean girls from when I was at school
27:13made it the profile photo on my website.
27:16They're calling me DJ Vajayjay.
27:20Which is actually quite a cool name,
27:21but now the youth club have cancelled me
27:23because they don't think I'm appropriate for an all-ages crowd.
27:26DJ Vajayjay?
27:28Am I missing something here?
27:33This is a historic day, Team Health and Safety.
27:37With this single prototype section of safety barrier,
27:42we begin the massive task of fencing every pavement in Basil, Ricky,
27:48so that one day no child will live in fear of tripping.
27:55Blimey.
27:57At flipping last.
27:59Excuse me, I have to take this.
28:01Hello?
28:02Yes, this is he.
28:04I'm amazed you remember me it's been so long.
28:07One question before we start, if I may.
28:10Just how hard is it to have your rectum probed in South East Essence?
28:16Sue, Sue, my mum's just texted me.
28:18Gerald's on the radio.
28:21Don't get me wrong.
28:23I'm perfectly happy to have a total stranger
28:27stick an exploratory digit up where the sun doesn't shine.
28:31It's having to wait that bothers me.
28:34Ha, ha, yeah.
28:35We've been talking to Council Health and Safety Officer Gerald Wright.
28:39Here on Radio Battle Breaking.
28:43Don't get me stumped.
28:51You decide on the comedy now, live at the Apollo.
28:55Here on BBC One, has Rob Brydon hosting,
28:57while BBC Three is into a Family Guy double bill.
29:00Music.
29:13Music.
29:14Music.
29:14Music.
29:15Music.
29:18Music.