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00:00Rooksby, you're rising down. VTR 2721, part two, take one.
00:30And here he is, the man police have dubbed, videotaped copies of, Shul Karubaydi!
00:55What are you doing? What are you doing?
01:00Thank you. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you very much.
01:13Fantastic. Good evening, Earthlings, and welcome.
01:16You know, most people are unaware, but what can I do about that?
01:21Sorry, went off on a tangent then.
01:23Everybody enjoy Last Weekend?
01:25Yes!
01:26They're lying, this was pre-recorded months ago.
01:28Well, yesterday afternoon I was reading highlighted excerpts from the Herald Sun, provided by my researchers,
01:34when I came across an orange bit that really caught my eye.
01:37Fourteen-year-old schoolgirl Sarah Toysner had written an open letter to the Prime Minister Mr John Howard in her school magazine.
01:43So moved was Mr Howard by Sarah's letter that he's promised to address her concerns at the appropriate time.
01:49And, er, I think that's great.
01:53Please welcome Sarah Toysner.
01:55Sarah, welcome to the show.
02:04Thank you very much, Mr McAuliffe.
02:06Sarah, just 14 years of age, yet you feel you can communicate with the Prime Minister on equal footing.
02:11Arrogance on your part, or an accurate assessment of his intellect?
02:15Um, I think we have a duty as Australians to stand up for our thoughts and speak our minds.
02:21Ooh!
02:23I think we have a future Amanda Vanstone on our hands here.
02:27Too bad we have the present one.
02:29Now, er, Sarah, you're going to read your letter out for us tonight, is that right?
02:32Yes.
02:33Fantastic.
02:34Alright, well, er, without further ado, away you go, dear.
02:36Er, you know, give her a good hand, everybody, ladies and gentlemen.
02:38Sarah Toysner.
02:39Dear Mr Howard, I believe you are doing a wonderful job governing this great country of ours.
02:51All of us, as Australians, belong under the one flag, with the one multicultural voice.
02:58We live in a beautiful land, full of rich rewards.
03:02From Uluru to Rinella, we are, as one, sharing a common bond that is the spirit of Australia.
03:09But let us not forget that part of our vision for the future of this great country of ours
03:15are the dreams of the children.
03:17We, all of us, as the youth of Australia, have a voice that must be heard by all Australians
03:23across this great brown land of ours.
03:26So, Mr Howard, when you make your decisions about our forests, and our mines, and our future,
03:37remember that we, the youth of Australia, are the future.
03:42Advance Australia Fair.
03:45Well done. Sarah Toys, everybody.
03:49Good on.
03:50Good on.
03:51Good on.
04:01Well done, Noddy.
04:02Old man's gonna love this, mate.
04:04Don't in yet, have you?
04:05Not at his way.
04:06Pretty sure.
04:07Not at his way.
04:08Good on.
04:09Matt,表.
04:10Well done, Noddy.
04:13Not at his way.
04:14Oh, man's gonna love this, mate.
04:16Don't him yet, have you?
04:17Not at his way.
04:19For now.
04:20Pretty straightforward, Peter. Small-caliber handgun, two bullets to make of a hand.
04:25Yeah, righto, safe drive home, eh?
04:27See you.
04:31Shit.
04:46What the hell happened?
04:48I was taking a piss, so I wasn't going more than 30 seconds.
04:50Oh, brilliant.
04:52So what was I supposed to do?
04:54This is two years' work down the toilet.
04:58So what about Ekerman? Have we heard anything?
05:01Yeah, we're, uh, we're gonna bring him in, boss.
05:09Look, I know it looks bad, but I had nothing to do with it, alright?
05:12I did come down in the last shower, Ekerman.
05:22No, alright. I was at the casino, alright?
05:25Anyone down there will tell you I was at the casino, alright?
05:28Jesus!
05:36Detective Inspector.
05:38I want to see my lawyer.
05:40Outside, please.
05:42I know my rights. I am entitled to see a lawyer.
05:46Sit here.
05:48I know what you're gonna say.
05:50Shut up, Frank.
05:52I know what you're doing.
05:54You've got a dead witness, you've got no case, and you're probably on an assault charge.
05:58If we can get him to spill out his guts, we're home free.
06:02You've got eight weeks before retirement.
06:05Don't put it at risk.
06:07I'm not going to retire.
06:08I've been a cop for 35 years.
06:09I don't know anything else.
06:11Frank!
06:12Look at yourself.
06:13You're a wreck.
06:14You had heart surgery last year.
06:16Take your package and go.
06:17Take your grandchildren gargling or something.
06:19I don't know.
06:21And if I don't?
06:23I'll make the decision for you.
06:28Lee Ng is Frank McTavish.
06:33Coming soon to your ABC.
06:36APPLAUSE
06:58Claude Beelay there, and he'll be appearing at the Central District Criminal Court,
07:03on Thursday, 8 and 4.
07:04APPLAUSE
07:05Claude Beelay there, and he'll be appearing at the Central District Criminal Court, on Thursday, 8 and 4.
07:18APPLAUSE
07:20Claude Beelay there, and he'll be appearing at the Central District Criminal Court, on Thursday, 8 and 4.
07:30When leading horse trainer Harry Tarrant called me a couple of weeks ago and suggested coming on the show, I told him to piss off.
07:41I love horse racing and had never heard of him.
07:43Instead, I'm joined by Dr Geoff O'Flynn, sociologist and visiting fellow in Humanities at Marhunt University,
07:49who believes the age of consent should be raised to 54.
07:52It's controversial stuff, Geoff.
07:54Well, yes it is, Sean, but I should just clarify that it's only the men's age of consent that I'm proposing be raised.
08:01The women's age of consent would remain at 18.
08:03OK, so that would mean that all women over the age of 18 could only have sex with 54-year-old men.
08:09Well, yes, I suppose it does.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:13Geoff, how old are you?
08:1554 come Tuesday.
08:17LAUGHTER
08:18Happy birthday.
08:19You betcha.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22So right now, it's time to do something incredibly mawkish.
08:25MUSIC
08:34My next guests are very special.
08:36They are identical twins, yet they have never met each other.
08:39Living on opposite sides of the globe for most of their lives, they didn't even know of each other's existence until the McAuliffe program contacted them a week ago.
08:46Ladies and gentlemen, Jack and Michael Bartram and Susan and Philippa Shaw.
08:51APPLAUSE
08:53Good night, just outside the gates.
09:10Justin here.
09:12Good.
09:13Stop, thank you.
09:14Hi, how are you? Can I take your order, please?
09:16Yes, I have a quarter-pinder, a Coke...
09:19What do you want to go?
09:20Six McNuggets.
09:22Six McNuggets.
09:23Any sauce with that?
09:24Do you want any sauce with that?
09:25What sort do they have?
09:27What range of sauces do you have available, I'm sorry?
09:30Barbecue, tomatoes, sweet and sour.
09:32Sweet and sour.
09:33Sweet and sour.
09:34Sweet and sour.
09:35And a large fries.
09:36And large fries.
09:37That'd be £8.50 if you'd just like to drive through to the next window.
09:41Certainly.
09:42Do you have any money?
09:43LAUGHTER
09:44All right, all right!
09:48Hi, how are you today?
09:50I'm very well, thank you.
09:51Look, with respect to the Coke, she wants it in one of those mermaid cups.
09:55She's seen it on the television or something.
09:57Oh, I'm sorry, that was last month's promotion.
09:59Well, that was last month's promotion.
10:01Come on!
10:02Yes, all right, I'm proceeding as rapidly as I f***ing can.
10:05Only got two hands.
10:07I'm sorry, I don't have any money.
10:08Quick drive on!
10:10Time for the wheel segment now and this week, my special guest co-presenter on the wheel is the head of paediatrics at the Royal Children's Hospital, Dr Philip McIntyre. Welcome.
10:25How are you today?
10:26Very well, thank you.
10:29Good.
10:30And our studio contestant, and please give him a hand, oh, it's another Philip, it's Phil Davey.
10:35APPLAUSE
10:37G'day.
10:39G'day.
10:40G'day.
10:41G'day.
10:42G'day.
10:43G'day.
10:44G'day.
10:45And what do you do for a crust?
10:46Uh, home duties.
10:47Ah.
10:48Oh, nothing wrong with that.
10:49Yep, looking after the kids and that.
10:51Yep.
10:52How many, uh, how many kids you got there, Phil?
10:54Uh, four.
10:55That's quite a handful.
10:56Oh, yeah, sure is.
10:58Oh, yeah, yeah.
10:59Too right.
11:00Uh, so the wife, uh, out working, is she?
11:03Uh, uh, we're separated, so, um...
11:05Right.
11:06That's a pity.
11:08So, two Phil's!
11:09And, uh, and they, and they both look after children.
11:12Just that one earns $200,000 a year, and the other one doesn't.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:17OK, Dr Phil, uh, tell us what fabulous prize, uh, home duties, Phil, can win.
11:24I'd, uh, rather not, really.
11:27Why is that?
11:28The, um, I'm not comfortable with the commercial aspect of it, uh, ethical thing, really.
11:33Ah.
11:34Ethics.
11:35No ethical quandary making money out of sick kids.
11:39Um...
11:40LAUGHTER
11:41Well, home duties, Phil.
11:42Perhaps you'd like to read the, uh, the fabulous prize there.
11:44All right.
11:45Mm-hmm.
11:46Uh, there we are, there.
11:47Mm-hmm.
11:48The, uh, successful contestant will win an all-expenses-paid trip for two...
11:57Flying Air...
11:58Flying Air...
11:59Just roll, roll the footage again.
12:01LAUGHTER
12:02That's what I'm talking about.
12:03Flying Air New Zealand to Fiji, and staying in the luxurious hotel.
12:12Yes, it's a holiday, and a pretty good one too.
12:15All right, so if, uh, if you'd like to, uh, to spin the wheel, fingers crossed, and good luck, Phil.
12:19OK.
12:20APPLAUSE
12:21Congratulations.
12:22Very well done.
12:23Very well done.
12:24Very well done.
12:25What about that?
12:26Right?
12:27How will a holiday in TGV, eh?
12:28Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:29That'd be pretty good.
12:30That'd be better than pretty good.
12:31It'd be fantastic, wouldn't it?
12:32Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:33It'd be pretty good.
12:34It'd be better than pretty good.
12:35It'd be fantastic, wouldn't it?
12:36Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:37It'd be pretty good.
12:38The best thing that's happened in your life.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42I mean, like, kindly.
12:43Yeah.
12:44No, no, yeah, yeah, sure.
12:45OK, but you're not there yet.
12:46I'm going to answer a question correctly.
12:47Ready?
12:48Yeah.
12:49Nervous?
12:50A little bit.
12:51OK.
12:52Which woman is currently in a relationship with Prince Charles?
12:55Prince Charles is in a relationship with Prince Charles.
13:00Prince Charles is in a relationship with a woman.
13:03Oh!
13:04Who is it?
13:05Oh!
13:06She's been in all the papers, all the magazines.
13:08Yeah, no, I can see her face.
13:09She's sort of got the blonde hair and curls sort of happening.
13:12Yeah, well, I will need a name.
13:14Good though that description is.
13:16It's always on the tip of my tongue.
13:18It needs to come out.
13:20I...
13:21Any clues?
13:23No, no, I couldn't do that.
13:25The sponsors have been very generous,
13:26and, you know, they do expect that the winning contestant
13:29at least have some passable general knowledge.
13:31So, uh...
13:32So, no.
13:33No can do, I'm afraid.
13:34No can do.
13:35Oh, what is it?
13:36Um...
13:37No, it's...
13:38I'm asking you that question.
13:40Um...
13:41Could you...
13:42If you could hurry it up,
13:43because it is getting boring for the folks at home.
13:46Uh...
13:47No, I'm sorry.
13:48I don't know.
13:49I don't know.
13:50Can't do it?
13:51Nah, I wouldn't have a clue.
13:52Not even going to try?
13:53Er...
13:54Just give up?
13:55Yeah.
13:56It's Camilla Parker Bowles.
13:58Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
14:01Yeah.
14:02Damn.
14:03Camilla Parker Bowles.
14:04That's right.
14:05Yeah.
14:06Oh, well.
14:07Here.
14:08Guess I don't get the...
14:09The holiday.
14:10Right.
14:11Damn.
14:12Damn.
14:13Damn.
14:15Stay at home with the kids then, you know.
14:18Guess so.
14:19Well, never mind, Phil, because we do have a surprise for you.
14:22Oh, yeah.
14:24All right, now get off.
14:27Go on.
14:29Thank you very much.
14:30Are you all home today?
14:32You can get off, Phil.
14:34All right, Scoop.
14:35Come on.
14:47No.
14:48Are you sure?
14:52There, I've knocked off 50 bucks.
14:56200 okay?
14:59Yeah.
15:00I'll take it.
15:09Thank you, Francis.
15:10Well, Neil Edwards used to play football,
15:12and in the Australian television industry,
15:14this seems to substitute for talent, experience
15:16and on-air presentation skills.
15:18Neil is out and about in the suburbs of Melbourne,
15:20bursting into people's homes and making fun of them.
15:23Unfortunately, he's not employed by any television network
15:25and has been taken into custody.
15:28They really are hulking idiots, aren't they?
15:31Calling him one of the sexiest men alive
15:33doesn't even come close to discovering my next guest.
15:35Believe me.
15:36Please welcome, with his new and unusual products,
15:38Mr. Francis Greenslade.
15:42What's the name of Francis?
15:43Francis Greenslade?
15:46Thank you, Francis.
15:49I'm going to try to make it.
15:50Where did you get that?
15:52To really need?
15:53Francis?
15:54Francis?
15:55Francis?
15:56Nothing to do with me, Sean.
15:57Francis?
15:59Nothing to do with me, Sean.
16:01Doing the novelty mud off-up.
16:08Free our minds!
16:10Our minds are being poisoned by the state!
16:13Will you free our minds?
16:18Yeah, well, I'll see what I can do.
16:21Call security.
16:23Attention, il est néon!
16:26L'âme est prévois tout le monde.
16:29Attention, il est néon!
16:31Il est sur le monde des ballons.
16:39Où est mon nom?
16:42Où est mon nom?
16:44Où est mon nom?
16:46Où est mon nom?
16:48Où est mon nom?
16:50Où est mon nom?
16:52Où est mon nom?
16:53Où est mon nom?
16:54Où est mon nom?
16:55Où est mon nom?
16:56Où est mon nom?
16:57Où est mon nom?
16:58Où est mon nom?
16:59Où est mon nom?
17:00Où est mon nom?
17:01Où est mon nom?
17:02Où est mon nom?
17:03Où est mon nom?
17:04Où est mon nom?
17:05Où est mon nom?
17:06Où est mon nom?
17:07Où est mon nom?
17:08Où est mon nom?
17:09Où est mon nom?
17:10Où est mon nom?
17:11Où est mon nom?
17:12Où est mon nom?
17:13Où est mon nom?
17:14Où est mon nom?
17:15Où est mon nom?
17:16Où est mon nom?
17:17Où est mon nom?
17:18Où est mon nom?
17:19Où est mon nom?
17:22It's common knowledge within the film and TV industry, but not in the public arena.
17:26Comes to you, Archdeacon McGee, late one night in desperate state.
17:30He knocks on your door. Do you supply him with a bag of crack and a pipe?
17:35I most certainly do not.
17:37Terry Villiers, do you supply him with drugs?
17:40Yes, I do.
17:42Yes, I meant hypothetically.
17:44Oh, no, no, I don't.
17:47Geoff Clayton, former football great and now the star of the sports variety show Hey Footy.
17:54You're a colleague of Brian's father. You work in the same network.
17:57Brian comes to your house pleading for money.
17:59He needs a score and he needs it bad.
18:01If you don't help him out, he's going to break into a house and steal a TV or a VCR.
18:05Do you give him the money?
18:07No, well, look, I live in an apartment with a security gate.
18:11He wouldn't be able to ask me.
18:13Yes, well, let's say hypothetically that he could ask you.
18:16I don't think he'd get past that gate. You need a security code to get through.
18:21Well, hypothetically, he can get in and he can speak to you.
18:25Well, a security firm that I bought the gate from said nothing about anyone being able to get through.
18:31Archdeacon McGee.
18:32Oh, oh.
18:35Archdeacon McGee, you're having an affair with your personal assistant for the last two years.
18:40Now she's fallen pregnant and wants you to leave the order and get married.
18:44Disgraceful.
18:45All right.
18:50Carolyn Leversey, high-profile socialite and fundraising coordinator for the Federal Liberal Party.
18:56You've just run a very successful fundraising event.
18:58You raise $4,000 and you have it with you as you're walking along the street.
19:02And Brian comes up to you. You know Brian because you know his father.
19:06He approaches you and asks if he can borrow $50.
19:09You know about his drug problem?
19:11Do you help him?
19:13I...
19:14No, of course you wouldn't, you fascist.
19:17All right.
19:18All right, ask me again.
19:20Ask me again.
19:21All right.
19:24Brian needs to score.
19:25Do you give him some money so he can buy drugs or not?
19:28Hypothetically.
19:29Yes, hypothetically.
19:30Well, hypothetically, I live in a very big castle on a magic mountain with a beautiful princess
19:38princess and lots of magic horses that can fly and I've got a super magic ray gun that
19:45can cure all known diseases.
19:48So I fly over to Brian's house in a magic horse cart and I zap him with the ray gun and
19:53he doesn't want to have drugs anymore.
19:55He doesn't want to have drugs anymore.
19:56I'm hypothetically.
20:16Flemington's.
20:17Bad luck, Robert.
20:18The answer we were after was I'm well thanks, Sean.
20:22The answer we were after was, I'm well, thanks, Sean.
20:25So, no, no Series 3000 BMW or Holiday for Two to Switzerland for you,
20:29but you do take home a McAuliffe programme board game
20:31so you can relive your failure over and over again.
20:40Who left the phone on?
20:43Who is it?
20:45Who is it?
20:46No, no, allow me, allow me, please.
20:50No, let me answer it for you.
20:52Hello?
20:56Yes, excuse me, just one minute.
20:57What's your name, madam?
21:00It's Irene.
21:00Irene.
21:01Hello, Irene's phone.
21:03No, I'm sorry, she can't answer it at the moment.
21:06No, she's supposed to turn it off.
21:08Yes, well, she's watching a television show.
21:11She's at a recording of a television show.
21:13Oh, you knew that.
21:14You knew that, right.
21:16OK, yes, no, I can take a message.
21:19Turbling.
21:20OK.
21:22OK, yep, sure, thank you.
21:27Bye.
21:30Your mum died in a plane crash.
21:31And I rest my case, my honour.
21:49In my chambers, counsel.
21:52God damn it, Jim.
21:53You're turning my courtroom into a goddamn circus.
21:55Oh, I'm just trying to look like after the interests of my client.
22:00You were an attorney once, or were you?
22:03Oh, sorry, Judge Baruch.
22:05Jim, you better get out here.
22:06Pandemonium's broken loose and it ain't pretty.
22:09Tim.
22:10Tim.
22:10What's happened?
22:13Talk to me.
22:13It's McHennessy.
22:15He broke loose from his handcuffs and he knifed me.
22:19Oh.
22:20Blood.
22:21Your blood.
22:22I know we've always been on opposite sides of the law, Jim.
22:25But I've always regarded you as a brother.
22:27A brother-in-law.
22:28I caught him crawling down the drain pipe.
22:33Yeah, well, I bet that was a pretty tight fit, wasn't it, McHennessy?
22:37Don't nobody move.
22:38Aye.
22:39I'll do to you what I did to my mouthpiece there.
22:41Give me the gun, McHennessy.
22:42OK.
22:43Shut it down.
22:44Don't, Jim.
22:45Jesus.
22:46Um, no.
22:47Arch criminals like this bloke here need just as much of a fair trial as any one of us.
22:52You, me, or even Tom, if he were dead.
22:55Tommy, please.
22:57Then I shall defend Hennessy.
22:58Hmm.
23:00Farouk, get those clothes off.
23:02And even though every fibre of my being works its way through my intestines, I will do it.
23:07Constable Murbitroid, get this son of a bitch into court now.
23:12OK, come on.
23:16Get those trousers off.
23:17Don't worry about the shirt.
23:19Come on.
23:21Yes, hurry, hurry.
23:23I want to see you nude, boy.
23:25And then you're going to dance for me.
23:27What dance?
23:28Oh, I don't know.
23:29The frug.
23:30Do you know the frug, do you?
23:32That's good.
23:32It's the frug.
23:33OK, well.
23:34Oh.
23:36Oh.
23:36Oh.
23:37Oh.
23:38I didn't shoot, either.
23:41Constable Ferguson, if, uh, that really is your name, is it true or not true that certain
23:47things were done on certain dates that we mentioned in the previous take?
23:52Oh, objection.
23:53I'll move to strike my liege.
23:55Sustained.
23:56Don't worry.
23:57I have an ace up my hole.
23:58Oh.
23:58Oh.
23:59Oh.
24:00Oh.
24:00Oh.
24:00Oh.
24:01Oh.
24:01Oh.
24:01Oh.
24:01Oh.
24:02Oh.
24:02Oh.
24:02Oh.
24:03Oh.
24:03Oh.
24:03Oh.
24:04Oh.
24:05Oh.
24:05Oh.
24:06Oh.
24:06Oh.
24:07Oh.
24:07Oh.
24:08Oh.
24:08Might I remind you that we no longer live in the age of the steam engine and the straw hat.
24:13And that if it is a crime for my client to kill a man in cold blood, then my client is
24:19guilty.
24:19But if it is not a crime, then he isn't.
24:23The end.
24:26It's looking good.
24:28I said it to you to death.
24:33Zelda.
24:34I'm alive.
24:37Jim was fantastic in there.
24:40I think you'd better go and apologise.
24:50Oh, I'm sorry.
24:52Thanks very much.
24:53Last week saw our Let's Draw a Lighthouse competition get underway.
24:57If you're over 18 and think you can draw a lighthouse, why not enter?
25:00All our entries go into a drawer and later a cupboard.
25:03And, of course, it's not about being the best or being the winner.
25:05In fact, to prove it, let's have a look at this week's losing entry.
25:10Miss Julie Madigan of Bolivar.
25:12Awful.
25:13A big thank you, though, to Frankie Davidson for appearing in this last bit.
25:17I, for one, think that, well, I couldn't let the opportunity go by of having you here
25:21and not hearing a rendition of your 70s hit, Ball Bearing Bird.
25:25Thank you, Sean.
25:26Be delighted.
25:27No, no, Frankie, you misunderstand.
25:28I've actually arranged for a more popular singer to perform it.
25:31Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Rhonda Birchmore.
25:34Oh, what a he, what a my, what a bird.
25:43It is rare as the rarest that ever occurred to be said to be known to be roaming around
25:48For he scatters ball bearings all over the ground
25:51The ball bearing bird, the ball bearing bird
25:56Has never been seen, he's never been heard
25:59He's said to be known to be roaming around
26:01For he scatters ball bearings all over the ground
26:04Just like a rooster that grows in the morn
26:07Is thought to explode like a shotgun at dawn
26:09It is said to be best to be out of the way
26:12When it's loaded with shot and it's ready to spray
26:14Nobody knows if it's able to fly
26:17It's probably too bloom and lazy to try
26:20It's known to be prone to lay 50 pound eggs
26:23Which is probably why it's weak in the legs
26:25The ball bearing bird, the ball bearing bird
26:28Has never been seen, he's never been heard
26:31It is known to be known to be roaming around
26:33For he scatters ball bearings all over the ground
26:36The ball bearing bird, the ball bearing bird
26:41Has never been seen, he's never been heard
26:47It is known to be known to be roaming around
26:50For he scatters ball bearings all over the ground
26:53For he scatters ball Красавно, heayım dem Labour
27:01can be found, he's never been seen, he's bound for thereating
27:04He's never been seen, he's never seen
27:06As copies of this power he is necks
27:06To be departed of our vrij
27:11from transfer all over the ground
27:13He's never seen, he's never seen, he's never seen
27:16Little Originally, the ave were never saw
27:18The goal instantly went to him
27:19He's never seen theplemented
27:20To be departed with his perspective
27:21He's never seen his sweating