- 20/05/2025
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00:01Once more, once more, unto the breach, dear friends, once more, or close the wall up with our English dead.
00:08In peace, there's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility.
00:14But when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of a tiger.
00:18Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with hard-favoured rage.
00:24Then lend the eye a terrible aspect. Let it pry through the portage of the head like a brass cannon.
00:29Let the brow overwhelm it as fearfully as doth a gall-led rock overhang and jutty his confounded base,
00:36swirled with the wild and wasteful ocean.
00:39Then set the teeth and stretch the nostrils wide.
00:42Hold hard the breath and bring up every spirit to its full height!
00:46Hey!
00:46Oh, no!
00:47Hey!
00:48What?
00:49You guys got a permit?
00:51We got a permit to film here.
00:54The McAuliffe Program's booked this area this morning.
00:56Yeah, we are the McAuliffe Program.
00:59Oh, let's just roll the titles.
01:09We got a permit.
01:11Go!
01:43And here he is, the man whose name is synonymous with the McAuliffe program, Shun McAldrum.
02:05Hey, boy.
02:17Sorry about that.
02:18Thank you very much indeed.
02:20Mmm.
02:21Delish.
02:22Good evening and welcome.
02:24I'm Sean McAuliffe and I'll be your host tonight for what is, I hope, an action-packed, fun-filled
02:28rollercoaster ride of entertainment.
02:29A few laughs, maybe even a few tears.
02:32I don't know.
02:32It's hard to be dogmatic.
02:33I don't know what you're like.
02:34You might be insane and your reaction's quite unpredictable.
02:36Now, I suppose you've been admiring my young friend here, or would have if the shot was
02:41wide enough.
02:42This, uh, this here is Seymour.
02:44He's my co-host for tonight.
02:46I've been broadening my range since, uh, last episode.
02:49You'll be seeing my softer, more multifaceted side over the coming weeks.
02:53And, uh, I think now is the, uh, is the time in Australian television that we're crying out
02:58for more ventriloquism in its programs.
02:59And, uh, I'm more than happy to oblige.
03:02There we go.
03:05Hey, Seymour.
03:06How are you today?
03:08Oh, pretty good, thanks, Sean.
03:11Excellent, Seymour.
03:12That's really good to hear.
03:13Thank you very much, Sean.
03:14What have you been doing today?
03:17Well, I walked away from a serious accident today.
03:20Really?
03:20What happened, Seymour?
03:22I was alright for a while, but eventually the screams from the survivors drove me away.
03:28And, uh, no, sorry, that's my line.
03:29Yeah, I know.
03:30And now, um, no.
03:32And now.
03:32No, it's me.
03:33Yeah, I know.
03:33Okay.
03:34And, and now the, uh, and, uh, and, uh, and, uh, and, uh, and, uh, and, uh, and now the famous
03:40water-drinking trick?
03:50Oh, that's better.
03:53But right now, lads, this.
03:56Yeah, well, you know, I reckon it's my face, too.
03:58It's, uh, we sold 150 in the first month.
04:01You charge, uh, half a million, I guess, uh, for anything above the 10th floor.
04:06Um, and she's really interested, too.
04:10Um, and that other couple with a kid, they've asked for a copy, you know, of the contract,
04:20so I reckon they're genuinely interested.
04:22So we've got three interesting things, like, uh, and still pretty tight.
04:25It's a bit so little on the market, I think.
04:33This is Maisie Gilbert.
04:35She lives on a pension in this modest one-bedroom flat.
04:39Her arthritis makes tasks like cooking extremely difficult.
04:43Maisie relies on mules on wheels, a community-based service who, for a small fee,
04:49will supply a piping hot donkey on roller skates three times a week.
04:53She can't eat any of them, but they do provide a distraction from her daily misery.
04:57Act 33 there with,
05:13Someday I'll find my love in a flat.
05:17Nort.
05:18Well, most of you would have grown up eating Zempf dairy products,
05:22and most of you would therefore be aware that two weeks ago,
05:24Zempf Industries were threatened that unless certain demands were met,
05:27Zempf's delicious cheeses and yogurts would be impregnated with a deadly poison.
05:32Over $1 million worth of Zempf...
05:34Sorry, you're just in shot there.
05:35Just in shot.
05:36Over $1 million worth of Zempf products were recalled and destroyed.
05:40PR manager at Zempf Industries, Carla Gutterman,
05:43joins me now with news that the scare is over.
05:45Carla, that can only be good news for Zempf.
05:47Oh, it certainly is, Sean.
05:49Yes. Yes, indeed.
05:50You know, public trust and confidence must be a very difficult thing to win back.
05:54I know that after something like this, I would probably...
05:56Well, in fact, I would never eat Zempf products again.
05:59No way.
06:00Well, we hope that you will, Sean.
06:04Oh, yes.
06:04No, I didn't mean that literally.
06:06I was just being dramatic for the story.
06:08We have actually had all the recalled products tested,
06:11and they are all perfectly safe.
06:13They were free of contaminants.
06:14But just as a safety precaution,
06:16we have had the recalled products destroyed.
06:18Right, because you're just not sure about the tests.
06:19No, we were sure about the tests.
06:22It was just an added precaution.
06:25Right.
06:25It's a pretty dramatic precaution, isn't it?
06:27Just destroying the products you make.
06:30Seems just a bit of overkill there, I would have thought.
06:34It's your product.
06:35You can do what you like with it.
06:36Just saying, just making a comment.
06:37Well, that is our policy with recalled products,
06:45and that's what we did.
06:47At Zempf, we think it's very important to reassure the public
06:49that there is no harm now in buying our products.
06:53They're all perfectly safe.
06:54And you do that by destroying it.
06:57Well, I think destroying it is a little harsh, Sean.
07:00We didn't blow it up or anything.
07:01We simply incinerated the recalled items.
07:04Well, you burnt it.
07:05Yes?
07:07You burnt it en masse as a demonstration to the public of your policies.
07:11Well, yes.
07:13Yes, well, it just sounds a little reminiscent of Berlin in the late 30s.
07:18We were burning cheese and yoghurt, Sean, not books.
07:21Yes, but that's where it starts, Carla.
07:24Zempf dairy products.
07:25Now poison-free and made according to the principles which founded Nazi Germany.
07:31Washing powders.
07:33Some are the best, some are...
07:34Look, you're in shot again, and you were warned.
07:37Back off.
07:38Washing powders.
07:39Some are the best and some aren't.
07:40Francis Greenslade takes up the story.
07:42Don't, you're hurting my aunt.
07:45Don't.
07:45Don't don't me.
07:48What's he waiting for?
07:49All washing powders make the same claim,
07:51that they clean brighter than the rest.
07:54How can this be?
07:55Surely only one can be telling the truth.
07:57The Carter family volunteered to help us find out which one.
08:01May we see your washing?
08:03Who are you?
08:04I'm from the ABC.
08:05Certainly.
08:07OK.
08:08Now these sheets are dull and not particularly clean.
08:11Would you try your next wash using this?
08:14Yep.
08:15Sure.
08:15Hmm.
08:18Still pretty grabby, aren't they?
08:20And this is after one wash with brand A washing powder.
08:23No.
08:24Forgot to use it.
08:26Um.
08:28Actually didn't even bring them in.
08:32We'll use it next time.
08:33Yep.
08:34Sure.
08:37Hmm.
08:38The sheets are still very...
08:40Did you use the powder?
08:44No.
08:45Why not?
08:47Wouldn't be f***ed.
08:49Didn't have it?
08:50Forgot.
08:52Well, will you use it next time or...
08:55Yep.
08:55Yep, I will.
08:58Well, we've been really busy.
09:01My mum's sick.
09:02She's been pretty sick.
09:03We've had to go to the hospital every day and, uh...
09:05You know, I've had to give him blood and that.
09:08Look, it's pointless me coming if you're not going to participate.
09:10Yeah, I swear on the Holy Bible that I'll...
09:13I'll use it in the next wash.
09:15As God is my witness.
09:17Oh.
09:19All right.
09:21Look, just ring me if you haven't done it.
09:23Quite a trip out here.
09:24Yep.
09:25Understand.
09:26I promise.
09:31It was engaged.
09:32I rang several times.
09:33Well, look at these radiant, gleaming whites.
09:41And this is all from a simple wash in cold water using brand A.
09:45Yep.
09:46Absolutely incredible.
09:50What's this?
09:51What?
09:52This.
09:53These labels.
09:55Don't know.
09:57These are brand new sheets, aren't they?
09:58Yes.
10:00I, uh...
10:02Mother died last night.
10:03Don't.
10:04Had to go to the funeral.
10:05I didn't have time to run.
10:07Johnny.
10:08Johnny.
10:09Johnny.
10:09Tea's ready.
10:12Who's that?
10:13I don't know.
10:15Get out of my house.
10:16Can we introduce your new friends to your mother?
10:21She means mother as in the black American sense.
10:24Mother.
10:28Hey, can I keep this?
10:31Good night.
10:37Well, this next bit requires me to pretend it's a news item.
10:41Thank you very much, Dean.
10:42A tanker carrying 200 tonnes of aromatherapy oils split and burst into flames today, causing
10:49widespread calm and a sense of well-being along Australia's east coast.
10:53Wayne Hope is at the scene with the captain of the vessel.
10:57Though I don't know why, as the joke's already over.
11:06Thank you, Francis.
11:07Welcome back.
11:08I'm here with Nola Martin, our very special guest this week, who's come all the way in
11:11from Geraldton.
11:12And Nola is, believe it or not, 81 years old.
11:23Nola, what's your secret?
11:26I'm a lesbian.
11:29No, no, no.
11:30You misunderstand.
11:31I meant, uh...
11:33Doesn't matter.
11:34Doesn't matter.
11:34I've got to go.
11:36Excuse me.
11:38Oh, hello, love.
12:00Has that thing, sure, you idiot, been here again, has he?
12:02Through Christ, our Lord, our men.
12:08Someone who knew Billy Enright as well as any of us is Owen Tully.
12:19I'd like to tell you something that not a lot of people knew about, William.
12:23He hated buns.
12:27He loathed them.
12:29Couldn't stand to be in the same room as a bun.
12:32Or indeed any form of sweet baked good.
12:35Or pastry confection.
12:37Even if they're in a jar.
12:39You'd go quite funny about that.
12:41I remember well a story about William.
12:47He was walking down the road one day.
12:49I don't know the name of the road.
12:52He just purchased an ice cream.
12:55I'm uncertain as to its flavor.
12:57But he dropped a serviette on the ground.
13:00And he picked up the serviette and he went and he put it over in a bin.
13:05And that's exactly the way he was with people.
13:09If he soiled you, he would clean you.
13:16He owed me $50.
13:18He owed me $50.
13:24Attention, il est merant.
13:26L'amour fait for it tout le monde.
13:29Attention, il est merant.
13:31Il est sur le monde fait ballon.
13:37Huh?
13:41Attention, il est merant.
13:43Il est sur le monde fait ballon.
13:46Anyone who raises the topic of immigration levels is racist.
13:50It's not exactly what one of my next guests said,
13:52but it's virtually what she's saying in my opinion.
13:56Has political correctness gone too far?
13:58How racist are we?
13:59And how do we define racism anyway?
14:02Joining me tonight for this controversial tete-a-tete
14:04is Jan Delaney from the Equal Opportunities Commission
14:06and Mr. Damien Gabriel from the No Immigration Party.
14:10Damien, if I could start with you.
14:12Why should we stop immigration to this country immediately?
14:14Well, Sean, let me say at the outset that I'm not a racist.
14:18You made a noise then, but I think it's actually very helpful
14:21because a lot of people accuse Damien of being a racist
14:23and I think it's actually good to know that he isn't one.
14:27OK, so you're not a racist?
14:29No.
14:29OK.
14:29But I do think that we must stop the flood of Asians into Australia.
14:33Sorry, you made that noise again and you were warned.
14:35All I'm saying is that if we're not careful in 20 years' time,
14:40we're just going to look like another Asian country.
14:42Ooh, frightening thought, isn't it?
14:44Well, I think that's the point that Damien's trying to make, Jan.
14:48I was being sarcastic.
14:51I know, as was I.
14:53Please, go on.
14:54In effect, you're advocating that we keep our bloodlines pure,
14:57keep it all Anglo-Saxon.
14:59Well, to be fair, I don't actually think Damien's saying that.
15:01Well, actually, Sean, I am.
15:04OK.
15:06All right, all right, Sean,
15:07how would you feel if your daughter came home one night
15:09with an Asian boyfriend?
15:11Oh, yeah.
15:12That's fine.
15:14I mean, I like their food
15:15and they're not the best drivers in the world,
15:18but I think they'd be the first to admit that.
15:21They're very generous people.
15:22So, no, I'd have no problems at all.
15:23Wouldn't bat an eyelid?
15:25Ah, well, ah.
15:27You were making an eye joke there.
15:31Sort of, I won't do it because it's racist.
15:33Trying to catch me into a trap there.
15:35What?
15:37Well, you know, I mean, I'd be fine with it,
15:40providing he didn't sell drugs or was a member of a gang.
15:43Oh, because they all are, aren't they?
15:45Well, I think that might be overstating it a bit,
15:47not all like that, but many of them are.
15:49That is appalling.
15:50It is disgraceful, I agree.
15:52Now, if we could turn the subject just slightly now
15:55to the question of humour and racism.
15:58Racism in humour.
16:01Jan raised her earlier with her eye joke.
16:04Should we laugh at racist jokes?
16:06No, we should not.
16:07What about if they're funny?
16:08If it's racist, it isn't funny.
16:12Oh, what an incredibly arrogant thing to say.
16:15Yes, I mean, look, take my hat and my coat.
16:17It's hilarious and it's a reflex thing to laugh, really.
16:20You can't help yourself.
16:21What is a racist joke anyway?
16:23Why is it racist?
16:24Just because it mentions someone's nationality.
16:26Yes.
16:27You can't tell a joke that relies for its humour
16:30on someone's nationality without it being racist.
16:34Well, I think you can.
16:35No, you can't.
16:36Excuse me, actually, I think I know a bit more than both of you about humour.
16:39I could just make a suggestion here.
16:41They always end up using racist stereotypes like, you know,
16:45Oh, hello, buddy, buddy, how are you today, please, sir?
16:48Oh, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.
16:50Oh, you're right, you're right, you're right.
16:52Oh, you're right.
16:53It's racist.
16:54Well, look, they laughed.
16:56It's funny.
16:57I mean, it can be both.
16:59Why is it racist?
17:01Because it portrays Indian people as wobble-headed idiots.
17:04No, no, no, it's a joke.
17:06It's not supposed to be taken seriously.
17:08Well, to be fair to Jan, I don't think she's actually saying it is taken seriously.
17:10Yes, I am.
17:12I'm trying to help you.
17:13I'll tell you, this is a true story.
17:15This actually happened to me.
17:16I was in Japan a couple of months back,
17:18meeting with some Tokyo television people.
17:21It's an industry thing.
17:21Don't want to go into too many details.
17:24Hush, hush.
17:25But a fellow from Tokyo television came up to me,
17:28found out that I was Australian.
17:29He came up and he said,
17:30Oh, you're from Australia.
17:32Oh, you can do bouncing down.
17:35Oh, bouncing down.
17:37Bum, bum, bum.
17:38And clearly that's not offensive.
17:40I think you'll find it is.
17:43Good point.
17:45Well, I think the only real conclusion to be drawn from all this
17:47is that jokes about foreigners aren't racist.
17:50It's just that they have no sense of humour about themselves.
17:52Please thank Damien and Jan.
17:55Thank you, Jan.
18:00And spit.
18:13Yes, it's Sunday afternoon football coming to you live with me as always,
18:24Carrie, the dugong Oldham, big bad bastard Brian Davies.
18:28And joining us in the commentary position this afternoon,
18:30one of the stars of the competition, unfortunately not playing today,
18:33but Jeff Aludo, we should be in for a terrific competition.
18:35Well, you know, it's all sorts of matters and determinations
18:39that go into making up a day like today
18:42in terms of centre break-ups or injuries or even the water.
18:45Who knows what's going on behind the hallowed corridors of power.
18:48But if you had to ask me to look at these guys
18:50and say they're hot and able, they have done this shopping.
18:52Their consternation levels are at their utmost
18:54and in my mind, there'll be no quarters asked and none given.
18:56These are men, they are orange,
18:58and I'm sorry but something has happened to my brain
19:00and I have to go now, bye-bye.
19:05What do you want me, Jeff?
19:06I got another one, I got another one.
19:08What I was saying, what I was trying to say before...
19:10Oh, you were trying to say...
19:12They were not mine.
19:15Oh, they were so...
19:17They were Neil Boothies.
19:19You know, Neil Boothies.
19:27Well, I don't know that he was daisy-print knickers.
19:30What's that? What's that?
19:33Oh, it's a door.
19:35Come in.
19:36It's not at the door.
19:37I was the real time.
19:38He turned out full briefs and they were pink.
19:41He's probably wearing them at the door right now.
19:44Would you mind holding it down a bit?
19:45We're trying to demolish a building across the road.
19:47This is Alan Knowles, water quality tester from Castlemaine, Victoria.
19:58Our person of the week.
20:00But right now, this.
20:02As we all know, the Australasian record for toppling dominoes
20:08currently stands at 4,700 dominoes.
20:12But tonight, Vic Breville will attempt to smash that record live
20:15on the McAuliffe programme by toppling 4,706 dominoes.
20:19Vic, talk us through it.
20:20Well, Sean, myself and three assistants have been working for the last seven days
20:23full time from 9 a.m. in the morning until 10 p.m. at night
20:26to set up this attempt.
20:30Don't touch.
20:31The slightest movement could set this right off.
20:33I'm sorry.
20:34It might be better if you'd lowered your voice.
20:36Even vibrations have been known to shake the dominoes.
20:39OK.
20:39Well, I'll just take you through it, if I may
20:42Yes, certainly
20:43I'm going to cut this ribbon here
20:45and the ball will fall onto the first domino
20:48the first domino will fall onto the second domino
20:51the second domino will fall onto the third domino
20:53the third domino will in turn fall onto the fourth domino
20:56which will collide with the fifth domino
20:57and so on and so on and so on and so on
20:59until all the dominoes are lying flat
21:00Right, so it's a sort of domino effect, is it?
21:04Well, actually, that's where the phrase came from
21:06OK, well, it's obviously a very fragile operation there
21:12I think we should go to it, Vic
21:13so I'll just get out of your way there
21:15Yes, all right
21:15Whoa, whoa!
21:17I'm sorry
21:18Now, do you want a drum roll or something?
21:20Will that hurt the dominoes?
21:23Affect them in any way?
21:24No, it should be all right
21:25All right
21:25Ladies and gentlemen
21:28Ladies and gentlemen, Vic Breville for the Australasian Record
21:36Is that the effect you're after?
21:53Vic Breville there
21:54Wasting my freaking time
21:56And what are your authorities, Mr. District Attorney?
22:13Ah, thank you, my dear
22:15The case of Carfagal and Cuminumon
22:18from 1822, the House of Exchequers
22:21Ipso marks
22:23My client is not giggly
22:26Zelda!
22:29What's going on here?
22:30Don't know, Your Honour
22:32Blinking hip!
22:37Oh, I'm so sorry, Dad
22:38I'm sorry isn't good enough, young lady
22:40We allowed you to work here regardless of the colour of your skin
22:42and this is how you repay us
22:43Without professional conduct
22:45But I was...
22:46Ah! Draw your pay, puffo
22:47I want you off the premises by noon tonight
22:50As she leaves Baruch, so do I
22:52But you're the finest and legal mind this side of the Pecos
22:56You had me over a barrel, Ferguson
22:59But you've not heard the last about this from me
23:02I said good day, sir
23:05He's plenty mad
23:08What is it, Zelda?
23:11Is it personnel?
23:13Oh, it's Tom
23:15I've fallen in love with Tom
23:17Oh, it's stupid, I know
23:19Everybody knows that you shouldn't fall in love with Defence Council
23:22But I have, Jim
23:23Yeah
23:23I have
23:24Zelda, we're not made of stone
23:27Some of us have hearts
23:28Hearts as big as the Bronx
23:30Some of them even bigger than those
23:32Not the fire extinguishers
23:34I don't care if they are in love
23:39As you call it, Ferguson
23:40She's a disgrace to her profession
23:42Because she has negroid blood
23:44Causing through her veins, isn't it?
23:45It most certainly is not
23:47Oh, it is not, is it?
23:48Hmm
23:49You are a racist, sir
23:50A racist!
23:51I deserve that
23:58All right, Ferguson
24:00They can be in love
24:02But only after office hours
24:04Hmm
24:04Well, it takes a big man to admit that he's wrong
24:06And on the strength of what's come out of your mouth just then
24:09You're one of the biggest men in this hospital
24:11Stuff and nonsense
24:13Now get back to what you do best
24:15And that's defending people's legal rights
24:17Thank you, Donald
24:18Call me Donald
24:19Sorry
24:20I sort of called you Judge Ferguson
24:22No, that's my name
24:24Farouk
24:25Judge Farouk
24:26I take my leave
24:31Oh, sorry
24:36Oh, Zelda
24:42You really are a clumsy idiot, aren't you?
24:50Hey, are you going to finish this damn case or not?
24:55Stat!
24:58Pete Sampras won't do it
25:00Mark Philippousis has refused Point Blank
25:03And John Farnham has declined all requests
25:05So if there's anyone out there who can help me move house this weekend
25:09Please call the ABC during office hours
25:11Speaking of times
25:12Oscar Wilde once said of it
25:13It wars against our lilacs and our roses
25:16And we're also sadly clean out of it tonight
25:18But before we go, a brief look at tomorrow's headlines
25:20TV week
25:21Paul Cronin says Hollywood can wait
25:23Dolly, as usual, is leading with the Asian currency crisis
25:27And the ages headline is unavailable
25:30Love that font
25:32Until next week, when I hope I find you as I find you now
25:35In an upright position watching me
25:36This is Sean McAuliffe
25:38Reminding you that a dog is not just for Christmas
25:40It can also be for a birthday
25:41In fact, you can eat them all year round
25:45Good night
25:45Good night
26:15The ABC regrets to inform viewers.
26:32Good night.
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