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00:30Ladies and gentlemen, put your knees together
00:34for Mr Shah Dech Moogleman.
00:52Mm, superb.
00:53Well, I'll finish that later.
00:56Great to be here, thanks very much.
00:58I should say that...
00:59Excuse me, I should say that we here on the McAuliffe program
01:01believe in pushing the envelope as far as we can.
01:04Well, this week it's ended up in the Yu Yangs.
01:06I don't know what Australia Post are doing.
01:07I posted it two weeks ago, and look what's happened.
01:10Outrage, I tell you.
01:11An outrage!
01:14Sorry.
01:15Well, aren't kids amazing?
01:17You know what they say?
01:18Out of the mouths of babes.
01:19What do they mean exactly?
01:20Vomit? Choking hazards? Perhaps.
01:23And who were this mysterious they I mentioned?
01:25Did I make them up? What am I talking about?
01:27Can I start this again?
01:29No? Okay.
01:30My point is that kids do say the damnedest things.
01:34Here's one now. I'm just going to have a talk to him.
01:36Thank you very much, Crystal.
01:38Hello. What's your name, young man?
01:39Harley.
01:40Harley. Good name.
01:43Harley, what do you want to be when you grow up?
01:45A football player.
01:45No, I thought we'd agreed you'd say fireman.
01:52Did you not speak to your agent?
01:55No.
01:56Right.
01:57Well, that really worked with...
02:00We'll just proceed as if you've said fireman, all right?
02:05What do you like about being a fireman?
02:06Do you enjoy flames?
02:07No, because I'm not a fireman.
02:11Okay.
02:12What gauge of hose and pressure would you recommend to extinguish a large chemical fire?
02:16I don't care.
02:20Well, Harley, you've not been able to answer any of my questions satisfactorily,
02:23so I'm afraid I'm going to have to pour a bucket of goo on your head.
02:26Well, right now, something to ask.
02:37Yeah, well, of course, it's very difficult to have to put your father in a home, you know.
02:43But apparently he wasn't looking after himself too well these days.
02:48But Jen noticed it at first, didn't you, Jen?
02:50Yeah, it was just little things initially.
02:54What sort of things?
02:55Oh, I didn't actually see them.
02:59As I said, it was Jen that noticed some things.
03:01Yeah, he was getting pretty unsteady on his feet.
03:04He fell over, didn't he?
03:05Yeah, he nearly fell over.
03:08And the house was pretty messy.
03:10And it's such a beautiful house.
03:12It was a shame to see it like that.
03:16Dave's father is 71 and lives here in this rambling turn-of-the-century villa in Albert Park.
03:22An avid gardener, he tends to his plants and lawn almost every day.
03:26But his real passion is stamp collecting.
03:29Let me show you this.
03:31This is a 20-pence Kubrick blue from Mustard.
03:38And it's unfranked and the prize of my collection.
03:42Can you see that?
03:42Well, the sad thing is, his mind's going, isn't it?
03:46Oh, I don't know about that.
03:48No.
03:49It is.
03:50Right.
03:51Dave and Jenny have visited another retirement homes in search of the one that will suit the needs of Dave's father.
03:58Yeah, it's lovely.
03:59Would you consider $80 a week?
04:01Lionel Truant is the manager of St. Charlotte's Home for the Aged and knows that aged care is a difficult issue.
04:07But certainly it can be a difficult situation for both the parent and the child.
04:11But if David's father is as advanced as Jenny and David say he is, then St. Charlotte's will be the best place for him.
04:20It can take a bit of getting used to.
04:22The smell of urine, particularly, which is quite pervasive.
04:25Some people find it nauseating.
04:29I personally don't mind it.
04:33With the home chosen, it falls to David to tell his father that he is to go into nursing care.
04:38A doctor friend of Jenny's has agreed to conduct an examination and sign the necessary forms.
04:42Both these events will take place during a family visit to David's father to celebrate his birthday, so as to reduce any stress.
04:48Can I have a bit of a chat?
04:52Sure.
04:52Jenny?
04:53You want to sign this for me?
04:54Oh, sure.
04:56It is decided that it would be best for Jim if he were to visit St. Charlotte's immediately for a trial period to see whether the facilities are to his liking.
05:07Look, it has been very hard on all of us, particularly the children.
05:11They're very upset they won't get to see Grandad anymore.
05:14Why is that?
05:17Well, it's so far away.
05:21We can't go traipsing up there every weekend.
05:23We've got a lot of fixing up to do here.
05:24Despite their best endeavours, the change proves too stressful for Jim, and he must be medicated.
05:31A lot of our clients do find it difficult at first.
05:35Jim's room is one of the smallest, so he couldn't really bring very much.
05:39We allowed him two things, and he chose his stamp collection and his Tiffany lamp, which was a golden wedding anniversary present from his wife Gwen, and consequently of enormous sentimental value.
05:50His daughter-in-law felt that it would be safer in her care.
05:53But he is still able to enjoy his stamps.
05:56We have a common room with a large window, so he has plenty of light to work in, if he can handle the smell of urine, which I actually don't mind.
06:05I do get a chance every now and again to visit Dad.
06:10Not on the weekends, obviously, but during my lunch breaks, they're on special errands, like this morning.
06:16Jenny wants me to come and get Dad's stamp collection to get it valued.
06:20And, you know, I don't mind that.
06:23It's good to see him.
06:25They don't actually allow pets here, so no dogs, so we had to put Dixie to sleep.
06:32And I think Jenny was quite right about that.
06:35It was a mercy thing, really.
06:38You know, Dixie was getting on.
06:39She was about nearly four, I think.
06:41So, you know, I haven't told Daddy, obviously.
06:47Well, he's heavily sedated now.
06:48He's kind of, you know, he doesn't even recognize who I am half the time.
06:53But, I mean, he was certainly getting that way before he came here, you know, according to Jenny.
07:02St Charlotte's was almost completely burned to the ground.
07:05Lionel Truen vows to rebuild.
07:07He is old.
07:09You'll never recapture the atmosphere of the place.
07:12Or the smell.
07:14Which I actually didn't mind.
07:15Don't get in, you bugger.
07:19Because he was on a temporary visit, he wasn't actually covered by their insurance.
07:24I thought I told you to have your baths.
07:28Good.
07:29So, we've actually had to sell Dad's house to pay for the damage.
07:37They won't have him back at the home, so he's moved in here now.
07:42And, well, it's a little bit crowded, but that's what families are for, I reckon.
07:47She can't get out of my face.
08:06Malcolm Yip, everyone.
08:07And here's the final act that our talent coordinator will ever book for this show.
08:12Thanks, Malcolm.
08:12Vegemite, Bond singlets, nugget shoe polish and bush biscuits.
08:17Put them together and you've got one of the most disgusting meals ever made.
08:22Now, Johnny Vogel won silver for Australia in Munich in 1972.
08:26He's one of our greatest ambassadors who today is putting something back into his chosen sport.
08:30Setting up shot-put training camps for the underprivileged all over the world.
08:33He lives in Los Angeles now and has done so for the last ten years.
08:37But he's back in Australia to promote the sport he loves and renew some old acquaintances.
08:40I hope I'm one of them, and so will be you too.
08:45Johnny Vogel.
08:47Hi.
08:48Hi, Sean.
08:48How are you?
08:49I'm well, I'm well.
08:50You're tanned, you're looking fit.
08:52You look much, much, much younger than you are.
08:54How old are you, actually?
08:55I'm 47.
08:57Oh, I thought you were older.
08:59Yeah, you look about right, then.
09:01Now, you were born in Mildura, according to my notes here.
09:04What was that like growing up there?
09:05Yeah, well, I was born in Mildura, but my mum, dad and I, we moved back to the States
09:11when I was three weeks old.
09:12My dad was on a work exchange thing, and, you know, so, I mean, I spent the first 15
09:17years of my life in California, so I really don't remember Mildura all that much.
09:24But your birth was registered here, though, in Australia, wasn't it?
09:28Yeah.
09:28Yeah, yeah, that's what counts.
09:31And your mum was Aussie?
09:33No, my mum was actually a New Zealander.
09:37But that's Australian under the film and television laws, isn't it?
09:40I guess.
09:41Yeah.
09:41Now, you came back to Australia, your home, where you were, when you were 16 years old,
09:46to train with the track and field squad in the two years leading up to the Olympics.
09:49Tell us about that.
09:50Well, I was doing the little shot put down at Caltech in school.
09:57Sure.
09:57And, you know, I wasn't going to make the U.S. Olympic team.
10:03So, you know, I mean, I was good.
10:04Yeah.
10:05But I wasn't that good.
10:06So, I said, hey, you know, I'll get on the Australian Olympic team, because, you know,
10:13I mean, legally, I am an Australian, and your standards here are much lower.
10:19And you're probably a bit homesick for the place anyway, so...
10:23Oh, yeah.
10:24Yeah.
10:24Yeah.
10:25Yeah.
10:25Plus, I had to train with the squad for two years to qualify for the team, you know.
10:29Right.
10:29Now, after you were a silver in Munich, you stayed in Europe for a while, didn't you?
10:35Mm.
10:35You've been all around.
10:36You've lived and you've worked in a lot of exotic places.
10:40So, Johnny, when it comes down to it, what's the best country in the world to live in?
10:44Venice.
10:46The home of shoppers.
10:47Mm.
10:49What a place.
10:50Wow.
10:51Yeah, I haven't been there.
10:54Aussie Johnny Vogel, ladies and gentlemen.
10:56Good on you.
10:56Good on you.
10:57Good on you, copper.
10:58Thanks very much.
11:29Good on you.
11:59Thank you, Francis.
12:12There's been a lot of ink spilled in newspapers here and overseas,
12:15particularly in Britain,
12:16about actors being paid to come on to talkback
12:18or confessional shows like Jerry Springer or Trish Goddard
12:21and pretend that they're real people with real problems.
12:24Dominic Patton from the Australian Broadcasting Tribunal
12:26and Sasha Emeldo from Actors' Equity joins me now.
12:29I suppose I should ask you, you're not actors, are you?
12:31You're real people.
12:33What do you mean?
12:36Well, you're not an actor being paid to appear on this show.
12:39Of course I am.
12:41No, no.
12:41I don't understand.
12:42No, you're not the Michaela program, this segment.
12:44What?
12:46This segment.
12:48You, Dominic...
12:49Dominic, not Wayne, Dominic Patton.
12:52Sorry, sorry.
12:55No, I'm not an actor, I'm real.
12:57We...
12:57We...
12:58I don't understand why it's so confusing for you.
13:01I'm sorry, I just didn't know.
13:02We rehearsed this this afternoon.
13:04I know, I didn't know that you started it.
13:05I get confused sometimes.
13:07You just come in and...
13:08I don't understand.
13:09I'm with you now, though.
13:09It's just...
13:10You spoke to me.
13:11Very...
13:12Like Sean, Sean.
13:14All right.
13:15Okay.
13:15Am I...
13:16Am I Ros now?
13:19A weird living?
13:20No, no.
13:21No, it's just...
13:22I'm sorry.
13:23Sean...
13:23No, I got mixed up.
13:24Sean actually spoke to me...
13:26He was speaking to me in character,
13:27and then I realised that he was actually speaking to me, Wayne.
13:30No, I was speaking to your character.
13:33Speaking to your character.
13:35Sorry, I don't know where we are now.
13:38It's perfectly simple.
13:39Who are you now?
13:41Well, I'm Sean.
13:43I'm Sean either way, aren't I?
13:45What do you mean, who am I?
13:46Sean's your name, is it?
13:47Yeah.
13:48You know that.
13:48You know that.
13:49You know, Sean.
13:49You're Wayne in real life,
13:53but you're Dominic in this scene.
13:55And I'm Ros in real life,
13:57but I'm Sasha in this scene.
13:58Yeah.
13:59Right.
13:59Yeah.
13:59Well, I just do them differently by doing different voices.
14:02Which one?
14:03Well, when I do Sasha, I do all this!
14:06Look, don't worry.
14:07We'll forget it.
14:09We'll shoot it later on using real people.
14:13We'll forget it.
14:14I'm serious.
14:15I'm actually serious.
14:16We'll do it later on.
14:18What?
14:19What?
14:19It's going to work.
14:20We'll do it later on.
14:25Where are you going?
14:27Where are you going?
14:28Is this a bit real, or what are we doing now?
14:30I told you we were going to do that before.
14:32Don't freak me out.
14:33I told you we were going to end it like that before in the rehearsal.
14:37You didn't do it?
14:38I did tell you.
14:39I did tell you that.
14:40I'm working up characters, you know, preparing.
14:43Well, you know, how about working up one that works?
14:46Now that's real.
14:47I know, that's real.
14:49Prick.
14:52I understand you're in a comedy sketch today.
14:55Yes, I am.
14:55And how's it going?
14:56It's going up.
14:57It's not too bad.
14:58I understand this one doesn't have a punchline.
15:00No, it doesn't.
15:00On your way then.
15:01OK.
15:02I would have thought that was self-evident.
15:04Well, last week you ran a story on Eli Dimmick, the busker who had his violin stolen.
15:10Eli, you remember, was actually helping an elderly man who'd fallen over in the mall when the theft took place.
15:16Now, Eli, your violin was pretty much your mill ticket, and it's virtually impossible for you to derive an income without it.
15:21That's right.
15:22Any word on the violin since the theft?
15:24No, nothing.
15:25No.
15:26And you don't have the means, really, to replace it, do you?
15:28Oh, no.
15:29No, I don't.
15:29Well, Barry McElhenney from McElhenney Music has kindly come along tonight.
15:33And, Barry, I'll let you take up the story.
15:35Oh, yeah.
15:35Well, thanks, Sean.
15:36Now, all of us at McElhenney Music know Eli very well.
15:40He plays in the mall, very near our shop.
15:43And when my partners and I heard about the theft, we discussed the matter.
15:47And so, Eli, tonight, on behalf of McElhenney Music, it gives me great pleasure to know that we won't have to put up with your incompetence screeching anymore.
15:56Well done, Barry.
15:57Thanks very much.
15:57Thank you, Sean.
15:58Cheers.
15:58I've got three or four projects coming in.
16:07I've got to have the Rubbertson sketches in by 4pm this afternoon.
16:11Yeah, but...
16:12Well...
16:14Can this wait?
16:16Yeah.
16:16Yeah, sure.
16:17I can wait.
16:17I mean, I don't see what's so urgent about it.
16:19I mean, why can't you do it next week?
16:23Screw you!
16:25I mean, why can't you make a decision by yourself?
16:27I've been carrying you for the last two years.
16:31Do you know much of an arsehole everyone thinks you are?
16:34Answer me!
16:36Oh, sorry.
16:36I thought you were talking to me on the phone.
16:37Oh.
16:42You miserable little worm!
16:45You are a nightmare.
16:47I used to think you were smart, but it's become rapidly apparent that you are a twittering, self-centred, no-talent moron.
16:53I want you to take your things, shove them up your fat arse and get out.
16:57Yeah, I said get out.
16:58Leave.
16:59Excuse me.
16:59Are you deaf?
17:00Oh, sorry.
17:01Get out!
17:05Sorry about that.
17:08Craig Moody, come on down!
17:15Carblefly, come on down!
17:17And Lindsay Pipe, come on down!
17:29Because the ABC's head of light entertainment wants a bit of a lie down.
17:32We've kept the room just the way it was the day you died.
17:48It's not often that I read the stuff in the press about me.
18:00Let's face it, if I did, I wouldn't have time to put the show together.
18:04But here's something that actually Roz pointed out, so thank you, Roz, for that.
18:07Um, apparently I have been named Australian television's most sexiest man.
18:13Now, I have mixed feelings about being accorded this honour.
18:17Flattered, of course, that my chans have been recognised.
18:19But, um, frankly appalled at the slipshod grammar which has been applied to describe them.
18:24Most sexiest man, I ask you.
18:25Where do they train these people?
18:27Are there no standards?
18:28Surely a basic grasp of the English language is the very least we can expect.
18:32I don't condemn them for their illiteracy.
18:34I just feel very, very sorry for these people.
18:36Sean, it says sexist, not sexiest.
18:42Says Australian TV's most sexist man.
18:45Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah, yeah.
18:52Don't ever correct me on camera.
18:55But right now, this.
19:04Hey, buddy, you got a light?
19:12You got a light for me?
19:13You got a light?
19:14Yep.
19:14Okay.
19:15Cheers, man.
19:18You want to go?
19:20Thanks, man.
19:22You, uh, you after something?
19:23Mate?
19:24What do you got?
19:25What do you got?
19:25Whatever you want, mate.
19:26Whatever you want.
19:27I'm a regular pharmacy here, mate.
19:29Alright.
19:29What do you got?
19:31Tell me what you got.
19:32I'll get you some Lomotils, mate.
19:33Some Lomotils.
19:35What do you want, eh?
19:37Lomotil?
19:38Lomotils, mate.
19:38Ten tabs.
19:40Lomotils are an anti-diarrhea medication.
19:42Oh, yeah, mate.
19:43Picks you right up, it will.
19:44Picks you right up.
19:45Hey?
19:45You want some of those?
19:46Yeah.
19:46Hey?
19:46What about some quills, mate?
19:49What's that?
19:50I'll get you some quills.
19:51I'll get you some car sickness medication, mate.
19:53Wild gear.
19:54Wild gear.
19:55Not interested.
19:56Yeah?
19:56Come on, lady.
19:57Not interested.
19:57Yeah?
19:58No.
19:59Nothing.
19:59Sepulchol?
20:00You like the sepulchols, don't you?
20:02Your sepulchol board.
20:03Is that like Rehypnal?
20:04No, mate.
20:05Mate, mate, mate.
20:05It's more a lozenge.
20:06It's more a wild lozenge, man.
20:08You like that?
20:09You like that?
20:12Sepulchols?
20:13Good.
20:14Hey.
20:14Alright.
20:15Come here.
20:16Come here.
20:18Come here.
20:18It's on the house.
20:19It's on the house, alright?
20:21What's this?
20:21It's on the house.
20:22It's just a taste of what's...
20:23What's that?
20:23Alright?
20:24What is it?
20:24It's a corn pad, mate.
20:26It's a corn pad.
20:27I don't want to eat a corn pad.
20:28Some gauze, mate.
20:33Okay?
20:34Some gauze.
20:35Gauze with the hooks, mate.
20:37Ten bucks.
20:38Ten bucks with the hooks.
20:39Seven fifty.
20:39You got a health concession card?
20:41I'll give you seven fifty.
20:41Have you got anything that you wouldn't normally sell over the counter?
20:50I've got some expired in yourself, huh?
20:54How are you?
20:55You got anything illegal?
20:56No, mate.
21:01We'll have a packet of jelly beans, then.
21:07Jelly beans, I do.
21:08And any anti-dandruff shampoo.
21:12What a problem.
21:13Dangard or sell some blue?
21:14Dangard.
21:15Dangard.
21:15I love that.
21:16Dangard.
21:16Dangard.
21:16Get this.
21:17What do you want, eh?
21:20Dangard.
21:20How much fun?
21:2122.50, mate.
21:2222.50.
21:23In the hand.
21:24In the hand.
21:25In the hand.
21:26I haven't got any money.
21:4192 Latour, I think.
21:42Fire!
21:55Judy, thank you very much.
21:57That was a lovely dinner.
21:58Absolutely superb.
22:00I must be paying you too much, Fred, eh?
22:03I don't know about that.
22:04Gregory, leave the room, please.
22:13Leave the room.
22:19Well, that can't be the end, can it?
22:21No, I didn't think so.
22:24Fred was telling me that your uncle died recently.
22:26Brian, I'm sorry to hear that.
22:27Yeah, thanks, Judy.
22:28Look, he'd been crook for a while, so...
22:31Michael, leave the room, please.
22:37Leave the room, please.
22:39What about the business?
22:44Any light at the end of the tunnel?
22:46Oh, look, I can't honestly say.
22:48It all swings on whether we can crack into Asia,
22:51and, well, that's where Fred comes in.
22:57Melissa, leave the room.
23:01I am very sorry.
23:03These children are a lot better behave, usually.
23:05Oh, that's OK.
23:06We know what they're like.
23:08Please, let them watch TV.
23:10Go on, darling.
23:10Yes, all right.
23:11Gregory, Michael, Melissa?
23:13What?
23:15Get out.
23:23Judy?
23:24I'm going.
23:28I am so dreadfully sorry.
23:30Right, everybody out.
23:39Everybody out.
23:46You too.
23:50Matt Shervington, the world's fastest white man.
23:53Can he go on to be the world's fastest black man?
23:55Only time will tell.
23:57Thank you so much.
23:57Well, that brings us to the end of the show,
23:59and, in fact, to the end of the series.
24:01It's been fun.
24:02I hope you've had a laugh along the way.
24:04We've had a great time doing it,
24:05and hopefully we'll see you again next time.
24:07Good night, Australia.
24:08I will come for you at my time.
24:21I will raise you from your sleep.
24:25I will kiss you in four places.
24:30I'll go running along your street.
24:33You will make me laugh and make me cry.
24:42And we will never forget.
24:47Never forget.
24:49You will make me call your name.
24:51And I'll shout it to the blue summer skies.
24:55Oh, thank Christ for that.
25:03Well, that's just about all from the McAuliffe program this week,
25:06and indeed the series.
25:07All that remains are this largely pointless sequence
25:09where I actually waste the time that I'm claiming we're out of,
25:12some closing titles that no-one reads,
25:14and maybe some extra surprise joke at the end.
25:15We sometimes do that.
25:16Kids enjoy that sort of deconstructuralist comedy.
25:19Don't think we got one this week, have we?
25:21No?
25:22Apparently not.
25:23No.
25:24Pity.
25:24They are great fun.
25:29Well, bye, everyone.
25:30See you later.
25:30APPLAUSE
25:31It's Sean, not Shane.
25:51Sean!
25:51Come on, come on, come on, come on.
26:21And just a reminder that we won't be doing any extra joke at the end.